Still Dreaming of a Family (pg ment)

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Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
Still Dreaming of a Family (pg ment)

Well, here I am after 12 1/2 months of TTC, and 1 miscarriage (around the 2 month mark). I'm only 26 years old and "healthy" (DH is 24). My family is huge - no major fertility issues on either side, but apparently it isn't going to be as easy for me. It seems that I only ovulate once in a while. We already know that I'm capable of getting pregnant, but after about 4 months now of tracking my cycle (using BBT, LH tests, Ferning tests, etc), it's clear that I'm not ovulating as I should be.

I was finally able to get a referral to see the gyno about a month or so ago, after a while of just seeing my family doc. Luckily, the gyno agreed right away to start me on some Clomid to get things going. I was so relieved.

So now I'm on day 16 of my first cycle on Clomid. I haven't ovulated yet, but I'm hoping that within this next week I'll see some positive tests. I took an LH test on Thursday, and you could barely see where the line was suppose to be (it has to be darker than the control line to be positive). Tonight I took another one, and the line was ALMOST as dark as the control line, so it looks like I'm getting closer. I'm just so scared to get my hopes up again. It seems like I've been dreaming for so long, and all I've faced so far is heartache and disappointment.

In the meantime, my sister-in-law (DH's sister) just had her first child one month ago. He's beautiful. I got to be at the hospital when he was born. Now some of our close friends are about to start ttc too. One of my colleagues is pregnant with twin girls, due any day now, and the list goes on. I'm happy for all of them, but it makes this struggle so much harder.

I just wish I could do something to get my mind off this for a while. But honestly, I can't help but be obsessed. I don't always voice it to others, but every day I dream about being pregnant - about what it must feel like to feel that tiny life growing inside me. I dream about what my children might look like. Will they have red hair like their Gramma? Or dark hair like me? Will they have my DH's eyes? What will it be like to watch him hold them, and sing them to sleep?

I wish I could fast forward through the next few months. If I could just conceive and make it to the second trimester, so I tell myself, then maybe I'll finally see the day that I've been dreaming about since I was only a baby myself - the day I become a Mommy. But for now, I wait...

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I think I may be a little closer to actually ovulating. I'm now on CD 21. My temp is still pretty low, which it has been for three days, and I'm hoping to see it go shooting up. I'm not really good at telling the state of CM, but I think it looks kinda egg white today. Yesterday was the same. Needless to say, I haven't let DH get much sleep because of it! *chuckle*

DH has been so sweet lately. I was feeling miserable the other day, and he sat & comforted me. Then he explained that I'm not alone in this - he's right here with me in ttc, and it's just as important to him. As obvious as this concept should have been to me, I hadn't really thought about it before then. All of a sudden I feel so much better, simply because I know he shares all the same hopes and fears that I've been quietly hiding inside.

So, I'm crossing my fingers for a high temp tomorrow. You never know - I might just get it. If so, it'll be the first ovulation I've had in a long time. And maybe that's all I need...

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

It's been an interesting few weeks...

One week ago I went in to see my gyno. I brought my chart and complained that the Clomid didn't seem to be working, since I was already on CD33 and hadn't O'd yet. He didn't want to up my dosage yet, since I had only been on the Clomid for one cycle so far, so he told me to try it again, and if I still don't, then we'll revisit the issue. At this point I was feeling fairly defeated, so I had kinda written off the chances of this working. Also, I started another semester of school (I go in the evenings after work, about 2 nights a week and some Saturdays). That helps to take my mind off things and stay in a good mood.

Then, just when I had given up on this cycle, my temperature shot up - and is still high. It looks like I O'd on about CD37 (and it's now CD40). Even if I don't get pg this time around - at least I'm a step closer! Now I get to see how long my LP is - until now I hadn't had one since I've started charting.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I can't believe how hard it is during the 2WW. It seems like time has slowed to almost a stop, even though I've been fairly busy.

Yesterday was my one year anniversary. Last year at this time I was on a cruise to Mexico w/ Ryan, and had just had a perfect dream wedding - married by the captain out in the Pacific ocean.

I also had class last night, so we're celebrating today instead. We haven't really made any big plans - just dinner & a movie - since I have class tomorrow morning as well. But really, I would have a good time no matter what we were doing.

I've also been in a really good mood today because my temperature went up a little higher this morning. Only a fraction of a degree, but it still instills hope in me that maybe this is it. Of course I try not to get my hopes up, but it sure would be nice.

With that said, I've spent some time today reading through more of the other ttc journals. I finally finished Cazz's - and how deeply I feel for her! I wish I could just reach out & hug her, all the way from the other side of the world (I'm in Canada, about 3 hours north of Seattle). What a courageous woman. And I know that she's not the only one! It really makes me put things into perspective and not feel sorry for myself!

Cheers and good luck to everyone ttc right now!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well, my temp went down slightly. It's still above the red line, so I know I shouldn't read much into it, and it could just be an implantation dip, but it still makes me nervous to see it on the decline.

However, I have been feeling quite crampy over the weekend, and my nipples have been a little sore. Not the same as last time, but enough for me to notice every once in a while. Yesterday I shivered (the type when the hair on the back of your neck stands up - not just when you're cold), and it made them throb for a couple minutes (not pleasant btw). I'm hoping this is a good sign, but I also know that it could just be another s/e from the clomid.

