Therapy and has me thinking
I had therapy this morning about my grief and my anxiety issues. My therapist says that for every behavior there is a payoff of somekind. Something you are gaining from that behavior. So what am I gaining from having panic attacks? I have been thinking....maybe it gives me an excuse to get out of things I don't want to do or deal with, maybe it allows me not to live in the present moment but to hold onto the past. Maybe if I released the anxiety I would be letting go of my daughter Rebecca. Maybe the anxiety holds me back so I don't have to take chances at possibly fail at something like I failed at being a mother. Maybe the anxiety I hide behind so people don't see the real pain I am in and the sadness that I feel. Maybe I hide behind the anxiety so people can't judge me for just me. I can always blame my failures and fears on the anxiety.
Yeah maybe she is right there is a payoff but I don't do this on purpose and I have been trying really hard to change the way I react to situations. Sometimes I just can't turn my mind off and I end up with a full blown panic attack. I guess in the end if I can just realize that it is panic and to let it flow in and out I can begin to live again. Then again living again is scary all by itself. What if the real world outside of my friends and family, don't like me. What if they take pity on me because of my illness. What if I am not strong enough for the real world. I like being in my own world at home with my husband.
I know I have to get better and move on. It is time to start thinking about our future babies. I have to do this for me.
Tough day heading back to work
I went to my family doctor today and I am clear to go back to work starting Monday. I am not sure he is right. I am still having panic attacks and don't know how I will be working with them. But I know I need to at least try to move forward with my life.
Working again is the first step to healing and moving on with TTC again. I am very anxious right now and feel like I could go backwards in progress if I allow it. Man this is going to be one tough fight.
I am very emotional as well which I think is because of AF and the hormones trying to balance themselves out. Boy I hope that is all it is.
My friend wrote me an email today saying how much of a wonderful person I am and that I will be alright back at work. Why can't I believe that myself? I want to be like and I think I deserve to be liked, but sometimes it is so hard for me to let people in, especially since all my losses.
I know this journal isn't what everyone expected when they began reading but it is my TTC journal and although I am awhile away from TTC it is the steps I have to take and are going to take to have success once again.
Wish me luck.