Ok - AF came today. I figured - two BFN's can't be wrong. Off to enjoy my vacation. I'll worry about IVF when I get back.
So - my vacation was wonderful! Orcas Island was beautiful... and I had much fun hanging out with my girlfirends. There were a bunch of ladies there that went through fertility issues, so I got to hear all about there successes (either through IVF or adoption), and they are all routing for our success with this first IVF cycle.
Tomorrow morning we go into talk to the doctor. I don't really have a list of questions ready - but I'm sure I will think of some good ones between now and then. Of course, I'm hoping to be able to do a May cycle, but I have not idea of the plans.
OK - great meeting with the RE today. He thinks my weight is looking good, and wants to recommend that I go to his clinic instead of Brigham and Woman's. Of course, they just changed their rules, and wants me to lose another 5 pounds - but we decided for an ER date in July - so I should be fine for that. We talked a little about trying to make it for May - but even if I had done the bloodwork, I probably wouldn't have enough time to get my insurance approved.
I'll need to get CD 3 bloodwork drawn, and a bunch of other bloodtests. And then I'll start BC pills with the beginning of my June cycle - and the shots will start after that. Fun stuff (not!). Although, it's good to have a plan.
I think I'm going to stop charting and stuff for now. Of course - lots of BDing and hoping - but I'll take these three months as a little break as we gear up for the trials and tribulations that I'm sure will come with all the IVF stuff. It'll be interesting to see the impact of the homones, stress and my EDD for the ectopic in June. I should wear a warning label for that month!
In other really sad news, I found out the a friend of a friend lost their 2 month old baby to SIDS. I can't even imagine going though that. I have them in my prayers...
Oh - one last thing - I decided to start a blog for this whole process ( http://child-bearing-hips.blogspot.com/ )
OK. I've been brewing about this for days. I can't decide if I'm being a total witch with a B or if my feelings are vaild. Here we go. One of the women I went away on vacation with (who knows me and my fertility struggles very well) had a double mastecomy from her struggle with breast cancer 7 years ago. On this trip - we were joking around around boobs (a bunch of women in one spot, right?!?!) and she said under her breath - 'At least you have them'.
And I felt bad. I'm a fan of my boobs, and my DH is also... but I do know that if the issue presented itself - they would be sacrified for my health. No questions asked. So I tried to be careful about making boob comments around her.
One night, we are sitting around, talking about random things and drinking wine... this was after dinner where we spent a bunch of time discussing my upcoming RE appointment to talk about IVF - and all the trouble we had been having with getting pregnant and how frustrating and stressful it was fo me.... she starts talking about her kids. And how easy it was for her to get pregnant. The other people start talking about their kids also, and look at me, and say at least something to acknowledge that they know I don't have kids - but will soon. And then they all proceed to go on and on and on about thier kids and pregnancy blah blah blah blah.
AUGH! Not that I'm comparing my struggles with fertilty to CANCER but honestly. If I could realize how hurtful my boob comments were - couldn't she see how her 'easy' pregnancies and her getting pregnant while on the pill stories were hurtful to me!?!?!
Whatever. I decided to not chart anymore. I always ovulate. I just have 'egg catching' issues.
OK - I should be ovulating soon...CM is starting to indicate it - but - I'm not temping or using OPKs, so who knows? It's kind of nice. I tend to get rather obsessed checking my chart, checking my chart against that one BFP chart I had, then cross checking against other charts that look like mine that resulted in an BFP....
I can only really stress about one thing at a time. So - for the next 2+ months, I'm stressing out about losing those 5 pounds, and getting back in really good shape. I've been going to Bikram yoga 4 times a week, and now I'm adding in either walking or swimming each day too. At least I'm sleeping well!
Geez! Haven't posted here in a while. BUt - since I'm not actively TTCing, I feel like I don't have much to report. I did call my RE as he requested to remind him to start the papaerword for my insurance IVF approval. And made an appointment for the end of the month to discuss protocols... so I feel like we are making progress.