It's hard not to get your hopes up. And 2 weeks is just too long to wait! I'm at 9 dpo now, and I promised myself that I wouldn't start testing until at least 14 dpo. I'm not sure what I was at last time I was preg, but it wasn't until my whole chest was tender that I was able to get a positive. Before then I think I went through 4 or 5 false negatives.

I just got to stay patient for another 5 days or so.... Shok

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Yesterday the spotting started. It was so faint that I almost didn't notice it, and then I wondered if it was maybe just the lighting in the bathroom, but sure enough, it continued on this morning. It's 12 dpo today (give or take, depending on how you read my chart), and I'm getting spotting. Then when I took my temp this morning, it had gone down to the line. I guess the witch is coming. Damn.

Even though I had tried not to get my hopes up for this cycle, I think anyone who has been ttc for a while will know that it's just not possible. Every cycle you get your hopes up, and every time that it doesn't come, you get just as disappointed - if not moreso. I guess I'll be starting another round of Clomid early next week.

But, for every rainy day there's a chance for a rainbow (at least so I tell myself). As soon as AF is gone, I should be finished 2 of my 3 classes this semester. Then I should have more time for sleeping, which means I should be able to get up earlier in the morning and work out. I'm the heaviest that I've ever been right now by about 8 lbs (which is like, 68 lbs overweight), so maybe this is my chance to get rid of some of it. And hopefully that will give me something else to focus on while I wait to O - which could be a while. I just hope that some of these s/e's go away by the time I want to start working out. I hate doing cardio while I feel all swollen and bloated in my lower region.

I also have a fun trip to look forward to. It turns out that my mom is going to San Francisco for a week and will have an extra bed in her hotel room, so Ryan and I are going to go take advantage of it. We found a cheap flight, and we both happened to have another week's vacation that we hadn't used yet, so we get to bum around SF for a week! I'm so excited. And it's especially nice b/c we just celebrated our one year anniversary (and 5 year anniversary of when we first got together), and we actually stopped in SF during our honeymoon. It's my favourite city in the States, which I suppose isn't suprising since I live in Vancouver (Canada), which has very similar elements.

Life would sure be perfect if I could just hurry up and get pregnant!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well, even though A/F came, at least the cramps finally stopped a couple days into it. Now I'm back on the Clomid for a second round. This time I'm gonna force myself to be patient - expecting that I might not O until more than a month from now, just like last cycle. That's so frustrating. I think I'm also going to buy a couple weeks worth of OPK strips. Even though they are expensive, it might help me make sure that we bd on the right nights.

We just had Thanksgiving here in Canada, and it was really good to visit with my family. My SIL was particularily great. She is so supportive and understanding of what I'm going through, and it's nice to talk to someone like that.

So, I'm off to school again now. Thank goodness I have something to keep my mind off pregnancy! I have this horrible habit of obsessing... :roll:

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

AF sucks. Of course, I'm sure you already knew that.

So I've just finished the last of my clomid pills today. At least for this round, anyway. I'm trying not to get my hopes up. After all, even if I do get pregnant this cycle, it could end up in miscarriage again.

But how do I not get my hopes up anyway? Is that even possible? I read someone's post today that she is 5 weeks pregnant, from her second cycle of clomid. And I thought to myself - hey, I'm doing my second round of clomid... that could happen to me! I just wish I could fast forward to the future, when I'm 4 months pregnant and enjoying every minute of it. When the worries about never being able to have children are a thing of the past. Am I being so selfish in wanting this?!

Sorry for ranting, but I guess I've been feeling lousy for a couple days now. Not really for any particular reason. I guess I'm just frustrated. And I know, I know - things could be so much worse. I should look at how blessed I am rather than b@#$%ing about the things that I don't yet have, but I would trade in all of my accomplishments for a baby in a heartbeat. I would trade in the career, the house, the car, etc etc etc.

Interesting how life has such a sense of irony. One of my dear friends, probably my closest girlfriend, has 2 children. She isn't married, didn't go to college, doesn't own a house, and doesn't have much of a career (she works, but it's only to pay the bills - nothing of particular skill & passion for her). She figures she had her children too young... she was probably around 19 when her first one was born. Both of her kids have the same father, but he's a @$$hole that doesn't really have anything to do with them, nevermind help out with the bills (sorry - I get really miffed at guys like that). She looks at me and envies all the things that I have that she doesn't. She does the best she can with what she's got (and believe me - I think she's incredible for the effort she puts into those children). But still, she wishes that she had been able to wait a little longer before becoming a mom. And here I am, wishing that I had such beautiful children. *sigh*

Well, I guess the only thing I can do is keep trying. Who knows, maybe this clomid thing will work after all...

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

The one thing that I really hate to hear from people is "don't stress over it". People keep on acting as if I should be able to just put this out of my mind - just don't think about it, and it'll happen. Somehow, I really don't think so. If I didn't think about it, I wouldn't have started charting, I wouldn't have gone to the doctor, and I wouldn't be taking action to ensure that I ovulate. And I really don't have the ability to not stress over this - I may as well try to just stop breathing. However, I have been trying to reduce other stresses in my life, hoping that it might make a difference.

