There are times when I'm on the TTC boards and I'm so happy for the other girls when they get their BFPs!
There are also other times when I'm so insanely jealous and go, "OMG they already have one, tried for ONE month, and already conceived #2!"
I ask myself, "Why can't I?" or "What's wrong with me?"
I break down in tears.
What did I do?
Will it EVER happen?
Will I get to know what it's like to be called 'Mommy' one day, or will my hopes and wishes fall to the ground and break into thousands of pieces like the glass from a mirror would do if you dropped it?
Will I get to complain about my screaming child?
Will I get to complain about getting little to no sleep?
If I get pregnant will everything go okay?
It's not going to cause more pain is it?
Please God, no miscarriages.
I'm not sure I could handle that.
I still ask, "What is wrong with me?!" as I sit here in tears, wondering why I can't conceive a child.
A child for him.
A child for me.
A child for us.
I cannot relate to anyone in my real life about TTC.
Everyone I know has a child or is pregnant, and never once had to TRY.
All 'Oops," or "Wow, that was unexpected and/or fast."
I wish I knew why.
I hope our little miracle comes along soon.
We would be such good parents, and him, I know he would be the best father.
I just want to give him that opportunity.
He deserves it so much more than I do, but without me, it cannot happen.
I pray that we conceive a healthy baby.
I don't care what sex it is. (Though I still think I might prefer a boy.)
Then I think that and immediately say, "No, I want a girl!"
But then I wonder if I will pass my bladder illness on down to her.
Being a girl she would be higher risk.
Could I live with that?
Giving birth to a healthy baby that stays that way till the age of 22 and then falls in the complete other direction.
Just like I did??
Please tell me no.
That won't happen.
I won't be given anything I can't handle.
I keep holding on to the hope of that.
I think more than anything I pray for... happiness.
Complete and utter and unconditional happiness.
Can we please have our bundle of joy now?
Or will it be another month?
I don't care, as long as the answer is not 'Never.'
I suppose my former post was written when I truly needed a good cry. I can read it now and cry. I read it to my two best friends (Yes two! I'm very fortunate to have two best friends in my life. They are both wonderful girls who have beautiful daughters of their own!) and cried. I couldn't help it, but it was something I really needed to get out, and sometimes a good cry, and writing can do the trick!
Another Lindsay (Lyndsey) contacted me about Supernatural Childbirth. I've already read some of it, and it has kept my hopes high! She knows who she is and my husband and I thank her for contacting me, and I hope she stays in contact with me!
I've been feeling better. The book I've been waiting to come in the mail finally got here. Taking Charge of Your Fertility! It's the 10th anniversary revised edition. It came yesterday. I've looked through it and found the cervix to be not the most pleasant looking thing on/in a female body, LOL and I want to read it soooo bad, but can't. I will though! I just promised myself and friends that I would finish The Twilight Saga first! I'm at the end of book 3. Very excited to see what's to come and to read the 4th and final book. Now, off to finish Eclipse!
...I still like Jacob Black!
P.S. Menses has finally passed! Onto O'ing! I'm keeping my fingers crossed and my hopes high to God on this one! Please PLEASE let me O, and let everything turn out to be a normal cycle even if I don't get my BFP!
P.S.S. early-pregnancy-tests got my order wrong! They sent me some other girl's order, but after contacting them through email this is what they let me know...
Thank you for the note and I am sorry for the delay in reply, it has taken us a bit of time to track down the source of the error. First off, I would like to offer our sincerest apologies for the mix up, we rarely make any packing/shipping errors. I have processed a reshipment for your appropriate order today, and it will be shipped out first thing tomorrow morning. We will communicate with the other customer independently. As for the other products you've received we would be much obliged if you could return them to us and we will credit your account for the postage incurred. Simple first class mail though USPS would be great to the address below:
Early Pregnancy Tests.com
1050 Larrabee Ave Ste. 104
Bellingham, WA 98225-7367
Please let me know of any questions/comments/concerns and again, please accept our apology for the mistake!
I plan to ship the stuff back to them that they sent me as soon as I receive my Pre-Seed and Fertile-Focus scope for ferning. I was so angry, but at least they are sending the right stuff! It was just a pain to go through it. I'm not sure I'll order from there again.
Speaking your mind totally pays off in the end. That is the lesson here.
Jeremy (DH) woke me up to temp, so I did, and said I wanted to go back to sleep, but I HAD to go pee. So I went to the bathroom, and there was a card on the precious toilet seat. (lol he always knows i'll see it there since i pee so often from my bladder illness!) The next thing I heard was him leave out the front door, but I slowly opened the envelope anyway.
I read everything it said, then read the stuff he'd written himself on the left. To make a long story short he mentioned how we never had our first dance, and that I should meet him outside after reading the card. I thought... "Hmm, okay." So, I grabbed my pants and walked outside. He had my car moved and the entire driveway had been turned into a heart with tea light candles! He also had a CD player and a CD with Otis Redding singing I've Been Loving You Too Long (To Stop Now.) He asked if I'd dance with him, and or course I did! Then the song When A Man Loves A Woman by Percy Sledge came on. We danced through three songs or so! I had tears in my eyes! It was so sweet, and he went way out of his way to do what he did for me. Chris (the best man at our wedding) had picked him up earlier, and he ran around and did a bunch of stuff.
LOL He just messaged Chris on yahoo and Chris was glad he was able to even pull it off! ME TOO! We're going over there tomorrow night instead of tonight. We're both just too tired, but at least he went ahead and bought alcohol while they were out! Whoo!
I had been so upset that nothing was going to happen on our anniversary that I had went off on him the other day at work, and then felt completely guilty because our anniversary isn't until the 29th. Do I think I made him do this? Absolutely not. Did he do it on his own after I snapped his brain awake a little? Definitely! It shows how much communication means to a relationship! I'm so glad I'm such a blunt, opinionated, extroverted person. Jeremy (DH) is such the opposite, but wow he earned good points with me on this one! Amazing! Something I will never ever forget!!
P.S. He got me flowers too. Red, long-stem roses, just like I carried down the isle!!
