I bought some Pre-Seed and something to test out Ferning. I will now have three things this month to determine when I'm fertile and if and when I O. Wish me luck! Hope and pray that I O, and that I catch that eggy! I WANT IMPLANTATION! LOL! *dances around with baby dust*
There are times when I'm on the TTC boards and I'm so happy for the other girls when they get their BFPs!
There are also other times when I'm so insanely jealous and go, "OMG they already have one, tried for ONE month, and already conceived #2!"
I ask myself, "Why can't I?" or "What's wrong with me?"
I break down in tears.
What did I do?
Will it EVER happen?
Will I get to know what it's like to be called 'Mommy' one day, or will my hopes and wishes fall to the ground and break into thousands of pieces like the glass from a mirror would do if you dropped it?
Will I get to complain about my screaming child?
Will I get to complain about getting little to no sleep?
If I get pregnant will everything go okay?
It's not going to cause more pain is it?
Please God, no miscarriages.
I'm not sure I could handle that.
I still ask, "What is wrong with me?!" as I sit here in tears, wondering why I can't conceive a child.
A child for him.
A child for me.
A child for us.
I cannot relate to anyone in my real life about TTC.
Everyone I know has a child or is pregnant, and never once had to TRY.
All 'Oops," or "Wow, that was unexpected and/or fast."
I wish I knew why.
I hope our little miracle comes along soon.
We would be such good parents, and him, I know he would be the best father.
I just want to give him that opportunity.
He deserves it so much more than I do, but without me, it cannot happen.
I pray that we conceive a healthy baby.
I don't care what sex it is. (Though I still think I might prefer a boy.)
Then I think that and immediately say, "No, I want a girl!"
But then I wonder if I will pass my bladder illness on down to her.
Being a girl she would be higher risk.
Could I live with that?
Giving birth to a healthy baby that stays that way till the age of 22 and then falls in the complete other direction.
Just like I did??
Please tell me no.
That won't happen.
I won't be given anything I can't handle.
I keep holding on to the hope of that.
I think more than anything I pray for... happiness.
Complete and utter and unconditional happiness.
Can we please have our bundle of joy now?
Or will it be another month?
I don't care, as long as the answer is not 'Never.'
I suppose my former post was written when I truly needed a good cry. I can read it now and cry. I read it to my two best friends (Yes two! I'm very fortunate to have two best friends in my life. They are both wonderful girls who have beautiful daughters of their own!) and cried. I couldn't help it, but it was something I really needed to get out, and sometimes a good cry, and writing can do the trick!
Another Lindsay (Lyndsey) contacted me about Supernatural Childbirth. I've already read some of it, and it has kept my hopes high! She knows who she is and my husband and I thank her for contacting me, and I hope she stays in contact with me!
I've been feeling better. The book I've been waiting to come in the mail finally got here. Taking Charge of Your Fertility! It's the 10th anniversary revised edition. It came yesterday. I've looked through it and found the cervix to be not the most pleasant looking thing on/in a female body, LOL and I want to read it soooo bad, but can't. I will though! I just promised myself and friends that I would finish The Twilight Saga first! I'm at the end of book 3. Very excited to see what's to come and to read the 4th and final book. Now, off to finish Eclipse!
...I still like Jacob Black!
P.S. Menses has finally passed! Onto O'ing! I'm keeping my fingers crossed and my hopes high to God on this one! Please PLEASE let me O, and let everything turn out to be a normal cycle even if I don't get my BFP!
P.S.S. early-pregnancy-tests got my order wrong! They sent me some other girl's order, but after contacting them through email this is what they let me know...
Thank you for the note and I am sorry for the delay in reply, it has taken us a bit of time to track down the source of the error. First off, I would like to offer our sincerest apologies for the mix up, we rarely make any packing/shipping errors. I have processed a reshipment for your appropriate order today, and it will be shipped out first thing tomorrow morning. We will communicate with the other customer independently. As for the other products you've received we would be much obliged if you could return them to us and we will credit your account for the postage incurred. Simple first class mail though USPS would be great to the address below:
Early Pregnancy Tests.com
1050 Larrabee Ave Ste. 104
Bellingham, WA 98225-7367
Please let me know of any questions/comments/concerns and again, please accept our apology for the mistake!
I plan to ship the stuff back to them that they sent me as soon as I receive my Pre-Seed and Fertile-Focus scope for ferning. I was so angry, but at least they are sending the right stuff! It was just a pain to go through it. I'm not sure I'll order from there again.
