I need to vent. I started posting on the June birth board. It's uncharacteristically optimistic of me, I know. But I thought that it would be helpful to join a group of women goign through the same 2WW anxiety as I am, and if I do happen to get pg, I want to get to know these women very well from the beginning, because we wil be going through a lot together! And I know I will need lots of support if I get pg- I will be paranoid about another m/c. Anyway, I don't want to say anything that might be interpreted as negative about the board (because it is a great board! everyone is so supportive and nice!), but I really feel like I don't fit in. I mean seriously. I'm starting to think it was a mistake even posting there. If it wasnt' for Jaime also trying for a June baby, I think I might leave the board. They are all SUPER nice people, don't get me wrong, but aside from Jaime, Jodi, myself, and maybe another person, no one has really experienced infertility. I didn't think that was a big deal, and at first it was nice to be in a place where everyone was hopefully expecting their BFP's. But for most of them it wasn't "if" they get pg, but "when" they get pg. I'm just not in their league. It was nice to pretend I was, but I feel like a fake. For example, there is this really sweet girl who is really young and is TTCing with her boyfriend. But she doesn't want to go for a blood test because she doesnt' want her dad to read his insurance report and know she got a pg test. Her situation is SO different than mine that although she is a sweet girl, I cant' even relate to her situation and I feel like I'm not being a positive source of support for her. I jsut can't explain it- I feel like I don't belong on the birth board. Maybe *IF* I get pg (and that's a big *IF*) I will feel differently. But for now I think I might not post there anymore- I'm not sure.
Maybe it's the Clomid making me depressed, I don't know. I'd like to blame the Clomid for everything that's wrong with me right now, LOL!
Copied form the TTC 1-2 years board:
I had the worst night last night! At 3:30 am, Dante, my boston terrier - pit bull mix woke me up to go outside, as he usually does. I let out all 3 of the dogs, and went to the bathroom. Two minutes later I came out and opened the door to let the dogs in, and Cali came running in like she was frightened, and Riley wouldn't come in because he was fascinated with what Dante was doing. Just about the same time I smelled this horrible stench and my eyes started watering, I say my poor fuzzy little man Dante shaking his head violently and foaming at the mouth and trying to puke. I shut the door, knowing that he had been sprayed by a skunk!!!
I got DH out of bed, and we managed to figure out that Riley hadn't been sprayed, so we got him inside, then I made a trip to the 24 hour supermarket for 2 cases of tomato juice. I had to soak my poor baby in gallons of the stuff and shampoo him and hose him off (twice, because he ran away and rolled around in dirt after the first time). Then I had to hose myself off, come inside and strip- I put everything right in the washer, grabbed soem tomato juice, and headed off to the shower myself. By about 6 am all of the excitement was over, but sitting here now at work,. I wonder if I still smell a little like skunk- I got so much of that smell up my nose that everything smells like skunk to me right now!
CD 22 / 5 DPO.
So my temp went back up again this mornign which made me happy, but really I know it's probably because I temped a little later than usual. But I'm trying not to obsess- I need to remind myself.
Tomorrow is my 31st Birthday. My birthday is going to be kinda low-key this year- which is fine with me. The lab went to lunch yesterday at Madras Masala for some yummy indian food in celebration of my birthday, and the girls got me a gift- it was so cute and I was really surprised because we don't usually get gifts for the other lab members- so it made me feel special.
DH is going to be out of town this weekend on an archeology diving trip. I can't be mad at him for it- it is a great opportunity for him- I just wish it wasn't THIS weekend- especially since my birthday is on a saturday this year- it figures. But he is taking me out tonight- I don't know where. The only think I told him I wanted for my birthday this year (besides a baby- that's always a given!) was for him to take me out for the evening without me having to plan the whole thing myself. That's what usually happens, and I wanted everything to just be a surprise tonight.
Tomorrow my friend Lisa is taking me out for lunch and then probably to a movie- the rest of my birthday weekend will be spent doing chores and working on job applications. But I'm actualy looking forward to making progress with that stuff- the stress of not having it done is weighing on me.
We have been TTCing for 3 years- since I was on the verge of turning 28. I'm turning 31 tomorrow, and birthdays are now a reminder that we are still childless. All I really want every year for my birthday is a baby, and we aren't even pg. It's just hard. I wonder how many more birthdays I will have, just celebrating with DH. It's a reminder that my life isn't where I wanted it to be at this point, and then I start thinking about other things besides having a family that aren't the way I wanted them to be. Like my relationship (or lack thereof) with my sister. I don't even know where she and my neice are, let alone know how to contact them. But that was her choice- not that it makes it hurt any less.
