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Thread: room for more love (ttc after vr and loss)

  1. #211
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
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    Default My DAY

    Well lets start with yesterday. DH slept in so I got up to help him get ready for work quickly around 6am. I didnt go back to sleep, just laid in bed and watched a baby story. Great way to start the day
    Work was ok but I was feeling down. Got over it and then finally dealt with my assistant manager, you might remember me talking about a stressful time at work the past month. Well i had the difficult conversation with her and it went very well. I was very proud of myself.
    I got off work early and went home to make dinner for the family and my parents who are visiting from up north. The whole day I was excited though since I had secretly planned on going for my beta the next morning. I had the surprise for my bff planned, wasn't sure how i'd tell dh and thought i'd be too excited and just take him for a walk and tell him. For my bff I planned on making a big banner... she is walking with her daughter this sunday in a 5K breast cancer walk. I planned being at the finish line with a sign "yea Kellee, Yea mummy" then after they see it and are all excited i'd flip it over and say "i mean AUNTIE". (I think its a good idea )
    So last night I couldn't fall asleep. All I could think about was the blood test. Then I got frusterated and woke dh up getting upset about our meds bill and how insurance screwed us out of $2400 (we paid $3100). He got upset too. Of course 10 min later he's asleep while i'm there .....

    Finally its morning. So excited. Todays plan was to take my parents across the boarder for some shopping. We were leaving right after dropping dsd at school so I said I had to stop by work and went to have my blood test at 7:30. Got home right in time to leave, didn't have a coffee or food got a headache quickly and didnt feel good. We did some shopping and I just felt 'quiet'. We drove further and I was thirsty so I stopped at mcd's for a cold drink and pee break before the next shopping marathon. There I was greeted with spot. I had mild cramps too, they felt different though than af so of course i'm feeling down but still hoping.... well I was thinking that it didnt work. I was upset but didnt tell mum or dad, I tried to hold it in. All I could think of was that the RE's office was going to call and leave the message on my machine and my dss who's 12 will get the message. So I stressed out all afternoon about that. (I should have called them)
    We had some lunch and before the meal came a family sat beside us with a cute baby girl. My mom and dad were smiling and cooing at her... I just hid in the corner of the booth. I decided that my cramps were bad enough I should take some pain meds and I did.
    As soon as we got home I ran to the phone, there was a message from the nurse.
    Negative.

    I had to continue to hold it in, DH came home and I told him I wanted to go for a walk. On the way there he's saying Whats up? NEWS? I couldn't tell him. We just walked and talked about his work. Then he said all of the guys at work were saying good luck for tomorrow and he's so excited about finding out tomorrow. I said well you don't have to wait till tomorrow. He looked all excited and I showed him the bruise on my arm. He asked if we were pregnant.... I saw his eyes change when he looked into mine. I instantly teared up. Of course one min later we ran into a mum in our congregation with her two little ones in tow 'oh hi how are u", just great.

    We stopped for a pint at the pub before going home. I cried most of the time. the waitress kept circling by seeing my tears. We came home and DH said I had to tell my parents. I couldn't do it. Its almost like telling them I had a miscarriage. I havn't told them yet. They went out for an hour to do paperwork on a car they bought. I might have dh tell them. Its hard to start that conversation with my stepkids around. I will probably go to their room at bedtime and talk. I have a hard time talking about things with them, our family loves each other deeply, will do anything for each other... but we lack in communication.

    I think they already know, my face can't hide the pain my heart is in. I'm heartbroken. Under that pain is anger but the pain is so strong I have no energy left for another emotion. In a day or two the anger will come out. I'm angry at my RE for not getting me pregnant. I'm angry at my uterus for not carrying a baby. I"m angry at my eggs, if its their fault. I'm angry at how other women are getting pregnant by just making love to their husbands.... and im' angry that i'm doing so many other non-natural things and i'm not. i'm angry at women having random sex and getting pregnant. I'm angry at how some will judge me for what I just said. And I can't believe that i'm admitting it but i'm just so DONE.

    All day i'm thinking that I should take a break from this site, yet there is no way that I can. I don't feel like its an 'obsession' but i have a stong attachment to so many women on this site, and have gained so much support... I can't go on without the support and knowledge i've gained from being here.

    DH asked me what the next step is. I don't know. I don't see how anything else can get us pregnant. It doesn't make sense.