Speaking your mind totally pays off in the end. That is the lesson here.
Jeremy (DH) woke me up to temp, so I did, and said I wanted to go back to sleep, but I HAD to go pee. So I went to the bathroom, and there was a card on the precious toilet seat. (lol he always knows i'll see it there since i pee so often from my bladder illness!) The next thing I heard was him leave out the front door, but I slowly opened the envelope anyway.
I read everything it said, then read the stuff he'd written himself on the left. To make a long story short he mentioned how we never had our first dance, and that I should meet him outside after reading the card. I thought... "Hmm, okay." So, I grabbed my pants and walked outside. He had my car moved and the entire driveway had been turned into a heart with tea light candles! He also had a CD player and a CD with Otis Redding singing I've Been Loving You Too Long (To Stop Now.) He asked if I'd dance with him, and or course I did! Then the song When A Man Loves A Woman by Percy Sledge came on. We danced through three songs or so! I had tears in my eyes! It was so sweet, and he went way out of his way to do what he did for me. Chris (the best man at our wedding) had picked him up earlier, and he ran around and did a bunch of stuff.
LOL He just messaged Chris on yahoo and Chris was glad he was able to even pull it off! ME TOO! We're going over there tomorrow night instead of tonight. We're both just too tired, but at least he went ahead and bought alcohol while they were out! Whoo!
I had been so upset that nothing was going to happen on our anniversary that I had went off on him the other day at work, and then felt completely guilty because our anniversary isn't until the 29th. Do I think I made him do this? Absolutely not. Did he do it on his own after I snapped his brain awake a little? Definitely! It shows how much communication means to a relationship! I'm so glad I'm such a blunt, opinionated, extroverted person. Jeremy (DH) is such the opposite, but wow he earned good points with me on this one! Amazing! Something I will never ever forget!!
P.S. He got me flowers too. Red, long-stem roses, just like I carried down the isle!!
I decided to start taking OPKs purposely early this month just to see the change up until I O and even after. Once I get cross hairs on FF I'll probably stop because then I'll know, and I should be getting negatives by then.
I'll probably update this post in a new reply, or continue to update this specific post. Though, it will most likely be the first option because it will be easier to find. I want to write out some stuff and make a LH surge scale with the OPKs. Yeah, it pretty much just gives me something to do.
Level 1 - Extremely faint line. Can barely see it.
Level 2 - It's definitely there but still very faint.
Level 3 - About half as dark as the control line.
Level 4 - Almost a positive.
Level 5 - As dark as the control line.
Level 6 - Darker than the control line.
-NEGATIVE Level 1 CD 8: 9/25/08
-NEGATIVE Level 2 CD 9: 9/26/08
-NEGATIVE Level 1 CD 10: 9/27/08
-NEGATIVE Level 1 CD 11: 9/28/08
-NEGATIVE (test 1) Level 1 (test 2) Level 2 CD 12: 9/29/08 (OUR 1 YEAR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY!)
-NEGATIVE (test 1) Level 2 (test 2 ) Level 1 (test 3) Level 1 CD 13 9/30/08 (FF predicts this as my 1st fertile day)
-NEGATIVE (test 1) Level 1 (test 2) Level 2 (test 3) Level 1 (test 4) Level 1 CD 14 10/1/08 (FF predicts this as my 2nd fertile day)
-NEGATIVE (test 1) Level 1 (test 2) Level 1/barely there (test 3) Level 2 CD 15 10/2/08 (FF predicts this as my 3rd fertile day)
-NEGATIVE (test 1) Level 3 (test 2) Level 2 (test 3) Level 2/3 (test 4) Level 2/3 (test 5) Level 3 CD 16 10/3/08 (FF predicts this as my 1st possible O day)
-POSITIVE!!! (test 1) Level 5 (test 2) Level 6! (test 3) Level 4 (test 4) Level 4 (test 5) Level 3 (test 6) Level 5 (test 7) Level 6! CD 17 10/4/08 (FF predicts this as my 2nd possible O day)
-POSITIVE!!! (test 1) Level 6! CD 18 10/5/08 (FF predicts this as my 3rd possible O day)
NEGATIVE Level 2 CD 19 10/6/08
NEGATIVE Level 1 CD 20 10/7/08
OVULATION DAY CD 17 OR 18. FF CAN'T SEEM TO DECIDE! I THINK IT'S CD 17 FOR SURE! IT'S POSSIBLE IT COULD HAVE BEEN VERY LATE ON CD 17 OR VERY VERY EARLY ON CD 18. TOO HARD TO TELL ALMOST.
