Well, here I am after 12 1/2 months of TTC, and 1 miscarriage (around the 2 month mark). I'm only 26 years old and "healthy" (DH is 24). My family is huge - no major fertility issues on either side, but apparently it isn't going to be as easy for me. It seems that I only ovulate once in a while. We already know that I'm capable of getting pregnant, but after about 4 months now of tracking my cycle (using BBT, LH tests, Ferning tests, etc), it's clear that I'm not ovulating as I should be.
I was finally able to get a referral to see the gyno about a month or so ago, after a while of just seeing my family doc. Luckily, the gyno agreed right away to start me on some Clomid to get things going. I was so relieved.
So now I'm on day 16 of my first cycle on Clomid. I haven't ovulated yet, but I'm hoping that within this next week I'll see some positive tests. I took an LH test on Thursday, and you could barely see where the line was suppose to be (it has to be darker than the control line to be positive). Tonight I took another one, and the line was ALMOST as dark as the control line, so it looks like I'm getting closer. I'm just so scared to get my hopes up again. It seems like I've been dreaming for so long, and all I've faced so far is heartache and disappointment.
In the meantime, my sister-in-law (DH's sister) just had her first child one month ago. He's beautiful. I got to be at the hospital when he was born. Now some of our close friends are about to start ttc too. One of my colleagues is pregnant with twin girls, due any day now, and the list goes on. I'm happy for all of them, but it makes this struggle so much harder.
I just wish I could do something to get my mind off this for a while. But honestly, I can't help but be obsessed. I don't always voice it to others, but every day I dream about being pregnant - about what it must feel like to feel that tiny life growing inside me. I dream about what my children might look like. Will they have red hair like their Gramma? Or dark hair like me? Will they have my DH's eyes? What will it be like to watch him hold them, and sing them to sleep?
I wish I could fast forward through the next few months. If I could just conceive and make it to the second trimester, so I tell myself, then maybe I'll finally see the day that I've been dreaming about since I was only a baby myself - the day I become a Mommy. But for now, I wait...
I think I may be a little closer to actually ovulating. I'm now on CD 21. My temp is still pretty low, which it has been for three days, and I'm hoping to see it go shooting up. I'm not really good at telling the state of CM, but I think it looks kinda egg white today. Yesterday was the same. Needless to say, I haven't let DH get much sleep because of it! *chuckle*
DH has been so sweet lately. I was feeling miserable the other day, and he sat & comforted me. Then he explained that I'm not alone in this - he's right here with me in ttc, and it's just as important to him. As obvious as this concept should have been to me, I hadn't really thought about it before then. All of a sudden I feel so much better, simply because I know he shares all the same hopes and fears that I've been quietly hiding inside.
So, I'm crossing my fingers for a high temp tomorrow. You never know - I might just get it. If so, it'll be the first ovulation I've had in a long time. And maybe that's all I need...
One week ago I went in to see my gyno. I brought my chart and complained that the Clomid didn't seem to be working, since I was already on CD33 and hadn't O'd yet. He didn't want to up my dosage yet, since I had only been on the Clomid for one cycle so far, so he told me to try it again, and if I still don't, then we'll revisit the issue. At this point I was feeling fairly defeated, so I had kinda written off the chances of this working. Also, I started another semester of school (I go in the evenings after work, about 2 nights a week and some Saturdays). That helps to take my mind off things and stay in a good mood.
Then, just when I had given up on this cycle, my temperature shot up - and is still high. It looks like I O'd on about CD37 (and it's now CD40). Even if I don't get pg this time around - at least I'm a step closer! Now I get to see how long my LP is - until now I hadn't had one since I've started charting.
I can't believe how hard it is during the 2WW. It seems like time has slowed to almost a stop, even though I've been fairly busy.
Yesterday was my one year anniversary. Last year at this time I was on a cruise to Mexico w/ Ryan, and had just had a perfect dream wedding - married by the captain out in the Pacific ocean.
I also had class last night, so we're celebrating today instead. We haven't really made any big plans - just dinner & a movie - since I have class tomorrow morning as well. But really, I would have a good time no matter what we were doing.
I've also been in a really good mood today because my temperature went up a little higher this morning. Only a fraction of a degree, but it still instills hope in me that maybe this is it. Of course I try not to get my hopes up, but it sure would be nice.