I am on vacation right now in San Francisco with my DH and my mom. My mom is here for a conference, and so we only had to pay for the flight & meal/entertainment expenses, but we get to stay in her room for only a small additional charge. Then my DH and I get to bum around SF for a week! So far it's been a blast - I love this city. It's actually very similar to where I live in (Vancouver, Canada), but a bit bigger. The people have been really cool, and I've already got some great photos. I've been able to sleep in, enjoy the sights, and not even think about work or school. I haven't O'd yet, but it could still be a while - I'm on CD 20 now, but last month I didn't O until CD 37, so I may have a while longer to wait. But who knows - maybe this vacation will help. It definately won't hurt, anyway. I picked up 2 weeks worth of OPK tests today, so I figure I'll start testing tomorrow. Then it's just a matter of whether I keep testing every day, or every other day. I don't want to miss the surge this time, since I want to make sure that I give this cycle every chance possible for a positive.

This morning I had mild cramps. I couldn't quite tell what it was from, but it seemed to be more around my uterus than anything else, and it didn't feel like it was related to my digestive track at all. Kinda weird, since I normally don't get any cramps until my 2ww, if at all. Since it wasn't on either side in particular, I don't think it was my ovaries. But, I guess I'll just have to keep an eye on it if the pain gets worse - right now it's only a little bit noticeable, not at all severe.

So, it's almost time for dinner now. I think we're going to go for pizza tonight Biggrin Mmmmmm! I hope all the rest of you ladies have a good night tonight *HUGZ*

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

So it seems that I O'd on CD20 this time around. Or CD18 if you don't count the 2 days of spotting at the beginning of the cycle - which I do only on the advice of my doctor (when deciding which days to take the Clomid). Still, that's quite early in comparison to last cycle. I guess this means that Clomid is not only making me O - a relief in itself - but it's also shortening my cycle. This is great!

This does mean, of course, that I'm back in the dreaded 2WW. I'm not really dwelling on it too much right now, but I'm sure my obsession will increase exponentially as I get closer to the end... it always does :?

This week has been wonderful. I've seen a bunch of sights, including Alcatraz, which I've always wanted to go to since I was little. I also got to spend a lot of time just me & DH, and let's not forget the sleeping-in every morning (though I wake up for just long enough to take my temperature at my regular 6am every morning, and then fall back asleep). I can't help but think that this R&R has something to do with the fact that I O'd earlier than last time. Maybe my body needs a little less stress day-to-day. I'm sure many of us are like that.

I have to admit though, I will be happy to get back & be able to sleep in my own bed. Plus, I have a fun weekend ahead with a Halloween/birthday party on Saturday night. We're all dressing up in our costumes (I'm even going to get my DH to join in), and go bowling. Now, I'm not a real big fan of bowling, but really, it doesn't matter what we are doing when we are hanging out with our closest friends. Just hanging out with them is awesome. I think everyone needs some laughter in their lives, and our friends definately provide lots of it!

I'm off to bed now. I've got an early flight to catch, so I'll be needing some sleep....

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

So yesterday was 5 DPO and my temperature dropped fairly dramatically. It was still above the coverline, mind you, but lower than any DPO previously, and of course I feared the worst - not only that AF might be coming, but that it was so early and I might not have a long enough LP (I haven't exactly had enough ovulation cycles to know that I don't have an LP problem). Yes, I know - I overreact fairly easily. My intellect tells me to just wait & see what happens, but my heart just races through all the possibilities and jumps to conclusions. I tried to keep my mind off of it as much as possible, and keep my chin up, but I can't say that I wasn't worried. Since it was only 5 DPO, I figured it was too early for an implantation dip.

Then this morning - guess what happened!!! You got it... my temperature went back up. Only this time, it went WAY up. More than a full degree higher than yesterday, and over half of a degree compared to before yesterday. So now I'm thinking, maybe it was an implantation dip. Maybe, just maybe, this is going to be a (*gasp*) triphasic cycle. Now, I know... I need to wait & see if my temperature continues to stay high like that for the next few days before I can actually consider it a bonifide temperature shift - and thus triphasic - but again, I can't stop myself from reacting emotionally. Not only am I relieved that my temperature didn't continue to drop like yesterdays, but I also have increased hope that this month could be it!

So, that leaves me as happy/excited/anxious, and worried that I'm going to be disappointed. And I'm sure that the Clomid doesn't help keep my emotions in check, either... Poor DH Lol

I wish someone would hurry up and invent the remote control for life, so that I could fast forward through the next few days - or even the next week for that matter. I should know before Rememberance day whether this is the cycle or not, hopefully several days before. I figure if it did implant on 5 DPO, then maybe I would be able to test a couple days early too, like 12 DPO or so. I'm not sure if it works that way or not, but I think I read something about the hormones either starting at implantation or simply increasing more rapidly from that point. Then again, even if that is the case - do I really want to test early and risk false negatives? *sigh*

Cross your fingers (and toes too!) Biggrin

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Strange how it feels like so long since my last post, but really it's only been about 2 days. Time just isn't passing quickly enough. I'm still not totally sure whether my chart is triphasic. My temps have been relatively high, but not quite as much as 6 dpo. And the other thing is, I haven't been sleeping really well, so I'm unsure what effect that may have on my temps. I keep on waking up really early, then trying to sleep (and mostly failing) until my alarm goes off. Finally, I'll take my temperature anyway, after laying awake for 1/2 hour or more. In the end, I guess it really doesn't matter that much anyway - I have to wait until I test to find out if it's a BFP or BFN. Incorrect charts aren't going to make a difference in whether or not I've conceived. And at least I know that I O'd, and when.

