room for more love (ttc after vr and loss)

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deborah74's picture
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room for more love (ttc after vr and loss)

Hello there. My name is Deborah. DH and I have been ttc for one year now. This is my first (and only Biggrin ) marriage, dh has been married before but sadly lost his wife to breast cancer when she was 31. He had three children, the youngest turned 5 the same week mommy died.

We met online and very slowly got to know each other. I had never had a pet or even a roommate let alone an entire family to take care of! But we fell in love after a few years of back and forth, got married and soon after he had his vasectomy reversal. It seems to have worked, we are waiting on the specialized semen analysis which will be here next week Biggrin

I have been on different boards on this web site and met lots of lovely ladies, never thought i'd be ttc long enough to want to post a journal. However since i'm still here I think it would be theraputic for myself to tell our story, good and bad.

Thank you for listening.

deborah74's picture
Joined: 12/14/05
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Today is CD4. I'm excited because my oldest sd is coming for a visit. She will be here for a few weeks. We havn't seen her since last summer and that was only for a week.

I had a good talk with DH the other night. I asked him if he had any timeframes for us ttc, just to know what he was thinking. He said right away, but if we are not pregnant in 10 years than maybe he would be too old. Lol

I felt reassured hearing he didn't want to wait for anything.

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Joined: 12/14/05
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Exciting day!!!!! Started out sleeping in for my RE appt, we got there almost 30 min late but they were very nice and it was no problem. DH and I saw the RE and got his SA results. He has great swimmers! After our questions were answered, we were diagnosed with 'unexplained intertility'. Next step for us will be to have an unmedicated IUI. He recommended that we use clomid with an IUI but since everything seems "normal" for us I wanted in my heart to at least try it once unmedicated. The most exciting news is that since i'm on CD 9, we get to try this month! I'm feeling really good about this.

Off to dream about his super swimmers and my dairy case.... (ever see the movie Junior?)

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WOW, i'm on CD 14 which means my IUI will be in the next few days! I can't believe it. I woke up today and got nervous right away at the prospect of having it done and also actually getting pregnant. :o

I'm hoping that If i don't get pregnant this cycle i'm not too devistated. But this is much more "help" I thought i'd need in getting pregnant. ANd alot longer than I thought too. I thought i'd be pregnant within three months. Oh well, good things have come out of ttc taking longer than "planned". I've had more time to bond with my step kids, more time to work since DH has been off sick with a bad hip since last October. He will be going to college next month until summer when he should be ready for a supervisory job.

SD is still here visiting. Its been so nice. We took her and her gf to vancouver island for the weekend.

deborah74's picture
Joined: 12/14/05
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OK, this is crazy. Its cd 16, and I still am getting totally negative opks. I had a hard day today at work, stressing out that somehow i'll get the pos at noon and its too late to do an IUI for that day and the next day it will be too late........

I called 4 different pharmacy's and got prices for opk's since i'm using dollar tree ones and starting to think maybe they are not the smartest to use for an IUI cycle. The ones i got in the states are one dollar each. Tonight I got some from Safeway for $36.99 for 5 tests. OUCH

Baby, if you read this, i love you very much, you are worth every penny! Smile

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YEA!!!!! I got a blazing pos opk! It came up dark right away. I was so excited. I had a busy morning, all giddy and trying to not talk about it at work for the hour that I was there. Here is a copy of my post in the Dec birth board:

just got home. It went fine. It started with me "loosing" my dh, he went to give his sample without me, i wanted to go too but it was too late. SO I sat in the waiting room and started freaking out, what if they mix up the sperm with someone elses sample? What if I have someone elses baby? and WHY didn't I think to ask of their procedures before we got to this point?

ANyways I quizzed him and he told me that they are very throrough, you put your own label on the cup etc, double check names and everything. SO that felt better.

As for the procedure it was fine, except she had to switch speculums to a longer one (i'm thinking im not that worn out am i?) lol
And then she had to do some fishing with the catheder but told me this happens alot. All done in about 15 min, after a 15 min rest we went home. I dont get to have a blood test for 13 days, i'm thinking to myself, does she not know how much of a poas addict I am? there is no way I can hold out that long.

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Wierd morning today. I woke up with cramps. Very uncomfortable cramps. I temped and it was very low, pre O low. Anyways I had a nice time staying in bed and snuggling dh almost till noon! So nice. But when I went pee, I was spotting. What is going on with my body? Felt just like af was starting. I'm still spotting tonight, just a little but still there. And light cramps too. I'm not taking any advil just in case we have a bean in there.
I wish someone could tell me if this is normal. Oh my DH told me that the nurse at the re's office told me I might have some spotting. But did she mean right after the procedure? Why three days later.

