A Stitch in Time "Makes" 9

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A Stitch in Time "Makes" 9

let me try this again, i had written my intro here, then erased it when i found out my father had cancer and I wasn't sure what path that was going to take us down. Now that we're still on the preparing to ttc, I'm ready to post my intro here.

Right now, I am 30 and my SO/future DH is 39. He had a vasectomy which we plan to get reversed. Our tentative timeline is to get it reversed in May, we'll get married in September, and we'll begin actively trying once we're married. We'll use birth control between May and September.

I've got to get to work now, I'll write more later.

Lori

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Well, we're still moving forward with our plans of trying to conceive. We had a consultation regarding getting SO's vas reversed. Looks like it should be within our reach financially so that's great. In the mean time, my cycle, which has always been REGULAR, has suddenly started changing. It's all over the place. I was extremely regular with a 25 day cycle, now it's sometimes 21 days, sometimes 23, and i often times start spotting before i actually start my period.

Our plan is that I will go in after this cycle to have a check up and make sure there's not some problem with me. Then in late May we'll have the vas reversed and use birth control until after we're married. Marriage is scheduled for September. We plan to go to Greece and get married over there. It should be awesome. I'll probably quit using birth control shortly before the wedding. The timing should work out well, because we've heard that best chances of conceiving start at 6 months post operation, so we'll both be ready at that time. By November, I'll have had a few months off of birth control and he'll be 6 months post-op.

Lori

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We had a bit of a scare yesterday. We were trying to get our finances figured out more accurately regarding the reversal and wedding, so we called the doc's office to get the exact figures for our reversal. They had given us some estimates, but nothing exact. Well the lady figures it all up and proceeds to tell us a figure that's nearly $3000 more than what we'd already been told. This put the reversal just out of our reach. We started to try to figure ways to shave costs on the wedding and finally started discussing just canning the idea of having a child together. Then we started talking and it just seemed to odd that we got 2 estimates that were so much lower (one from a lady in the office and one from the doc himself). So we called back and it was an error on their part! We don't have to change our plans for the reversal.

On the wedding front, we have taken a very close look at our schedules and October actually works better than September for us to get away for a week to get married. So we've settled on an October date. Probably the 9th or right around that date! Things are really starting to come together.

As far as my cycle goes, this month i made it to day 24 before i started spotting. That is today. I should actually see AF full force tomorrow. So I'm going to try to get an appointment this month to see if there's a reason i've started spotting prior to AF. I hope it's nothing.

Well that's all for today. Best of luck to all the ladies here who are actively ttc. I read your journals and feel like I take that monthly ride with you. I find myself hoping that you'll get BFP's, and i wait with you through the 2ww and anxiously return to the boards to see if you've tested. I guess I'm already addicted to the boards...i'm going to be terrible when I start actively trying.

Lori

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AF arrived today on schedule. That's way better than the 21 day cycle i had last month. I only had 1 day of spotting prior to starting this month so that 's good too. Last month was terrible. I started spotting on CD 19. That's not much of a break and definitely wouldn't be conducive to conceiving. I'd sure like to see my cycles go back to normal. I'm worried that there is something wrong with me that will interfere with ttc. We're already going to have less than desireable odds for conceiving due to the vasectomy reversal, but if there's something wrong with me then that's really going to suck.

There's not much else to report. The weather is beautiful and i wish i wasn't at work. NO MORE WORK :protest:

Lori

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Well, I think we've settled on a date for the reversal surgery. May 20th. It's kinda scary because we actually don't want to get pregnant until after October, but it's going to be so hard to not just start ttc, since it'll finally be possible. We'll be strong though since I want to be able to fully enjoy our trip to greece.

I started AF on 4/3/05. She was preceded by 2 days of spotting. That made my cycle this past month 24 days, w/spotting starting on the 22nd day. I O'd on day 11, which made my LP about 13 days, but I'm worried that spotting on day 11 of my LP will cause problems with having a baby stick once we start ttc. I'm going to try to get in to see my doc next week since I'll need to talk to her about birth control anyhow. I'm going to have her look into this issue of spottting and pain I'm having with intercourse during my LP.

I'll try to update after i speak with my doc.

Lori

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I got my doctor's appointment scheduled for the evening of 4/21/05. I'm a little nervous about going. It will be very disappointing if there is something wrong that could cause fertility issues. Since we both already have children, we've agreed that we're not going to go to drastic measures to conceive. We'll reverse the vasectomy and leave it to the powers that be. If we're meant to have this child it will happen. I suppose that if there's something wrong with me that may prevent conception then I'll have to accept that as being not meant to be.

I need to just quit worrying about it all, I guess. At least until after i see my doc.

Until next time,

Lori

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maybe i'm jumping the gun here, but i ordered a bbt thermometer and a saliva microscope today. I have pretty much decided that i don't want to go on the pill for a short period of time and then have to wait to start o'ing again after going off the pill. Instead I'm going to try to use a more natural approach to bc during may through oct. I'm going to begin charting and tracking my fertility and just use condoms or abstain during the fertile times. The doctor explained that most likely for the first several months after the reversal that it would be highly unlikely that i would get pregnant anyhow, so i think a more natural method of bc will work well. Plus I'll have tons of information about my cycle by the time that we do actively begin ttc'ing.