Work has been fairly busy lately. Especially since I need to catch up after my week off. I've been trying not to stress about it, but I'll sure be glad when I'm finished the project that I'm working on. It seems to be going SOOO slowly.

On the plus side, school has been going well. For the class that I'm finishing up this month, I got excellent marks on my first two assignments. I'm not too worried about the final assignment/presentation or the final (take-home) exam. I love it when I have classes like this that go so smoothly for me. It's definitely a boost to my confidence, too.

I've been thinking about starting a new workout. I've done it before (lost 10 lbs in one month), but it's so expensive to join a gym, and I don't have enough equipment at home. And I don't want to join & then land up having to quit while I'm pregnant (or keep paying without being able to go), but I think that a pregnancy would benefit from more regular exercise than what I am getting right now. I do plan on having a tighter workout schedule when I'm on mat leave, but I won't be going to work or school, so it should be easier then (theoretically, anyway). I'm just so tired of having extra pounds, and I know that I feel more healthy and happy when I'm fit.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

It's now 12 DPO. I POAS today, but it was a BFN. It's so unfair that I have all of these pregnancy symptoms, but not a BFP to go with them. I know, it still may be too early yet. But it's still unfair. I've had sore bb's for almost 3 days, I've been very swollen in my lower abdomen, I've been peeing a little more frequently, really thirsty, extremely emotional, and then last night I started feeling nausious. And, of course, my chart still looks triphasic, and my temperature is still very high.

Then today, when I went to the bathroom, I think the tp was just a little bit pink. Not enough to even refer to as "spotting", but still... just a little off-colour, as if AF was going to come within the next few days. I'm scared that maybe I'm right.

Last time I was pregnant I had spotting at the beginning. But then, that one didn't end well, so that's not very comforting either. The next couple days are going to really suck. I'm going to try to wait until Tuesday before taking another test, since it will be 14 DPO. I hope I will have better luck on that day.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

The spotting continued last night and this morning. I think the witch is coming. My temp wasn't as high as it was yesterday or the day before, but it's still within the high range on my chart. I wonder if it's going to fall soon too.

Damn.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Last cycle my period started a couple days early, so I was expecting to know whether or not I'm pregnant by 14 DPO, yet here I am, and I'm more confused than ever. Here are the symptoms that have surfaced over the last week:

* A triphasic chart
* Sore breasts
* Occassional nausea
* Swelling in my lower abdomen
* More frequently needing to pee
* Slight swelling of my fingers - my rings are tighter than normal

I have never had a triphasic chart before, and I have only ever had sore breasts when I was pregnant. I have never experienced morning sickness before now (I'm assuming that's what the nausea is from). So, you can imagine that I'm pretty convinced that I either am, or was pregnant for this cycle.

My temperature hasn't been as high in the last couple days as it was in previous days, but there could also be another factor in that - my husband has been accidently waking me up early by sleeping through his alarm & making a lot of noise when he is getting ready. Even though I take my temp at the same time every day, I'm sure that waking me up an hour before my alarm probably causes slight changes in my temp. And even so, my temp is still above the line...

BUT, I'm still spotting. Now I almost always have exactly 2 days of spotting before my period starts. Last cycle though, I had only a little more than 1 day. For this cycle, it's now been 3 days of spotting including today. I would have expected it to start by now. Seeing as how it didn't, I took another pregnancy test. This is where it gets really frustrating...

Now, I happen to be one of those girls that stands there and watches the pink colour move up along the stick, waiting to see what lines appear. I guess I'm just not patient enough to walk away for 2 minutes while the test does it's thing. Keep in mind that it is laying flat on the counter though, and I'm pretty tall, so I'm not looking very closely at it. As the pink moved along the display, it looked like a BFN. So then after taking a few moments to finish, I pick it up to take a closer look, and I see a very, very faint line where the BFP should be. I tilt it a little to see if it changes depending on the light, and it doesn't appear to, but I still can't tell whether the line was really there, or if I was only seeing where the line would be if it was a BFP.... ??? I don't remember ever seeing where that line would be before, but I normally use a different brand of test (though almost identical in appearance).

I don't want to think that I'm pregnant if I'm not, so I'm going to take it as a BFN for now. If my period doesn't come within the next day or two, I'll take another test and we'll see what it says. I just wish I knew already. This wait really is killing me!!! Gah!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

AF finally started yesterday. Obviously I'm disappointed (again) that I'm not pregnant, but I am relieved that AF started for real before I needed to start Clomid, and I didn't just continue spotting. I've read that taking Clomid while pregnant can be really bad for baby, so I would hate to take the chance - seeing as how some women still spot during pregnancy. But I also wouldn't have wanted to skip this cycle if unnecessary.

So, I'm going to fill my prescription today after work, and start taking them tonight. This will be my third round - third time's the charm, right?

