Is there a 12 step program for the obsessed TTCer?

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Last seen: 7 years 9 months ago
Joined: 10/26/01
Posts: 121
Is there a 12 step program for the obsessed TTCer?

Entry 1 - March 20
Hi, my name is Sara and I've been TTC, well I haven't really started.

I am the mother of a happy and healthy 18 month old girl...Elise Marie. My husband, Gary, is probably the better parent of the two of us and Elise adores him. We're always wanted more than one, but had considered waiting a bit more between as Elise is quite and handful and extremely willfull. She is extremely loving though and loves other children. We figure that there really is no point in waiting as Elise is just who she is...Elise.

Our TTC past...
The last time we TTC, I about lost myself and in turn caused the worst problems my marriage has ever faced. It took us over 1 year and we ended up getting pg, the month we decided to give up. When I was finally pg, I was so excited and so scared. I wouldn't let my husband touch me for the longest time. I think he understood my fear (we had experienced at least one confirmed m/c), but it hurt him as well.

Our TTC present...
Just last week, my DH and I decided that we would TTC for one month for a December baby. That night we decided not to use protection. Against all odds, it seems I O'd either that day or the day before or after. I've been experiencing pg symptoms all week, but I fear that this wasn't meant to be. I started charting that next day so unfortunately I do not have enough data to really make any firm judgements.

My temps dropped this morning and I'm waiting for AF to arrive. I must admit that I am a bit sad, but I'm more upset about the upheval I've put my body through if I am indeed not pregnant.

Entry 2 - March 21
I've been a bit on edge lately (ya think?) and last night my Mom and I had a fight over the phone. To most people, it wouldn't be considered a fight, but it's the first time my Mom and I have ever really been mad at eachother. I am so upset about it. I called back and apologized for getting upset, but I explained why I was upset and hoped that she could understand why she hurt me with what she said. Even though we talked, I still feel terrible about it.

Well my temps didn't drop anymore, but they really didn't increase much either. My boobs are killing me which concerns me a bit. If I am not pg, I think something is going on or is wrong with my cycle. I will probably go to the doctor either way next week.

This morning I was putting away clothes (I decided to do wash at 11pm last night) and Elise was being whiny. She woke up "on the wrong side of the bread" (love those Rugrats) this morning and I just didn't want to hear it. She was in the living room and I was in the bedroom and I said please shut-up. I knew she couldn't hear me, but that really isn't the point. I really should say this. My DH heard me though and said, gee, how will you ever handle two kids. I about wanted to rip his limbs off! I said, well, I'm really not in a normal mood right now dear. Can you cut me a bit of slack?

Well, I'm here and moping. Elise has mellowed and bit and has stopped the whining. I gave her a kiss and reminded her that I love her so much.

Can I send my hormones on vacation?

Entry 3 - March 22
Aunt Flow decided to grace my doorstep this morning. Well, I'm more pissed about being crampy and not feeling well than I am about not being pregnant. Gary even noted that he thought I was taking the entire result quite well. On one hand I'm a bit relieved that we are not pregnant now. We are one week away from moving into our house and I have furniture to lift and move. On the other hand, I am MAD. Mad at my body for tricking me. I know it sounds silly, but I feel betrayed.

Well, we're now on CD1. My temp this morning was 97.4 at 5am. My temps didn't go high enough last month I think, but I really can't say much based on part of a month of charting. I guess only time will tell. I will start using my fertility monitor tomorrow too. I figure I could use all the help I can get!

Entry 4 - March 23
I am so drained right now. I feel like on of those cartoon characters who were poked with a pin and all of their air goes out.

I am feeling much better though. Gary and I talked a lot about what is going on and the more I think about it, I'm glad I'm not pg right now, but my next cycle would be okay.

Being the obsessed person I am, I checked to see the due date (If for some reason my body would decide to ovulate around CD14) if we would get pg next cycle...December 28th. My birthday is Jan 1!

If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. I just hope that I can learn more about why my cycles are the way they are and see if I should go to the doctor to straighten things out.

Entry 5 - March 24
We're going back home to Chicago this week/weekend. Unfrotuantrely it looks like Gary might not be able to come. Things are being held up with the close of our house here in CA and he might need to stay.

This screws with our TTC plans this month or at least it might. We planned to get a hotel room on Saturday (CD8) to celebrate our anniversary (actually April 15). If he isn't able to come, I will not be home until late Tuesday (CD11). This month might be a wash. I'm not going to say that I'm really upset about it, but I'm not thrilled either. We will get pregnant eventually.