I decided to start taking OPKs purposely early this month just to see the change up until I O and even after. Once I get cross hairs on FF I'll probably stop because then I'll know, and I should be getting negatives by then.
I'll probably update this post in a new reply, or continue to update this specific post. Though, it will most likely be the first option because it will be easier to find. I want to write out some stuff and make a LH surge scale with the OPKs. Yeah, it pretty much just gives me something to do.
Level 1 - Extremely faint line. Can barely see it.
Level 2 - It's definitely there but still very faint.
Level 3 - About half as dark as the control line.
Level 4 - Almost a positive.
Level 5 - As dark as the control line.
Level 6 - Darker than the control line.
-NEGATIVE Level 1 CD 8: 9/25/08
-NEGATIVE Level 2 CD 9: 9/26/08
-NEGATIVE Level 1 CD 10: 9/27/08
-NEGATIVE Level 1 CD 11: 9/28/08
-NEGATIVE (test 1) Level 1 (test 2) Level 2 CD 12: 9/29/08 (OUR 1 YEAR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY!)
-NEGATIVE (test 1) Level 2 (test 2 ) Level 1 (test 3) Level 1 CD 13 9/30/08 (FF predicts this as my 1st fertile day)
-NEGATIVE (test 1) Level 1 (test 2) Level 2 (test 3) Level 1 (test 4) Level 1 CD 14 10/1/08 (FF predicts this as my 2nd fertile day)
-NEGATIVE (test 1) Level 1 (test 2) Level 1/barely there (test 3) Level 2 CD 15 10/2/08 (FF predicts this as my 3rd fertile day)
-NEGATIVE (test 1) Level 3 (test 2) Level 2 (test 3) Level 2/3 (test 4) Level 2/3 (test 5) Level 3 CD 16 10/3/08 (FF predicts this as my 1st possible O day)
-POSITIVE!!! (test 1) Level 5 (test 2) Level 6! (test 3) Level 4 (test 4) Level 4 (test 5) Level 3 (test 6) Level 5 (test 7) Level 6! CD 17 10/4/08 (FF predicts this as my 2nd possible O day)
-POSITIVE!!! (test 1) Level 6! CD 18 10/5/08 (FF predicts this as my 3rd possible O day)
NEGATIVE Level 2 CD 19 10/6/08
NEGATIVE Level 1 CD 20 10/7/08
OVULATION DAY CD 17 OR 18. FF CAN'T SEEM TO DECIDE! I THINK IT'S CD 17 FOR SURE! IT'S POSSIBLE IT COULD HAVE BEEN VERY LATE ON CD 17 OR VERY VERY EARLY ON CD 18. TOO HARD TO TELL ALMOST.
Hopefully I'll have CHs show up no later than CD 21 since I usually O on CD 16-18 and it takes three temps rising to get CHs! My LP on average or so is about 12 days.
EDIT: Feel free to steal my leveling method. I've had a couple of girls ask me about it, and I said I just made it up to tell (in case when I O) that if the test doesn't get quite as dark as the line, but almost there, I might still be able to say it was the 'most positive day.' I'm honestly expecting it to match at some point though. (It did during cycle 3, but I wasn't using internet cheapies. This is my first month using them and I got A LOT! lol)
I feel like a scientist with all of these tests and dipping things in pee. "DATS" (AKA Dipping A Test Strip) since it seems we do that more than POAS, has already gotten more well known. LOL I made it up on a whim, but it makes so much more sense! Anyway, yeah. I'm liking my leveling method. It doesn't keep me 2nd guessing, and it's easy to picture what all of the tests would look like next to each other in my head, so don't feel you have to ask!
I have an odd feeling that's telling me I will most likely O earlier this month. My prediction is CD 16 or 17. We'll see if I'm right, but I'm leading more toward CD 16. I don't care, as long as it's not like CD 20... I don't want to have to wait that long for CH's!
AngelLyndz on here came up with a good point. I usually have a temp drop on CD 12 or 13. It seems when it's CD 12 I O on CD 16, and when it's on CD 13 I O on CD 18, or at least those are the most common. Since my drop was CD 12, that's why I'm predicting CD 16 as O day! Going to have to wait and see!
Checking my CM internally has led to causing flare ups with my bladder, AKA pain. I want to continue doing it because I haven't done it until this cycle, but I'm pretty sure it's not worth it... It's just that my CM is being shy or something this month so I've had to check that way the past 2 days. I have a feeling that by the end of CD 13 my CM will turn creamy though. *I did check it (TMI WARNING) with one finger and that didn't bother me NEARLY as bad and yes, it has turned milky/creamy for CD 14 for sure!
I've still been updating in the post above this one! I've literally made myself my own guinea pig. I'm also glad I came up with this leveling system. Even though I've kept all the tests I've taken so far, I still can make myself have the mental picture of the way it will go down in my head without actually taking a picture of them lined up. (Which I will probably do anyway. LOL)
And I'll tell you one thing, having the dye in my urine because of the Pyridium isn't helping me read them much... Some tests look white compared to the tests where the medicine was more concentrated in my urine. I believe I looked it up in the past, and am quite sure it shouldn't affect OPK's or PG tests. (I think I'm going to look again just to make sure...) However, it did not affect my testing results for cycle 3 when I used the OPKs.
I will edit this to upload a picture to show how and why my tests look the way they do because of my urine and the medicine I take. The Pyridium is for my bladder illness, Interstitial Cystitis. There are two tests where my urine was a lot less concentrated so you will see how I have to decipher my tests every time I take one...
OPKs CD 8-13 (normal to O between CD 16-18 ) Note: CD 13 test 1 was not dried out like the others yet so if it looks a little different that would be why.
with the flash on... this pic is not nearly as clear as the first one BECAUSE of the flash.
Now that the last test has dried, it's slightly darker than it is in the pics. CD 12 test 2 is slightly darker along the left side, and I've been told to read the darkest part of the test. CD 13 test 1's test line is now the same darkness as CD 12 test 2's line on the left. It's not as noticeable in the pics as it is looking at them here right in front of me.