I don't really have high hopes for this cycle. Not really sure why, I guess I'm just feeling hopeless right now. But, I'm going to try to get my mind off things by focusing on myself for a while. I'm gonna start working out in the mornings again, and see if I can't loose 10-20 lbs by mid January (which is when I start 2 more classes, and therefore may not have a lot of time & energy to put into loosing weight). It would be great if I get pregnant in the meantime, but I just don't really see it happening.

I've also been fairly stressed at work lately. Maybe working out will help discard some of that stress. I can't imagine that stress helps concieve at all.

I read up on some local prices for things like IUI, IVF & etc. I can't believe how expensive they are! I know that my husband's insurance (which I'm covered under as well) covers at least some infertility treatments, so hopefully we won't have to worry about it too much if we have to go down those roads. Adoption, on the other hand, would be really expensive for us, as I'm sure it is for anyone that goes that route. Not that the cost would stop me - I'm determined to have children no matter what the cost. But still, it would be nice to avoid those financial burdens if at all possible.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Today is CD13. I began using my OPK's yesterday, and I figure I will continue to use them every day until either I ovulate, or I run out (around CD21). I also started with the ferning tests again. I haven't used it regularly since before the clomid, so I never got a chance to see it work (since I didn't ovulate). However, now that I'm ovulating maybe it will help pinpoint my most fertile days.

I'm still not feeling very positive about this cycle. I wonder if maybe I'm just not O'ing strong enough. I half expect my dr. to just up my dosage if this cycle doesn't work. I can just imagine how much worse the s/e's will be. This time around I cried every day that I took the clomid. I wasn't sad about anything particular, I just couldn't stop crying. I think my mom & my DH were getting a little worried by about the 4th day of it. Then, after I finished the pills, it suddenly stopped and I was fine again.

I've been really thinking about where I've been focusing my energies lately, and wondering if it's time for a change. If I take next semester off of school, then I won't have classes until April. Assuming I don't get pregnant between now and then, I could focus on getting in shape (going to the gym regularly, exercising in the mornings, eating more nutritious meals). By the beginning of May, I could probably loose the full 60 lbs that I need to loose (to be at or about my ideal weight). Of course, if I could make it that far, then I would probably want to keep going just a little while longer, and have a really lean & toned body. Wouldn't that be nice! Obviously if I was to get pregnant then my goals would change, but I wouldn't want to stop working out altogether - just readjust the intensity to ensure that it's appropriate.

To do this, I'm also trying to convince my boss to let me start & finish an hour earlier every day. That one hour will make a ton of difference, because the gym won't be nearly as packed, and my hours would match my mom's meaning we could go to the gym together. Having someone to go with makes things so much easier because you can cheer each other on, and keep each other motivated. I think it's easier to motivate someone else rather than oneself, as well as committing to that person to be there on time, etc. At least that's the way it is for me.

I don't want to stop ttc, since I don't want to further delay having children. I mean, what if it still takes another few years? Better to spend those couple years now rather than farther down the road. But I also think I need a break from all the stress of ttc. I don't want to go off whatever meds that the dr suggests, but I also don't want to be focusing all of my energy every month towards what lands up being disappointment. I just don't think I can handle it emotionally. So as you can probably see, I'm feeling really torn right now with what to do. I figure I'm going to keep temping, and trying to time things right with DH so that we don't miss any fertile windows of opportunity. BUT, I think I'm going to try not to hope for anything right now. If it happens then great, but if not, then that's just more time that I have for getting into shape. And maybe once I've lost a few lbs it will be easier on my body to get pregnant. I'm sure it would help during the pregnancy at least.

In any case, most of the changes that I'm making right now are in my own head. The direction I focus my energy. I'm not sure yet how it will work out, but trying can't hurt. Wish me luck!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

AF is here again & my temp fell this morning, so I'll be starting my fourth round of Clomid in a couple days. I wasn't really expecting any good news this cycle, since I didn't feel any of the symptoms that I've had before with pregnancy. It's still kinda depressing to be on my 4th round though.

I went in to see the doctor yesterday, and he says that I am "responding beautifully" to the Clomid, so my dosage will remain the same. Apparently my charts look great, and I'm well on my way to having a baby... not sure if I believe him though. I suggested that perhaps my LP is too short, and that I'm concerned about my progesterone levels. He didn't suspect any problems there, but agreed to send me in for b/w around 6-7 DPO. I just hope that I can easily tell which day I O, since he seems to think it's typically earlier than the FF software suggests, by around 3 or 4 days in some cases. But I figure I would rather go earlier than later, and I'm sure he will look at my chart when he gets the test results.

Oh, and he also said that I either O, or I don't - it's not about O'ing strong enough. I'm still not totally convinced though...

I suppose I should be happy that I'm O'ing every cycle. Somehow though, it just doesn't make me feel better about things. I wish I could just fast forward time until I'm at least 3 months pregnant. THAT would make me feel better... Wink

My good news is that I've already lost a few pounds (though since AF is here right now, it's only very little difference right now). I haven't been able to work out quite as regularily as I would like, but I'm gonna see if I can change that over the next couple weeks. And as soon as Christmas comes (less than 2 weeks!!!) I'll start a couple oil paintings, which should be a positive direction to funnel my energy & emotions. I just wish that DH & I had enough holidays to take a few days off work around the time that I should be ovulating every month. It sure seemed to make a difference when I went to SF, as well as last year when I went to Mexico (which is when I got pregnant the first time).

