Well, this weekend was hard. Friday night/Saturday DH and I had a long talk about his job, TTCing, finances, moving in the next 2 years- basically all of the stressful topics that we usualy argue about. We resolved some things, but he is still in a pretty crappy mood- I doubt that will change until something happens with his work situation. But we enjoyed some much needed couple time on Saturday after the big talk- we went out to lunch and drove around and rented movies and just took it easy. We took the dogs for a walk too- it felt good being able to get some exercise and be outside. It is warming up around here!
Saturday I felt headachey, but I just took my Maxalt and I felt better. Sunday I woke up with a doozie of a migraine. I took a Maxalt, and went back to sleep. Woke up 2 hours later, took another Maxalt, and laid down to watch TV. 3 hours later my head was starting to get worse after some temporary relief from the second Maxalt dose, so I took out the big guns- I gave myslef an Imintrex shot. That usually does it. I laid down until 7 pm when DH got homw from work. I felt like crap when I got up. He warmed up some chili for dinner and I took another Maxalt. In about an hour I felt human again. Not good, but human. I HATE wasting a weekend-day to a migraine!!!!!!
My first issue of Conceive Magazine came in the mail Saturday. YAY!!! It was great- right up my alley. I'm trying to get DH to read it- I think he think's it's a little too girly for him. But i would love for him to be a little more involved in this TTC process, except for his monthly "deposits", YKWIM??? ANyway, on earticle really hit home. It was about the proper weight to be to conceive and carry a healthy pregancy to term. I've known that if you are overweight, the extra fat-soluble hormones in your system can prevent you from ovulating. But I thought since I ovulate every month and my Dr. said my 8 DPO progesterone level was okay, that I was fat but "lucky" not to have it affect my fertility. I didn't realize that even though I am ovulating, I might not be ovulating strongly enough, or that even if I get pg, I may have a tendency to miscarry. I really had to face the music that my weight may be inhibiting me from getting pg and that DH is not the only one with a fertility problem. My weight AUTOMATICALLY gives me a fertility problem. I kinda started feeling guilty and panicky reading the article. I know that when I feel pressured to lose weight I never can and I usually end up gaining more because of the stress. But the article said that if obese women exercise, their odds are much increased for being able to conceive and have a healthy pregnancy. SO, I am resolving to go to the gym and try to make better food choices, rather than "diet". I am ovulating already; I jsut need to get healthier- for my benefir as well as my future baby's. I am going to see how this approach works- do something good for myself a few times a week by working out. I think it will be great stress relief too- and THAT I need!
I feel like i am not making great progress at work. I am revising my manuscript to be resubmitted for publication, and I am purifying some DNA templates so I can transcribe a new RNA sample for NMR experiments. But half of the DNA I received from Invitrogen was crap and I couldn't even purify it, and my progress on these paper revisions is SLOW. I need to be done with that before I leave for Tallahassee this weekend (DH and I are going for my Goddaughter's baptism) so I can enjoy my trip. I need to light a fire under my ***!!!
On the TTC front, I am charting again. YAY! I wanted to do this in case the RE wanted some recent charts when I go. DH's urologist appointment is going to be delayed by a couple of weeks because he has jury duty later this month. But at least we are getting on the ball.
That's about it for today! TOnigth is a TTC 1 year +++ chat- I hope to see some people there this week!!!! After that I am going to the gym, no matter HOW tired I am!!!!!!!
just called my RE's office to get an appointment- he had a cancellation, so I get to see him THIS THURSDAY at 3 pm!!!!! I'm SO EXCITED!!! The nurse said that he might even do some preliminary testing and give me an exam while I'm there to get the ball rolling! Woo Hoo!!! Now that DH is almost 2 years post-op from his varicocle repair, I'm glad to finally be seeing someone on my end of things that can help out! Yippee!
I need to make a list of questions for this guy!!! Also, get my ob/gyn records faxed to him- and maybe DH's urologist records???
Had the leftovers from this weekend's migraine last night, so I didn't make it to the gym. Brought a salad for lunch today, though, and I am going to try to make it today!!! I feel better when I can sweat for a while, mentally and physically- I don't know why it takes so much effort for me to get over that activation energy barrier and actually get my *** to the gym sometimes. But I'm doing better.
