room for more love (ttc after vr and loss) - Page 27
+ Reply to Thread
Page 27 of 46 FirstFirst ... 1723242526272829303137 ... LastLast
Results 261 to 270 of 454

Thread: room for more love (ttc after vr and loss)

  1. #261
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Posts
    6,120

    Default

    what is a mental breakdown like?
    I think i'm close to it. Or at least a meltdown.
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  2. #262
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Posts
    6,120

    Default

    I'm ok. Staying at my parents for awhile. I talked to dh alot yesterday, we were able to get some things out on both sides. He's not the main issue, i'm just gointhru a hard time with life.
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  3. #263
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Posts
    6,120

    Default

    DH is driving north to see me today and bring me clothes since I literally 'took off' and didnt' take anything but the clothes on my back.

    I'm looking forward to seeing him but also scared at the reality it will put in my face.

    Mom took me shopping today to a few little stores, we saw cute shoes on sale and she got me a pair. Later I went out with my dad for half an hour, came back and my pup had chewed one shoe, completely ruining it. I never wore them once. I didnt know how to react. Of course I was upset and dad quickly looked at the price tag and gave me $20 is there any more he asked? There was one more pair in my size and I went to the store and got it. I couldn't hold it in, i was crying at the till. I showed them the shoe he chewed thinking maybe they'd give me an even lower price on them, nope. I just said 'sorry i'm having a bad day' I was upset for my mom, she tries to buy me a present and its ruined within an hour.

    I called dh to see how far away he was, and he asked whats wrong. I'm having a bad day... to which he says I think you need to see someone about this. It made me feel like he's blaming me for my 'condition'. I said you dont have to tell me in an angry way. He said he wasnt angry.

    I know i need to talk to someone and I will when I get back home.

    Last night my face was all 'bumpy' on one side, like an allergic reaction to something. This morning my entire face is covered with sore bumps. I had a little mark on my tummy too. About 10 years ago I got surprising news at work that I wasn't getting the promotion to Manager that I thought... I was devistated and got 'mega' hives over my entire trunk. Some welts were the size of two hands put together. It went away in a few days. I'm sure my body is showing me how upset it is right now.


    Dh just called, he's an hour away. I better jump in the shower and try to make myself look a bit more presentable.
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  4. #264
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Posts
    6,120

    Default

    I had a nice visit with DH. It helped to see him. But i'm not ready to go home yet. I'm nervous about having to start taking care of things again, like banking, cooking, housekeeping and lawyer stuff. Tuesday I have a phone meeting with my lawyer. I guess we will decide how much of a 'settlement' we are going to ask for and what we will accept. I hope it gets done quickly and that I get something out of it. It would be nice to get a year's wages and take care of some bills, but really I then have to find a new crap job and i'm stuck with nothing familiar. I know that I won't get that much. I get the crap end for no reason. Not fair.
    "who said life is fair princess?" princess bride

    My face is a mess, sore, red and bumpy all over it, down my chin too. I just called the ER here but the hospital is so small they don't have a dermatologist. I guess if it gets works of I can't handle it anymore i'll go in and see the doc on call.
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  5. #265
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Posts
    6,120

    Default

    Just got off the phone with my lawyer about my wrongful dismissal. She is very sweet. She will be starting 'negotiations' with my old company for severance. I'm glad that phonecall is over. On to healing soon.

    I'm thinking of going home thursday or friday. Thats coming up soon though. Wish I could spend the first severance money on driving to california with dh and dss for spring break next week.
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  6. #266
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Posts
    6,120

    Default

    i'm starting to want my own bed, just a little. Don't want to get back into reality just yet though.

    DH and DSS are planning on coming up here for spring break. That will be nice, at least dss gets a mini vacation and it won't cost usmuch.
    Good friends of mine just lost their elderly mom this morning. The memorial service will be up north and in 10 days so I'm planning on staying north for that. Then I guess it will be time for me to drive home.

    Yesterday I went to the ER (they don't have a clinic here so thats the only option). My face is worse and no signs of clearing up. They were so sweet, got me in right away. Long story short, after some blood work the dr said 'we need to treat the underlying condition, your anxiety and stress level is way too high'

    He gave me two meds, one for night and it happens to be in the anihistamine family but a side effect is that it calms nerves. Can I please get a jumbo bottle of this

    It helped me rest last night, didnt want to get out of bed, but i'm not groggy. Took pup for a nice long walk in the snow, now i'm going for a drive into the country.