I'm sure SO is going to just look at me with that smile that says, "You're a goofball and i love it" when i tell him that i've ordered this stuff. He knows how anal i can be about things when i set my mind to something. He's the same way! I love him so much.

I did go to a baby shower yesterday. It was so fun to sit there and look at all the baby things and imagine that next year i could be going through all of this myself. Then after the shower i went to my son's conference and his teacher just had a baby at the end of last week and she was there with the baby. OMG, i just wanted to grab it and bury my nose in it's sweet hair. I've got the baby bug so bad it's not funny. So does SO though. Last month we had a friend over who has a 5 month old baby and SO and I spent the whole night fighting over who gets to hold the baby. Biggrin

I'll write next week after my appointment.

Lori

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I just got a call from my doc's office. I guess her father died last night so they had to reschedule my appointment to 4/25/05. I'm hoping i don't start AF or spotting by then. If my cycle goes the full 25 days I won't actually see AF until the 4/28, with spotting on the 4/26 and/or 4/27.

Hopefully i wont' have to cancel my appointment due to another short cycle. I'll update next week after my appointment or sooner if the appointment gets cancelled.

I should be getting my bbt thermometer and microscope soon! Possibly today even! I'm so excited to start learning my cycle better. One more step closer to holding my little baby in my arms as soon as next year!

Lori

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I had my appointment last night. She seemed pretty much unconcerned with the spotting. Indicated it could just be part of getting older. When I stated my concerns about implantation issues in the near future she stated that I still have a decent length LP and that it shouldn't be a problem, but if i do get pregnant and miscarry, then we'll use progesterone suppositories on a subsequent pregnancy.

The painful intercourse during my LP she thinks is probably caused by a large corpus luteum cyst after ovulation. She said that the fallopian tubes can actually be pushed against it during intercourse and cause quite a bit of pain. SOOOO, she actually convinced me to go on birth control pills for a short while as a temporary fix for my issues. I won't ovulate, so no pain, I'm going to try the pills that you don't have a period for 3 months, so i won't have the monthly spotting and she said that going on then back off again could put my body back to a more normal cycle. We'll see. Now i feel like a dork for getting the bbt thermometer and the microscope, but i know i'll use them after i get off the pill.

As far as my cycle goes, I started spotting today. It's CD 23 so that's about par for my course! I'll probably not post for a while since there's not much going to be happening with my body for a while since i'll be on the pill. I guess I'll post in May after the reversal when we find out how successful that is. Good luck to all of you actively ttc, i'll be back in a few months to officially join you.

Lori

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Well, it's been a LONG time since I posted, though I've been reading daily all this time. I keep all you ladies here in the TTC journals in my thoughts, especially Cazz.

Our plans for TTC and getting married got postponed due to DF's ex deciding to move their kids out of the state. That was devastating. We're finally recovering from that and ready to move forward with all of our plans. I was really hoping to be pregnant by now, but sadly we still haven't been able to do the reversal.

Anyhow, we've gotten back on our feet again and we're making plans for his vasectomy reversal to happen in early 2006 along with getting married. Probably in February. I'll update when I know more.

Baby Dust to all who are still TTC :babydustblue:

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We have a date for the reversal!!!!!!!!!!!!! January 30th! I'm so excited and scared at the same time. I'm scared that the surgery won't go as planned and that they won't be able to restore fertility. We have agreed not to pursue any majorly invasive methods of TTC. We both decided that we would do the reversal and leave it to the powers that be. If this doesn't work it's going to be very sad. It's our only hope for conceiving.

My cycles are stabalized now at 25 days. I've been tracking and I seem to ovulate regularly on CD11 then AF visits 14DPO. That is a relief to have my body acting regularly again. It feels like half of our battle is won.

Well I should get busy. We have our pre-op appointment on the 26th so I'll post more after that!

I might get to become a mommy in 2006 or 2007!!!!!

Lori

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I forgot to add yesterday that I have also started losing weight while i wait to be able to get pregnant. I started in November 2005 and have lost 11.5 pounds as of this morning! I've put my progress in my signature! It really feels like things are coming together for us.

Lori

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I'm pretty bummed out right now. The doc's office called and rescheduled the vasectomy reversal from Jan 30th to Feb 15th. I think maybe it's because AF is supposed to be here in a few days, but this schedule change has really got me down for some reason. It feels like we're never going to reach the point where we can begin to TTC. I keep trying to give myself pep talks and to remember that everything happens for a reason, but it's hard to not feel a little funky with the :witch: just around the corner. I know that it's only 2 weeks further than the original date, but as you all know, 2 weeks can feel like a lifetime.

I guess maybe I should just view it as practice for TTC. I get to experience my first 2ww before it's even possible to get pregnant. How ironic is that? I suppose I should get used to all of this hurry up and wait stuff. Well, i feel better now that I put it all into perspective here in my journal. This is meant to get me ready for TTC. I can deal with that Biggrin

Well, i'll update after the pre-op appointment which is now Feb 6th, if i have any new info at that point.

