In Search of Our First Little Bean-We'd Even Take Two Beans!
Posted: 2002-08-12 22:16
So, I was hoping I would be one of the lucky ones and able to graduate from the TTC board to a prego board on my first cycle, but it doesn't appear to be that way. Right now I'm on CD53 and no end of AF in sight!! I am going to do my 5th HPT tomorrow morning, and if still a BFN, I'll get blood work done by the end of this week. So far, DH and I have interviewed 2 out of 3 OB/GYNs, and the first two have had different opinions on what to do with me. Dr. A was OK, but didn't have a suggestion as to what to do to help AF show up, but did say she would start me on Clomid 3-6 cycles if no luck. Dr. B was OK, and gave me a prescription for Provera to take on CD56 if no AF and BFNs, and then Clomid to help jump start Oing. I don't meet with Dr. C until August 27th (she's on maternity leave - is that a good sign???). Luckily she is someone I have met with in the past for sickness related problems, but never as an GYN; she happens to also be my momm's GYN. I'm hoping everything with her Clicks, and Dr. A, who is in the same office, will be our backup dr. Unfortunately, I need a dr. with good experience with Crohn's and ileostomy patients, cuz that's me.
The other set back to everything is that all my tubes could be jumbled up. After my surgery close to 3 years ago, they said it was a chance. If so, it's a slight procedure to get it corrected.
Right now, the only people who know we're TTC are my friends Valerie (by accident at a party, and her friend Michelle - also at the same party) and my friend Elisa, who is the only Mom I know! My friend Jocie knows, but DH doesn't know I told her, although he keeps asking if I've told her yet - he knows me soooo well!!! We're not going to tell our folks yet b/c they're already badgering us now, just imagine if they knew - YIKES!!!
Anyway, this is my first journal entry, but hopefully not too many more. I have to leave (I'm at work right now), and my folks are waiting for me to head out for dinner.
TTFN - will right more later. Light a candle to help show AF the way...
Still no sign of AF. I was SURE that after all my writing about looking for AF (see "REWARD..." under TTC 0-6 months board) that she'd rear her ugly face, but no luck. I also thought that carrying tampons since July 16th (due on the 18th) would do it, but it hasn't. I guess what I have to do is NOT carry them, then AF will show up. So frustrated.
I lied. I didn't test this morning. I'm going to test tomorrow morning for 2 reasons. It will be CD55 - seems like a nice number. Secondly, my family has a saying "The Sun Always Shines On a Wednesday" - both my brother and I were born on Wednesdays. Just so freakin' frustrated right now. When AF was first late, I had *ALL* the preggo signs: swollen boobs, nauseous, fatigue, swollen belly, peeing constantly. DH and I were CONVINCED I was preggo. It's funny, right around the time of AF and shortly after she was due, I was dreading each trip to the bathroom - I didn't want to see red (TMI - sorry!!!). At some point, it turned from not wanting to see red to hoping for red, because at least then we could start over again. Now I just wanna know.
It's so very frustrating, but at least DH is enjoying himself...hee hee hee. Every other day he reminds me that the doctor told me to "take my prescription" (aka...). The good thing about TTC is that we have gotten closer. I have some health problems which make BDing not always easy/fun/pleasant. For a looong time we went without just b/c I couldn't - I was one sick little chicita. I'm glad to be healthy now, but I'm still worried that my surgery from 3 years ago has wrecked havoc on my tubes...
Well, that's about it from my end. Not much new to say except AF SHOW UP OR TAKE A 9 MONTH VACATION AND BRING ME A PRESENT WHEN YOU RETURN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Another day, another No AF...Getting a bit frustrated, but it's life. Took another HPT this morning, but a BFN. This one almost brought me to tears, but I perservered. :crybaby2: Actually, I didn't even care - how sad is that??? I took it around 7:42 this morning, and decided I wouldn't check it until 8:00 a.m. - the time I had to leave for the office. I knew in my heart of hearts that it would be a BFN. When kissing DH goodbye this morning (he was still in bed sleeping which he usually is, but got home from work at 4:30 a.m b/c he's finaling his project, so he was really tired) he asked me what I got on the test. I told him that if it had ben a BFP, he would have known right away - he said DAMN IT (which was his resonse to the 3 other HPTs and 2 bloodworks - all BFNs). This is difficult. I just want to start a new cycle so that there is hope - I've just wasted technically one cycle waiting for AF to rear her very very ugly face. :violent5: Why can't I be regular and have this be "easy." Yeah, I know - Nothing is EVER easy - if it is, there's got to be something wrong. G-d knows that DH and I getting together was not easy - it took over 7 years for us to get over our school-time crush and just hook up and date/marry/fall in love!!! Please don't let it take that long this time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, what a stressful day :stressedout: - all I wanted to do was crawl under my desk and take a nap. I should be out of here in 40 minutes. I think I'll walk out the door at that point, go home for a walk or ride my bike and go to the market. I need to just relax and get to bed early (b/c DH is finaling his game, I don't fall asleep/go to bed until he gets home - whatever time that is!! Even if I do go to bed, like I did last night at 2:20 p.m., I still don't sleep well) - right now I'm surviving on around 4 hours worth of sleep; not good.