As for the weight loss, I'm really doing great. I'm down the 5 pounds I absolutly needed to lose, now I'm focusing on the next 9 that he said would be 'nice' to get down too. I'm feeling a lot better - doing a lot of walking outside in this nice weather, and having fun going to yoga too.
Now that I'm not totally obsessing about this whole baby making thing - I do feel better! I'm bit more relaxed - still trying to BD at the right time.. but the part that is really nice? Not stressing about all the money that I was spending on OPKs and acupunture and the herbs. At a minimum, I was spending $340 a month!!! :shock: I never added it all up - but I was pretty tight at the end of the month, and now, I'm not even worrying.
I'm expecting AF on Monday...
Well - AF actaully showed on Sunday, a day early. Since I'm not obsessing about TTCing, I've been obsessing on losing weight. Which means weighing myself daily. Which I know is dumb. But - when I weighed myself on Sunday, I had gained 3 pounds since Friday, and yesterday - I was up to 4!!! AUGH! But - since I've never weighed myself daily - I had no idea that I gained that much water weight with AF. Today I'm down 2.5 pounds... so hopefully, when AF leaves, I'll be back to at least where I was last week.
I've really been kicking in on the working out and eating right thing... and I'm still feeling really great.
Today I went in and got my CD 3 bloodwork done.... my first of I'm assuming many tests that I have to go through before I start the IVF stuff in June/July. I wonder if they will call me with all the results before I see my RE on the 29th? Last time all the bloodwork came back totally normal, so I'm not even worried. I know it's just a formality, as the last time they did this kind of workup was when we first started seeing the RE in April of last year.
Well... CD 9. Nothing really exciting to report on the TTC front. 2 week to go until we see the RE to find out the IVF protocol. I'm guessing that I'll get AF around June 3rd, and that will be our last natural cycle, or he'll put me on BC. Then... assuming things continue on 'normally', I'll get AF on July 1st... and get the IVF fun started. That'll have me starting the shots while my father is visiting... which is definitly NOT a good thing - but the ER in the middle of July.
So - by August I could be knocked up! That would be pretty freaking awesome.
This weekend, Aaron was talking about wanting to get on the weight loss bandwagon with me - which is good. I know that he is pretty sensitive about his current weight - but isn't really doing anything about it. And - he doesn't really have a choice in the matter for dinner - he eats what I cook! BUt good to know he'll be making an effort. My weight loss is going really well. I'm feeling great and the number is steadily dropping.
Geez - I really haven't been posting much! I think I O'd yesterday - but have no idea, as still no OPKs or charting... but I can't resist checking out my CM and it was really fertile the last couple of days.
It's our anniversary today! 3 years! I gave Aaron a cool engraved door knocker (trust me, he loved it) and he gave me a half day at the spa. I'm tempted to run over and use it this weekend, but I think I'm going to save it... first - just in case we have a miracle and get a BFP this month - I don't want to be getting massaged and hot and everything - might as well be safe. And second - I think I'll be pretty stressed out next month, with getting ready for the IVF and everything. That is probably a better time anyway.
One week countdown to the docs! My weight is in a good place, but I notice that when I have something with a lot of salt (chinese food, sushi with soy sauce) I gain a bunch of water weight - like 5 pounds! And it takes about 2 or 3 days to get rid of it! So, this week, I'm being really careful about not only the amount of food that I eat, but also the salt content.
I'm both excited and nervous to see the doc. I want to see my bloodwork results, and learn what our next steps are... but I also am a bit nervous about those next steps! Here's hoping that our well timed BDing paid off this month, and I don't even have to worry.
Wow. Haven't updated here in a while. It has been a big whirlwind the past few weeks....