I picked up my records dating back to december from my OB this morning. I wanted my new RE to have them. I'm getting kinda nervous about my appt. on Thursday, but it's a good kind of nervous. I feel like progress is finally going to be made, and it feels good!!!
Last night I stayed really late at work to do put a serious dent in my paper revisions. Not the most fun way to spend an evening, but at lest I finally had a super-productive day- it's about time! Now I think I can finish up the rest of the revisions and put the finishing touches on this draft- my advisor will look at the manuscript this weekend and then I hope we can send it back to the editor next week! Damn, am I SICK of looking at that thing! Although it will feel good to finally get a first author publication out from my postdoc work, the satisfaction will be short-lived- I need to finish up the draft of the next paper ASAP! There is ALWAYS something in the pipeline....
I got home kinda late last nigth and DH was still awake, to my surprise. We watched TV and talked for almost an hour, and decided to hit the hay. He went upstairs and *****ed about his clean shirts not being hung up- I didn't say anything, but I was thinking, at least I washed them and brought them upstairs! And I didn't ***** about the sinkful of dirty dishes that YOU could have washed tonight while I was at work late, but they are STILL sitting there, waiting for you-know-who to magically wash them (we don't have a dishwasher). Anyway, despite my bad mood, and the fact that we were both tired, it's been since before I O'd last month that we've had any sort of physical contact- and I have needs, if YKWIM?!? So once again I approached DH and I was turned down. I used to get really upset and cry when he rejected me, because it makes me feel like such ****. But now it just makes me angry. It's insulting- the only time he ever wants to have anything to do with me physically is when he thinks I'm ovulating, and even then I have to remind him. I am at my wit's end here. I don't know what to do with him. I feel horrible about myself because of his rejection. I've tried everything to get him to open up with me sexually and it just makes him mad or intimidates him or embarasses him. He's not very open-minded when it comes to sex, and it's hrd to communicate with him about it- he doesn't even liek to talk about it. The only time I can ever get him to open up about it is if he's drunk- it's really sad. It didn't used to be this way though- we used to have a pretty good sex life- I'm not sure if he feels inadequate because of all of the TTC issues we are having, or if TTCing just takes the fun out of it for him, but he NEVER wants to hve sex with me anymore. I don't really understand it, because he never has a "performance" issue- it seems like it is more of an emotional or psychological thing with him. I know that when he is stressed out, he doesn't want ot have sex, and he has been really stressed out by work lately. But I have been stressed out too, and when I get stressed out I NEED to have sex- it is a great stress reliever. I don't really get it because when we do have sex he realy enjoys himself- and I'm not just making assumptions- he tells me how much he enjoyed everyhting. I just feel like if I was thinner or more attractive he would want me more... and it really makes me feel like **** to get rejected by him so much.
ANyway, DH rejected me, and I know he was tired, but for the past 3 weeks it's always been SOMETHING!!! I'm really frustrated at this point- aside form the physical frustration of not having an orgasm in weeks, I just don't feel emotionally close to him. When we have sex on a regular basis, everything in our relationship seems to run more smoothly. WHen he's rejecting me, every little thing turns into a big deal. I don't know. But last night I just got really mad and laid there stewing about it silently while DH snored. ANd then I COULDN"T fall asleep for the LIFE of me!!!! I don't know if it was because I was mad, or because the wheels were still churning from working late, or because I had a cup of coffee at 5 pm, or what. But then when I finally nodded off, Dante (the little black dog) kept licking my eyelids and pawing at my shoulder so I could let him out. Well, I got up to let the dogs out, and all they wanted to do was play and chase stuff!!! They didn't even have to potty! I was really mad. Dante wouldn't let me sleep at ala after that- every time I drifted off, he woke me up- I think he found a critter to chase when he was outside the last time. But at 3 am I had HAD IT and nudged DH to get up and let the dogs out this time. Then I slep tfor about an hour before I got woken up AGAIN by Dante. I let the dogs out, and slept the rest of the morning on the couch. GGGRRRRRR. DH thought I was pissed at him the next morning when he saw me there (I was, kind of, but more hurt than pissed and i didn't want to make a federal case out of him rejecting me once again), so I told him that I just couldn't sleep because of Dante. It's just not soemthing I want to bring up right before I have to rush off and get ready for work (that I am already late for!).