It's funny because these faint OPKs look like the EVAP I had last cycle on one of the pg tests I posted about. Too bad these aren't pg tests. I swear, once I get a + I'm going to take like 7 tests just to make myself believe that it's for real! lol
I did check my CM internally (TMI WARNING) with one finger and that didn't bother me NEARLY as bad as trying to use two and yes, it has turned milky/creamy for CD 14 for sure! I'm starting to think it's possible that I may not O until late (like CD 18 ) and that my early prediction might be wrong, but who knows!
The last OPK I took (and the only one so far) for CD 15 has been the lightest one since CD 8... Now that it's already CD 15, I'm pretty sure my prediction about Oing on CD 16 will be wrong. However, my temps amaze me so anything is possible. Though, it looks like I'll probably O CD 18 since that's also very normal for me.
After looking at my chart, the one thing I noticed besides the dip/plummet I get on CD 12 or 13 is my breasts typically start getting a little sore and ballooned out 2 days before I O. They might be SLIGHTLY more sore than before Oing, but I'll see how they are later this evening. If there's a change, and I actually think they might be starting to get sore because I'm going to O soon, then I'll chart it.
I checked my cervical fluid internally again just using one finger. I'm not really sure how to tell the difference between semen and EWCM, but I'm pretty sure this was just from where we BD'd yesterday afternoon/early evening.
I read that semen will 'dissolve' in water (or something like that) and EWCM will ball up and sink. Next time I think I have EWCM I'm totally testing it out. lol Unfortunately, I read that AFTER I checked, and when I checked again it was more milk/watery, but I still wouldn't even chart it as watery yet, unless I'm up later tonight and it happens to be strictly watery. That'd be awesome... Especially since I don't have my Pre-Seed yet... It should be here by the middle of next week if I'm lucky. I seriously might freak out if it's not here by next Friday. And I want my Fertile-Focus. I'm ready to throw some saliva down on that thing! LOL!
I tried reaching my cervix too, and I may have done it this time. It was sort of like a hump, but I didn't want to press around too much looking for an opening, (It felt somewhat medium. I wouldn't say it was soft or hard.) which I could not find. It also felt kind of high, but since I've never done it before I have nothing to go off of. I'm a newbie at checking my cervix, and in all honesty, I hate doing it. It still seems to cause a flare up! I just wanted to, and I can't help myself lol
I don't understand why my OPKs from CD 15 are lighter than all the rest. I haven't O'd yet so that's not the case... They're even lighter than the one I took for CD 8! (or at least one of them is.) I'm going to test one more time for CD 15 tonight and see, but right now, I'm just hoping I'm going to O late. *crosses fingers in hopes that she O's!) We're going to BD again as well, but that will be later tonight.
Anyway, I've taken 3 for CD 15 so far because of my weird sleep schedule:
1) Incredibly faint, much like the others.
2) So faint it might as well not even be there!
3) Barely there, but darker than test 2. It seems to have gotten slightly darker as a bit more time passed. *Actually now that I look at it, it might be slightly darker than test 1... UPDATE: It is.
In fact, test 2 for CD 15 is SO light that it's really hard to see a line at all. I've never seen such a faint OPK, and I was hoping for a much steadier darkness in lines as I approached ovulation. Last time, when I got my positive for CD 18, there were faint lines up until CD 16. CD 16 almost passed with me for a positive. CD 17, the test line was not as dark as it was for 16, and finally on CD 18 it matched dead on and FF showed that as the day I O'd as well. I hope that's what's going on here, because my darkest tests so far have been the 2nd one I took for CD 12 and the first one I took for CD 13, but they're not even what I would call 'dark', and I KNOW I have yet to O. My bb's aren't quite sore yet, no O pain like I usually feel, no cravings, no ballooned up bb's, not nearly fertile enough CM... It doesn't add up. I hope I get a much darker line in the next few days!!!
So, has anyone had this happen in the past? Like for instance, had faint lines, then they got fainter, and THEN they got darker, and you O'd? I hope someone out there has had this happen so I can have something to relate to.
Come on ovaries! Work with me here! I need all the prayers and thoughts I can get to O!
I'll have to take a pic of the dry OPKs later tonight if I can remember. I have a pic of a few of them in my TTC journal, but that's only from CD 8 to my first test on CD 13 I think...
*The more and more I look, this last test seems to be one of the darker ones out of all of them, but it has still not had time to dry. At least I knew what it looked like under the 10 minute mark! lol! I will try and get a pic though sometime after our BDing session goes down!
YAY for an extremely positive OPK!
This 2nd one I took was even darker than the control! I found the best pic out of the ones I took and added it here. I checked my cervix as well. It is soft and open (still not sure about positioning yet. trying to learn that bit) But YAY! I had just posted about being confused with my dotted CH's I got. I ended up using the temp corrector, and it took them away to make it look WAY more normal for me.
I DATS right around midnight of CD 16. It was very close to positive, but not quite. So, I decided to wait a couple of hours and try again. That's when I just got my positive! I have to get to BDing!!
I swear I'll edit with a pic too!
I took this at around 2am.
EDIT: DH made me test again. This one was taken at about 3:22am. I think it's the darkest OPK I've ever seen! We're going to go BD now
I got another super positive test at 11:30pm CD 17. Now it's 1:30 in the morning. I'm going to test again for CD 18. We haven't BD'd since I got the new test, but it's in our plans. If we do we're using the pre-seed again. If... Okay, WHEN we go BD. lol It's mostly for 'just in case.' I don't think I'll need to use it again unless the surge is still there, but this means I'll definitely have some left over to use for next month! YAY! BUT HOPEFULLY THERE WON'T BE A NEXT CYCLE!
This whole BDing everyday or even twice a day is about to kill me. I think we'll go back to every other day next cycle, but hopefully there won't be a next cycle!! Right now, my chart looks beautiful. I just need my temp rise, and I'll be set!
Update on my OPK situation. I've taken a picture of all of my OPKs now. They are dry. I just took one for CD 19 that will not be included. It is still wet, and I can't decide whether to record it as a Level 3 or 4 because it's like right in the middle. Days marked with stars were either as dark as or darker than the control line. All 'Levels' were marked before the 10 minute mark, so if they look off, that's why.
