Til' My Time Comes

You know it's so weird sometimes how our mind goes so fast when we have something to say that we lose track of things all together. That's kind of how it is with me and TTC. It's been a long road of trying off and on. Wishing, hoping, crying, being angry, being hurt, losing hope, etc.
And if you've ever been TTC for awhile, you know how all of that feels.

I truly believe in my heart of hearts that each woman here is stronger then ever. You have to be to travel this road and you have to totally want to be a mother and dedicate yourself to it even before it has happened.
Each of us have walked this road of thorns, blood, tears, boulders and mountains and each of one of is purely determined to go through it all...to keep walking even though our shirts are torn from the thorns, even though we fall, even though sometimes the emotional hurt burns so much deeper then the physical, even though the mountains seem impossible to climb...we keep going. And with tear stained faces we wait for that one day when we will hold that child in our arms and thank God for them. And look back on the road we have walked... the road that hasn't broken us, but made us stronger in the end. A road that was totally worth it and a road that each of us know that we would walk a million times if it just got us to the point to hold our child and see them smile at us and feel our heart melt.

We are amazing and I commend each and every one of you for this journey and hold you all so dearly in my heart.

So onto a bit of my story:

I've never had normal periods. Not even when I was thin. I got my first period when I was 16 and didn't have another one for maybe 3-6 months. I forget which. But they continued to stay like that until my mom put me on depo at the age of 17 because she didn't want me to be a young mom. Not that she really had much to worry about though.... but she thought she did. I met my DH when I was 17 and we moved in together when I was 18. I was on Depo for a few years and then got off. Periods weren't normal after that either. The Dr said that they should become normal in about a year. Yeah right.

So when I was 21 I went to go see another Dr about it. She did a pelvic, didn't see anything strange, took some blood tests and saw I had low prog and high TSH. So she told me I was HypoThyroid and that explained alot of the weight gain. ( I gained ALOT of weight quickly) She did an endometrial biopsy (I always thought I would want to go through childbirth naturally, but I think I changed my mind after that. I don't think I could go through it again)

Everything came out normal on that. I then found out that I had PCOS. It's like things just kept being added. After a year of trying Provera and the such and getting my AF's EXTREMELY heavy with it and then not at all... I went to see Dr B. She is a Reproductive Endocrinologist and was seeing me for Infertility Issues as well as my Thyroid disorder. THEN I found out that I was diabetic. THEN I found out that I had a bigger than grapefruit sized cyst on my right ovary in which I had to have surgically removed (NOT FUN). I was in the hospital for almost 5 days because my oxygen levels wouldn't get normal. So then I had to wait six months to heal.

Well.... onto about when I was 23. I'm no longer living with a thyroid disorder, I'm living in normal levels without meds, I am NOT diabetic and about the PCOS...well I believe I will overcome that too.

When I was 24 my DH and I decided to try Clomid. (Levels had to be normal for the thyroid and everything before I could try) so Dr B started me off on 50mgs of Clomid as well as Prometrium to induce AF. And she kept telling me I had to lose weight but everything I tried failed and I wouldn't stich with it past a few weeks. I didn't ovulate on 50mgs so the next cycle she had me do 200mgs to see if that would do anything. Well it didn't make me ovulate (or at least the scan's were showing immature follicles then). And my right ovary would NEVER show up on scan. It hurt getting U/S done because of all the searching they had to do. I had some major S/E's on the Clomid and the 200mgs made me feel lethargic. Oh gosh it was heck going through. My Dr then told me that she wanted to try shots but she thought I should give it some time to lose weight first.....

Fast forward to recently. I gave it a long break. Got MYSELF together and started losing weight in June of this year. I've lost 50 lbs now. Yay!! Still have a bit more to lose but my Dr was super happy when she saw me. So she told me that all my levels are normal except for the male hormone which is slightly elevated (whatever that means) but she said it isn't any worse then it use to be. And my progestrone was a tad low but the Prometrium fixed that.

So I had a scan done and my right ovary popped right up, because through all these years I've been using the same woman in the scans, she was as suprised as I was to see it right there. It's like my ovary was saying "whoo hoooo look at the thinner me!!" front and center. She said everything looked great. The prometrium last month ended up bringing a very very heavy and LOONNGGG cycle. I bled for 11 days and then spotted the entire 38 days.

My last appt on Wednesday, the scan looked good again and my lining was great (which is new to me) so we sat and talked and she said that she wanted to try me again on Clomid with the weight loss to see how that went. I'm also set up for an HSG which I am really nervous about, and DH is doing another SA tomorrow when I have my scan again.

She said if this month doesn't work she wants to try shots. But I am standing in faith that it won't have to go to that. So here is to hoping that this month is ours through this long long road. :)