A Saffer's Journey to a First Generation Yank

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A Saffer's Journey to a First Generation Yank

My name is Roxi. I was born in South Africa and I am 30 years old.

DH and I met in November 2004 and lived together for 4 years before getting married in December 2008. I have been married to DH for 4 years. In 2008 DH's employer asked him to move to New York so he came to stay here for 3 months to get a feel for the city. Those were a tough 3 months to get through but we did it and a year later we made our way together to New York.

For me it was a scary step to take as I have never lived outside of the country. I had only ever been out of the country twice in my life before this, once only off the African continent. I had also never been in weather below -5C (23F), let alone in snow! So landing in February in NYC from mid-summer was a SHOCK to the system. But I luuuurve snowy winter time now. I don't have a drive to shovel so it's still a novelty. I don't like super-cold winters without the snow tho.

Back on topic....

So... When DH & I met, my sister was about 7 months pregnant with my niece. So we had been dating only a couple months when Sydney was born and that was when the baby-bug bit me. DH, however, was FAR from ready to even look at the topic through a telescope, let alone discuss it as a near-future action.

8 years later and we have finally, as of December 2012, embarked on our TTC journey!!

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We've had a long hard road together since before we got married.

It started with trying to get DH's mystery illness diagnosed. He had a myriad of seemingly unrelated symptoms which did not respond to any of the treatments. He had constant headaches; was exhausted all the time; he had strange tingling in his hands; I can't even remember all the symptoms he had. He saw at least 5 different doctors, a number of specialists on top of that, at least 3 different neurologists... no-one could figure out what was wrong. He had 2 MRIs, at least one CT scan, a lumbar puncture. And this was all in 2007 alone. He almost didn't make it to our own wedding because of a 2nd lumbar puncture. We finally got a diagnosis in 2010, only after we moved to the US: Chiari I Malformation. The absolute WORST part about this was that the condition was noted on his very first MRI and everyone ignored it.

We got the diagnosis but no cure. The only long-term treatment for this condition is brain surgery (which we were not ready for). He was given medication to treat the headaches but not much more. We learned to live with his condition. Last year his symptoms started to get worse and we had reached the point that we went to the neurosurgeon to consult on the procedure. At the consultation we found out that not only does he have to have brain surgery but he will need to have the first 5 vertebrae of his spine fused to the base of his skull! And as if that wasn't bad enough, they then told us that they can't do the procedures immediately because he has low bone density (ie osteoporosis).

Grief!! Do we ever get a break???

And in between all of this we were also trying to cope with my bipolar disorder.

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Fast forward to the present:

I really thought we'd caught a break this time! I got an awesome BFP on our first cycle TTC. Talk about shocked! And then it all seemed so easy: no morning sickness (even after I got to 6 weeks), my boobs weren't significantly tender (although they were growing a little). It was great. At 7 weeks we even got to see and hear the heartbeat. Doc noted that the baby was measuring smaller than 7 weeks but that's not something to worry about.

Then 2 days later I started getting back ache and cramps, just like when I'm having my period. I was nervous but tried to convince myself that I was just being a typically paranoid first-time mom-to-be. Then I started spotting. It was thick and dark and scary. Then the OB called and told me my progesterone levels had dropped and that usually means a miscarriage is on the way. He was a tad late with the warning.

It took 4 days to expel most of the fetal tissue, including the sac. I'm still bleeding but it's more like a normal period now.

I thought I was ok with it. It happened so early. And so suddenly. And the whole pregnancy up to that point had seemed a little surreal anyways. And I did feel OK about everything.

Until this morning. I woke up to grey skies and rain. And I felt depressed. I am so sad today. And as much as "sad" is such a meh word, its totally appropriate in this case. I thought I could lift the cloud off of me by doing some exercise but I ended up bursting into tears in the middle of that.

I hope it goes away. And I hope it doesn't come back. I don't like feeling depressed. Angry, irritable, frustrated, generally GRRR I can deal with. Depressed makes me want to sleep all the time.