I really hope we can reconnect this weekend in Tallahassee. I'm feeling really distant from him lately and I don't like the way that feels at all.
Back to work. I've got to finish these revisions......
DH and I had a much-needed really good night together last night. I tend to worry overly much about things and take things personally- when he's in a bad mood and not being affectionate I feel really insecure. I know that's my problem, but once in a while i just need a little reassurance. So I told DH that I wanted to hang out wiht him last night and go have a quiet dinner someplace. We went to a local restaraunt that DH has been wanting to try- just homestyle food, friendly service- it was a really nice dinner. DH seemed really relaxed for the first time in a couple of weeks. It was nice to see him enjoying himself. We even got dessert to go!
When we got home i called one of my friends in Tallahassee that we will be seeing this weekend, and we just chatted the night away- before i know it, it was time to go to bed. We were both tired, but we were feeling amorous (okay, I was just plain horny, I'll admit it!!!) and we got down to business. I have to say that I REALLY needed that. But afterwards I got this burning sensation that kept me awake, and I remembered that I had been on antibiotics for my recent ear infection, and I probably had a touch of a yeast infection- hence the burning after sex. I wasn't really having any other symptoms, maybe a little itchy if I think really hard about it, but I took my diflucan to be sure. I do not want a full-blown nasty yeast infection to ruin my weekend!!!
ANyway, I've got a bad headache today- probably from not getting enough sleep and sleeping in my contacts (uggghhh), but I can tough it out- today I'm leaving at 2 pm to go to the RE (WOO HOOO!!!!) and then I have to drop the puppies off at the kennel . I always feel like a mean mommy dropping them off, but I know they are being taken good care of, and they get a bath while they are there- bonus!!! I am just about finished with my paper revisions, so hopefully my boss will be ble to look at the paper this weekend and it will be out of my hair next week. Ahhhh- deep breath.
My next journal entry probably won't be until next Tuesday when I am back at work- hopefully I will have something good to write about the RE visit and our trip to Tally!!!
.....It's amazing how a good BD session just cheers me right back up...
I haven't posted in a few days- we were in Tallahassee for my GodDaughter's baptism. It was so wonderful seeing family and visiting and getting a break from this NEVER-ENDING Michigan winter- I didn't realize how much the cold greyness outside drains me. It was also a wonderful chance for DH and I to hang out with old friends and reconnect as a couple. ANd reconnect we did- on an emotional and physical level. It was much-needed. We had a great time just being with each other and holding hands and doing all of those seemingly inconsequential little things you do when show affection. It was wonderful. I could feel DH really loosen up and let go of his stresses and start to smile more often. But when we got home, our credit reports were waiting, and DH found out that he is still listed as a card holder for all of his ex-wife's credit cards! He was divorced over 3 years ago, and was supposed to be taken off those accounts as stipulated in the divorce proceedings. But she never did it, and DH was LIVID!!! He now has to call all of the banks himself and straighten everything out. Uggghhhh.
The good news is that I saw my RE on Thirsday, and I am seeing him again today! Here is what I wrote on the TTC 1-2 years page:
As for my appointment last thursday, I was blown away! My doctor is wonderful- he just sat down with me and had a talk with me. He asked me to tell him our TTC story. I did, and after he looked at my OB records and old charts, and gave him the story about DH's surgery, he talked to me about our options. I pretty much knew what he was going to tell me, because DH's urologist had said the same thing- we need to do IVF. He said that with a count below 5 mill/cc, IUI's dont' have a great success rate. I knew that, but we were hoping that DH's count would improve. But it is March- June will be 2 years post-surgery, and his counts really won't improve from here on out. His hunch is that since we conceived naturally in December there is probably nothing wrong with me fertility-wise. But he looked at my mid-luteal progesterone levels and he said they were fine. I was concerned that because I'm overweight that it would be harder for me to get pg or have a healthy pregnancy, but he said that if I'm, ovulating, which I am, then my body is probably perfectly able handle pregnancy. ANd dince I don't have high blood pressure and don't ahve any other weight-related medical issues and I"m relatively young, he really doesn't think my weight will be a problem in pregnancy, and he wouldnt' label me high-risk right-off unless I developed a problem later on. ANd he definitely doesn't think my weight is a reason why we haven't been able to concieve. Of course I would like to be healthier and my weight to be lower, but if we can get pg now safely, then I can worry about losing the extra pounds afterwards. He is having me tested for thyroid problems because he thinks that might be the cause of my weight issues. He is also having me tested to see if I am a carrier of the cystic fibrosis gene, since DH has poor semen quality and sometimes men who are carriers have low sperm counts for seemingly no reason- he just wants to rule out the possibility of us having a baby with cystic fibrosis, since DH was never tested.