I'm not feeling so stressed, it just seems to be sounding like that in this journal. At least writing it down makes me feel better like someone will take care of things for me.

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The nurse suggested that I go in to see the dr for him to "take a look" since i've had cramps that started sun am along with spotting and are now light flow. The dr took a look at my cervix to make sure that the bleeding wasn't from a cut during my IUI and he said that it was definately not a cut but "looked like menstral flow". He was trying to let me down softly for this cycle I think. I said but i'm only 3dpo? CD 20? and i've never had a cycle shorter than 28 days for the past year and half. He sent me for hormone testing to see whats going on and get a baseline for the next cycle, not including this one i've obviously just started. We intended on going onto clomid and iui but he suggested that we first find out whats going on before doing that. No kidding.
I was devistated. Why do my cycles go screwy now?/ and bleeding at 3DPO OMG i'm scared at what i'm going to be facing with ttc from now on.

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Back to work today after one day off. The doctor called me to tell me that my results proved that I was having a normal period and that we will have to re-evaluate how closely i'm monitored as to when I O. That makes me think that the dr thinks my IUI was misstimed and that maybe i o'd alot earlier. ITs the most logical explenation for me to have a period right after o. I know what i saw though, I took opks for days before and they were all negative. So who knows, this month will be just on our own, its the last chance we have to make a 2007 baby.
I better start saving lots of money, this baby has already cost me alot.

I"m so excited though to be going away for the weekend by myself. I"m going to be spending time with my best gf and she has plans to spoil me. It sure feels nice to be spoiled. I can't wait.

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What a nice weekend! LOTS of snuggles and kisses from my honorary niece and nephew. My gf took me out on the town friday night, sat we chilled out at home and then did some shopping. Today she treated me to a massage and pedicure at the spa. WOW, i really needed that. I truly relaxed friday night and all day yesterday. Of course things started to bother me when I was trying to sleep last night, and this afternoon the stress level was going up. But I got a nice welcome home from DH so that is making me feel better.

Oh and my gf also bought me tonns of supplements to boost my fertility.
It felt to have so much support and good vibes.

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YEA, my dh will be going back to work after being off sick for 6 months!!!

He has been in construction for years, and he developed a bad hip this year. He is going back to work tomorrow, and hopefully taking some management courses next year.

As for ttc, nothing to report. I had the longest period ever, but now i'm feeling normal. Taking all of my vitamins regularly and looking forward to trying clomid next cycle. I wish we would just get pregnant this cycle on our own but I won't be shocked if my period comes in three weeks. I'm wondering if I should make an appt with my re or if there is any need. He gave me a prescription for clomid to use already.

Work is good, looking forward to being off for a long weekend next week, i'm going over to take care of my gf, the same one who treated me last week. She is going in for a lap surgury for her endometriosis so its my turn to take care of her and her kids.

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Had a good day at work. I'm starting to get excited that its O time soon. I know that our chances are very low since we won't be doing anythign extra this month to help us along. I do feel good about taking my new vitamins and supplements. I'm taking Vitex, vitamin E, prenatal vitamins and red clover. DH is taking zinc, calcium, vit C, macasure and vit E.

I wonder if it will work for us, and how quickly. Is tomorrow soon enough??? Lol

I havn't taken any opk's yet. Not sure If I will. I won't spend money on brand name ones this month, i'll save that for an IUI cycle. But you can be sure i'll be digging around my closet for $ tree tests. Hmm, I think I hear a few calling me. Maybe i'll start tomorrow.

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Today I'm going to a wedding! My assistant manager at work is getting married, she is also 5 months pregnant and of course got preg the first month she "kind of tried". I'm going solo, with the other girls from work. DH is going to a friends house for a bbq.

Im sitting here this morning staring at my chart, wondering when we should time our bd. I didn't look for any opk's. I think I have two in my purse but I doubt i'd get any positives yet. I keep o'g later in my cycles.
A day/night out will be good for me.

Yesterday at work I saw a man walking thru the mall with his little kids. I totally envisioned my dh being the proud dad and loving his baby. Made me feel so good about us ttc. And more dedicated. I know he will be a great daddy, he already is. I can't imagine sharing this experience with him, having a child. Amazing.

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Yesterday I took an OPK and got an almost positive!!!!! Biggrin I'm really happy since my O has been getting later and later in my cycles. Today I got a more positive result, oh and yesterday I had a little bit of ewcm! I showed my dh the test from today, didnt say anything just held it out for him and he says " so we have to do it again?" I laughed, i'm like "have too??" he didnt mean it that way, he was just going with the program.