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Day 2 of the depression

Woke up feeling blegh again today. I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep until I feel better.

Do I suggest to DH that we wait until I'm off the Lamictal? At 25mg reductions every 2 weeks that will be 12 weeks. Do I really want to do that? But how can I be sure that the Lamictal didn't cause the miscarriage?

How can I be sure of anything??

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Outlook is brighter

Today was better than Monday or Tuesday. I've been feeling almost happy; my mind is clearer. Don't know what tomorrow will bring, especially since I have pyschotherapy and this will be the first time I'm telling my therapist about the m/c. But I'm trying to not worry about tomorrow. I'm learning to live in the now most of the time. I'm finding it easier to push the "what if's" to the back of my mind, and I'm also getting better at not letting my future-planning get out of hand too early in the game.

I have days where I feel very zen about all the crap that we've had to deal with (and are still dealing with).

New, but not new, development with DH is that he has to wear a cardiac telemetry device for a few days to monitor his heart. He has a wonky heart beat, which we've known about. But now the cardiologist thinks it might be adding to the fatigue brought on by his Chiari. if they can do something about that it will make both our lives a teensy bit less frustrating because he might actually make it to work on time and then won't have to work at home after hours so often.

I stopped bleeding today. So I think the m/c is totally over now. I will take a HPT tomorrow to check. I still have my appointment with the OB on Monday, but I think I will try entice DH into some nookie tomorrow night seeing as it is V-Day.

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V-day

So the HPT today is still showing positive. I wonder how long it will take to leave my system?

V-day was nice. Nothing amazing, just a good day and then an enjoyable dinner with DH.

Oh, DH might have to have heart surgery. We'll know for sure once he's completed the cardiac telemetry data.

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Took another HPT last night and it's still registering. I had to squint, like SERIOUSLY squint, but the line is still there. It was a FRER so I think it was detecting very low levels of hcg. But it means that my body is on it's way to healing.

Do we have chance this cycle? Will it be the same as this time? If we get pregnant too soon will it increase the risk of another miscarriage?

I suppose I will need to ask the OB on Monday.

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Another bad day

Today started off not too bad. Only went to bed at 2am so it was a struggle getting up to take Crazy Dog out. Thankfully she is a very patient pup and let me sleep until 8.30am.

Things started to go downhill on our walk: we couldn't go to our usual spot because there were some guys playing soccer (and dogs aren't actually allowed on the artificial turf) so I took her to another dog run in the area. We don't usually go there because it is a really weird place: it's round, that's the first weird thing; then it's covered in pebbles which seem to make it difficult for her to walk. She was doing ok today and was happily fetching her ball. Then this poodle arrived and after it got bored with its own ball it decided to harrass Crazy Dog into playing with it. Unfortunately when Crazy Dog has her ball she is not very social. Most dogs will leave her alone after she snaps at them but this dog didn't. It started to nip at her hind quarters and if she hadn't been wearing her big and loose snow jacket it would have actually bit her!! And then to make matters worse it wouldn't leave her alone even after I scooped her up in my arms.

I'm relieved she wasn't hurt. But it made me feel like an incompetent care-giver Sad This isn't the first time a bigger dog has attacked her, and it always happens when I take her out. The more logical part of me says it happens to me because I take her out for walks 90% of the time, but it still knocks my ego. It makes me doubt if I can be a good and attentive mom.

And then I got home and slowly the depression set in and the tears keep coming. They stop for a little while and then just start up again. Stupid things keep going thru my mind, I don't really believe they're the reason for the tears but I think they were the catalysts this time. I keep thinking how unfair it is that DH wouldn't go out and get me a bacon and egg croissant this morning even though I do nearly every other weekend; and I keep thinking that he never buys me flowers, not even after the m/c; and I keep thinking that I want to tell my mom and sister about the m/c because I know I don't sound ok to them but I also don't see what good it will do them, it will only make them sad.

