I had a IVF baby. I very early IVF baby. I gave birth to Rebecca at 16 weeks. Due to an incompetent cervix. I have grieved and mourned my baby girl but since the loss I have had panic attacks and severe depression. I am on meds to control the depression and anxiety and for a while they work. But today I feel so anxious and I am scared that I am going back wards in my recovery. My husband is so frustrated with this whole thing. I have been out of work on disability since Sept 1 and it runs out Feb 4. I thought I was ready to go back but between the hot flashes and panic I had yesterday and the panic that woke me up at 6 am this morning I don't know if I am strong enough.
I want so badly to be normal, to be happy, to laugh at life again. I had a wonderful week last week. I had lowered my dosage of Effexor xr to 337 mg from 375 well yesterday I took 375 and had hot flashes and anxiety all evening long. I don't know if it the meds or all in my head.
I also feel that I suffer from pmdd (horrible pms) my anxiety syptoms seems to get worse on cycle day 12 and continues to get bad until 3 days after my mensus begins. This has been the pattern for 3 cycles now. I switched from Yaz b/c to Yasmin b/c pills to see if it would help. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I want a medication or therapy that will work. I want to feel happy all the time. I know I can never bring my daughter back and I have dealt with that what I haven't dealt with is the fear of the unknown and of having these attacks. They take over your life. All you can focus on is when the next one will be and if you can go out of the house ok and drive ok. I started B complex vitamins and magnesium because they are suppose to help with pmdd. I am half tempted to through the b/c pills out the window. I really think they are messing with my body and mind.
I don't know if how these journals work but if you have had any of these experiences and have found a way to help yourself please feel free to pm my. Any and all advice is appreciated.
I just thought getting these thoughts out of my head might help with the anxiety.
I had therapy today. It was a tough session. My therapist thinks my anxiety stems from the loss of my mother at 12 and father at 22 and then my miscarriage at 32. I did not have a normal miscarriage. I laid on my back for 5 days with the hope that my membranes would go back in so that I could have an emergency cerclage. The membranes ended up breaking on Monday June 18th at 10:00 at night. I delivered my precious Rebecca at 11:31 after the induction medication started. They could not find a heart beat at 9:40 right before my water broke so she had died inside. She was small but perfect weighing less then an ounce. The smallest toes and fingers I have ever seen. I held her but only for a few minutes before they rushed me to have a D/C to remove the placenta. It was very traumatic. I gave birth without any medication, no epidual. My blood pressure was 150/110 and rising while giving birth. I had horrible shakes and could not stop them. Thinking back it was the best and worse experience of my life. I truly honor the time I was a mother even if it was only 16 weeks. I love my daughter and I always will. Rebecca was an IVF baby and as soon as I am emotionally ready we will try again. We have 10 embryos on ice. They are blastocysts so I am hoping the process is easy. I will have to have a cerclage placed between 12-14 weeks so that I do not lose another one. I believe I have grieved my precious baby girl but the therapist believes I haven't quite said my good byes and that is causing the panic attacks. I cried so hard in the therapy session, she probably thinks I am crazy. I will get through this. I am a strong women and have a great husband. It may take more time but anxiety will not ruin my chance at being a mother. I return to work after these past 5 months of being off, due to the anxiety. I am nervous but hopeful that this will be the turning point for me. That with the return to work will be a renewed sense of being and the start to me TTC again.
My angel is resting in peace with her grandparents and that gives me comfort. I love you Rebecca, mom, and dad.
Feeling better today. Still anxious but hopeful again, a little. I am decreasing my effexor xr because I think it added to my anxiety. I go back to work soon and after a week there I will be calling the Fertility clinic for a consultation. I just want to go back to my "normal" whatever that is.
