TTC#1 "We Are Each Of Us Angels With Only One Wing..."

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TTC#1 "We Are Each Of Us Angels With Only One Wing..."

"...And Can Fly Only By Embracing Each Other."

I'm usually really weird about these online journal things, but I figured, eh, why not have a place to go to when I'm stressing over TTC.

I should introduce myself by saying that my name is Lindsay. I'm 24 and from Kentucky. I got married to the greatest man ever, Jeremy, on September 29, 2007. We just started trying this month (January.) AF came on the 25th, so I decided to start temp charting. We got a BBT thermometer the other day. I've been temping quite low for some reason... I'm going to continue to see what happens.

Why am I doing this?:
I want a baby to complete my family. I feel that I'm prepared to be a good mother, and I know that my husband will be such a wonderful father. I pray that God blesses us with a child everyday now. I'm doing the same for everyone else on the boards! I know we all want a BFP! *sends baby vibes*

Problems with conceiving?:
-I've had chronic cysts on the ovaries to where I've had to be on birth control to shrink them. Yeah, it makes it a little hard to get pregnant when you're on the pill! They can also be very painful especially around ovulation time.

-Now double that pain! I also have a bladder illness that is very painful and unfortunately incurable called Interstitial Cystitis (IC) along with something called Pelvic Floor Dysfunction. This makes getting pregnant hard because it can often times cause even more pain after intercourse. It's either that, or I'm in pain already and can't have sex with my DH. I've dealt with this for over two years now, and there doesn't seem to be a lot known about it. I'm currently on medication for it though. If anyone else has any of these problems please feel free to contact me. Especially about IC. (I've heard that heating pads are bad, so it worries me that I have to use one of those as well to help with bladder issues...)

-They think that at the beginning of last January 07 I had a miscarriage. If I was pregnant I wasn't very far along at all. Just weeks, and I didn't even know it. By the time they did a test the hormone would have been out of my body. I bled for two weeks. I'm still bothered by the fact that I don't know... It worries me that we can't have kids. It's a big worry of mine...

The good news?:
I've read up about IC and apparently women can conceive, go through labor, and it doesn't cause infertility. I know, and have read, that the 3rd trimester will be harder than it is for most, but it's worth it to at least bring one child into this world! If it's too hard on me, I won't have another, so right now I'm just looking for my one little miracle.

It's going to be a rough and tough road, but I'm prepared for it. I hope to meet a bunch of new friends along my journey of TTC and hopefully through my first pregnancy as well. I hope to remain positive about it all! That's all I can really do!

-

SOME UPDATED INFO AS OF 9/14/08

1) I'm much more open now about things and am not as shy about blogging as before.

2) I'm 25, and mine and DH's one year wedding anniversary is coming up on September 29th!

3) We tried for four months, slowed down for three, so I came back mid cycle 8.

4) I started temping again near the end of cycle 8 and will continue to do so if I don't get pg.

5) I still believe that God will give us a baby when the time is right no matter how hard we try.

6) DH and I's sex life is WAY better. If you read below you will see some problems we had and somehow thankfully they got fixed! So, yay for that!

7) I'm not sure about my problems with ovarian cysts, but I'm sure they are still somewhat of an issue...

8 ) I still have Interstitial Cystitis since it is incurable and Pelvic Floor Dysfunction along with it, and I don't see the illnesses going away any time soon =[ However, I've been ingesting Marshmallow root through pills and tea. I've heard it can do wonders to help heal the insides and sooth them like Aloe would.

9) Do I still live in chronic pain? Yes. Ever since December 24, 2005. It's hard to want to BD when you're in pain so conceiving for me will be easier said than done because what if I'm in loads of pain on a day I'm O'ing? I can't just jump in the bed and BD. That would kill me. Thankfully, I have a very loving and patient husband!!

10) Good news about getting pregnant and having Interstitial Cystitis is people like me with moderate to severe pain often times feel less pain during pregnancy and sometimes their symptoms will go into remission so that's awesome. (The third trimester will be really hard though.) This would be AMAZING since I fear pregnancy to be quite hard on me, and am nearly terrified of labor still because of my bladder.

11) I'll be considered high risk no matter what because there are meds I will continue to HAVE to be on.

12) There is a possibility that I had another m/c for my 3rd cycle TTC. Now that I have a paid account with FF you can check it out by clicking on the ticker in my signature.

13) If not pregnant by Christmas I plan to buy some Clear Blue Digital OPKs. If you look through my journal you will find pics with OPKs I used, but I think I would prefer seeing a smiley face to a line. Sometimes it's hard to tell if it's as dark or darker than the control line.

14) I've learned that TTC is such a rough road. I constantly wonder when it will be MY turn to be a mom... Though, I want to keep trying. I'm determined for us to bring a healthy baby into this world.

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My temp was 96.1 again... still very low. I'm going to try and remain patient and continue charting, but I have no patience. That's going to be a problem. I'm very fatigued. I've been sleeping AND taking naps. I just feel like I can't catch up on my sleep. It sucks feeling groggy all the time. I know some of the meds I'm on certainly help with that, but still... I don't want to be a zombie!

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I'm on day 8 (technically 9 now) of my cycle. I've heard from some to start trying on the 9th and do it every other day until the 17th. I've also hard to start trying on the 10th and do it every other day up until the 18th. Ugh, I need advice... Apparently my mother says that I shouldn't just get up after intercourse, and that I should lay there...