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Saw the OB yesterday for my post-m/c checkup. Everything is gone, so no D&C needed. YAY. Also he said everything looks good so no (obvious/visible) issues with my uterus. And he gave us the green light. Blush we'd already started having sex soon after I stopped bleeding. I figured it couldn't hurt seeing as he didn't say not to when I spoke to him at the start of the m/c.

I don't want to but I can't help have a little hope for this cycle. I don't know what my cycle is going to be like, and I haven't tried using OPK's yet (even though I bought some). I don't want to chart or temp or use the OPK's until we've been trying at least 6 months. DH needs this to be fun and as stress-free as possible. And so do I. And we are having fun Smile

I told my SIL about the m/c today. It just felt right to tell her. I hope I didn't upset her. She seems to end up crying at the things I say or do even if they were meant to be nice things. Like when we sent a wedding message to some friends because we couldn't make it home for the wedding. Or the birthday cards I sent to her and little Caitie. She seemed more concerned about me in the texts, but you never know... It just felt like the right thing to do. I still haven't told my mom or sister. There hasn't been a moment with them that it felt right to. And I know it will just make them super-sad and I don't want to do that.

I think I'm OK now. I'm just eager to have a normal cycle so that there is a better chance of catching the eggie. D'oh! I used a wondfo HPT tonight to see if my hcG levels are coming down and only realised now (an hour later) that I hadn't checked the result. It looks like it's still registering + but that could also be an evap line. I've never seen an evap line. Will test again in a couple days.

In other news: DH and I have been laughing a lot together. We went thru a big patch where we didn't. It feels good. Things are so much better between us since we got our furbaby Crazy Dog.

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Saw the psych yesterday and my Lamictal dose is now down to 125mg. Smile Hopefully I will be down to 100mg or less by the time we conceive another little bump.

Quiet and cold day on the East Coast, otherwise.

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Blegh! I've been under the weather for 2 days now. Sleeping 18 hours a day. I don't really think we have any hope for this cycle but I can't help but keep a teeny spark alive. If my cycle hasn't gone totally out of whack then I should've O'd yesterday. Didn't feel anything but that doesn't mean much considering I've slept the last 2 days away.

I'm still wondering if I should tell my mom and sis about the m/c. I'm thinking about it less lately.

My Lamictal dose is down to 125mg. I feel like I have a chance at getting off the meds entirely. But I feel guilty because I don't think my sister ever will. And how can I tell her about my little victories when she has been struggling for so many years just to gain a shred of control? She will just turn around and tell me that I "never really had bipolar" but that's not true. Sometimes I feel like she doesn't try hard enough to control it. But that's unfair too. I suppose some people have the disease/disorder to a lesser degree than others and then it can be controlled by diet and exercise. Like my mom's diabetes vs my friend's dad's. My mom's is totally out of control, she's been in hospital multiple times because of it, but he managed to get off his medication and control the sugar levels with just his diet.

I hope she (my sis) won't resent me for it when I do manage to get off the medication entirely. I also wish she would keep my nephew off all the medication. First he was diagnosed with ADHD at age 7, now they're saying he's developing pre-adolescent bipolar. I feel she's not giving him enough attention, but I suppose she can barely deal with her own issues. Do I really have any room to say anything, seeing as I don't have kids yet....

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I wish my cycle would just hurry up and end now. I just need to know that everything is back to normal because until then I'm going to keep hoping for this cycle. I'm also scared of getting pg immediately. What happens if I get pg every time and m/c every time? How many times can I... can we handle that?

Do I start using OPKs? Do I keep tell DH?

These are the thoughts running through my head this weekend.

Also tomorrow is my good friend V's baby shower and I'm not sure how it's going to affect me. I hope it doesn't... or at least not until we get home.

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Thank You for Reading - 100 views

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who's been reading my journey.

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:woohoo: got thru the baby shower with no ill-will at all! Was lots of fun actually Smile

Beautiful sunset tonight. Unfortunately we're going to miss the Oscars as we don't have any TV channels but DH will be following it online. We still have to get thru a bunch of the award-winning movies from the last few years We actually have Milk on Blu-ray from Netflix sitting on our counter for 3 weeks now. Just never seem to get round to watching it.