With that said, I've spent some time today reading through more of the other ttc journals. I finally finished Cazz's - and how deeply I feel for her! I wish I could just reach out & hug her, all the way from the other side of the world (I'm in Canada, about 3 hours north of Seattle). What a courageous woman. And I know that she's not the only one! It really makes me put things into perspective and not feel sorry for myself!
Well, my temp went down slightly. It's still above the red line, so I know I shouldn't read much into it, and it could just be an implantation dip, but it still makes me nervous to see it on the decline.
However, I have been feeling quite crampy over the weekend, and my nipples have been a little sore. Not the same as last time, but enough for me to notice every once in a while. Yesterday I shivered (the type when the hair on the back of your neck stands up - not just when you're cold), and it made them throb for a couple minutes (not pleasant btw). I'm hoping this is a good sign, but I also know that it could just be another s/e from the clomid.
It's hard not to get your hopes up. And 2 weeks is just too long to wait! I'm at 9 dpo now, and I promised myself that I wouldn't start testing until at least 14 dpo. I'm not sure what I was at last time I was preg, but it wasn't until my whole chest was tender that I was able to get a positive. Before then I think I went through 4 or 5 false negatives.
I just got to stay patient for another 5 days or so.... o_O
Yesterday the spotting started. It was so faint that I almost didn't notice it, and then I wondered if it was maybe just the lighting in the bathroom, but sure enough, it continued on this morning. It's 12 dpo today (give or take, depending on how you read my chart), and I'm getting spotting. Then when I took my temp this morning, it had gone down to the line. I guess the witch is coming. Damn.
Even though I had tried not to get my hopes up for this cycle, I think anyone who has been ttc for a while will know that it's just not possible. Every cycle you get your hopes up, and every time that it doesn't come, you get just as disappointed - if not moreso. I guess I'll be starting another round of Clomid early next week.
But, for every rainy day there's a chance for a rainbow (at least so I tell myself). As soon as AF is gone, I should be finished 2 of my 3 classes this semester. Then I should have more time for sleeping, which means I should be able to get up earlier in the morning and work out. I'm the heaviest that I've ever been right now by about 8 lbs (which is like, 68 lbs overweight), so maybe this is my chance to get rid of some of it. And hopefully that will give me something else to focus on while I wait to O - which could be a while. I just hope that some of these s/e's go away by the time I want to start working out. I hate doing cardio while I feel all swollen and bloated in my lower region.
I also have a fun trip to look forward to. It turns out that my mom is going to San Francisco for a week and will have an extra bed in her hotel room, so Ryan and I are going to go take advantage of it. We found a cheap flight, and we both happened to have another week's vacation that we hadn't used yet, so we get to bum around SF for a week! I'm so excited. And it's especially nice b/c we just celebrated our one year anniversary (and 5 year anniversary of when we first got together), and we actually stopped in SF during our honeymoon. It's my favourite city in the States, which I suppose isn't suprising since I live in Vancouver (Canada), which has very similar elements.
Life would sure be perfect if I could just hurry up and get pregnant!
Well, even though A/F came, at least the cramps finally stopped a couple days into it. Now I'm back on the Clomid for a second round. This time I'm gonna force myself to be patient - expecting that I might not O until more than a month from now, just like last cycle. That's so frustrating. I think I'm also going to buy a couple weeks worth of OPK strips. Even though they are expensive, it might help me make sure that we bd on the right nights.
We just had Thanksgiving here in Canada, and it was really good to visit with my family. My SIL was particularily great. She is so supportive and understanding of what I'm going through, and it's nice to talk to someone like that.
So, I'm off to school again now. Thank goodness I have something to keep my mind off pregnancy! I have this horrible habit of obsessing...
AF sucks. Of course, I'm sure you already knew that.
So I've just finished the last of my clomid pills today. At least for this round, anyway. I'm trying not to get my hopes up. After all, even if I do get pregnant this cycle, it could end up in miscarriage again.
But how do I not get my hopes up anyway? Is that even possible? I read someone's post today that she is 5 weeks pregnant, from her second cycle of clomid. And I thought to myself - hey, I'm doing my second round of clomid... that could happen to me! I just wish I could fast forward to the future, when I'm 4 months pregnant and enjoying every minute of it. When the worries about never being able to have children are a thing of the past. Am I being so selfish in wanting this?!
Sorry for ranting, but I guess I've been feeling lousy for a couple days now. Not really for any particular reason. I guess I'm just frustrated. And I know, I know - things could be so much worse. I should look at how blessed I am rather than b@#$%ing about the things that I don't yet have, but I would trade in all of my accomplishments for a baby in a heartbeat. I would trade in the career, the house, the car, etc etc etc.