Excuse me, but I'm a shower person. I'm very OCD about germs and stuff, and with my bladder and the inflammation I deal with (pain) it can make it worse so I ALWAYS shower after sex. She's like, 'Noooooooooooooo don't do that!!! Lay there at least an hour! Put a pillow under your butt, and sleep rather than letting it all run out of you!' Thankfully, my mother and I have a good relationship, and I can deal with hearing her say things like that! hahah

What to do???

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Ugh, I forgot to temp when I woke up so I have to disregard it... BLAH! I'm day 9 of my cycle going into 10. (10 now since it's after midnight) That means it's time to start trying asap!!

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Starla!

One of my best friends (who is on this forum) had her baby earlier 2/5/08 at 6:15pm. She was 8lbs 13 ounces. 20 1/2 inches long, and beautiful! Welcome, Starla Sophia, to the world!

Everything seemed to go very well. I'm going to go see her and her DH again tomorrow at the Maternity Ward. Both are good friends of mine and my husband. They were our Maid of Honor and Best Man at our wedding on 9/29/07. Anyway, I got some pics and vids earlier just after her delivery. I can't wait to show them to them! I didn't get to hold her, but I'm sure hoping to tomorrow(/today consider it's 1am now.) YAY! Can't you tell I'm excited for them. I'm like 'the proud friend.'

-
And I should be near my ovulation point! My DH and I are trying every other day, the even days of my cycle from at least day 10-20. Wish us luck and send us baby dust along with your prayers! My husband deserves to be a father because I KNOW he'd be such a great one! I can't wait until we conceive our first!

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Copied from a post I made in the TTC forum:

This is probably incredibly selfish of me since my biological clock is ticking, but does anyone else have problems with their DH and him not getting erect on occasions? Sometimes, he has NO problem whatsoever, but he said that even since his first time he's had issues with it. This, obviously, has been very frustrating for me, and since I'm not a man, I don't understand their sexual organ very much...

I think it's psychological more than anything. His mother was raped by two men and chose to keep him. He didn't even find out until he was 17. Thank God for her not getting an abortion with him, because he wouldn't be the wonderful person he is today if she had.

Anyway, we've gotten into it over this many times. It's stressful and frustrating to want a baby, and sometimes your DH can't even get hard for you. He says it's not me, and that he wants a baby more than anything, and I believe him wholeheartedly. I'm just not sure what to do, or how to take it. I find myself crying or leaving the bedroom if and when it happens. I know that only has to make it worse on him, but I can't help but get upset by it. I was just wondering if I'm not alone in this. I could really use some support and advice...

Please don't hound me with, "Oh, my husband NEVER has that problem." That's seriously the LAST thing I need to hear... I KNOW there are men out there that don't. I'm not ignorant to the situation. I just don't want it rubbed in my face. It's been hard enough as it is...

UPDATE: 2/4/09:
We are on cycle 13 TTC #1 still, but DH, thank God, got over this issue within a matter of months. I'm VERY pleased (hehe) to say, that this has not been an issue for quite a long time, so if anyone reading this has the same problem with their DH in the beginning then I suggest talking to him about it then letting it go. Eventually, he'll get over the mental part!

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I'm starting to get used to this BBT stuff. fertilityfriend.com finally showed what day I ovulated on in my cycle. I was right! Day 16! My cycle usually goes two days over so I typically go 30 days instead of 28. The good news is we had sex in the early morning hours of the 15th! Dare we say a possible pregnancy? If not, there's always next month! *dances around with baby dust*

Oh, and BIG BROTHER STARTS TONIGHT!

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Now fertilityfriend.com is saying that my ovulation day was on the 18th. If that's so then there's even more of a chance that I could be pregnant because we had AM sex the day before and the day of ovulation! I'm not trying to get my hopes up, but if I get a BFP then it'll be days after my bday! I'll be 25 on the 21st. What a great birthday present that would be!!!!!!!!!!!!! Biggrin

The people over at the favorite tv show forums are pissing me off... I can't help that they didn't make a spoiler thread until AFTER i wrote a spoiler in the Big Brother forum... WTF... like seriously. Every little thing is irritating me. I've been like a mad woman, and it's sad that they've upset me because BB is my all time favorite reality show. I subscribe to the feeds and everything... I'm just bummed out I guess.

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So, probably some not so good news. I've been temping this whole cycle (i'm on day 30 which is when I usually start) and my temp has dropped over the past two days, and is now below my horizontal red line on fertilityfriend.com... Unless it goes back up tomorrow, then I'm expecting a period, if not by the end of the night even... It's sad. I'm glad I haven't taken a test though. I'd much rather see blood than a BFN... So, I'm just in waiting as I sit here and cramp. Sad

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I started my period as I expected... It was more sad this month than last because last month we were just trying around the time of when we THOUGHT I was ovulating. I was off, so there was no chance last month anyway, so I consider that this now is the official start of my 2nd cycle. Only makes sense I guess. This will be my second month of charting as well, so it's getting easier and easier to understand.

I'm a little depressed, but it's okay. I realize that it would have been a miracle for me to get pregnant the first month of truly trying, but I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for next month!

And now... to deal with AF. IT JUST STARTED, AND I'M READY FOR IT TO GO AWAY! Grrrr.... At least that horrible pressure 'pain' has gone away. You know, that pressure feeling you get JUST before you start? Like the day of or day before? Ugh... I was totally ready for it to start. Now I just want it over with. I'm ready to start cycle two! Whoo! lol

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Clomid.

I hear about it all the time, and I've decided that if asked, I'm not going to be put on it. My mother said it never helped her, and once she got off of it she got pregnant. I'm beginning to really believe that since the miracle of life is a MIRACLE, then I will not go on the medication, and leave this in God's hands.

