In Search of Our First Little Bean-We'd Even Take Two Beans!

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Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46
In Search of Our First Little Bean-We'd Even Take Two Beans!

Posted: 2002-08-12 22:16

CY#1, CD53

So, I was hoping I would be one of the lucky ones and able to graduate from the TTC board to a prego board on my first cycle, but it doesn't appear to be that way. Right now I'm on CD53 and no end of AF in sight!! I am going to do my 5th HPT tomorrow morning, and if still a BFN, I'll get blood work done by the end of this week. So far, DH and I have interviewed 2 out of 3 OB/GYNs, and the first two have had different opinions on what to do with me. Dr. A was OK, but didn't have a suggestion as to what to do to help AF show up, but did say she would start me on Clomid 3-6 cycles if no luck. Dr. B was OK, and gave me a prescription for Provera to take on CD56 if no AF and BFNs, and then Clomid to help jump start Oing. I don't meet with Dr. C until August 27th (she's on maternity leave - is that a good sign???). Luckily she is someone I have met with in the past for sickness related problems, but never as an GYN; she happens to also be my momm's GYN. I'm hoping everything with her Clicks, and Dr. A, who is in the same office, will be our backup dr. Unfortunately, I need a dr. with good experience with Crohn's and ileostomy patients, cuz that's me.

The other set back to everything is that all my tubes could be jumbled up. After my surgery close to 3 years ago, they said it was a chance. If so, it's a slight procedure to get it corrected.

Right now, the only people who know we're TTC are my friends Valerie (by accident at a party, and her friend Michelle - also at the same party) and my friend Elisa, who is the only Mom I know! My friend Jocie knows, but DH doesn't know I told her, although he keeps asking if I've told her yet - he knows me soooo well!!! We're not going to tell our folks yet b/c they're already badgering us now, just imagine if they knew - YIKES!!!

Anyway, this is my first journal entry, but hopefully not too many more. I have to leave (I'm at work right now), and my folks are waiting for me to head out for dinner.

TTFN - will right more later. Light a candle to help show AF the way...

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2002-08-13 17:58

CD54

Still no sign of AF. I was SURE that after all my writing about looking for AF (see "REWARD..." under TTC 0-6 months board) that she'd rear her ugly face, but no luck. I also thought that carrying tampons since July 16th (due on the 18th) would do it, but it hasn't. I guess what I have to do is NOT carry them, then AF will show up. So frustrated. :violent1:

I lied. I didn't test this morning. I'm going to test tomorrow morning for 2 reasons. It will be CD55 - seems like a nice number. Secondly, my family has a saying "The Sun Always Shines On a Wednesday" - both my brother and I were born on Wednesdays. Just so freakin' frustrated right now. When AF was first late, I had *ALL* the preggo signs: swollen boobs, nauseous, fatigue, swollen belly, peeing constantly. DH and I were CONVINCED I was preggo. It's funny, right around the time of AF and shortly after she was due, I was dreading each trip to the bathroom - I didn't want to see red (TMI - sorry!!!). At some point, it turned from not wanting to see red to hoping for red, because at least then we could start over again. Now I just wanna know. :evil:

It's so very frustrating, but at least DH is enjoying himself...hee hee hee. Every other day he reminds me that the doctor told me to "take my prescription" (aka...:sex:). The good thing about TTC is that we have gotten closer. I have some health problems which make BDing not always easy/fun/pleasant. For a looong time we went without just b/c I couldn't - I was one sick little chicita. I'm glad to be healthy now, but I'm still worried that my surgery from 3 years ago has wrecked havoc on my tubes...

Well, that's about it from my end. Not much new to say except AF SHOW UP OR TAKE A 9 MONTH VACATION AND BRING ME A PRESENT WHEN YOU RETURN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Baby dust to all TTC!!
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Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2002-08-14 20:14

CD55

Another day, another No AF...Getting a bit frustrated, but it's life. Took another HPT this morning, but a BFN. :evil: This one almost brought me to tears, but I perservered. :crybaby2: Actually, I didn't even care - how sad is that??? I took it around 7:42 this morning, and decided I wouldn't check it until 8:00 a.m. - the time I had to leave for the office. I knew in my heart of hearts that it would be a BFN. When kissing DH goodbye this morning (he was still in bed sleeping which he usually is, but got home from work at 4:30 a.m b/c he's finaling his project, so he was really tired) he asked me what I got on the test. I told him that if it had ben a BFP, he would have known right away - he said DAMN IT (which was his resonse to the 3 other HPTs and 2 bloodworks - all BFNs). This is difficult. I just want to start a new cycle so that there is hope - I've just wasted technically one cycle waiting for AF to rear her very very ugly face. :violent5: Why can't I be regular and have this be "easy." Yeah, I know - Nothing is EVER easy - if it is, there's got to be something wrong. G-d knows that DH and I getting together was not easy - it took over 7 years for us to get over our school-time crush and just hook up and date/marry/fall in love!!! :love3: Please don't let it take that long this time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :lovestory:

Oh, what a stressful day :stressedout: - all I wanted to do was crawl under my desk and take a nap. I should be out of here in 40 minutes. I think I'll walk out the door at that point, go home for a walk or ride my bike and go to the market. I need to just relax and get to bed early (b/c DH is finaling his game, I don't fall asleep/go to bed until he gets home - whatever time that is!! Even if I do go to bed, like I did last night at 2:20 p.m., I still don't sleep well) - right now I'm surviving on around 4 hours worth of sleep; not good.

Another really hard thing for me is this Web site. I know it sounds bad, but let me explain. I LOVE this site, and I'm usually really open with things I find with my friends and family. The only problem is that there are so many things I read/find on this site I would want to share with friends/family, but can't b/c NOBODY KNOWS WE'RE TTC!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've almost slipped. It's been hard too b/c I've been calling my drs for blood work/referrals/appts. and my family sees the same drs as me and I've almost told the stuff about the drs that would lead them to realize I've been talking to the drs, which would lead them to ask WHY AM I TALKING TO MY DRS - am I sick??????

Now, on to the BDing issue. :sex: Like I said, DH is working screwy hours these days and isn't getting home til at least after 1 a.m. (and I leave for work by 8:00 a.m. and he sleeps in until 10a.m.-12 noon!!!). We were suppossed to BD when he got home which was at 4:30 a.m., but I didn't want to mess with taking the HPT 3 hours later. Hoping we can tonight, b/c there still might be a slllliiiimmmm chance that I could O (cuz I'm not even sure if I ever did!!). AAARRRGGGGGHHHH!!!

Ho, Hum...like I said - never easy. I guess I'll just wait and see what happens...

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Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2002-08-19 22:14

CD5

AF showed up on Thursday and Friday ONLY!!! and very light??? :???: I'm sooo confused. I still feel like she's here. Actually, I think I "smell" AF. I'm sure this sounds REALLY weird, but don't you ever think you can smell stuff going on down there?? OK, so I'm just weird!!! Anyway...I really don't know what's going on with me. I wish there were just easy answers, but then what's the fun in that!?!?!?!!! I'm so very tired - I had a nice a nice looooong weekend. DH's game is finaling so I was able to go visit him for dinner Friday night, we went to a Bat Mitzvah Saturday night, and then brunch on Sunday with a girlfriend who works at his office who I was then going to see a movie with (XXX - What a HOTTIE!!!).

Anyway, I guess DH and I are going back to the drawing board. We joked about buying a BD pillow to use to help his little guys swim upstream - pretty much we'll try anything. I've got to determine when I O, but I'm not even sure if I did last month. Considering it was a 55 day cycle, I have no idea where to search for O. If you have a suggestion, please send me a private message... According to BabyCenter.com, if I have a normal 28 day cycle, then I would O August 30 and September 4th. If I have a 40 day cycle, then I would O between September 11 and 16. According to their calculations, if I have another 55 day cycle I would O between Sept. 26 and October 1st. AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! I can't even imagine waiting that long to O - G-d give me strength!!!! I think I'll start using an OPK next week.

Anyway, time for me to head home, try my Yoga or Pilates videos (please pray for me to start these - I would really like to lose some weight - I'm at 169 and I'm 5'2"!!!) and then cook dinner.

Good Night!!

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Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2002-08-20 21:47

CD6

Really nothing new to report. Had a funny conversation with DH last night. I was trying to explain some of the abbreviations here: OPKs, HPTs. I said "Do you know what you are?? A DH" He said "Dumb Idiot" - yeah, cuz that makes sense!!!

Kinda depressed. I'm not sure how long it'll take for us to conceive. I was never regular, and with my ealth concerns I have no idea when (or if) I O! I bought OPKs and like I said, I'll use them around the time I'm suppossed to O according to the calendar. I started a chart on preg.org's site, but I can't figure out how to attach it to my siggy. I also want to create a siggy with a cool background, dollz, and links to my gallery, journal, and chart. I've been emailing somebody who said they would help me out, so we'll see.

I'm getting ready to head out of work tonight and go home to either ride my bike or use my yoga or pilates video. I am really overweight and hate it. The hard thing, is that I can't seem to do anything about it. I try to diet, but I don't loose the weight. I try to exercise, but can never get my ass in gear to do it. I really have no one else to blame but myself. DH lost 25 pounds from April through June/July b/c he had high BP. He looks great, and I look like a fat turd. Nice. He finally gave in and bought me a Hybrid bike, but I've only used it 2x since early-July when we bought it. One of the problems is that it's really hard for me to wake up and go early enough to come home and shower for work. It's also hard to go after work b/c I usually stay late or by the time I get home, it's miserable outside (I like in San Franciso so we have miserable summers here - foggy and cold!). We'll see what I actually get done tonight when I get home.

Wish me luck...

-J

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2002-08-26 20:57

CD12

So, I ddin't work out this weekend, except for Sunday when DH and I walked about 35 blocks roundtrip. I really need to get home and walk/ride my bike/do the pilates video, but that is for my Exercise and Weight Loss Journal...

On the TTC front: If I had a "normal" cycle, this would be O week....AND MY FOLKS ARE STAYING WITH US FOR 7-14 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!! And our bed squeaks :oops: I guess we'll have to find other "creative" ways of :sex:.... I am going to start using OPKs this cycle to try and determine a better time of Oing, but I'm not sure when to start testing b/c of my irregular cycles. I guess I'll start tonight or tomorrow night and go from there....

Just got a call from my mom, not great news. She might have Fibroid Tumors - the same thing she had when she had me. They fixed her uterus so that she could have another baby (my brother). This could be bad for me. I have a feeling that my mom knows we're TTC, and keeps telling me these things so that I'm aware of what's going on with me without telling me she knows we're TTC - confusing??? :???:

I must say that I've been rather sad all weekend. Don't get me wrong, I had a great weekend, but Sharon's (NomiMom) news was really sad and I feel for her. I know how much she and DH want another baby and this just breaks my heart. She's been in my thoughts and prayers since I found out last week.

I guess this is all for me. If I could just figure out how to us the bloody Ovulation chart here, I might be able to add it to my signature...

-J

_________________
Wife to Cody


Rocky & Minka

TTC#1 Journal: In search of First Bundle of Joy

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2002-08-28 21:03

CD14

Well, BDing has been interesting. My folks moved in on Sunday for anywhere between 7 and 14 days (hoping more like 10, but I doubt it) while they have some work/painting done on their house. We BD Sunday morning, Monday night, and will again tonight. It's kinda weird to have my folks 1)living with us, and 2) in the other room at MY house while we BD!!! Luckily they don't know we're TTC, otherwise I don't think I could BD!!! It would be too weird to know that they're in the other room, probably thinking that we're :sex: right then!! EWWWWWW!!!!

Anyway, today will be my first time trying an OPK. I'm leaving work in a few minutes to go home, ride my bike, pee on the stick, then do the pilates video. The important thing is that I haven't had a sip of water since 3:50 p.m. and can't until after I pee!! I had slight cramping just below my rib cage...I wonder if that's O cramps... :???:

Anyway, relations with DH are good. He sent me an email today that said:

We have a ton my dearest pillow propped shmoopy.

He's such a goof!!! We started using a pillow under me while BD to help his guys make it upstream.

Yesterday we met with my NEW OB/GYN!!!!! I'm SOOOOO realived that we finally found one who has experience with Crohn's and ileostomy patients. It will really be a relief. She also thinks that if I don't get pregnant this cycle, then we're going to do an HSG next cycle to make sure that everything is working right since my surgery. That's a bit nerve wracking, especially since Jaime Lynn (navygirldoc1) had one and said it was really painful. I've been through my fair share of pain, and don't need any more, thank you. But, I guess I'll be in for pain at childbirth, so why not what it takes to GET to childbirth?? Still a bit nervous and really hoping for a BFP so I don't even have to do the HPT. Wishful thinking....

My new doc also thinks I should see a nutritionist b/c folks with ileostomies tend to have a hard time retaining nutrients from food (luckily I'm already on a prenatal viatmin). Too know more about my dieting, you can check out my diet & exercise journal, How did this happen???.

Anywho, that's about it for me. It's about 6 p.m. here and I still want to log in my diet & exercise journal.

Baby Dust To All TTCers!!!