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I got an even more pos OPK the next day. FF gave me crosshairs for the next day so i'm happy with that. I'm totally obsessing this month but i've learned this year that I'm probably not pregnant so I won't be devistated if I'm not. I'm just worried that if my period comes early (less than 10dpo) I shouldn't start clomid. Thats our plan for next cycle, clomid with an IUI. I'm excited to do that but not if my hormones are out of whack. I can't imagine that the clomid will be good for me if my cycles are screwy. Maybe it would fix it. Dont' know.

Anyways i've been away at my gf's house since wed night. She lives on Vancouver Island and had surgury on thursday so I came to help her out and keep her kids busy and out of her hair so she can get better. I"m missing my family though, cant wait to see my DH. Time away sure does make the heart grow fonder.

The other day I was talking to DH on the phone (since i've been away) I can't remember what it was about but he said "why, did you find out something I should know about?"
Hard to explain since i've forgotten most of the conversation but it was so sweet that his mind is on us ttc too. It made me feel so good that he's excited about us having a baby. Smile

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Back home now. I had a nice afternoon with DH, but It hit me once I was home that this week wore me out. So tired. I had to go to bed, like I was in some wierd funk. As i'm typing this I realize that maybe this is a symptom. I'm getting my hopes up this cycle. Sigh.

Back to work today, all is normal. I'm obsessing so much that tomorrow i'm gonna poas in the morning. I'll be 8dpo. Oh well, i've heard of a woman geting a bfp at 7dpo. Crazier things have happened.

I'm so glad to see some very deserving women getting bfp's on this site. I can't imagine what it will be like to get pregnant. But i'm not going to obsess with that yet till its my turn. Hmm, well maybe a little Lol

OH and my dh told me that while I was away he was talking to my assistant manager (who's pregnant) and was telling her the boy names we have chosen for our baby, OMG. I wanted to keep it private, oh well.

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Day off today!!! But im' so tired and I have a headache. I watched my Canucks kick butt, well that was until I couldn't watch any longer since they went to 4 ot. I fell asleep after two OT. I'm off to meet a friend in half and hour and its a gorgeous day.....but i'm here on the computer obsessing with this site. I called my RE to see if my blood work is back. At least i'll know early if this cycle is totally out and I can relax.

My best friend emailed me today all worried. She wants me to give vitamins and herbal remedies another month before going onto clomid. I understand, and I wish I would have tried them months ago. But I"m not sure that I can wait. Its only a month but after this long, i'm not sure If I can even consider waiting.

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Another day done. I called the RE nurse to get my blood test results. She said she just received the report this morning and after putting me on hold she said she needed to give it to the doctor to look at and then call me back. :-?
So does this mean that only doctors give out results? Does this mean that I had a very slight positive pregnancy test? Does this mean that my progesterone wasn't where it should be? Does this give me reason to obsess more for a whole weekend?

Oh well, i'm busy all weekend with the family and work so I'll just have to wait until monday to find out that the test came back neg preg and normal hormones. I just was hoping for a miracle pregnancy and for the RE to say I guess we won't be needing you to come in for an IUI next month....
I'm gonna poas tomorrow just for fun.....

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Well........ I poas Sat am with FMU and got a faint line! Very faint and it took a few min to appear. So I used another test with the same sample and got an identical line. VERY faint but visible. I had plans with my family in the morning and then went to the walk in clinic before going to work. The dr had me give a urine sample and his test was negative. I showed him mine and he said it looked positive but sent me for a blood test to be sure. Biggrin I called today but they didnt have the results yet. So i'm getting my hopes up. I took a first response test last night and one this morning with fmu and got an even lighter line. I sure hope I'm not having a chemical pregnancy. I hope even more this is a bfp, my sister is coming into town this week and i'd love to tell her in person (we only see each other twice a year at most).

When I got home from work my DH hands me a shot glass full of malibu rum and I say oh i can't. He says come on, 3,2,1 so i put it too my lips and he drinks his. I say I can't honey, he says are you pregnant? I said I DONT KNOW but I might be. So I tell him about the tests and the doctor, and i hug him and i say can you believe you might have done this all on your own and we didnt need help? He says all serious "I knew I could do it"....."and we just saved alot of money not having to get IUI" Just like a man to say that Lol

So this morning I took a test with FMU and went back to bed to wait for him to get up. When he awoke, he asked if I tested, I said yes and I'm waiting to look at it with you at the same time. I was so excited to look at it, but there was no dark line, not even a medium line, a VERY faint line and it was the same as the night before. Even with FMU and this was using a first response test. Sad
AF is due tomorrow, I feel no cramps but my temp went down a little today. Can't wait for tomorrow since I will get the blood test results from 8dpo and 12dpo from yesterday....