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Today, a best friend of mine, told me she's pregnant. :confused: She has about a 9 month old right now. She knew we had been trying, and told me that her and her DH were going to wait a few months before trying again. She told me she didn't know how to tell me, and I can understand why because she didn't know how I'd take it. Honestly, I think I took the news rather well. I'm upset, jealous, envious, etc... but how can I not be? Yes, I got upset... and I had to explain to her that some of my future actions might be uncalled for so I apologized ahead of time. (sort of) It's not immaturity. It's just... The stress. I can't take the stress of it all, but at least I tried to explain.

We had a perfectly fine conversation so everything is fine between us. I told her not to take anything personally, and that it's not like I'm not happy for her. Anyway, things are good between us, and that's all that really matters. I'm just a little depressed...

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So, here goes round #2! I'm on day 10 of my cycle and still temping, so we'll see what happens! I should be O'ing soon! Last time I supposedly O'd on my 18th day, but fertilityfriend.com couldn't make up it's mind. It kept going between my 16th and 18th day, finally sticking with the latter.

I picked up my Bible the other day for the first time in a while. I've always said I'd do my baby's room in Precious Moments whether it's a boy or girl, and my Bible is a Precious Moments Bible. Anyway, yeah. I've been reading a little bit of it each night or sometime before going to bed. All I can do is have faith and hope and pray that I have a healthy and happy pregnancy (and baby!)

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Good news and bad news.

The bad news is... my friend lost her baby. She was about five weeks along. Sad And even though I *****ed about it... I never wanted her to loose it, and I told her that I wanted her to have a healthy baby. In fact, I even reassured her of that. I really wanted nothing but the best for her. I know all things happen for a reason, so there must be one, but it's still very sad. It's also a big eye opener.

The good news is round #2 is definitely here! I'm now on day 15 of my cycle, I've still been temping. Not ovulated yet, but it should happen any day now. Last month fertilityfriend.com couldn't decide between my 16th and 18th day, so we'll see! I'm just going to keep trying. That's all I can do.

*Please pray for my friend and her husband!

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Things have been a little rough between my DH and I since the 12th. I ovulated that day (once again, day 18 of my cycle, and it also once again jumped from the original date; day 16 of my cycle to day 18 JUST LIKE LAST MONTH.) I'm still charting my BBT. I'm now on cycle day 26. My regular cycle seems to be 30 days.

I knew, because of cervical fluid, that on the night of the 17th day of my cycle that I was very fertile. I told my DH so we went to try to make a baby for around 4 HOURS. He couldn't get an erection. I've mentioned this in my journal and in the 'TTC My First' forums. I have definitely decided that next month, I'm not telling him when I'm ovulating. I'm taking the advice from some of the girls that I've talked to on here about it.

It turns out though that he had a UTI which was probably the biggest problem. There's still a chance because we BD'd at around 4am on the 17th day of my cycle, and my cervical fluid was egg whitey. I guess I'll have to wait and see, but I just know deep down that if he could have performed then there would be a much larger chance of me getting pregnant. We'll have to wait and see, but you know what? Waiting sucks. I don't have much patience, so I'm praying that God gives me the strength to get through all of this!

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I should be starting my period any day now. Trying is harder than I thought it would be. It's so easy to say, "I want to make a baby," but when something goes wrong, nothing can be done about it, and I don't have a Time Turner so I can't go back in time to change anything.

I thought March would be my month for some reason. Now, I'm just PMSing and slightly depressed and completely anxious at the same time. Bummer. I really hate this 2WW. I'm just ready for AF to get here already... Sometimes the stress of it really gets to me, then I start thinking about all the women on here who have been trying twice as long as me, or for a year, or two, or 10. To those women... my hat is off to you. I pray for patience every day now because I want to make a baby with my husband so badly. I just tear up, then want to go smoke a cigarette.

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AF came tonight... I got a little emotional, but I mostly wanted to write in my journal to post with stats that I've charted with over the last two months.

January 25, 2008
Cycle Length: 30
Ovulation Day: 18
Luteal Phase: 12

February 24, 2008
Cycle Length: 28
Ovulation Day: 16
Luteal Phase: 12

Cycle History
(2 cycles) Ave. Min. Max.
Ovulation: 17 16 18
Luteal Phase: 12 12 12
Cycle length: 29 28 30

Time for round three!

P.S. I hate cramps. I hate bleeding. I hate pain. I hate it all... Okay, so you can definitely tell I'm ragging now. LOL!

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My husband bought me some OPK's! First Response. I don't really know which is most accurate. Clear Blue Easy was a dollar more, so I was like okay, whatever. Then they had a brand I think he said was called Answer. So, these three look like they are going to be the ones that are easiest to find for me. If someone has a specific preference please say and leave me a comment in the thread to do so!

fertilityfriend.com offered a free 5 day pass as a VIP so I took it. I'm most fertile between cycle days 16-18 (which I had already figured out) so I'm wondering when to start the OPK's. On my 14th day? 15th day? If I do it on the 14th day then that will last through my 20th day. That seems to be the most sensible thing. Anyway, this will be my first month using them. It'll be interesting to see what happens!

EDIT 2/5/09:
I suggest buying from babywishes.org. Their tests are by FAR the best and most sensitive! Trust me, I've tried multiple kinds!

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I just left this over in the TTC 0-12 months forum.

I'm so confused on when I should really start using the OPK's. This will be my first month using them. I'm most fertile between days 16-18 (that's what it appears to be so far from charting my BBT.)

Brand: First Response

It says to use the first day of bleeding/spotting (duh) and count forward however many days the chart on the paper shows (yay for directions! haha sorry, but I already know how to pee on a stick though...)