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Wife to Cody


Rocky & Minka

TTC#1 Journal: In search of First Bundle of Joy

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2002-08-30 19:07

Another day, another :sex:! So far I have taken 2 OPKs, and both have been BFNs. Here's a post I made on the TTC 0-6 board:

So far neither my dad nor mom (nor any family member) know we're TTC. My folks moved in last Sunday, and are staying with us for 7-14 days (I'm guessing more likely 10-14). Anyway, when I went home to test on Wednesday, and my dad and mom were out for dinner, so testing wasn't a problem. I went to the kitchen got a glass to pee in so I could dunk the test in there. Then I went to the kitchen scubbed the H&LL out of the glass and left it to dry.

Last night when I got home, my dad was there. I went to the kitchen to get the same glass I peed in the night before to pee in again, and my dad had just picked it up to pour his iced tea in. I couldn't help but laughing. I know this sounds kinda gross, but I did clean the glass 3-4 times, really well. Anyway, I still needed a glass to pee in, but why am I taking an empty glass from the kitchen into the bathroom with me?? So I poured water in it and walked back to our bedroom. DUMMY ME!! The glass has to be clean and dry. TOOL - so I dump the water in the bathroom sink and head back to the kitchen. By this time, my dad has made it back to their room with the door closed. I sneak back into the kitchen, clean and put that glass in the rack to dry, and make my way downstairs to get plastic disposable cups. Made my way to the bathroom, peed in the cup, dunked the test, and then went to wait, this time bringing the test with me into our bedroom. So, now what do I do with the cup??? This whole TTC/OPK testing with my folks staying with us is driving me mad?!?!?!?!?!!! Needless to say, I really hope my mom doesn't go snooping around and find my stash of OPKs, HPTs, and in a Target bag the used OPKs and wrappers along with a very well cleaned out platic disposable cup.

AAARRRGGGHH!!!! I really hope I O soon, so I don't have to keep up these shenanigans!!

If we don't laugh, we cry.

I just wish I had a normal cycle so it was easier/more predictable to know when I O'd so that we had better chances. We really want a baby (and by we I mean EVERYONE I KNOW!!!! :lol:); we want to start our family, be "adults" (like that's really gonna happen, even if we have a dozen babies!

Last night I cried my eyes for a whole hour. On ABC there was a show on the babies whose fathers died in the 9/11 tragedy. I'm trying to add a link, but abcnews.com is down...I'll try to remember to do it later. My mom came home 15 minutes in to it and sat on my bed and watched with me. I really wanted to absorb it alone, but how can I tell my mom to go away - especially since she'd have to watch the MTV Video Music Awards with my dad! Lol It was so sad - there were 53 babies who lost 51 dads (2 sets of twins). 3 babies were born on 9/14. The saddest thing I heard was that all a mother wanted was the picture of her baby lying on the chest of her DH. Boy was I balling my eyes out!! When asked what was the hardest part of this, ALL the women said that coming home to an empty house - no DH/Father was there to greet them/the new baby. I'm close to crying while I type this. I can't even imagine what I would do if something happened to DH, let alone be pregnant with our baby and something happens. I would be devastated. One woman just couldn't bring herself to get rid of his clothes: they're still hanging in the closest, and his socks are still folded in his drawer. She said if she doesn't get rid of them, then it's not like he's gone for good. Broke my heart in two. They're such strong women, I just don't think I would have it in me. Who would be there to hold my hand while I'm in labor? Who would hold the video camera, take the first picture of me with baby? Who would take care of baby and let me sleep? OK, now I've done it, I'm crying, and I'm still at work - not cool Jill!

Anyway, looking forward to a nice LOOOONG weekend with DH. It's 4 p.m. and I'm off in an hour, but was trying to leave by now; out of 8 of us, there are only 2 of us still here (5 were on vacation, and one left early). I just found out that I've got to stay at least until 5 p.m. to work on new attorney resumes. G-d it just pisses me off that everyone else is off having a jolly old time, and I'm stuck back working. This always seems to be the way... :sad11: well, I guess I should stop writing this jouranl and get back to work... :sad11:

-J

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2002-09-04 21:18

CD21

Well...last night was one wild night for DH and I!!! Lately I guess it seems like we've been :sex: for BDing, and not for enjoying each other. We really took time for each other.

I used another OPK last night and still a BFN, so I don't think I have O'd yet, and if AF shows up in the next 10 days, I fear I won't O this cycle. If I do get AF this cycle, then I'm going in for an HSG (I think that's right).

Anyways, I haven't written in quite some time. We've been BDing as usual, and I've been using the OPKs, but nothing has really changed. I did just receive my TCOYF book, so I'll start that sometime this weekend (hopefully after my folks have gone back home!) :read2:

I have a feeling that this just isn't going to be our cycle. If that's the case, I will start charting my temps, and hopefully after the HSG will get on Clomid. I have heard that some women get the HSG and that then they become pregnant...I can hope, can't I?? :happy7:

Anyway, I think I've discovered the problem to my weight gain...SWEETS!!! I have officially had my last roll of Smarties today. I am NOT going to buy more. I have heard that people who were overweight and TTC, have lost weight and got pregnant right away. I hope that's not the case for me b/c I would need to loose about 25-30 pounds to get somewhat in a good range (I'm 5'2" and I weigh 172). Tonight I'm getting a quesadilla, though....Hmmm...

Hope all are doing well, and those with the 2WW aren't stressing too hard - that's the hardest part - waiting.

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2002-09-09 10:54

Why is it that everything we see and do revolves around a family and me getting pregnant. IT seems like everywhere I turn their are either young families (around our age) or women who are pregnant. This is soooo very frustrating. Especially when last weekend my 24 or 25 year old cousin, who got pregnant when she was 19 and got married to the father of the baby one week before her baby shower at 7 1/2-8 months pregnant, is trying for #2 (tells you in one breath and in the next says how she's divorcing her DH!!!), tried for TWO months to get pregnant, then gave up AND GOT PREGNANT RIGHT OFF THE BAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!! AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The sad thing is that they just don't have a lot of money, and I don't think she really even loves her DH all that much, but then again, who am I to say - I only see them a few times a year.

Anyway, I've been using the OPKs, first I tried First Response, then when those ran out I started using Clear Plan Easy, which let me tell you is NOT easy. :sad1: I started getting faint lines that kept getting darker with the 1st response and really thought I was close to Oing. Then when I ran out, I tried the CPE (which I've done twice - Thursday and Saturday) and the first one had a REALLY faint line, and the second one had NO line :???: I'm just about ready to give up. Just last night DH said that everybody seems to get pregnant once they give up....how can I "give up" when we're still trying and still not have it consume me?????

My folks are still staying with us (probably through the end of this week - joy), and I've been complaining about our comforter (we've had it for 4 years and it's got a pen stain on it and it's a bit torn - basically it's seen better days). My mom just bought a new set of comforters and really wanted to buy us one in thanks for letting them stay with us; also cuz she knows DH is REALLY cheap and won't buy one now. So, how do we divert my mom from spending $100 on a set that we probably will only use for 6-12 months??? Reason: we want to upgrade our bed to an Eastern King (it's the same length as a queen, but it's about 6-10 inches wider), but that means spending up to about $5,000 - $1,700 on a bedframe (which we REALLY like and are worried it will be discontinued soon) and $1,00 - 2,500 on a matress (depends if we get a really good store bought or an European SleepWorks) and all new bedding. :sad1: Plus, it doesn't help that DH is a flip-flopper...he can NEVER make a spur of the moment decision and IT DRIVES ME INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Once I know all the circumstances, I can decide right away. We want/need to build a room downstairs, and really need to do this once our first baby arrives. This will cost about $20,000, and we hope to do this next summer or so. The problem is that we will need every little penny in our savings account that we made from selling our old house and buying the new one we're in right now (well, not that new - it was built in the 40s). I mean, I KNOW his folks would either lend us $5,000 or give it to us as a gift for the house (they REALLY want us to build the room downstairs and are even going to donate some time and energy to helping out.) AND DH doesn't want to buy the bed until I'm pregnant (but if we get the European SleepWorks bed that's custom fit to your body, how can they take those measurement while I'm pregnant - maybe we can do it before...) - he wanted to wait until I was pregnant before buying me a new, bigger, family car/SUV, but we saw the Lexus RX300 and HAD to have it - it was a gem of a car and in perfecct condition. So, after goign to Bed Bath & Beyond and finding a beautiful set, then to Target, I finally had to explain to my mom that we're thinking about upgrading our bed b/c it's already squished with the two of us (and Cody being a tosser) and our two cats who sleep with us. I think she got the hint. If only we could find a nice quality comforter ONLY (no dust ruffle and pillow shams) that was about $50-60 - then I could be happy with it for a few months, and use it even after we got rid of our Queen bed. Oh, WHY CAN'T THINGS EVER BE EASY.

I guess I'm just having a really hard time right now. I have little faith that I Ovulated this month (AGAIN) which means the HSG for me. I have a BAD feeling that everything is screwed up for me with my tubes and all. I am just not feeling too UP right now. Plus there really isn't anybody I can talk to, besides DH. I can sorta talk to one of my girlfriends, but she's never been pregnant nor is she TTC. Humph. :sad5:

I guess I'm just really frustrated. I'm 29 years old, I'm not getting any younger; DH is 32 and also not getting any younger. All we really want is a baby in our lives. DH will make a FANTASTIC father - when we're around other kids, he's just so kind and sweet and loving. I know he has his doubts b/c of what his parents (mainly dad) did (or didn't do) to him, but I have the utmost faith in him. Then days like yesterday when we went to a city street arts & crafts fair, we were standing behind a woman and a boy - the boy was deaf. Turns out she's his step mother and he's a great kid. I started talking to her a bit about signing b/c I went to school to learn ASL to work with deaf children. It really got me to thinking how much I just miss teaching and working with kids. At Rosh Hashannah services Friday night/Saturday morning, I didn't recognize ONE CHILD UNDER 10!!! I taught there for 10 years, and left about 6 years ago. I can't believe how much I utterly miss teaching. It hurts my heart. I would love to go and teach in a deaf school or even more so in a not-so-severly autistic school (I also did this while in LA).

I guess the theme of this post is WOAH IS ME. I feel better after typing all this out (even though I'll be late for work now :lol:), but it still doesn't get me past WHAT TO DO FOR THE BED??? Lol :lol:

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

2002-10-09 05:33

WOW....I can't believe it's been a whole month (tomorrow) since I last wrote. I haven't NOT been TTC, I've just had a lot going on. So, my folks left and our lives have gotten back to normal - somewhat. DH is still debating about upgrading us to an Eastern King, but now it's b/c it would be HUGE in our room. His latest thing is wanting a nicer car - either a previously owned BMS 330i or an M3, now possibly a mercedes. He works hard, and really deserves it...I'm just worried about our financing. I guess that if he's not worried, I shouldn't be either - he's such a stickler for money and not spending any...

On the TTC front...I'm on CD 15. Last cycle was frustrating. I put on about 6 pounds and DH and I TOTALLY thought I was preggo. I think I figured when I O'd, and on Monday Sept. 23rd AF was due. Monday came and went, and I felt so bloated, and saw a faint faint tinge of red/pink on the tp when I wiped first thing int he morning. I thoguht that was implantation bleeding. Pretty much all of Monday DH and I were convinced I was pregant; DH even said that if I wasn't pregnant I was really fat - comforting. AF showed up the next morning. I called and scheduled an HSG, scheduled for Monday the 30th, for which I was going to call in sick to work. On Friday the 27th I got fired. This was a blow, but for the best. I was miserable, my boss was/is a bitch, and I was only happy when doing events and I had been pulled off the team to focus on the budget. I was really hoping to hold out and last longer than her, but it wasn't meant to be. I'm still convinced that she's leaving the firm, and this was her final push before she quite.

Well, the day of the HSG came, and the nurse and radiologist were fantastic. They explained what was going to happen ahead of time, they let DH in with me (Thank G-d), and expalined what they were doing along the way. Unfortunately, the tech couldn't find my cervix opening, so he had to give up. AAARRGGHH!!! TOTALLY FRUSRATING!!!!!!!!!!!! As we left the non-HSG, I called my OB/GYN for an annual (it had been over 3 years) and to see if she could dilate my cervix. I got an appt. in two days - unbelievable!!!

Wednesday came, and my OB/GYN found my cervix - it is a small opening and pointing down. She said that she wants to do my HSG, but the hospital won't let her do it this week, so we'll have to do it NEXT cycle!!!! DOUBLE AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On CD10 I happen to take my temp at 7 a.m. and it was 96.1...

Fast forward to CD13/this past Sunday....DH and I went for a looong bike ride, and when we got home I went potty and wiped and a whole mess of EWCM came pouring out on the kleenex. DH was in the shower and I told him that when he gets out we're doing some serious BDing!! The weird thing is that I didn't see any EWCM since that wipe?? :???: I'm somewhat hopeful that I actually was Oing b/c the next day my temp was 97.1. Now, if I can only wake up at 7:00 a.m. tomorrow morning and test my temp...!!!