Anyway, he also thinks our conception was probably a fluke that would be hard to duplicate- it took us 2-and-a-half years to conceive, and he thinks it could take that long, or even longer- or even never- to conceive again. He thinks that we should start the IVF provess while we are still young and our chances are good. His current success rate with women in my age bracket is 70% for the first IVF try (66% delivery rate). And IVF is most successful in young couples with male-factor fertility issues. Those are pretty good odds, but I'm still not sure we want to jump right into IVF. He's going to look at DH's most recent S/A results and let us know what he thinks. I'm going in TODAY for an exam, ultrasound, and mock transfer, and if he thinks we should jump right into IVF then I will be starting the whole process at the end of this cycle. It's crazy! We have been TTCing for over 2-and-a-half years and it is just wierd to walk into a doctor's office and have him tell me that there is a 2/3's chance that we could have a baby this time next year! It's bizzarre!!!
He wants to put back only 2 embies because there is a higher risk of multiples for women in my age group. I talked to DH and I think he was in shock after my appointment. I mean, we've been trying for so long and getting bad news over and over, and I think we are both shocked to realize that this might actually happen for us! We will be taking out a home equity line of credit on our house, and it is a big gamble for us. But we will do anything to have a baby. OF course, DH wants twins- "more bang for the buck", I think. But this weekend he started talking about the future and about "the twins" and I couldn't help but crack up every time he said it!!!
Anyway, sorry this was so long. I should have more info for you after my RE appt today. I can't believe how fast everything is moving all of a sudden- yikes!
More tomorrow, after my appointment. I'm so freakin' excited!!!!
Yesterday was my mid-cycle U/S exam and "mock transfer", just to make sure there aren't any surprises durin gthe real thing, and my anatomy is normal. It went really well- I am about to O, so my cervix was high and open, and he showed me two big follies- one on my right, and one on my left ovary. He said if we were to conceive naturally this cycle there would be a high chance of twins, LOL! He was really nice about everything and everything looks normal. I then had a consultation with his nurse, who told me to call her when I get my LH surge on my OPK, because 10 days after that I start my drugs. Wouldn't you know it, last night I got a + OPK, and this morning too. SO we go for a mandatory "seminar" next Tuesday to explain all of the ins and outs of the procedure and the drugs, and I will probably start my drugs on Good Friday, if everything goes as planned!
This is a HUGE step for us- we had been taking the "wait and see" approach for so long, hoping DH's numbers would be good enough for IUI, that it just seems wierd to suddenly be on the "fast track" to getting pg! It's so strange! DH wigged out last night when I showed him the estimated costs- he knew before what they would be, but it is different when you are faced with having to pay them in the near future! He's doing okay now, poor guy. He was freaking out thinking about how much this wil set us back. But i reminded him that we are taking out a home equity line of credit to do this, so it's not really money that we are losing- it's money we never really had to begin with! Besides, we are paying off soem high-interest credit card deebt with part of the loan as well, so I really think that when all of this is over, we will be better off financially than we were before- which is REALLY ironic.
SPeaking of money- last night we had a "$12,000 BD", LOL- trying one last time to catch the eggy before we have to shell out the big bucks for IVF. Well, even if it doesn't work, we still had a really good time trying!!!
Last night I had KILLER right side O pains and a + OPK, so I talked DH into one last night of TTC BDing. It's our last ditch effort at trying it "au natural" before we start the IVF cycle! He seemed to be in better spirits last night- I started to think that he was getting used to the idea of IVF and he was settling down a bit...
