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Thread: room for more love (ttc after vr and loss)

  1. #421
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
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    Having a snow day today. Its raining so i'm sure it won't last very long.

    Just got a call from the insurance company... dh hit someone yesterday and they are claiming physical injury. Lovely. What if they really were hurt? Dh told me he bumped someone and there was no damage to either car. Now I get this call? Whats the real story? I called him but his cell isn't working so i'll have to wait till tonight to hear more of the story. Of course the truck is owned and insured under my name because he doesn't have a clean driving record, had a similar accident 4 years ago but no injury, some damage to the guys bumper. Stupid. I just hope I try and understand it could have happened to anyone, just wish he'd be more careful.

    Stress.

    Going to have a stills assessment tomorrow morning, see what jobs I can qualify for. Hope i'm not found to be too stupid. Too bad they don't test me on charting and ttc, bet i'd ace that one lol
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  2. #422
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
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    Having a good day. Had a bit of a stressful night the other day with DH over the accident, he's trying to make light of it and well, anyways we moved on which is good.

    Yesterday I signed up for a cake decorating class!!! So excited. Well its not a class covering all the basics but rather its a three evening class to teach us how to make gumpaste cherry blossom's. So cute Once I do this one i'll probably want to take more classes. Glad to be doing something fun and positive.

    I also went to a school and took the TOWES assesment test. It is a test to see how well you can adapt to various types of communication, numeracy and stuff like filling in forms and reading them. It was over one hour long and it wasn't too difficult. I was so nervous going in as I have such low self confidence. As I type this i'm wondering if my 5 years of infertility have effected my self confidence. After all, trying every single month, driving 1.5 hours across borders to purchase affordable OPK's every few months, needles, tests, surgery, ....tears... all for nothing. What is that teaching my heart?

    I'm embarassed a bit to be talking about ttc and how I hope to do another IVF. Embarassed because of the struggles my marriage has put me/us thru. Its not how I want things, not 'the way it should be', but I can't help it. I still want a baby, even if it 'will be a struggle'. I guess i'm just embarassed that i've posted the cold hard truth of my life... for the world to see. How can I expect to have support and heaven forbid that someone could actually be happy and excited for me. If the tables were turned i'd be worried for a girl that I appear to be online. Sigh. But i'm not the only one to have struggles right? How come it seems that almost everyone online has a great marriage, beautiful home, great job......
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  3. #423
    Posting Addict I'm_a_pepper's Avatar
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    Oh Deborah, your post breaks my heart. You probably don't know me, but I am one of many who have followed your story, and every time you update your journal, I check excitedly to see if you are posting about a BFP. Rest assured that we (or I at least) don't think you are silly for posting your feelings, your heartache, your hopefulness. It gives ME hope to see you hopeful each month even after all that you have been through. You are just one of us...those women who have heartache in this struggle to become mothers. Believe me...there are a lot of us out there who struggle with infertility/loss...so why wouldn't we pull for you? You are expressing your most fervent heart's desire to carry a child when you post here - all of your heartache and fear AND hope. That's why we identify with you, we root for you... because you put it all out there. It might be kind of strange for me to tell you all this, seeing as how you have probably never seen my name, but I just wanted to let you know that there are folks who care. ((HUGS))

  4. #424
    Mega Poster RyleesMom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by I'm_a_pepper View Post
    Oh Deborah, your post breaks my heart. You probably don't know me, but I am one of many who have followed your story, and every time you update your journal, I check excitedly to see if you are posting about a BFP. Rest assured that we (or I at least) don't think you are silly for posting your feelings, your heartache, your hopefulness. It gives ME hope to see you hopeful each month even after all that you have been through. You are just one of us...those women who have heartache in this struggle to become mothers. Believe me...there are a lot of us out there who struggle with infertility/loss...so why wouldn't we pull for you? You are expressing your most fervent heart's desire to carry a child when you post here - all of your heartache and fear AND hope. That's why we identify with you, we root for you... because you put it all out there. It might be kind of strange for me to tell you all this, seeing as how you have probably never seen my name, but I just wanted to let you know that there are folks who care. ((HUGS))
    She couldn't have said it better!