I really need to find the motivation to start studying! My exams are in 12 weeks, I have 3 to write and I haven't cracked a book :eek:

I'm going back to the dermatologist tomorrow. My scar is hurting and it doesn't feel right. When I told DH, he cracked "so that must mean He Who Must Not Be Named is near!" ROFL

I love that we're laughing so much together. It makes us feel so close.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

:biglaugh: Crazy Dog won't eat unless I hand-feed her :biglaugh:

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Last couple days have been dark for me. I'm not coping too well with the new dosage of my medication. My head is fuzzy; my temper is simmering. I can't fully focus on work. I feel "itchy": in my head and in my skin. I feel like I need to do be doing something but I don't have the energy. I can barely concentrate enough to write this entry. I just feel so "grrrrrrr".

I really hope this doesn't last much longer. I'm not too keen to face defeat against the medication. But I don't want to go back to being the Psycho B**** that I was before.

I did a bit of online shopping the last few days. I'm on a mission to get our apartment (that we've been living in for 4 years) looking less like we've just moved in. We still have only 2 pictures on the walls; none of our mirrors ever got mounted so they keep breaking. I've been feeling rather claustrophobic in our little 1-bed apartment, especially considering we're planning to bring another little personality into it. I want to get things tidied away and stored properly, and have it be that way every day! Every time I look at the apartment and realise it needs to be tidied up again I hear Mr Incredible in my head and then my next thought is "I've turned into my mum" Blum 3

I've been missing my old house (back in South Africa) a lot since we started TTC. I thought it was so little when we were there but now it seems perfect, if only it were here. 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, living/dining room, kitchen, plus a little garden & patio...

Argh, I don't know what I'm even talking about right now.

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Ahhh, finally my mind feels clearer.

This week has been an emotional downward spiral for me. Felt like I was being sucked down into a fuzzy, black hole but thankfully I managed to pull myself out of it. I hope this was just the adjustment period to my new medication dose, and not an indication that the dose is too low and that I can't handle it.

Last night a friend put us on the guest list for a private event with OneRepublic. It was fantastic! Got to sleep at 3am! Then, unfortunately, Crazy Dog decided to wake me up at 7am. Got an extra hour sleep after we got back from the park. Now I'm on a mission in the apartment.

This week I've been doing online shopping for stuff to organise the apartment better. So my mission this weekend is to get all the photo frames up on the walls (we've had them for 3 years) which should then push us to choose photos for them. I just receved my Photo Canvases today so I will put those up on the wall. I also got a stand thingy to organise the stuff under the kitchen sink, so I'll install that.

Mission, mission, mission Smile

I know this is partly study avoidance and partly early nesting. I'm not even preggo but I'm on a mission to make space for the bump now. Just thinking about having another personality in this teeny apartment makes me claustrophobic....

This coming week is going to be dedicated to finding a fragrance to get DH for his birthday. He is so difficult to buy for: either he gets what he wants when he wants it, or we don't agree on taste Beee Hopefully I am successful this birthday. The last few years have been fails. Last year I didn't even bother trying to find anything. The year before I ordered him a remote controlled airplane but the supplier told me they were out a week before his birthday. At the very least he will get to have a really awesome dinner at Eleven Madison Park

Off to start on my missioning :D:D

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I think I've been running on a bit of manic episode these last few days. And obviously the lack of sleep did not help anything. On the positive side I did get a TON of stuff done this weekend. Except for any studying, that is.

So far none of these entries are very TTC related but so far our journey hasn't been very TTC either. Hopefully in 5 days Aunt Flo will arrive and then a week later we can start our journey again. I wish I could kill the teeny little flame of hope that keeps flickering every time I think of AF arriving. I can't help hoping that we got lucky again and that even though this wasn't a "real" cycle we caught the eggie anyways. Maybe I should just POAS to ease my mind. I would be 11DPO now if it were a normal cycle so it would be possible to read a BFP but then again if it's a BFN then I"m not going to believe it anyways. Yes, I think that's what I'll do.