I started my fertility monitor this morning as well so I hope that it will help us get an idea of what is going on with my body.

I also noticed that I'm a bit crampy today, but nothing major.

Entry 6 - March 25
I have the worst typing! I noticed so many spelling/typing mistakes on my posts, but I'm just too lazy to go back and correct them now.

We have good news!!!!!!!!! The house check cleared so we can all go to Chicago! It looks like our new house may close while we're gone, but that is fine. We can start moving our boxes and so on from the storage unit and apartment next week! I will be taking care of most of the boxes and will wait until Gary has time off in order to move the furniture. I am so glad we decided to take the bare bones into the apartment!

On the TTC front, AF is doing her normal 4th day fade away. Tonight she should be back in force and should be gone by tomorrow. Temps today were at 97.1, but I forgot to put my thermometer on my bedstand so I had to get up to take my temp. Oh well!

I need to make a huge list of everything for my trip today so I'm sure not to forget important things like my monitor and test sticks!

I will try to post while I'm gone, but if not, I'll be back next Wednesday!

Entry 7 - April 2
I'm back!

Ugh! I love my family, but...well, you can picture the rest. My trip was marked with a cold (I still have it) and putting Gary's Dad into a respite-assisted living center.

My temps are ... not sure what to say about them. I tried to stay on CA time, but I think my body had other ideas. My temps dipped yesterday, but overall they look BAD. My temps never get really high and that concerns me. We hope to BD today to catch that egg (if she is coming out today) and see what happens.

If we don't get pregnant, we don't. I suppose I'm more interested right now in getting to know what the heck my body is doing. Any ideas?

Entry 8 - April 3

Well, my temps are on the up and up after drastically dipping two days ago. I also noticed ewcm yesterday so this looks like a go for launch

I keep reminding Gary that if he really doesn't want to try now, we can use condoms, but every time he says no. I don't want him to ever feel that I pressured him into trying again so soon.

Given my temps and the ewcm, I wanted to BD again this morning. I woke up early as usual and wanted to get frisky, but he was still asleep. He woke up an hour later and came up with the wonderful idea that we should BD. I love it! I thought I would need to ask, but not this time.

I must say that trying this time is a lot more fun. Since having Elise, sex has been amazing (especially the last two months) so I cannot complain and neither can Gary.

Entry 9 - April 4
I was the big bad bitch today!

Elise hasn't really caught my cold, but I think she has a touch of it because she is WHINY!!!!!!!!!!! I just can't handle that so I put her back in her crib. She and I managed to calm down and made up after about 15 minutes.

I was cramping a bit on my left side last night and my lower back is just killing me. I think this is the main reason for my bad mood although my cold hasn't helped much either.

I still have EWCM today so everything still looks good.

Entry 10 - April 15

I'm in a huge funk. Don't wanna do anything. We've got the keys to our new house, but I DREAD moving again KWIM? We moved from Illinois to Calif. in late January (that was an experience in itself) and have been in our apartment since then.

I think I'm going to take the time to plan out my kitchen today and decide where I want things. We are LATE getting going (I haven't showered yet) but we still can get things done.

I honestly do not think we hit the jackpost this month, but only time will tell. I'm in the 2WW!

Entry 11 - April 6
2-3 DPO

The time change went allright. I woke up as usual EARLY at 5:30 (4:30).

Two evenings ago I started having this stabbing pain right above my waistline on my left back-side. It is very strange and came and went a few times over the past two days. Gary thinks it's a kidney stone or kidney infection, but I really have no other symptoms. I'm keeping an eye on things, but I'm trying not to get too worried about it.

About my TTC obsession...
There is a part of me that wants to be optimistic and excited about getting/being pg this cycle. There is a larger part that wants to down play it as much as possible.

I know I do not feel as crazed as I did while we were trying for Elise. At that time we had no children and were just married (acutally about to be married ). I desperately wanted to start our family. Each month we did not get pg, I fell deeper and deeper into depression and obsession This time I already have a family. True, it's only Gary, Elise and myself, but we're okay. Of course I would like more children, but I suppose I do not feel that I would be as crushed if it takes us a awhile this time. Am I just trying to convince myself of that idea? Hmmm, I suppose if we're still trying in a few months that I will reevaluate this.