Note: CD 17 + at 8:00 is also positive and should have been marked with a star, but I felt it more important to mark that I had used my FMU. Yes, we've already established my days and nights are basically backwards.
A closer look at the fertile window:
LOL I think this is the cutest thing I have ever seen...
For the first time ever, I had spotting during my LP. It was at 4 DPO. (I am now 5.) I completely broke down. It's hard to look at this positively. I know that's early for implantation bleeding, but I've heard from other girls that's it's possible, and one even experienced it herself. Maybe I'll get an early BFP? Can a girl still dream? STILL?
Still no sign of spotting as of now, (THANK GOD!) but I'm still having nothing but PMS signs, and if that's really the case this is WAY too early for me to be PMSing! Hmm, maybe the cramping is a good thing? *sighs* My bb's are still really sore though. This is so confusing. I'm not used to having both symptoms at the same time. lol And I'm seriously ready for this crampy feeling to go away. The lower backache is killing me as well. I just hope everything is okay... :eek:
I'm going to go read more of the last book of The Twilight Saga, lay on the couch, and try to relax. I'm about a 3rd of the way into Breaking Dawn. I like it so far, but Edward has kind of made me mad... That's okay! I've been on Team Jacob since book 2!
When asked what I was, I wrote, 'Writer.' What else would I be?
Some of the girls on the TTC boards asked about my writing and I wanted to share it here in my journal because I wanted to keep this post and remember it.
I noticed this question a few times (about my writings) so I'll try and concentrate on it. Excuse me if I write A LOT.
I've been writing for about five years or so now. It started with doing writing exercises with other people back and forth. It was more for fun than anything else. I started studying forensic psychology, and since I do have a bladder illness and can't go back to school, I did not want to let my dream of becoming a criminal psychologist just slip away so I decided to continue studying it on my own time.
That led to many new and positive things in my life. I finally knew what I wanted to do with my life. Track down criminals and save people before the criminal can kill or hurt someone else again. I had an ACHING desire to do this, and still do to this day.
I want to get personal here because I have yet to do it on these boards and probably not even my TTC journal. Just a warning... you may want to skip this next paragraph for violence against a woman... I will keep it all in one paragraph even though it should probably be cut into several.
...I was raped at age 15 and 16 by a guy just a little older than me in my youth group. The first time it happened at his house. The second time it happened behind a funeral home. I was dragged into our church and raped in the youth group room there. I didn't tell anyone for many years, and after the 2nd time, I stopped going to church. My teenage years were full of partying after that. I became numb for quite some time and where I hadn't told anyone, I was dealing with it all on my own without therapy or anything. I was molested at 12 and never told anyone either. It was a one time incident and me and my friend (the girl was a year younger than me) had to run down the street and hide in a ditch to get away from the guy. I even remember his name. Anyway, I was raped again at age 22 (Feb 2, 2006), three weeks away from my twenty-third birthday. (Three weeks before my husband and I started talking, and exactly 1 month before we got together officially.) The guy took me up into a cemetery and sexually assaulted me there in the backseat of my car. My instincts from studying what I study kicked in. I remembered there was a possibility I could be armed. (I usually carried a knife in my purse so I had to take the chance.) When he asked me to turn down the heat in the car (we were in the back seat) I took the opportunity to get it slickly out of my purse. I then acted like nothing had happened, and where it was dark he had no idea I had grabbed a knife. He started to 'do his thing' again, I switched the hand I was holding the knife in to my right and immediately pressed it again his neck, and told him to, "Get the F*** off of me or I'll F***ing kill you." The words came calmly, but I have never felt such a surge of power in my entire life. I finally said again, "I wear to God, if you touch me again, I'll kill you." This was when he replied with, "I'm not afraid to die." Needless to say I got the element of surprise with him that I needed even though I did not expect that response from him. It worked. I was safe, alive, and he was not going to get his rocks off in me. I went straight to the police this time. I had to go through the whole process when it comes to the law. I had to even get a Rape Kit Test done. There were tears and everything, (in other words there was sufficient evidence) and what kills me the most is this man NEVER got indicted! I went through all of that emotional mess for absolutely no reason. It kills me to this day to know that he is still out there. I just don't ever want him to do anything like that to anyone EVER again. It only kicked my urge in to learn more and my passion...
Finally, (and now you can follow if you want again) I realized that with the pain I'm in (because of my bladder) there is no way I'm going back to school anytime soon if ever. That is VERY hard to accept. I got into therapy and on meds and that kind of stuff. I have suffered from mostly Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Anxiety ever since. I have other things I was diagnosed with, but I just don't want to discuss them, and they don't go along with this story.
If I couldn't help other people and stop criminals before they could act again, I decided to write about it. Maybe it was a way to get it off my chest? My first novel centers around a man, who is also a cop, that tracks down men who kill. It had some flowery prose, but I was not happy with it even after writing 17 chapters and over 30,000 words. After writing one scene called "Sacred Hearts" which will probably be the title of my new book, a brand new story formed in my head that centers around the cemetery scene I wrote (which was based off of my personal experience.) It's about a man in his young to mid 30's that carries on a normal life. He has a job, a family, everything someone could ask for, and he also has a troubled sister with a daughter. He cares about his niece very much. A serial rapists turns up around the area and is finally released in the news. My protagonist (this girl's uncle) sees the man he's been seeing on TV and decides to follow him. He decides to call it in, but the cops on duty are busy with another case and are understaffed. He parks outside of the cemetery and finds his way in. He witnesses the crime of rape and finally for the first time the serial rapist had passed his line and killed, Rabastan, my protagonist sees it, and decides to (against his will) become obsessed with this case. He follows the man one last time, witnesses the crime, and when the girl gets pulled out of the car for the killer to 'off her' the man noticed it, just a moment too late, that it was his niece in the car and not some random woman. Finally, this person obsessed with the case decides that the courts and law enforcement are not doing enough. He decides to take the law into his own hands.