Lori

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Well i don't really have anything new to report. The pre-op is Monday at 11:30am PST. I'm getting excited about that. I can't believe that in about 2 months time I can begin this journey whole-heartedly. I'm excited, scared, nervous, worried, happy, and a bunch of other emotions all at the same time. It's crazy.

I should get back to work, I'm just too distracted by thoughts of TTC to be able to really work.

Until next time,

Lori

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Well we got the pre-op done. The doctor tried really hard to prepare us to be realistic in our expectaions. He spoke to us at length about our mental states going into this and tried to make sure we understood the statistics. I think that we both have a good outlook on this. Since we've both had children in previous relationships we don't really have our hopes and dreams pinned on conceiving a child. We really both feel that we should just make it possible and then let it happen if it will. Though I will do what i can to help make it happen! :Whistle:

We go in on the morning of Feb 15th at 6am. I'm so glad it's after Valentine's Day, so we can have a night of romance :bwush: before the surgery, since the doc suggests no :sex: until a month after the surgery. They will take a sample of the fluid at the time of surgery, then they will do the next SA at 90 days post op. So only 1 week until the surgery!

I also got into a minor car accident on Friday night. I've never been in an accident before and it's really scary. It wasn't my fault, thank goodness, but the other driver didn't have insurance. It totally sucks because my car isn't horribly damaged, but it's messed up enough that I can't drive it. Hopefully we'll get it fixed up soon. The accident happened because the other driver was following too closely and not paying attention, so when i slowed down and signaled i was turning, they didn't realize and nearly rear-ended me, but decided at the last minute to pass me on my left side while I was trying to turn left. Nobody was hurt badly. I had my oldest son with me and he was scared but unhurt. And I could say the same for myself, scared but unhurt. All in all, it was scary, but the outcome was better than it could have been.

I'll update after the surgery with fluid results.

Lori

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Well, the surgery is done! The doctor said that it went well and that things looked pretty good. We'll get results of how the fluid samples taken at surgery looked on monday 2/20/06 at our post op appointment. SO is doing really good so far, but the pain meds haven't begun to wear off yet. The surgery ended up being quite a bit less money than we expected because the center where we had it done quoted us for anesthesia, but the doctor just did local anesthetic, so we didn't have to pay the anesthesiologists fee! Guess we can put that money toward HPT's!

I'll update again after the post op, then will probably be fairly quiet for a while until we're able to start to BD.

Good luck to all,

Lori

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1 day post-op. The pain has remained managable with the medication that the doc prescribed. SO is doing really good about staying down and not trying to do too much. I rather think that he is enjoying having me wait on him hand and foot. Which is ok because I'm enjoying the opportunity to take care of him. I feel bad, but I had to come to work today as I don't have enough time off accrued right now to take more days off. :cry:

I'm thinking about introducing myself on the TTC 0-12month board. I'm a little nervous about it because I'm not quite at the point of actually trying. Heck, I'm not even BD'ing for the next 4 weeks. But I did look at the calendar and noticed that I should be ovulating on or around March 18th, so there is a chance that it could happen right after our 4 weeks of waiting for it to heal. I know that the chance is very slim so soon after surgery and that it could take a while before he's got a good quality of sperm and that there's a chance he won't ever get good quality or quantity of spermeven after surgery. I'm trying to be realistic, but sometimes it's hard not to get dreamy and excited.

I'd better get busy,

Lori

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2 days post-op...the recovery is going well. The pain is nearly gone and is manageable with ibuprofen. We got him up and showered yesterday and got our first look at the wounds. I was a little :shock: by the swelling, even without gauze wrapped around his stuff, he was still walking like a cowboy after a long ride Lol ! All in all, it looks pretty good though. I have to say that even if we never conceive a child I'm glad that we were able to get the reversal done. Having the vasectomy was something that SO never wanted done in the first place, but his ex convinced him to do it. So if nothing else, he feels whole again and I'm happy about that.

I did change the title of my journal today. I figured that we're not really in preparation mode for TTC anymore, we've actually, officially started the journey.

Lori

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6 DPO (days post operation) Biggrin We went to the see the doc yesterday and he said that all looks well. He was pleased with the ease with which he was able to perform the surgery and he stated that fluid samples he took look promising. He said that the fluid on one side was very clear, almost like water and that the fluid on the other side was murky. I guess the clear fluid indicates a good outcome. He stated that the side that murky also indicated that we should have positive results, I guess the only thing they don't like to see is when the fluid isn't liquidy at all, but more like cottage cheese. He said that all the fluid was very liquidy. We're pleased with that. We'll do an official SA around mid-May. That waiting is going to suck, but not nearly as bad as the waiting we have to do right now. It's been a week since we've had :sex: and we have 3 more weeks to go. It's torture.

Better get back to work now.

