Levels continue to drop - now I'm at 2500. Which althugh I know is a good thing, still makes me sad. At least I'm longer feeling pregnant - which sucked. But I was thinking this weekend, for my crazy brain, it's better that I had this as an ectopic instead of a miscarriage. I watch some of the women on the TTCAL board, and they are beating themselves up over their m/c's - and I can say that I'm thankful that I 'caught it early'....
If I had a m'c instead - I totally would have been freaking out - what if I hadn't gone to spin class.... what if I hadn't had that sushi - would I still be pg?
Sigh. It's only been a week and a half since this all happened, and time is going so slowly. The 3 month wait for me to start TTC is going to be rough - I can already tell. Last night, I knit up some baby booties for my friend Brad and Cheney - I'm going to drop them off tonight. I made a second pair for me - and they are going to be put in my little chest filled with baby stuff. I know it will happen someday! Must stay positive! But staying positive is hard....
Went to my acupuncturist this morning - we are only going to meet once every 2 weeks (better on my pocketbook!) but continue with the herbs. I just talked to her today and got herbs, I'll go back on Monday for a treatment.
I've decided to join to local Master's swim team. I was a big swimmer in high school and college (all american, even). This will be a good way to get back in shape, and maybe make some new friends. I'm still not allowed to exercise for another week, but this will give me something to look forward to.
Today is Halloween - I'm wearing a funny hat at work, and then tonight, we are having a bunch of people over. We live in one of the popular trick or treating neighborhoods - we decorate the house up, and then sit outside with a firepit, drink beer, eat ribs, and make smores - while we give out candy. It should be fun.
OK - so speaking of being a big time swimmer... I have one good thing that is coming out of this whole TTC crapola. All of those years of locker rooms have given me a toenail with fungus... gross, I know. I was dealing with it by just being sure that it was always painted... but this summer, while I was training for the Breast Cancer 3 day - it started to become painful and got infected twice. I went to a poditrist, and he recommended that I go on Lamisil. Thing is, they don't know what the effects are if you are a TTCing or prego on Lamisil - so I decided to put off using it, and just deal with the occasional pain... trying to be careful not to get it infected again.
We can't TTC for 3 months, and I need to take the Lamisil for 84 days! Perfect! You are on this medicine for 3 months, but don't see a perfect toenail again for between 6 - 9 months.... but I'm excited I get the chance to fix it.
And the numbers continue to fall. My blood draw today got me to 1,328. This means I only have to go in weekly for this crap now. And she told me to call up the doc and make an appointment to start planning for what to do in Jan... when we can start TCCing again. I was going to call right away, but then realized that I need to have Aaron with me... who knows what they are going to tell me. I know that he made a comment about going straight to IVF... I'm not going to think about it until we talk.
In the meantime... I'm cleared for excerise and sex again! Tee hee. I'm going to keep it a surprise, and do something fun tonight for Aaron - and get up early in the AM and go to spin class! Yippppeee!!!
So, this weekend was interesting. I pretty much had an extreme meltdown on Friday. I have a half brother that lives far away - and we rarely see each other. Around Christmas, he is going to Atlantic City a five hour drive from here) - and I really wanted to go and meet up with him. Well, my DH doesn't like to travel much, and is really stressed out about money (who isn't - with the cold weather and high oil prices and all the costs of fertility stuff!!??). Anyway - he told me that we shouldn't promise anyone anything - we'd see how are finanaces are at that time, and see if we can swing it.
I just lost it. His family is extremly pushy - we end up going to see them often - and they live in Nantucket (pay for expensive parking, the gas to get there, and then a ferry ticket or a plane ride over). And I really feel like I need to be around me family. My mom lives about 2 hours away - and my brothers are a minimum of a 12 hour car ride. Some of his family is actually in the same town we live in! I just don't think he is understanding.
Then, another totally unrelated thing came up - when I starterd feeling better last week, I started peeling the wallpaper in the guest bathroom (and the bathroom that the baby will use). I told Aaron it was because I wanted to have everyone looking nice for Thansgiving when the whole family will be over - but really in the back of my mind I have this crazy belief that the reason I got pregnant last month was because I was so postive, and finished up that baby dresser. Like the baby knows it's welcome if it comes or something?
Anyway - Aaron was all fired up about money, and I was all upset about not seeing my family, and I just starting sobbing uncontrolably saying that I think that by redoing the bathroom, I'll get pregnant again... and told him that I felt I was this big failure as a wife because not only does it take me forever to get pregnant, but when I finally do - it's ectopic.... and I'm crying and crying and crying... and he was just holding me and telling me everything would be OK. I think he was more upset that I didn't tell him all these crazy thoughts I have going around in my head.
Needless to say, we went to Home Depot and got everything we need to finish up the bathroom, and my mom drove up and visited my this weekend. She tends to drive me a little crazy (don't all moms?) but it was great to see her. We even worked on these really fun curtains for the baby room, and went out to afternoon tea... I feel MUCH better today.
I guess I feel (in the logical part of my mind) that everything is OK. I'm safe, I didn't lose a tube or anything, my levels are falling like they should, and we can try again in 3 months. But the other part of my wants a baby so bad it hurts, and just is still in so much pain about this whole thing that at times, it's overwhelming.
