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Thread: room for more love (ttc after vr and loss)

  1. #441
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
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    I'm doing ok. My dAd and a family friend insulated and built new walls in my new bedroom. It's all freshly painted, even the ceiling. I'm not moved In yet, still at moms for a few days.



    Long story short: my parents drove to be with me when I did my final move out. The morning I had a moving 'cube' delivered to the house my dh ended up taking that day off work. ( typical as he takes off almost one day every week) I had hoped that he would not be home as I was scared he would cause a scene....

    He shouted at the driver and at me... Police were called and they ended up staying all morning while my dad and I moved my stuff as fast as we could out of the house.
    I told my parents more of what my life has been like and two days later we ended up taking my dad to the ER. He was in atrial fibrillation.

    A few hours after being there it was getting more scary as the meds wouldnt work. The room filled with nurses and respiratory therapist and then just like on tv, the DR yelled CLEAR. ( they knocked my dad out first) Then they put the paddles on him. And they shocked him. I closed my eyes, I couldn't watch that. I didn't have to be in the room but the dr was so kind he allowed us and mom said she wanted to be there so... I did too.

    In less than 10 seconds after the shock the nurse exclaimed YES! It worked. His heart was beating normally again.

    If anything happened worse to him that night.... I knew who to blame. It was the stress that brought it on i'm sure.

    Dad is doing great now. He got a very bad chest/ head cold two days later and it lasted almost three weeks. The dr said a risk of shocking him was pneumonia. I guess this was probably like that.

    Dh has been playing head games with me ever since. But I'm far away now and have changed my cell number. He's not contacting me much at all now. Never once said he wanted me to stay or get back together. I'm starting to accept the fact that it will never work.... why thats hard I don't know.

    I'm taking better care of myself now, I've lost 10 lbs, 20 since last september and it feels good. I planted a large garden with tomatoes, zucchini, butternut squash, spaghetti squash, cucumbers for pickles, spinach, garlic, potatoes, cauliflower, broccoli , beets, rutabaga , carrots, beans, peas, romaine, savoy cabbage, and herbs.

    Ive managed not to think too much about not having a birth child. I feel like I didn't get pregnant because my God knew it would be worse for me to have a child in my situation than to go without. At least to go without for now. And a bad start to life for my little one. I'd be devistated to have child that was emotionally abused or used as a pawn against me. Better to not have a child than go thru that given a choice.


    So thats where i'm at now. Going to see a counselor today. Trying to get myself ready to 'live' again, get confidence and not be so afraid of people so that I can work again. My dr told me I have PTSD. It makes sense. But I know that it will ease with time and help. Thanks to everyone who has shared my life for the past 6 years. I have enjoyed our 'interchange of encouragement' very much. If you don't mind i'll update whenever something interesting/exciting happens to me.

    Love you.

    Deb
    Last edited by deborah74; 06-07-2011 at 12:57 PM.
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  2. #442
    Posting Addict wishing4agirl's Avatar
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    As the mother of a heart patient, stress did not cause your fathers episode. Please don't put that on yourself. I know what that's like. I've felt it for years. It sounds like he's doing better and for that I am glad. I'm glad you see a bigger picture. Please please please update us on what and how you are doing. I honestly check here nearly every day waiting to hear how you are doing. You've been an amazing friend. You checked on me in one of my darkest days and I will always be thankful for that. (((Hugs)))

  3. #443
    Community Host SoCaliLover's Avatar
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    I also check on you a lot! Please continue to update! You are loved and cared for and deserve so much better!





    Amy
    Adrienne (30) Ashley (28 ) Tiffany (25) and Zayden (4)
    I nursed my sweet baby for 1 year and 9 months.






  4. #444
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    Ditto for me checking in on you. Huge hugs, Deb. I agree not to put your dad's atrial fib on yourself, it very likely would have happened anyway.

    Best wishes to you in your new life. Please do update when you can.

    ~Mary

  5. #445
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    Deb, definitely check in here when you can. I think of you often. Hugs and prayers!

  6. #446
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
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    Hi friends. I'm doing fine. I'm seeing a lovely counsellor once a week and its nice to have someone to talk to with experience.

    I'm doing good on my diet. Trying to keep up the exercise program but its hard to get motivated sometimes.

    Summer weather here has been horrible. Most of my garden is ruined, but the greenhouse is still trying to grow. Still hoping for some warm weather to arrive, or at least sunshine.

    I saw some old family friends I grew up with two weeks ago. It was so nice to have happy memories, and I was invited to stay with them for a visit. My childhood town is on the northern BC coast.

    My husband hasn't been talking to me which suits me fine.

    No work yet, not looking, still dealing way to much with ptsd to find work. Maybe soon I can do some volunteering to 'break the ice'.

    ohh, I think I see some sunshine
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  7. #447
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
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    Hello old friends!

    Ive had an ok summer, the last month has been very good for me. I'm feeling stronger and more independent. I went on a solo road trip to my hometown. Saw lots of old family friends, went salmon fishing and caught tons of fish! I found some of my 'spark' again!

    A friend told me of a suite coming up available where I used to live and it turns out I have met the landlord several times over the years. She is very nice and it just felt right! I took it. Yup, I'm moving back to where me and my husband lived. Well I lived there for 4 years before being married. I'm excited/nervous to be moving into my own place. I don't have a job lined up, I'm just "going for it" yikes!

    I move in a month or so.

    That's all for now. Hope you all are well and had a nice summer.
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

  8. #448
    Posting Addict wishing4agirl's Avatar
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    Thank you so much for posting. How exciting about your own place!!! Glad things are moving in a good direction for you.

  9. #449
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    Glad things are going better Deb! I hope the new place is great and that you have found a job that is just right for you. I think of you often!
    Rachel, momma to 4
    dd 9, ds 7, twin boys Dec 09
    I nursed my twins for 2years and 2 weeks! A little sad to be all done now.

  10. #450
    Posting Addict deborah74's Avatar
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    Hi everyone. Time is flying!! Im doing alright, in the past year ive lost 50 lbs!!! so happy about that. i go to the beach a few times per week and jog. Still looking for work. I had no idea it would be this hard and take so long. Im hopeful to find that perfect job that i'll gain confidence in fast and that will provide financially so i can support myself.

    ive come to terms with not having a child. i'm not as angry when i see a baby bump or baby clothes. some days i avoid the baby aisle but im not obsessing anymore. Its a blessing i dont have a child with my husband. that is a huge statement to make for all who know me.
    love u all
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/105fd1
    TTC since Feb 06 6 IUI, 4 rounds clomid, 3 rounds of injections, ultrasounds, HSG, Laproscopy, Hysteroscopy, Naturopathic Dr, tcm and acupuncture= BFN
    Natural BFP = m/c May 07 @ 6W6D
    BCP for IVF August 1
    Synarel August 15
    Stims August 29 Repronex 150
    September 11 ER 10 eggs=No eggs fertilized, rescue ICSI failed
    my journal: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboa...ad.php?t=14537

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