So, I have a 28-30 day cycle. That means a person with a 28 day cycle would count forward 11 days, a 29 day cycle would count forward 12 days, and a 30 day cycle would count forward 13 days.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I've only had two months worth of charting to deal with, because I'm on cycle three now. Three charts would have made it hella easier I bet, but I have to go by what I know so far. I'm most fertile between days 16-18, and I need to remember that the OPK will show positive even before I actually ovulate so basically, I have no idea on which day to start.

If I start on day 11 that only gets me to my 17th day. = too early??
If I start on day 12 that only gets me to my 18th day. = ???
If I start on day 13 that gets me through the 19th. = too long??

Question is... Which day should I start peeing on the stick to find out when I'm ovulating?! haha

I will not stress about OPK's
I will not stress about OPK's
I will not stress about OPK's
I will not stress about OPK's...

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This site that someone showed me has helped a little. http://www.peeonastick.com/opks.html

Next month I might try Clearblue Easy "Easy Read" Digital brand. http://www.clearblueeasy.com/DigitalOvulationTestKit.cfm

First Response has been recommended and is one of the better ones, but the Clearblue Digital seems to be really good. I hope my local Walmart carries them. LOL

The reason I'm worried about the dye and stuff, is because I have dye in my urine where I have Interstitial Cystitis. It's sort of like over the counter Azo for UTI's, but stronger and prescription strength. I wonder if that will have an effect. ??? I hope not... That's why I'm thinking a digital would be better...

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Is it a bad thing that I want my DH to STOP SMOKING, and have told him that he pretty much has to? He told me that he wants to quit anyway because he hates the habit of it, and says the feeling of being addicted to something sucks.

Smoking

Both cigarettes and marijuana are toxic to the testicles and cause poor sperm quality. It takes about three months for the levels of nicotine-related chemicals to start diminishing in the blood after a smoker quits. One recent study found that active marijuana use adversely affects fertilization by causing sperm to “poop out” before they get close to the egg. Abstaining from marijuana for three months allows healthy sperm to regenerate.

*source: http://www.conceiveonline.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=111&Itemid=126

Does anyone have a link about women and infertility/infertility signs/what causes infertility??

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I started using my OPK's on the night of CD 12. Both 12 and 13 were negative. I'm just going to pee on a stick 5 more times. Whoo! Sounds fun haha! Nah, actually I pee in a cup then dip it...

-

Know Your Cycle:

Did you know that if you and your partner have normal fertility, there is roughly a 1 in 4 chance of getting pregnant each menstrual cycle? On average, it takes women 3 to 6 months to conceive. Understanding your personal menstrual cycle, the hormones that affect fertility, [and OKP's,] will give you a better understanding of the process of conceiving.

*source: http://www.clearblueeasy.com/GettingPregnant.cfm

I'm not using Clearblue Easy though because I can't find the digital kind, and I've heard bad things about their strip ones. That's why I'm using First Response now. So far so good, just negatives, which I expected anyway because it's still a little early for me. I could get a surge as late as the 17th or 18th maybe. At least I have five more days left. I think I planned it out pretty well, and I'm much less stressed about it. Oh, and the dye in my urine, so far, doesn't seem to be affecting things. I just hope I surge at SOME point. I've heard a lot of women say they never got positives with them... Including my own mother, who then got pregnant with my sister after she stopped using them along with Clomid. Once she stopped, BAM, there's my little sis. Biggrin My sibling miracle!

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CD 14 also turned out as a negative so I should be surging anywhere in the next 4 days. I hope I don't get all negatives... I've heard that some women do. My mom did when she used them with my sister. It never worked for her, but things are much more up to date now. My sister is 13. She said when she got off the Chlomid, stopped doing OPK's, and stopped planning, then it made things easier... Umm but my mom only had to try 3 months with me. It was 9 years worth of trying for my sister...

Oh! I've also lost 8 pounds so that's awesome! Pardon

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It's 2:15am, CD 17.

My BBT chart has been all over the place this month. First it said I O'd on CD 11... then CD 13... and THEN...

I took my OPK hours ago, because I do mine at night, and I'm pretty sure this one is positive! YAY! We BD'd at about 4am on CD 16. Now I have to get ready and do it again! XD Sometimes, making a baby can be HELL and feel like work or something, but other times it's a lot of fun!

So no ovulation detected yet, but I'll take my temp later and test again once I get some sleep. Off to take a shower! I'm sure I'll update about the results of my next OPK!

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My BBT chart is all over the place this month (cycle 3.) I got a negative for CD 17. It's definitely not dark like it was yesterday. I only got one postive, and my BBT chart shows no ovulation... I hope my temp rises soon... I'm so confused! =[

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I took pics of my OPK's since I'm finished with them for this (cycle #3.)

[EDIT: If you look carefully I should have, and ended up marking, CD 16 as NEGATIVE. My positive was CD 18 which was also the day FF showed I O'd.]

I don't know how I got a positive on CD 16, not one on CD 17, but got another on CD 18! I got my first positive on CD 18! My temp dropped today, so I'm expecting CD 19 for my temp to go way up. I hope so anyways, or I'll really start worrying and get even more confused!

We've BD'd in the AM on CD 16-19. I guess we're just going to keep going at it!

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My temperature did rise on CD 19. I just have to temp a couple more days before the line appears on my chart to show that I ovulated. I'm trying to wait patiently. If this month is my month then YAY, and if not then we'll try try again!

