Trials and Tribulations

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Joined: 03/16/15
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Trials and Tribulations

Well, I guess it's about time that I get down to it. I need to start this journal for myself, therapy I suppose. I can't believe that this is happening to me. I am having difficulty getting pregnant. There .. it's been said. I want to be pregnant, but am not. All of this time, we've been using NFP ..... avoiding with all of our might. Now we can't conceive for our lives UGH!

I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks, twin gestation, on September 8/2003. That's when I had the D&C anyway. I ovulated on Nov 6/03. That would have put me due on the same day as Jocelyn was in 2001, so we skipped it. AF came Nov 16, followed by an Annovulatory cycle with Af returning early January. The problem is not that I can't get pregnant as much as I can't ovulate.

The ovulation thing is caused purely by stress. I am sure of it. I am so heavily stressed living in this house with my IL's (for two years now) and the stress of looking for a new job attempting to relocate and all. I just want it all to be over with, a new job and a new place to live. I am going to go to the doc to find out what is going on tomorrow morning. I started taking the Paxil that I have left over again 3 days ago .. maybe that'ss be enough to relax me, and let the hormones take over. Who knows.

Anway ... today is CD 15 and I have had hardly any CM in the last 3 or 4 days. I have been taking Vitex 3 times a day for the past week as well, but it doesn't seem to be working yet. Bummer.

Keep your fingers crossed for us.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

CD 16
I went to the doctor this morning to talk to him about my anxiety. It's getting out of control again, but I don't like what Paxil does to me. It makes me VERY tired, upsets my stomach and kills my sex drive. So he gave me a script for Wellbutrin. It's supposed to be best for sex drive, and he felt it would be safest for any impending pregnancy.
I'm continuing with the Vitex to see if the combo of the two might do the trick. I had some creamy Cm today, so it may be starting soon.
We had friends over for dinner today, so I kept busy all day preparing for that.
OT- Jocelyn only wet her diaper one time today, and that is because DH didn't potty her after her nap this afternoon. Oh well, it's a start!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well, I'm back from what was supposed to be a relaxing weekend with my girlfriends at a cottage, but the pipes froze, so we had no plumbing. It still wasn't a bust, but not as relaxing as it could have been. I took my thermometer with me, but I didn't use it since the numbers probably would have been skewed due to alcohol consumption Biggrin and I didn't have a clock to see what time it was when I woke up. I also noticed a bit of slipperiness while I was wiping my butt in the forest! (ha ha .. not fun) But no signifacant EWCM yet. Heck, it's only CD 20 for heaven's sake. :roll:
Anyway, I am continuing on with the Vitex for now and I seem to have found a good time to take the Wellbutrin so that I feel only minimal effects ... in the early evening, so my gassiness happens while I'm sleeping.
We didn't get to BD last night... I was cranky and picked a fight, so it didn't turn out, but I'm sure we'll get to it tonight, and continue on our every other day routine. Hopefully (maybe) we'll get an O this cycle. Wishful thinking? I hope not.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

CD 21

Well, it snowed and it blowed, but we did not get a snow day today. Bummer. We made it to work, albeit 15 minutes late, we still worked all day today. It's supposed to get nasty again tonight, so maybe tomorrow we'll be luckier!

Anyway .. I only had a little bit of Cm today, nothing to barely shake a stick at, but it was EW. DH and I never got around to BD'ing last night .... I picked another fight instead. UGH! I am SO grumpy lately, I think it's the Wellbutrin. Isn't it supposed to make me feel better soon? I hope so. But, we are getting along better today, so I think we are headed to bed now. Hopefully I'll get some more fertile signs soon.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

CD 22

UGH! That's how I feel today. I am grumpy and a little put off with not ovulating. What is wrong with me? I am so frustrated. I try to pretend that a little bit of creamy fluid is stretching, then realize that it just wishful thinking. I had absolutely NO cm today. Totally and completely dry. Even after BD'ing last night. :roll:

Today my friend ( and coworker) brought her new son in to work for us to see him. I miss her so much. She and I became so close before she left for maternity leave, and had her baby. I know she's busy with a newborn and all but I'm looking forward to seeing more of her as she establishes a routine. She was a ROCK while I was miscarrying. It doesn't seem like much, but it was so helpful to have her "walk ahead" of me at work and let people know what was happening, so that I wouldn't have to explain it myself until I was ready. If you're reading Emily, it was so nice to see you today. I hope we can visit soon.