Another really hard thing for me is this Web site. I know it sounds bad, but let me explain. I LOVE this site, and I'm usually really open with things I find with my friends and family. The only problem is that there are so many things I read/find on this site I would want to share with friends/family, but can't b/c NOBODY KNOWS WE'RE TTC!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've almost slipped. It's been hard too b/c I've been calling my drs for blood work/referrals/appts. and my family sees the same drs as me and I've almost told the stuff about the drs that would lead them to realize I've been talking to the drs, which would lead them to ask WHY AM I TALKING TO MY DRS - am I sick??????
Now, on to the BDing issue. Like I said, DH is working screwy hours these days and isn't getting home til at least after 1 a.m. (and I leave for work by 8:00 a.m. and he sleeps in until 10a.m.-12 noon!!!). We were suppossed to BD when he got home which was at 4:30 a.m., but I didn't want to mess with taking the HPT 3 hours later. Hoping we can tonight, b/c there still might be a slllliiiimmmm chance that I could O (cuz I'm not even sure if I ever did!!). AAARRRGGGGGHHHH!!!
Ho, Hum...like I said - never easy. I guess I'll just wait and see what happens...
AF showed up on Thursday and Friday ONLY!!! and very light??? I'm sooo confused. I still feel like she's here. Actually, I think I "smell" AF. I'm sure this sounds REALLY weird, but don't you ever think you can smell stuff going on down there?? OK, so I'm just weird!!! Anyway...I really don't know what's going on with me. I wish there were just easy answers, but then what's the fun in that!?!?!?!!! I'm so very tired - I had a nice a nice looooong weekend. DH's game is finaling so I was able to go visit him for dinner Friday night, we went to a Bat Mitzvah Saturday night, and then brunch on Sunday with a girlfriend who works at his office who I was then going to see a movie with (XXX - What a HOTTIE!!!).
Anyway, I guess DH and I are going back to the drawing board. We joked about buying a BD pillow to use to help his little guys swim upstream - pretty much we'll try anything. I've got to determine when I O, but I'm not even sure if I did last month. Considering it was a 55 day cycle, I have no idea where to search for O. If you have a suggestion, please send me a private message... According to BabyCenter.com, if I have a normal 28 day cycle, then I would O August 30 and September 4th. If I have a 40 day cycle, then I would O between September 11 and 16. According to their calculations, if I have another 55 day cycle I would O between Sept. 26 and October 1st. AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! I can't even imagine waiting that long to O - G-d give me strength!!!! I think I'll start using an OPK next week.
Anyway, time for me to head home, try my Yoga or Pilates videos (please pray for me to start these - I would really like to lose some weight - I'm at 169 and I'm 5'2"!!!) and then cook dinner.
Really nothing new to report. Had a funny conversation with DH last night. I was trying to explain some of the abbreviations here: OPKs, HPTs. I said "Do you know what you are?? A DH" He said "Dumb Idiot" - yeah, cuz that makes sense!!!
Kinda depressed. I'm not sure how long it'll take for us to conceive. I was never regular, and with my ealth concerns I have no idea when (or if) I O! I bought OPKs and like I said, I'll use them around the time I'm suppossed to O according to the calendar. I started a chart on preg.org's site, but I can't figure out how to attach it to my siggy. I also want to create a siggy with a cool background, dollz, and links to my gallery, journal, and chart. I've been emailing somebody who said they would help me out, so we'll see.
I'm getting ready to head out of work tonight and go home to either ride my bike or use my yoga or pilates video. I am really overweight and hate it. The hard thing, is that I can't seem to do anything about it. I try to diet, but I don't loose the weight. I try to exercise, but can never get my *** in gear to do it. I really have no one else to blame but myself. DH lost 25 pounds from April through June/July b/c he had high BP. He looks great, and I look like a fat turd. Nice. He finally gave in and bought me a Hybrid bike, but I've only used it 2x since early-July when we bought it. One of the problems is that it's really hard for me to wake up and go early enough to come home and shower for work. It's also hard to go after work b/c I usually stay late or by the time I get home, it's miserable outside (I like in San Franciso so we have miserable summers here - foggy and cold!). We'll see what I actually get done tonight when I get home.