What more can I say. I woke this morning wanting my daughter needing to be pregnant again. It triggered an anxiety attack, but I think I am alright now. Is it normal to want something that you can never have again? I miss her so much. I miss how I felt when I was pregnant, I had energy through the day. I was happy and optimistic. I had hopes and dreams for her. The nursery bedding I chose was dream, love, hug. Dream, that was my favorite saying. I am a tattoo on my ankle that means that "dream" in chinese. I feel like my dreams have been taking from me the minute I gave birth to Rebecca. I guess it is normal to still be grieving but I so want not to feel this way anymore. I lost her their is nothing I can do to bring her back. I asked her to forgive me for not protecting her, and at times I still feel guilty because it was my job to do that, protect her. My cervix betrayed both of us. I am 33, I never thought I would have a problem carrying a child, just a problem getting pregnant because of the PCOS. I feel betrayed by my body and my God. I have forgiven God for he knows what is best, but I don't think I have forgiven my body. I wanted Rebecca more than I can express. I needed her. I seem to lose everyone I love and that I need. My anxiety I guess is from loosing so many. I can't imagine loosing my husband, that would throw me over the edge. I have the most amazing husband. We have been married for 3 years but have known eachother for 15 years. Its an amazing love story that beat so many odds. I will share on another day.
I know this is a bunch of ramble, but it is how I feel today. My journey to conceive will be a long one. I have a lot to accomplish mentally before I can become pregnant again. The first of which is to come to terms, acceptance of the loss of my daughter, Rebecca. I can't wait to feel that love again. I can't wait until I hear those words you're pregnant. I can't wait to hear my baby cry and know that he/she is safe and that we made it through our first hurdle, a healthy baby.
The process will be long but I am strong and will become pregnant once again. Only God knows what the future holds. I am throwing it up to him.
I had therapy this morning about my grief and my anxiety issues. My therapist says that for every behavior there is a payoff of somekind. Something you are gaining from that behavior. So what am I gaining from having panic attacks? I have been thinking....maybe it gives me an excuse to get out of things I don't want to do or deal with, maybe it allows me not to live in the present moment but to hold onto the past. Maybe if I released the anxiety I would be letting go of my daughter Rebecca. Maybe the anxiety holds me back so I don't have to take chances at possibly fail at something like I failed at being a mother. Maybe the anxiety I hide behind so people don't see the real pain I am in and the sadness that I feel. Maybe I hide behind the anxiety so people can't judge me for just me. I can always blame my failures and fears on the anxiety.
Yeah maybe she is right there is a payoff but I don't do this on purpose and I have been trying really hard to change the way I react to situations. Sometimes I just can't turn my mind off and I end up with a full blown panic attack. I guess in the end if I can just realize that it is panic and to let it flow in and out I can begin to live again. Then again living again is scary all by itself. What if the real world outside of my friends and family, don't like me. What if they take pity on me because of my illness. What if I am not strong enough for the real world. I like being in my own world at home with my husband.
I know I have to get better and move on. It is time to start thinking about our future babies. I have to do this for me.
Ok well on Saturday night I took my last birth control. Not because I am ready to get pregnant but because the hormones were making my anxiety so much worse. (TMI) I woke up this morning with heavy bleeding. Well for me that triggers anxiety because with Rebecca I had a sub chor bleed and bled so bad all of the place, plus it makes me remember how I bled after the delivery of Rebecca. I know silly, its a period, I am suppose to bleed and it is alright if it is heavy as long as I don't go through a pad an hour. I still get anxious when I see blood in the toliet and on the tissues.
I know in my heart that the hormones made my anxiety worse. I had 2 really good days. Today I am off because of the period and to be honest I am nervous about returning to work.
Oh in case you did not know I went out of disability in September due to the anxiety being so bad, well because everyone thinks I am ready to go back and because I can not afford to pay for my own health insurance I have to go back on Feb. 4. I am scared that I am not ready but I have no choice.
Anyway I have to try to go back and live again so I can get started planning for our future pregnancy. I am hoping to be pregnant over the summer.