There's the synopsis. I tried to make it short, but I'm not sure it worked. I don't want to give much more away! lol This has already started forming on paper, and I hope to soon be typing it out. I write mainstream fiction, horror, sometimes fantasy, short stories of various things, and poems. It's something I really enjoy doing, and I've grown as a writer more than you'll ever know over the past five years! It's very exciting! I may start writing in November unless I'm pg. That might be the only thing to set this back. It's easy to get writer's block when you are completely and utterly stressed out, so I'm just going to have to see how it goes. Wish me luck!
Refer here for cycle 9 OPK status!
So, what's going on with my CH's?!
I decided to use a different chart method for this cycle. Fertility Awareness (FAM). I'll probably check after every temp the Advanced method (then change it back and forth because I'm curious to see if the Advanced method moves it back to where it was or not), but this one fits my chart best, and Lord knows I've done this long enough and have seen more than enough charts to last me a lifetime! lol
I'm positive I O'd CD 17, (got my LH surge at 3:22am that morning) and if it wasn't CD 17 then it was in the wee hours of the morning on CD 18. Also, I temped earlier for CD 18 than I usually do. That means my temp for CD 18 should be higher than what it is (about 97.24) , therefore confirming O. If I were to use the temp corrector and use the other temp for CD 18 it shows CH's at CD 17 which makes me think even more that I'm right about CD 17 being my O day. ALL signs point to late CD 17 or very very early CD 18 for me. Honestly, I'm to a point to where I don't care. I'm just glad I O'd!!! Whoo hoo! And regardless, our BD timing is dead on it! I just have to remember that we've done all we can do this cycle.
I can't believe I'm on CD 2 (almost 3) of cycle 10... I never would have imagined that we would have tried this long and still not get pg when we first started TTC back in Jan 08. I have a Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor now, so we'll be using it religiously. I won't start testing until CD 6 with the sticks. I'd bet money that I'm going to have to use 20 of the sticks this month instead of 10. There's no way it's catching my O surge by CD 16, and if it did I would be amazed. That means I get to waste about seven or eight test sticks, because it will make me use 20. Sucks! But the monitor is like a computer it remembers everything, so I may only need 10 for my next cycle! That would save on money, but I'll have to buy another box just in case!
It's awful, and I feel like a horrible person, but I have been unable to get happy or excited for the recent BFPs. It's too depressing. I honestly can't wait to get off of the TTC for 0-12 months board. I'm so ready to be with women who have been trying longer. I'll be much more excited for those girls when they finally get pg. MUCH MORE! I can't help that I don't get excited for the ones that already have children or get knocked up within 3 months of trying... It's just not the same because I can't compare it to any of my situations. It has not happened for me that easily... I'm obviously not a Fertile Myrtle... Now, I'm just depressed and trying to eat. It's not working that easily.
HALLOWEEN PARTY TIME!!!!
Our party was Oct 26. We had a blast. I hope these aren't huge...
DH and I
My coven: DH, mom, me Jeremy (my sister's bf), and my sister.
DH and I again. He looks creepy...
Halloween parties crack me up!
That's me, my aunt Debbie, and my uncle Doug.
I was talking to my little cousin Tessa. I had no idea mom took this pic.
My little cousin, Tessa, and I. I've always thought if we had a girl it would look a lot like her. She looks so much like me when I was her age. (almost 5) I love this photo of us!
We decided to get the blood out.
I should have bitten mom while I had the chance!
Believe it or not, we were dancing in this pic lol
My baby name list!
With my weird waking times, 7:30pm-8pm, I'm confused about my O day. It was definitely either CD 15 or 16. I tend to O the day I get my first or only positive OPK. It also lines up LOADS better with my other charts from the past when it's set at CD 15.
The Advanced Method is telling me CD 16
And the FAM Method is showing CD 15
It did this EXACT same thing to me last cycle. It put me a day ahead of what I thought I was so I used the FAM Method to correct it. At the end of my cycle I
changed it back to Advanced, and it agreed with the FAM Method. I think I'll stick to my instinct like last time and say CD 15 for my O day. This is my earliest O day. I usually go CD 16-18.
My points on the Monitor on FF right now are up to 63! That's awesome.
I'm on CD 2 of cycle 11. I can't believe we are on cycle 11. I had a few good cries about it yesterday... I feel better today though.
This is my forth day of being sick. I called my BFF who is about to graduate from nursing school. She said I should go in tomorrow if I haven't gotten any better than I am today. That sucks. I was hoping it would just blow over. I hate going to the doctor. I can't afford prescriptions I need, and antibiotics can give me YIs. I do NOT want one of those. I'd rather wait a bit. If it gets worse, I'll go. I think it's an upper respiratory infection. I'm coughing up stuff and it in my head too. Yuck.
I took an FSH strip. I know it says to do it CD 3-5, but I was told that I ought to go from 2-5 so I did. Very negative. Not even a line which would be normal for CD 2. One down, three more to go.
I'm waiting on my new thermometer, thermometer covers, and DH's sperm count test. He said he knows he needs an S/A but we cant afford it (we don't even know how much they run without insurance) and he said knowing if it's over 20mil would make him feel a lot better, and if it's not, we would know where to start. I respect that, so I ordered it for him. Anything to make us feel better about all of this, right?
I completely reset my monitor. No more vampire Lindsay. I'll be sleeping probably from midnight - 8am from now on instead of like 5pm-3am... Much better, and just in time for the holidays. I hope it sticks. I can't change my waking time on my monitor, and I need to get up early anyway because of the holidays.
We decided to continue TTC through the holidays because my O days are near the first of the month. It shouldn't interrupt it too much then.
Cycle 12, about to O. Fun. Hope it works this time...
I skipped in my TCOYF book to the trying to get pg bit. I'll go back to the rest later. I read the most important bits, but I don't want to read about women who don't O because I do. So I skipped it for now.
I have pics from the holidays that I need to add to photobucket so I can show them on here. (Especially my baby cousin, Brycen.) He was born 8/8/08! I have a couple of him and his 5 year old sister that are just adorable!!!
I'm about to get my 4th pencil!!!!
Oh, and I think I'm starting Clomid 50mg next cycle if the meds get here in time! I've talked to quite a few women with cysts who take it no problem and that was my only concern.
