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Thread: room for more love (ttc after vr and loss)

  1. #331
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
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    Today I went to my gyno for a consult. Long story short she scheduled another lap for may and referred me to a well known RE in Vancouver at the University. She was very sweet, and mainly is doing this to help me come to terms with whatever happens in the future... I said it would be good for me to have a 2nd RE opinion just in case so I will always know I TRIED EVERYTHING.

    I hope I don't have to wait too long but really there is no rush now. She said i'm still young... hope my eggs feel the same way.

    I don't have a newfound sense of hope, but i'm looking forward to having a more rounded out knowledge of what my body is doing and not doing
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  2. #332
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
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    I went to a naturpathic therapist on Friday. She is a LOVELY woman. So sweet. My testing told her that my body is healing since she saw me in April. It did show some possible issues with my tubes and she prescribed something to help that. I also have yet another strict diet plan. This time i'm going to do it best I can. Its not as bad as the one I did two years ago and it will be easier since i'm not working. Oh I am working! DH and I decided to continue doing the construction cleaning. I will only work two or three days a week. Its low stress work which is awesome for both of us and we actually enjoy working together. Some of the sites are quite a drive though and I hate that. At least dh will drive and I can relax.

    We prevented ttc this month and i'm probably going to do the same next month. Its weird to do this but I don't want to damage any babies with the strong meds i'm currently on, I also need to take vitamins again and eat better. Hope I finally get a reward after all of this effort....
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  3. #333
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
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    I've not been in the mood to post anything. Don't know why just in that 'mood'. Maybe because there is nothing special to write about.

    Ok well i've been feeling alot better emotionally. I also have been feeling alot stronger physically... my back is way better than it has been in two years. It doesn't hurt to put on shoes anymore
    Underwear, well not too much pain

    Still working. Enjoyed the stat day off today. Got some yard work done Miracle

    Hmmm, I think I hear smarties or drumstick icecream calling my name
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  4. #334
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
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    Yesterday I had one of the scariest moments in my life.

    I was at work less than an hour when an accident could have severely disfigured my face.


    I was cleaning a bathroom and you know how new toilets/sinks have manufacture stickers on them. I have to remove them but of course there is that sticky residue left behind. To remove that I use a rag and a little bit of lacquer thinner. I did that and stood up, went to put the bottle onto the sink ledge but the bottom of the bottle hit the side of the sink and flicked towards me. Out sprayed a large amount of the chemical ONTO MY FACE AND IN MY LEFT EYE. I also got a patch on my right forearm. Immediately the fire set in. I screamed my DH's name twice and shoved my face under the sink tap. My face was on fire, I was so scared that i'd be blinded in my eye and that the skin/eye were going to melt off my face. The pain was immense. DH and the other worker were looking all over the house to find me knowing something awful must have happened. DH saw me for about 30 seconds, saw my foot stomping in pain and me saying "it burns it burns' and then ran to the emergency air horn and did the three blasts for medical emergency. The site supervisor came in and was on the walkie talkie directing the first aid officer to where we were (she was on the other side of the site and she ran but it took her 10 min). After about 5 minutes the pain went down to an 8/10 and I was able to put my arm under the water to cool its burn every minute for a few seconds. After 10 minutes I knew the pain was being relieved some more but I still hadn't looked or felt my eye. The first aid attendant directed me to open my eye to flush it better and this whole time I had the water on full force cold and I needed that much water to cool it. The big boss was on the walkie talkie with her and he was saying 'don't mess around with an eye, send her in'. They called poison control to find out if I needed any other immediate help. I kept my eye under running water for a whole 20 minutes. Then I looked up and in the mirror my whole eye and a few inches around the eye and cheek were swollen and pink. I then got nervous. The First Aid lady saw it and said 'ok we are going to the office, getting your accident reported and you are going to emergency.' She patched my eye and took me to the office where I had my vitals taken, then Dh drove me to the hospital where I waited an hour to be seen. (a girl had just been hit by a car while on her bike, she was priority). The pain was down to slight burning and my face felt warm. I had a wet towel on my arm where it was burnt. In that hour the swelling had gone down some and the dr examined my eye. Her words "you are VERY LUCKY and you did everything right". The chemical was not corrosive. If it had been, well I cannot imagine what my face would be looking like right now. I"m also fortunate that the building I was working in had running water. Some of the jobs i've been on had no water, i'd have had to run around the site screaming for water and I would have had damage done. The dr said to expect some swelling over night but just use damp cloths to soothe the area and i'll be fine. I went home and laid down, falling asleep for a few hours. Dh brought me dinner in bed and I stayed there until 10 this morning. Today my eye is almost NORMAL! It feels a bit 'tired' and sensitive. I know that I walked away from such a horrible accident. I'm SO fortunate. I took today off work and i'll be good as new on Monday.