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Just to obsess some more, some symptoms are:

4dpo, I had this wierd feeling in my uterus and pubic bone, like I wanted to hold it, put a bit of pressure on it like it needed comforting.

8ish dpo, my boobs had grown overnight, hugely. I'm already a DD so they were really getting in the way.

Very vivid dreams and this morning 13dpo I woke up early and was very thirsty and somewhat hungry (i'm never hungry in the morning).

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the results are in..........BFP!!!

I got the blood test results monday, positive. I went home and gave DH a party invitation and on the inside it said:

FOR: Baby L
WHEN: Dec 26, 2007
WHERE: Peace Arch Hospital
RSVP: Pink or Blue we welcome you

He looked at me and said 'Your pregnant?"
we had a nice hug and he said "I knew I could do it" Lol
We are over the moon. When I got home from work yesterday he met me at the car and took the bags of groceries out of my hand saying "pregnant women shouldn't be carrying these" Blum 3

My sister came to visit me (she lives 800 miles away) and last night I handed her the same card. It took her a min and she just looked at me questioning and I said yes. Tears and hugs. I finally will make her an auntie again (first are my stepkids)

My mom called but I didnt tell her, she lives there too and will be down next week so I will give them the news in person. I'm so glad I get to tell my family face to face and not over the phone.

Thanks to everyone who have shared my ttc journey, pass on the (((sticky vibes))))

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Bad news. Tuesday morning after breakfast i felt crappy and strange, like i Was in a bad mood. I got some light cramps and sat most of the day at work just to be safe. I was off work wednesday and woke up with a sore throat and feeling more of the same, just crappy. I wanted to get a baby book to start a journal for our little sprout, so i went to walmart where after purchasing a few items i went to the washroom and i was spotting. Just a little bit of brown. I was upset but not freaking out. I went home and laid in bed the rest of the day. Cramps were stronger but I could deal with them, and then I spotted more. Today I had really bad cramps, I called the RE and left messages with the nurse but after waiting an hour I couldn't take it any longer. I called my friend at work and she came and took me to the er. THe cramps were awful. DH left work and came to be with me. AFter bloodwork and ultrasound they basically said it looks like a miscarriage. I need another beta on sat to make sure its going down. I"m so tired from the pain all day that i'm kind of in shock. I cried alot this morning and at the hospital. now i'm just tired. my re called me and he wants to see me next week for a follow up and i'm eager to go. I don't want to wait long to ttc. But i'm still in shock.

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Theron called my parents to tell them that I miscarried. He offered to call them for me which was really big of him. I couldn't even talk to them, i'm too upset. I havn't been talking to anyone except my friend from work who drove me to the ER.
Yesterday DH took me to get my follow up beta done, and it is already down to 26. It was like hitting the last nail on the coffin. Dh told his parents who didnt even know we were pregnant. Honestly I was a bit worried to tell them when we got pregnant, scared they would say something like "why do you want another baby, or you can't afford a baby.' but that was just me being stupid. They were wonderful and very supportive and sympathetic to DH. MIL emailed me and said that she was sad at the thought of a grandchild she could have had.
I guess next time I won't assume the worst in people. MY bad.

My neck is sore from laying in bed so much. I'm getting more energy but I still want to hide.

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I went to my RE on wednesday. He was very sympathetic for our loss. He said he believes that nothing was wrong with me, but probably with the baby. I knew he'd say that but it truly comforted me and DH. He also said that we can start ttc right away, even this cycle! Honestly I was excited thinking that I might only be "not pregnant" for a few weeks in between. But in my heart I know that it would be best to at least wait for one normal period. DH was so sweet, he felt that too saying i'm not ready (meaning emotionally too) but if I wanted to try he would too. I think he just wants me to be myself again and smiling.
I'm starting to feel normal again, which makes me sad at how fast my body is getting used to not being pregnant again. But I guess its good and will just make our next bfp come that much quicker.
Work is really hard, I have two pregnant women to work with, one who complains about her pregnancy and all I want is to have those complaints. (i'm sure i'll complain when its my turn too but)
Yesterday we had a beautiful 4 day old baby girl in the store, along with a few other babies under three months.
Oh my first day back in the first hour of helping customers a lady said to me "did you have your baby already?" OMG I had to say oh no, thats the other girl that works here. In my heart I was thinking of saying "yes, i had my baby and now my baby is gone". Guess that would have killed the sale.