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I'm doing my best not to stress, but my appetite has went down. My stomach is all yucky feeling, like I don't want to eat. Nothing sounds appetizing. It sucks. I go through periodic spurts of times like this where I want to eat and just can't. I'm sure it's anxiety, but I really do want to remain as calm as possible during this time. (IT'S HARD!)

This month looks good, and I'm hoping for a BFP without getting my hopes up to the point where I'll be crushed if AF comes. I think I'll be all right if it does. Maybe slightly depressed, but I'll get over it by the time my period ends and be ready for round #4! Wouldn't I have a January baby if I got pregnant this month? I'd love to have a New Years baby, but we'll see!

I'm going to TRY and shove some found down my throat. I've got to eat!

OH! AND MY TEMP WENT EVEN HIGHER FOR CD 20! That means I've definitely ovulated, and my BBT chart looks AWESOME. Now it's time for the cross line to appear on my chart, and it's time for that 2WW... Wish me luck, and pray for my husband and I! We really want to bring a baby into this world and show it nothing but love!

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Me, my friends, my girls on here... all said I probably O'd on CD 18 and we were ALL right! My chart looks absolutely beautiful right now! Biggrin

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I've had a pretty crappy night (as I type this with tears running down my cheeks.) All I can do is pray to God for strength and patience, and it's NOT just about the TTC thing. I feel overwhelmed, and I'm not even sure that's the right word to describe how I feel. I'm so sick of things not going my way. I'm sick of it being ONE THING AFTER ANOTHER. I'm so over it.

For example: Yesterday, I'm getting out of bed to go pee (also mad at my upstairs neighbors at the same time for being so loud and not letting me sleep) and what do I do? I take two steps, my right ankle buckles out from underneath me, and now I'm on crutches for 3 days to a week. I actually hurt my left foot too, but it's better than the other ankle. The left one just bruised more.

I'm in pain because of my bladder.

I'm still not eating like I should be, and all that will cause is weight loss which in a way can be good, but it's a horrible way to lose it by not eating, and it's not even my fault!

My husband needs to find a new/better job. They're screwing him over on hours! We're not going to make enough money...

My husband forgot to get my meds before he left work.

Our TV is dying on us. I feel like I'm in a 60's acid trip...

It seems endless. I just want things to look GOOD for once. Just once! I'm not asking for much! I JUST NEED A BREAK, BUT NOT A LITERAL ONE! I swear, I think I could sit here and pull all my hair out strand by strand! And all I want is to be STRESS FREE. This is not the time for me to be stressing at ALL. I'm TTC! There are seriously some things in my life that I just can't handle right now, so to anyone who is reading this, please keep me in your prayers.

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Things are better so that's good news.

I've been a little crampy today and yesterday. I hope that's not a bad thing. (It could be bladder pain. Sometimes it's hard to tell.) My temp dropped some for both days, but not below the CH horizontal line, so I guess that's a good thing. I hope it goes back up though!!! :confused:

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UGH! This can really get frustrating sometimes. I think my hormones are on edge. That doesn't mean I'm pregnant, but I'm definitely hormonal! I'm crying over any and everything, can't seem to keep myself from feeling hungry, and can't stop drinking milk and water though I'd KILL for some Mt. Dew right now! haha!

My vent is... Why is it that everyone I hear about around me is just 'oops pregnant?' Is it just me that thinks that? Surely, others are not blind to it either, but why us, the ones who try our @sses off, have to KEEP trying, while my next door neighbor who is 18 is 'oops pregnant' and scared sh*tless. Her boyfriend is only 17 and headed off to boot camp. What is this world coming to? I'm pretty sure it's not jealousy in this case. In some instances, yes, but at least I admit to it. This is totally different. I'm sick of the 'oops I'm pregnant' people. SRTLHJSRTHJ! It's disturbing in sooooo many ways.

GOOD NEWS! MY UNCLE IS FINALLY GETTING HIS BABY BOY! His fiance is pregnant and they found out the sex of the baby not long ago. He already has a 4 year old little girl who is adorable, but he's ALWAYS wanted a boy. It's such a blessing. He's naming him after himself and his older brother who passed away a couple of years ago. It's so perfect and sweet! *wipes away a tear*

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My husband is amazing. He truly is. He gets little things sometimes for me that are such small things, but mean sooooo much. And it's funny because he leaves me these things on the toilet seat lid (LOL) because he knows eventually I'm going to go to the bathroom, or he'll leave things under the bed covers because he knows I'll see it just before climbing in the bed when I pull the blankets back.

He got me a card this time that reads:

Since I met you,
All I can think about
Is making you happy.
I want to see your smile
And hear your laughter.
I want to kiss away
Old hurts and hold you until
You know without a doubt
That this is for real.
I want to memorize
The sound of your voice
And the dreams of your heart...

More than anything else,
I want to make you happier
Than you've ever been before
And give you all the things
That you truly deserve.

I love you!
Your Hubby,
Jeremy

Yeah... it made me cry, but it was a good cry!!!

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Yay for pictures! I will add more later. I especially want to add some from our honeymoon!

Here's one of me in the bathroom haha

Trying out the mentos in coke/pepsi thing with Samantha! LOL It actually works!

Halloween 07

My friend Brittani and I

Aw, I like this one.

haha

Jeremy and I when we first got together.

Getting ready for our wedding.

I'm going to go picture crazy now!

The after party.

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I decided to change the over the counter meds I'm taking for conception use. I was taking the meds that were compared to Women's 1 A Day. Tonight I'm going to start taking the pills that are called Complete One Source Prenatal. It looks like it might be compared to Stuart Prenatal? Either way, it's the exact same thing, just cheaper, and you get more pills. Works for me. At least I'll be getting the Folic Acid I need!