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Stark, blazing BFN. I'm not disappointed or surprised. At least I now have confirmation that my hormones are back to normal and that I should be able to ovulate fine next cycle, barring other complications. Now I just have to wait for AF to come knocking.

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I have had to start serious exercising again because I'm struggling to cope with the low dose of medication. DH told me he has noticed that I am much more argumentative, I disagree with nearly everything he says lately (even if I don't need to). I can also feel that the smallest things are getting on my nerves. I just want to be left alone! But at the same time I don't... I can't really sit still. I'm constantly shifting my position, or bouncing my legs. I can't stand still. ARGH! I hate feeling like this. It has been over a year since I last felt like this. I just hope that this last year has given me the coping tools to deal with these moods/emotions without the medication. At least I can now see that the medication was doing quite a bit for me. I have had to take ZZZ-quil 2 nights in a row and I can feel that I will need to take it again tonight otherwise I won't be able to sleep.

I really hope I can get this episode under control. I'm seeing the psych on the 18th and I need to be getting it under control otherwise he will want to up the dose again. I would rather hang around on 125 mg/day for a few more weeks to give it the best shot I can to learn to deal with the emotional overload that I get into.

Other than that, AF has not arrived yet, nor has she given any indication that she's on her way so I may be in for a 6 week cycle like some of the other ladies said they had.

Nighty-night!

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So it's been a few days since I posted anything here. It's been a rough week. My moods have been grrrr, my nerves raw, my mind in a fog. For most people "seeing red" when they get angry is a metaphor... for me it's a reality. And this week has felt like the precursor to that stage: I think only someone who is near-sighted and wears eye glasses can sort of understand what I mean when I say I feel itchy behind my eyes, and inside my head. It's the closest description I can come up with as to how I feel when one of my "moods" are coming on. And once that "itch" sets in then I find it very difficult (almost impossible) to understand/follow what someone is telling me if it at all disagrees with what I believe/feel at that moment. And then I SNAP! I snapped at my therapist on Thursday. But I'm glad it was her and not DH because he has enough of his own stressors without having to deal with my craziness.

Today was ok. I work from home on Fridays so I didn't have to deal with anyone except via instant messaging and email. Plus my mind doesn't feel itchy so I'm hoping that means I'm passed the worst of the adjustment period and that by exercising at least 3 times a week I can control this. I'm still worried about when I have to knuckle down and start studying (ie next week) because I get really stressed when I'm studying. I just feel like I can't cope with work AND studying AND housekeeping.... and now we have the dog....

Calm. Breathe. Focus on something calming.

I need to learn to not allow my mind to get so wrapped up in the worries and get all overwhelmed. I know how to alleviate some of the stress. DH has already agreed to let me hire some domestic help, it will only be once every 2 weeks but at least its some help. The rest is up to me to time manage. You'd think I'd have a better grasp of managing my time while studying considering I've been working on this undergrad degree for 6 years... I just lost most of my momentum and motivation after we moved to the States. But I am 4 classes away from graduating so I MUST PERSEVERE!!

AF is now 1 day late based on my previous cycles.... I wonder how long its going be.... I want to get started with TTC again (not that we stopped BD-ing)

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Today was really good! I went to the park with Crazy Dog and then we had mid-morning nookie. And my mood has been really calm. My mind is calm and clear. No iritability. We managed to cross a few more things off of our long-standing to-do list: we took the small change that we have been collecting for 3 years up to TD Bank and put it into the Penny BAnk... $200-odd!! And I sewed DH a swimming cap out of stretch cotton so that he can start doing light exercise in the pool at the Y. Feeling very proud of myself Smile

YAY!

Tomorrow is DH's birthday and for the first time in 3 years I actually have plans and a couple birthday presents. I only hope tomorrow goes as calmly as today did. I always seem to lose it on special occasions and then everything is ruined.

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Had a sad moment this morning just before DH's folks skyped us... we were going to announce the pregnancy today on DH's birthday Sad I suppose I will keep noticing these milestones until we get preggos again.