Just tonight, DH patted my belly and asked if I thought I was makin' a baby in there! I certainly hope so...

PROMISE to write more later...

-J

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2002-11-14 13:08

It has been a looooooooong time since I last wrote, and a lot has happened. My last cycle was 25 days. I am currently on CD27 and about 15-17 days past ovulation and no sign of AF, and my temps have been staying high. I am also sick. I am dying to test but really want to hold off for another week (YIKES!!!) if no AF.

I want to test on either a Sunday or a Wednesday (my mom always says the sun always shines on a Wednesday, which is the day my brother and I were both born on), so I was thinking of testing NEXT Wednesday when I would be home alone. No luck! DH is going to be home b/c we're having work done in our backyard and he wants to set them up before he leaves for work for a few hours, to come back home for when I leave for work at 12:30. Maybe I can hold off peeing in the morning and pee when he leaves around 9:30/10:00 a.m. I'm trying to find out also if I can pee when I first wake up and then pee on an HPT test a bit later. I really want to test by myself, b/c I have a good feeling this month took (I think I O'd right after my HSG - which looked really good) and I want to surprise him that night at dinner.

I'm also trying to figure out how to surprise him. I was thinking about making a really romantic dinner and giving him the HPT test in a box in a box in a box, the last box wrapped in baby wrapping paper!!! I also wanted to get a bib that said I Love My Daddy, or something like that. Also, DH and I have been joking that when he finally gets me pregnant I'll give him a ____ (fill-in the blank). I was thinking about putting in a coupon for one - he should really get the hint then!!! I'm excited, but I also don't want to jinx it.

OK...deep, calm breathes. I'm sooo nervous. If I'm not pregnant this month, then we'll probably have to go in for an IUI b/c my cervix openign is sooooo very small and soooo pointed down - not easy for the spermies to find their way!!

I really don't know what else to write. I'm nervous. Hey - is it a good sign that as I write this, the advertisement up top is for Early-Pregnancy-Test.com?? Lol I sure hope so!!

OK...wish me luck - maybe I'll pee tomorrow morning - what a nice way to start the weekend. I could even do a Shabbat dinner and tell him that it's customary to give somebody a gift at their first Shabbat dinner (he's never been to one) and give him the box then?!?!?! That would be funny. Oh, I've got butterflies in my tummy (or is it a baby in my uterus??)!! Lol

-J

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2002-11-14 13:09

It has been a looooooooong time since I last wrote, and a lot has happened. My last cycle was 25 days. I am currently on CD27 and about 15-17 days past ovulation and no sign of AF, and my temps have been staying high. I am also sick. I am dying to test but really want to hold off for another week (YIKES!!!) if no AF.

I want to test on either a Sunday or a Wednesday (my mom always says the sun always shines on a Wednesday, which is the day my brother and I were both born on), so I was thinking of testing NEXT Wednesday when I would be home alone. No luck! DH is going to be home b/c we're having work done in our backyard and he wants to set them up before he leaves for work for a few hours, to come back home for when I leave for work at 12:30. Maybe I can hold off peeing in the morning and pee when he leaves around 9:30/10:00 a.m. I'm trying to find out also if I can pee when I first wake up and then pee on an HPT test a bit later. I really want to test by myself, b/c I have a good feeling this month took (I think I O'd right after my HSG - which looked really good) and I want to surprise him that night at dinner.

I'm also trying to figure out how to surprise him. I was thinking about making a really romantic dinner and giving him the HPT test in a box in a box in a box, the last box wrapped in baby wrapping paper!!! I also wanted to get a bib that said I Love My Daddy, or something like that. Also, DH and I have been joking that when he finally gets me pregnant I'll give him a ____ (fill-in the blank). I was thinking about putting in a coupon for one - he should really get the hint then!!! I'm excited, but I also don't want to jinx it.

OK...deep, calm breathes. I'm sooo nervous. If I'm not pregnant this month, then we'll probably have to go in for an IUI b/c my cervix openign is sooooo very small and soooo pointed down - not easy for the spermies to find their way!!

I really don't know what else to write. I'm nervous. Hey - is it a good sign that as I write this, the advertisement up top is for Early-Pregnancy-Test.com?? Lol I sure hope so!!

OK...wish me luck - maybe I'll pee tomorrow morning - what a nice way to start the weekend. I could even do a Shabbat dinner and tell him that it's customary to give somebody a gift at their first Shabbat dinner (he's never been to one) and give him the box then?!?!?! That would be funny. Oh, I've got butterflies in my tummy (or is it a baby in my uterus??)!! Lol

I knew I wanted to add something. If I am indeed pregnant, then my EDD would be July 26, 2003 - WOW I can't believe that. Again, don't want to get my hopes up...

-J

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2002-11-18 14:13

I decided to post what I wrote on the TTC 0-6 months board...

Today is CD31 and no sign of AF. Unfortunately I haven't had normal cycles since stopping BCPs. My first three completed cycles have been in this order: 55 days, 40 days, 25 days. I have just started having slight, slight possible preggo symptoms: tender boobs, very tired, slight slight nausea, belly pains (but not like AF), an unsually high amount of CM, and predictions up the wazoo!!

Here's my chart - I haven't updated it since last week (I left my calendar of temps and CM at home - I'm at my folks house) but my temps have stayed high and I have had A TON of CM (which DH even noticed Sorry - TMI!!!)...

http://www.pregnancy.org/modules/Photo_Gallery/7-TTC-Charts/aad

SO here's the game plan: This morning I was sitting on the porcelain throne debating about peeing...I would have to get up and go into the bedroom where Sleeping Beauty (DH) was still in bed, and he'd hear me get the test from the cabinet and he'd hear me open it up. I've decided that tonight I wil plant the test in the bathroom (unfortunately we don't have an under the sink cabinet, but we do have one over the toilet and DH NEVER goes in there) along with a pee cup, and test tomorrow (Tuesday) morning. I'm sooo nervous and scared - I want it to be a BFP, but I'm worried that it will be a BFN AGAIN!

I had a weird thing happen on Friday, along the lines of Kelly's dream, but this wasn't a dream! I was out in the play yard with my kiddies, and we were just heading in. I turned around and shouted bye to the group that was still out there (which I NEVER do). A little girl (who I don't know) came running up to me and gave me a hug, then patted my belly and said "You have a baby in there" - I was stunned beyond words. All I could say was no (and wanted to add that I'm just fat, but didn't think that was right for a 4 year old to hear that kind of thing!! ) I was so shocked, I went in and told my TA, who laughed about it. I talked to her about it 2x I was so shocked and stunned. I'm thinking that the girl's mom is probably pregnant and she's just transferring that to me...but I'm still hoping the girl is a prophet!!!!

Here's my horoscope for the week of November 18th through November 24th. Creepy b/c July 26th (EDD) is a Leo (see signs to seek) and I'm planning on testing on a Tuesday!!!!

TAURUS
You are at the height of excitability during Tuesday's Full Moon, as it occurs in your sign. You can make the most of this annual
occasion by picking a partner to be yourself around. This is one spotlight you will enjoy shining in.
Your luck this week*

Love: A
Money: B
Work: B

Signs to Seek: Leo, Pisces
Signs to Avoid: Virgo, Capricorn

I'll write more after Testing Tuesday!!!

-J

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2002-11-18 23:29

Still CD31 - my second post for the day....

I am sooooo nervous for tomorrow morning when I'll test. What will I do if it's a BFN?? What will I do if it's a BFP?? I feel soooo weird about not telling DH right away. I really want to do a nice surprise, but I don't know if I can hold it in from telling him.

I'm very "stupid-stitious" and don't want to jinx my luck by visiting the July 2002 board. Heck, I feel like I'm jinking it by even thinking it, much less typing it in. I even feel like I jinxed it by figuring out the due date. Oh, woe is me!!!!

uuuuggggghhhh!!!!! The Wait!!!!

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2002-11-19 13:04

CY4, CD32

I tested this morning just after 7 a.m. pst. BFN. Really upset over it. I didn't cry, and I haven't told DH yet, but reading all the posts and encouraging words from the TTC0-6 month board, has brought big, fat, hairy tears to my eyes - and I DON'T cry (didn't even shed a tear at our wedding while DH and my dad were crying like babies!!).

I have already taken the next step, and have put a call in to my OB/GYN's office asking for a blood test. I was reading the insert that came with the HPT (the brand was Fact Plus) and it said that certain medications and illnesses might not get a reading. Maybe this is true and with my Crohn's disease, I can't get a reading (I'm still holding out hope!!). I will go in today for a blood test.

I really just want to be pregnant and move on to the next 9 months. I'm not sure what's going to happen if I'm not pregnant this cycle, we might have to do a IUI - where they take DH's sperm and inject it through my cervix when I'm Oing - IF I O. I guess they'd put me on Clomid to get that correct. I'm just so upset. I really don't want to type any more. I've got a TON of stuff to do around the house and errands to run before I work in 3.5 hours.

I'll write more when I know more.

-J

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2002-12-20 13:19

So I'm really confused and upset - WHERE IS THE BEGINNING OF MY JOURNAL??????????? I know they're deleting old posts, but I thought our journals were safe????!?!?!?!!??? I know I'm not on here a whole lot but I didn't think that mattered????

Anyway, on to my post...

Well, today is CD29, and I think I O'd (or at least was trying to O) around CD17/18. I am expecting AF around Monday the 22nd (or CD31). If I get AF, then I start Chlomid. Also, today it will officially be 7 months of TTC. I guess I'm on to the TTC 7+ months board. I'll wait for AF to come this cycle then move on over...

On a side note - weird things have been happening, but I don't want to read into things like I did last cycle...

It's been STORMING here, and I told DH about the time my mom was pregnant with me and was trying to go to work in Marin and had to cross the Golden Gate Bridge. The bridge was actually FLOODED!!! and the police were stopping everyone who tried to cross to see where they lived or what they did for a living. Only Doctors, and I think Firemen and policemen, and (for some reason) teachers were allowed over!! My mom was a teacher and NOT happy about this. When I told DH he said - maybe you're pregnant!! I think that's wishful thinking. According to my temps, I didn't have a spike in temperature, and the OPK never got a dark or darker test line result. Also, my CM never really got good and EWCMie. Here's my chart so I have it all in the same place...

http://www.pregnancy.org/modules/Photo_Gallery/7-TTC-Charts/aag

Anyway, I'm also wearing my aircast right now - my achilles tendon is giving me pains!! I also haven't been feeling great and have wanted to throw up a few times the past few days and have actually burped stomach bile (sorry, tmi). I really don't know what's wrong with me. If I don't get AF by Monday the 29th, I'll test Wednesday morning - which I just realized will be xmas day - what a GREAT present, but again, I'm not holding out any hopes....

That's it for me. I REALLY miss you this site - I kinda wish having a job where I'm in front of a computer all day, but I love working with the kids! I just feel so out of it when I check in on my TTC 0-6 month friends - I don't know a lot of people!!! Hopefully I can log on more during the holidays....

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2003-01-10 00:25

So something weird is happening! MY WHOLE JOURNAL SHOWED BACK UP!!!! YEAH!!! I'm SOOO happy!!! Time to pee on a stick!!!! Today is CY6, 7th month, CD12, first cycle on Clomid. Had my CD12 U/S today - vaginal, fun! There are two follicles in my left ovary that are great in size - 22.4 mm and 24 mm. I also got a shot of HCG to help release the follicles. I'm really nervous and scared. I can't believe that this might actually be happening. DH wasn't thrilled with the shot, but he knew I wanted it and my theory is that we've come this far it would really suck if I don't release the follicles! He wants things to happen when they happen. Men!!!

I'm happy, excited, and nervous!

Oh, I also joined the TTC 7+ board - I feel like I've jsut graduated from elementary school - it's nice to be with women who are going through what I'm going through. It's been really though on the 0-6 board b/c so many pop on midway throug their cycle (sometimes at the end) and end up pregnant. There are some of us who are having such a hard time trying to get pregnant - it's just hard to have people that it's so easy for. Don't get me wwrong - I'm happy for them, it's just...it would be nice for that to be me.

That's about it for my end right now. Waiting to see what happens. My goal is that if AF doesn't show up on her due date, January 25th, then I'll test January 29th - the sun always shines on a Wednesday!!

WISH ME LUCK!!!!!!!!!!

-J

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2003-01-13 15:26

So, I got the HCG shot Thursday. I've been an emotional, silly girl since. Friday I was crying while driving to work because my grandma asked if she had a walkman at her house and I knew the answer. I was crying because with who else (besides my folks) will/do I have that relationship? Also, they won't be here foreer and I'm slowly coming to terms. Saturay morning, after :sex:, I was "doin' the Audra" (on my belly with my tush up in the air) rading the last ten pages of a 636 page book (The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay) while DH watched SpongeBob Squarepants. I was crying like a little baby!! DH also said that I've started getting into my silly moods, like I used to before I stopped BCPs, so I guess that's a good sign - my body is acting right!