The ups and downs of a success and then failure. I know it wasn't my fault that I couldn't carry Rebecca to term but I still blame myself an awful lot. I wish I could move past that part but I guess only time will heal that.
For those of you that pray continue to pray for my health and mental well being.
I went to my family doctor today and I am clear to go back to work starting Monday. I am not sure he is right. I am still having panic attacks and don't know how I will be working with them. But I know I need to at least try to move forward with my life.
Working again is the first step to healing and moving on with TTC again. I am very anxious right now and feel like I could go backwards in progress if I allow it. Man this is going to be one tough fight.
I am very emotional as well which I think is because of AF and the hormones trying to balance themselves out. Boy I hope that is all it is.
My friend wrote me an email today saying how much of a wonderful person I am and that I will be alright back at work. Why can't I believe that myself? I want to be like and I think I deserve to be liked, but sometimes it is so hard for me to let people in, especially since all my losses.
I know this journal isn't what everyone expected when they began reading but it is my TTC journal and although I am awhile away from TTC it is the steps I have to take and are going to take to have success once again.
Well my anxiety is high. I am going back to work tomorrow. I am a teacher that took time off to deal with my grief and anxiety, depression. Well according to short term disability if I am not back within 182 calendar days I am no longer employeed. Calendar days. I don't work weekends and what about the 2 weeks off for Thanksgiving and Christmas. It just isn't fair.
I know I have to take this step before I can take the next step of IVF #2. I keep reminding myself of that but today the anxiety is starting to get the best of me. It is just so unfair. I wish I could take the whole school year off to mourn and go to therapy. That would be the best for me but because of the wording for the short term disability I can't.
I can do this. I have to do this. I will do this. Tomorrow will be for my daughter and my future children, tomorrow I will conquer my fears. Wish me luck. Pray for me. I need all the support I can get.
Well I did it I went back to work, teaching on Tuesday 2/19/08. It was pretty good. I am feeling hopeful for the first time since losing Rebecca. I am going to call the RE doctor sometime this week to have our first consultation to find out what a frozen transfer cycle will be like. I would love to be pregnant in April or May so that I can have the cerclage over the summer break. I only pray that this bean sticks right away and holds on until at least 36 weeks. I don't know how I will feel if I was to loss another, but I am doing everything I can to make my body healthy again so that it will be ready for the little embryo. Remember I have 10 on ice waiting for my warm womb.
Wish me luck and thanks for reading my journal.
Here is the most recent update. I have been back at work since February. It has been hard but I am keeping my head above water. My husband and I went in for a consultation with our Reproductive people and they ran tests, the normal baseline stuff. During the ultrasound they saw polyps and a 3 cm fibroid. So no IVF for now. I go June 12 for surgery to remove the polyps and fibroid. The down side is I will NEVER be able to have a vaginal delivery. I will have to have a c section for any and every child we have. Its not bad enough that once I am 13 weeks pregnant I will have to have a cerclage to keep the baby in because of the weak cervix but now I won't experience the natural process. I delivered Rebecca vaginally and it was beautiful, even though we knew she wasn't going to live, being only 16 weeks along in the pregnancy. I still hoped that I would be able to experience that again with a healthy baby. I guess it doesn't matter how I deliver as long as the end result is a healthy happy baby.
We are planning to have 2 babies back to back. I have 10 frozen embryos. Our only delemia is what to do with the embryos left. I would really like to give another women the opportunity to experience pregnancy, but then a part of me would feel like I have another child or children out there that I don't know. Biologically they are mine and my husbands. I guess that is a road we will cross once we get our 2 healthy babies out of it.
Because of the surgery I have to wait 3 months until we can TRY ivf again. So we are looking at late September early October to conceive. It has been a long and rough road. I thank my husband everyday for sticking by me. I miscarriage can either bring two people together or rip them apart. My husband has stuck by me and I can't thank him enough for all his love and support. I will write again closer to surgery.
Thanks for reading my story. Look for updates and eventually pictures of our embryos and BABIES.