    I don't know what to do. Is there anything else I can do?
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  2. #212
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
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    Thanks ladies. I've read and re-read your posts and its been very comforting to have your sympathy, support, understanding. That is lacking in daily life for me in the real world since infertility is a quiet disease. That and I manage a clothing store for children and babies so i'm confronted with big bellies full of life and new babies on an hourly basis every day.


    Yesterday I hid in my room after our walk. DH brought me up dinner. Dh told them our news for me. I couldn't do it. This morning mum asked me how I was and I just lost it. She said she wished she had all the money in the world to fix it.

    I went to work, lasted an hour and had to come home. I went to the back of the store to help someone and thats the baby section. I saw the outfit that I put on hold for when I got my bfp. What am I supposed to do with that now. What am I supposed to with the two huge bins of baby clothes I have under my bed. What do I do with the baby blankets that are filling my cedar chest.

    I lost it over and over. Then 20 min after the last bathroom break I felt like I was bleeding thru so I went back and had to change my tampon again, and there were three huge clots. It feels like a miscarriage but its probably not, just a symptom of the injections.

    I came home and my parents are still here but going out in a bit so i'll just lay on the couch and wait for the nurse to call me back. I'll make an appointment to see the RE when she calls.
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  3. #213
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
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    Default

    DH, DSS and I took the ferry to my bff's. The home she is renting has been sold and so we went house hunting with her up island. Today bff, her daughter, DSS and myself did the Run for the Cure, a 5k breast cancer fundraiser. It was very moving.

    Last night bff and I went to a house party. Her friend just moved and so a bunch of us girls got together for drinks and appy's. We were ready to come home a few hours later and when I called to be picked up I found out that DSS and DH had been wrestling.... I guess a knee got dh in the face and he was bleeding. We went to emergency and yup, its broken. Its a little crooked but there is nothing they can do apparently. Oh well. He is a little sore but ok.

    Bff needed a few things from the pharmacy, I was wondering around and in the back I found a clearance section.... ovulation kits were on for $5.00 and also they had ovulation microscope kits for $5.00 I was sad, but I got them. Sad, feeling like there is no point.... but I can't give up.

    Still hoping for a miracle to surprise me.
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  4. #214
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
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    I had my first one on one meeting with my new district manager yesterday. I was in ok spirits, but so tired by the end of the day. I spent the night with my parents, it was their last night visiting us and left today to start heading home. They surprised me and DH with new washer/dryer. the last ones took up to two hours to dry one load. This was a nice present, one that we will use ALOT. When they were showing me I saw on the dial a little piece of tape, as though some of the packaging was still on and i lifted it up..... it was the selection named "baby items". DH thought it would be good to cover it up of course curious me found it. Its sweet he thought of that though.

    Today i'm off and i feel hung over though I havn't had a drink in days. Had a cry this morning when my parents left. I feel depressed. I"ve been sad, but this is just too much. I find my job ok, but it sucks going. I"m too tired, no energy. I guess its good that i work so i'm not sitting around the house all day.

    I played with my new saliva scope last night. I couldn't sleep, up till almost 2. Then DSS was sick this morning asking if he should stay home with a cold. NO. Mummy needs a day alone so he better be puking

    I wonder what I should ask my RE on friday. I think i'll ask for a dr's note to be excused from work several hours a week to help get some rest.
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  5. #215
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
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    Started 'the talk' with dh last night. I told him we need to talk about treatments before I go to the RE tomorrow. Also I told him i'm NOT ready for this talk but at some point we need to talk about how far we are willing to go. That seems so final. I'm not there yet. He freaked out when I mentioned IVF. He thinks thats what causes sextuplets. He doesn't understand that its impossible with that, but rather what we have been doing with the superovulation has that risk. Not for us obviously.
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  6. #216
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
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    Default RE visit

    I spent half an hour going over the million why's today with him. There is no answer. I knew that. Sigh. I asked about testing and basically we've had almost every test possible. You can't test your eggs without retreiving them and thats not covered thru medical and would be the same cost as IVF so why bother not just doing IVF. The only test we havn't had is chromosomal testing but theres nothing that can be done anyways besides donor and we won't do that. He also said who knows whats happening inside me, we know I had probably two good eggs last month, dh's sperm was good, but who knows what's happening when they meet.
    Basically it comes down to money. He said his personal advice is to try clomid + IUI three times. If still no baby then save for IVF with ICSI. I feel good about trying the Clomid again. Its 'cheap' and our IUI's won't be monitored so we will only pay about $360 for the whole cycle. Its way more stressful not having the ultrasounds and relying on peeing on a stick and making that decision myself on when the big day will be. But we can manage it.