    To top it all off last night a friend called to tell me about a great job opportunity. It requires driving 40 min to work but its only three days a week as a receptionist in an office. My cousin happens to work in the same office! I"m scared to do it though. I love this job because I can say 'no i'm not available to work tomorrow' and its fine. I can have all the work I want or say no. Sigh. Don't know what to do. I'm just going to call the lady who is looking for someone to job share and get more info.

    Hope I have no more stories like the first one to share EVER again.
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  5. #335
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
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    My eye is doing great. No problems. Still a bit tired/sensitive but barely.
    Yesterday I was taking my dog and my DSD's dog to the park. I was putting mine into the car when the other took off running down the street to the main road. I screamed for her to stop but she bolted. She ran straight out and I prayed no cars were coming but they did. She was hit by a car. It wasn't head on and she didn't tumble but she ran straight back to me and her paw was hurt. Well her leg was hurt, there was blood and it looked like a claw had been pushed back. I got her inside the house and then walked back to the street and shouted to the poor woman who stopped her car and was outside looking for her obviously upset, I shouted that she was ok and i'm sorry. I got DSS to get some ice and the phone. I called the vet and they said they'd take her right away. We took her and the vet said she looks ok but they wanted to observe her for a few hours to make sure she didn't have any internal injuries. She wasn't in shock which was good and she was calm. I had to call DSD and tell her at work. That was hard. She had us pick her up and bring her home until we were supposed to come and check on the dog. Fortunately there were no signs of further injury and it doesn't look like her leg was broken but one of the cuts went down to the bone
    Guess I won't be asked to doggy sit anymore
    Dh hurt his knee yesterday at work but I told him I don't want to hear about it I can't handle any more stuff
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  6. #336
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
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    having a nervous breakdown.
    had a few fights with my dh
    overcome with financial stresses, anxiety keeps bring my thoughts up over and over about problems so much I can't take it anymore.
    I've come to my parents to rest and get some time out
    I've been to the dr several times and i'm on a few different anxiety/stress drugs
    i've been to a psychiatrist.

    i'm not crazy but i'm SO overwhelmed with not getting help around the house from the kids, teenage troubles, loosing my job, ttc for 4 years, bad experiences in the past, and a dh who is dealing with something i can't understand, hes not looking for a good job so I'VE HAD to work full time again and he doesnt want to get anything beter. we can't live on even both of us working at our wage.
    i'm so upset that I don't understand my husbands financial situation meaning we get calls about late payments etc.

    i'm done
    so low.

    my bff for life has almost ignored me since the spring.

    thats enough for now
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  7. #337
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
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    Being at mom and dad's was really good. It was a week of tears and support. It helped me cope. I drove back in one week bringing my 17yr old niece for her mini vacation. She is enjoying the shopping lol.

    I don't feel like posting on any boards right now which is unusual for me. I just wanted to post about my special day on Tuesday.

    I saw a new RE. I wasn't even too excited about going since dh and I have not been getting along lately (understatement) however lots has to do with how i'm reacting with my depression/anxiety.

    It was an amazing appointment. I wish I had begun the process of a 2nd opinion from him a year ago. He works at children's hospital and his program is affiliated with UBC. He went thru our previous tests, said we will take a few shots in the dark with testing (only on me) and that having iui's wont' really give us much more of a chance in getting a bfp than just dtd. He said there is a new procedure that the founder will be coming from france to train them on (then he said well I shouldn't be talking about it until it happens) but he went on to say it sounds good and will require less drugs etc. This is not mini ivf.
    He also told us we should apply for a grant to help with the costs of IVF which he recommended us try. I told him of my wishes to only fertilize three eggs since my concience won't let me have any babies frozen as I didn't want to risk not using them and they would be my babies...... I point blank asked him what would be the least amount of eggs that you would fertilize and he said 3. My heart jumped. (my previous RE said he respected my feelings as many others have similar feelings but he tried to push me into at least 8. He asked alot of history, about my cycles etc (they are very regular) he asked if i'd had any late periods and yes I have, he says i think you were pregnant those times. His guess right now is that there is something preventing me 'holding' the pregnancy. This gave me hope and made me sad too.
    Now i'm off to check out my ff charts to see how many late periods i've had.
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  8. #338
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
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    Its my last day to show my Niece around until her flight home tomorrow. I'm going to take her to our beachfront that has a long pier and tons of little shops and restaurants. I think we might just come home and laze around but not sure what.