So, I ddin't work out this weekend, except for Sunday when DH and I walked about 35 blocks roundtrip. I really need to get home and walk/ride my bike/do the pilates video, but that is for my Exercise and Weight Loss Journal...
On the TTC front: If I had a "normal" cycle, this would be O week....AND MY FOLKS ARE STAYING WITH US FOR 7-14 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!! And our bed squeaks I guess we'll have to find other "creative" ways of .... I am going to start using OPKs this cycle to try and determine a better time of Oing, but I'm not sure when to start testing b/c of my irregular cycles. I guess I'll start tonight or tomorrow night and go from there....
Just got a call from my mom, not great news. She might have Fibroid Tumors - the same thing she had when she had me. They fixed her uterus so that she could have another baby (my brother). This could be bad for me. I have a feeling that my mom knows we're TTC, and keeps telling me these things so that I'm aware of what's going on with me without telling me she knows we're TTC - confusing???
I must say that I've been rather sad all weekend. Don't get me wrong, I had a great weekend, but Sharon's (NomiMom) news was really sad and I feel for her. I know how much she and DH want another baby and this just breaks my heart. She's been in my thoughts and prayers since I found out last week.
I guess this is all for me. If I could just figure out how to us the bloody Ovulation chart here, I might be able to add it to my signature...
Well, BDing has been interesting. My folks moved in on Sunday for anywhere between 7 and 14 days (hoping more like 10, but I doubt it) while they have some work/painting done on their house. We BD Sunday morning, Monday night, and will again tonight. It's kinda weird to have my folks 1)living with us, and 2) in the other room at MY house while we BD!!! Luckily they don't know we're TTC, otherwise I don't think I could BD!!! It would be too weird to know that they're in the other room, probably thinking that we're right then!! EWWWWWW!!!!
Anyway, today will be my first time trying an OPK. I'm leaving work in a few minutes to go home, ride my bike, pee on the stick, then do the pilates video. The important thing is that I haven't had a sip of water since 3:50 p.m. and can't until after I pee!! I had slight cramping just below my rib cage...I wonder if that's O cramps...
Anyway, relations with DH are good. He sent me an email today that said:
We have a ton my dearest pillow propped shmoopy.
He's such a goof!!! We started using a pillow under me while BD to help his guys make it upstream.
Yesterday we met with my NEW OB/GYN!!!!! I'm SOOOOO realived that we finally found one who has experience with Crohn's and ileostomy patients. It will really be a relief. She also thinks that if I don't get pregnant this cycle, then we're going to do an HSG next cycle to make sure that everything is working right since my surgery. That's a bit nerve wracking, especially since Jaime Lynn (navygirldoc1) had one and said it was really painful. I've been through my fair share of pain, and don't need any more, thank you. But, I guess I'll be in for pain at childbirth, so why not what it takes to GET to childbirth?? Still a bit nervous and really hoping for a BFP so I don't even have to do the HPT. Wishful thinking....
My new doc also thinks I should see a nutritionist b/c folks with ileostomies tend to have a hard time retaining nutrients from food (luckily I'm already on a prenatal viatmin). Too know more about my dieting, you can check out my diet & exercise journal, How did this happen???.
Anywho, that's about it for me. It's about 6 p.m. here and I still want to log in my diet & exercise journal.
Another day, another ! So far I have taken 2 OPKs, and both have been BFNs. Here's a post I made on the TTC 0-6 board:
So far neither my dad nor mom (nor any family member) know we're TTC. My folks moved in last Sunday, and are staying with us for 7-14 days (I'm guessing more likely 10-14). Anyway, when I went home to test on Wednesday, and my dad and mom were out for dinner, so testing wasn't a problem. I went to the kitchen got a glass to pee in so I could dunk the test in there. Then I went to the kitchen scubbed the H&LL out of the glass and left it to dry.
