My name is Roxi. I was born in South Africa and I am 30 years old.
DH and I met in November 2004 and lived together for 4 years before getting married in December 2008. I have been married to DH for 4 years. In 2008 DH's employer asked him to move to New York so he came to stay here for 3 months to get a feel for the city. Those were a tough 3 months to get through but we did it and a year later we made our way together to New York.
For me it was a scary step to take as I have never lived outside of the country. I had only ever been out of the country twice in my life before this, once only off the African continent. I had also never been in weather below -5C (23F), let alone in snow! So landing in February in NYC from mid-summer was a SHOCK to the system. But I luuuurve snowy winter time now. I don't have a drive to shovel so it's still a novelty. I don't like super-cold winters without the snow tho.
Back on topic....
So... When DH & I met, my sister was about 7 months pregnant with my niece. So we had been dating only a couple months when Sydney was born and that was when the baby-bug bit me. DH, however, was FAR from ready to even look at the topic through a telescope, let alone discuss it as a near-future action.
8 years later and we have finally, as of December 2012, embarked on our TTC journey!!
We've had a long hard road together since before we got married.
It started with trying to get DH's mystery illness diagnosed. He had a myriad of seemingly unrelated symptoms which did not respond to any of the treatments. He had constant headaches; was exhausted all the time; he had strange tingling in his hands; I can't even remember all the symptoms he had. He saw at least 5 different doctors, a number of specialists on top of that, at least 3 different neurologists... no-one could figure out what was wrong. He had 2 MRIs, at least one CT scan, a lumbar puncture. And this was all in 2007 alone. He almost didn't make it to our own wedding because of a 2nd lumbar puncture. We finally got a diagnosis in 2010, only after we moved to the US: Chiari I Malformation. The absolute WORST part about this was that the condition was noted on his very first MRI and everyone ignored it.
We got the diagnosis but no cure. The only long-term treatment for this condition is brain surgery (which we were not ready for). He was given medication to treat the headaches but not much more. We learned to live with his condition. Last year his symptoms started to get worse and we had reached the point that we went to the neurosurgeon to consult on the procedure. At the consultation we found out that not only does he have to have brain surgery but he will need to have the first 5 vertebrae of his spine fused to the base of his skull! And as if that wasn't bad enough, they then told us that they can't do the procedures immediately because he has low bone density (ie osteoporosis).
Grief!! Do we ever get a break???
And in between all of this we were also trying to cope with my bipolar disorder.
I really thought we'd caught a break this time! I got an awesome BFP on our first cycle TTC. Talk about shocked! And then it all seemed so easy: no morning sickness (even after I got to 6 weeks), my boobs weren't significantly tender (although they were growing a little). It was great. At 7 weeks we even got to see and hear the heartbeat. Doc noted that the baby was measuring smaller than 7 weeks but that's not something to worry about.
Then 2 days later I started getting back ache and cramps, just like when I'm having my period. I was nervous but tried to convince myself that I was just being a typically paranoid first-time mom-to-be. Then I started spotting. It was thick and dark and scary. Then the OB called and told me my progesterone levels had dropped and that usually means a miscarriage is on the way. He was a tad late with the warning.
It took 4 days to expel most of the fetal tissue, including the sac. I'm still bleeding but it's more like a normal period now.
I thought I was ok with it. It happened so early. And so suddenly. And the whole pregnancy up to that point had seemed a little surreal anyways. And I did feel OK about everything.
Until this morning. I woke up to grey skies and rain. And I felt depressed. I am so sad today. And as much as "sad" is such a meh word, its totally appropriate in this case. I thought I could lift the cloud off of me by doing some exercise but I ended up bursting into tears in the middle of that.
I hope it goes away. And I hope it doesn't come back. I don't like feeling depressed. Angry, irritable, frustrated, generally GRRR I can deal with. Depressed makes me want to sleep all the time.
Woke up feeling blegh again today. I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep until I feel better.
Do I suggest to DH that we wait until I'm off the Lamictal? At 25mg reductions every 2 weeks that will be 12 weeks. Do I really want to do that? But how can I be sure that the Lamictal didn't cause the miscarriage?
Today was better than Monday or Tuesday. I've been feeling almost happy; my mind is clearer. Don't know what tomorrow will bring, especially since I have pyschotherapy and this will be the first time I'm telling my therapist about the m/c. But I'm trying to not worry about tomorrow. I'm learning to live in the now most of the time. I'm finding it easier to push the "what if's" to the back of my mind, and I'm also getting better at not letting my future-planning get out of hand too early in the game.