And my weight. Always, my weight. I'm nearing an all-time high, and I'm bordering on unhealthy. My blood pressure has gone up, and I am definitley not in the shape I want to be in when I eventually get pg. Ironically, it has been the stress of TTCing, largely (no pun intended) that has caused most of my stress-eating- a horrible habit of mine. And every new diet or excercise plan I embark on seems to begin in my mind as, "If I'm not pg this cycle..., or after the 2WW" because I don't want to drastically reduce my calorie intake or kill myself on the excercise bike "if I might be pg". Ha. They all seem like dumb excuses now, because in the last 3 years I've only actually gotten pg twice, and missed numerous opportunities to start a healthier lifestyle that I could be benefitting from now. Actually, since I started the South Beach diet I'm eating much healthier. I'm not sticking rigorously to the diet plan, but I'm eating salads for lunch instead of take-out, and I have been shopping a lot healthier. I haven't lost much weight, but I feel better. Maybe this is the beginning of a new me.
If we don't get pg this cycle or in the next couple rounds of IUI, we're takign a break from TTC (or at least serious TTCing) for a long while. I won't go so far as to use birth control, but I'm not goign to do any more IUIs or go onto IVF. Hopefully, if I get a job, we wil be moving at the end of next summer, and I don't want to be on maternity leave during my first year on a new job. I probably won't chart, and I may even restrain myself from taking OPKs. Yeah right- we'll see. And in this perfect scenario I can focus on my marriage, my job, and losing weight. Then we can do IVF after that. Well, that's my plan, at least. Idealistic, but I need SOME sort of plan to work with for now.
CD 26, 9 DPO.
I took a dollar tree test yesterday just to diffuse some of my anxiety over this 2WW, and of course it was BFN. I'm not really feeling pg, but I'm not really feeling like AF is on the way, either. I went to the chart gallery on FF and overlayed my chart with every pregnancy chart that looked remotely like mine- that was entertaining- if you have a spare hour, I highly recommend it!
I'm trying to distract myself from what's going on in my life right now. DH and I had a fight/talk/argument whatever you want to call it last night, and it didnt' go well. But the thing is with DH is that he's the kind of person that takes out his frustrations on others around him, and so it's hard to tell when he's upset if I've upset him, or he's upset about something completely unrelated. So last night he basically told me that he's unhappy in our relationship. I'm not overly happy either, but there are good times and bad times to every relationship. I have been really stressed out lately with the Clomid and the IUI, not to mention my nationwide job search and my father's cancer this summer, oh yeah and my surgery and those miscarriages I've had in the last few months. So I've been a little emotional, a little irrational, and I've needed support. Apparently DH just can't give that to me right now and I'm just dragging him down. We went to therapy today and it was really hard to hear soem of the things that were said, and how hopeless DH is. I love him more than anything and I can't even say that he feels the same way about me anymore. My whole life is in upheaval and I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the gut.
Our therapist said to give each other space for a while so that's what we're doing- each of us will also be going to therapy alone. I'm going to work and counting down my 2WW pretending like I might actually have a husband to go home to at the end of the day- it's the only way I can keep from crying all the time- jsut pretend like everything is normal. But inside I'm terrified that after all this he might actually decide that he does want out of this relationship. I just don't know what I would do or how I would go on- he is the love of my life, and all I want more than anythign is for us to be happy and have a family. Is he frustrated because we havent' been able to have a family? Is he upset that I focus so much on it? I don't know- I am just beginning to get at everything he's been feeling inside. I feel like such a horrible wife for not knowing sooner that he was unhappy- but it's not for lack of trying- he just doesn't like to open up...
I am going to start bawling at work, so I need to get back to my work and the security of my routine. I may just delete this post.
Copied from TTC 1-2 years board:
Some of you may have read my TTC journal recently- and if you have, you know that DH and I are having some serious problems. I'm not sure that they can be fixed- I want to work things out, but DH is not convinced that he wants to stay with me. It's really hard to hear from the person that you love more than anything or anyone else in the world that they don't feel the same way about you, and that's pretty much the way things stand right now. I feel so horrible now about pushing so hard to fulfill my dream of having a family- even though he said that's what he wanted too, I don't think he was prepared for the TTC rollercoaster we embarked on and it really took its toll on him. I guess with my depression from my miscarriages and everythign else, I just haven't been a fun person to be around. I am just so devastated- it's like my entire life has changed overnight. Yesterday DH stopped wearing his wedding ring and he is now sleeping on the couch. I can't imagine my life without this man, and he is breaking my heart. I don't know if our marriage can be saved- and although I shouldn't even be thinking about this right now, I'm not sure I will ever get to be a mom.
I'm sorry for the depressing post- I just wanted to explain why I might not be around much. Obviously, I will no longer be TTCing- but I will try to catch up with everyone and offer support when I can- I know I won't be able to completely stay away. Thanks for being there for me- I value each and every one of you ladies- you are wonderful people and wonderful friends.