I was going to watch the movie The Day the Earth Stood still. I hope it's good. I've had it loaded up for hours and still haven't watched it!!!
P.S. I hate WTO...
Jeremy and I are ready for a baby already!!! Is it really that much to ask for?! It's so hard to remain optimistic...
Only 4 to go.
My bladder illness has been better this month than it has in MANY months!!! Yay for that... event though I'm in moderate pain right now...
It's my thread and I can spam myself all I want to. I wish we would have gotten our Christmas BFP that we wanted soooo badly!
I hope she doesn't mind me sharing, but this meant a lot.
"I stayed up all night reading your ttc journal... so it's your fault I'm tired right now *wink*! I'm not a member of that site but I do occassionally read the preg journals there. I wanted to tell you something... from what I've read of your symptoms, and how long you have been trying to conceive, I'M POSITIVE YOU HAVE PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). It's a hormonal imbalance. Most people think it means you have to have ovarian cysts, but that's only a risk factor. Do you struggle w/weight (trying to lose weight, that is)? Thinning hair on your head? Increased facial/body hair? PROBLEMS OVULATING? Many women who have PCOS need medication, at the very least, to conceive. One of the worst things about this disease is Insulin Resistance (IR)... which turns into diabetes. If you have a dr (preferably an OBGYN), get in to see them asap so they can start lab work (if you don't have insurance, find a free clinic in your area... w/o insurance they're not gonna give you meds specifically geared to help you conceive BUT they will be concerned about the IR and, at a minimum, start you on Metformin/Glucophage (which helps ALL of the above symptoms). I could go on and on... but seriously, get tested. You sound like a loving, compassionate person... and you deserve to be a mommy. I'd love to talk with you further. It seems you and I are in the same boat with our sleeping habits... I stay up all night and then don't want to get up until noon or later (I'm laid off right now). A little background about me: I'm 31, married, 24wk pregnant - I have PCOS, too, struggle w/weight (had gastric bypass 3/06 and lost 100lbs and was able to come off the Metformin/Glucophage then), struggle w/depression (and other dx's), worked in the mental health field for 8 years (Supervisor of Crisis Intervention)/worked in an Emergency Dept., have a 4 yr degree in Biology, went to nursing school but didn't finish (included my work/education history just to kind of show I have some medical experience). I'm curious to learn more about your bladder issue... I think I have pelvic floor dysfunction, since I lost weight (I went from 254lbs to 145lbs... but gained weight over the winter due to depression so when I got pregnant I was 160lbs - having PCOS I am at greater risk for having Gestational Diabetes... wanted you to know that for your own knowledge as I am convinced you have PCOS). If you don't have insurance when you get pregnant you will automatically be elligible for medical assistance. I NEVER in my life thought I'd need that... then I lost my job in February... hubby and I had probs... he quit his job in June... got pregnant unexpectedly in July - so I needed help. Alright, I'm done writing a book here... look forward to speaking with you~! Oh, if/when you can get to the dr, tell them how long you've been trying to conceive, that your cycles are a little long/irregular, and that you need the following labwork: insulin level, prolactin level (at least these two tests but they could also test your testosterone level... ). A great, great website that may be of interest to you is: www. soulcysters. net I recently joined (I'm "nancysbutterfly"). My email address is: [email]email@example.com[/email].
Take care! Keep me posted!"
Things like that just don't happen everyday so I had to include it into my journey just like I have to include this:
Someone is paying for DH's medical SA. She's my little walking angel here on earth, and she deserves 100 blessing over and over again! We will put that money to good use in Feb or Mar when he gets his SA!!! THANK YOU! (We have still not smoked since November. YAY!)
After reading TCOYF we should have gotten tested after month 4!
I'm making an appt to the health dept. I have Clomid on the way here. I want to take it but I want to get looked at first. Probably best, even though girls keep telling me I should jump on the band wagon.
I want to lose some weight, but with my bladder condition it's going to be VERY challenging! I don't want to cause more pain. That would be bad!
I started my 2nd novel which was inspired by my first that I got 17 chapters into. It holds a very special place in my heart so finally writing outlines and filling out character development sheets has felt good!
I've decided that if my friend gets pregnant through these trials that she is having in her marriage without it being fixed for, will officially be out of my life. I have told her this, and well, she has to understand. It feels selfish to write, but if you knew the story then you'd understand. She keeps telling me they are not trying and using spermicide with condoms, but I honestly am not sure that I believe her. Maybe she'll run across this and soon find out. LOL Yeah.. Hard one to explain, but easy to think about and just say NO. Then walk away it needed.
So, back to the good stuff. Christmas went well, other than I didn't get my BFP. =[ We've been trying a year!!! I'm O'ing right now! I got a blazing positive about 10 hours ago. (I'm still getting them) Time to go BD! It can't wait any longer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I realized tonight that my husband and I have been having unprotected sex for nearly three years now with no baby, and a solid year with trying our @sses off! It's soooo depressing... =[ We need insurance soooo bad! This blows. Reading TCOYF just makes it worse sometimes, because I KNOW that I should have gotten pg by now!
So what happened when I woke up for CD 16?
I guess it was still nice to finally see this:
I'M SO MAD AT MY MONITOR THOUGH.
I think I read an egg can live from 12-24 or 12-36 hours. I'm not 100% sure. I do think I O'd sometime after midnight so it seems, regardless, I think we're safe! DH thinks this may be our best cycle yet when it comes to timing for a couple with low sperm count. I'm going to remain totally positive about it especially since we BD'd CD 14 too and I've had fertile cervical fluid ever since. DH didnt know it, but when people left we BD'd JUST IN CASE because I've learned anything is possible. Especially from TCOYF. That book even says you can O the same day as your jump depending what time of day or night you O and when you temp, so I see how it's possible. I'm guessing I O'd sometime after midnight. It's almost 4am. I tested with an OPK at 1am and it was STILL +!!! My surges generally last 36 hours. I typically O within the first 12-18 hours I'd say of the first one.