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Didn't have a great morning. It was my first time back at my congregation since our m/c. Some of my best friends were there comforting me, but I didnt make it thru the first song and i started to cry. A family was coming in and all I saw out of the corner of my eye in the row beside us was a baby car seat. I lost it, as soon as the opening prayer was over I bolted for the bathroom. One of my friends came and talked to me, after a bit I was calmed down and able to go back to my seat. It really shocked me at my strong reaction. All week I had to work and I think that it made me supress alot of my feelings/grief. Today being off work, and in my safe place with my congregation just opened up the floodgates. i'm glad I went, I needed to unload those feelings that i've kept in for the past few days. After this morning my DH was so sweet, he asked me if I wanted to make another baby tonight. I said no. Its nice to know he just wants to make me happy.

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Things are ok. Work is a bit better to deal with. Something funny happened monday night. I almost had to call the firemen to come rescue my kitty in a tree, but I did the rescuing instead. She is usually an indoor cat but i sat outside with her while she sniffed around the backyard for 30 min. She was so cute and we've done this a few times so I thought it was safe. Well the second I walk inside (and left her out) she took off up the tree. This is a huge west coast cedar tree. She was up maybe 20 feet and I thought she'd come down in her own due time. But a few min later I saw 5 birds circling the top of the tree and actually attacking the tree. She had climbed almost to the top. :o When I saw the birds attacking I knew they would kill her so I had to get her. I climbed up maybe 40 feet, didn't look down and got her. She looks like puss in boots from shrek, with her big scared eyes. After I got down I realized how many scratches I had. I'm covered with them and also from the tree.

She is not allowed out for a few days.

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What a crappy week. I have had my heart broken again. I caught my DH in a lie. A bad lie, one that was against our relationship. He admitted to doing things that we promised not to do when we got married. I'm feeling so many emotions and trying to decide where do we go from here. Funny. I cannot decide that. The ball is still in his court despite the fact that he is at fault. Its up to him, I love him with all my heart and dont want to jump ship. He needs to decide if he's going to be faithful to me or not. TTC is hard on relationships, and loosing a baby adds to the confusion and stress and pain. I really dont need this, nobody does. I feel the stress growing in my neck as I write this. I've been thru this before with him, at a much lesser degree and we work it out within a week. But this is a doozy and will take alot longer. I feel so cheated in that i'm also loosing ttc time. How can I try to have a baby when we are not working as a team? It feels like he's cheating me out of time doing this too. I wish I could just explain it all point blank but I dont want to air all of my familys dirty laundry in hopes that we will be able to clean it. ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGg

I guess no babies this month, kind of hard to get pregnant when he's banished to the couch downstairs and i'm in no mood for even ttc sex.

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doing MUCH better now. I gave dh a to do list if we are to stay together (not that I had any plans but) and he has done well fulfilling it.

He knows he was wrong THANK GOODNESS so finally my life will be much easier.

So as for ttc, this month even though its my first cycle since loosing sprout, and I didnt chart or use any opk's; i'm obsessing. I have no idea when I o'd, but i'm pretty sure I did since i've started temping on and off again. If not, i'm totally going all out next month, temping , opks, vitamins. Why does it feel like I'm "cured" from my unexplained infertility? I mean, since I got pregnant, i'm getting my hopes up that i'm cured so I can get pregnant right away. Here we go again, hope i'm not getting my hopes up too high just to crash and burn.

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I had a man come into my store yesterday. He looked a little lost but glowing. I quickly saw the hospital bracelet and said congratulations. His first son had just been born the night before and he was in to look at clothes. He told us about his wife, the baby's name, the labor and he was such a proud daddy. As soon as he left I lost it. My friend/co-worker took one look at me and gave me a hug and that was the end of me. It was just too much because half an hour before a woman was buying something for a gift and I made the comment "oh dad's love this hat" and she said well its for a young girl who's 19. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? that she accidentally got pregnant and there is no "dad". #*&$^*^$@#^ HELLO, here's me, here's my womb, vacant and ready for business. I know this past few weeks have been crappy in my home but its coming around already.

I took a test today just in case that the last time we bd somehow coincided with my O. BFN. I have had some cramping and my hormones are totally whacked which i'm sure made things worse here at home. This period is going to be hell I can tell already. I hope it isn't late.

I don't like all of my venting. Its just a downer, does nothing nice for anyone reading my journal. I need to get my frustrations out fast, so I can move on and start making a comfy home for our next bean. I feel like apologizing to everyone who has read my journal this past week. Hope I didn't ruin your day with my crap.