Anyway, I'm tired tonight, I've not been sleeping well lately. This morning I was WRENCHED out of my sleep by a horrible leg cramp at 5:30am. I get them every once in a while, not sure why. I have been drinking a lot of milk lately too. Oh well. Better head to bed.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

CD 24

Yeah! It's my birthday today! Horay! I am now 27 years old. YIKES! Today I finally had some medium quality EWCM. Hopefully this is the beginning of a fertile period. Hopefully it will stay for a few days anyway. I am beginning to wonder if the Wellbutrin is causing some dryness down there. Last night we were BD'ing and it seemed really dry at the beginning. Has anyone had any experience with this?

Anyway, Jocelyn has a fever today, should be a long night. I think that she's comming down with the chicken pox. We'll see, by this time tomorrow night we'll know.

Headed to bed now.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

CD 27

Well, it's my weekend right now, but DH is working so it is kinda quiet. Jocelyn's fever broke yesterday morning, but still no signs of the chicken pox. I guess she didn't catch it this time. I still haven't got any good quality CM yet. DH and I had a great night last night. Jocelyn was grumpy last night, so he stayed home and put her to bed while I went to church. I got home, had a shower then we had a romp in bed before Survivor started. It was a late night, but it was worth it.

So, not much to report on the TTC front. The stress should be lifted soon, hopefully we hear something this week from the company in Guelph that we want to work for ...... please, please, please! Then it should be lots easier to conceive. Hopefully.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

CD 30
I've had some good quality eggwhite this week, and we've been taking full advantage of it! We BD'ed last night and the night before! This is my fourth consecutive day of EW, so it may not be long now until O. I was having some discomfort today on my right side, but I had lots of that last cycle and nothing came of it.
Anyway, things haven't been so good with me for a few days, mentally. I am feeling mostly depressed and I'm having some anxiety, dispite the Wellbutrin that I am taking. It's not working as fast as the Paxil did, but I am going to stick with it. I got a mouth gaurd from the dentist fitted the other day for the grinding my teeth at night thing... but I can't stand it. It tastes bad and fits bad, so my mouth is full of saliva all night. Last night was my second night with it, but I had to take it out it was bothering me so much! UGH!
We have also not heard anything yet from the company in Guelph that we are hoping to work for soon, so that we can move closer to my family. I was really hoping to be moved by the end of this month .... there is still hope I think.
Survivor is on in a few minutes, so I'd better hurry and get ready.

*finger's crossed* for a temp jump tomorrow morning

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

CD 33

Horray! I finally had a temperature rise this morning. i am SO glad to have that over with .. now on to the 2WW. As far as I can tell I am 2 DPO.
I have to go to a baby shower tonight for a friend who is due at the same time that I would have been due. That should be fun.
Not much else is new around these parts .. I am at work right now, but I had to come on and update my journal with my fantastic news!

See ya later.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

CD 36 4 DPO

So, the baby shower wasn't all that bad after all. I am used to being around her everyday, so it's not so tough anymore.
Anyway .. my temps are hanging tight up above my coverline. I am so happy to finally have a chance in hell, at least. I was sick of waiting to O ALL THE TIME!
I just got back today from visiting my family on my 2 days off this week. They were working, but we still had some nice time together. I got to see my friend and her 3 month old daughter as well. My mom told me that my sister told her that she was going to ask her fiance's sister to be her matron of honor ... by she hasn't yet told any of us .. me or my other 2 sisters. Wonder when she's going to drop that bomb. Not like any of us want to attend to all of Bride-Zilla's needs or anything, but it would have been nice if she had kept it in the family. My mom says that it is sending a pretty big message to us about how this whole thing is going to pan out. Heather also expressed concern about my impending pregnancy (they all know that we're trying right now) and the timing around all of this wedding crap. Like as if I am going to put my baby making on hold for her! If I am going to be out of commission in Dec , then I'll just back out of the wedding ... no biggie. Saves me $500! Sheesh. We don't even like the guy she's going to marry .. we wish she would dump his sorry ass and move on.

