TTC #1 after m/c and Ectopic

Well ive thought about writting a TTC journal for a while now but havent really been up to it.
Now after my ep on 4th June 06, im again actively TTC for the third try.

A little about me,

My Name: Carla
My Age: 20
Partner: Marco
Partners Age: 32
Together for 3yrs
TTC Since June 2005
:angel13:: m/c @ 5wks Sep 05
:angel13:: e/p @ 6wks June 06

My ectopic pregnancy story:

Friday night my period pain like cramp go so servere it reduced me to tears, my partner immediately called and ambulence and i was rushed to emergency. At first the doctors thought i just had a urinary tract infection and ordered some urine tests and blood samples, they also did and internal and i had no bleeding so they told me not to worry about the baby, they sent me a gynocologisit who i swear was on drugs!!! she was so out of it and didnt know what the hell she was doing!!! she did NO examination of me and just did some HCG tests, i asked her what they were and she said 'i dont know 1500 and something i think' she couldnt even be bothered looking in my file and telling me the exact result, she told me not to worry but i said to her that my levels have now gone down as they were 2224 4 days ago, she had no idea!! and kept telling me to keep an eye on my spotting, after repeating myself 5 times that i had NO SPOTTING she finally got it through her thick head!!! anyway she kept me in friday night to have a vaginal scan in the morning, i went to the nurse and got my exact HCG levels and they were 1100 not 1500. the gyno insisted that theres nothing wrong with the baby and my HCG levels were "normal" she was the worst doctor!!! anyway, i had my u/s in the morning and there was no baby in my uturus but there was a 5cm mass seen in my fellopian tube, a few hours later a new gyno (who know what she was doing) came and broke the news to me that it was an ectopic, i was devistated, i broke down and couldnt calm myself, i just kept thinking how unfair i had to go through another loss, and how i was going to do it again. I just wanted to keep my baby. Anyway the nice gyno knocked off and went home and i got the stupid gyno back who didint understand or speak english, she said the baby was 'dissolving' itself and i wouldnt need an operation, i kept telling her of the intense pain under my ribs and she kept ignorning it and wouldnt write me up any pain releif.... so i suffered throught the night, they moved me to womens health unit (where all the newbowns are) and i got a new gyno who used her brain and knew the pain wasnt right. it turns out the tube was on the verge of bursting and was leaking blood so id been bleeding internally for the last 2 days, they took me into get the baby removed sunday morning. I was so scared, i knew i would wake up empty and without my baby, they wouldnt let me see my partner or mum before i went in, i was so alone, they said they would have to take my tube and it would lessen the chance of me getting pregnant again, i was terrified, anyway, when i woke up from the operation no one would tell me ANYTHING i wanted to know if i still had my tube. they took me back to my room and my partner mum and dad were there, they told them straight awat that i still had my tube, but they were ignoring me THEIR PATIENT!!! by the time i got back to my room it was about 1pm and visiting hours werent until 3pm... the mothers who just had their healthy babies were allowed visiters but i wasnt, i woke up empty, alone, lost and sad and the nurse wouldnt let me see my mum or parner for another 2 hours, so i laid alone in my room and cried by myself. i was so angry, i wanted my familly, my mum has gone through this and i wanted her support, i missed my baby instantly. when 3pm came, i was allowed to see my mum for an hour then the nurse said they had to leave because all the babies in the ward needed their rest and she said all the new mothers needed rest, what about me?? i had no baby, mine was gone and i needed nothing but my familly, and they took that too. i had my own private room, so i wasnt disturbing anyone or their babies!! anyway, they told me the baby was 6 weeks, healthy and with a strong heartbeat. They offered me NO support, no counselling, no books or anything and i couldnt even grieve with my familly because they werent allowed in, it was bad enough being stuck in a room watching all the new mums with their babies, they even stuck a baby bed in my room, but my baby was dead. I remember asking to use the phone to call my mum because i was alone and crying, the nurse said ok, walked out of the room and spent the next 15 minutes playing with someones new baby, while i was left crying by myself with no one.... i felt so unimportant and out of place. Im sorry it be complaining so much but i was totally ignored because i didnt have my angel in my arms. im finally home now, i have a 1 in 5 chance of having another ectopic because when my tube heals, it can cause scaring, which causes ectopics. Apparenly i had this first ectopic because when they took my gallbladder out, they werent gentle and they grazed my tube causeing scar tissue.

anyway, i havent got my angel inside me anymore but i wish all you ladies out there the best, i want you to know how lucky you are and how blessed you are. Im happy for all of you out there, i might cheack in time to time and see how your all going, but for now i need to grieve. Thanks for all your support.

