DH is back home after a week. I think the break did us good. Our first night together and he said it was like our honeymoon :oops: I agree.
He got home in time to catch our eggy, or atleast attempt to do so. I was shocked to see that yesterday I got a pos opk but today my temp jumped up! I was thinking that it wouldn't jump till tomorrow. Makes me really happy that he got home on friday.
Things are fine. I have to start being tough with myself and start eating better, making healthier choices. I've gained alot since going on clomid. I'm taking next month off for sure, try to manage my hormones a bit better.
Still no computer. Now i've been spending my time reading which is a nice change!
Over visiting my gf for the weekend. Can't help but remember one of the last times I came over I was about 4dpo and pregnant but didn't know it yet. I went over to see her two weeks later again to give her the news in person. I wish I had the same thing brewing in my body this trip.
My sis sent me some preg tests so I have them ready for when I get home. Last preg I tested at 8 dpo and got a bfn. Didn't bother testing till 12dpo when I got my bfp. Knowing me i'll test mon with fmu which will be 9dpo. If af comes next week then i'll be trying to focus on loosing a few lbs this month. Not avoiding but def not taking clomid. I'll try the vitamins and vitex again. My belly is so full looking and my pants are so tight. I'm thinking of going to the walk in clinic and getting a referral to have an ultrasound done to see if I have huge cysts from the clomid. *(wish it was that and not fat) (looking for excuses)
I've been going thru preg.org withdrawl. Took me long enough to learn this site, hope I adapt to the changes.
I didn't bother testing today. I got so sick last night, like a 4 hour flu of somekind. Anyways I woke up feeling much better but decided to wait to test till tomorrow.
Today I started my "eating healthy kick". Not a diet, but a lifestyle. I say that here to try to talk myself into it lol
DH got a job offer. YES!!!!! Its been a struggle, him not working for almost two months now. Now if I can keep him from going out and "celebrating" by spending.
DH took the job and its confirmed, he starts monday!!! Yippee. A permanent job with benefits and light labour so he wont hurt himself!!!! Thank goodness. Hard to support a family on my retail wage.
I"m not feeling this month. No symptoms at all. On and off cramps. My temps are high but thats probably the clomid. I took a test today, bfn. It is not a sensitive test, the box says "for the day your period is late" so a little bit of me is still hopefull however I know the truth. I'm really getting used to seeing the bfn's now. I remember sitting on the toilet and crying when af would come. Its so sad that so much disapointment has just made me feel whatever i'm feeling now.
I was looking at the sept sprout spaces today, lurking at some old ttc grads and dh caught me. HE got upset and said that he doesnt like to see that, its upsetting.......
ANyways im' still here, not giving up hope. I can't believe that I may be ttc for two years. I can't imagine what its like for women on this site who've been at it for a decade. Big hugs to you....
AF came to visit. I wasn't feeling it last cycle anyways. But I was really upset this time around. Three rounds of clomid back to back, NOTHING to show for it. I'm taking this month off of the meds, but will take vitamins and use the preseed. Sigh.
I had one of my customers come in and ask me how things are going today. She went thru infertility hell, losses and tons of treatments. SHe finally had her baby. I told her about my loss and she said it was a good sign that it happened without meds and that if clomid wasn't cutting it, forget it. I agree. For everyone its different, but i'm not feeling that clomid is my answer. I'm sure i'll try it another one or two cycles but thats probably it. The hard part is, I don't want to do much more in the way of meds as I don't want the risk of multiples. Twins are ok, but thats it. I know what I can handle so i'm not going to try to tempt fate. This makes me scared because if I don't want to do injectibles for example, than my only other option is ivf which is not in the budget. I hate that is from one thing to the other. I"m saying this without much knowledge, just thoughts/worries.
We had the best weather for camping at the lake.. I took DSS and his friend to the waterslides for the day yesterday. GOt home at lunch and went to work by 4. I'm glad we went, it was interesting since dh didn't come due to his new job so I was alone with the boys. DSS is not used to being without daddy and I had to bribe him into going by bringing a friend and then the waterslides.......
I had a rough afternoon, i was reading my journal and got emotional. DH came home earlier than I expected and caught me bawling. I just had a meltdown over our loss and ttc. I feel wierd that sometimes i'm still grieving our loss, I guess i'm worried that people will think i'm crazy for still missing our bean.
I got home from work tonight and dh had bought my fav treat, glazed croissants. I guess he know's im' in need of comfort food.
