Blegh! I've been under the weather for 2 days now. Sleeping 18 hours a day. I don't really think we have any hope for this cycle but I can't help but keep a teeny spark alive. If my cycle hasn't gone totally out of whack then I should've O'd yesterday. Didn't feel anything but that doesn't mean much considering I've slept the last 2 days away.
I'm still wondering if I should tell my mom and sis about the m/c. I'm thinking about it less lately.
My Lamictal dose is down to 125mg. I feel like I have a chance at getting off the meds entirely. But I feel guilty because I don't think my sister ever will. And how can I tell her about my little victories when she has been struggling for so many years just to gain a shred of control? She will just turn around and tell me that I "never really had bipolar" but that's not true. Sometimes I feel like she doesn't try hard enough to control it. But that's unfair too. I suppose some people have the disease/disorder to a lesser degree than others and then it can be controlled by diet and exercise. Like my mom's diabetes vs my friend's dad's. My mom's is totally out of control, she's been in hospital multiple times because of it, but he managed to get off his medication and control the sugar levels with just his diet.
I hope she (my sis) won't resent me for it when I do manage to get off the medication entirely. I also wish she would keep my nephew off all the medication. First he was diagnosed with ADHD at age 7, now they're saying he's developing pre-adolescent bipolar. I feel she's not giving him enough attention, but I suppose she can barely deal with her own issues. Do I really have any room to say anything, seeing as I don't have kids yet....
I wish my cycle would just hurry up and end now. I just need to know that everything is back to normal because until then I'm going to keep hoping for this cycle. I'm also scared of getting pg immediately. What happens if I get pg every time and m/c every time? How many times can I... can we handle that?
Do I start using OPKs? Do I keep tell DH?
These are the thoughts running through my head this weekend.
Also tomorrow is my good friend V's baby shower and I'm not sure how it's going to affect me. I hope it doesn't... or at least not until we get home.
got thru the baby shower with no ill-will at all! Was lots of fun actually
Beautiful sunset tonight. Unfortunately we're going to miss the Oscars as we don't have any TV channels but DH will be following it online. We still have to get thru a bunch of the award-winning movies from the last few years We actually have Milk on Blu-ray from Netflix sitting on our counter for 3 weeks now. Just never seem to get round to watching it.
I really need to find the motivation to start studying! My exams are in 12 weeks, I have 3 to write and I haven't cracked a book
I'm going back to the dermatologist tomorrow. My scar is hurting and it doesn't feel right. When I told DH, he cracked "so that must mean He Who Must Not Be Named is near!"
I love that we're laughing so much together. It makes us feel so close.
Last couple days have been dark for me. I'm not coping too well with the new dosage of my medication. My head is fuzzy; my temper is simmering. I can't fully focus on work. I feel "itchy": in my head and in my skin. I feel like I need to do be doing something but I don't have the energy. I can barely concentrate enough to write this entry. I just feel so "grrrrrrr".
I really hope this doesn't last much longer. I'm not too keen to face defeat against the medication. But I don't want to go back to being the Psycho B**** that I was before.
I did a bit of online shopping the last few days. I'm on a mission to get our apartment (that we've been living in for 4 years) looking less like we've just moved in. We still have only 2 pictures on the walls; none of our mirrors ever got mounted so they keep breaking. I've been feeling rather claustrophobic in our little 1-bed apartment, especially considering we're planning to bring another little personality into it. I want to get things tidied away and stored properly, and have it be that way every day! Every time I look at the apartment and realise it needs to be tidied up again I hear Mr Incredible in my head and then my next thought is "I've turned into my mum"
I've been missing my old house (back in South Africa) a lot since we started TTC. I thought it was so little when we were there but now it seems perfect, if only it were here. 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, living/dining room, kitchen, plus a little garden & patio...
Argh, I don't know what I'm even talking about right now.
This week has been an emotional downward spiral for me. Felt like I was being sucked down into a fuzzy, black hole but thankfully I managed to pull myself out of it. I hope this was just the adjustment period to my new medication dose, and not an indication that the dose is too low and that I can't handle it.
Last night a friend put us on the guest list for a private event with OneRepublic. It was fantastic! Got to sleep at 3am! Then, unfortunately, Crazy Dog decided to wake me up at 7am. Got an extra hour sleep after we got back from the park. Now I'm on a mission in the apartment.
This week I've been doing online shopping for stuff to organise the apartment better. So my mission this weekend is to get all the photo frames up on the walls (we've had them for 3 years) which should then push us to choose photos for them. I just receved my Photo Canvases today so I will put those up on the wall. I also got a stand thingy to organise the stuff under the kitchen sink, so I'll install that.
Mission, mission, mission
I know this is partly study avoidance and partly early nesting. I'm not even preggo but I'm on a mission to make space for the bump now. Just thinking about having another personality in this teeny apartment makes me claustrophobic....
This coming week is going to be dedicated to finding a fragrance to get DH for his birthday. He is so difficult to buy for: either he gets what he wants when he wants it, or we don't agree on taste :-\ Hopefully I am successful this birthday. The last few years have been fails. Last year I didn't even bother trying to find anything. The year before I ordered him a remote controlled airplane but the supplier told me they were out a week before his birthday. At the very least he will get to have a really awesome dinner at Eleven Madison Park
I think I've been running on a bit of manic episode these last few days. And obviously the lack of sleep did not help anything. On the positive side I did get a TON of stuff done this weekend. Except for any studying, that is.
So far none of these entries are very TTC related but so far our journey hasn't been very TTC either. Hopefully in 5 days Aunt Flo will arrive and then a week later we can start our journey again. I wish I could kill the teeny little flame of hope that keeps flickering every time I think of AF arriving. I can't help hoping that we got lucky again and that even though this wasn't a "real" cycle we caught the eggie anyways. Maybe I should just POAS to ease my mind. I would be 11DPO now if it were a normal cycle so it would be possible to read a BFP but then again if it's a BFN then I"m not going to believe it anyways. Yes, I think that's what I'll do.
Stark, blazing BFN. I'm not disappointed or surprised. At least I now have confirmation that my hormones are back to normal and that I should be able to ovulate fine next cycle, barring other complications. Now I just have to wait for AF to come knocking.
I have had to start serious exercising again because I'm struggling to cope with the low dose of medication. DH told me he has noticed that I am much more argumentative, I disagree with nearly everything he says lately (even if I don't need to). I can also feel that the smallest things are getting on my nerves. I just want to be left alone! But at the same time I don't... I can't really sit still. I'm constantly shifting my position, or bouncing my legs. I can't stand still. ARGH! I hate feeling like this. It has been over a year since I last felt like this. I just hope that this last year has given me the coping tools to deal with these moods/emotions without the medication. At least I can now see that the medication was doing quite a bit for me. I have had to take ZZZ-quil 2 nights in a row and I can feel that I will need to take it again tonight otherwise I won't be able to sleep.
I really hope I can get this episode under control. I'm seeing the psych on the 18th and I need to be getting it under control otherwise he will want to up the dose again. I would rather hang around on 125 mg/day for a few more weeks to give it the best shot I can to learn to deal with the emotional overload that I get into.
Other than that, AF has not arrived yet, nor has she given any indication that she's on her way so I may be in for a 6 week cycle like some of the other ladies said they had.