Thankfully it was just a passing moment and has not impacted the mood of DH's birthday Smile

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Oh-Em-Gee!! I am stuffed beyond belief! Dinner at Eleven Madison Park was PHENOMENAL!

15 courses. ooof!

I hope DH really did enjoy it because right now he looks a bit miserable from the richness of the food. His stomach doth protest. I've made myself some ginger tea and i'm now settling in to watch Love Actually for the gazillionth time. It's my "chill out" go-to movie.

Urgh, tomorrow I have to start studying. Urgh.

Night-night.

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It's been a busy while, hence the silence. Weekend in Vegas was ok. I'm glad we went but I wouldn't go back again. I'm not a drinker nor a gambler so there wasn't much to do.

I've started studying. And I'm exercising regularly again. Even both at the same time Wink Keeps me awake while I'm studying. But my head is starting to feel a little clearer. Still struggling on this low dose. The Psych says he's going to keep me on this dose until after my exams so that I don't risk any further issues readjusting. I'm happy with that arrangement because I really need time to adjust. I also don't want have to increase the dose again... Sad

I started charting using OPKs as of Tuesday. I'm on CD8 so it's no surprise that they're negative so far. I have no idea what my cycle is going to be like this time, but if it goes back to the usual 29 days then I should O around CD15. I hope this is the month!

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So. I'm on CD14 and still no flashing smiley face on the OPKs Sad

Looks like this really is going to be a 36 day cycle... that is going to suck. How is this going to affect our chances? I don't know anything right now.

And my studying is not going anywhere. I have like 9 weeks left and still don't know anything!!! But I can't seem to motivate myself to concentrate. I'm not interested in studying anymore. It's been 6 years and now I'm 4 classes away from graduating. I was going to finish them all by June but now I have to do one...ONE!!... in October because it's been scheduled on Memorial Day.

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

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So. I'm on CD14 and still no flashing smiley face on the OPKs Sad

Looks like this really is going to be a 36 day cycle... that is going to suck. How is this going to affect our chances? I don't know anything right now.

And my studying is not going anywhere. I have like 9 weeks left and still don't know anything!!! But I can't seem to motivate myself to concentrate. I'm not interested in studying anymore. It's been 6 years and now I'm 4 classes away from graduating. I was going to finish them all by June but now I have to do one...ONE!!... in October because it's been scheduled on Memorial Day.

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

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Got my smiley face on the OPK on Friday!! I was very confused because I was expecting at least 2 flashing smiley faces first but it turns out I have a different version of the OPK. Mine is not that advanced. So according to that yesterday and today are the Peak Fertility days and I should O today. I think I O'd on tho. I had all the "usual" symptoms but i don't know if any thing is "usual" any more. We dtd'd on Thursday and last night and i will instigate later today again so i should be covered.

Hold thumbs!

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So the OPK gave me smiley faces on CD16-CD19. We dtd'd most of that time so I think we're as covered as we could possibly be this month. Now I'm in the 2WW (or 3WW if you believe my cycle calculator) and I'm already dying to POAS. I'm only 4dpo so it would be a HUGE waste of a test but.....

I really don't think I can hold out until the end of the month tho. I was planning to hold out until 1 week after when my cycle calculator says AF should arrive (which is 4/19). But I really don't think I can last that long. But at the same time I don't know if I want to test early and run the risk of a CP.... or even test on the first "missed" day because that would put me at 4 weeks and I'm not planning to go to the OB until at least 6. I kind of want to wait until 6 weeks to test because then I won't have so long to get "attached" in case anything bad happens again.

But I KNOW I shouldn't think like that. I should be positive. And deal with things as they happen instead of preempting them.

I know all this, but that doesn't quiet the voice.

In other news: still barely motivated to study but at least I am half way thru the first pass on the material. My furbaby ate my jeans on Saturday, ate a bunch of sticks on Monday, threw up the sticks on Monday and has been not-so-happy since. HOwever she is Lurrrrving the diet of boiled chicken and rice that she's getting because she was sick Blum 3

Nighty-night, don't let the bed bugs bite.