Went to the doc on 5/29, and it was a 'decent' doc visit. I have lost 15 pounds since I saw him last, and was totally expecting him to be happy - but instead he pointed out that he'd like me to lose another 5 pounds. So I started crying. Awesome. But then he gave me the plan - that I would not need BCPs, would start lupron on CD21, and to call on CD1 to set up my pre-op app for IVF. Oh, and that Aaron needed another SA - but that we should be all set for IVF this month.
Aaron called to set up the SA, and then couldn't do it until 6/6 (which, honestly, WTF? Why did he have to set up an appointment? Just for labwork!?). And on CD 1 I set up the pre op appointment, and asked for the nurse to call me back because I had some questions. When she calle dme back, she asked why I had set up the pre op stuff when I wasn't approved for IVF yet? Huh?
I freaked out. Turns out that there is a very low chance that they can get the paperwork through the insurance in time... so we are going to have to end up waiting until July to start the IVF stuff. I was really pissed off about it when it happened... but now I've accepted it.
Funny thing is - how much you want to bet they'll be some insurance miracle, and we'll be fine for this month.
Today is the EDD of my ectopic pregnancy. I'm not overwhelmingly sad, unless I really start to dwell on it. June 14th.... think about it. It's the most perfect due date ever. Give birth the end of spring, and take my 3 months of maternity leave over the summer. I'd get to spend a lot of time with my friends who are teachers... I was visualizing trips to my family's cabin the Berkshires, cute pictures of me 'showing' at Christmas...
But shit happens.
I'm not sitting here crying all day. Of course I wish I was already on the other side of this battle. But - we have a 'battle plan' and a path forward. And we are in a better place financially and physically this year than we were last. I just have to keep on focusing on the good - otherwise I think I would have sunk into a deep hole of depression.
Still no word from the 'insurance lady' as I've started to think of her. She felt the fastest we would hear something would be a week - which hwould mean tomorrow (she couldn't send anything in until Aaron's SA came back). Blech.
Next week, Aaron is gone for the whole week for work. I usually plan a whole bunch of things to do with friends so I'm not lonely - I don't think I'll do that this time. I'm just going to stay home with the doggies and relax.
Wow! Havent updated here in ages. Mostly because nothing exciting is going on with TTCing... and I have my blog to write on. I found out on 6/25 that I was rejected by insurance for IVF - because I wasn't infertile... you know, since I had been pregnant in the past year!??! Oh. I was MAD.
My doc is appealing the decision, but we have already decided to do this month as another DIY cycle, and then be ready to start everything in Aug/Sept. At the latest, I should hear back on the decision by the 20th.
I've also decided to go get a second opinion. My doc has done some pretty annoying things - don't need to go into right now - but also is very focused on my weight. I have lost 33 pounds since last year, and all my results from the blood work and everything else do not show any indication that my wieght is the issue. But I swear to god, each time we talk, my weight comes up.
Anyway.... that is it for now - gearing up to O and hoping we can do this on our own this month and aviod IVF all together!
Well, I got denied by our insurance AGAIN. We relaly have to wait the full 12 months after the ectopic.
Friday, when I got home, and I told Aaron about the whole 'denied by insurance' fiasco, it ended up in a meltdown on my part of epic proportions. The kind of meltdown that I have only had perhaps 5 times in my adult life - sobbing, screaming, hiccuping...gasping for breath - I'm guessing you other IFers know the one. Even as it was happening I was wishing I could stop. Wishing that I could be totally rational about this whole thing and realize that getting denied this time around only means another month until they can submit again, and I'm pretty much assured approval.
But, I wasn't rational. I find myself being SO resentful for that ectopic pregnancy that I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. I was SO hopeful and excited when I got that BFP, as was Aaron. The devastation that it was ectopic was horrible. The false hope that it gave me that at least I could get pregnant on my own - pisses me off now. Aaron and I have been trying for another 6 months since it happened to no avail. AND - if it hadn't happened? I would have been happily moving along with injectables and IUIs, and actually, if those hadn't worked, I would have just been starting IVF at this point. But no. That damn ectopic pregnancy counts as a 'pregnancy' for insurance, and means I no longer qualify for an infertility diagnoses. It also had to happen on the one month I wasn't taking drugs - so can't even count as an ectopic during infertility treatment, which would have also allowed me to move onto IVF sooner.