Lori

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Well it's been 2 weeks and 4 days since the surgery. The swelling and bruising are all gone and there are only moments of discomfort if he sneezes or sits wrong. It's getting harder and harder not to BD since he feels so good. We've never gone this long before so it's been difficult for us. We'll make it though! We're really interested in finding out the results of the surgery, so much so that we bought our own microscope and semen analysis kit. We won't be having an official SA until May, so this will give us a chance to hopefully be able to have a clue.

In other news, he took me to buy a ring last weekend! It's absolutely beautiful. I picked out a round .5 carat solitaire on a platinum band. I also picked out a really pretty band to go with it that has about 6 channel set diamonds in it. They weren't sold together as a set, but they look gorgeous together. We also picked out a really nice band for him. We don't really have a date set, we're kinda just planning on eloping some weekend soon. Since we've both been previously married we don't really see the point of having a full wedding, especially when we could use the money elsewhere.

I'm on CD1 right now. I know it's highly unlikely that I'd get pregnant on our first cycle, but I'll be ovulating right about the time that we're free to start BD'ing. It would be cool, but i'm not going to get my hopes up.

Well I should get busy, my laundry is calling me.

Lori

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OK, so we didn't make it until 4 weeks. But at least we got to 3 weeks before we BD'd. Now i'm worried that we ruined the surgery. Gosh we're so impatient. Dumb, dumb, dumb!!! I must say though that it was wonderful, emotionally and physically. We connect so deeply in that way that it's hard to go so long without that connection. He had no pain or anything so that was really good.

In other news I bought the dress that i wanted. I found it on ebay in my size so that was awesome. Not sure if I should link to the dress here but i'm going to anyhow. http://www.edenbridals.com/product_info.php?products_id=543&osCsid=837f51790f0913768e8f5b28a2ee678d We've got a few weekends available in April and May that we could use to run away and get married.

Other than that, I should be ovulating in about 7 days. I'm sure we won't be creating a baby next week, but we'll get in some good practice.

I also wanted to thank all of you that have pm'd me. I appreciate the words of encouragement. It means so very much to me.

Gotta get back to work,

Lori

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I can tell i'm a few days out from ovulation. I've got a few pimples that showed up this morning. That's a sure sign for me that my hormones are getting ready surge.

We had a nice weekend. We went out Friday night and celebrated our engagement with a nice dinner. That was really nice. So now I can officially wear the ring that I picked out 2 weeks ago. It's beautiful. Even though I knew he was going to do it, he officially proposed. He even got down on one knee. He made me cry (good tears) with all the things he said during his proposal. It was great.

We also looked at a little drop of semen under the scope this weekend. We saw lots of sperm. Most of them weren't moving, but some were. That was very encouraging. At least we know that there is a clear path from point A to the exit. It was amazing how many there were in a single drop of semen.

Well I should get going. By the end of this week i'll be in my first 2ww!

Lori

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Well it looks like i'll be out of this cycle. Of all the bad luck, my 3 year old was laying on the couch that DF was sitting on and somehow ended up kicking DF in the balls. Now they are sore and tender. So I'll be ovulating today or tomorrow and likely won't be able to do anything about it. I know it's highly likely that I wouldn't get pregnant anyhow, but this still just sucks. :cry:

Lori

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:bluesad: Well I feel the twinges of ovulation this morning and DF is still too sore. The swelling has gone down from being kicked, but he's still feeling too nervous to even cuddle up too close to me at night. I'm so bummed because we had just reached the point where he was relaxing about BD'ing. Since the surgery he's been a little nervous during our BD sessions even though he hadn't experienced any pain. Now we'll have to work through that again. Oh well, we'll get there!

It's my sister's birthday today. She's turning 17. I can't believe how fast time goes. Seems like just yesterday that she was born. I made her a cake last night. It's a checkerboard cake and i made it brown and green since her favorite color is green and tomorrow is St. Patty's Day. I hope she likes it.

Well I should get going. I'm feeling pretty down overall and don't want to keep typing and end up just whining about missing an egg that we probably wouldn't have fertilized anyhow, even if we did BD.

I'll write more when I'm feeling more positive Fool

Lori

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I talked to DF and he said he's had a vast improvement in how he's feeling "down there" today. He thinks we can try to catch my egg tonight! Still only a miniscule chance that we would be able to at this point, but it feels better to at least try instead of just passing it up.

YIPEEE!

Lori

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Well we gave it our best shot. We should know by the 31st of this month if we caught the egg. I don't have a lot of confidence since the sample we looked at under our microscope last week didn't have a lot of movement, but it only takes 1 right? I'm not giving up hope until i see the witch.

We are planning our wedding for May 6th. Plans are moving along well, we've settled on going to Yosemite and getting married in the park. I'm excited about that. I got my dress last week and it fits! Even if i get pregnant right away, it should still fit on May 6th. The way it fits now, i could probably stand to bring it in just a little, but I hesitate to do that with TTC.

Well I'd better get to work now. I sure hope there is a little miracle forming inside of me right now!