So we are pretty much just keeping our eyes open for implantation signs right now .. hopefully this month works out, it would be ideal!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

CD 37 5 DPO

My temp was still up today, which is terrific. I had a horrible mental day today though. I had an anxiety attack at work, and had to come home for the rest of the day. I slept for 3 hours this afternoon, but I was an emotional wreck this evening. Survivor was a VERY sappy episode ... and DH bought a "treat" .... he came home with two cell phones for the Bell plan where you can call each other for free. Well, first of all, I had only mentioned that I might be interested in something like that, but can't really afford to lock us in to monthly payments like that. He buys the EXPENSIVE phones, which you have to pay for up front. He also signs the CONTRACT for 24 months on a $60 a month plan .. for both. Ok.. all I wanted was to call each other... I have no one else to call for God's sake. He doesn't even know anything else about the contract ... he didn't initially know how much monthly .. or any of the other stipulations. I am STEAMING that he would commit to this without asking me. He thought he was doing something nice for us.... but he's not the budgeter in our house, so he has no idea what we can afford. So, now we can throw this little diddy on to my already over flowing plate of stress, so that I can untangle the mess he's gotten us into. Apparantly the fine print says that we have 48 hours to back out.. so I've got to figure this out tomorrow. *sigh*

I am so worried that my stress ridden lifestyle is going to sabatoge any chance of a successful pregnancy. The Wellbutrin is doing nothing for me.. in fact I feel worse now than I EVER have felt emotionally. It has been three weeks since I've started it. I know you have to give it some time .. but I don't know how much longer I can last. I'm loosing it. I'll give it another two weeks .... I'd better feel better by then. I can't stand feeling teary all the time ... and dizzy. That is the only major side effect I've had with it, but it's a scary feeling.

So, I'm down to the 1WW now. We are getting excited to know for sure. We asked Jocelyn about it tonight. I have heard that kids have a sixth sense about these things .... Jocelyn told me there was no baby in my belly while I was miscarrying, so there may be some truth to it. I asked her tonight if there was a baby in mommy's belly and she said "YES". She walked away and DH asked her if it was a boy or a girl, and without missing a beat she said girl. Hmmmm ..... only time will tell.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

CD 39 7DPO

My temp continues to be steady, which I must admit is a first for me. It usually dips below my coverline several times before my LP is over .. but not this time. Could it be the Vitex afterall? Not sure. I am getting really ansy to test. I don't know how much longer I am going to be able to hold out. I don't even know what my levels should be at, but my tests measure at 25 .. so I can test early for sure. Maybe I'll do some research on that on the internet tonight.

I had an okay day today. It was CRAZY busy at work today and time seemed to stand still, but I made it through .... without any major anxiety attacks to boot. 3 days down, 3 to go before my weekend.

I have some resumes to finish up and send out as well before Monday .. hopefully SOMETHING will pan out so that we can move as soon as possible!

Jocelyn has been an absolute terror today ... SCREAMED from the moment she opened her eyes until we dropped her at the sitters ..... then again before her bath just know. She must be extra tired. She is headed to bed soon. Hopefully she grows out of this stage as well .... yikes, something tells me I'm in for it with this kid.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

CD40 8 DPO

Oh no! I was really worried today since my temp dipped down to my coverline and I had one instance of spotting this morning. Brown on the TP one time. I hate this aweful rollercoaster. I have a history of short LP, so it would not be unheard of for me to spot for two days and get AF 11 DPO. Hopefully that is not the cae. The spotting has since subsided though, so my spirits are up again. Tomorrow's temp will tell us a lot about what is going on. Cross your fingers it's up!

I am starting to feel a little bit better emotionally as well. I don't feel as sad .. but I've had a lovely little headache for 3 days in a row now .... which sucks. I had to take meds all 3 days... it hurt too bad while I was at work.
I came home from work today and had a nice little nap. I was so comfy ... Clayton came down to check on me and told me it was 6 pm ... I was shocked. It felt like I had been sleeping for 15 minutes... but it was an hour and a half.
Gotta run ... it's family night apparantly.. we need to play games! UGH! Then bed time.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