Last night DH and I are at dinner and we're chatting about my cycle and the HCG shot. So far, I'd gotten negative OPKs and I was losing hope since the Dr. said I should O within 36 hours after the shot Thursday afternoon. Me and my great math brain thought that would be by Sunday afternoon. DH said by Friday night!!! AAAAAHHHHH!!! I started getting really sad at dinner, but decided to use an OPK anyway when I got home. I peed on the stick and before the five minutes were up I could tell it was POSITIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The first one in over 3-4 cycles of using OPKS!!!! DH was in the other bathroom so I ran it into him. He said it was definately darker, but didn't seem impressed. I started to get on the computer to type this to you guys and he asked what I was doing - I should be going to the bedroom with my legs spread (ain't he a charmer?? :razz:) I started to but then we discussed it: I needed to jump in the shower and dry my hair. After that :sex: Well, by the time we went to bed, DHs tummy was upset. We fell asleep around 11:30 p.m. I ended up waking up at exactly 3:00 a.m. I seduced him and for 20 minutes we try :sex: but it wasn't working. He tells me to go potty and he takes some meds for his tummy. We reconven in the bedroom and start in again. Well....the bed starts squeaking LOUDLY and I say "I hope the neighbors can't hear it" (an eldrly fairly-deaf couple whose bedroom wall we share). That was the deal breaker. We go to the floor to avoid the squeaky bed, but DH can't finish. I just wanted to cry, but didn't want to hurt his feelings. He held me and said he ws sorry. We talked and he said he kept seeing the CD12 U/S images of the follicles, all the test sticks, temps...everything was too clinical for him. I felt so bad and worry that if we wait to BD until tonight we've missed our chance to catch the eggy.

I feel bad for getting so upset about not BDing, but I was really selfish and not even thinking about what he was going through. Why does this have to be sooo very difficult???

I guess we will just keep BDing and hope we catch the eggy. It does me NO good to worry about it!

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2003-01-19 12:08

CY6, CD 22, 6DPO

This has been an interesting week. I swear that if I didn't know better, I would think I was pregnant. I've been nauseous, really tired, and have had slight cramping on my left uterus (where I would ovulate from). I really just don't know what's going on with me. I am soooo hoping I'm preggo this cycle, and I think I'm psyching myself out that I am. I have a REALLY bad feeling that if I'm not, I'll be REALLY disappointed! I went to a career day at Hamlin's on Friday and at least FOUR women were preggo!!! out of 20 or so. Also, out of 16 families in my classroom, eight have just had a baby within the last year, three are pregnant and five there are not pregnant or I can't tell yet. So, yeah, that's not hard!!!

This 2WW is for the birds (what ever that means!! :lol:) I am sooo used to not really knowing what is goin on in my cycle that now I know I'm ovulating, and counting until AF is NOT going to show up, I'm going crazy - it's really all I think about...

The good thing is that DH and I are still really enjoying each other and :sex: - this has been a nice change in our relationship. It's mainly my fault - sometimes it's hard for me to BD b/c of my health, but I've been learning to relax and enjoy things.

Anyway...Must go, Stop Obsessing!!!

-J

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2003-01-21 23:16

CY6, CD24, 8DPO

Something's going on, but I don't want to read too much into it. I have been nauseous and really gassy for a few days (but that could be from all the JUNK food we ate yesterday - a bag of popcorn, icee, candy, Tommy's Joynt dinner). I have also been REALLY tired - was dozing off while babysitting today, whoops (but that could be from the fact that we haven't gone to bed before midnight for the past 2 days). My boobs are REALLY tender - DH realized this yesterday, and today WALKING up and down the stairs they were sore. I really don't want to read in to too much, but it's sooo hard not to. I've decided I'm testing on January 29th: that will be 16DPO and CD32 - that should be good enough. I really just need to hold out for another 8 days...I can do that, right??? Lol

Sometimes DH can be such a twit!! For example, **I** won this big Downtown Get Down prize package (was the grand prize) at the SF Beer festival last year, and the package has a free night at Palomar, a top hotel; dinner for 2 at XYZ; drinks at the Martini Lounge; Lunch for 2 at Tommy Toy's; 2 tickets to an ACT show; and 2 tickets to SFMOMA. We're planning on using the hotel for our 5 year official dating anniversary on March 20th, but they're sold out that weekend - I checked for the following weekend, and they're all open AND have a CHEAP A$$ rate - so we're getting TWO nights for a total of $360 bucks, AND still have over $100 left over!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm SOOO excited and when I mentioned this to DH he said, "Yeah, we'll just talk about this when I get home" - gee, thanks for the enthusiasm. I know he's at work, but he's always SOOOO sceptical!! Why can't he just say, "Good Job, let's talk more tonight." For once, I would LOVE for him to think POSITIVELY!!! instead of soooo flippin' negatively!!!

Ugh....vent done - not good for me!!! That's about it for me right now. Oh, wait - I've beenhaving REALLY weird and very VISUAL dreams lately.

1. Saturday Night I dreamed that we were having an earthquake and it was one BIG jolt, but nobody else seemed concerned about it.
2. Sunday Night I dreamt that I was meeting Sharon/NomiMom - we were expecting to see each other, and I just somehow recognized her. We also had a lot of children around us, that I knew were our kids.
3. Monday Night I don't remember what I dreamed about, but I totally remembered when I woke up - it should come to me later today, and I'll post it. I do remember that it was REALLY viivd when I woke up. OOOOH....I dreamed that I had to get 1 tspn each of oregano, basil, and rosemary for work (which is a preschool) today (which I really did have to do). I forgot to take it to school today, so I met up with some old college friends AT my high school, and they helped me get together the herbs I needed. I ended up waking up early (4:30 a.m.) from this dream, worrying about this - I guess it was affecting me more than I realized!!!

That's another weird thing, I have been waking up so flippin' early! Sunday morning at 5:30 a.m. and going back to sleep until 7:00, Monday Morning at 6:30 and going back to sleep until 8:00, this morning at 4:30 then again at 6:15 when I set my alarm for 6:30 - WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!?????

That's it for now - AGAIN!! I really wish this rain would stop - the roof is creaking and I'm worried it will cave in!!!! Just what I need!!!

-J

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2003-01-24 11:57

Wednesday I woke up at 4:00, 5:30, 6:30, 7:00.

Thursday I had another symptom: close to puking my guts out at work!! April said "Could you be pregnant?!?!" Geez, how do you answer that when nobody knows?? I just said, "gee, I don't think so." Also at DH's work, one of his coworkers brought in his newborn and that got him thinking that this might actually be it!! We're both excited, but don't want to jinx it!!

We talked Wednesday night and he wants to keep this between just he and I for at least a month!! HOW CAN I DO THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!????? He said it would be really special if just we knew about it at least for awhile! Ugh!!!!!!!!

Now today I'm kinda freaking out b/c I was counting myself as 11DPO, but FertilityFriend is counting it at 9DPO! I really wanted to test earlier, like on Sunday or Monday, but now I just don't know what to think....I'm still feeling sick - and now I've got a sore throat, but no other flu like symptoms. It's getting harder and harder to NOT test! Last night DH asked me if I was prepared to test - I counted THREE HPTs!! AAAARRRGGHHH!!!!! SOmeone suggested posting my chart on the temping/charting board and get their opinions - I think I'll do that and post the results next....

OK....I need to not dwell....maybe I should learn to knit this weekend.......keep me occupied!!

-J

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2003-01-25 11:07

It's Sunday and again I couldn't sleep. My jean have felt tight on me, I've had a lot of acid reflux, and have been soooo very tired. I just don't want to get my hopes up, but it's so hard not to. I almost tested this morning but then realized it was Saturday. Maybe, maybe, I'll test tomorrow and NOT tell Cody!! Wink I would LOVE to surprise him, but he knows I'm suppossed to test on Wednesday. Oh, the stress and agony. I really don't know what I'll do if it's a BFN. I thikn I've really psyched myself out that it's going to be positive, but I'm such a worrier, that what if it's negative?? Can't think like that. Not yet!!

There are a lot of 7+ gals who are nearing the end of their 2WW: Shannan, Elizabeth, Mini, Amanda - hang on girls - WE WILL GET BFPs!!! We just have to wait our turn.

Well, I'm off to finish scoping out the boards, Uploading Hope's baby pics - just amazing, and then finishing up my biz cards. What a fun ol' day I have!!! Then I get to clean for our Super Bowl party tomorrow - YEAH!!!

-J

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2003-01-30 02:03

CD3, CY7, 8th Month...

AF showed up at 2:30 a.m. on Monday morning while DH and I were going to bed. I thought that it might have been just some spotting, but no dice - it's AF. I'm upset, but not too badly. On Thursday or Friday I woke up thinking "I'm Not Pregnant" and I really haven't felt anything over the weekend except for pressure in my left uterus. Also, I broke down and used an HPT Sunday morning and it was a BFHairyN

It was hard to go to sleep Sunday night/Monday morning knowing AF was here, so I did a lot of thinking and planning - I called Costco to see how much Clomid and HCG cost. Generic clomid is more than half the cost at Walgreen's !!! I then called my OB's office to told them what happened (or didn't happen) this cycle and they're continuing me on clomid and I'm going to go in for another U/S on CD12 (next Friday). DH is suppossed to go in for a SA later this week (or I more likely I will carry it in!!). I'm having a hard time getting him to stop drinking beer and laying off :sex:! I'm sure it's a hard thing to go in and figure out if you're the problem, but I really don't know why he's having a hard time about it now. Last cycle he was really supportive and caring and saying that he would do it without a problem. He just wanted me to go through my first cycle of clomid in case it worked. If it didn't work the first cycle, then he'd go in for a SA. Men!!!!!!! :violent5:

I'm OK. I know that now that I'm Oing I CAN get preggo - it's just going to take a few cycles. Hopefully DH isn't a problem...

THIS WILL BE OUR YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On a funny note...on Monday Rocky got his head stuck in a little Victoria's Secret bag that has a bunch of extra junk of mine from my purse that's at the shoemakers getting fixed...

All of a sudden, I hear the two cats come thundering down the hall. The first thought I have is earthquake, I am in San Francisco. Then I see Minka (the brown one) running first, with Rocky (the white one) running second - with the bag around his head!!

Not only that, but all this crap is flying outta the bag - coupons, pictures, dental floss, etc. He runs down the hallway, into our bedroom, back down the hallway to the front of the house (at which point I'm chasing him to get him to stop), he runs back to the back of the house, and I shut the door dividing the front and the back... I get him into our back AV room, and he's behind the couch. I just take it right off his head!! DUMMY!!! There is NOTHING in it!! I go into our bedroom and ALL the coupons are strewn on the floor, the pics are every where. I've got quite a job to clean up. The other cat is still under our bed - and she NEVER goes there. He must have really scared the two of them! I'm still shaking a bit - the noise the two of them made was sooo terrifying!!

What a way to lighten up my day!!!

CD three, first of second round of clomid. I think it's time for me to go to beddie by - I'm tired...

-J

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2003-02-01 18:21

CY7, CD6, 8th month

Cody is being a total jerk today!! Maybe he took a few of my clomid!! Lol He blew up at my grandparents house to my mom b/c my dad flaked today (which happens to be his 56th birthday). Later he started screaming at me in the car b/c I wanted to take my car and not his, and his was parked in last so I would have to move it to get to mine. He told me I was a f-ing baby, so I gave him the keys to my car and took his keys, and told him to go f-himself, and slammed the door.

I am ALWAYS the one to call after him and track him down and apologize - NOT THIS TIME! I am sooo fed up with his SHORT fuse - it's not fair. When I finally got back home from running errands, he was here. I sat down and came on line - he started givng me a REALLY good back rub and in a cutsy sort of way started asking me why we push each others buttons. Now he's acting as if nothing is wrong. I really don't need this. I know we're both under a lot of stress with money, his work, my work, and stuff, but this is when we need each other most - not treating each other like the dirt we walk on. We really need to seek couples counseling - we have to do somethign about his BAD temper.

OK....venting over...

Nothing really new to report on my cycle - just day 6, will take my fourth clomid today so tomorrow is the last one, then in for an u/s on Friday. Cody won't be coming with me b/c he's got to work. I figure that this u/s will be when they detect something wrong with me - b/c he won't be there for moral support.

Well, back to my crappy day...

-J

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2003-02-03 01:44

CY7, CD7, 8th Month....

Well...got DH to agree to a date for his SA. He seems to think it's not really necessary - I don't think so! He seems to think that he can't go 3 days without :sex: - trust me, he's gone longer!! Lol I had to :lew: b/c he was begging for it - I had a dule that was NO WASTED SPERM!!! And I told him that when I got preggo, he could get :lew:. Well...sometimes we have to play along with their games to get what we need - I'll admit it! He knows that's why I did it, too. I don't necessarliy enjoy doing that, but I know he likes it, so that's OK. I can't believe I just wrote this into my journal!!! :O

Nothing much else to report here - I'm been rather moist with the CM lately. I'm thinking it might have somethign to do with the Clomid. Oh, I know!! I AM REALLY BUMMED!!!!!!!!!!! I knew that we were getting a new computer that would be A LOT faster, but I thought that DH would take this POS in to work one day, and bring home the new one the next. He's saying we might be without one FOR A WEEK!!!!!!!!!!! That's fine for him - he has a computer at work. This is my ONLY shot at being online, unless I go to my folks house. Actually...my grandparents have one that I guess I could bring here. OH, how sad am I???

