after our fight, my dsd was a bridesmaid on saturday. We went, still mad. I didnt know many there, I wasn't in the mood for mingling either, DH and I were avoiding each other and continued to bicker (at least privately). The wedding was at a beautiful golf course, so I went to the lodge and sat on the couches in the lobby when a beautiful lady came and asked if I was at the wedding and how I knew the bride and groom, and asked me if she could buy me a drink in the bar. Hell yea. So we went and you know those times you meet a stranger and you can talk about private stuff you hide from friends? Well we had a great time talking, I didnt tell her everything but she was older than me and gave me some good advice. TUrns out men are often the same. LOL We ended up sitting at the same dinner table! Our talk broke my tension with dh, and I think she saved my life. Dinner was nice, people at the table were great. I ended up having a clomid migrane and had to sit outside the rest of the evening to get away from the loud music. OH and I ended up getting sick, so it wasn't pleasent, but my dh took care of me and we were able to stop bickering and mend somewhat. Today I spent the morning in bed after being sick all night.
I came online feeling ashamed for how i've been feeling/acting with dh (still mad at him but...) scared to come to preg.org wishing people won't think badly of me and then I saw the post about Sarah loosing Ada. I"m so sad for her. I cannot imagine what she has endured already and now this. I'm glad that everyone has poured out their love to her. She needs all of the support she can get. What a beautiful community we have. I"M so sorry for your loss Sarah and Scott.
Yawn, its 2:15 am and i'm on preg.org LOL this is after surfing pregnant celeb sites etc. I'm a suck. At least i'm not depressed like I was. So one good thing came from our major fighting, it took my mind of being depressed. LOL But i'm still awake and thats not good. I"m off most of the day tomorrow so when that happens I usually stay up but i'm going to pay for it tomorrow.
I had to laugh, the other night (while I was staying up watching late night TLC) I saw the re-run of the Healy family and their twins. I can't believe all of the crazy stuff i've witnessed on preg.org, her being one of them. So last night I got to surfing and searched her story out again. FOund a few more sites where she was banned. I wanted to see if she in fact had another baby after the preemie twins that were on the tv show because she told everyone she was pregnant again before they even came home from the hospital. I was just curious.
Could we all just have one?? I Don't need/want tons, just one baby please.
Positive thoughts "dh and I Have mended alot, its beautiful weather this week and im not near as depressed as I was the past two weeks"
Last night my staff were invited to a local restaurant on the ocean for a "thank you customers" party. Really it was a free happy hour to entice everyone in booking dinner parties but who cares, treats for us!
We all got three (small) drinks and then appys for free. I had pieces of raw ahi tuna, maple glazed salmon, prawns, calamari, wings and french toast from the brunch station. All of the no-no's for pregnant women, AND I LOVED IT LOL
I found the fertility package the RE gave us the first visit. It has outlines for most treatments and a fee guide so I thought i'd read it with dh last night. He was falling asleep so I made him read it to me LOL. Can you believe that only a week ago we were having a huge fight, and now i'm talking about fertility options with him? This is nuts. So I told him how much IVF costs, without drugs the fee is $5050. I said so what do you think, or are you moving out on me. He said with a smile only if I tell him to move out. we are crazy.
Oh, and I asked him about doing another IUI and when , next month? He said maybe we could skip next month because then "we could have a really good anniversary" meaning we can drink lol
I agree. Of course that makes me due in august and I can only imagine the swelling of being pregnant in the heat of august.
I'm still having trouble sleeping. It doesn't help that I like to watch tv at night to put me to sleep and two nights ago while flipping the channels I found legends of the fall. I can watch that movie over and over. So... I watched the entire movie, I swear I never sleep till at least 1am but lately i've had later nights. Then DH wakes up at 5am. I wish I could sleep in..... So not a morning person. I better get used to less sleep if I ever get pregnant again.
Yea its friday!!! My gf is coming to visit me. I'm hoping she brings me bfp vibes as she has before. We are looking forward to a nice weekend of food and relaxation. GIRL TIME! Probably stick to facebook and giggle about highschool days.
Got to go to work :( but i'm off sat so that is nice.