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So I caved an POAS'd. BFN. Not surprised but now maybe I can wait until at least 10dpo.

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*sigh*

I just found out that my DH's best friend, over in the UK, is expecting their 2nd.... In September.... same as we would've. And I burst into tears. Why does this one hit me so hard? When they announced they were expecting #1 I was totally blind-sided and had a really bad couple days after that. But at the time I was struggling with the baby-fever and the fact that we weren't TTCing and my BPD. And they were gearing up for their wedding so they were totally off my radar of potential-preggers. So why would them having #2 upset me so much??

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My imagination is definitely running wild today. I've been feeling a little nauseous today and OBVIOUSLY I start to fantasize that I O'd earlier than calculated and that I'm already pregnant. Stupid thing is that I would still be too early on to be having morning sickness.

Although this time I will welcome morning sickness from the get-go because apparently it means the hormones are really high and that is good for the pregnancy.

I am SO anxious to be able to test reliably.

DH and I had a tiff last night. I was upset because of seemed to me like he was minimizing the sadness I felt when I found out about A&K's new LO that is due in September. He says he was just busy at work and that I was in a foul mood when he got home so he wasn't about to try comfort me. He (still) doesn't understand that the mood is often because I need the comfort but havent got it.

It doesn't bother me much now that I'm over the shock. But I do suddenly feel like I want to tell my sister about the m/c. Probably not a good idea tho.

BokkieNYC's picture
Joined: 08/15/11
Posts: 1106

Had an off weekend. The whole "friends being due in September" thing threw me for a bit of a loop. Now I'm more anxious to get pregnant then ever. So tired of having everyone else get to announce this wonderful thing. Especially the people who haven't been married long, or aren't even married yet. It's dumb but even though its not taboo to be unmarried parents I feel like I should get to be a parent first because I did it the "right" way.

I don't know what I will do if my SIL says she's preggo again.

I caved and tested again this morning. Only 7dpo but I'm obsessed, addicted and desperate. I *think* i saw a line. And I can almost NEVER see the squinters. I doubt it was an evap line because it was within about 6 min. I am going to play with the picture tonight and then upload it to DYSAL. But I will try not to put too much hope on it at least until the 19th.

BokkieNYC's picture
Joined: 08/15/11
Posts: 1106

"Hi. My name is Roxi and I'm a POAS/PIAC addict." chorus: Hi Roxi

Yup I've become addicted. It is now a compulsion to pee in a cup and test something every morning. I did another HPT this morning but I think it was faulty. Just got a pink stripe running the length of the strip instead of horizontal like the control line.

And I have been on the verge of tears all day. I know as soon as DH gets home and I have to turn the rock music off I will break down again. As I type I can feel the tears pricking my eyes. I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe I will have enough will power to not test tomorrow.

BokkieNYC's picture
Joined: 08/15/11
Posts: 1106

I tested again this morning. I still don't see the lines but other ladies on the forum say they see something. I bought a FRER on my way home. Then saw that I already had one in the bathroom. Anways I am going to test with the FRER tomorrow which will be 10dpo. I am hoping yet not hoping or a clearer positive. I want it because I want it. But I don't because I don't know if I want to know this early. I'm worried about about having a chemical pregnancy. And I'm obviously worried about another miscarriage. Also I don't know when I should tell DH. Not tomorrow if it's a BFP. I will wait at least another week before telling him. He doesn't need to know about chemical pregnancies.

I don't want to hope. So I will just try to wait.