I'm just so confused with the temp and my Peak on my monitor! =/
So, I messed around with my temps, and if I get a temp that is 97.3 or above it will show I O'd CD 15, but it could change once I get more temps entered in. If it's below that then I'm not sure what to expect... I sort of hope it's way up there!!!
I know there were some people who pm'd me about the Clomid that I ordered wanting some more info once I got it, and it got here today. I just wanted everyone to know that yes, it shows on here that Clomifene is what it is made of so it is genuine. I showed both my husband (who says they've stored it in a cold pack which he sees everyday) and aunt who both work in a pharmacy and both said it seems to be perfectly fine. I'm just to store them in a cool, dark, dry place until I get checked out so I can use them. (That may be a couple of cycles.)
Until then, I'll be using a very low dose of natural soy. It's 50mg of soy which = 20mg of soy isoflavones. I realize that's a very low dose, but I'd rather start safe. I have 100mg of soy which = 40mg of soy isoflavones waiitng on me if that doesn't do the trick! My dr says it should be perfectly fine to go with the soy which made me very happy! I've also had numerous girls tell me the same thing so it makes me feel ever better. Hopefully I won't need it at all though!!!
I wonder if Cheri's reading will be right. She told me Oct boy. That would set me for next cycle (#13) for conceiving! I hope she's right if I'm not already pg!
I have ha a little less pain this cycle. I think the Marshmallow Root TINCTURE is what has helped the most.
I bought a mini trampoline to rehabilitate my pelvic floor muscles. In the book I read To Wake In Tears (I think that's what it was called) there was a girl who has what I have, and it was really the only exercise she could get in. It started with a bounce as her DH held her hands until weeks later when she was able to do full jumps on her own! That would be a half miracle for me! I've been wanting to get back into shape so badly and I miss exercising more than I let on. It always made me feel good, so I can't wait to get started with getting back into shape!!! It could even potentially help aid us in getting pregnant if I'm a bit healthier. I would like to lose a good 30lbs. I'm one determined girl so if I plan on getting back into shape then I know there's a good chance that I'll actually do that without being hypocritical. Yes! I actually have faith in myself! LOL
My temps are fairly high compared to my coverline that FF gave me... I hope that's a good thing, and I hope they stay high!!!!!
AF showed early. Welcome cycle #13...
I counted it all out, and after three months of not smoking, DH can get his SA in Feb as soon as our 13th cycle is over. We're thinking of saving up money so I can just go in and see a gyno instead of taking the health dept route as well. I'm not quite sure how I want to do it, but we're definitely saving up for a future IUI or IVF that I could probably do by the time I'm 30 if still no baby. We're just really trying to think of the future because it's so important to us so the saving fund for that basically started today!
Depending on DH's SA results, (If they are not good) I will probably give up temping once whatever cycle I'm on is finished out. Emotionally, ALL of this has become too hard, but I can hold out until he gets his SA. I'll feel better about stuff once we get some results, and I can get looked at along with a pap smear. I'm not quite ready to 'give up' yet though! I still have fight in me! lol I just want to create a less stressful environment. I think that's important for both DH and I.
Since I know about when I O, we'll probably drop charting my BBT and turn to BDing CD 14-20 (even days) once I stop temping. I can still keep track of my days on FF so that's a plus! Also, I still have some OPKs and my CBEFM. I just think analyzing everything has become too much after 12 cycles which will probably turn into 14 by the time I give up the temping.
I'm able to jump- bounce rather- for no more than 2 minutes before my bladder starts feeling like I should really STOP... That's about what I expected. I'm trying to do that 2-3 times a day, but I can never seem to make it all the way to 2 minutes. It's always just under. I'll keep everyone posted on my progress. I'm more concerned with my health than my weight!
(x-posted on STIF thread 0-12 month board)
BFN for 10 DPO. My temp is still up which is good since I've been soooo worried about my progesterone. I told my doctor I didn't want the prescription kind because of the major cancer causing agents in it. But so far, so good. Maybe the baby aspirin will do the trick after all. I sure hope so! I would LOVE to have a 14 day LP which means I'm aiming to get to 15 DPO for AF to show... but hopefully I'm preggo, and AF doesn't come at all!
I just know one thing. I feel different this month than any other month besides cycle 3 where I thought I had a possible chem pregnancy. I had a much longer cycle and 15 day LP with no temp drop beloe the cover line, but I also never got a BFP. We can only assume. I feel sick to my stomach and have for about a week. Certain smells are making me want to hurl. I can barely eat what actually smelled good (meat loaf lol). My bb's are still sore, with sensitive nips, gassy, and I just plain feel different. Oh, and no sign of PMS which is WEIRD because I tend to always have it by now. I still am hoping for a decent luteal phase. I'll even settle for one that is 13 days! I don't want to deal with another one that's 11 or 12.
I wanted to add that I did not take the Clomid. I decided to go through this with a much more natural path, so after talking to my doctor, I said I wanted to take 50mg of soy isoflavones, and he said it wouldn't hurt me. I took it CD 3-7 and it DEFINITELY boosted my O! I even felt O pains in both ovaries! It also moved my O day from CD 16-18 to CD 14! Whoo hoo!
I also started Baby Aspirin (81mg) CD 3. I would have started it sooner if I could have got to the store sooner. It's meant to thicken the uterine lining, which should hopefully give me a longer LP. Last cycle it was only 11 days... It scared me, and I talked to my doctor and told him I did not want to use a prescribed progesterone because of the cancer risks, so I might, if I'm not pregnant, start some progesterone cream for after I O. Sorry, but with some of the chaos on here, I will not be updating with numbers of my test. Some of the women on here are way too judging and too opinionated so I'd rather keep some of it to myself. I do plan to post with DH's SA though, but that's probably it...
Obviously, Cycle 13 was a bust. I'm in cycle 14, waiting to O.
I didn't get a new car battery... which means I had no way to get to my dr's appt tomorrow morning, but I thought I'd call my dad and ask if he could be here at 8am since the appt is at 8:!5am. He actually said he would take me! If you knew my dad you would be like, WOW. I'm very thankful, because I need this pap smear. I haven't had one in 2 years!