To Elizabeth, my new friend! :happy3: - WELCOME!!!! I hope you join the 0-6 month board, and you take my advice and SEE YOUR OB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You'll be fine!! You must keep positive thoughts and not stress too much!

Good Luck to ALL!!

-J

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2003-02-03 23:42

I won't be able to check the board for this week. Cody is taking our computer back to his work to exchange it for a better, faster computer. I'm happy, I just don't know why it takes ONE WEEK to swap out the CD burner from his old one into the new one??

If I do check the boards it will have to be at my folks house, which I'm not crazy about b/c of the HUGE PREGNANCY.ORG icon/marker in the top corner!! My mom knows about us TTC, but my dad doesn't and he's nosey! Also, it's a pain to go over there b/c all I want to do is come home and hang out at our house....

I go in for my U/S on CD12 this Friday and am hoping for BIG OL' HAPPY FOLLICLES!!! I have a bad feeling it will be bad news b/c DH won't be with me at this appt.

WE finally set on a date to do his SA, and now he's talking about :sex: now and I have to remind him NOT until AFTER Thursday! Sometimes he can be SOOO dense!!! ARGH!!! He keeps getting confused with when I O - he thinks I O on Friday which is CD12, but last cycle on clomid, I didn't O until CD16 - we have another week before his little men are really needed!!! Lol Anyway...I'll be happy to have the SA behind us. I just know the problem lies with me....

GOOD LUCK TO EVERYONE who reads this!!!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++VIBES

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX to everyone needing crossings

{{{{{{{{{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}} to everyone needing them

and baby dust to all!!

:babydustblue:
:babydustpink:
:babydustblue:
:babydustpink:
:babydustblue:
:babydustpink:
:babydustblue:
:babydustpink:
:babydustblue:
:babydustpink:
:babydustblue:
:babydustpink:

-J

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2003-02-08 02:55

So today started by "collecting" DHs sperm for an analyiss - let me just kick it off right there. I realized this morning that I hadn't called the lab yet to make an appointment, so I called at 8 a.m. - THEY WERE FULL!!! But she gave me the number to a different lab, who had openings. So the collection was the weirdest thing EVER!!!! Then I drive through town to take it to the lab. Before I left DH and I had cracked about every joke in the book about driving around semen!! Lol If you don't laugh, you cry... When I get to the clinic, which is in the part of town where most gay and lesbians live (it's called the Castro in San Francisco - VERY famous for it's gay activists, etc.), I go into the lab - there are ALL men, who all seem fairly gay to me (after living in SF your whole life, you tend to get "gay-dar" - I have nothing against gays/lesbians - I have quite a few friends who are). I'm carrying the semen in a bag - it takes everything in my power to not start busting up laughing. I walk up to the counter and this man is just standing there. He turns to me and tells me that there's nobody there. I start freaking b/c the semen has to get to the lab within 30 minutes of collection and I'm at about 23 minutes!!! I lean past him and start calling to the back - I come SOOOO close to yelling "Semen here, needing testing," but I control myself. Finally they get there and take care of the man then me.

OK...fast forward past and hour and a half of babysitting, and I'm sitting in my OBs office for my CD12 U/S. The tech does it and tells me that in my left ovary (where I O'd last month) there are no follicles at a "happy" size. In my right ovary there are two good sized folicles - OR POSSIBLY CYSTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe the tech told me this, but said that she wasn't sure and would quickly do her report andn talk to the doctor. BTW...it was a vaginal u/s - and it kept tickling me!!!! Lol I felt like pulses going through my female bits - really quite weird!

The dr. sees me and tells me that I've got two follicles, but dummy me doesn't ask her if it could be cysts!! I think I'll ask on Monday when I call for the SA results.

At this point she also does the HCG shot and tells me I should O within 36 hours. I told her that last cycle, after the shot, I didn't O for FOUR days!! She said that was unusual and seemed to hint that I wasn't right, but I followed it up with that AF showed up 13 days after I got the + on the OPK...

Anywhoo...if you got this far - GO GET A LIFE!!!! Lol Thanks and I'm hoping to catch that eggy (or eggys!!) SOON!!!

Off the TTC front, DHs ex-step-grandfather is dying. I know it seems weird to say he's an ex-step, but that's what he technically is, but he really means a lot to Cody - and me. He's a fantastic man, and it's just so hard for me to accept that he's nearing the end of his life with us. I thought we would driving down to Lompoc/L.A. this weekend, but Cody really doesn't want to go - he seems to think that Carp (grandpa) will last until next weekend - he's got congestive heart failure, renal failure, and had a heartache sunday ngiht/monday morning and they didn't think he would make it past monday. My thoughts are that we should drive down and see him while he's still a bit coherent, so we can talk to him and reminice, and be a support to the rest of the family. It's just so very hard. I really need to see the Jewish Healing center to help me deal with all the death that seems to be hovering around me with my own grandparents.

Whew, that feels better talking about it. Well...DH is complaining that it's almost midnight here, and I said I would only be on for 10 minutes, and that was 30 minutes ago! Lol

-J

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2003-02-16 14:27

DHs Sperm Analysis...Low Motility!!! We got the results Wednesday, February 12, 2003. I have been trying to get the results from DHs SA since Tuesday. I called the office Wednesday to tell them that I have to hear back from the doctor before 1:30 p.m. when I start work and can't use the phone. I'm sitting at the hair dressers, getting my hair rinsed, and realize that I should probably have my phone on my lap. With that thought, I hear my phone ring. I jump up (scare the hairdresser!) and get to it, just in time to realize I missed my dr. I call their office back right away, but she's moved on. Her nurse said she left a message for me, but told me the results. He's got LOTS of sperm, they just are a little slow. I was devastated. She also tells me that really our only hope is an IUI (which DH is against, and our insurance won't pay for at all). I asked her about a progesterone check on CD21 for me, and she agreed to that - I did the blood test today, fun...

After I hung up, I started crying in the rinse chair - and I'm NOT an emotional person. First I'm not Ovulating, now this. We have no money if we have to pay for this procedure ourselves. I'm just crushed. After the rinse, I go to the chair to get the hair cut, but my hairdresser isn't there yet, so I decide to call DH and tell him (he was REALLY anxious to get the results). All he can say is why didn't I wait to discuss this at home tonight and I don't need to keep calling him!!! JUST what I wanted to hear!!! I told him that he was anxious for the results.

When my hairdresser shows up, she's in a really sad/bad mood - just what I needed!! I really needed to talk to somebody, and she just wasn't it! All I wanted was to hop on here and write to tje TTC7+ board. I ended up wandering to a place for lunch and thinking. I decided to go in and pick up my lab slip and talk to the nurse in person.

In person the nurse was SOOOO supportive and fantastic! She suggested we go see a urologist who might have a more helpful suggestion. She also told met that if I wanted costs I needed to talk to the woman who handles insurance - who's out until FRIDAY!!!! She gave me the amount off the price sheet: an IUI would be about $300, the sperm wash (which they need to do) is $43, plus the cost of the office visit (if my insurance won't cover). We just can't afford that. I feel so devastated. I really felt like I was wondering around aimlessly before I started work. I came SOOOO close to calling in sick to work, but that wasn't fair to my kids or the school. All I could think about was going to the TTC7+ boardand posting for some guidance.

At 8 p.m. that night we got the news...Carp passed away at 6:00 p.m. It's a REALLY good think we got down to see him last weekend. Carp is technically DHs ex-step-grandpa, but they were so very close. The memorial service will be next month in Lompoc, CA, and then they will spread half his ashes at their cabin in the Southern Sierras (about a mile from the Giant Sequoia National Forest - where the fires were last summer). (The other half of his ashes will be buried with his wife in Virginia or Pennsylvania.) Not sure on dates, but this is soo very weird to me. I'm Jewish, and in the Jewish religion you bury people QUICKLY. He passed on Wednesday, so the funeral would be today, Friday.

Cody is doing OK, he lost it again Thursday night when he talked to his grandma, and she kept referring to Carp as Cody's grandpa - that really meant a lot to him. It's hard for him, and all I can keep thinking about is that it will be my time soon to loose my grandparents, and I just don't know how I'll cope...

Like I said earlier, I went in for my CD21 progesterone test today. Will get the results on Tuesday, I hope. On my drive over to the hospital, I talked to my brother. It was such a GOOD/GREAT conversation. We talked about our grandparents, death, dying, my folks, our reactions to my grandpa, and the good old days. He and I don't get along too well all the time, but it's nice to know that he seems to be coming around and is more in sync with the family.

That's about it for me. Cody is hollerin' for me to get off!!! Will write when I get the progesterone results...

-J

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2003-02-24 14:00

Right now I'm on CD29, 15DPO and expecting AF today. I've got some cramping happening and my temp dropped to coverline this morning. I'm not holding out much hope that this is our month. I've got to call the urologist to set up an appt. for DH and I - hopefully some more tests and drugs to help him out. We really want to get preggo on our own...

It's weird, but my birthday is in 2 months and we're trying to figure out what to do. Last night I was thinking that we could throw a big party, go out for a REALLY nice birthday dinner, or DH and I could go on vacation. This morning I was thinking that I would like to use the money for the IUI. That would be a GREAT birthday gift!!!! Maybe I should ask for that for my birthday from my folks!!! Lol

That's about it for me. Just trying to cope with getting AF today - I know Cody will be really crushed - he REALLY wanted me to get preggo this month since we BD'd the last time we saw Carp, right before he died.

-J

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2003-02-25 02:07

Cody took in the computer in last Monday, we got it back on Tuesday or Wednesday. I needed to get AOL for it, and that took two days - couldn't download it from the internet to a disc, so I had to find a place that had the discs. Then we were figuring out if we were going to do the AOL Broadband. Finally on Saturday we got the computer all setup and working. I am FINALLY catching up on all the posts! I can't believe how much I missed!!

I am on CD29, 15DPO and have had cramping all day. I expect to go potty and see AF any minute. Although, I have a funny feeling I could be preggo, we'll see....I made an appt. for Cody to see the urologist 2 weeks from today - I'll be going with him. Not much else from this end.

Actually, I haven't really told anybody this, but I posted it on the TTC7+ board: I went to see a Rabbi at a Jewish Healing center to discuss death and dying. It turned into a huge discussion on everything going on in my life and she said it sounded like I'm dealing with a lot of loss right now. She said it took awhile to conceive and knew what I was going through. My next session in in a little over a week. It's just so nice to talk to someone about everything that is happening...

It was so very nice to be missed ont he 7+ board. I was posting in my head all week!!

-J

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2003-02-28 10:57

CY8, CD4

AF reared her UGLY face Tuesday while I was teaching. I could just feel it coming...The weird thing is that it's really dark, dark brown, which I thought was "old" blood??? This has been a weird period - barely any bleeding all day Tuesday and overnight - only used two tampons, and neither one was really fully. Having cramps, and still the dark dark brown blood. I don't know if this is b/c of Clomid...Also, my CD21 progesterone was 37 which I think is good.

I called DH after work to tell him AF showed up and we are getting burrittos tonight for dinner (usually that's our Thursday night dinner) b/c I was upset and cramping. I just started to get all teary-eyed while on the phone with him. I hoped this was our month, but I guess it just wasn't meant to be - which is pretty much how I'm feeling about this whole thing. He wanted me to be preggo b/c I O'd the weekend we were in Thousand Oaks visiting Carp (his Grandpa) and then he died that Wednesday. He was SUCH a good man - I will truly miss him. It really hurts Cody that he will never know his great-grandchildren. Me, too.

Anyway, I'll called the OB Wednesday and got another round of Clomid and scheduled CD12 U/S and HSG shot. I have a feeling this month is pretty much wasted b/c DH doesn't go in to the urologist re: low motility until it's my CD14.

The burrittos Tuesday night were a big help!! I also scarfed down LOTS of candy (I actually can't eat chocolate anymore b/c of my Crohn's disease - lots taste buds for it!)!! Wednesday night I met Robin/WienRX for dinner!!!!! It was SOOO wonderful!! She was so sweet and kind. We had A LOT to talk about (the board, TTC, our families, etc.). THe time just FLEW by!! I know she got a +OPK Thursday at 4:00 EST and isn't seeing DH until tonight when she flies back home, but I'm REALLY hoping that she catches that eggy!!!!

I am SOOOO happy I have the 7+ board to go to for comfort. I really don't think I could get through all of this crap without them. Every woman knows what I am going through!

Welp, I'm going to Sacramento for the weekend for a CAEYC conference. I'm spending it with my girl cousins, which should be fun! Tonight we're doing a girls night thingie which should be REALLY fun! Even though they're only 2 hours away, I NEVER see them. They're like my 5th cousins, but act more like 3rd b/c my grandparents and my mom never had brothers or sisters, so my mom grew up with them like they were brothers/sisters or first cousins. I know - weird! I'm REALLY going to miss Cody this weekend. The first time we've spent a night away from each other in about a year - and it's two nights! Hohum.... I'm sure he'll get into trouble here!