    Its so quiet here, so peaceful. And the sun is out. Very healing.
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  7. #267
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Posts
    6,120

    Default

    I think the pills are helping. My face hasn't cleared up but its not as red and not as itchy/painful. The pills have definately been a calming influence on me.

    I have a bit more energy, I made the family dinner tonight and even made a cake with 7 minute frosting. Yum. I ate too much lol.

    Gonna go watch nature shows with mom and dad now, cup of tea sounds perfect.
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  8. #268
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Posts
    6,120

    Default

    Had a LONG talk with DH today.

    LONGER story short, he says he understands where i'm coming from and that I need to be shown respect from him and then from the kids. I need his loyalty and thats been put into question in the past. I thought I was going home in a few days but now i'm not so sure.
    My face is a tiny bit better today. I was able to put some plain cream on it. Can't wait for it to be better. Can't wait to actually have a 'normal life'

    I'm sick of waiting. I'm sad that I never got the 'honeymoon' year all married people are supposed to get. I got a week, then I had to be an instant stepmom cooking two meals because oh no, not everyone will eat the same thing. Sometimes they refused even that and still do "take me to a drive thru dad so I can get some real food" (that was two weeks ago and oh, DH's reaction? silence) I had to put up with major trust issues with DH within 6 weeks of our marriage. I had to work full time right up till recently. I dont' get to go on tropical trips like other married couples do. I work hard, why don't I have money to spend on myself? I have to constantly be in someone elses shadow. I'm always going to be the 'replacement' wife. His late wife got to have the honeymoon year, the three beautiful children, ya ok she died so thats not good. What do I get? I get to put up with sh$t from the kids and DH. I get to transfer his bills onto my credit cards.... hmmm they havn't been paid for awhile.

    I'm so sick of it. Why can't I be someones wife. Why can't I be the first choice for something. I"m always second. I'm the add on to the family. Its them, and me. I'll be honest, part of me wants a baby so bad because it could bring us into the 'we' family rather than me and you.

    I'm so angry. Everyone in this world seems to have control over my life. Work can fire me for no reason, I go thru fertility treatments and they fail, DH, well read above, i'm not safe anywhere. Anyone can hurt me. I'm so vulnerable.

    I'm so angry to see every gd commercial with glamorous baby bellies, 'mom's know. So what, i'm not a 'mom' so I must be stupid and I can't 'know' things. I hate seeing everyone breeding around me and then *****ing about it.

    I'm so angry that I'm still holding back some anger, and yet after venting like this everyone reading my journal will think "what the he ll are you doing married to him?"
    I love him. I want him to be better. I want our family to be better. to be a "FAMILY"

    Sorry.
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  9. #269
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Posts
    6,120

    Default

    Sorry again.

    I've calmed down alot. I'm still hurt and very frusterated but starting to see the clouds part.
    I'm ready to try and be happy again. I'm ready to try to do a few chores now. "FEW"

    Deep breath

    I still want a birthchild badly, but not really wanting to ttc this second. I'm feeling like i'll need to 'choose' to be happy and make some good out of some pretty bad things. Sounds like an Oprah speech

    glad to be using again. Feels good. I'm not cheery and chipper, but starting to feel like I might be able to control some things in my life if I try. Wish I could control lots of things.

    Sigh
    Last edited by deborah74; 03-21-2009 at 12:50 AM.
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  10. #270
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Posts
    6,120

    Default

    Feeling better again.
    Today I spent most of the day in the kitchen, making lunch for family, dinner, rum cake and cookies for a funeral tea that i'm going to tomorrow.

    A lady where I grew up and is a long time family friend passed. She was elderly and sickly so its a blessing. I will be seeing people tomorrow I havn't seen in YEARS so that will be nice.

    I'm still at mom and dad's house but DH and DSS came up for the second half of his spring break. We are all going to the funeral tomorrow which is in a town just over an hour away. My dad will be delivering the talk.

    I'm planning on going home on Saturday. Its been hmm, three weeks since I ran away. Flew by fast. Im ready to go home now and try to move forward.

    Oh and my sister and niece are coming to visit in a few days too, so it will be nice to show them around the big town.
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

+ Reply to Thread

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
v -->

About Us | Contact Us | Privacy Policy | Sitemap | Terms & Conditions