Last night when I got home, my dad was there. I went to the kitchen to get the same glass I peed in the night before to pee in again, and my dad had just picked it up to pour his iced tea in. I couldn't help but laughing. I know this sounds kinda gross, but I did clean the glass 3-4 times, really well. Anyway, I still needed a glass to pee in, but why am I taking an empty glass from the kitchen into the bathroom with me?? So I poured water in it and walked back to our bedroom. DUMMY ME!! The glass has to be clean and dry. TOOL - so I dump the water in the bathroom sink and head back to the kitchen. By this time, my dad has made it back to their room with the door closed. I sneak back into the kitchen, clean and put that glass in the rack to dry, and make my way downstairs to get plastic disposable cups. Made my way to the bathroom, peed in the cup, dunked the test, and then went to wait, this time bringing the test with me into our bedroom. So, now what do I do with the cup??? This whole TTC/OPK testing with my folks staying with us is driving me mad?!?!?!?!?!!! Needless to say, I really hope my mom doesn't go snooping around and find my stash of OPKs, HPTs, and in a Target bag the used OPKs and wrappers along with a very well cleaned out platic disposable cup.
AAARRRGGGHH!!!! I really hope I O soon, so I don't have to keep up these shenanigans!!
If we don't laugh, we cry.
I just wish I had a normal cycle so it was easier/more predictable to know when I O'd so that we had better chances. We really want a baby (and by we I mean EVERYONE I KNOW!!!! ); we want to start our family, be "adults" (like that's really gonna happen, even if we have a dozen babies!
Last night I cried my eyes for a whole hour. On ABC there was a show on the babies whose fathers died in the 9/11 tragedy. I'm trying to add a link, but abcnews.com is down...I'll try to remember to do it later. My mom came home 15 minutes in to it and sat on my bed and watched with me. I really wanted to absorb it alone, but how can I tell my mom to go away - especially since she'd have to watch the MTV Video Music Awards with my dad! It was so sad - there were 53 babies who lost 51 dads (2 sets of twins). 3 babies were born on 9/14. The saddest thing I heard was that all a mother wanted was the picture of her baby lying on the chest of her DH. Boy was I balling my eyes out!! When asked what was the hardest part of this, ALL the women said that coming home to an empty house - no DH/Father was there to greet them/the new baby. I'm close to crying while I type this. I can't even imagine what I would do if something happened to DH, let alone be pregnant with our baby and something happens. I would be devastated. One woman just couldn't bring herself to get rid of his clothes: they're still hanging in the closest, and his socks are still folded in his drawer. She said if she doesn't get rid of them, then it's not like he's gone for good. Broke my heart in two. They're such strong women, I just don't think I would have it in me. Who would be there to hold my hand while I'm in labor? Who would hold the video camera, take the first picture of me with baby? Who would take care of baby and let me sleep? OK, now I've done it, I'm crying, and I'm still at work - not cool Jill!
Anyway, looking forward to a nice LOOOONG weekend with DH. It's 4 p.m. and I'm off in an hour, but was trying to leave by now; out of 8 of us, there are only 2 of us still here (5 were on vacation, and one left early). I just found out that I've got to stay at least until 5 p.m. to work on new attorney resumes. G-d it just pisses me off that everyone else is off having a jolly old time, and I'm stuck back working. This always seems to be the way... well, I guess I should stop writing this jouranl and get back to work...
Well...last night was one wild night for DH and I!!! Lately I guess it seems like we've been for BDing, and not for enjoying each other. We really took time for each other.
I used another OPK last night and still a BFN, so I don't think I have O'd yet, and if AF shows up in the next 10 days, I fear I won't O this cycle. If I do get AF this cycle, then I'm going in for an HSG (I think that's right).
Anyways, I haven't written in quite some time. We've been BDing as usual, and I've been using the OPKs, but nothing has really changed. I did just receive my TCOYF book, so I'll start that sometime this weekend (hopefully after my folks have gone back home!) :read2:
I have a feeling that this just isn't going to be our cycle. If that's the case, I will start charting my temps, and hopefully after the HSG will get on Clomid. I have heard that some women get the HSG and that then they become pregnant...I can hope, can't I?? :happy7:
Anyway, I think I've discovered the problem to my weight gain...SWEETS!!! I have officially had my last roll of Smarties today. I am NOT going to buy more. I have heard that people who were overweight and TTC, have lost weight and got pregnant right away. I hope that's not the case for me b/c I would need to loose about 25-30 pounds to get somewhat in a good range (I'm 5'2" and I weigh 172). Tonight I'm getting a quesadilla, though....Hmmm...
Hope all are doing well, and those with the 2WW aren't stressing too hard - that's the hardest part - waiting.
Why is it that everything we see and do revolves around a family and me getting pregnant. IT seems like everywhere I turn their are either young families (around our age) or women who are pregnant. This is soooo very frustrating. Especially when last weekend my 24 or 25 year old cousin, who got pregnant when she was 19 and got married to the father of the baby one week before her baby shower at 7 1/2-8 months pregnant, is trying for #2 (tells you in one breath and in the next says how she's divorcing her DH!!!), tried for TWO months to get pregnant, then gave up AND GOT PREGNANT RIGHT OFF THE BAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!! AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The sad thing is that they just don't have a lot of money, and I don't think she really even loves her DH all that much, but then again, who am I to say - I only see them a few times a year.