    You don't know me either.. we have exchanged posts on a couple of my BBs.. but I always check your journal hoping and wishing for good news from you. So what if youR personal life has issues? Doesn't EVERYONES? "They" may only talk about their perfect marriage and job and house.. but you know that isn't 100% truthful! In the end.. your journey to be a mom is and should trump all these hiccups along the way.. anyone of us would do exactly as you are doing! Giving it another go because you deserve it! Best of luck to you!

  5. #425
    Posting Addict stupidcomputer's Avatar
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    Hey buddy... Your fertility issues do not define you as anything less then a strong, kind and brave woman.
    What about a career in some kind of horticulture/ agriculture
    field. You are a whiz in the garden. Landscaping perhaps?

    I will bet your open heart on this board has helped many many people...

    Xoxox k

    Oh, and edited to add... Darn tootin you deserve to give IVF another try!!!!
    Last edited by stupidcomputer; 01-31-2011 at 01:46 AM.

  6. #426
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
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    Thank you everyone for your posts of kindness. It meant alot to me. I found myself without words to express the feelings i'm going thru because quite frankly i'm not sure what these feelings all mean.

    Its been a rough go in my home the past few weeks though its calmer the past few days. I'll be able to explain in a few weeks I hope.

    I'm enjoying my new hobby of cake decorating! I still have homework to do, make some more flowers before my monday night class, but I need supplies and it will take a 30 min drive to the nearest craft store to get things.

    Hoping to cross the boarder and get some things at dollartree.

    I'll be a bachelor this weekend, dh and dss are going to Vancouver Island to help out dsd with her apartment. Just me and pup. Looking forward to lots of snuggles, maybe I should rent a movie or two

    I got a cheque from the consignment shop where I took my baby clothes from my hope chest. I got $160. I dropped off a bunch of spring clothes while I was there. I kept one outfit/set that I just can't part with yet, and the few things I bought whenever Dh and I travelled (souvenier's)

    I planted some sweet pea seeds in my front garden yesterday. The tulips and daffodils are coming up and I see a few flowers starting to bloom on the crocus'. Its cold today but i'm looking forward to the spring gardening season, makes me feel good to have something grow out of my hard work as opposed to ttc and 'working hard' at that for so long and nothing to show for it.

    Yup i'm still a bit depressed, (duh) but i'm feeling a bit of calmness the past week. Starting to accept a few things in my life possibly?
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  7. #427
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
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    Here is where I live. Its not always so exciting, this video is taken during the festival's thru the summer. But I do live very close to the beach. I have to make a point of going to the beach more often. I find the ocean to be so healing to my emotional health. Maybe I can go next week.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RIXu169ZGqg
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  8. #428
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
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    I might have a job! Talking to some ladies they brought up a cleaning job. I called, and i'll be making arrangements to shadow the owner of the cleaning company in the next week or two. Its a permanent job and will work into full time! No weekends.
    I'm happy to find something I feel confident in since my self confidence is almost non-existent.

    I've been doing alot of soul searching, not done yet lol. I asked DH to move out of the bedroom. He's been lying to me about several things and I just caught him on it. Things are not good in the home.

    I'm feeling a tiny bit better, like there is hope, that I can make some changes in my life that will help ME be the person I want to be, and make life more livable. Getting out and doing some work will no doubt help me get stronger physically and emotionally.

    I'm in a much better place emotionally than I was a year ago. THank goodness!

    Looking forward to nicer weather, longer walks with pup. I hope I can retain some flexability with work so I can still go visit mom and dad once in a while. I"ll have to pray hard about that and bring it up on my first interview.
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  9. #429
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
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    Lots has been happening and now i'm in a position to talk about it.