Entry 12 - April 8
4-5 DPO

Yesterday was a mess! To make a long story short, we moved 1/3 of our stuff to the new house and we are sore/tired/frustrated!

Temps went back up today. My sleeping still isn't the greatest though. I've always been the tossy turny type, but with everything going on my mind can't settle down enough so that I can get some quality sleep.

I'm eyeing the prize, but just want it all over. I've never been the patient sort. I just want to know either way. If I'm not, I'm ready for the next cycle which unfortuantely will not start for another 8-10 days!

Entry 13 - April 9
5-6 DPO

I am so SORE and TIRED!

Moving is hard work. I'm spending today back at the apartment so I can catch up on wash (3-5 loads at once - whoohooo) and take care of my aching back.

On to a side note, I my quality of sleep has just been awful the past few days. I do not know whether to attribute it to the moving or TTC. Usually the more tired I am, the better sleep I get. Not the case these days.

Only time will tell.

Entry 14 - April 10
6-7 DPO

Well, I was doing so well, but I've officially lost it (not that I really had "it" before).

I feel SO sorry for Erin and Tara. Poor girls, they need to listen to me and look at my stupid chart everyday.

My temps seem like they're all over the place, but most say that my chart looks normal. Normal? I've never been normal a day in my life!

Let's be honest...I'm probably the world's MOST impatient person! Please, give me strength!

We're heading up to the house tonight so I hope I will be able to relax a bit about TTC and worry about the house and the state it is in!

Entry 15 - April 11
7-8 DPO

I was a bit disappointed with my temp this morning. I don't know what I was expecting, but I was hoping for at least an implantation dip or a rise. Never happy, eh?

I felt quite bloated yesterday and a bit constipated today as well (NOT normal for me). My uterus seems a bit heavy too (not that I weight it normally).

I have intermittent cramping and a bit of nausea, but nothing to write home about as it could just be AF/PMS.

I know testing on Tuesday is probably WAY to early, but it would be nice for our anniversary...a special reminder.

Last seen: 7 years 9 months ago
Joined: 10/26/01
Posts: 121

9-10 DPO

Yes, a fourth straight day in a row with the same temp. I don't know whether to laugh, cheer or cry about it.

I'm still feeling a bit bloated and minimally crampy. I know I feel 100% better than I did last month so only time will tell.

Last night Gary and I had a long talk about our sex life. When we were trying to get pg the first time all I could think about while having sex was getting pregnant, NOT making love to my Dh. It ruined everything! I am scared to have sex now until I find out if I am pg or not. I know that is silly, but it's honestly how I feel. Gary said that I "cut him off" after my fertile time was over. We've had sex once since then when we had it over 8 times the previous week. I don't know what he really expects and I told him that. I also mentioned that I am typically more in the mood (he already knows about this) in the morning and during the day. He is always READY late at night when I am beat. I'm sorry I don't have sex to just have it. I want to WANT it. I worry what will happen if it takes us a long time to get pg again and I'm nore sure I am ready to handle it either.

Last seen: 7 years 9 months ago
Joined: 10/26/01
Posts: 121

10-11 DPO

I'm hanging on by a thread. I never said I was patient, but this is killing me. It rained again last night and the apartment sounded like it was being hit with ammunition. I can't sleep through that so I'm here.

I had a nice talk with Gary last night and I told him about being scared to have sex. He said he suspected that and didn't seem too upset. We talked a lot about how things made me nutty (or nuttier Lol ) last time and how things are different now. I managed to talk to him about what we are planning to do next month in regards to TTC. He said we might not have to worry about that, but did talk to me about his feelings.

The chart in my sig is my actual temps chart. I have also kept a second chart which includs all my adjusted temps. I'm trying SO hard not to read into it, but I cannot help it. MY actual temps place my cover at 97.6 (I think it is more like 97.5) and I am currently .6 above coverline at 98.1. My adjusted temps place my cover at 97.8 and I am currently .7 above coverline at 98.5. My temps arevhigher than they were at this time last month.

I'm planning on testing tomorrow, but do not hold too much hope that I will get a + result. If it is neg, I will test again on Friday.

Only a few more days!!!!!!

Last seen: 7 years 9 months ago
Joined: 10/26/01
Posts: 121

11-12 DPO


I never imagined it could happen so quickly for us.

Well, I guess this is the end to my TTC journal, I wish you all +++++++++++++++ results!