I have days where I feel very zen about all the crap that we've had to deal with (and are still dealing with).
New, but not new, development with DH is that he has to wear a cardiac telemetry device for a few days to monitor his heart. He has a wonky heart beat, which we've known about. But now the cardiologist thinks it might be adding to the fatigue brought on by his Chiari. if they can do something about that it will make both our lives a teensy bit less frustrating because he might actually make it to work on time and then won't have to work at home after hours so often.
I stopped bleeding today. So I think the m/c is totally over now. I will take a HPT tomorrow to check. I still have my appointment with the OB on Monday, but I think I will try entice DH into some nookie tomorrow night seeing as it is V-Day.
Took another HPT last night and it's still registering. I had to squint, like SERIOUSLY squint, but the line is still there. It was a FRER so I think it was detecting very low levels of hcg. But it means that my body is on it's way to healing.
Do we have chance this cycle? Will it be the same as this time? If we get pregnant too soon will it increase the risk of another miscarriage?
Today started off not too bad. Only went to bed at 2am so it was a struggle getting up to take Crazy Dog out. Thankfully she is a very patient pup and let me sleep until 8.30am.
Things started to go downhill on our walk: we couldn't go to our usual spot because there were some guys playing soccer (and dogs aren't actually allowed on the artificial turf) so I took her to another dog run in the area. We don't usually go there because it is a really weird place: it's round, that's the first weird thing; then it's covered in pebbles which seem to make it difficult for her to walk. She was doing ok today and was happily fetching her ball. Then this poodle arrived and after it got bored with its own ball it decided to harrass Crazy Dog into playing with it. Unfortunately when Crazy Dog has her ball she is not very social. Most dogs will leave her alone after she snaps at them but this dog didn't. It started to nip at her hind quarters and if she hadn't been wearing her big and loose snow jacket it would have actually bit her!! And then to make matters worse it wouldn't leave her alone even after I scooped her up in my arms.
I'm relieved she wasn't hurt. But it made me feel like an incompetent care-giver This isn't the first time a bigger dog has attacked her, and it always happens when I take her out. The more logical part of me says it happens to me because I take her out for walks 90% of the time, but it still knocks my ego. It makes me doubt if I can be a good and attentive mom.
And then I got home and slowly the depression set in and the tears keep coming. They stop for a little while and then just start up again. Stupid things keep going thru my mind, I don't really believe they're the reason for the tears but I think they were the catalysts this time. I keep thinking how unfair it is that DH wouldn't go out and get me a bacon and egg croissant this morning even though I do nearly every other weekend; and I keep thinking that he never buys me flowers, not even after the m/c; and I keep thinking that I want to tell my mom and sister about the m/c because I know I don't sound ok to them but I also don't see what good it will do them, it will only make them sad.
Saw the OB yesterday for my post-m/c checkup. Everything is gone, so no D&C needed. YAY. Also he said everything looks good so no (obvious/visible) issues with my uterus. And he gave us the green light. *blush* we'd already started having sex soon after I stopped bleeding. I figured it couldn't hurt seeing as he didn't say not to when I spoke to him at the start of the m/c.
I don't want to but I can't help have a little hope for this cycle. I don't know what my cycle is going to be like, and I haven't tried using OPK's yet (even though I bought some). I don't want to chart or temp or use the OPK's until we've been trying at least 6 months. DH needs this to be fun and as stress-free as possible. And so do I. And we are having fun
I told my SIL about the m/c today. It just felt right to tell her. I hope I didn't upset her. She seems to end up crying at the things I say or do even if they were meant to be nice things. Like when we sent a wedding message to some friends because we couldn't make it home for the wedding. Or the birthday cards I sent to her and little Caitie. She seemed more concerned about me in the texts, but you never know... It just felt like the right thing to do. I still haven't told my mom or sister. There hasn't been a moment with them that it felt right to. And I know it will just make them super-sad and I don't want to do that.
I think I'm OK now. I'm just eager to have a normal cycle so that there is a better chance of catching the eggie. D'oh! I used a wondfo HPT tonight to see if my hcG levels are coming down and only realised now (an hour later) that I hadn't checked the result. It looks like it's still registering + but that could also be an evap line. I've never seen an evap line. Will test again in a couple days.
In other news: DH and I have been laughing a lot together. We went thru a big patch where we didn't. It feels good. Things are so much better between us since we got our furbaby Crazy Dog.