    Work has started, i'm doing two days/week. The work is good, but honestly a bit frusterating because for being gone 8.5 hours of the day on Friday I was paid 4.5 hours.... I get paid for the jobs but driving around and lunch breaks and yada yada thats all we worked. I'd rather go fast, get the jobs done and go home than pitter patter around. It should work out that i'm on my own and have control over that in awhile, but that will take at least a month. And as for full time, the boss said full time to her is 5 days/week at 5 hours/day.... If my situation stayed the same this job would be perfect, but in the back of my mind i'm thinking of moving out on my own.


    Yup, I might be moving out.

    Over the few years of writing his journal, i've talked about 'stresses' in my marriage. Well this stress has a name, and is a woman's name.

    A month into my marriage, as newlyweds, my DH had just reconnected with an old friend, his dead wifes best friend. Immediately their friendship became way too 'friendly'. SHe lives across the country so its not like he was over at her place all the time, but they had an 'emotional affair' I like to call it. He swears they never had sex, but there was lots of sexual talk between them. I begged for him to end communication for the first few years of our marriage, but i'd keep finding texts or emails or whatever. He has travelled east 3 or 4 times to visit his family, and has lied to me saying he wouldn't see her but I just found out about another date they went on last November.

    One year ago we went to councilling after this affair was found out again (It never really ended, just had pauses when he was caught). We seemed to be doing good after that, working towards common goals.... but 4-5 months after things started to go downhill again.

    TTC was a bit on the backburner all summer, and then we won the 'scholarship' for a free IVF. DH was on board, ttc gave me hope, to have the baby I wanted so desperately, to have someone to love that will accept my love and that I can be connected to in a way that I have never felt. During those 6 weeks we got along great, then when it failed, he was comforting and 'we' were doing alright. But that only lasted a few weeks. Then it has been horrible ever since. I had to cancel our 5th anniversary dinner with friends because the fighting was so bad in October.

    Despite all of this, I still wanted my baby. I didn't want that dream to be taken away from me.

    In January a message popped up on my computer, DH had forgotten to log off msn messenger... it was her.

    I was able to go into his account which was still logged in and change the settings to save all chats going forward. I went away to visit my parents and when I returned, got the news that the relationship with her is going on strong and that he admitted to her he 'wasn't trying anymore' in our marriage.

    I've been fighting for his love for 5 years. He has been threatening me with seperation for a few years. I'm exhausted.

    I don't have plans to divorce him though I would like to have some time away, to see if he will 'learn his lesson'. We just had some counselling the past few weeks and he's been 'outed' for his cheating.

    If I was able to have what I want, i'd have him be a responsible man, provide for the family and have a stronger work ethic, be LOYAL to me in every way, have a safe and trusting relationship with him, and maybe in 18 months- 2 years try one more time to have a child.

    I don't think i'll get what I want though.
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  10. #430
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
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    I'm feeling a bit relieved that my secret is 'out'. I've had two days of 'calm' at home and its nice but i'm not getting too used to it.

    Today was supposed to be one of my work days but I got the call yesterday that there would probably be no work... she'd let me know. Its after 10am and no call but that works out good. Its a good mental break day. Both Tues and Wed I made trips across the border for gas and groceries (two vehicles) and that wore me out. Oh and of course i'm dealing with alot of emotions right now. I'm pretty calm actually considering. I feel that the worst has passed, now its on to healing, well there will still be lots of issues to deal with but at least i'm in the position to begin the process.

    I've kept quiet with most of my family issues but i'm now turning to friends and family about it and they have been very supportive. I feel a bit empowered to be taking care of myself, even if its just a little bit.

    None of this makes any sense, but it feels good to not be hiding anymore.

    I still wish I could have the baby I always wanted and loved. I'm not sure if I have the strength to do that in the future. I need to take care of me first before even going there.

    I realized yesterday that i'm not OLD, that I still have time to turn my life around into more of what i'd like it to be... that may not mean a baby of my own, but I can still get my confidence back, maybe get a career going again and take care of the debt that has been pushed onto me from my husband (in my name of course)... and eventually get to spend money on myself for a change.

    This sounds like my life is a mess when I type this, well... it is.

    Thanks everyone for listening, and not judging me for trying so long.
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

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