So there are the basics, I bled from my ectopic on the 4th so im counting that as my period, I've been doing a Basal Body Temperature chart this cycle and ovulated on the 19th, which i BD'ed 15th, 16th, 20th and 21st so hopefully i caught an egg.

Between my m/c and ep, it took 8 months to conceive and im hoping this time it only takes a few cycles. I want a baby more than anything right now and i want it to go right, i want a healthy baby after nine months and im praying to god SOOOO much, i just hope he hears my prayers and answers them. I want to be in the maternity ward for the RIGHT reasons, not because im loosing my bean.

Well now im starting my TTC journal, dont expect me to stay long!! :wink: I hope :shock:

Im currently in the middle of my 2WW as im at 6DPO and ill be POAS'ing either on 14DPO or 16DPO, the longer i wait the better chance of having a BFP show but CAN i wait that long? lol it just drives me crazy not knowing.

I have a cough at the moment and think i might be getting the flu, its kind of one of my pregnancy signs, sort of, the first time i was preggers, i got the flu and tested and got a BFP and the second time i got the flu again and tested and got another BFP!!! Strange. Im praying to god that there is nothing wrong with my eggs or :bluesperm:

When will it be my turn? the day i deliver my healthy baby will be my miracle!!!

HCG Blood Test appointment on Thursday 29th June, to cheak my levels, here is my HCG Chart:
14/5/06: 117
22/5/06: 1243
29/5/06: 2224
02/6/05: 1100
09/6/06: 166
20/6/06: 49
29/6/06: 5

I just thought of something i wanted to add, a couple of nights ago i had a dream i was about 8months pregnant and i had an u/s and we found out we were having a little boy. I woke up with a huge smile on my face only to realise it was all a dream. It probably didnt mean anything but maybe, just maybe, my ep would have been a boy or my next one will be a boy, who knows.

Also still on the dream subject, a few days before that dream i had one where my sister and i were both 8-9months pregnant and we both went into labor together, she ended up delivering a baby boy and i wasnt due for another 4 weeks and was hoping for a baby girl since my sister had a boy.

AND then again i wake up and realise im not really pregnant and probably never will be (a bit dramatic i know but i cant help but feel all hope is lost sometimes, if i do by some miracle finally fall pregnant again, it probably wont stick).

When i first started out i thought all of this would be easy, id just fall pregnant on my first or second cycle and have a beautiful baby in 9months time!!! Little did i know about all the risks and worries involved, its such an emotional rollercoaster!! How will i ever make it to that motherhood light at the end of my long dark tunnel?? I dint know back then of all the things that can go wrong and how hard it would be to get pregnant and how even MORE harder it would be to keep it growing inside of me, then all of that couldnt even come close to how hard it was to experience 2 losses, its so common yet i feel so alone.
I often wonder if my doctors shoulod be doing something about it? Like tests or something?? testing my eggs or marcos sperm?? giving me blood tests...?? i dont know, just something to make sure a baby can grow full term inside of me. I spose its not important to them so what do they care!!! Im scared of another m/c, i dont think i can cope, part of my wants to try harder after a loss and yet the more losses, the more negative i get. Its not fair now because when/if i fall pregnant again, i cant get excited!!!! i have to wait 3 months till i can get excited. and even then, thell be something else to worry about. ALL of it would be worth it if i just had a beautifu baby at the end.

God PLEASE PLEASE PLEEEEEEEEEASE guide me in my emotions and HELP me fall pregnant soon, help me have a healthy sticky baby in 9months, please i need all the help you can give, we are ready for a baby, i promise, we have soooooo much love to give and would like a baby to give it to. Please answer my prayers, Im putting all my trust and hope in you.

Today is a good day, im having a nice one!!! Ive also made a new friend, i went to a Mary Kay party and the consultant and i got to chatting, now we call each other and have coffe, we are going to go over and have dinner at her house on friday. Her name is Renata and she has 2 of the most adorable girls!!! One is marissa who is 16months and the other is Elannah who is 5months. She had been TTC for 12 years before marissa!!!! Im sure if she can do it i can do it!!! She had a few problems though, due to having a kidney transplant, she litterally had 2 miracle babies and is trying for a third!!! I wish her all the luck in the world!!

Anyway i still have my cough, kept me awake ALLLLLLLLL night!!! Im going to send marco up for som cough medicine after he finishes watching his movie. I might take some xanox before going to bed, hope it gives me a good nights rest, Im going to go POAS right now and see if my levels are negative so ill be right back with the results.