Lori

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I'm 5DPO and still hoping we had some good enough swimmers. We did a big no-no this weekend though. We went and got a hot tub. We have been planning on buying one for months and the price was right so we decided to go ahead and get it. We set the temp to 100, but i'm still a little nervous about using it. It appears that the jury is out regarding safe hot tub temps while ttc. I know that i won't be using it during the 2ww. I got in for a short while last night, but it hadn't warmed fully yet. It was 97f when i was in it, so that's safe and still felt nice. I'm a little nervous regarding DF using it. It can kill sperm if he gets too hot. I feel good with the having it between 97-99, but he wants to set it at about 101...i don't think that's very good. So we've settled on 100 for the time being.

I plan on testing on the 30th or 31st unless AF finds me first.

Lori

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6DPO - We had an argument last night. It actually ended up being our first argument about TTC. It started out as something different but morphed into this big thing about my hopes for being pregnant this cycle and his lack there of. This can't be a good thing that we're fighting on the first cycle of trying. I guess I thought we were on the same page, turns out we're not really. So we agreed that until he feels good enough about his sperm count, I will be keeping my hopes and thoughts about conceiving to myself. It's for the best really because it's hard to put your hopes out there and continually have them struck down. I'm guessing it's a protection thing for him. He's not wanting to get his hopes up to have them dashed out in a couple of weeks.

I'm so glad I have this journal to safely share my hopes and dreams. I don't know what I'd do without it.

Lori

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OMG - I've been attacked by zits. I woke up with 6 on various locations on my face. Most of them are relatively small, but the leader of the pack is a giant growth right between my eyes, kinda on the bridge of my nose. I don't think I usually break out so soon in my cycle. It may be stress from the argument, but I wanted to note it in my journal so that if it happens at DPO 6 next month I'll know it's normal for me. I also felt some cramping today, but I figure it's probably gas. I don't usually pay such close attention to every twinge.

We're still not back to normal after our argument yet, it's kind of morphed into an argument about the wedding plans now. Something is really bothering him and I can't seem to figure out what it is. He's really upset with me and I don't know why. I've tried apologizing for everything i can think of, but maybe he just wants to be mad for a while. He tends to be the type that tries to stuff his feelings away and ignore them until he can't anymore. Then he gets upset over things that don't normally upset him until it finally all comes out. I'm riding it out trying to not get too upset over the small things (which is hard) and i'm hoping that we get to the bottom of this soon.

Lori

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MEN!!! Ok, so we had that argument and agreed that until he feels confident with he sperm count that I won't express my hopes during the 2ww. I'm fine with that and completely understand his feelings.....so what does he go and do? He makes a comment last night about me possibly being pregnant. He noticed how broke out i was (which has gotten worse since yesterday) then he says "Maybe you are pregnant!" OMG I wanted to acknowledge his comment and smile and imagine for just a moment. But I couldn't. I just kept right on talking past his comment. He didn't say anything else and I think it surprised him that he even said it out loud. I just have to smile thinking about it though, he can't contain his hopes any better than i can Biggrin

Otherwise, things are going well. We seem to have reached an end to the argument for now. I'm not sure if I found the source of his feelings, but I have a general idea about what it might be. I've chosen not to push him right now for any answers about the last few days. I think he probably needs time to sort out what he's feeling. I can give him that. I love him :love3: despite his inability to process emotions sometimes.

Lori

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8DPO - not really feeling anything to indicate pregnancy. My face is starting to clear up which i'm thankful for. Not too much else is happening. I'm tired, but that's very normal...I'm bloated, but that's also very normal. I have been having some odd headaches, but I'm certain that's probably stress. I've had them before in my life at times when i've been stressed. For now I guess it's just wait and see.

I actually posted on the Dec '06 board, just to see how it felt. Oddly enough, it was a little scary. Feels like i'm definitely putting the cart before the horse. But it was nice to read posts from other women obsessing and hoping!

I better get back to work. 7 days until I test or see the witch!

Lori

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I just went to the restroom and probably TMI but there was a twinge of pink with some watery cm on the toilet paper. So I reached up there and got some CM directly from my cervix and wiped that on the toilet paper and it was definitely pink. So I'm guessing I'm out this cycle. It's not common that I have a 21 day cycle, but it's not completely out of the question. I'll know by tomorrow I guess. I do feel a little crampy. My first hope was implantation bleeding and I still would like to hope that, but it would be so nearly impossible to conceive so quickly post-op that i'm definitely not going to let myself believe it at this point.

I'll post more when I know more.

Lori

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Well, back to CD1. The spotting on friday definitely wasn't implantation. I tried not to get my hopes up that it was, but when i hadn't started AF by Sunday I did get hopeful and I did POAS. BFN of course, but it was fun none the less. I'm not disappointed at this point in time. I'd actually like to get through the wedding first and then conceive after that.

I think my cycles was short because I've been pretty stressed lately. I'm still keeping my ticker at 25 days because that's more normal for me.

I had better get busy,

Lori

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Why does the :witch: have to toy with us TTCer's so darn much? I still seem to be just spotting. It's definitely red spotting, but i've seen nothing since the bit that i saw first thing this morning. I do feel like i'm going to start though, so it's probably just a matter of time.

HURRY UP YOU :witch:! Let's get this show on the road and get onto the next cycle already!