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

It's CD22 today, and I think I ovulated yesterday. My temp raised 1.2 degrees this morning, so hopefully it stays high. I've also been really good about bd'ing every day within the past few days, since DH & I were both on holidays, so all our bases should be covered.

I went out & bought some Robutussin at the drug store, but I didn't actually use it this cycle. If I'm not pregnant this time, then I figure I'm going to start using it every cycle until I am pregnant. I will be seeing my ob/gyn after I get my progesterone levels checked in about a week, so hopefully I'll remember to ask him about it, to see if he has an opinion or a better suggestion. It's a real pain to carry it around (to work, school, or wherever) so that I can take it 3 times a day, but lets face it - if it helps me get pregnant, then it's worth it.

The holidays were awesome this year. Not only did I get totally spoiled over Christmas, including a Nintendo Wii for which my husband stayed in line for 14 hours (overnight), but New Years was also a blast. We had friends come over & party with us, and we didn't go to bed until after 5am! I'm still trying to get my sleeping schedule back on track, of course, but it was definitely a great event.

So, time for the new years resolution, right? Well, does finally getting pregnant count? I suppose not... but I hate doing the cliche of "loosing weight". Plus, I was planning on doing so anyway, so it's not really for new years. I guess that leaves me with: spending more time on my artwork - whether it be oil painting, sketching, or anything else that allows me to express myself & (hopefully) decrease stress. Yeah, that's a better resolution. And fun, too! Smile

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

5 DPO today. Everything seems normal except for 2 things: I'm breaking out again, and my bb's are hurting really badly. It's different this time, since normally either just the nipples are over sensitive, or my bb's are tender if touched or bumped. This time it comes in periodic waves of sharp pains right in the middle. It's VERY uncomfortable, and all I can do is hope that this time all the s/e's will pay off!

Even though I am back to work now after the holidays, I haven't been overly busy. I've started my painting, and I'm trying to readjust to my regular sleeping hours, but I've pretty much decided not to take any classes this semester. If I only have a finite amount of time to be on the clomid, then I may as well make the most of it.

I've also decided to start using pre-seed, since I seemed more dry than normal this cycle (though it's really hard to tell with bd'ing so much at the same time in my cycle as when I would expect EWCM). I haven't picked up the preseed yet, but if I find it in any of the pharmacies this week then I'll pick some up, and if not then I will order some, but I'll wait until my period starts first.

I can't help but have hope for this month, or at least the next couple months (with clomid AND preseed), but I did still start researching other options. Specifically, all the different types of adoption as well as surrogacy. So far it sounds like surrogacy (in Canada specifically) would be the most ideal option, but possibly very expensive. Of course, I don't really care how expensive it is, I am determined to have a family. The next best choice for me would probably be adopting from the USA. It sounds like unwanted pregnancies in Canada are a little more likely to be terminated, or the women would choose to raise the children themselves. Plus the fact that (despite being bigger geographically), we only have 10% of the population that the States have. So yeah, it's nice to know that I have options if nothing else works, but there are still some more things to try before that (IUI, IVF...).

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Yesterday was 6 DPO and when I went to the bathroom last night, I saw the slightest bit of pink on the tp. That's right - spotting at 6 DPO. Could it maybe be implantation spotting??! If so, that's awesome, but I really hate to get my hopes up. I mean, maybe I completely misinterpreted my chart this cycle & I really ovulated a week earlier than I thought, and this is my period about to start. After all, FF friend thought I O'd on CD14... I had to manually override it to CD21. Or even worse - I could be experiencing a VERY short LP. Yeah, I think this symptom is either very very good, or very very bad. Update: the Dr later said that Clomid could have caused the spotting... :aak:

In any case, it's 7 DPO today (as far as I can tell). That means I have AT LEAST another week before I know whether this cycle is bringing me that elusive BFP. I'm going for the progesterone b/w today, and then hopefully I'll get to see my doctor in 2 or 3 days from now. I have to wait another hour or so before his offices are open & I can book the appointment.

This next week is going to be a really hard one to wait through. Wish me luck!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

So how depressing is this?! Spotting started on 10 DPO, and then AF came (albeit lightly) on 11DPO. It lasted for 8 days!!! I'm now on CD9 of my 5th cycle of clomid. I have my last two pills to take tonight, and then I'll just be waiting to O. Can't say I have any more faith in Clomid working for me. I think my LP is too short, but my gyn/ob doesn't seem to believe that short LP's are even a factor. So ok, if the LP isn't the problem, why not start testing me to figure out what is? *sigh* I need a new doc - preferrably an RE!!!

My gyn/ob also keeps bumping my appt. Last week I called his office 45 minutes before my appt (since I had to drive there from work). They confirmed my appt & I left the office, got all the way there & then found out that, Oh, Sorry... the doc's not coming in today. He's been held up. :WTF: So I have a third attempt at this appt thing on Tues. :angry2:

Ok, enough of the ranting. I am doing some positive things to move forward from where I am: I got all set up on the online program for my gym, so the machines will record my preferences and progress for me, and I'll even get emails periodically with news, tips, and a summary of what I've done so far. I'm heading to the gym right after work today for a workout, and then I'm going to get up & do cardio tomorrow. That's right, on a Saturday morning I'm not going to sleep in, but rather get up early & hop on my stationary bike. I bet that I will have a lot more energy throughout the day, and it'll help to get rid of my extra pounds!