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I ended up getting some cross between the flu and a cold this week. Tuesday it started and I had a heck of a night with a fever and couldn't sleep till 4am. The sad part was that DH surprised me with an appt for a full body massage wed am on my day off. I had to call and cancel. Sad I have to go to work soon, my district manager is visiting me today. SHe is cool but still, I need an easy day and i'm not going to get it.
I"m so much happier with dh. HE is really trying to be romantic and pay attentnion to me these days. I've woken up twice now to a rose on the pillow beside me. Seriously, did he go online and google "what do women like" ? Lol More importantly, he's being honest and open with me. Things are looking up.

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I started to spot today. My emotions are torn. I'm a little happy that this cycle is over so we can move on with the healing process and also ttc. But more so i'm sad. Its like the final chapter of my bfp and sprout is totally gone now since my body is "back to normal". I went back and forth the past few days wondering how far I should go in ttc this month and the next few cycles. It was tough going thru a loss, and bad with my Dh for a few weeks. Since then major changes have happened in our relationship, positive ones. I wasnt sure if I wanted to try now since it would be so nice to go on vacation and camping and party/have fun drinking with dh and friends but I dont want to do that obviously if pregnant. I realized that if I got a bfp i'd be extatic so I thought there's my answer, do I want to drink, or have a baby?

Tonight I filled my first prescription for clomid. I'll be starting it probably on sunday. I can't wait. I think we will do an IUI too. I asked DH and he just wants me to be happy and do what I want. He is not under the same time restraints and I realize there is no way I can wait a few months so why bother even waiting one month.

Let the hormone changes begin!

Oh and we are going to Seattle with the kids tomorrow for the weekend. We plan on going to the Pike street market and a Mariners baseball game on Sunday. Should be hot and sunny. One last pint and hotdog!! Smile

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We had a very nice time in Seattle. The weather was perfect, sunny and warm. Took the kids shopping, they spent their money on clothes etc. I didnt get any clothes, but I got some great ttc booty. I got digital hpt's, 7pack of brand name opk's too. I started the Clomid on Sunday. Its all done now the rest is up to my body. We are planning on doing IUI this month, but the timing is really tough with work. I hope it will happen but we shall see. Its so hard to plan IUI when your body has a mind of its own. I havn't used any opk's yet. I think I have one $tree one and i'll use that tomorrow. Then its on to the good stuff. Its very early but I'm worried the clomid will be changing my cycle to O early and I don't want to miss it.

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Today was my third day of opk testing, all negative. Still, its exciting to see two lines on a stick even if they mean negative on opks. Lol

I finally got DH to tell his boss about having to leave work sometime this week. Its hard to get people to understand without telling them the whole story. But he has it arranged, too bad he is working an hour away from our RE.

Things are good at home with DH and the kids too. Looking forward to summer.

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YES! I got a pos opk this morning!!! :blob3: :blob5: :blob6:

It started at 4am when I got up to pee and decided to piac just in case. THen after laying in bed for awhile I realized that opk's are different and I dont need fmu. Its my day off so I dozed in bed till just after 9. I made myself get up because if today was the day, i had to get a move on. So I took my test and the line came up right away. I freaked out, found the directions stuffed in a drawer and stared. "ok which line is the control line and which is the test????"

I was freaking out, tried calling dh but his cell doesnt work well at his current job. I text him and then text his co-worker to call me asap. I told him im not sure, i'm scared i'm wrong and took another test. It was pos too.
Our first appt was for 1pm, then we walked around the mall till 2:30 for my part of the appt. All went well. The nurse tried three different speculums till she could get a good view of my cervix Once she had a good view she said it was easy.

Yippee. Can't wait for this 2ww to get a move on.

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Pretty sure I o'd yesterday. My temp went up today. I'm so happy that we did all we did this month. I'm feeling really good and excited about this cycle. So is DH.

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Last night DH took me out to see Knocked Up. It was hilarious. I laughed so hard I snorted. It was well written IMO, kept you laughing every second. I got a little misty when they were shopping for baby..... Sad but I really enjoyed the movie. They could have cut the swearing in half though.

Busy weekend, it was nice.
Getting my hopes up with this cycle. Yesterday I felt "sensation" in my uterus. Like a pressure when I sit and my pants are too tight on it. Hope its baby and not fat Lol

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Yea, its my day off! I"m taking myfurbaby into the vet today for a hurt paw/leg Sad Hope it doesnt cost me a fortune. I'm having some gf's over for a bbq tonight and its sunny!!! Can't wait to make them a great dinner.

Im getting so excited about this cycle. I can't wait to test. I wish I could test now. Only a few more days. Oh that reminds me. I have to go get a blood test today to make sure I o'd after my IUI. I"m a busy girl!