Clomid round three, CY8, 9th month, here we go...

-J

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2003-02-28 10:59

CY8, CD4 - Entry 2

Whoops...forgot to add DHs EXACT sperm analysis. So, after playing telephone tag for ONE WEEK with my OB office and never actually talking to the dr. (her asst. told me to talk to the dr., the dr. leaves me a message to talk to her asst.!!), her asst. gave me the numbers but doesn't know what they mean. Here they are:

183 sperm count
Motility zero hour 55

That's it!! I don't know if the count is in millions, and I dont' know if 55 is a percentage. We're seeing the urologist on Monday, March 9th at 9:15 a.m. I wish it were earlier....

-J

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2003-03-11 10:49

CY8, CD15

On Friday I had a CD11 U/S and they saw one good sized follie in my right ovary and two good sized follies in my left ovary. I waited for about 30 inutes to see my dr after the U/S (she was delivering a baby) and I asked her all our questions about ways to incrase our CM. The first thing she said was Robittusin (she didn't know which one and she called it a different name). I asked her about: KY Jelly: NO. I asked her about two other products I found online or from someone here (FemGlide, PreSeed) and she basically said "DON'T PUT ANYTHING IN YOUR VAGINA!" So, I didn't even ask her about Mineral Oil (soooo sorry Carol!). I asked her about Primrose Oil, B6, and Vitex but she gave me the same answer for all three: there is no medical evidence solidly proving that these work, but if I would like to try them go ahead. Also, it sounds as if I'm only on clomid 3-4 months at a time (this is month 3 which is basically a wash - or so I thought...). I'm hoping I can extend her to 5 months, although since DHs u/s (see below) is on March 28th - CD32 for me, I may take a break off clomid next cycle and hopefully start back up after that - we shall see... All in all, not thrilled, not upset over the meeting, and definately don't feel more informed. DH gave me good advise: he said that she is a dr. dr. IYKWIM, and non-medical stuff she won't be thrilled over. Take the information she gave me, combined with the information I've gathered and make my own decision! I need to put a call into my GP and GI drs and see if either the Primrose Oil, B6, and Vitex will affect my tummy. If I'm not preggo this cycle, then I'll choose one. I'm thinking if I don't go on clomid this cycle then I'll take Vitex (in honor of Pammy!), maybe add B6 and/or Primrose Oil - I'm trying to figure out if it's too much...

On to DH...Yesterday (Monday), I accompanied DH to the urologist. Turns out, my dad saw him about 29 years, 7+ months ago (helped my folks get preggo with me!!!) and the dr. (whose about 70) said he remembered my dad (we have the same last name as him - common Jewish name) and he started to tell me what was wrong with my dad!!! ARRRGGHH!! Really don't think that was it, but oh well!! Turns out he also saw my grandpa, who he does really remember (did a lot of surgery on him not too terribly long ago).

Anywho, enough about my family...after an examination (which, like Mini, I was in there for to - where do you divert your eyes, so you're not really looking, but not really missing the show?? :lol:) and looking at his test results the dr. said that he thought the issue might be a vericose vein tightened up, which surgery could repair. Turns out DHs levels are really good, and his sperm count is WAY above normal! The one thing that they didn't test was the normalacy of the sperm's shape, but he didn't think that would be a problem since everything else looks normal and I guess some blood test he's doing will show if that's normal (thought I don't know how!). He said that normal motility is between 60 and 90 (I think 90) and DHs is at 55, and he would like to see it at 75. He said he was goign to get us pregnant - too cute coming from someone that looks like my grandpa!!! He got Cody (DH) bloodwork and scheduled him for an u/s on March 28th (CD32 for me). Hopefully we'll get some answers that day... I asked him about Conceive, GNC's Fertility Blend for Men, and
500 mgs Vitamin C every 12 hours. He said that none of vitamins will really help his problem, but the Vitamin C is something he could do - the dr. takes it, and I should take it. I think I'll stop and buy some today!

So, that's about it for us this cycle. I do feel a little better about this cycle not being a total wash since DH has just a bit below average motility, so we'll just see - it only takes one (but hopefully two!! :wink:) to get up there and find the eggy!!!! Right now I'm just waiting to O b/c I didn't do the HSG shot, so it should be sometime soon. I HATE WAITING!!!

Sometimes it just hurts so bad how much I want a baby. Although, not after a night like last night!!! I was babysitting a 3 year old and a 2.5 month old!! The 2.5 month old WOULD NOT STOP CRYING!! I changed his diaper, which was runny with poop, and that worked for about 2 minutes!! I sat with him on my lap while Jan (the 3 year old) watched a Mozart video and did a puzzle. I called DH during the crying fit and he just laughed and said "You want one of those??" then he proceeded to make rude jokes about how it'll be my responsibility to wake up in the middle of the night since I won't be working. I nearly fell off the sofa!! I quickly reminded him that it takes two to make the baby and HE IS GOING TO HELP!! He said he was joking and a bunch of guys from work were just talking about this at lunch. Sure was to piss off your wife!!! Anywho, I remember David's (infant) parents telling me that he always has really bad tummy/gas, so I started rubbing his belly - that's what I like when my tummy hurts. IT WORKED!!! he slept for about 30 minutes off and on like that, then started crying AGAIN!! I started swinging him back and forth in my arms and that worked, so I took him upstairs to the swing and he fell FAST asleep!!! Ugh, that's exhausting!

Leaving tonight for Lompoc for Carp's memorial service, but not before I work with Jan for 3.5 hours and then at school for 4.5 hours!! Then this weekend we're staffing a Jewish disabled children weekend!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!! I NEED A BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

G-d give me strength....
-J

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2003-03-20 00:46

Edited to add: CY8, CD24, 6DPO

Lordy, Lordy, Lordy - Cody and I staffed a weekend for Jewish children who are disabled and their families. It was very rewarding, but very draining. Needless to say I wasn't online until Monday morning, and I've just NOW caught up (It's Wednesday night!) I got a +OPK on CD16 and CD17 and according to Chimmy (and what my first instinct was) I O'd on Friday and Saturday was officially 1DPO. Considering we only BD Wednesday night, Friday Afternoon, and Saturday monring, I sincerely hope we caught that eggie!!! I have been having RAGING sore nipples since Friday and have been having cramps and a bit of nausea. I really don't want to read in to too much, but it's so hard not to!

I am back to expecting AF on 3/28, and if not here by 3/30 then I will test. I really, really, really hope this is our cycle. I think my OB might take me off clomid for at least one cycle, which is the only thing that helps me O. If that's the case then I'll take vitex, and start on evening primrose oil and continue with my higher dose of B6. I WILL GET PREGGO!!! I just feel like it's a lost cause sometimes.

Nothing much else new here. Busy working away getting donors for the CCFA walk on June 7th. I also have to start planning my birthday party with my family - will work on that this weekend.

-J

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2003-03-24 23:19

CY 8, CD28, 10DPO...

Well, AF is due on Friday, the same day Cody goes for an U/S. I've been sick, but have been having some symptoms: sore nipples for about a week, tummy cramps, some nausea, really tired. Don't want to read too much into it, but Cody and I really :sex: at the right times - I'm just SOOO Hoping! I think Cody will be as dissapointed as me this cycle, but we'll see. I am REALLY trying to be more patient when driving, but it's so hard. It's funny, when I start to get irritated or start being a mean driver, I feel twinges in my belly. I truly believe in karma, so we'll see what happens to me.

That's about it on the TTC front - I have been busy with the CCFA walk. I really need to send out the evite, as well as follow up on the committee members to see where people are with donations and sponsors. I have gotten a lot of donations, not too many sponsors. I still have to hit Union Street, Chestnut STreet, Union Square, and a bit more of Fillmore street - I am so proud that I hit two blocks, both sides, in about 30 minutes today. I should have about another 30 minutes tomorrow!!! This weekend, I'll do Union Square with Cody while we're downtown enjoying the "Downtown Get Down" prize package I won at the SF Beer Festival!!! I'll hit the posh stores and the hotels/5 star restaurants down there.

That's about it for me. Will wait to see what happens on Friday...if no AF, then testing on Sunday. Wish me luck!!!

-J

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2003-04-01 01:00

10th month, CY9, CD4

Yup, AF showed up on Friday. Not a happy camper. Actually, it worked out OK. Cody and I spent Saturday night at the HOtel Palomar and ate at Restaurant XYZ at the W Hotel. For dinner we had a three course meal, with wines (or champagne or port) accompanying each course!! It was a good thing I wasn't preggo so I could enjoy it!!! When I told him this, he said he wished I was so we could enjoy this dinner and my birthday (which is in 32 days, not that I'm counting Smile ) and have this little secret between us. Personally, I don't think I could keep it a secret, but we'll see!! There is still hope that we can get preggo before my birthday, but we need to get his little men off their slackin' couch!!! Lol

DH and I had a nice heart to heart talk Saturday night that extended to Sunday morning. It was just so nice to talk to each other.

505 kisses!! That's how many he gave me during a nice full body massage Sunday morning. He said he wanted to get to 1,000, but I guess I'm not big enough - I think that's a good thing!! Lol I think he felt bad b/c he can be such a perv sometimes, and he jokes that I'm a prude. Not really, just I've changed since we've gotten together and I've become more conservative. I think part of it is getting off BCPs and the clomid, but who knows. I'm REALLY trying to get that sex drive back!! Oh, hummm...

So, for this cycle, here is where I stand. I may or may not start Clomid tomorrow - need to check with my dr. If no clomid, then I wills tart Vitex. I am DEFINATELY starting EPO, I will continue with the B6 and Vitamin C. I am calling the urologist tomorrow to find out what the next step is for Cody. That's about it for me. Some days I really feel like I will never get pregnant. That is just a sad and depressing thought. Some days I just want to cry. It is hard seeing pregnant women EVERYWHERE. I just want it soooo badly.

-J

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

Posted: 2003-04-11 13:21

I made it through the CD13 u/s. I want to start off by thanking those who attempted to keep me sane: Kelli (Kellibug), Elisa (Silver), and Pam (Natesmom) - really couldn't have gotten through this nerve wracking day without you guys!!

For those of you who have NO idea what I'm This cycle would have been my fourth on clomid, which my ob didn't really want to do. I had gotten three nasty yeast infections the past two cycles and wasn't happy on clomid, so DH and I decided (after my OB prescribed another month on clomid) that I would not take clomid this cycle and start the vitex and EPO. I was nervous about going to the dr. today b/c I would essentially have to lie to her b/c I was worried she wouldn't do the exam if I told her I wasn't on Clomid - kind of a waste (she told me to not bother with charting b/c it was antiquated, and that herbs were pointless). After talking to my voices of reason (including my grandma!), I decided to not tell her that I was on vitex and just see what happens - the worse would be that the vitex didn't work and I wouldn't taken another cycle of clomid and would do another round of vitex in my mind and would tell her I was trying vitex the first time.

Turns out I had two follies on my left side (one was 10 and the other was 13mms) and one on my right (about 8mms). I usually do not O until CD 16 or 18 so she was happy to hear that knowing that the follis would grow another few mms a day (is it milimeters or centimeters??). The other good thing was that my uterus lining was really nice and thick (last cycle it was really thin) - in fact, it was so thick, she thought I could have been pregnant already!!! but I wasn't. I didn't tell her I was on vitex or EPO. I'm SOOOO happy to know that it was working.

Now for the bigger picture. My grandma made a really good point that I should feel comfortable telling my doctor what I did this cycle, and I just don't - I'm never really sure how she'll react. I have the name of two other OB/GYNs and I think I may talk to them. I'm in a weird place b/c I work at the school my current OB sends her daughters (I work at a different campus and occassionally see them when I sub at their campus).

I know I am nearing O day b/c my CM has been creamy and DRIPPING!!! I'm soooo happy the EPO is working! Also, got a darker line on the OPK, but still not a fully positive. I'm hoping that tomorrow or Saturday! I am really hoping I pull a "Pam" and this cycle works for me! Trying NOT to get my hopes up - I'm not even in the 2WW yet!!!

That's about it for me. Will update once I O.

-J

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

CY9, CD19, estimated 4DPO, last day of 10th month


UGH!!! Just finished moving my journal from the old boards. That was a fun hour. I really hope I did it all OK. I guess I'll have to count. Luckily I have it saved as a word document, too.

So, I got the +++OPK on Monday, Tuesday's test FAILED!! I couldn't test on Wednesday b/c of Passover and timing. I've been temping but my temps have stayed steady between 97.2-97.5 this WHOLE work week!!! Turns out I have an UTI!! I had a bit of bleeding Thursday (do I count this as spotting on my chart - it was DEFINATELY from the UTI) when I wiped a few of the dozen times I went potty yesterday! I started meds and feel SOOO much better now. My question: Could the infection (which I think started Tuesday - or earlier) be causing my temps to not jump?? IF they haven't jumped, does that mean the eggies haven't dropped yet??? If the eggies don't drop within a certain amount of time, do they go bad??? Ugh!!! WHY ME?????? DH and I have been doing the BD Marathon this week - we REALLY wanna catch the eggies!!! I just want answers!! Also, my back is out and I've been on meds for that - could that be screwing me up??? The good news is that I hopped a bit up today to 97.7 - better than 97.2!!