They said if they find anything wrong they will refer me to a gyno. I'm worried most about cysts on my ovaries and the possibility of having PCOS. (I'm worried most about the cysts though.) If I HAVE to get on birth control to shrink them, like I've done before, I will. Before now, I would have been devastated to put TTC on hold, but now I'm willing to do anything if it will help me get pregnant in the future.
I had my OBGYN appt today to find out why I'm not getting pregnant!
My OB ordered tests for FSH, LH, and TSH (Thyroid). I have an appt to get an inner-ultrasound on the 24th of this month! They'll be able to check my uterus and ovaries, and she seemed really optimistic. I have to try to get in with my family physician and have these tests done before I go for the ultrasound if I can.
They are going to have to switch my blood pressure medicine and nerve pills to something better for pregnancy. Also, she said DO NOT take the baby aspirin, and go back to taking half the dose of the OTC prenatals I was on, so I'll be back to taking one of those a day instead of two and off the Women's One A Day.
Atenolol (for high blood pressure) need to be changed to a pg safe med.
Xanax (for anxiety) she wants me to change to Vistaril? (sp?)
No acid reducers besides Tums.
No baby aspirin (or Ibuprofen or Aleve.)
I called my family doctor. I get to have my 3 blood tests tomorrow (Friday) and DH gets to pick up his stuff for his SA at the same time! AWESOME! We get to kill off two birds with one stone! :yahoo::yahoo:
Oh yeah! That pap smear I had came back normal! YAY!
The bad news? I don't think I O'd for cycle 14! *cries* I'm so glad I get a u/s in two weeks!
TTC Cycle 17
I haven't written in here in a while and I feel bad for not doing so. The whole point has been to keep up with my TTC journey, and I've been failing to do so. I was really brought down when I was finally diagnosed with PCOS... (There's stuff about it in my siggy.) The Metformin really bothered me for about 2 weeks, but it's been a lot better since then. It's definitely a med that one takes a while to get used to. I still feel like sh!t most days, but I'm pretty sure that's normal for someone with PCOS, a bladder illness, and for someone who is on loads of meds...
I wanted to write about this in my normal thread but I couldn't bring myself to do it for some reason. I feel like I'm just talking about my petty things... but, I'm not sure I'm going to O again this cycle like I didn't a few cycles a go... I've cried over it, and I know there's still a possibility that I am O'ing today or will in the next two, but if no temp rise then that will most likely confirm it. (But I also know I should have O'd by now... I really thought the Metformin would work because it did last cycle...)
I feel as if I already O'd. My bb's hurt and I read that it was progesterone that causes that. So, if there's progesterone then why hasn't my temp went up?? Ugh, this is sooooo frustrating. I feel for all of us that have infertility issues. I want to believe that one day it will happen, but with no Peak on my fertility monitor, and no temp rise yet (I did get positive OPK's for three days in a row though) I'm having to prepare myself for the worst, and the worst right now is that I just did no ovulate. =[
I have a dr appt at the end of next cycle I think. Maybe she'll put me on Clomid to help me O. For the first time, I really feel as if I need a boost here... Things don't seem to be getting better like I had hoped.
I will definitely update in the next few days.
OH! I do have good news though!
DH GOT A NEW JOB AT THE HOSPITAL! HE STARTS JUNE 8. WE SHOULD HAVE INSURANCE IN 3-6 MONTHS FOR UNDER $90 A MONTH! SUCH A BLESSING!!!!!!!!!!!! DH HAS A CAREER NOW! WHOO HOO! IT'S NICE TO HAVE SOMETHING TO BE HAPPY ABOUT! NOW WE CAN GET A HOUSE AND HAVE A CHILD WITHOUT ANY WORRIES.
I got CH's for CD 19! Whoo hoo!!!!!!!
Cycle 17 ended in a Chemical Pregnancy. I had a positive test at 10 DPO followed by two negative tests and AF...
I got DH's SA results! I have a lot to type because some of it's confusing.
Semen Collection/Initial Exam
Days abstinent: 4
Specimen Type: Fresh
Temperature: 22.9 degree C
Semen Automated Analysis
Semen pH : 8.0 (a bit high but still in normal range)
White Blood Cell count: Great than 1.0 (his results = 1.06) (INDICATION OF INFECTION)
SEMEN COUNT: 52.8 mil/cc
Motility (a+b+c): 84%
Rapid Progress (a): 38%
Slow Progress (b): 30%
No progress (c): 17%
% Normal Morph: 20%
Sperm Morph Strict Criteria
Strict Criteria Sperm Morphology
Strict Morph NL
Great than 14 = Normal
5-14 = Intermediate
0-4 = Low
RESULT = 6 (for some reason they still marked this is Low.)
Acrosom Defect: 24%
Head Shape Abnormal: 54%
Head Sie Abnormal: 2%
Midpiece Defect: 10%
Tail Defect: 2%
Double Forms: 2%
Multiple Defects: 0%
Less than 4 = Normal
Greater than 4 = Indicates possible disorder in spermatogenesis
RESULT = 0.26 (Normal)
Germinal cells and WBC/mL calculations were based on a concentration of 52.8 mill sperm/mL provided.
Greater than 50% of pyriform shaped sperm with small acrosomal regions observed in this specimen.
His morphology is a bit weird, but now we just need to get DH on some antibiotics. He may have to have a semen culture done as well. I'm not sure. He's not even sure who to go to about it. Our family physician is the one who ordered the test... Does he need to see a urologist? Will my OB be able to help out? He said he was going to call the doctor tomorrow, but still. I'm not really sure how this is going to work. I didn't expect a WBC (infection) problem... Can the infection bother me if we BD??????????? I still have so many questions!!!!
I got my Peak on my fertility monitor yesterday. That means I O'd already or am about to. Good thing we've been BDing! I'm not stopping until I have a sustained temp jump. I can't wait to see what todays temp ends up being.
I really like the Let's Talk About Sex forum!!! XD
Oh, and DH gets paid Friday! WOOT! Yay for his new job!!! So excited. He really seems to like it!
Does anyone else's mom's drive them insane or is it just my mom...?