Lori

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Well, I still haven't started yet. I had bright red spotting yesterday morning and nothing since then. It was so red and there was so much that I just assumed AF was here. I was actually relieved to see her because not knowing was driving me crazy. It just felt good to "know for sure" and start moving on. Now I'm right back where I was all weekend. Thinking about "what if?" and trying to convince myself it's possible that i could be pregnant, but in the next thought trying to convince myself that it's completely impossible and that AF is on her way.

I'll update later if the :witch: makes an appearance.....hell, I'll also probably update later if she doesn't. This journal is the best outlet for me when the voices in my head get too loud Lol

Lori

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I'm still waiting, though not so patiently. I went home for my lunch and POAS'd....BFN of course, but dang i've never had spotting like this before. In the past when I had trouble with spotting it would be like a day of progressive spotting, starting small and increasing until it turned into AF. This is just so weird. Still not a drop since yesterday morning. What the heck is going on with my body?

I have to be strong and just hold out to test again until Thursday. It's official, i'm a POAS-aholic!!!

Lori

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I still haven't seen the witch. Hopefully she'll be here by tomorrow, if not i'll POAS one more time. I saw a little more brownish spotting last night after I rode my exercise bike, but once again there has been nothing since then. I'm more than a little confused by all of this spotting. I'm working on focusing on some other things right now. I feel a little obsessed by this and maybe that's what is causing my body to act so weird. I'm going to just figure she'll be here tomorrow and ignore what my body is doing between now and then.

Currently I'm focusing on my diet. I had lost about 11.5 pounds and i gained some of that back, but have got myself back on track. Currently i've lost 9 pounds total from my starting weight so i have 17 pounds that i'd still like to lose before getting pregnant. Plus eating healthier will be a benefit to my baby when i conceive.

I will update as soon as I know for sure what is going on with my body, but I'm going to try not to post every little change along the way....it's making me :goofy:

Lori

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She's here! WAHOO!! Gosh I never thought I'd be so happy to see this witch. She hit me yesterday at about 5pm. I think I prefer knowing that I'm not pregnant to spending the days wondering about every twitch and twinge my body makes. Man that 2ww makes me crazy. I admire all the women here who have been doing this for months and years. I hope that I don't have to go through it too many more times. I think next month I'm going to get better control of myself and just let things be until test date.

I should get going, the cramping has set in and i need to take something for it. I plan to spend my weekend in the hot tub drinking frozen drinks since I haven't got to enjoy my new hot tub yet!

Lori

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It's been a while since i updated. It's currently CD 8 and I'm kinda in a little funk this month. So many things are happening so quickly in my life and I think it all finally caught up with me. I'm trying to figure out if I'm having cold feet about the wedding and having a baby. I know it's probably hormonal, i have normal ups and downs throughout my cycle. But as the wedding day approaches I'm getting more and more unsure of myself. Maybe this is normal. I just don't know. This probably isn't the place to journal about this so I'm going to close for now. I'll update more when I can get myself to a better place.

Lori

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cd 12. I should have O'd either yesterday or today. I know it's happening, but I won't know exactly when because I've been having awful headaches and have been taking so much medicine for those that I won't feel my O pain this month. DF and I made love quite a few times this weekend. I definitely wouldn't call it BDing. It was about us connecting and not about trying to make a baby. It was really nice. I haven't let my mind go crazy thinking about if there is a baby forming in there like I did last month. Maybe it's because I'm more concerned with these headaches.

We talked about postponing the wedding this weekend. I think between planning for a wedding and preparing for a baby that we've kind of lost sight of us. It was scaring me. I felt so distant from him. So disconnected. We decided to work on us for a few weeks before we decide about postponing. As far as having a baby goes, we talked about using birth control for a while until things settle, but I think that DF has me pretty much convinced that our chances of conceiving so soon are nearly non-existant. So we spent the weekend together, we made love and we focussed on us a bit. I have to say that my fears have subsided greatly after this weekend.

About the headaches....I just started into a new cycle of cluster headaches. Spring is a common time for me to enter a cycle. I'm lucky because they have been in remission for 3 years now. If you haven't heard of cluster headaches, they are the most painful headaches i've ever experienced. I get migraines quite often, but I can handle those much better than I can the clusters. Imagine a brainfreeze, only 100 times worse that lasts for half an hour or more. That's what these headaches feel like for me. Clusters have been labeled "suicide headaches" because some people who get them chronically will eventually kill themselves to get rid of the pain. Lucky for me, my clusters respond very well to medication. I take blood pressure medication as a preventative. It will prevent most of the headaches from happening. Then I have a prescription headache medicine to use for headaches that manage to get past the preventative meds. I cut those pills up to ensure that they get into my system as quickly as possible. I'm not sure what effect these meds will have on a baby, so when I go to get my prescriptions refilled, I'll also ask the doc about that.

Well, I should get going now. I'll post more when I know more!