My body is definately in a funk. I have been feeling depressed, anxious since right before AF came. I'm stressed about work though its getting a bit better I still loose sleep over it and other issues. Yesterday I came home fighting a headache. I lost the battle. It was so bad, 1 am and I had to get dh to get me some advil gel caps. They helped and I was able to sleep a bit later. Today im on call for work, I'm hoping I dont have to go in. I just feel crappy. Stepkids keep getting at each other, I just cant handle anything right now. I wish I could go away to Hawaii or any nice hot beach with cool drinks and oh, weigh 30 lbs less for it too. Dream on D, dream on.
Ok, i'mgoing to try to post something positive with every journal entry. Here goes. I'm happy that my DH has finished his first week back to work in his new job. He seems to like it and its a great schedule for our family. Home by 3 so DSS will love that. (ok one bad thing is he wakes me up just after 5am and its getting me very tired) (i'm allowed a vent in my positive part right ? LOL)
So I had to work the holiday today. Oh well. Better than sitting in the border lineup with my dh and kids. They talked daddy into taking them to WA state to shop for school stuff. They were gone 8 hours. Work was much easier i'm sure. THey are happy with their loot so hopefully they wont' ask for anything for 3 days LOL
I took DH for a long walk down the pier and boardwalk yesterday. I talked a little about me being depressed. Then I asked him"if you had a choice, would you rather adopt or try IVF?" He said IVF which I was guessing/hoping. Then I dropped the bomb about how much it costs to do. He had no idea. He was really shocked but I said it was good for us to talk about even though we are not at that point in the road we should be putting some money away just incase. HE agreed we would have to do that since we have ZERO insurance for infertility and no other savings to use. I was glad that we at least got it in the open to discuss. Thats where we left it. Maybe in a year.
OK, for my positive point of the day : SCHOOL IS BACK TOMORROW!!!! thats good and bad I guess.
I had a surprise visit at work my my District Manager. Thats always fun when its a surprise right???? Wrong. Anyways she's not bad but lately she's been trying to sniff out where we/I go wrong. Always on the lookout for mistakes. Thats not a happy feeling. So I spent almost 5 hours in our storage unit outside the mall in my blouse and skirt slinging boxes and sorting them out because heaven knows, you cant have three boxes of vests all mixed up colorwise. You need to have one box of brown, one of blue and one of green, all labelled NOT ONT THE CARDBOARD BOX, oh no, you need to use a felt pen and make a little sign on a piece of paper and then tape that onto the end of the box. (BTW) these boxes get thrown out later so we dont have to keep them nice looking.
My DH had called me at the store where my assistant told him what was going on and he said oh, so what should I have ready for her when she gets home. Her answer PIZZA LOL. I said thanks and next time tell him alcohol too.
It was an ok day, got a good sweat on at least. Proved a point that we arn't falling apart in our organization (thats what she was looking for i bet).
I'm on cd12, havn't been temping for a few days. But i'll start today using the opks that my friend gave me (thanks Kirsteen!).
DH keeps telling me I need a vacation away by myself. He's open to hawaii or something but that would suck being without him. We are talking about a trip up north to visit my parents and sis and niece. That would be theraputic. Its a small town with one stoplight. Very quiet and peaceful. Might be a good idea.
positive thoughts: hmmmm finally getting enough motivation to wash my hair today, i better run because I have to work. This is a good thing since when i'm depressed, the hair is the first thing to go.
Dh and I had a great fight last night. He has this wonderful way of when he's really mad saying that he's leaving. I have never said this on my journal, never wanting to bring shame on my marriage. I guess i'm the one who's feeling the shame and don't want anyone to agree with me. Anyways yup, he said it again last night. Here I am fighting for him.... I'm just shaking my head. Anyways this was all infront of my dss in the other room too. I hate how he talks like our marriage can be thrown away in the presence of our kids. HATE it. So I confess, i grabbed him by the throat and pushed him to the door of our bedroom. I wish I could have pushed/hit him some more, felt good but he would just hold it against me. He did. Sigh again. I'm def not perfect, I don't claim to be, but this is my journal so its my turn so say i'm hurt and not his right?
So much for the happy bride you see below in my siggy. Is all for a man who has a lovely time returning my feelings.
Interesting how this fight happened at O time yet again. WHy is that? I think I o'd early actually. I took an opk on cd 12 and it was almost pos, but yesterday they were lighter. And my temp went up a little bit yesterday. Crazy.
Positive thoughts? ITs a beautiful day, maybe something good will come from it.