Anyway, I've been using the OPKs, first I tried First Response, then when those ran out I started using Clear Plan Easy, which let me tell you is NOT easy. :sad1: I started getting faint lines that kept getting darker with the 1st response and really thought I was close to Oing. Then when I ran out, I tried the CPE (which I've done twice - Thursday and Saturday) and the first one had a REALLY faint line, and the second one had NO line I'm just about ready to give up. Just last night DH said that everybody seems to get pregnant once they give up....how can I "give up" when we're still trying and still not have it consume me?????
My folks are still staying with us (probably through the end of this week - joy), and I've been complaining about our comforter (we've had it for 4 years and it's got a pen stain on it and it's a bit torn - basically it's seen better days). My mom just bought a new set of comforters and really wanted to buy us one in thanks for letting them stay with us; also cuz she knows DH is REALLY cheap and won't buy one now. So, how do we divert my mom from spending $100 on a set that we probably will only use for 6-12 months??? Reason: we want to upgrade our bed to an Eastern King (it's the same length as a queen, but it's about 6-10 inches wider), but that means spending up to about $5,000 - $1,700 on a bedframe (which we REALLY like and are worried it will be discontinued soon) and $1,00 - 2,500 on a matress (depends if we get a really good store bought or an European SleepWorks) and all new bedding. :sad1: Plus, it doesn't help that DH is a flip-flopper...he can NEVER make a spur of the moment decision and IT DRIVES ME INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Once I know all the circumstances, I can decide right away. We want/need to build a room downstairs, and really need to do this once our first baby arrives. This will cost about $20,000, and we hope to do this next summer or so. The problem is that we will need every little penny in our savings account that we made from selling our old house and buying the new one we're in right now (well, not that new - it was built in the 40s). I mean, I KNOW his folks would either lend us $5,000 or give it to us as a gift for the house (they REALLY want us to build the room downstairs and are even going to donate some time and energy to helping out.) AND DH doesn't want to buy the bed until I'm pregnant (but if we get the European SleepWorks bed that's custom fit to your body, how can they take those measurement while I'm pregnant - maybe we can do it before...) - he wanted to wait until I was pregnant before buying me a new, bigger, family car/SUV, but we saw the Lexus RX300 and HAD to have it - it was a gem of a car and in perfecct condition. So, after goign to Bed Bath & Beyond and finding a beautiful set, then to Target, I finally had to explain to my mom that we're thinking about upgrading our bed b/c it's already squished with the two of us (and Cody being a tosser) and our two cats who sleep with us. I think she got the hint. If only we could find a nice quality comforter ONLY (no dust ruffle and pillow shams) that was about $50-60 - then I could be happy with it for a few months, and use it even after we got rid of our Queen bed. Oh, WHY CAN'T THINGS EVER BE EASY.
I guess I'm just having a really hard time right now. I have little faith that I Ovulated this month (AGAIN) which means the HSG for me. I have a BAD feeling that everything is screwed up for me with my tubes and all. I am just not feeling too UP right now. Plus there really isn't anybody I can talk to, besides DH. I can sorta talk to one of my girlfriends, but she's never been pregnant nor is she TTC. Humph. :sad5:
I guess I'm just really frustrated. I'm 29 years old, I'm not getting any younger; DH is 32 and also not getting any younger. All we really want is a baby in our lives. DH will make a FANTASTIC father - when we're around other kids, he's just so kind and sweet and loving. I know he has his doubts b/c of what his parents (mainly dad) did (or didn't do) to him, but I have the utmost faith in him. Then days like yesterday when we went to a city street arts & crafts fair, we were standing behind a woman and a boy - the boy was deaf. Turns out she's his step mother and he's a great kid. I started talking to her a bit about signing b/c I went to school to learn ASL to work with deaf children. It really got me to thinking how much I just miss teaching and working with kids. At Rosh Hashannah services Friday night/Saturday morning, I didn't recognize ONE CHILD UNDER 10!!! I taught there for 10 years, and left about 6 years ago. I can't believe how much I utterly miss teaching. It hurts my heart. I would love to go and teach in a deaf school or even more so in a not-so-severly autistic school (I also did this while in LA).
I guess the theme of this post is WOAH IS ME. I feel better after typing all this out (even though I'll be late for work now ), but it still doesn't get me past WHAT TO DO FOR THE BED???