BokkieNYC's picture
Joined: 08/15/11
Posts: 1106

I tested again yesterday (4/11) and today (4/12) and I could see the lines without needing to squint. So I would say it's official that I'm pregnant again!! I'm feeling good about it. A little apprehensive but I suppose that's understandable. I'm relieved to know that my endometriosis is not interfering like it did for my friend. That has been one of my fears before we started TTC.... that I wouldn't be able to get pg. I always had this weird feeling that because my sister seemed to get pg just by being in the same room as a male and she's never done anything the "right" way then it would be doubly hard for me. Like the universe would make me pay the price for her easy journey. Not that her journey has been easy. She has suffered a lot with her bipolar disorder and the myriad of other issues she has. But I just always felt like that's the way it would be. And I seem to be half right. At least we now know we're fertile enough to get pg basically twice in a row. Now I just hope this bean sticks. I also seem to have a great fear that this time will be a CP.

I haven't told DH yet. I was planning to hold out another week because with my cycle not being 100% normal yet I don't know when AF is really due. Based on my normal cycle prior to the m/c it would've been today (a no-show). Based on my cycle tracker and the cycle between the m/c & the first normal period then AF is only due on the 19th. But then I caved and told my BFF and now i want to tell DH. So I pee'd on a digi test only to find out that I screwed that one up royally because I did not RTFM. So now I'm going to wait until tomorrow's FMU.

Here's to a HH9M... I'll take a HH8W at this stage tho.

BokkieNYC's picture
Joined: 08/15/11
Posts: 1106

So it's been about a week since I last posted something. Not much to say, really. Now that I have the BFP I suppose my TTC journey is at an end.... but I'm not going to write "The End" just yet.

I need to wait until we pass 8 weeks with a heartbeat. I'm still scared of another miscarriage. At least I've passed the point where this could be considered a chemical pregnancy. But I still have to wait another week before I see the OB to see if the measurements match the GA based on LMP.... I hope they do. I also haven't had any blood tests done yet so I don't know what my beta levels are. Maybe I should've gone for just the blood tests.... too late now I suppose. The OB didn't say I was supposed to do that. He didn't actually tell me to do anything differently after the miscarriage.

So now it's a waiting game, i suppose.

BokkieNYC's picture
Joined: 08/15/11
Posts: 1106

So it's been a long while since I last posted something.

I'm currently 6w5d and things are going well. I'm nauseous all the time, my boobs are sore, I'm bloated, I'm constantly hungry and I have no sex drive but it's all good! I will happily take all of that just to know that this is different this time.

Saw the doc yesterday. He said everything looks fine but that's what he said last time and then everything went to hell 2 days later. I can't help but remain anxious until I see him again in 2 weeks and make sure the baby is growing correctly. Measured at 6w/6w1d which is close enough.

BokkieNYC's picture
Joined: 08/15/11
Posts: 1106

Feeling crappy today. Started getting crampy feelings this afternoon and it has me freaked out. No spotting and no major lower back aches, but still makes me nervous considering today is 2 days after the first time we saw the heartbeat. That's when things went bad last time. Never mind that I'm a week earlier than I was previously. It's all about correlations....

Tomorrow is 7 weeks. If we can get to 8 weeks with a sticky bean then I think I will start to relax.

This anxiety is not helping me study. I can't focus, I just want to go to sleep. My favourite coping mechanism: sleep until the problem goes away.

BokkieNYC's picture
Joined: 08/15/11
Posts: 1106

Crampy feeling has eased somewhat. A lot of the ladies on my BB say it's pretty normal as long as there's no bleeding. Which there isn't, thankfully.

Woke up feeling great today. Minimal nausea, not too crampy, even boobs are feeling fine Smile

So today we are 7w1d!! Passed the first milestone!! Now to make it to 8 weeks and then thru the next appointment. Everything is so different, I wish I could stop feeling like I have a guillotine over my neck, waiting for it to drop.

Will I stop worrying even after we pass 8 weeks??

BokkieNYC's picture
Joined: 08/15/11
Posts: 1106

:woohoo:

8 weeks today! Now I'm into new territory and it feels GREAT! So excited about the pregnancy now.

Looking forward to the appointment on Monday.

BokkieNYC's picture
Joined: 08/15/11
Posts: 1106

Squishy is now at 9w2d and we're going to tell the families next weekend.

So I guess I should close this journal out and start the pregnancy one in stead Smile

Catch me at "Growing a First Generation Yank"