Oh, yesterday at work, a lady came in that i've talked to/served many times over the past 5 years and she had a big belly. I had to ask her..... yup she's due in december. That was supposed to be my belly. My sprout. This is going to be hell the next several months. I knew this was coming. How can I possibly go to work every day and know i'm going to be faced with seeing pregnant women, oh baby is this, baby is that, oh dh is so excited, oh labor is starting, oh meet my baby born on sprouts edd.... and I HAVE TO SMILE AND BE HAPPY CAUSE ITS MY JOB. I just wanted to at least be pregnant before this all started.
I find myself already planning that if I have another loss, i'm going to take a leave of absence, sick leave. I havn't found anyone on this site who does the same work as me but i'm sure some have tough situations too like nurses in maternity or something. That would really be hell. I just wish there was a solution.
oh positive...hmmm my gf is coming over for a playdate!
why is it that seeing my ticker at 13dpo makes me feel hopeful? I'm not feeling pg at all, took a test at 11dpo and got a snow white bfn. I guess its good to have hope. I"d rather have that than give up which I sometimes wonder at what point will I have to accept defeat. Not yet.
My gf and I spent the entire weekend just visiting at home. We were too old to go out and "party". We laughed at ourselves that we are getting old and enjoy quiet time too much. Sigh. It was a nice visit.
Still having trouble at night sleeping on and off. Yesterday I was in my bed watching tv at 5pm, by 6 I was falling asleep. SO I tried to sleep but it lasted maybe 30 min. SO I got up at 7, didnt do much. But ended up awake till 2 am with bad gut pains. My body is a mess. I think its telling me I need to relax, maybe deal with some issues? Oh well, off to work now.
Oh, last shift I was leaning against my register counter with my belly sticking out and a lady looked at me and asked if I was expecting. NOpe. JUst fat.......
This is funny. To test or not to test... So this morning I get up to pee, test in hand. Hmmm should I WASTE another test? I"ve only tested once this cycle and i'm not sure of the sensitivity of these tests as they are not listed on poas.com. So I think FORGET IT, not going to bother. I start peeing and change my mind. I know I don't have enough pee to go 10 sec on the stick as the directions call for so I stop peeing, look around and find the cap to my face cream. Dropped it into the toilet, fished it out and then proceeded to fill it. I still had my doubts, so I drove my DSD to school and took the test when I got back. SNOW WHITE BFN.
Just as well. I havn't been taking any vitamins this month, and not that well the month before either. I have to start taking better care of myself. I'm thinking of going back on the vitex and everything else that got me my first bfp. WHy is it so hard to stick with it? I did so good that month, faithfully three times a day taking the pills. I felt so good too after only a week. MAybe I need to focus on that, it would be nice to feel good again. I think its in the back of my mind that "its not going to work anyways so why bother". I wonder if i'm the only one who thinks that.
I served a customer yesterday (who I Had helped several months before but I didnt remember until after). SHe was shopping for grandkids. Two girls 24m 20 m and 6 y. I asked if the boy and baby were brother sister and she said the girls are sisters too. I looked at her like i was stupid and said, ok help me. SHe said that her parents tried for years to get pregnant, adopted the older girl and guess what. She got pregnant. They didnt think she would carry to term so they didnt cancel the adoption (thats the grandma's story, i bet they were already in love with both girls). So their girls are 4 months apart! I can't remember if the same family has the boy but they might have adopted him too.
Then two young women came in with HUGE bellies and each had two kids under 4. I said to my co-workers that I Should be drinking from the same tap. I Can't help but get angry/jealous sometimes. (not raging angry)
Well, af came with a vengance this weekend. Oh well, I knew she would. I started to take my vitamins and supplements yesterday. Hope something helps this cycle. I left a message at my RE office to book an appointment. I just want to see what the next step is I guess. Set some goals etc.
I have to work for two hours tonight. THAT SUCKS. I just want a day off. Sigh. Oh well, sucks to be me.