    My two stepkids who live with us are gone for two weeks. I would usually be excited well I am still a bit but i'm still having my ups and downs with dh. its been good for two days but my emotions have not (of course af is here that doesn't help) I'm scared that even though its been good that its temporary. We will be having couples councilling in the next week or two and i'm looking forward to that.

    I've got gallons and gallons of various colors of paint and I hope to do our living/dining room and maybe the bathrooms and my bedroom. I need to have a place to come HOME too, free of clutter and chaos. That has been a big problem since we got married. (kids drop their stuff everywhere and leave it but dh waits till its a HUGE mess until he says anything or he just does it which causes a fight because I want him to tell them to clean up after themselves...... oh the joys of stepparenting.

    Despite all of the emotional ups and DOWNS i've had the past few months I do have a glimmer of hope since my new RE appt. I'm trying not to get my hopes up IYKWIM.

    OK, gotta go get cleaned up for some tourguide stuff.
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  9. #339
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
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    So I dont know if anyone has noticed in the past i've talked about DH and him having a temper or twisting ideas/truth around and I get hurt in the end. He doesn't stop and think about what he's saying like a child ie: 'ya well I don't like you either"
    Well he's been doing this on and off all the time, sigh. I have so much going on in my mind I know that his behavior has definately added to my depression that started from ttc for so long.
    He is going to councilling now, just started but he said to me today 'we have 24 hrs to decide on 'this' relationship. ??????????????????????????
    Two hours later he said (the millionth time) i've had it i'm going and goes to the dog and pats him saying "i'm going to miss you the most" and then says you have everything but I want the computer that my mom paid for. (probably wants to get rid of evidence of flirting online) I have never come out and said all of this and my intention is to accept whats going on in my life. I love him. We didn't blend me with the kids properly right from the start and alot has been me vs them which if you know me personally that kills my heart. I take care of them,..........but they don't treat me the best lets just say. Low respect.

    He just came home after being out for two hours (which I thought he was getting council from one of our elders in the congregation) but he hung out with his stepdaughter 19 and then went for wings...... knocks at the door with me thinking he's come home to appologize yet again. Oh no, he said 'i'm just looking for a phone number (the elders) as he's been to their house but they are out.

    He proceeds to say "i'm the one going out and trying to do something about this and you are just sitting around here doing nothing"

    I'm feeling powerful actually. 5 days ago I would have been laying in the fetal position crying. I think he's pissed because I didn't react like normal, I didn't cry, I was in shock and I made a choice to tell him I don't want to fight, this is repetative, I want to talk and when you are ready then come to me.

    He's pissed.

    Here I am wishing for my baby. How can I stop wishing for that? I know that me and DH can work things out, the kids will be gone in 5 years, I love him and he loves me but wow he has alot of making up to do and we have to learn how to talk.

    Good thing the kids are away for winter break.

    I hate that this is in the open, i've made a point of trying to give him an out, speak well of him because I felt that if people thought low of him than they would think I was stupid for marrying him...... I've got a lot to learn. Shoot, I just remembered I think I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow around 9, or is it tuesday, just not sure, I'll just show up.
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  10. #340
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
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    We've had two marriage councilling sessions this week. I really appreciated them, they didn't tell us what to do but that we need to make changes as we can't continue to live like this so its either work it out and move on or.......

    I have no intentions of divorce. I KNOW we could have a wonderful family and it really wouldn't take that long (i maybe nieve) to get at least to the point of easily communicating and making our home a haven to both us and the kids.


    DH and I are working out some financial and other issues so one decision was to cancel the internet. YIKES. I've been on this board probably 350 days/year X 4 years. This might help me get a good break off the obsession this site can cause.

    We saw a second RE and he was lovely. I see him again in three months and even though we are taking a break for prob three more months that is about the same time the university is having a French RE come and teach them some NEW procedure which is a cross between superov and IVF. This sounds perfect for us. I think it might be not until march he said so that works with our 'break'. I'll check up on everyone time to time I"M SURE at friends houses etc.

    Love you all and hope I see some lovely news from all of you.

    I hope to announce one day something to you too. I'll keep in touch the odd time while at friends/family or the library.
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

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