Instead, I'm sitting here after almost a whole year of no treatment. The fact that we can't submit insurance again until September means that I will need to get another HSG - which was VERY painful for me the first time. I know that it's impacting my relationship - as the stupid cycle of hope shows very obviously in my mood swings throughout the month (which are helped by the hormones, sigh). Sad from CD 26 - 3, levels out cd 4 - 10, gets excited 10 - 20, the nervous waiting and dread sets in on cd21.... I know I'm not telling you all anything new.
But then, at the same time, I'm thankful. I love my life, my husband, my job is decent, I've got great friends.... and I have more time to work on losing even more weight before we go to IVF. I have some time to work on learning some new technologies for work that will be good for my resume. My new friends on my block? They all started having kids around this time in my life. I know I'm not too old and I know I really haven't been trying all that long in the grand scheme of things (2 and a half years).
But staying rational is SO hard. I'm going to do my best to just have fun with these next two months. See if I can do the impossible and not think about IVF or insurance or anything like that until the end of September. Sure, I have a doctors appointment for a second opinion next week - but even if we decide to switch to her, it isn't like she can get my insurance switched any faster either.
I'm back! I didn't write anythingi n here for a while mostly because we weren't doing anything exciting on the TTC front. I switched docs, and they got me approved for IVF right away. And - I didn't have to redo that stupid HSG, I just had to do a little saline test that was no biggie.
I've been on Lupron for 11 days now, and had my baseline bloodwork and u/s this morning. I should be starting up with follistim tonight... have to wait on the call from my nurse though.
Well... starting to get pretty cranky on the drugs. I started my stims on Tuesday night - so all of 2 shots (well, plus 13 days on Lupron). Anyway - I'm at work today, and earlier in the week, I brought in a 6-pack of soda. Someone took a bottle, open it, poured some out AND PUT IT BACK. I am irrationally angry about this.
Sunday morning, I have to drive all of the way into Boston for my bloodwork - I am so curious to see how I'm going to respond to the injectables. When I was on Clomid, I got one or two follies each cycle, but I think I was doing that on my own already! I really hope this does the trick for us... I've already figured out that my due date would be around July 25 if this cycle works. Silly, I know.
Well, I got my bloodwork done on Sunday, and my estradoil was at 98. The nurse says they like to see it at 300 on day 6, so they upped my meds, from 187.5 to 300 with the follistim. My lupron stayed the same. I was all freaked out about it, and then I came to the boards, and others have had the exact same levels on day 6, and ended up with a successful cycle.
But, I've really got myself tied in knots. I was acting like I'm just excited to be doing something (finally, after almost a year of doing nothing)... but it's not true. I want this to work out in the worst way. I want to know that I'm going to be successful and have a baby! I decided to go back to my hypnotheripst tonight, and see if she can work her magic.
Tomorrow I go back in for bloodwork and u/s - I'm really hoping that they see some good stuff in there.
My estradiol is up to 391 (from 98 on Sunday) with 4 measurable follies over 10mm (with more than 5 under 10mm on each side).
That seems like good news to me! We are keeping the meds the same for now, and going back in for bloodwork and u/s on Thursday morning.
Grow follies grow!!
My blood work and u/s came back, my estradiol is up to 803, and I have 5 measureable follies - this biggest is 18 X 14, and then the next is 17 X 14. I also have a bunch of little ones that the nurse thinks will catch up by then.
I do 2 more nights of the follistim (tonight and Friday) and then go in Saturday for another u/s and blood work. The nurse seemed pretty sure I'd be triggering on Saturday night for Monday morning retrival!
OMG! This is really happening!!!!!