Hopefully I'll have CHs show up no later than CD 21 since I usually O on CD 16-18 and it takes three temps rising to get CHs! My LP on average or so is about 12 days.
EDIT: Feel free to steal my leveling method. I've had a couple of girls ask me about it, and I said I just made it up to tell (in case when I O) that if the test doesn't get quite as dark as the line, but almost there, I might still be able to say it was the 'most positive day.' I'm honestly expecting it to match at some point though. (It did during cycle 3, but I wasn't using internet cheapies. This is my first month using them and I got A LOT! lol)
I feel like a scientist with all of these tests and dipping things in pee. "DATS" (AKA Dipping A Test Strip) since it seems we do that more than POAS, has already gotten more well known. LOL I made it up on a whim, but it makes so much more sense! Anyway, yeah. I'm liking my leveling method. It doesn't keep me 2nd guessing, and it's easy to picture what all of the tests would look like next to each other in my head, so don't feel you have to ask!
I have an odd feeling that's telling me I will most likely O earlier this month. My prediction is CD 16 or 17. We'll see if I'm right, but I'm leading more toward CD 16. I don't care, as long as it's not like CD 20... I don't want to have to wait that long for CH's!
AngelLyndz on here came up with a good point. I usually have a temp drop on CD 12 or 13. It seems when it's CD 12 I O on CD 16, and when it's on CD 13 I O on CD 18, or at least those are the most common. Since my drop was CD 12, that's why I'm predicting CD 16 as O day! Going to have to wait and see!
Checking my CM internally has led to causing flare ups with my bladder, AKA pain. I want to continue doing it because I haven't done it until this cycle, but I'm pretty sure it's not worth it... It's just that my CM is being shy or something this month so I've had to check that way the past 2 days. I have a feeling that by the end of CD 13 my CM will turn creamy though.
*I did check it (TMI WARNING) with one finger and that didn't bother me NEARLY as bad and yes, it has turned milky/creamy for CD 14 for sure!
I've still been updating in the post above this one! I've literally made myself my own guinea pig. I'm also glad I came up with this leveling system. Even though I've kept all the tests I've taken so far, I still can make myself have the mental picture of the way it will go down in my head without actually taking a picture of them lined up. (Which I will probably do anyway. LOL)
And I'll tell you one thing, having the dye in my urine because of the Pyridium isn't helping me read them much... Some tests look white compared to the tests where the medicine was more concentrated in my urine. I believe I looked it up in the past, and am quite sure it shouldn't affect OPK's or PG tests. (I think I'm going to look again just to make sure...) However, it did not affect my testing results for cycle 3 when I used the OPKs.
I will edit this to upload a picture to show how and why my tests look the way they do because of my urine and the medicine I take. The Pyridium is for my bladder illness, Interstitial Cystitis. There are two tests where my urine was a lot less concentrated so you will see how I have to decipher my tests every time I take one...
OPKs CD 8-13 (normal to O between CD 16-18 ) Note: CD 13 test 1 was not dried out like the others yet so if it looks a little different that would be why.
with the flash on... this pic is not nearly as clear as the first one BECAUSE of the flash.
Now that the last test has dried, it's slightly darker than it is in the pics. CD 12 test 2 is slightly darker along the left side, and I've been told to read the darkest part of the test. CD 13 test 1's test line is now the same darkness as CD 12 test 2's line on the left. It's not as noticeable in the pics as it is looking at them here right in front of me.
It's funny because these faint OPKs look like the EVAP I had last cycle on one of the pg tests I posted about. Too bad these aren't pg tests. I swear, once I get a + I'm going to take like 7 tests just to make myself believe that it's for real! lol
I did check my CM internally (TMI WARNING) with one finger and that didn't bother me NEARLY as bad as trying to use two and yes, it has turned milky/creamy for CD 14 for sure! I'm starting to think it's possible that I may not O until late (like CD 18 ) and that my early prediction might be wrong, but who knows!
The last OPK I took (and the only one so far) for CD 15 has been the lightest one since CD 8... Now that it's already CD 15, I'm pretty sure my prediction about Oing on CD 16 will be wrong. However, my temps amaze me so anything is possible. Though, it looks like I'll probably O CD 18 since that's also very normal for me.