OH wait, there is something else to tell you all. I went to the walk in clinic Sat morning because my cramps were so bad and I"ve run out of prescription strength aleve. He asked me if i've talked about going on BC. I said no because we are trying to have a baby. He asked how long and was shocked, made sure we've been tested. THen he says, (in the sweetest voice possible) "You need to think about watching your weight a little bit". I blamed it on taking clomid LOL
Then I told him about our loss and he said "I truly believe that many women miscarry because they are doing too much. I know people always say what about women in Africa who carry 100lbs on their head and have healthy babies. But their miscarriage rate is 10 times ours too. The next time you get pregnant, DO NOTHING, LAZE AROUND and put your feet up, no standing too long..... "
I said, i'm in retail, I stand for a living. HE said "BUY A STOOL AND SIT DOWN" I like that advice :)
Had a very busy week at work. So tired. I made a run for the border yesterday. I drove 30 min south and got to the closest $tree. Only got 10 hpt tests. LOL ONLY LOL
Got my nails done while I was there, a few other treats and then thru the border. I hand my passport over along with my receipts and the hot young guard notices the preg tests. He says are you serious??? are these really $1 each? YUP (all proud) he says LET ME GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE, pay a little more and get good ones. LOLOLOLOL
I said actually for people going thru infertility they work great, not that i'd buy condoms from a dollar store but these are good. He said YOU MEAN THEY REALLY WORK??? YUP............................................... .................................................. .................................................. .Have a nice day...
Off I went.
coming up to O time AGAIN and with it comes hope. I've surprised myself in that i've been faithfully taking my vitamins and supplements every day this cycle. For the past few months I didnt have the motivation to even take a prenatal vitamin daily. I've been taking vitex, prenats, vit E and red clover. The month I got my bfp was when I did the same. I'm not 'expecting' the same from this month, but hopeful that if I keep up the regimine i'll get a bfp in the next few months.
I thought the same thing when we began ttc. (that it would take up to three months)
I went under my bed and got all of my preg books and mags, thyme maternity gift bag with samples and newborn diaper; put them in a bag and tucked it into my closet. Then I dug out my Conceive magazine my sis gave me last year and started to read it again. Funny how after all this time i'm learning new things about ttc that I hadn't read/noticed before. Like I read about a "mini-IVF" somewhere online. Now i'm re-reading this mag from last year and it talked briefly about the same thing! It says that some women who O naturally might be able to just use clomid and not take the injections normally used with IVF and save lots of money. Ill def ask my RE about that next visit.
Today I also pulled out the music box my GF gave me awhile ago and put my opk and hpts from our bfp cycle into it. I wanted to put the little "blue" from blues clues my sis and niece gave me while they were visiting me and knew I was pregnant but it won't fit into the memory box. I kept my hospital wristband from my miscarriage and was going to add that with it but now i'm not sure where I put it. I wonder if people would think i'm wierd doing this, but today was a little bit of closure finally "putting to rest" my test sticks etc. Its been 5 months since loosing sprout.
My gf did the "run for the cure" today with her kids. (breast cancer fundraiser run) She dedicated it to my stepkids mom who died from breast cancer. It meant so much to our whole family. Thanks Laura!!!!
Work is hectic. I wish we were well off enough or no bills so that I didnt have to work more than one day a week. That is our goal. I think that work is preventing me from conceiving. Too much stress. Retail is stressful enough, and being that i'm in an atmosphere where I have to deal with pregnancy and babies hourly with a smiling face makes it worse in my position. I hope I can be smarter with money and credit so that I can leave my position in a year..... thats gonna take alot of work.
WOW, cd13. countdown to O. I wonder when that will be. I havn't been temping this month. Everyone in my fam is very sick. DSD has strep throat, and I've got a bad cold. I have been avoiding taking any decongestant as I don't want "everything" to dry up so its been a crappy cold. Two nights ago when it was so bad I couldnt breathe, DH told me to take an advil cold and sinus. I caved. At least it was a few days before O time. Of course I havn't noticed ANY ewcm as usual. I was hoping that I would have some after taking my supplements all month.
Last month I o'd early, after 3 clomid cycles it was my first off. Now who knows what my body will do. I've been getting neg opks the past few days. I"m taking a stick to work to pee on in the mall bathroom. HAHAHA, I wonder if anyone else has poas in my mall.
I've been on the June birth board and it seems EVERYONE is getting a bfp..... when will it be my turn again?