But this morning he was in a horrible cranky mood and we got into a fight. I know he's grouchy before work because he hates his job, and I do my best to let things just roll off my back, and chalk his crabbiness up to stress, but he REALLY pissed me off. He was watching "birdhunter's journal" on OLN intently, while I was calling my prescription drug plan company and Freedom Drug pharmacy to try to figure out which (if any) injectables would be covered by my insurance, and which we'd have to pay for out of pocket. I HAD to do this this morning, because at work we have one phone line for the lab and people can hear my conversations- I jsut really didnt' want to be talking about fertillity treatments at work. Apparently, he got pissed that I was on the phone in the same room "disturbing" his TV show, so when I got off the phone and started talkin gto him about the information (or lack thereof) that I learned, he just stared at the TV and TURNED UP THE VOLUME SO HE COULDN'T HEAR ME!!!!! How juvenile!!!! I was so ****ing pissed I just walked away, with tears streaming down my face. I hate it when I cry when I'm really mad, but I can't help it- it undermines everything I say and makes me look weak, and I hate it. I realize I probably should have gone into another room to make the phone call, but i was in a hurry- and besides, I THOUGHT he would be INTERESTED in what I was talking about- I guess I was wrong. He told me I was selfish and that everything has to revolve around the things I consider to be a priority. SOrry, but I think our IVF treatment is a little more important than his stupid bird hunting show!!!! AAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
I got really mad and told him that this should be "our" priority, not just "my" priority. ANd why do I have to do everything???? I make phone calls, research doctors, chart, do EVERYTHING in terms of TTC- even make HIS appointments most of the time. I realize that he has done more than most guys would, including getting surgery, and i appreciate that. But don't undermine the work I am trying to do! I really felt that he had no clue what I was going through and how much work I have put in to this TTC process, and I really thought HE was the selfish one. After all, it is because of HIS medical problem that we have to do IVF in the first place! I am not placing blame, but I think that he should out all of that into perspective before he *****es me out for interrupting his TV show with important information about our IVF! It really makes me wonder now if he is okay with all of this- he flipped **** the other night when he saw how much all of this would be, and this morning he freaked out about me being on the phone wiht my insurance and interrupting his TV show. Maybe his pissy attitude was due to the fact that he is really not comfortable with the idea of doing IVF yet. ****, if we could get pg another way, barring the use of donor sperm, I'd do it! But I want to have HIS baby- I LOVE HIM and I want US to have OUR OWN CHILD, and that is why I am doing all of this!!!!! I can't imagine a TV show being more important than doing the things it takes to make all of that happen- but I guess he was just caught up in the moment's frustration, and didnt' think about all of that. I don't know, but we need to have a really long talk tonight about all of this. I'm sorry I interrupted his TV show, but I definitely deserve an apology for the things he said to me. If he is not ready to be a father, then we need to discuss that now, not after we get pg.
I just don't know how to make him feel confortable with all of this- I don't know if he is indecure about becoming a father, or the idea of IVF (and spending the money) is what is making him nervous. But I am going to need his help administering drugs and keeping me sane, so he has to be into this idea 110% before we start! Yep- we need to have a very long talk. I hope tonight we can kiss up and make it all better- I hate wasting time being upset and angry, and I love him more than anybody and it hurts to fight with him, and for him to be angry with me.
One good thing that happened is I think that part of my drug costs will be covered by my prescription drug plan that I have through work. I think the Lupron will be covered mostly, but the other drugs require prior authorization, so we will have to see.
....debating about whether or not to call DH at work and talk to him about what happened this morning, or at least call him and ask if we can talk later- I have been so upset abou tthis morning that I haven't gotten anything done today. Then again, I'm still really pissed at him and I could stay late and work on my manuscript some more...I guess I will call him and if he's not receptive to talking abou tthings later, then I will just stay late at work and mope.
Yesterday afternoon I decided to extend the olive branch and call DH at work. He was expecting an apology from me, and I was expecting an apology from him, but we both agreed that we needed to talk later on, so I made sure I was home at a decent hour so we could call a truce. I stopped at Whole Foods (my favorite grocery store- I wish I could afford to shop there more often!) and got some prepared food for dinner because it would be almost 8 pm by the time I got home. I also picked up some Guinness because: 1) it was St. Patrick's Day, and what would that be like without Guinness???; and 2) There was no alcohol in the house, and I knew our conversation would go much more smoothly after DH downed a beer or two. SO I made my stop and headed home.