    I feel good that there are still some things we can try right away. (clomid) I just went to a tcm acupunturist and made an appointment. I told her its my first time and I don't think I want to take the herbs.. she said thats fine. She will spend an hour with me and its only $45 I might make an appointment for dh too. Since we are taking this month 'off' it will give the acupuncture treatments and vitamins time to work and hopefully do the trick. Its amazing how i'm feeling hopeful about this.

    I guess I should think about loosing some weight too. I"m just too sad right now to try that. How come its hard to diet???? Easier to get a needle every day. Maybe if I loose 10 lbs it will do the trick. Nah, I did that before and it didnt work, so pass the cheesecake

    I feel very emotional still, and loving the day off work so much that I don't know how I can carry on working so much. Maybe if I tell myself every hour worked is that much more $$$ towards IVF. (which is only 50-60% chance for us to be pregnant)
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  7. #217
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
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    Default Happy Anniversary

    To me 3 years today. Dh couldn't wait to give me my gifts so we exchanged on Sunday. I have to say he was much more generous than I was.

    I'm on cd 15... last night I was feeling crappy and had those pesky leg cramps in bed and dh said... maybe your ovulating I said maybe. He asked If I tested and I said no, gonna try to forget it this month. He said so maybe tomorrow you ovulate? I said yes. Wow he says that would be nice to get pregnant on our anniversary.

    Yes it would.
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  8. #218
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
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    Yesterday I talked to one of my customers about tcm. She told me about the dr i'm going too next week. I think she told me she ttc for almost 5 years, went to this dr and has her daughter. Has had 6 miscarriages, most since. The multiple loss clinic told her there are studies proving tcm works...

    I have also heard scary stuff about taking the herbs so I didn't plan on taking them. Now i'm thinking I might. I called someone who knows of one bad situation but she said this lady's tcm dr gave her 100 days of some herb when he should have had her take it for 10 days. She is very ill now and probably infertile permanantly.

    As i'm typing this, maybe its worth the small risk, nothing else is working anyways right?
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  9. #219
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
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    This is a post from someone on another site I belong too......

    Just wanted to post a song that has sometimes made me feel better about this madness that is infertility. It's a great reminder that we're not alone in this...

    It's called "So Hard". You can listen on YouTube here:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0bvD...eature=related


    Here are the lyrics:

    Back when we started
    We didn't know how hard it was
    Living on nothing
    But what the wind would bring to us
    Now we've got something
    I can imagine fighting for
    So why is fighting all that we're good at anymore

    And sometimes I don't have the energy
    To prove everybody wrong
    And I try my best to be strong
    But you know it's so hard
    It's so hard

    It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
    It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
    It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
    It's so hard

    It felt like a given
    Something a woman's born to do
    A natural ambition
    To see a reflection of me and you

    And I'd feel so guilty
    If that was a gift I couldn't give
    And could you be happy
    If life wasn't how we pictured it

    And sometimes I just want to wait it out
    To prove everybody wrong
    And I need your help to move on
    Cause you know it's so hard
    It's so hard

    It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
    It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
    It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
    So hard

    I can live for the moment
    When all these clouds open up for me to see
    And show me a vision
    Of you and me swimming peacefully

    Last night you told me
    That you can't remember
    How to feel free

    It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
    It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
    It's so hard when it doesn't come easy, easy

    It's so hard
    Last edited by deborah74; 10-22-2008 at 11:52 PM.
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  10. #220
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
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    Getting ready to drive north tomorrow. My big sis is having an unwanted but necessary hysterectomy.

    She is very upset over it all. I can't do much but be there .... and cook meals for the next few weeks to fill her freezer.

    So not fair. My family sure has not been fortunate in the fertility department. She has wanted a second child ... well along time. Now those hopes are being cut out Monday.

    You'll survive sis. As someone told me... 'it will soon grow back'. Before that happens, there's chocolate and baileys.
    See you tomorrow.
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

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