After looking at my chart, the one thing I noticed besides the dip/plummet I get on CD 12 or 13 is my breasts typically start getting a little sore and ballooned out 2 days before I O. They might be SLIGHTLY more sore than before Oing, but I'll see how they are later this evening. If there's a change, and I actually think they might be starting to get sore because I'm going to O soon, then I'll chart it.
I checked my cervical fluid internally again just using one finger. I'm not really sure how to tell the difference between semen and EWCM, but I'm pretty sure this was just from where we BD'd yesterday afternoon/early evening.
I read that semen will 'dissolve' in water (or something like that) and EWCM will ball up and sink. Next time I think I have EWCM I'm totally testing it out. lol Unfortunately, I read that AFTER I checked, and when I checked again it was more milk/watery, but I still wouldn't even chart it as watery yet, unless I'm up later tonight and it happens to be strictly watery. That'd be awesome... Especially since I don't have my Pre-Seed yet... It should be here by the middle of next week if I'm lucky. I seriously might freak out if it's not here by next Friday. And I want my Fertile-Focus. I'm ready to throw some saliva down on that thing! LOL!
I tried reaching my cervix too, and I may have done it this time. It was sort of like a hump, but I didn't want to press around too much looking for an opening, (It felt somewhat medium. I wouldn't say it was soft or hard.) which I could not find. It also felt kind of high, but since I've never done it before I have nothing to go off of. I'm a newbie at checking my cervix, and in all honesty, I hate doing it. It still seems to cause a flare up! I just wanted to, and I can't help myself lol
I don't understand why my OPKs from CD 15 are lighter than all the rest. I haven't O'd yet so that's not the case... They're even lighter than the one I took for CD 8! (or at least one of them is.) I'm going to test one more time for CD 15 tonight and see, but right now, I'm just hoping I'm going to O late. *crosses fingers in hopes that she O's!) We're going to BD again as well, but that will be later tonight.
Anyway, I've taken 3 for CD 15 so far because of my weird sleep schedule:
1) Incredibly faint, much like the others.
2) So faint it might as well not even be there!
3) Barely there, but darker than test 2. It seems to have gotten slightly darker as a bit more time passed. *Actually now that I look at it, it might be slightly darker than test 1... UPDATE: It is.
In fact, test 2 for CD 15 is SO light that it's really hard to see a line at all. I've never seen such a faint OPK, and I was hoping for a much steadier darkness in lines as I approached ovulation. Last time, when I got my positive for CD 18, there were faint lines up until CD 16. CD 16 almost passed with me for a positive. CD 17, the test line was not as dark as it was for 16, and finally on CD 18 it matched dead on and FF showed that as the day I O'd as well. I hope that's what's going on here, because my darkest tests so far have been the 2nd one I took for CD 12 and the first one I took for CD 13, but they're not even what I would call 'dark', and I KNOW I have yet to O. My bb's aren't quite sore yet, no O pain like I usually feel, no cravings, no ballooned up bb's, not nearly fertile enough CM... It doesn't add up. I hope I get a much darker line in the next few days!!!
So, has anyone had this happen in the past? Like for instance, had faint lines, then they got fainter, and THEN they got darker, and you O'd? I hope someone out there has had this happen so I can have something to relate to.
Come on ovaries! Work with me here! I need all the prayers and thoughts I can get to O!
I'll have to take a pic of the dry OPKs later tonight if I can remember. I have a pic of a few of them in my TTC journal, but that's only from CD 8 to my first test on CD 13 I think...
*The more and more I look, this last test seems to be one of the darker ones out of all of them, but it has still not had time to dry. At least I knew what it looked like under the 10 minute mark! lol! I will try and get a pic though sometime after our BDing session goes down! =P
YAY for an extremely positive OPK!
This 2nd one I took was even darker than the control! I found the best pic out of the ones I took and added it here. I checked my cervix as well. It is soft and open (still not sure about positioning yet. trying to learn that bit) But YAY! I had just posted about being confused with my dotted CH's I got. I ended up using the temp corrector, and it took them away to make it look WAY more normal for me.
I DATS right around midnight of CD 16. It was very close to positive, but not quite. So, I decided to wait a couple of hours and try again. That's when I just got my positive! I have to get to BDing!!
I swear I'll edit with a pic too!
I took this at around 2am.
EDIT: DH made me test again. This one was taken at about 3:22am. I think it's the darkest OPK I've ever seen! We're going to go BD now =P