DH was pissy when I came home, but warmed up when he realized I had food and beer in tow. We ate dinner amicably, each waiting for the other person to bring up the big issue. After the leftovers were put in the fridge, and the dogs wrestled with a bit, I finally brought up the subject. I apologized for interrupting his TV show. But he didn't apologize for acting like an asshole. Apparently, he sees my actions as part of a larger, more general problem in which I am apparently not taking his feelings or wants or needs into consideration. I acknowledge that I don't always pay attention, and so when he asks me to do something it is in one ear and out the other. But I assured him that his feelings and needs are at the top of my list! I also brought up the point that I feel like he's not really okay with all of this IVF stuff, and that's why he freaked out when I was on the phone trying to figure out whether or not part of my medications will be covered by my prescription drug plan. He admitted that he is suddenly uncomfortable with the idea of things going so quickly now- for a few reasons. First of all, the financial burden is overwhelming to him, and reasonably so. He is really worried about how we will overcome our debt. Secondly, he doesn't like the idea of us getting pregnant through artificial means- he thinks that is we havent' conceived naturally, then he "wasn't meant to be a father". I reassured him that his infertility is not his fault, and he is no less deserving of being a father than anyone else- in fact, he would be a wonderful Dad, and it is just a sad twist of fate that he has this fertility problem. Third of all, he feels like he is having no say in when the IVF procedure happens, and he feels out of control- he said that it doesn't feel like a joint decision to him, just something I am pushing along because I want this more than anything. That is partially true- I am pushing this along, but it was actually HIS idea before we were even married to start trying to have kids, and I'm the one who convinced him that we should wait! Now he is uncomfortable with the pace of everyhting, which is kinda funny- we've waitind 3 years for this, and I am way past ready to be a mom! But I explained to him that it probably feels like I am running the show because I am the one who has to go to all of the appointments, and it is MY body that dictates when medication starts, when egg retrieval is done, etc. I explained the process to him, hoping that he would understand, and in the process feel a little more in control of things. I hope that he will feel like this is more of a joint venture after we have our orientation meeting on Tuesday. And lastly, he is suddenly faced with the idea of having to grow up- he expressed that there are "so many things he still wants to do". He's acting like having kids is equivalent to imprisonment, or worse yet, death! I reassured him that although he will have a lot more obligations, and although both our lives will revolve around the good of our family rather than our personal needs, he can still do the things he wants to do. Poor guy- this whole process is really overwhelming him.
But we talked for a really long time, and I told him that I didn't want to go through with this without his commitment to having kids. I think once he got everything out, he felt much better. I told him that no one is ever "ready" for kids, and there is never the "perfect" time. I really believe that. We are both responsible adults who love each other and are comitted to having a family- what more do we need? I told him that I wanted his honest opinion, and i didn't just want him to blow sunshine up my *** and tell me what I wanted to hear. He said that he wanted to do this and he was ready- I think he really just needs some time to get used to the whole idea. It was a little strange to be having that kind of conversation now, since in December we got pg and he was thrilled! But he explained that he was thrilled to have conceived naturally- I don't think the idea of being a father had really sunken in before I miscarried. So he is faced with all of those doubts now. I have no doubts, however- I know he will be a wonderful father- he is a wonderful husband and I can't imagine not having children with him. I really tried to get that point across last night- it was hard, because I was hurting as well from our fight earlier in the day, but in the end I think we came to an understanding, if not an agreement, and I guess that's the most important thing. I want to have children more than just about anything- but I don't want to damage our relationship in the process. I really think that TTCing has brought on a lot of trials and tribulations, but I feel that we are stronger for it. I just hope we can push through the home stretch and get to the finish line- if it takes IVF, it takes IVF- I think we both agree that this is what we need to do- I just pray that we conceive and have a healthy pregnancy and delivery. I can't wait to meet our new son or daughter that I know is waiting out there for us to love. This child is already so much a part of our lives, and I already love him or her- I just want to feel him or her grow inside me- I can't imagine life without this baby now. I feel like if this IVF doesn't work, my heart will break into a million pieces.