I still have that pressure sensation in my uterus. Yesterday I had some heartburn too. Nothing else to report. Except I had very strange dreams again..........

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So tired today. I missed lunch and that screwed me up for the rest of the day. I didnt eat till 4 Sad but now i've had a full dinner and i feel gross. I'm just relaxing at home gonna put a movie in or tv.

WAY TMI but I had tons of cm today. Highly unusual for me.

Im getting excited. Less than a week to go till the report is in!!!! I"ll test sat am with FMU too. I kinda know what that test will say, its too early but hell thats what the tests are there for, for me to pee on!! Lol

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I tested today. BFN. I knew it would be but I was hoping for a miracle. Sad Oh well. Now i'm all mopey and its raining. GOtta get a move on though. I have some teenagers coming over to help my DSD cook a big dinner. SHould be exciting and energetic in my house soon. I feel so old it will be nice to have some young blood around.

I have one test left, not sure if I will take it, I might just wait till I see the RE on wednesday. sigh

How long is this going to take, seriously. I'm 33. I don't want to wait much longer to have a baby, I want to get preggos NOW.

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Sure enough, I took my second test on monday BFN. All spelled out in pretty letters on the digital. Ho Hum.

I'm waiting for some workers to come and put new flooring in our kitchen Smile , as soon as they get here i'm off to work for an hour and then going to my RE for my blood test results. I have hopes for this month still.

Oh right after my RE appt I"m planning on going to my company's sample sale. Either i'll be so excited and spend too much or i'll be too depressed to go since we sell baby and children's clothing.

Hope I get to shop.

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BFN. I still havn't started AF. I really thought this would be it, using clomid and IUI together how could we loose? I got really upset and realized that this journey is not getting any quicker. I'm scared to think of how far we will have to go in order to have a baby. But one step at a time. My RE said its hard but to try to be patient and at least try a few more IUI's. This month my stepkids are away so it's like a second honeymoon and we will be going away for a few days. I've decided to use clomid but not to bother with IUI. Don't want to stress with that and need a month break from that.

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oh Joy, af is here in full force. I'm actually happy since some ladies I've met on this site are having so much trouble with getting their cycles regular I feel fortunate. My gf is coming to visit with her son for a the weekend. Actually she's coming to help me at my store since i'm short staffed and its so busy. It will be fun working with her though. The last time I saw her was when I went to visit and told her i got my bfp. Sad
Gotta get my prescrip for clomid today. Tomorrow starts round 2.

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Today is day three of clomid. So far no s/e. The first cycle I had bizarre dreams and I was really hot but nothing major. Actually right now I do feel a tad warm. Maybe that was the coffee I just had Lol

DH and I are home alone again. It is so nice to enjoy each other with no family stresses. I think he is really enjoying our honeymoon time too. I'm so tired and sore from working more than usual and way more physical than normal. Only three more days till i'm off for the weekend!!! Hmmm, lets see, when will I be o'g? One more week. Oh well, we can practice Smile

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Back from camping. We decided to spontaneously drive out to the campground wed night to snatch up a spot since all that was left for the weekend was "first come" sites. Couldn't reserve a spot anywhere around here. So we drove out there with some clothes and supplies and our tent. We ended up staying the night and driving home the next morning and went to work. Then we were off for the weekend together. But all hell broke loose when one of Dh's x friends did something to really upset us. I cant talk about it but it was hurtful and I was really upset at how dh handled it. SO, there goes our freakin honeymoon weekend camping. Sat was when it hit the fan and we had been invited to a bbq back home. Long story short, we went to the bbq but had to leave early because I was getting sicker by the minute with a bad head cold. I felt like passing out. We stayed home and I had a fever. The next day we drove out to the lake back to our camp. It was cloudy so we just sat around the fire and read quietly. I wish I could have relaxed. I know my body needs it. We made up but im upset that I didnt de-stress from work and now I have to go back tomorrow for another marathon week. Oh well, c'est la vie.

SIGH

Oh and did I mention that Thursday I got a slight yeast infection? I get them maybe every 5 years. YUP, this is the week I get one.

Thank goodness i'm home, we are getting things organized for another week and then we have a nice week off together and going away.

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Don't know what to say. I just wish someone could understand what my heart is going thru. TTC for so long, having my hopes dashed is really hurting me. DH doesn't get it, its hard on our relationship. Not to mention other problems.
I feel like things are being taken away from me. Like during O time we have in the past had fights. I would bd anyways but now I dont feel like I can bd just to have a baby. I want to work things out first. BUT that means missing a month of trying. Which in turn means that our fight 'caused" us to loose another baby even though it was only a chance at a baby. I don't know if anyone can relate to this. I have read other women talk about fighing during O time, the pressure it brings on couples is very common so I know i'm not alone in that regard.