The other thing I am doing is organizing my house. I've already done the living room & part of the dining room. Now I'm working on my bedroom, and next it will be my family room (which we use as an office), kitchen and garage. Once I'm done, I should have everything clean & tidy, all "stuff" that we aren't going to use anymore should be either thrown away or given away, and it should be really easy to find things, or to put them away. It already feels so nice to have a tidier living room, I can't wait until the rest is done too! Hopefully I'll get a good chunk of it done this weekend.

Oooh, and I also created a signature today, as well as uploading an avatar! Yay!!!

Well, it's Friday afternoon, and I have less than an hour left of work. Nice :wootjump:

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Warning - higher than normal volume of ranting & sarcasm below.

Well, it looks like the third time is the charm - at least in regards to getting in to see the dr. And what do you think his very first comment was? "Oh, it's been six weeks since we last saw you..." with a disapproving glance, as if I'VE been the one ignoring HIM. A few choice words come to mind here....

My progesterone level was apparently fine, at 34.5 on 8DPO. Thing is, spotting came on 10DPO, and my period came at 11DPO. Could it be dropping off or something to cause that? But he continues to ignore my question & states that 34.5 shows that I'm definitely ovulating. Funny, I didn't think that the question "Is my LP too short" sounded so much like "Am I ovulating". I rephrased my question, clarifying that I'm not worried about whether or not I'm ovulating, but rather my LP being too short, and he replied with - you guessed it - the same thing: I'm definitely ovulating. :WTF: Am I talking Greek or something?

So then I ask: what is the plan if next cycle (the 6th cycle on Clomid) doesn't work? What do we do next? His reply: keep going on (just) the Clomid. Nothing different, no tests done, just keep going on the Clomid. For how long you ask? Until I've been on it a full 12 months. Now, this doctor had also told me last time that anything more than 9 months on the Clomid is when they start to worry that I've been on it for too long... but he wants me on it for 12 months? It's not like it's known to cause cancer or anything... or wait a minute... IT IS!!! I then made the mistake of asking him why I would stay on (only) Clomid beyond 6 months, when statistically speaking it's not likely that I'll get pg on it? Well, after a while of berrating me for believing everything I read (damn Medical Journals lying to me again...) he patronized me asking why on earth I would want to jump into taking fertility drugs like the injectables where I'll land up having 5 or 6 babies at once. Right, except I'm probably more likely to win the lottery than have more than triplets, and there ARE things like, oh I dunno, IUI to try next! And what if I should be on the Clomid for the IUI? I can't very well do that if I have already been on it for 12 months, now can I? He didn't have a direct response for this - only to say that I'm being silly & I need to have more patience - the Clomid will work for me. Somehow I just don't have confidence in him after all this.

So during this lovely conversation, while he was explaining how unreasonable my expectations are, he pointed out that the chance of conception is only 20-25% each cycle for a healthy couple where the man's semen is of normal levels & a woman's tubes aren't blocked. Ok, except I have one little problem with this statement... WE DON'T KNOW whether my tubes are blocked, or whether Ryan has healthy sperm. Why don't we know? Well because the dr has refused to send us in for tests up until now, because he didn't see a reason for it (even though I argued with him on the subject from day 1). He then looks surprised & asks me why we haven't had a S/A done yet. Now this just makes me wonder if he's TRYING to pick a fight with me. Come to think of it, hitting him WOULD eliviate some of my stress & frustration. :chairha!: I wonder if clomid would be a reasonable excuse for temporary insanity in the criminal court system....

In any case, I demanded tests be done, so he's ALLOWING me to go in for an HSG, and Ryan gets to do a S/A. Thank goodness for the cooperation of such a wonderful doctor - I don't know where we would be without him. I also pressed the matter of what the "next step" is after Clomid, regardless of how long he wants me on it. He said that he would then refer me to a fertility clinic, and specifically named one that I had already been reading up on online. Based on all this, here's my plan:
1) I will continue on this cycle (5th round of clomid).
2) If it's unsuccessful I'll get the S/A & HSG done - we have to wait until after I ovulate to do the S/A since we need to obstain for 48-72 hours prior to the test, and I have to ensure there's no possibility of being pregnant when I go in for the HSG.
3) I'll go into the 6th cycle of Clomid while I wait for the results of the tests.
4) If I am not pregnant from the 6th cycle of Clomid, I'll go to the fertility clinic regardless of the test results. They can help me decide what the best direction is based on the results, whether it is in correcting a problem found, or otherwise. If needed, I'm sure my family dr. will give me a referral, but I kinda wonder if they even need a referral.