Interesting how life has such a sense of irony. One of my dear friends, probably my closest girlfriend, has 2 children. She isn't married, didn't go to college, doesn't own a house, and doesn't have much of a career (she works, but it's only to pay the bills - nothing of particular skill & passion for her). She figures she had her children too young... she was probably around 19 when her first one was born. Both of her kids have the same father, but he's a @$$hole that doesn't really have anything to do with them, nevermind help out with the bills (sorry - I get really miffed at guys like that). She looks at me and envies all the things that I have that she doesn't. She does the best she can with what she's got (and believe me - I think she's incredible for the effort she puts into those children). But still, she wishes that she had been able to wait a little longer before becoming a mom. And here I am, wishing that I had such beautiful children. *sigh*
Well, I guess the only thing I can do is keep trying. Who knows, maybe this clomid thing will work after all...
The one thing that I really hate to hear from people is "don't stress over it". People keep on acting as if I should be able to just put this out of my mind - just don't think about it, and it'll happen. Somehow, I really don't think so. If I didn't think about it, I wouldn't have started charting, I wouldn't have gone to the doctor, and I wouldn't be taking action to ensure that I ovulate. And I really don't have the ability to not stress over this - I may as well try to just stop breathing. However, I have been trying to reduce other stresses in my life, hoping that it might make a difference.
I am on vacation right now in San Francisco with my DH and my mom. My mom is here for a conference, and so we only had to pay for the flight & meal/entertainment expenses, but we get to stay in her room for only a small additional charge. Then my DH and I get to bum around SF for a week! So far it's been a blast - I love this city. It's actually very similar to where I live in (Vancouver, Canada), but a bit bigger. The people have been really cool, and I've already got some great photos. I've been able to sleep in, enjoy the sights, and not even think about work or school. I haven't O'd yet, but it could still be a while - I'm on CD 20 now, but last month I didn't O until CD 37, so I may have a while longer to wait. But who knows - maybe this vacation will help. It definately won't hurt, anyway. I picked up 2 weeks worth of OPK tests today, so I figure I'll start testing tomorrow. Then it's just a matter of whether I keep testing every day, or every other day. I don't want to miss the surge this time, since I want to make sure that I give this cycle every chance possible for a positive.
This morning I had mild cramps. I couldn't quite tell what it was from, but it seemed to be more around my uterus than anything else, and it didn't feel like it was related to my digestive track at all. Kinda weird, since I normally don't get any cramps until my 2ww, if at all. Since it wasn't on either side in particular, I don't think it was my ovaries. But, I guess I'll just have to keep an eye on it if the pain gets worse - right now it's only a little bit noticeable, not at all severe.
So, it's almost time for dinner now. I think we're going to go for pizza tonight Mmmmmm! I hope all the rest of you ladies have a good night tonight *HUGZ*
So it seems that I O'd on CD20 this time around. Or CD18 if you don't count the 2 days of spotting at the beginning of the cycle - which I do only on the advice of my doctor (when deciding which days to take the Clomid). Still, that's quite early in comparison to last cycle. I guess this means that Clomid is not only making me O - a relief in itself - but it's also shortening my cycle. This is great!
This does mean, of course, that I'm back in the dreaded 2WW. I'm not really dwelling on it too much right now, but I'm sure my obsession will increase exponentially as I get closer to the end... it always does
This week has been wonderful. I've seen a bunch of sights, including Alcatraz, which I've always wanted to go to since I was little. I also got to spend a lot of time just me & DH, and let's not forget the sleeping-in every morning (though I wake up for just long enough to take my temperature at my regular 6am every morning, and then fall back asleep). I can't help but think that this R&R has something to do with the fact that I O'd earlier than last time. Maybe my body needs a little less stress day-to-day. I'm sure many of us are like that.
I have to admit though, I will be happy to get back & be able to sleep in my own bed. Plus, I have a fun weekend ahead with a Halloween/birthday party on Saturday night. We're all dressing up in our costumes (I'm even going to get my DH to join in), and go bowling. Now, I'm not a real big fan of bowling, but really, it doesn't matter what we are doing when we are hanging out with our closest friends. Just hanging out with them is awesome. I think everyone needs some laughter in their lives, and our friends definately provide lots of it!
I'm off to bed now. I've got an early flight to catch, so I'll be needing some sleep....