I feel crampy. Blah. BUT, my husband is cooking my favorite food. Salmon! Yay! God bless him!!!! (now the house will smell like fish for days... time to open some windows! LOL)

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I took a pregnancy test. Probably the cheapest out there. (CD 30) Some kind from Dollar General called Baby Test? There was the faintest line EVER, but I rechecked the directions, and nowhere on there did it say you could count it as positive with a faint line. So... it was technically negative.

I'm going to give myself another day or two, and retest if AF hasn't came yet (b/c my temp is still up), or the symptoms are still heavily there. First, either I've got to get me a better pg test OR AF has to get here. One of the two will happen sooner or later. I hope it's not the latter... I'm still crampy though, and my back aches, and I'm still urinating more frequently, I want loads of water.... Blah.

I do have an appt. with my family physician at 8:10am in the morning. I'm not sure they'll test me, but I'm not even sure he knows I'm even TRYING to have a baby. Probably something he should know, yeah?

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I took a Clearblue Digital pg test. It came back negative. I've still got another test, so I'll give myself another three days or so before I take the other one. My friends swear I'm pregnant, but I don't know. I'll find out soon... I hope! I just want something to happen, one way or the other.

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I took yet another pg test earlier/yesterday. First Response Early Result. Got a negative. Still no AF. Since it's after midnight, I'm now 15 DPO... I haven't used my FMU, but I plan on it when taking the next test. My RL friends kept begging me, but this time I'm going to WAIT. So, two negatives in a row. I'll wait a couple days then POAS as soon as I wake up.

I didn't update about this because I forgot. My doctor put me on blood pressure medication because mine has been higher than it should be for about two years now. He thinks it will help with my anxiety too because when I went in I was practically having a panic/anxiety attack. Anyway, he's worried a little about my heart over working itself, and he said the one good thing I have going for me is that I'm still young. He said there's probably three things causing it. Pain, Anxiety, and Genetics.

You wouldn't believe the amount of meds I'm on because of my bladder and now all this other stuff. It's insane. As soon as I get a BFP (whenever that may be) I'm going to have to go in immediately to find out when I can still take and what I can't take.

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Posted to TTC for 0-12 Months:

I continued spotting through the night, had some little cramps and back aching and noticed the blood turning more red. So I thought, "At least I know it's my period and everything is okay." I got some sleep and woke up. Now I'm having contraction type feelings every once in a while and they'll hit in like 5 minute waves at sporadic times, and then go away for a bit then come back incredibly extreme.

I hope I'm not miscarrying... My doctors thinks I miscarried the beginning of January 07, but it was too late to see the hormone in my body. All they could do was go off the signs and speculate that it was a miscarriage. (I was on birth control at the time.) I'm worried because the feeling is similar. It's extreme, and I really need to be checking my bleeding. Any news, and I'll let you girls know! Please keep me in your thoughts and say a little prayer for me.

I just wish I had a cheapo pregnancy test so I could see if the hormone is even there, but I don't. I'm not even sure it would pick it up. If things get worse I'm going to the hospital.

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Ugh, I'm getting frustrated with the littlest things. For instance, MY AVATAR WILL NOT STAY UP! OMG It's driving me insane! I post with it and minutes later I check and it's gone... wtf... I had this problem before and somehow FINALLY it stayed. Last night I thought I'd change it, but now I wish it hadn't. GRRR on pointless stress!!!!!!!!!!

Update 2/5/09:
I actually wasn't going crazy! LOL There actually was an icon issue going on. It was something to do with the site. LOL

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I haven't updated until now because I seriously needed a hardcore break. My DH and I decided to not try this month, so all I did was temp and watch my cervical fluid. I marked the closest time we BD'd (CD 14 AM) on FF to my O day which was CD 17. YAY! At least I O'd! I was worried about this month after what happened. Anyway, so yeah, we had sex on CD 14 in the AM, so it's not looking good, but we weren't really trying either, so it's okay.

It's been nice to not have the stress of seeing other women getting their BFP's. I'm happy for them all, but it's so hard to see when you're trying so hard and feel like you're getting nowhere, ya know? However, I always pray for everyone on this site! I really do! Random acts of kindness go along way. Biggrin I love all of the girls I've met and talked with, and even though most have graduated to the pregnancy boards, they are still near and dear to my heart!

I suppose it'll be time for round 5 in a week and a half!

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OMG MY BOOBS ARE KILLING ME! Not that I think I'm pregnant because the closest time I BD'd to O'ing (which was CD 17 by what FF says) was early morning of CD 14. It's very doubtful (I had egg white type cervical fluid throughout that entire time though), and we've not even been trying this month. After what happened, we wanted to wait another month, make sure I O'd, and wanted to wait to make sure everything appeared normal. So far, that is the case, and that's a very positive thing!

It looks like cycle 5 will be a go, but my friends keep telling me, 'Oh, watch you be pregnant now that you stopped trying and don't have the stress of it all." Like OPK's, timing when to BD, waiting for O day to appear on FF, etc. All I did was temp and check my cervical fluid. And what do I get? A YI... All because of a couple of antibiotics.

P.S. I'm still mad that my avatar isn't showing up. WTF...

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It's time to put a hold on things. DH and I are moving out of our place and into another so we can get our lives in check. He'll be able to get a better job, and by next spring/summer things should be a lot better. That means... no more TTC until then.