Here's my chart....

http://www.pregnancy.org/chart/ShowChart.php?uid=JillandCody&chart_id=2

Also, I have kinda been drying out - I stopped the vitex and epo when I go thte +OPK on Monday and I dried out Tuesday and Wednesday - could that be from stopping the herbs, or from the UTI???? UGH - I really am not a happy camper and am nervous about starting the herbs again in case it can cause a miscarriage and I am on the way of being preggo (not looking too likely now, though). Really sad and I know the stressing out isn't helping me either. I hate my body....

I don't know how to count my days, so I'm just guessing that I'm about 4DPO - I wish someone could give me an answer....

This all comes on top of a really horrible week:
I titled the post: Jilly Beans and the Terrible,Horrible,No Good,Very Bad Day!!

It is 11:30 p.m. here and I NEED to go to bed, but I wanted to update eveyone on my day/weekend.

My back is out and has been for a week - makes :sex: *real* fun! This morning I got on line for a minute and said to myself that I was not going to AIM anyone b/c I had to quickly get off and type notes for a meeting I had at 9 a.m. Well, first Pam AIMed me to see how I was and I got TOTALLY into that conversation b/c I was all excited I got EWCM and we started taking about AR vs. AZ and well, 15 minutes later we got off. Then I continued to try and reply to posts I had put up, figuring out it was ON THE OLD BOARD!!! In the midst of this, Silver AIMs me - telling me AF was due yesterday!! Totally got excited over this and once again got distracted. Well, 8:30 a.m. rolls around and Cody starts snapping at me that I should have left well before this - and I STILL have to finish the minutes for my meeting in 30 minutes that is a 20-25 minute drive (and I need to get dressed). I get off line, finish typing the notes, get dressed (part of my clothes are in the basement so I'm walking around in jeans, shoes, socks, and a bra!), and head out - with 12 minutes to get myself to the 9 a.m. meeting!!

As I'm driving, my car suddenly doesn't feel great...turns out I HAVE A FLAT TIRE!!! I call AAA, then call the woman at the restaurant (b/c I couldn't find her cell number) and tell her we have to postpone. AAA comes in 15 minutes and I get out to talk to the guy - I realize I FORGOT MY COAT!!!! Throw on a sweatshirt and freeze to death while he fixes my tire. I drive to the Crepes place where I was suppossed to have my meeting b/c I needed a treat.

Go at 10 a.m. to work with one of my kids on his speech only to find out he is not in the mood to deal with me. He cries off and on throughout our 2 hour session b/c he hears his mom and dad. THis kid has LOTS of problems (speech, occupational, sight, etc). Talk to his mom after our 2 hour struggle and I mention crepes - she gets all excited B/C SHE'S CRAVING THEM!!! I have also noticed prenatal vits and books on babies around their house. I came SOOOO close to asking if she's preggo. G-d help the world!!

So, I head back ACROSS town to home to get my coat, my rings I realized I left at home, as well as yarn to learn how to knit that into the scarf I'm making, and my cell phone charger b/c my battery HAS DIED!!! I head BACK across town and get to work.

I swear the only thing that didn't happen to me was an accident and a ticket!! I kept waiting for those b/c I saw cops ALL over town!!! I know I'm forgetting something else that went wrong.

At home, though, I ended up peeing on my OPK stick and got a REALLY BIG ++++++++++++++++++++++++ on it!!! I was SOOOOO excited!!! DH and I :sex: tonight and will again tomorrow morning, tomorrow night, Wednesday morning and night, and maybe Thursday morning for good measure!! We are CATCHING THAT EGGY!!!!! I also got EWCM this morning!! The EPO (which I'm stopping as of this morning) and the vitex REALLY WORK!!!! I am sooo happy something is that isn't giving me the nasty side effects that the clomid was giving me. I am SOOO Hoping I get a REALLY GOOD PINK birthday gift in 16-17 days!!!! :happybday:

DH is going to do another sperm analysis again - next week sometime, and this time AT the lab! I don't want to run any risks of getting the little guys there late!

On to a different subject...I gotta say that there are a few things I really like about this new site: I like that the link is automatically set to add my siggy at the bottom, I like the emoticons easy to click on to the left, I like that it view the topic at the bottom, I like the popup and/or email of a new PM, I like that I can watch different topics - not just ones I post. I also like the layout.

I wish that I could change the emoticons to what I use all the time. I wish that when I got a pop up announcing I have a new PM, it would open a new screen to view the PM. I wish that when I had to move my journal over from the old boards it was easier!! Oh, well, change is good and there are a few bugs!! (can't wait to have my marquee back up and running!!)

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

CY9, CD26, First day of our 11th month...


Went to a hypnotherapist today. Really enjoyed the session and am looking forward to my next session with her. She is working with me on getting pregnant and helping me "open my body up for my babies. I believe in my baby spirits being here and waiting for me. She asked me what I thought they (because I want twins, she kept saying two baby spirits!!) would tell me they were waiting for me to finish getting ready. I said my weight/diet/health and I need to clean the house and keep it clean! She "hypnotized" me (more or less spoke softly/gently) and talked to my unconsious mind (for part of it I fell asleep, which is OK). I really enjoyed it. I'm hoping that it works. I'm sick of NOT being pregnant. I want the big belly, barfing, back pains (for a GOOD reason, not b/c I got out of bed wrong!), food cravings, weird dreams - I WANT IT ALL!!!!! I am ANXIOUS to be a mom!!! I am proud of myself b/c I started a list of things to do tonight, and I've worked through three of the seven items. I will work on the other four tomorrow, and I will work on goingthrough papers later tonight and tomorrow. I didn't tell Cody about going to the session, b/c he'd get all critical and he'd ask about money :boxing: - I'm just going to tell him that it was free this month for teachers where I work (little lie, never hurt!!). I told her about Cody and his negativity (I am miss positive, he is mr. negative - I HATE that! :violent5:). She said that negativity breeds negativity!! :sign5: If you think it won't happen, it won't. I've tried to tell him before, but he generally doesn't listen. :violent1: She also said that cleaning up the clutter invites things into your life/home. She was into Feng Shui, which I liked. I bought a video and a few books about four years ago and really haven't done much with them. PLUS Cody promised that when we bought our first home he would get me a Feng Shui consultation - I actually got that in writing (now if I could just find it... :LOL:). I really want to be a better person for myself and my future little beans. I know it drives Cody ape sh!t when I don't clean and I'm lazy. That's one thing he does right - he'll plow through something until he's done so he has more time to play. I don't. I can sit around and procrastinate like nobody else!! It also takes me about twice as long to do something than he does. I can't just stay in one room and clean (unless it's the computer room and I'm online!!! :wink:). I wander and start one place, then continue elsewhere - drives him crazy!!! :banghead:

Cody's not home until at least midnight - I hate him working so late, but I know it's so he can further himself at work and get us up to a good financial place so I can be a SAHM one of these days - whenever that will be...NO - NO NEGATIVITY!!! IT WILL HAPPEN!!!! I really do need to eat better and try to exercise some more. I CAN DO IT!!! It's going to take time, it's not going to be easy, but we'll get through this...TOGETHER!!

Can you tell I'm in a weird mood...I started adding lots of emoticons, different ones than I normally do. Maybe I'm tired and hungry -heck it's only 10:55 p.m. here and I still haven't eaten dinner - heated it up about 2 hours ago, but haven't eaten it yet!!! :LOL:

On the TTC front...I'm trying to figure out if/when I O'd. Really don't know what's going on with my body - I hate it!!!! I WANT A NEW ONE!!!! I just want to be "normal" for once - why is it that no matter what happens in my life, I'm abnormal?? The Crohn's, my back, TTC, arthritis, etc., etc., etc., NORMAL!!! Is that too much to ask for??? OK, if not normal for me, then for my babies-to-be. That's all I ask for - just give me a normal-event-free pregnancy and birth and bestow all the good fortunes I haven't had upon my children. Amen.

Good Night.

Jilly

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

CY10, CD1, 11th Month


AF showed up Sunday. I had spotting on Saturday after some hard labor, and I (along with someone else who shall remain nameless...!) thought it looked good for implantation - it was 11DPO. Sunday it was a little more brown blood, then started even more red by the afternoon. I don't remember the last time I cried like that. This truly was the first time I'd cried when I got AF. It was really hard for me b/c I was SOOO hoping that I would get a nice birthday gift by Friday. No dice. I think I had a good feeling up to Friday then my "symptoms" started fading (no sore nipplies, no really sore bbs, a bit of nausea, etc.). It also didn't help to find out on Friday that my lead teacher is three months preggo and Sunday I found out my cousin (who should NOT be having children with the man she's married to) is six weeks preggo with her second (actually fifth, if you count the three abortions she's had) - both people got preggo on their first try. I think getting AF is harder than seeing a BFN b/c at least with a BFN there is still hope for being preggo. Once you get AF you're on to the next cycle of trying. This is our 10th cycle, 11th month of trying.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do next. I know a few things for sure:
*DH is going in for his second SA this week.
*I'll start the vitex and EPO again today (took a HPT to confirm a BFN) and see where that leads me.
*I am NOT stopping the vitex after the ++OPK - I did last cycle and I'm not sure if I really ever O'd (this is OK to take through whole cycle, right??).
*I am not going to be obsessed this cycle - we're going to BD when we want to.
*I'll take my temps if I wake up at the right time and remember.
*I'll use the OPKs to determine if/when I O, and will BD when we feel like it.
*I'm exercising, eating better, and getting into shape.
*I'm keeping the house clean.
*I'm going to enjoy my 30th birthday weekend and drink, have fun, and try and be merry.

I need to do these things for me. I truly believe that if I can do these things to be happy, I'm opening my life up for more...We'll see what all this brings me with regards to the boards. I think I might be a lurker for awhile. I really am upset - I let myself get my hopes up too much; not a good thing.

Someone I work with is a Hypnotherapist who I saw last Monday, and I'm seeing again on Wednesday to deal with my infertility. I've got to say that I'm really trying to have a more positive outlook. Some of the things we talked about are cleansing and opening myself up for something new. I'm really trying to work on myself I haven't been happy with some of my choices for awhile, and I know DH isn't. We got into a large fight last week over it. I hate to say it, but I'm lazy and it reflects in a lot of what I do. I am really tryign to work on it, but when you've been like this your whole life, you can't change overnight. I think DH is finally starting to realize this - he's got his own issues, TRUST ME!! :LOL:

On the birthday front - I am looking forward to drinking some wine, enjoying some margaritas (hopefully! ) and maybe some cranberry-vodkas!! I am such a light weight drinker these days (in alcohol only - nothing else am I a light weight about :cry:

Going now to create my new weight loss/exercise journal and bring over my old posts - I WILL loose weight!! I just don't want it finding me until I'm preggo!!! Lol

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

CY10, CD3, 11th Month


Another day, another problem. Today I ended up sideswiping a car while I was tryign to park after an idiot driver got the best of my temper. Sometimes I really think I suck a$$!

I went to my friend for day two of hupnotherapy This time we worked on my weight and TTC. When I "woke up" she said I would probably drink more water. I don't know if it's b/c she told me, or it really worked, but I have been parched ALL day and have drunk almost 48 oz of water - MUCH more than I usually drink in a day!! YEAH ME!!!!! Cody goes in for his SA tomorrow morning - fun, fun, fun! Then he goes tot he dentist then work; I go to the dentist later in the afternoon. I really can't believe I'll be thirty in a little over a day!

That's about it for me. Need to get off and do some CCFA work - man I'm behind on that.....

-J

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

CD8, CY10, 11th month


Well, I think I've finally recovered from my birthday weekend. What a whilrwind of a weekend!! I haven't been on since Thursday and I'm going through P.ORG withdrawals!! Lol :lol: Lol

Have a funny/creepy story to share: When I was blowing out the candles at my party Saturday night, DH's aunt (who's a little weird to begin with - we call her Kooky Aunt Kathleen) turned to him and said I know what she's wishing for and they both said at the same time - fertility! When she went to leave, she said to me - Happy Fertility!! I was floored, and embarassed - I didn't know what to say!! DH ended up telling me why she said this....This is the same woman who said in December that Cody's step-grandpa was nearing the end of his road - which he was and did. The only thing is that she said this was BEFORE he took a serious turn for the worse and the doctors knew what was going on with him! She's kinda creepy - hope she's right, though!!!

Cody and my family really dolled me up for my birthday - I got some smashing jewelry!! I got pink sapphires and amathysts. Really feel like a princess. If only I could figure out how to wear it to work (teaching preschool!!).

I have been taking it easy - didn't temp this weekend b/c of drinking and sleeping in. I temp when I remember and don't stress over it. I've been taking the vitex and epo, but really just taking it one day at a tiem. I'll star the OPKs this weekend - and try to keep up with it, but again - not stressing! I guess it really will happen when it happens. I got a phone call from my OB on Friday that Cody's SA came back good, but my brother and his girlfriend were sitting right there, so I couldn't go into too much detail. I'll call the urologist tomorrow and see if I can get more information.