Lori

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CD13 1or2 DPO- I have a dr appointment this afternoon. After I posted yesterday, I started snooping around online about the medications i take and pregnancy. Now I'm kinda freaked out. The blood pressure medicine that I'm on appears to be a big NO NO for the first trimester. Specifically when the baby is first forming. From what I understand from reading online, a calcium channel blocker (like i take when i get in a headache cycle) does exactly what it sounds like. It blocks calcium from being absorbed into the muscles....i guess it can also block calcium from the fetus and many of the early development processes, which require calcium. I guess it can cause birth defects. I'm going to tell the doc about our situation and see what she says. We're only 2 months out from the reversal so I'll likely have nothing to worry about, but i may have to take the meds for a few months, so I either need to find a different med or take steps to avoid conception.

I thought that DF had me convinced it was impossible to get pregnant so soon after the VR, but obviously my brain still thinks it's possible because as soon as I read about those meds I kinda started panicking, thinking "what-if we caught the egg this weekend?" I'm going to try to not worry about it. I'll present the info to my doctor and let her decide what I should worry about.

I'll update after my appointment.

Lori

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CD 14 - Went to the doc yesterday. She is pregnant and absolutely adorable. She's due in July and has one of those cute little basketball shaped bellies. I wanted to touch it but kept my hands to myself! Anyhow, she kept me on the same medications. She consulted some other docs in the practice and they all agreed that the dose that they have me on is not anything to worry about. In the studies they've done on calcium channel blockers, it was with animals and at much higher doses than a human would take. So, since I'm on the lowest dose possible, it shouldn't cause me problems. And it's unlikely i'd get pregnant before i'm off these pills anyhow. It's still so soon after VR that it's just really unlikely.

But being the paranoid freak that I am, I decided that I'd try going without the blood pressure med. OUCH, not happening. I NEED that medication right now to keep me sane. I went 24 hours without it and the stuff in my system finally wore off and the headaches are starting to come. That was stupid, but answered the question as to whether the meds were really working or if maybe the headaches just quit.

I am in the 2ww right now, but I'm 99% certain that i'm simply waiting for AF. I'm not even really thinking about conceiving too much right now. I've been keeping busy with other stuff. I've been doing lots of sewing and quilting lately. I just finished the cutest little rag quilt that my 3 year old son instantly claimed as his. He loves it which makes me feel happy. Keeping busy feels better than last month when i was sooo obsessed with TTC. That was just crazy. I refuse to test again until AF is officially late. I don't care what other signs that I think i'm seeing.

That's it for now. I'll continue marching through these practice cycles without going crazy!

Lori

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CD 15 - 4DPO --> I started taking the bp med and I'm feeling much better. Had to use the relpax for a breakthrough headache last night, but it wasn't too bad.

As far as my body goes, i have lots of watery CM and I seem to be peeing a lot, which i honestly don't know if it means anything or not, but just wanted to write it down. I figure that when I do get to the point where I feel there's a greater chance for pregnancy, I can look back and compare what's normal and be able to see what might be different. I'm interested in seeing if I breakout again on DPO6 like I did last month. I'm also really interested in seeing if I spot for so long before AF shows again.

Well I guess I should get back to work. Just wanted to update.

Lori

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CD 19 - 8DPO --> Well, my face didn't break out at 6dpo again like last month. That's nice. I'm not having any symptoms or signs of pregnancy, but I'm really not looking for them either. I have noticed that I have lots of CM since I O'd this month, but I wonder if maybe it's because of the meds that i'm on. Who knows? I'm feeling so much more relaxed this cycle. I like this way better. I expect to start AF on april 23rd and don't plan on testing until the 24th if I haven't seen her by then.

I had a nice Easter weekend. It was kind of a bummer because DF was gone visiting his kids, but I did have a nice time with my family. We ate dinner with them around 2pm and then I hustled my butt home and made my own Easter dinner so that I could enjoy an easter dinner with DF when he got home from the airport.

I'm still having breakthrough headaches at night, but i can manage these ones. I can't wait until I'm out of this headache cycle.

I better get going!

Lori

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CD 20 - 9DPO --> So far, so good. I didn't break out at 6dpo and I didn't start spotting at 8dpo either.

I'm still finding myself feeling a little scared about marriage and a baby at times. I wonder if this is normal, or if I should pay more attention to it. DF and I seem to be arguing more lately. Maybe it's stress from these changes, or maybe we're not meant to be. How do you know this stuff? How do I know if we're just stressed and bitchy or if there's really a bigger problem? I wish I knew.

We've worked really hard for the past 2.5 years to get to where we are now. Our relationship hasn't always been easy, but I thought we had worked through our issues. It seems now that we have more issues than ever. I'm just really scared about everything right now. I should go, I'm feeling pretty down and feel like i'm talking in circles. I'll update when I'm feeling a little better.

Lori

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CD 23 - 12dpo ---> Still doing good. I've still not had any spotting. Though I've not really had anything else either. My boobs aren't even sore this month, which is usually part of my pms symptoms. My skin is still clear too. The only thing is that my appetite is up, but that could go either way. I'm pretty much just expecting to see AF by sunday or monday.