CD 41 9DPO

What a rollercoaster of a day!!!! First off I was SO relieved to see that my temp was up after that tiny bit of spotting that I had yesterday! I had a very restless sleep since I was so worried about it and all. I even got up and took a pregnancy test ... which was negative of course. UGH! Not even slightly positive. So, then after I got to work I started to feel a little crampy, I went to the washroom and there was more spotting ... more than yesterday, but still not enough to touch my panties. I became more and more crampy as the day went on ... and then one time I wiped and had a bit of red. Most of the afternoon it was pink spotting, I thought AF was going to be coming on full force by the end of the day. I was REALLy bummed out, so DH decided to take me out for supper and a movie!! Hooray, a real date! By the time I got home and we left for dinner, the spotting was only slight ... and back to brown. Since then it has tapered off quite a bit... and stayed mostly the colour of old blood. My cervix is softer than it was yesterday, but I can't tell if it is open or not (I never can tell) I feel slight pregnancy symptoms, but they must be all in my head since the test was negative this morning. I have to pee a lot, but that could be because I want to see what is going to be on that toilet paper .... LOL. But, that is usually one of the first symptoms that I experience when I'm newly pregnant.

Anyway, we had a lovely dinner at Kelsey's and saw 50 First Dates, it was pretty good.. not a tear jerker thank god... I would have been in trouble today! I had a nice steak and a drink with my dinner as wel! My MIL watched Jocelyn as part of her birthday gift to me along with the gift certificate for the dinner, so it was nice and quite for a change at dinner!

So, I'm sure that tomorrow's temp will tell me a lot about what is going on here ..... I think it's going to be another restless night for me! Wish me luck!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

CD 1

:witch:

:bullcrap:

:violent2:

:banghead:

:witch:

:bullcrap:

:violent2:

:banghead:

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

CD 5

Well, things have been pretty much same old around here ... except that Jocelyn has the chicken pox!!!! She caught it at the sitters .. and every child who had not previously had it, has it , so she is still alright to go there.. thanks goodness. Today though she was not feeling that well, so I stayed home with her. She had a fever most of the day .. but her stubbornness never lifeted..ARG! The I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription refill and I talked to the pharmacist about her itchiness. It seems to have gotten worse today for sure. He asked what I had been giving her, I told him about the benadryl children's stuff. He told me I could EASIL double the dose to make it more effecive. He says that the dosing on the bottle is for hay fever and such .... UGH! I feel like such a dolt! I had been hopping her out on this stuff for days, and it wasn't doing a darn thing for her. Plus I had been using calamine lotion, but noticed today that it wasn't working as well .. he recommended this Aveeno cream (in the adult aisle .. never thougtht o look there DUH!) said it is WONDERFUL!!! She will be a new girl by morning he said. How dumb am I? I should have just gone there in the first place. So, hopefully she will feel well enough to go to the sitters in the morning. I also got her some more acetomenophen .. the Junior kind since it is 160mg per one chewable .... more cost effeciant really.. since that's the dose she was getting with 2 of the childrens stuff.

I also think that I'm starting to feel a tad better on the sanity front. I am starting to relax about a few things .. maybe the medicine is starting to kick in a little. Hopefully.

Also the countdown is on for my march break getaway weekend with my mom and my sisters! ( a little early this year!) I am excited .. that will be great fun. I have the best time when I'm playing games with them. Will be relaxing as well .. hopefully.
Well, gonna check a few things out on the net here and head to bed .... more another day.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

CD 7

Not much is new on the TTC front. I am getting more and more frustrated though. I am feeling down about it today actually. I am jealous of those women who actually get to ovulate each month on the 14th day and have a lovely 12 day LP .... and get a chance each month. The most frustrating part of TTC'ing is not getting a chance very often. It's only like every 6 weeks that I get an opportunity at all. It sucks.

Jocelyn seems to be feeling better today, and most of her CP are dried up and scabing over .... yucky really. She still isn't eating all that well, but I am sure glad to have that behind us for sure.

DH and I have a plan to BD later on tonight ... for fun I suppose, since there is no chance of conceiving anytime soon.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

CD 14
Wow! Has it really been a week since I posted here. Shameful. Well, not a whole lot is new, I suppose that's why I haven't been around. My mom and my sisters came to visit this weekend for our annual "March Break getaway" weekend, which was held a little early this year. We had a blast as usual.
I had a doctor's appointment today, but I was EXTREMELY disappointed with it. My doctor is a KNOB!!! He says that it is impossible that I had a 9 day LP last month ... that I had to have O'ed 5 days before that to meet the "FIXED" 14 day time frame. What a load of . I can't believe that doctors actually think like that. What a jerk. I will not be talking to him about my fertility ever again. He said that he would refer me to a gyn if I wanted it .. but told me to wait it out a little bit longer. Sheesh.