One of my friends said that I am at the point with this whole TTC thing that hope hurts. And although it's true, it makes me sad, you know?
Still feeling good. This week has been dragging at work - but I've been sleeping better than I have in MONTHS! I don't know why, but I'm not complaining. I think this week is going so slowly because I'm excited to go away with my girlfriends this weekend. We are spending Friday and Saturday night in a B&B, just hanging out. I can't wait!
It's funny - I go between not wanting to talk to anyone and never leaving the house, to wanting to be surrounded by friends. Hopefully, I don't get overwhelmed this weekend... but I'm sure it will be fine....
I go for another blood draw tomorrow morning - I wonder where my levels will be then? I think I'm on CD 16 today... but I don't know how these things are calculated after you get that shot. I also made an appointment to see my RE on Dec 12th, so we can start making plans for whatever we'll be doing in January. I'm not supposed start TTCing again until Jan 19th - so guess we'll just have to see where AF falls for the next few months to see what we do.
So. This weekend, I went on a weekend away with a bunch of friends. (it was a quilting weekend - no comments on how only grandmom's quilt - I like it!). 5 of my good friends came, and then there were 12 other people there also. Basically, we sit in a room with our sewing machines, make stuff and chat.
The lady who organzies this is our quilting teacher - we get together every 2 or 3 weeks at someones house and quilt together for a few hours - so needless to say - they know what is going on with me. She teaches this other woman, Stephanie, who has also gone through a bunch of infertility treatments, an ectopic preg and finally adopted. I guess Karen (the teacher) had told her what I was going through. That isn't the problem - because it isn't like I'm hiding all my TTC issues or anything. But - I will admit - going away this weekend was hard, being the first time I wasn't with Aaron since the ectopic. So, this woman totally knows what I'm going through - and the first thing she does when she see me is shows my pictures of hre little girl. Which, honestly, I love seeing, because I'm thankfully not that bitter or angry yet that I don't love seeing little babies - they still melt my heart.
BUT THEN. She goes on and on about all the great things that you can do since we're aren't pregnant - drink wine, use hot tubs, blah blah blah. And then keeps on telling me that I should consider adoption... that it is SO much better than going through the infertility treatments, ect - SHE WOULDN'T STOP. It was brutal.
I'm not saying that I'm not open to the idea of adoption, but I've only been getting help from a doctor since June - and only did clomid. I'm only 31. I'm totally not ready to give up on the idea of having my own child... in addition.... WTF!!! How can someone who went through 3 years of infertility treatment be so flipping insensitve!?
GAH. She was even pressuring me to go to the local RESOLVE convention on Sunday... which she repeatedly told me is only once a year - and I was like - I'm sorry, I'm just not ready to talk about it now. And she was pushing and pushing ('you don't need to talk, just listen') and I turned to her and said - my ectopic pregnancy was found 3 WEEKS AGO, and this is all still a bit raw - please back off!!!
She still didn't back off, until one of my friends took her aside and gave her a talking to. This only thing I can think is that she was so miserable for so long, and that this adoption really has made her happy, so she figures that is what everyone should do to aviod the pain. BUT HONESTLY.
At least the weekend was fun otherwise. I finished piecing a quilt I want to give my mother as her Christmas present, and I also got a little drunk and laughed and in general had a great time. Being away from Aaron was hard, but I got to cuddle with him last night, so I recovered!
Wow! It's been a long time since I posted anything.... but I'm not really offically TTCing until Jan, so I guess I don't have all that much to post about. I got my levels taken last week, and they were down to 140... the nurse is letting me take this week off from the blood draw, so hopefully, next week - we'll be a 0.
Not much going on here. We are getting ready to host Thanksgiving tomorrow, my brother and family are already here, my mom arrives tonight, and tomorrow, Aaron's father is coming. On Friday, I think I'll take my neices (twins - 9 years old) to see Happy Feet!
My levels today are at 32. Thirty god damned two. I'm so sick of getting my blood drawn and the nasty nurse that I ALWAYS seem to get. I want to move onto the next step of TTC, which I can't do until my levels go down to 0.... and honestly, I can't do anything until the 3 months are up anyway.
I think I'm just fed up because I spent the weekend with my lazy *** SIL - who has twin girls. They are 8, and when Aaron and I started TTCing, said that it took her a while to get preg, so don't worry. And my brother said to me, WHAT? She got preg with those girls the first month they tried. She was at my house all weekend, and whenever the girls became a bit of a handful, she would tell me - wait until you have kids (like having kids was a bad thing). I just hate it when people, esp people that know what you are going through, say things like that. I know that kids are stressful at times, but jesus! Look at who you are talking to!!!!! :P
I want my baby. I want it NOW. I want to hold my little baby and show it all the love I have stored up in my heart for it, instead of sitting here on the butt end of infertility, and smiling a forced smile when people joke about me just getting drunk and doing 'it' or that I need to relax or that 'don't worry, it'll happen some day'. I want to yell SCREW YOU!!!!
Wow. That was a bit of a vent.
Big sigh. This weekend I'm going back to get another session og hypnotherapy - maybe she'll be able to calm me down like she did last time. And I get to meet with my RE on Dec 12th... and, I'm going to Key West with my girlfriends on the 6th! Ok - things aren't all that bad.