This decision actually was based on maturity and what's best for us in both the present and future. It will pay off in the end, and we'll be able to give our child a much better life when the time comes! I still believe that God will bless me with a child when it's meant to happen, and he will not give me anything I cannot handle. Therefore, one day I'll be a mommy whether it comes from my womb or even another country. God has already blessed me by saying that either is perfectly fine, and I have accepted that. Pardon

I will keep this journal close to heart. I have gotten excited, posted pics, vented, ranted, and went off in here. It only shows just how hard all this is, but I will not let go of any of it. I hope that when a year has passed I will come across this and continue this journey. Until then, I may poke around, but I know what's best for me and my DH.

contact me if you want! yahoo: i_dream_my_life_away

*We stopped trying near the beginning of my 5th cycle which means I tried very hard for 4. When I come back (unless I get an 'oops' which is TOTALLY OKAY with me!!! I'D BE ON A DIFFERENT BOARD THEN!!!) then I will start with cycle 5 I suppose. ...Eh, I'll burn that bridge when I get there. Biggrin

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Wow...

It seems like such a long time since I've written in here. My husband and I did give up trying for several months now, but we are slowly, and mean VERY SLOWLY working our way back into trying again for our first! I'm so excited. This is really the first month I have monitored. I kept my account at fertilityfriend.com and continued to sign on every once in a while to update, (mostly to record menstruation) but for this month I have been getting on it daily.

I don't use my BBT anymore. (At least for now anyway.) I found it stressful, and I'm not to that point where I'm ready to go that far into it. However, watching the signs and remembering what to go off of PLUS having my charts has been a fantastic help, and I'm really glad I kept up with it for the most part! I mostly go off of how I feel, my cervical fluid, and different pains, and things that always seem to happen to me during and/or post ovulation (breast swelling, breaking out into sweats, etc.)

I first started charting in January, so this is my 8th cycle now... I think... Maybe 9? No... not quite. And if I'm lucky maybe it won't have to go to 9. Either way, I'm ready to start this again. I just want to move SLOW and not get my hopes up on anything. I just want to stay relaxed and have fun and continue loving and having fun with my husband. Pardon

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It's a little strange (even though I expected it) to come back to the boards and see loads of new people. To the ones that I knew BEFORE, wow, you're amazing girls, and I idolize that you keep trying this month after month. You're a strong group of women, that's for sure! And then there are the newbies who are fun to watch because they pick at every little sign and symptom, and I totally remember doing that.

It's CD 26. I expect AF to be here CD 28-30. If I haven't started by CD 31 I'll probably test, but not before then! No POAS pusher here!!!! BFNs physically hurt me...! Definitely not worth it.

Anyway, I'm using my BBT again so I'm charting my temps now! I started doing that a few days ago so I could have the end of cycle 8 charted.

I have decided to not start using OPKs until after Christmas. They can be a little stressful, and I don't want to deal with it. I want to use Clear Blue digital. The ones with the smiley. It's easier than determining if a line is as dark or is darker than the control line. If I get antsy I'll buy some cheapies online, but I'd rather wait a couple more months first.

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I decided to post with some photos on the TTC boards to share with the girls.

Near the bottom of the page: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboards/showthread.php?t=358726&page=23

The top of the page: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboards/showthread.php?t=358726&page=24

There's some family photos, some with friends, some from the wedding, and some from the honeymoon. Biggrin

Where I decided to go ahead and start temping at the end of this cycle, I was able to find out that, yes, I did O at some point because my first two temps were above 97 for me. The last two days they have dropped so I expect AF in the next few days. Blah! At least for cycle 9 I will have temped the whole way through like I used to and like I'm used to. It's so much better knowing than not knowing when you O!!

It will be mine and DH's 1 year wedding anniversary September 29th! YAY!

We plan on getting a tattoo soon that has to do with each other's names. Yes, we are ready to and want to take that big step in tattooing where you get your spouse's name on you. He wants my name in a skeleton key that lines up with his heart. Cute! He's the one that suggested it, and I was like, "I'm in!" We may not get them on the 29th, but it's definitely in our plans for the near future, and it's best to get it done now before I get pregnant because during pregnancy you can't get tats! =[ I also would like to get a forearm sleeve done, but that may have to wait a bit longer. XD

Also, next cycle we are going to go back to trying the whole 'let's BD every other day' deal. I want to start at CD 10 and go till CD 20. That's 6 times a month for sure. Surely we can both be happy with that then have our fun whenever we like without it being planned. Blum 3

I hope to find some truly awesome cycle sisters. Since being back I have met some really great girls. Everyone is so nice around here. It's hard not to get your hopes up when you have so many people hoping that this is your month! I wish nothing but the best to all of the girls here who are currently TTC!!!!

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CD 30 is here. It's also now the 14th, the day FF has decided to tell me I'm most likely to get a visit from AF. However the window for it was for CD 29-31, so I might test CD 32 if AF hasn't shown up by then. I think I have a pg test laying around here somewhere, but if I have to go buy one I will.

I'm crampy, but that's about it. No other signs really. Maybe some irritability? I used a heating pad for a very short time earlier. I've heard using them too much can cause infertility. Is that true? Hmm... maybe I should have a look around to find out or ask one of these great girls on here.

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My husband made an account here at pregnancy.org. *Jaw drops* I LOVE that a man is totally getting involved in all of this, and I have such a wonderful husband that he cares about us as a couple and all of the other families TTC! Yes, I lucked out, and we pray for you all!

His ID on here is HopefulHusband. And trust me, there isn't anything TMI you could say to run him off. LOL! I think he's already heard it all. haha! Blum 3

I wish more DH's would get involved. I think it's amazing that he wants to know more and learn more. He's such a great person. If you see him around, make sure to say hello!