OK so i just POAS and its negative so its almost safe to say that my levels are back to normal since the ectopic SO my next BFP will be a REAL BFP meaning im pregnant again. Ill have my blood test thursday anyway just to be sure, but by then i know it will be negative. YUP just looked at the test again, definately a BFN, thats the first time i actually wanted a BFN!!!! Now thats done, bring on the BFP!!!!

Wishing myself lots of Baby Dust
:babydustpink: :blowingdustpink:
:babydustblue: :blowingdustblue:

I would like to add some pictures.

Me and Marco before going to the Strassman Concert.
http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g1...rcoCarla-1.jpg

Marco holding my best friends baby Tamika (3 Months)
I'snt he going to make the most ADORABLE father!!!
http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g1...coTamika-1.jpg

Renata's (a friend) beautiful daughter Marissa (16 Months)
http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g1...s/Marissa1.jpg

Renata's Baby girl Ellannah (5 Months)
http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g1...s/Elannah1.jpg

They are VERY beautiful girls, and she knows just how blessed she is. Here is a picture of Renata and Ellannah at the hospital.
She is and absolute lovely lady, I havent known her for long at all but i can tell we are going to be great friends, and im looking forward to meeting the girls on Thursday.
http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g1...os/Renata1.jpg

I Wanted also to add the poem i wrote for Baby hope (my ectopic).

http://trustingingod.com/CRYING%20ANGEL.gif

If only I could trade my tears,
To listen to your heart,
I'd gladly trade in my fears,
So we wouldnt be apart,

God has taken you,
Placed you safely under his wing,
But he forgot to take me too,
He left me here greiving,

I feel so sad and empty,
So alone, unsure and lost,
I no longer feel you inside of me,
I would take you back at any cost,

I used to pray for your safety,
Praying I would hold you in my arms,
I prayed for you, my darling baby,
For gods protection from all harms,

I promise you one day,
I will no longer wheep,
I will gently hold your head to lay,
and in my arms you'll fall asleep,

Don't be scared sweet baby,
The angels will help you find your wings,
Please sweetheart dont shed tears for me,
We'll meet when the time comes,

Until then you'll be in my heart,
In my thoughts you will stay,
even though were worlds apart,
I'll always be your mommy.

And here is a Poem i wrote for my frist Baby Angel (Miscarriage)

http://www.naturalbirthandbabycare.c...ges/flower.jpg

My hands tremble
At the thought of your existence
Trying not to stumble
I regain my stance

This little life inside of me
A gift given by god
This little angel could have been
Another beautiful soul in this world

Feeling so much love
I felt full and proud
Knowing i had you to protect
To god i had vowed

You dont have to be heard or seen
To be a part of me
For in time you could have been
The perfect little baby.

This is a poem i wrote for my Darling Partner Marco, I wanted to express how much i loved him and how much i Appreciated EVERYTHING he had done for my during the loss of baby hope. I love him to death and thank god every day that he brought us together.
:love3: :lovebed: :bwush: :huggles: :Iloveyou: :giveflower: :bigkiss: :biglove: :love10: :love1: :kaos17:

http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g1...otos/Marco.jpg

You stayed there with me
When times got rough
Destiny helped us fall
Head over heels in love

We've shared the losses
Of our two beautiful babies
Our hands held tightly
Through all the what-ifs and maybes

Still you've helped me through
My heartache and my sorrow
Your smile touched my heart
And i made it through tomorrow

You never let me give up hope
With a shadow upon my world
Standing tall you helped me cope
Tightly my body you held

Together one day
A darling baby you'll hold
Looking into innocent eyes
A heart for you to mould

And now because of you
I can get through the next day
Knowing you, too
Will show me through my way.

Thankyou

Well todays been a bit of a BLAAAAAH day :pissed:

FIRST renata couldnt make it down for coffee so she had to cancel, dont get me wrong, im not at all angry at her or anything, im just dissapointed in the situation as i was looking so much forward to meeting her girls!!! BUT i will see them tomorrow :pinkelephant:

SECOND I went to the hospital for another HCG blood test to see how my levels are and i HATE doing it because it reminds be that i wont ever get to hold baby hope and then after that, the whole day is miserable!!!!

THIRD to top it all off the internet on my laptop is not working and i dont know why :help: one minute i was on the net surfing and i turned it off and went to sleep, when i woke up the next morning, the internet would not work, me and DH jhave both tried EVERYTHING!! and cant seem to figure it out. I just want to :blowup:

Ill get back to you later on my HCG results!!!