I had some creamy CM today .. could it be the start of something a little early this month .. keeping my fingers crossed!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

CD 22

Well, I had a little burst of watery type CM for a few days, but that quickly dried up and here I am back at square one. Nothing going on ... only BD'ing for fun I suppose. I was really hoping to avoid doing a Dec due date .... because of Christmas and my sister's wedding, no maybe not so hopeful for this month after all , the way it's turning out. It's kind of disappointing to me, I always thought for sure we'd have a 2004 baby ... but it's not looking real good right now. I am kind of sad about that. Jocelyn will be 3 years old this summer .... time is ticking for me it seems.
We are having NO luck finding an apartment either. We looked at one this weekend, but it was nothing bu an overpriced dive. We have another to see tomorrow .... but it's sounds equally as *divey* and isn't even available until May 1. I am really bummed about that. We also haven't heard anything about our house that is supposed to be built by May 28 ... they need to give us notice 65 days ahead of time.... that bring us to Mar 24. Should be soon, why don't they just get a move on already. UGH!

I don't really have anything nice to say .... I'd better stop while I'm ahead.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

CD 23
OMG OMG OMG!!!!
I don't believe this is actually happening! We found a decent apartment today, that is available RIGHT AWAY!!!!! Unreal! We can (and probably will) move next week. I am so glad. It's in a highrise apartment, but ours is on the second floor. It has newer carpet, brand new appliances, big rooms, big windows. YEAH! This can only be good for us. It is a little bit more expensive than we were hoping for, but we'll make do. We'll scrimp where we need to .. but hopefully by this time next month Clayton will be working at that apprenticeship job anyway! Hooray! I am excited, can you tell?

Today I had good quality creamy fluid ... not quite eggwhite, but I shouldn't be too far off of that by now. I have a date in bed with my husband tonight, just for kicks I suppose, more for celebration reasons as well!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

CD 30-something

I haven't been posting here lately cause I have bene VERY busy getting things organzied since I am moving this weekend!!! We are SO excited. I have a lot of things to do, but it will be so great once everything is all finished up. I can already feel the weight lifting off of my shoulders. I am ready for this to happen.

On the TTC front ...... I am going to O ANY minute now and we have been keeping up with the BD all this time as well, so it probably looks like we have a good chance this time around!

I bought a new Pillow Top King Size bed this week and ordered the bedding for it today from Sears... but it won't be in until Tuesday. We are also on the hunt for a table and chair set for the dining room and some night stands for our room as well. Eventualy we'll get a head board,, but I am content with the big bed for a while anyway.

I am BEAT! I'm heading to bed, but hopefully I'll be adding some DPO's to my entry next time!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

CD 33 1 DPO!!!!

I had the almight temp jump this morning ... meaning I officially O'ed yesterday! Hooray! Just in time too!

Tomorrow is the big move, I have a lot of last minute things to get done right now, but I just wanted to slip on here and record this. We just got back from Toronto where we saw a Leafs' game ... it was my anniversary present from Clayton. I think it was definitely more for him! But it was an okay time overall.

More in a few days after we get settled ... tah tah for now!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

CD 40 8 DPO

Gosh, it's been a long time! I was a little bit worried today and yesterday since I was having some cramping yesterday afternoon and this morning and afternoon, but I came home and had a nap after work and I haven't felt crampy at all tonight! I haven't even had a SPOT of spotting yet either, so that is good. It would be perfect if implantation is happening yesterday and today, so that my body would realize what is going on before AF shows up in two days (10 DPO usually)

I took a test last night ..... negative, of course. I am SO WEAK!!!! Why did I think it would be anything but neg. I guess I rationalized that since the tests where so sensitive that even one day of development would show enough hormone to show up ... duh. Isn't it funny how we will tell ourselves anything just to take a test!!!

Time for bed .... I'm a little tired today, even dispite my nap today!!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

CD 43 11DPO

I have been totally slacking lately on this, but today I got a BFP!!!! I got a BFN this morning, but this evening on the retest I got a positive!!! Ya baby! On to #2 this year!

EDD December 10, 2004