That's about it from my end. Have some cramping and acid reflux, but nothing too abnormal for a gal with Crohn's!

-J

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

CD24, 5DPO, CY10, Today is the first day of our 12th month of TTC

Here are the numbers from Cody's last SA, Taken on 5/1/03:
322 million sperm count
Motility at zero hour: 90%
at three hours: 80%
at six hours: 60%
Morphology 59%

I seriously think it helped that we gave the sample at the hosptial - which is a whole other story (TMI: let's just say we had to go to a bathroom, and I was sitting on the floor - I kept saying "I think it would be easier if you did it by yourself").

So, this cycle I did vitex and EPO up to O time, NO pillow under butt or Audra this cycle - just taking it easy....I'm not even holding my breathe and making a wish when I go through tunnels!! Lol I had a bit of spotting on 3DPO, and for the past three days I've felt nauseous and very tired. Right now I'm doing everything I can to not puke!! Reading my last post, it would be eerie if I was preggo!!! Aunt Kathy is a witch!!!! Lol REALLY trying to not get my hopes up, but, as I've said before, it's so damn hard!!!

On to another subject...a few weeks ago, while we were getting ready for bed, I mentioned that the site has gotten a bit faster for me (I know, everyone else is slow - maybe it's just our new computer?). He said "Faster, really, b/c it was slow" - I asked him how he knew that, thinking he would say b/c I always say how long it takes me on here. He said "I went on it a while ago and it was slow!" OMG!!! I tried to not freak, but I kinda felt violated. I have this journal that I write things in, and I feel comfortable sharing with my TTC friends, but I would want him to let me know he was going to look at it or I would show it to him. He asked what I was hiding and I said nothing. I'm not hiding anything but it's just weird that's all. I wish that he would be more involved with me on here, but he thinks that I am on here too much and I share too much. He kinda was upset over the pics I have in my gallery. I explained to him that I would be lost without you guys. He's mad b/c I neglect some home stuff and get on here. I don't necessarily agree with him. One thing is that he is Mr. Negative - everything is clouded, he has a hard time seeing positives. I see it the other way around. I am trying to keep up with the stuff I have to do, but I don't sit in front of a computer all day so this is my only time online.

OK, vent over. I know I posted it on the 7+ board a few weeks back, but I wanted to keep it here - I think it's important...

That's about it for me. I just want to say that I'm happy my dear friends ParkerA and Nikki are preggo n- I know you ladies have gone through sooo much - you deserve this!!!

-J

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

CY11, 12th Month, CD12


Holy Moly - I can't believe how long it's been since I last wrote!!! I really never meant for it to be this long. Well, a lot has happened. I am now on CY11 - on June 21st it will be a complete year of trying - joy.

The major news is that I STOPPED TEMPING!!! It is SOOO liberating!!! I can't believe that I have been waking up (or attempting to) at 7 a.m. every morning for MONTHS!!! I'm actually sleeping better - the past few months, I've been waking up at 6:00 a.m. or earlier - Now I'm sleeping in!!!! I gues I was worrying about temping while I slept - yeah, that's healthy!! THis cycle I'm just taking EPO and Vitex and stopping it in a week when I am due to O - I'm not even doign OPKs!!! I am NOT telling DH when I'm Oing.

DH...another story! Last Thursday, June 5th, was our 4 year wedding anniversary. It was a tough day. Here is what happened (as copied from the 7+ board):

Posted: 05 Jun 2003 23:07
Cody got home about an hour and 45 minutes ago. We went to my grandparents and got a gift, went to my parents and got a gift, then we came home. He bought me a card, I gave him a card and little something for our anniversary. He's known for a little over a week that I have something for him for our anniversary - he kept saying, don't buy me anything, we can't afford it. I told him that it was our anniversary and it would be fine. Did he buy me anything??? NOPE!! I am sitting here fighting back the tears. I didn't need something big, just a little something to show he cared - a freakin' CD would have been fantastic! I feel like I'm wrong for feeling this way, but ANYTHING!! He knows how I feel - I can recite back everything I've gotten for birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays since we've been together - it really means a lot to me b/c he picked it out. He's got to know that this would upset me. Yes money is tight but it's not so tight that he couldn't spend fifteen bucks on a flippin' CD.

Man, I feel shallow. And sad.

Posted: 06 Jun 2003 08:43
Aw, you guys - I'm in tears again, and I just don't cry.

After I got offline last night, I mentioned to him how I felt. He called me shallow. Then went on to say that he's super busy and has no time for anything these days. I feel like crap. Found out this morning that he bought the card three blocks from our house last night before he got home. He told me he saw a huge mylar balloon but it was like twelve bucks (too expensive for a balloon) then he saw chocolate, but I can't eat chocolate, then he saw the cash registers and realized he was already late getting home, so just paid for it. He's saying that he's going to cook a really nice steak dinner Saturday night (he feels bad it's not on our anniversary, but at least we're doing it) and that's my gift - gee, giving me something we are doing already (this is how we celebrate our anniversary - we don't go out, we eat a steak dinner with a nice bottle of wine in our home), how flippin' thoughtful.

He also said that if he wasn't working so many hours I might have gotten a little somthing - doubt it. I really don't think he gets it. He even said that he didn't want anything for our anniversary, and doesn't want anything for his birthday (which is the 20th of this month) - of course I already got him something VERY cool (three LP records he had that he got rid of and wished he had kept - not practical, just special for him). When I told him I already got him a gift, he said "I hope you didn't spend more than $10 on it!" He just didn't grow up in a family where they thought of each other on their anniversaries - hell, his step-folks don't even celebrate their own anniversary (I have NO idea when it even is!). My family not only celebrates each other's anniversaries, the couple goes out for dinner and we get each other gifts. He thinks my family are spendthrifts b/c we buy each other nice gifts for birthdays and anniversaries and holidays. I really should add in here that he did spend a LOT of money on really nice jewelry for my birthday this year.

I just can't get it through his head - everything centers around money. We are broke, and it's my fault. I lost my job and I took a job with a huge pay cut so I could be happy at my job (something he's not). To make up for the pay cut, I've had to supplement my income by subbing in the mornings (not easy) and babysitting as needed. It's the summer, so hours are cut b/c a lot of the kids graduate or go on vacation - classes are smaller so there's less need to have all the teachers there we normally have. Plus my private kids I babysit for are going on vacation. I'm posting on Craig's list and on a Bay Area sitters web site to help find more kids. I'm thinking about going into Graphic Design and doing freelance stuff for friends and family on invitations, announcements, menus, business cards, etc. - I even have a friend who will help me with my business plan. I'm going to call invitation and paper stores to see if they have any work where I could learn some techniques and the traide. I'm even looking into going back to school to get a Masters in Special Ed. I'm trying everything I can.

I also know that he's got the weight on his shoulders. We have a whole bunch of money in the bank to pay for repairs on the house (which are starting on Monday). We've been taking from that to pay our bills every month, so now we can't do everything to the house we wanted (new gate, landscaping, new drapes). Once this money is gone to the repairs we have to get done (dryrot work, new roof, new windows installed, fix the stairs) we wont' have any fall back money. Now he's worried he might lose his job in August when his project finals. This is his reasoning for not even spending five dollars on a gift for me. I wrote this to him a few minutes ago:

"I'm sorry that I seem so shallow, it hurts to not be remembered. I know you're super busy at work, I guess I'm just feeling a little forgotten sometimes. I know you're at work for me and us and the house and you feel like everything is laying on your shoulders. You're overwhelmed and for me to get upset over not getting a little something for our anniversary was probably the last thing you needed."

I really can't believe I'm sharing all this online...I feel so exposed. But you guys are family and this is all stuff I would share with my immediate family.

I am so thankful I have you guys to fall back on for support.

Posted: 08 Jun 2003 12:33
Thanks guys - I do feel much better. We did have a nice dinner and it's really the first time in a loooooong time we sat down and talked about anything of substance! We've both been just sooo busy we haven't really talked. He said that he really enjoys these moments, but they're too far and few between. It's true - part of the problem is the damn TV - I'm addicted and LOVE to sit in front of it at night and eat dinner - I don't like having the house quiet when it's just me, and when he's there it's fun to slack and watch TV together. Last night I asked him if he was happy with me/us and we talked it out. We realize that he's just so busy and all of it is to keep us supported that it's hard, but he does love me and us and is fundamentally happy - he is just a negative person at heart. We talked A LOT about that, too!! EVERYTHING he says is negative - when we were talking about the walk I chaired yesterday the first comment out of his mouth were negative ones, and it was only after I reminded/asked him if he was proud of me, if I did a good job that he said off-handedly that he was and I did. Lucky for me I've got my mom and grandma to support me - it just doesn't come naturally to him. He realizes that he is his mother at times and he doesn't like that. He said last night that he got the f'ed up family - I told him that now he has a good family (mine) and to learn and grow from it.

I look at every experience as a positive one - and this can only help him and I grow individually and as a couple. I think you guys are right - he'll think twice about his actions towards me, he already is. I'm just sorry we had to get to this point for him to realize!

I really couldn't have gotten through this sucky time without you all. Thanks!!

__________________________
DH has gotten better just these past few days. He realizes he's being so negative and trying to be better about pionting out the positives.

Saturday was the Crohn's and Colitis Foundation walk - my site raised over $25,000 dollars and the grand total for all three sites is somewhere around $60,000!!! I'm hoping to chair it again next year and start planning earlier and more organized!

On a happier note - I am SOOO happy for my TTC7+ friends who have gotten the BFP!!! There are still a lot of us waiting to go - TAKE US WITH YOU!!!!

Also, to my friend _Hope - You're almost a mommy!!!! I really just can't believe in a few days you'll have your precious little guy in your arms!! I soooo badly want to come up and meet you and your family. I've really enjoyed getting to know you over the past year - I can't believe that I have known you since before you were preggo - that's just so odd to me!!

I PROMISE to try and be more diligent about writing!! OK...off for dinner - it's only 10:15 p.m. here, why would I want to eat any earlier!! :shock: :shock:

-J

Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 46

CY12, CD11, No vitex, No EPO...

Jeez, I haven't posted in awhile!! I've been taking it easy, not temping, charting or anything - just relaxing.

I wasn't going to post this here, but one of the reasons I haven't really been on the boards for awhile is that DH and I are having some issues. Actually, more DH than me - he seems to be going through a bit of a midlife crisis at the age of 33. He's questioning a lot of things and it's really taking a toll on me. I know in the end everything will be fine, but it's just not easy now. I've been saying that my marriage is fine, it's my husband who is falling apart. Actually, he's been really distant from me for awhile and we've decided to seek joint and individual counseling - our first appt. is hopefully next Saturday the 12th. I've realized that he hasn't said he loved me in a long time first and I asked him why and he said b/c he was having a hard time saying it when he wasn't really sure if he meant it. Shit. I told him that I didn't want to say it to him if he felt he needed to reply and not mean it, so I'm not saying it to him - it's killing me. I told him this during our walk on Friday night and I haven't said I Love You to him since - it's felt like a lot longer than two days!! I have whispered it when I see him leave or something, but he hasn't heard me. It's just so hard. I now he loves me, I just hate to see him so unhappy7. The walk was really one of the best things for us - we were able to talk and I told him things I really didn't realize, but I guess were in my subconscious. I just told him what I thougt - Really thought!! I didn't hold anything back. I told him how much I was hurting and my heart was breaking. That was the first time he had tears in his eyes. He's just so tired recently and we don't really get to see each other until late at night (It's Sunday - technically Monday - at 1:10 am. and he's still at work). I never thought I would look so forward to counseling as I do right now. I have felt so numb since our first talk on Saturday, June 28th at 11:45 p.m. It all started b/c I asked him to back the car 2 houses so that he could watch me as I went to my folks house. He refused. This lead into talks and him saying he needs a break to sort things out. He was talking about leaving the house for up to three months. I really don't think I could stand that, but I'm willing to do what it takes to be with him. Man, I can't believe I'm typing all this, but it feels so good to get it out. I know he's confused with work, and finances, and I'm the easy escape route. We are still making love, and hugging, and stuff, so I'm getting some mixed messages. The good thing is that we're TALKING!!!! We haven't had heart to hearts in awhile - I've poured my heart out, but he hasn't reciprocated. I feel like he is now listening to me and taking what I have to say and feel into consideration. That is a nice change. He has been so freaking distant lately - it hurts. It also hurts to see him in so much pain - I don't like that. I have never cried so much as I have this past week.

I really shouldn't be writing this, but I just felt I needed to.

Right now, we are both focussing on releasing weight, eating better, and exercising (went for a 4.5 mile walk on Friday and a 16 mile bike ride today). I am workign on taking care of the issues he has with me - basically not keeping my end of the house clean or taking care of my side of the marriage duties (errands I promised to run). It's basic Bull Shit - the stuff he's mad at me for is so piddly - there are deeper issues he's got to deal with that aren't my fault. I think he's doing the typical blame the one you're with thing. It just doesn't help, it still hurts.

That's about it for me...