-

On another note, still no AF, and now that it's after midnight I'm officially on CD 31. This is the last day FF predicted for AF to start and usually I always start on or before CD 30. That means I will probably test CD 32 if no AF by then. *fingers crossed!!* I just don't want to get my hopes up.

The symptoms of AF keep coming and going then they'll come and then completely disappear. It's so strange. I hate this waiting game, but I'm too stubborn to take a test because I'm afraid of getting a BFN... My last two temps have dropped so it's very possible that the witch will show her ugly head at some point before CD 32 gets here. I hope not though! I hope to see a temp rise!!!!

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I tested afternoon (yes that is my FMU because I have a bladder illness. it has messed up my days and nights because of the chronic pain i live in from interstitial cystitis.) CD 32 and got a BFN. icon_cry.gif Now it's morning of CD 33. I'm a little crampy and that's about it. Pg symptoms/AF symptoms keep coming and going. I didn't have hardly any symptoms at all of anything yesterday other than really sore bb's and well... that's about it.

If my tests aren't in from babywishes I'll probably buy a couple for cheap at Dollar General. I figure it's not over until AF shows! *crosses fingers!!!!*

I decided to start looking at some numbers/graphs.

Out of 7 cycles:
Cycle Length:
CD 27 - 1
CD 28 - 3
CD 30 - 2
CD 33 - 1 (possible chemical pregnancy)
[Normal for me to go 28-30 CDs]

Looking at the above by Cycles:
Cycle 1 - 30
Cycle 2 - 28
Cycle 3 - 33 (possible chemical pregnancy)
Cycle 4 - 28
Cycle 5 - 28
Cycle 6 - 27
Cycle 7 - 30
Cycle 8 - 33 and counting

-

Out of 4 Cycles (i won't have 5 full charts until i am done with my 9th!)
Ovulation Day:
Cycle 1 - 18
Cycle 2 - 16
Cycle 3 - 18
Cycle 4 - 17
[Most fertile CD 16-18]

-

Out of 8 cycles:
Menses:
Cycles 1 through 7 - 6 (bled for 4, spotted for 2)
Cycle 8 - 7 (bled for 2 spotted, for 3, off for 1, spotted for 1
[Most normal to bleed for 4, spot for 2]

-

Out of 4 Cycles:
Luteal Phase:
Cycle 1 - 12
Cycle 2 - 12
Cycle 3 - 15 (possible chemical pregnancy)
Cycle 4 - 11
[It's safe to say 12 days worth of LP days is probably what's most normal for me]

-

DH will be getting up for work soon. I'm exhausted but have more meds to take because of my bladder. I have to eat with them so I'm going to figure out a way to be half asleep and make it. I might even read if I can keep my eyes open long enough. SO TIRED! I feel more crampy. That just hit about an hour or so ago. I noticed it after my shower. I can feel it in my back too. I think it's PMS... AF is probably going to show sometime after I wake up and before CD 34. I HOPE NOT! *crosses fingers even tighter* By the way, with this piece of crap period that I got for this cycle I cannot believe that I'm not bleeding like a gutted pig already. TMI but seriously... if AF shows this period will be HORRIBLE! Probably heavy and very painful... Blah!

EDIT: I made my chicken noodle soup! Letting it cool. I can't stand for long periods of time because of the bladder illness I have. I'm never on my feet long, and at most I stand for less than 20 minutes. Well, 10 minutes nearly killed me. I still can't decipher if it's cramps or my bladder, but I looked at DH and was like, "Okay, so maybe I AM going to start my period..." He just looked at me a little weird after JUST waking up lol and I just shrugged and walked away. LOL! I have no idea what my body is trying to tell me. This sucks! I just can't tell! I HATE IT!!!!!!! I could vent forever about these stupid little tricks that I don't find the least bit funny!

EDIT again lol: OMG I feel even more crampy now. Almost like something is trying to claw at my uterus. OUCH. IF AF is trying to come she SERIOUSLY needs to get here like NOW so I can order my OPKs (haha) and get on with cycle 9!!! Grrrrr... I'm so impatient! I'm also already in enough pain as it is. WHY?! WHY??!?!!!........... ...stupid body!

EDIT (ok one more!): Still a little crampy, but not as bad. Still no AF. Just confused and want my body to let me know what's up! I seriously need to try and get some sleep, but with my bladder hurting I think it's going to be damn near impossible...

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Holy crap I got my first ever EVAP line!! LOL This is the closest time I got close to a BFP with it really being a BFN!... and it's a perfect example as to why you shouldn't look at the test after the 10 minute mark or whatever time it tells you to discard it.

These first 3 were with my cell phone, and I think the second picture shows it the best. It's SO FAINT, but it's definitely there. I showed my DH. It made him anxious. He stayed up hours later than he should have and will now only have four hours of sleep before work... I explained to him what it was, but he didn't seem satisfied since it still seemed to have color to it. Most EVAPs the color or tint that it is doesn't match and on mine it definitely does, but I told him it still didn't appear until well after the 10 minutes mark.

It's CD 34. I plan to test again sometime later today when I've actually had some sleep.

This second pic shows it best out of the first 3. Its VERY faint, but you can see it.

-
5 from my digi cam. You can barely maybe see it in pics 1 and 2.

I tried a different lighting. LOL! I don't think it worked much.

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I bought some Pre-Seed and something to test out Ferning. I will now have three things this month to determine when I'm fertile and if and when I O. Wish me luck! Hope and pray that I O, and that I catch that eggy! I WANT IMPLANTATION! LOL! *dances around with baby dust*

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