Just feeling down and my window of conceiving this month is about to close without any hopes.

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I'm feeling so much better and more relaxed. Thank goodness. I wonder if the clomid is effecting me more than i'm realizing. Not that its my fault for everything but it explains my "despair" lately. Anyways DH and I had a good talk. After my post yesterday I sent him a long email talking about my feelings and needs, then I sent a link to my journal. He read both and responded as I hoped. Things are good and we are moving forward to mending our feelings and looking ahead to a nice vacation next week. I hope it is nice and hot where we are going.

As for ttc this month, my temp was very low today but I slept with only a sheet and woke up freezing early in the morning so who knows. I'm hoping that meant I didn't O yet. Dh said he wanted to try last night to make a baby so we did. Tonight too.

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We got invited to a bbq last night. It was so nice to visit with friends and laugh out loud. Tonight we are going to an older couples' for dinner too.

Today my temp went way up so I guess O time is over. On to the 2ww now.

Im so happy that one of my ttc friends just got her bfp. I'm really happy for her, so much that i'm not sad for me. Smile IYKWIM

Hope I can join her club soon but i'm really hoping to enjoy the next week off work and honeymooning with dh. We will be touring the winerys and going to the lake next week. Can't wait.

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after going in to work for 20 min, i'm officially on VACATION!!!!!

I havn't packed a thing yet, oh well we won't need much. We are staying in a little hotel and we will have a kitchenette so we can save money cooking. The hotel has a pool and is across the street from a lake.

The stress is already coming off my shoulders. I can't wait to feel totally relaxed, so far its getting pretty good. Now if I could just talk to my little eggie that released and hopefully has a spermie in it, PLEASE IMPLANT. I"ll try to take good care of you (again).

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Hi Ladies!!! I'm back from vacation. It was nice to be away from home, no housework, just relaxing. It poured rain almost the whole time so that really "dampened" the trip. But we managed to enjoy a wine tour, went tasting to several wineries. It was a neat experience. We bought alot of bottles to cellar hopefully we will have a baby to celebrate by the time we want to open them.

My computer is a mess, won't stay on for more than 5 seconds so I'll be KUP from the library.

I'm back to work as of today. My assistant manager (the 20 year old) came in to introduce her new baby today. Noone told me she had her baby while I was gone. Actually she had the baby while I was still in town. I think the girls at work were nervous to tell me in case I got upset. That just makes it worse IMO. Like i'm not really existant, or like my struggles are not existant if we don't talk about them. SIGH

Oh well, onward and upward. I keep debating if I should get some tests, i'm thinking not to bother till i"M late. But its a hard habit to break :?

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On to Round 3 of clomid this week. Lots going on in my family. We are all doing pretty good, its finally sunny here (been an awful summer so far) and my parents came down for a visit. First thing my mom does is poke my belly "anything growing in there?" SIGH

I havn't talked about DH's problems, which could be one more thing effecting our fertility. He had his "40 yr old" physical a while back and the dr said he felt a lump on his prostate. Months later he got into a urologist who agreed and offered to check him again in 6 months or go straight to a biopsy. DH chose the biopsy. Memories are flooding back to him and he's been scared and angry. Good news is the biopsy is done and we have an appt this friday to get the results. I'm not thinking the worst, but he is, I don't blame him. If it was me i'd be thinking of the "C" word too. At least we don't have to wait long to find out.

AFter his appt and if he gets good news, he will be driving up north with my dss to paint my parents house. He's been out of work a month now and my parents need some other work done around the house. I wish my dsd would go too then i'd have the house to myself and not have to do anything. KWIM? oh well, she's 15 and i'm sure she won't want to miss any summer weekends or plans with friends. At least she's a good kid.

My dad took a look at my computer, its probably fried. He might give us his computer so we will just come to the library. Maybe it will be a good thing for me, less obsessing being away from preg.org. But I miss my girls!

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DH is back home after a week. I think the break did us good. Our first night together and he said it was like our honeymoon :oops: I agree.

He got home in time to catch our eggy, or atleast attempt to do so. I was shocked to see that yesterday I got a pos opk but today my temp jumped up! I was thinking that it wouldn't jump till tomorrow. Makes me really happy that he got home on friday.

Things are fine. I have to start being tough with myself and start eating better, making healthier choices. I've gained alot since going on clomid. I'm taking next month off for sure, try to manage my hormones a bit better.

Still no computer. Now i've been spending my time reading which is a nice change!

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