Well, this is the beginning of my TTC journal, but certainly not the beginning of my TTC journey. It has been a very long road, and most days, there seems to be no end in sight. But, against all odds, we still keep hoping and trying.
Marc and I got married back in 1996, but decided to hold off on starting a family until we got a little more financially stable. Then, in 1998, I got a new job with an airline, so we waited for one more year after that so that I could get through my probation period. January 1st, 1999 was our starting date, and I was so excited!! We had been married almost three years, were only 32 years old and so ready for a family. I even remember telling my mother during our New Year's phone call that 'this is theyear I'm getting pregnant'. She laughed and wished me luck.
In July of that year, just six months after we'd started trying, I found out that I was indeed pregnant. I remember that the second line of the HPT was faint, but it was there. I couldn't stop smiling!! We called our families and gave them the good news, and my mother said, 'you said you were going to get pregnant and you did. Good for you!!'. We felt so pleased with ourselves. We automatically went into pregnancy mode. I had already given up smoking, coffee and alcohol when I first started to suspect, and Marc became very protective - making sure that I was eating right while on the road, getting enough sleep, etc. I didn't have any m/s, but then, neither did any of the women in my family, so I figured that I was being blessed for having the same genes.
Mom came up to visit during the first week of August, and she was as excited as we were. She already had two grandsons from one of my sisters....she was so happy that it was our turn. She was as bad as Marc, making me lie down in the afternoon and such, but that was okay. I was going to do everything right for this baby. We'd go out shopping, and Mom would want to buy stuff for me. But, I was too superstitious - I wanted to get past my first trimester first before I started buying things. But, it was still lots of fun to look around at everything with her.
Then, the morning of August 4th, I got up and I noticed a little stitch in my right side. I didn't think anything of it, and went out to the kitchen to have breakfast with Mom. The stitch got a little stronger, and I got this urge to go the bathroom. Not to pee.....just to wipe. Sounds strange, I know....it's the way that I feel when AF is one her way. I need to check. Anyway, the first time around, there was just a little bit of red on the toilet paper. My heart jumped, but I didn't panic. A little while later, I went back to the bathroom. This time, there was quite a bit of blood, and it was bright red. I yelled out for Mom, told her I was bleeding and started to cry. Mom, who normally is the over-emotional one in our family, took charge right away and told me to get dressed.....we were going to Emerg. All the way there, I just kept going over in my mind: 'what did I do wrong'? I was totally blaming myself for anything that might happen.
We got to the hospital at about 10:30 (amazing the details that can stay with you), and I took turns with Mom trying to get in touch with Marc who was at work. After a while, the pain started getting worse and worse, so Mom took over the calling. I'd also gone to the bathroom a couple of times, and noticed really big clots in the toilet. I just knew that this baby wasn't staying, but I guess I was blocking that out because I remember thinking that if I stayed still, it might be okay. They got a bed for me to lie down, and gave me heated blankets because I was shivering. The pain just came in waves.
Mom had finally been able to get Marc, and when he showed up, his expression was the worst I'd ever seen. I hope I never have to see that look again. He sat by me and held my hand while I coped with the pain, and when the doctor finally arrived, Marc was there by my side. The doctor finally told me what I already knew, and he was so very kind about it. I cried and cried. The doc told me that it wasn't anything that I'd done wrong - these things happen for any number of reasons. He said that once my body settled back to normal, there was no reason that we couldn't go on to have a healthy pregnancy. It had, after all, happened so many times before. He sent me for an u/s just to make sure that everything was out, and then, we went home at about 6:00.
As soon as we got home, Mom sent me to bed and said that she would make the necessary phone calls to our family. Marc came in and lay down with me and comforted me. I was so drained. I think I was numb. All I could think of was that our baby was gone. The next week was a blur. I just stayed in a shell for a bit, trying to get used to the fact that our dreams were going to have to be put on hold for a bit.
Anyway, the years started to pass by with no babies. Marc and I started to go through a battery of testing - him for a SA, me for everything else. A laparoscopy showed some blockage, but the OB/GYN was able to take care of that, and a hysteroscopy showed all clear. Then, when we moved to BC, my new OB/GYN sent me for bloodwork and a HSG. Again, everything was good. As she put it, 'on paper, you're perfect'. So, why the hell am I not getting pregnant? I've been temping and charting for the last year or so, so I've been able to pinpoint my O days. It has gotten very stressful so many times, tho', and sex has lost a lot of its spontanaeity. I've also gone through three rounds of Clomid with no luck. I don't care to repeat that just because all it did was make me very moody and very depressed. Marc wasn't very happy during those cycles, either, and with good reason. So, right now, we're technically not trying. I'm still temping and watching my chart to see what's happening. Marc has only asked once if it was 'that time', but I just said 'no'. Sex is so much better now, and so much more fun and relaxed. We're not stressing out and we've gotten close again. That's good enough for me right now.
As it stands now, I don't think I've O'd yet, even tho' I'm on CD22. I've been dealing with a lot of pain from a pinched sciatic nerve, so I'm thinking that my O has been delayed. I'll keep watching, and who knows? Maybe we just might be able to catch the right day and end up with a Christmas baby. That, to me, would be the absolute best gift we could ever give each other. I'm not a praying person, but I have told God that if He could just give me one healthy child, I wouldn't wish or ask for another. I'd be content.
That's it for my first entry. My entries from here on in should be shorter.
So, my temp shot up this morning, but I missed yesterday's. According to the info that I had, Ovusoft put my O date as April 4th which was a day on which we hadn't had sex. There goes my hope for a Christmas baby. I got all messed up this month with this stupid sciatica. It's really getting me down, much more than TTC ever did. First off, I O'd much later this month, and I think it's because I've been in so much pain. Also, I haven't really told Marc that I've still been 'trying'. A couple of times, he asked me if it was 'that time', and I just said 'no'. Actually, things were so much more relaxed this month, which was great. But, still, our timing was off. Now, Marc is supposed to be going to sea for the next six weeks, so there's another cycle blown. Oh my.....somedays I wonder if something/someone is working against me. It should not be this hard.