So after much thought and the kind suggestion of a friend, I've decided to take the leap and start a TTC Journal.
I may eventually make this a private journal and give access to my friends, but that decision will come on another day.
I currently have a private blog that I'm going to copy and past from just to get everything in one place. So bear with me as I make some older posts.
Last edited by Ump'sWife; 03-24-2008 at 06:22 PM. Reason: To change the title!!!
Dani & Allie
Never in my dreams did I think I would say that I breastfed for 2 years and 3 months.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. - Samuel Johnson
Original post date 10/21/06:
I got pregnant in late September/early October and just as soon as it had started it was over. We think it was a "chemical pregnancy", but it was over so quickly that there wasn't a chance to go to the doctor.
Like that is supposed to make me somehow feel better about the loss. I sort of lost it for a little bit at that point to be quite honest. We have been trying to have a second child since April, 2006. We were pretty excited when we found out about the pregnancy. Unfortunately for reasons I won't know while I'm here on this Earth, God decided that this wasn't the right time.
Original post date 01/10/07:
I've tested on 3 of the last 4 days and they have all been BFN.
I'm 11 DPO right now and my luteal phases at the most are only 12 days and I got my BFP with my DD at this point when I was pregnant with her and when I had my positive test in October.
I have another test that I will take on Saturday if AF doesn't show up on Friday, but at this point I'm just trying to get myself adjusted to the fact that although everything in my chart and timing seemed to be right this wasn't our cycle yet again.
We've been trying hard since April 22, 2006 (that is the first day of the first cycle I resumed heavy charting before that we just weren't doing anything to prevent or actively trying) and I've had 11 cycles in a little over 8 months. If AF shows I will call my doctor on Monday and try to get in for an appointment prior to my annual exam in March so I can maybe get some answers as to what is going on.
At this point I'm so frustrated. I never in my wildest dreams thought that it would be this big of a production to have a second child. Matt tells me it is stress and I just need to relax. But it is hard to relax when all I see around me are people pregnant for the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc time. People who barely tried at all are getting pregnant. People who didn't try at all are pregnant. Why can I not get pregnant? The timing was perfect this cycle (I can't even say month because some months I have two visits from the witch) yet still no pregnancy.
Who knows what the doctor will say. I like him, but I've never talked to him about this problem. My old doctor would have told me to wait a few more months until I had been actively trying for a year. But I ain't getting any younger so that answer will not do right now.
I just want answers. If I can't have anymore children, if that is what God plans for me, I can accept that. BUT I want to know that for a fact. This uncertainty is what is killing me. The not knowing is the hardest part. If someone would just tell me what the problem is then I can learn to deal with it. I know I'm not supposed to question God or his plans, but I can't figure out why he has given me all this love in my heart for children and then only blessed me with my perfect little girl. And why did I have that chemical pregnancy? What have I done in my life that was so wrong that my punishment should equal an unviable pregnancy?
Don't get me wrong. I am VERY GRATEFUL for all the gifts that God has bestowed on me and my family. My little girl is the light of my life. I would not trade her for all the money in the world or for one hundred other children. I just want her to be a big sister. I know that she would be so good at it. She loves little babies and other kids so much. She would be a great big sister.
There is still time for this cycle. But I'm not holding my breath.
Original post date 01/26/07:
I'm bummed because it looks like I haven't O'd yet this cycle.
I've been reading TCOYF like a mad woman and according to it, it isn't uncommon to have no O'ing or a delayed O'ing when you are under a high amount of stress. Which I have been this cycle.
My temps have been all over the place. The trip to Texas didn't help with the time change and Matt and I trying to hide all my charting stuff (thermometer, TCOYF book, fertility monitor, fertility monitor test sticks, etc) so that we didn't get a hundred questions from his mom and brother and SIL. I've had two big dips in temps and each time I thought I had O'd. FF hasn't given me crosshairs yet but I suppose I could get them tomorrow depending on my temp at that point.
I'm just bummed in general about this whole process. I'm bummed that my insurance will only cover $2000 in fertility treatments over my whole lifetime so in-turn I have to wait until my annual exam in March to talk to my doctor so as to kill two birds with one stone so to speak and be able to get at least one fertility appointment past the insurance company as something else. I'm bummed that I have to keep going to court to represent women who don't deserve the children I am ethically obligated to fight for them to get back all the while I struggle to get pregnant with another child. I'm bummed that Dani falls in love with babies everytime we are out and she sees the child of someone we know and yet I for whatever reason can't make her a big sister.
Part of me just wants to throw my thermometer, chart and monitor out the window, throw caution to the wind and just have sex like rabbits. But then I think that if I throw out my chart I have nothing to show to my doctor.
Original post date 01/27/07:
FF is saying that I "possibly O'd around day 14". My CM pattern doesn't support that conclusion thought according to them so I only got a dashed line instead of a solid line for my cross-hairs. Ugh. This cycle is definitely the weirdest by far.
I wish I could get my appointment moved up to February, but unfortunately my insurance will only pay for one annual exam every twelve months and my last one was in March 2006 so I have to wait until it has been 12 months and 1 day if I want insurance to pay for it.
Original post date 02/04/07:
Damn it. My past two cycles have been 23 days long and this last luteal phase was only 9 days long. I *thought* stress was supposed to make your cycles longer not shorter.
Is it March 20th yet? This is really starting to mess me and my head.
Original post date 02/20/07:
I had my three month asthma and allergy checkup today and turns out that I have a really nasty sinus infection (the doctor's exact words were "it has gotten you really good") and fluid in both ears. Lovely.
I told her that I haven't felt good in several months and that's why I hadn't had my allergy shots in several months. She said that by the looks of things I've had this infection for awhile and that is why I have been feeling so out of whack. She gave me some anitbiotics and scheduled me a follow up for three weeks. She told me that we would redo everything at that appoitment and see if I could restart my allergy shots at that point.
Knowing all this has now got me wondering how much this infection has affected my TTC journey. I'll definitely be talking to my other doctor about this on the 20th of next month.
Original post date 02/27/07:
The witch showed.
Blah. I'm having a beer to relax a little.
My doctor's appointment is in 21 days. Maybe I can get a BFP that morning and turn it into a confirmation of pregnancy appointment.
Original post date 03/12/07:
This past Wednesday (the 7th) I woke up feeling sick to my stomach. Then I started getting sick. I was so sick on Wednesday that I threw up 10 times in 4 hours. Turns out I somehow got the norovirus which is a nastier than the flu bug this year. Matt and Daniella both had it too, but somehow I got it the worst of everyone. I've been home from work since then. I have to go back tomorrow afternoon to deal with four hearings.
And of course this happens during the time when I should be ovulating. I'd like to know just exactly what I did over the last 31 1/2 years to warrant this kind of kharma during my TTC #2 journey.
Original post date 03/18/07:
My monitor has been super screwy this month. I have had "high" readings on just about every test. lol I'm actually nervous about Tuesday. I'm in that mode where I want to know what is up but the thought of what all it actually could be has me wanting to just hide somewhere. Crazy huh?