The other thing that I'm going to have to deal with is weight. Now, I'm not THAT overweight, but I could definitely loose some. If I was to loose 50-60 lbs, I would be at my ideal weight. No more than 60 though, as that would mean either having too low of a body fat % or loosing muscle, either of which is bad. I definitely should loose at least 30 lbs though. Over christmas I gained a little under 5 lbs, but I've already gotten rid of that by working out, so I'm already on the right track. I just need to ensure that I keep going. The gym hasn't been great, but I'm thinking that switching to pilates rather than doing the weight training will probably help just as much, especially with shape, and I enjoy it so much more. The lbs need to come off via the cardio though, which I keep doing sporatically at home. I need to get tough with myself and ensure that I am committing to 3-4 sessions per week of cardio. :kaos16: This has worked for me in the past (I lost 10 lbs/month!) but I don't enjoy the getting up early part at all. I'm just going to have to suck it up!

So, I guess I'm just going to take things one day at a time. It's really all I can do. The good part is that now I have a plan, which makes me feel MUCH better about my situation. Oh, and my Pre-seed arrived yesterday! :jumpingbeans:

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I'm quite happy with myself today. Biggrin I worked out over the weekend on my stationary bike, and dropped a 1/2 lb already. Now I just need to keep it up! I even had a really healthy dinner last night, with grilled chicken, veggies & 1/2 potato. Tasty & good for me. I bought a bunch of veggies when we went grocery shopping, since I don't get enough of them on a regular basis. It's a step in the right direction anyway.

I also tried the preseed for the first time last night. (Warning: this may be TMI for some...) It was kinda weird b/c the directions said to use it UP TO 15 minutes before intercourse... so I figure that meant up to 15 minutes before ejaculation, which meant that I had to wait until part way through & then stop to use it (not unlike stopping for him to put on a condom, I suppose). :Whistle: Hard to not kill the moment in this case, but it was relatively quick. It probably took longer to open the package than anything else.

My temp didn't rise all that high today, but it was still .5 degrees higher than yesterday's. I'm hoping that tomorrow's goes up more dramatically. It would be nice!

I went to a party on the weekend. It was nice b/c the people that were there were pretty cool, but I still had a headache from my new glasses, so I wasn't as upbeat as I could've been otherwise. Hopefully next time things work out better. I also found that I couldn't stay up as late as many of them. By the time we left (1am?) I was so exhausted that I couldn't wait to just climb into bed. The rest were on their way out for a walk b/c they had too much energy to burn off. Geez, do I feel old. I used to have so much stamina, what the heck happened?

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

It's now 13 DPO on my 5th cycle. Two days ago I got a BFN, but when I got up this morning I decided to try again. I waited the 3 minutes as per the instructions, and guess what - there was a second line!!! It was VERY faint, but it was still there. I couldn't believe it. I even had to get Ryan to look at it, since I figured I may just be halucinating, but sure enough he saw it too. He's a little skeptical, since it was so faint, so he said he wants to wait a couple days before getting excited. Not sure that I can do that though. I am going to try to keep my mouth shut around my friends, family & colleagues, but I just HAD to tell my mom & the girls on the Clomid board. I'm so worried that something bad will happen within the coming weeks, but I'm also so delighted at such a good possibility that I could land up being a mother in 9 months from now!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

The EDD is Oct 24th, which I think is totally awesome. Baby would be about 2 months old at Christmas time when I get to visit with all of my family. I know, I know, I shouldn't be thinking so far into the future since we still don't know if the little bean will stick this time around, but I can't help it - I'm just too excited. As I was walking around the house yesterday, I could sware I heard little giggles from toddlers running down the hallway. How absolutely wonderful that it might come to be.

My mom is just going crazy with excitement. She calls me up & asks "How is Mommy doing?"... Lol She can't wait to take me shopping for maternity clothes, baby clothes, and baby furniture. This baby is going to have SOOO much love and attention from everyone in my family. I can't wait until I can start telling everyone! I need to wait until I at LEAST hear the heartbeat before telling my family, and I'm going to try to wait until the start of the second trimester before telling everyone at work.

I looked up both Midwives and Doulas online, and it seems there are lots available in my area. Apparently it's a choice between a doctor and a midwife, but if there are any complications then the midwife will transfer care to an appropriate doctor (i.e. OB or other specialist). One of the benefits of a midwife is that they offer the choice for home births. I must admit - this is very tempting. But then, I have lots of time to think about these things. I think maybe I'll go in for a consultation, and perhaps ask my family doctor's opinion as well.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
Finally a BFP (pg ment)

Well, I'm now on 16DPO with no spotting & high temps. The BFP's that I got earlier in the week had me pretty excited, but now the news is starting to sink in, and I have a very good feeling about this pregnancy. I know that there is still a chance for things to go downhill, but already it's better than the last one (I had spotting almost all the way through).

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well, things seem to be going well so far. I PIAC last night at my family doc's office, and of course the test came back +, so she agreed to send me in for b/w to check the levels & make sure everything is looking good. So... I've decided to start a pregnancy journal. It might be a little early, and I guess I partly feel like I'm REALLY getting my hopes up by doing so (as well as joining the Oct 2007 board), but then I am just going crazy with delight, so I may as well. Wish me luck!

If you've made it this far, then thanks for reading. I've found so much support from all the other wonderful women (and a couple spouses) on the preg.org boards. I hope I can provide even a fraction of the same. If you want to check out my pregnancy journal, you can find it at the following link: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboards/showthread.php?t=14077

:bigarmhug: