I got another super positive test at 11:30pm CD 17. Now it's 1:30 in the morning. I'm going to test again for CD 18. We haven't BD'd since I got the new test, but it's in our plans. If we do we're using the pre-seed again. If... Okay, WHEN we go BD. lol It's mostly for 'just in case.' I don't think I'll need to use it again unless the surge is still there, but this means I'll definitely have some left over to use for next month! YAY! BUT HOPEFULLY THERE WON'T BE A NEXT CYCLE!
This whole BDing everyday or even twice a day is about to kill me. I think we'll go back to every other day next cycle, but hopefully there won't be a next cycle!! Right now, my chart looks beautiful. I just need my temp rise, and I'll be set!
Update on my OPK situation. I've taken a picture of all of my OPKs now. They are dry. I just took one for CD 19 that will not be included. It is still wet, and I can't decide whether to record it as a Level 3 or 4 because it's like right in the middle. Days marked with stars were either as dark as or darker than the control line. All 'Levels' were marked before the 10 minute mark, so if they look off, that's why.
Level 1 - Extremely faint line. Can barely see it.
Level 2 - It's definitely there but still very faint.
Level 3 - About half as dark as the control line.
Level 4 - Almost a positive.
Level 5 - As dark as the control line.
Level 6 - Darker than the control line.
Note: CD 17 + at 8:00 is also positive and should have been marked with a star, but I felt it more important to mark that I had used my FMU. Yes, we've already established my days and nights are basically backwards.
A closer look at the fertile window:
For the first time ever, I had spotting during my LP. It was at 4 DPO. (I am now 5.) I completely broke down. It's hard to look at this positively. I know that's early for implantation bleeding, but I've heard from other girls that's it's possible, and one even experienced it herself. Maybe I'll get an early BFP? Can a girl still dream? STILL?
Still no sign of spotting as of now, (THANK GOD!) but I'm still having nothing but PMS signs, and if that's really the case this is WAY too early for me to be PMSing! Hmm, maybe the cramping is a good thing? *sighs* My bb's are still really sore though. This is so confusing. I'm not used to having both symptoms at the same time. lol And I'm seriously ready for this crampy feeling to go away. The lower backache is killing me as well. I just hope everything is okay...
I'm going to go read more of the last book of The Twilight Saga, lay on the couch, and try to relax. I'm about a 3rd of the way into Breaking Dawn. I like it so far, but Edward has kind of made me mad... That's okay! I've been on Team Jacob since book 2!
When asked what I was, I wrote, 'Writer.' What else would I be?
Some of the girls on the TTC boards asked about my writing and I wanted to share it here in my journal because I wanted to keep this post and remember it.
I noticed this question a few times (about my writings) so I'll try and concentrate on it. Excuse me if I write A LOT.
I've been writing for about five years or so now. It started with doing writing exercises with other people back and forth. It was more for fun than anything else. I started studying forensic psychology, and since I do have a bladder illness and can't go back to school, I did not want to let my dream of becoming a criminal psychologist just slip away so I decided to continue studying it on my own time.
That led to many new and positive things in my life. I finally knew what I wanted to do with my life. Track down criminals and save people before the criminal can kill or hurt someone else again. I had an ACHING desire to do this, and still do to this day.
I want to get personal here because I have yet to do it on these boards and probably not even my TTC journal. Just a warning... you may want to skip this next paragraph for violence against a woman... I will keep it all in one paragraph even though it should probably be cut into several.
...I was raped at age 15 and 16 by a guy just a little older than me in my youth group. The first time it happened at his house. The second time it happened behind a funeral home. I was dragged into our church and raped in the youth group room there. I didn't tell anyone for many years, and after the 2nd time, I stopped going to church. My teenage years were full of partying after that. I became numb for quite some time and where I hadn't told anyone, I was dealing with it all on my own without therapy or anything. I was molested at 12 and never told anyone either. It was a one time incident and me and my friend (the girl was a year younger than me) had to run down the street and hide in a ditch to get away from the guy. I even remember his name. Anyway, I was raped again at age 22 (Feb 2, 2006), three weeks away from my twenty-third birthday. (Three weeks before my husband and I started talking, and exactly 1 month before we got together officially.) The guy took me up into a cemetery and sexually assaulted me there in the backseat of my car. My instincts from studying what I study kicked in. I remembered there was a possibility I could be armed. (I usually carried a knife in my purse so I had to take the chance.) When he asked me to turn down the heat in the car (we were in the back seat) I took the opportunity to get it slickly out of my purse. I then acted like nothing had happened, and where it was dark he had no idea I had grabbed a knife. He started to 'do his thing' again, I switched the hand I was holding the knife in to my right and immediately pressed it again his neck, and told him to, "Get the F*** off of me or I'll F***ing kill you." The words came calmly, but I have never felt such a surge of power in my entire life. I finally said again, "I wear to God, if you touch me again, I'll kill you." This was when he replied with, "I'm not afraid to die." Needless to say I got the element of surprise with him that I needed even though I did not expect that response from him. It worked. I was safe, alive, and he was not going to get his rocks off in me. I went straight to the police this time. I had to go through the whole process when it comes to the law. I had to even get a Rape Kit Test done. There were tears and everything, (in other words there was sufficient evidence) and what kills me the most is this man NEVER got indicted! I went through all of that emotional mess for absolutely no reason. It kills me to this day to know that he is still out there. I just don't ever want him to do anything like that to anyone EVER again. It only kicked my urge in to learn more and my passion...
Finally, (and now you can follow if you want again) I realized that with the pain I'm in (because of my bladder) there is no way I'm going back to school anytime soon if ever. That is VERY hard to accept. I got into therapy and on meds and that kind of stuff. I have suffered from mostly Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Anxiety ever since. I have other things I was diagnosed with, but I just don't want to discuss them, and they don't go along with this story.
If I couldn't help other people and stop criminals before they could act again, I decided to write about it. Maybe it was a way to get it off my chest? My first novel centers around a man, who is also a cop, that tracks down men who kill. It had some flowery prose, but I was not happy with it even after writing 17 chapters and over 30,000 words. After writing one scene called "Sacred Hearts" which will probably be the title of my new book, a brand new story formed in my head that centers around the cemetery scene I wrote (which was based off of my personal experience.) It's about a man in his young to mid 30's that carries on a normal life. He has a job, a family, everything someone could ask for, and he also has a troubled sister with a daughter. He cares about his niece very much. A serial rapists turns up around the area and is finally released in the news. My protagonist (this girl's uncle) sees the man he's been seeing on TV and decides to follow him. He decides to call it in, but the cops on duty are busy with another case and are understaffed. He parks outside of the cemetery and finds his way in. He witnesses the crime of rape and finally for the first time the serial rapist had passed his line and killed, Rabastan, my protagonist sees it, and decides to (against his will) become obsessed with this case. He follows the man one last time, witnesses the crime, and when the girl gets pulled out of the car for the killer to 'off her' the man noticed it, just a moment too late, that it was his niece in the car and not some random woman. Finally, this person obsessed with the case decides that the courts and law enforcement are not doing enough. He decides to take the law into his own hands.
There's the synopsis. I tried to make it short, but I'm not sure it worked. I don't want to give much more away! lol This has already started forming on paper, and I hope to soon be typing it out. I write mainstream fiction, horror, sometimes fantasy, short stories of various things, and poems. It's something I really enjoy doing, and I've grown as a writer more than you'll ever know over the past five years! It's very exciting! I may start writing in November unless I'm pg. That might be the only thing to set this back. It's easy to get writer's block when you are completely and utterly stressed out, so I'm just going to have to see how it goes. Wish me luck!
So, what's going on with my CH's?!
I decided to use a different chart method for this cycle. Fertility Awareness (FAM). I'll probably check after every temp the Advanced method (then change it back and forth because I'm curious to see if the Advanced method moves it back to where it was or not), but this one fits my chart best, and Lord knows I've done this long enough and have seen more than enough charts to last me a lifetime! lol
I'm positive I O'd CD 17, (got my LH surge at 3:22am that morning) and if it wasn't CD 17 then it was in the wee hours of the morning on CD 18. Also, I temped earlier for CD 18 than I usually do. That means my temp for CD 18 should be higher than what it is (about 97.24) , therefore confirming O. If I were to use the temp corrector and use the other temp for CD 18 it shows CH's at CD 17 which makes me think even more that I'm right about CD 17 being my O day. ALL signs point to late CD 17 or very very early CD 18 for me. Honestly, I'm to a point to where I don't care. I'm just glad I O'd!!! Whoo hoo! And regardless, our BD timing is dead on it! I just have to remember that we've done all we can do this cycle.
I can't believe I'm on CD 2 (almost 3) of cycle 10... I never would have imagined that we would have tried this long and still not get pg when we first started TTC back in Jan 08. I have a Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor now, so we'll be using it religiously. I won't start testing until CD 6 with the sticks. I'd bet money that I'm going to have to use 20 of the sticks this month instead of 10. There's no way it's catching my O surge by CD 16, and if it did I would be amazed. That means I get to waste about seven or eight test sticks, because it will make me use 20. Sucks! But the monitor is like a computer it remembers everything, so I may only need 10 for my next cycle! That would save on money, but I'll have to buy another box just in case!
It's awful, and I feel like a horrible person, but I have been unable to get happy or excited for the recent BFPs. It's too depressing. I honestly can't wait to get off of the TTC for 0-12 months board. I'm so ready to be with women who have been trying longer. I'll be much more excited for those girls when they finally get pg. MUCH MORE! I can't help that I don't get excited for the ones that already have children or get knocked up within 3 months of trying... It's just not the same because I can't compare it to any of my situations. It has not happened for me that easily... I'm obviously not a Fertile Myrtle... Now, I'm just depressed and trying to eat. It's not working that easily.
HALLOWEEN PARTY TIME!!!!
Our party was Oct 26. We had a blast. I hope these aren't huge...
DH and I
My coven: DH, mom, me Jeremy (my sister's bf), and my sister.
DH and I again. He looks creepy...
Halloween parties crack me up!
That's me, my aunt Debbie, and my uncle Doug.
I was talking to my little cousin Tessa. I had no idea mom took this pic.
My little cousin, Tessa, and I. I've always thought if we had a girl it would look a lot like her. She looks so much like me when I was her age. (almost 5) I love this photo of us!
We decided to get the blood out.
I should have bitten mom while I had the chance!
Believe it or not, we were dancing in this pic lol