I may have to discontinue journaling here after this cycle. There is a lot of stress between DF and I that doesn't seem to be getting resolved. I can't justify bringing a child into such a stressed relationship, so unless we figure a few things out, I'm seriously considering getting some BC pills. That's such a sad thought, but I just don't know what the heck is happening between us. And I sure as heck don't want to raise a baby on my own. You'd think at my age, my life would settle down and I would be able to find some contentment. You would think I'd have it figured it out.

Maybe that's impossible.

Lori

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CD 3 --> As you can tell, I started over the weekend. A day earlier than i expected, but at least there was no spotting. I'm not sure how this month is going to pan out. As I wrote last week, I may be taking a break from TTC. I'm really not sure what to do right now. I have these times when my life seems so right and having a baby feels so natural, then there are times when I get scared and panicked and I worry that a baby is the last thing that we need in our lives. It's all really confusing for me.

I guess I should get busy now, I'll update when I figure out what the plan is for this month.

Lori

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cd 12 - 1 dpo --> Well, I don't think we really ever quite figured out what to do about this month so we did nothing really. We didn't try to prevent, but we didn't try to make it happen either. I'm pretty sure I'm 1DPO, but not certain. I'm not really sure what sort of chance that we may have for conceiving this month. SO's step-brother passed away last week so things have been a little stressful. We've had company and have been really busy so I'm just not certain of when I ovulated or even if I really have yet. I'm assuming I'm 1dpo due to the fact that I normally ovulate on cd 11. We've made love a few times amidst the chaos, but I'm not sure about my O, so we'll just wait and see. I believe if it happens that it was meant to be, if it doesn't then it's not.

I better get busy, I'm behind on work with all the stuff that's been going on.

Lori

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It's been a while since i posted. Life has been crazy, work has been crazy and with the change in seasons I've been trying to spend as much time out in my yard as I possibly can. DF and I have been trying to create an oriental style garden in a small corner of our yard. It's been a lot of fun, but it's very challenging. I hope it turns out nice when we're done.

We were supposed to get married over this past weekend, but a few weeks before we decided to postpone. I got pretty scared and we were fighting quite a bit which didn't help to soothe my fears at all. And then with the death in the family, well, we just decided waiting a little while was for the best. I know that I'm going to have fears when we get married. We've both been married before and that just makes it so dang scary to jump into that again. I guess though that I figured I'd be able to use our life together as a shield against the fear. You know, when the fears got really bad I expected to be able to talk to myself and say "Hey, do you really want anything else out of life than what you have now?" It's really hard to answer that question in an affirming way when you're barely even on speaking terms with your fiancee. The talk we had about postponing the wedding was really good. It seemed to bring things into perspective and we've really worked on getting back to the good part of our life together. We've got a few really good weeks under our belt, I hope that we can make that continue. Over all we have something really good, it just gets so hard to focus on that when we have a rough spell. I need to work more on focussing on the good instead of getting caught up in the bad when it comes along.

On the baby front, we aren't really sure where we're at. We're not positive about O dates. I may have actually O'd after my last posting. I would expect that I should start my period by 5/17/06, so if I haven't then I'll test then. It's possible that we got the egg whether I O'd on the 1st or the 3rd. Time will tell. We did take a look at some semen last night under the microscope and we were pleased with what we saw. It probably wasn't what a doctor would consider a great sample, but compared to our earlier peaks into the scope, this one looked great. Lots of movement, quite a few forward moving swimmers, and there were far fewer deformed swimmers. We get an official semen analysis done around the 15th of the month, so I'll post then.

I should probably get back to work now.

Lori

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Well today is what i thought would be CD1. I have yet to start, but the day is not over. I had some spotting yesterday and the day before, so I believe that my period is on its' way. I have not seen any spotting yet today but i think i feel some cramping coming on. I will test tomorrow morning if I haven't seen red by then.

Mother's day was nice for the most part. DF and my boys took me to a Japanese Garden and to the Zoo. The weather was beautiful and it was a nice day overall. I was very tired by the time that we got home. Then the day kinda got ruined after we got home. DF and I ended up in a fight. I don't really understand how these things happen. We had such a great day up until we got home. Is this how normal relationships happen? I mean some people tell me that everybody has fights in their relationship. So am I upset over something that's normal, or is this a bad sign? I wish I knew.

I'll write more tomorrow or later if i start. DF has yet to actually schedule the semen analysis, so I don't have any results yet.

Lori

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CD 1 - I started yesterday evening, so I'll just count today as day 1 since I started so late. That is good though so that I didn't waste a test today. DF is going to do the s/a on monday. I'm not sure how soon they give results though. It will be interesting to see what the number are.

I'm really having a difficult time at work lately. I don't know what it is for sure, but it's like I really just don't give a damn about what I'm doing. I've worked here for almost 10 years now and I'm just suddenly really having to force myself to even be here. I used to enjoy my job and now I just don't see the point in it. This last bout of PMS that I had was so bad and that compounds the issues I'm feeling about work. I came so close to giving my notice yesterday. That's scary because I don't know where the hell else I would work and I can't afford to not work right now.

[heavy sigh] I hope that I come out from under this little cloud that's been hanging over me lately. I think I need a vacation or something to refresh myself. A day at the spa maybe.

Well I'd better get. I'll write more when I know more!

Lori

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