I suppose, since it's been so long, I should put in a little background, partly for anyone who reads, but also just because it feels better if i talk about it.
My name is Melissa and I am 24. I have one child, a 2 year old girl named Michaela. Not long after Michaela's first birthday, in February 2004, my husband and I decided to try for our second child. We tried diligently until the end of April, and then I took Michaela to visit our family and prepare for my wedding. When my-well he was my fiance, then-came, about a week before the wedding, we made love, and right afterward, I knew we had conceived. It was May 14th, 2004. At the beginning of June, I took a HPT, which was positive. I wasn't surprised, I had just known. We were so excited! We made plans to move back to the towns where our families lived, so the kids would be closer to their grandparents.
While we prepared to move, I got severe inner ear infections in both ears. They put me on antibiotics and codeine for the pain. I couldn't eat,sleep or even hear, for over a week. During this time, I had a biopsy taken from my cervix. I couldn't hear a word the doctor was saying, and when i started spotting 2 days later, I knew it was a miscarriage. My husband rushed me to emergency, and they gave me an exam. Everything was just fine, the spotting was a normal response to the biopsy. Too bad I couldn't hear when I was told about that the first time!
We made our move, and told EVERYONE that we were having another baby. It was due Valentines day, 2005.
Then I stopped dreaming about the baby. I was 11 and a half weeks, and my husband went out of town to pick up new furniture. I started feeling contractions that night. I lay on my side and prayed that it was just my imagination. But ever since the ear infections, I just KNEW. I tried to pretend that it was all fine, but 2 days after i had the contractions, I noticed faint pink spotting on the toilet paper. I wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't been looking, it wasn't even enough to stain my panties. I had an ultrasound the next day. All there was, was an empty sac and placenta, which had stopped growing at 8 weeks. It was a Blighted Ovum, there was never a baby at all. It was July 23rd, 2004.
I spent that weekend in my bed, crying and crying. The contractions hurt, but not as much as my heart. It was Michaela who kept me from going over into a pit of despair. She needed me.
I was bitter, angry, and sad that this baby I wanted so much had been taken from me. but I was convinced we'd get pregnant quickly. I got my first period in September.
It's almost a year later, and still I'm not pregnant. This month has been especially hard for me because my period was almost 2 weeks late. I knew 2 things. That Chad, my husband thought I had finally conceived again, and that I had not. Last Saturday, I told him "I'm not pregnant, you know. I know you think I am, but I'm not." We both cried. He told me he cries about it sometimes. I told him I do too, nearly every day.
I got my period last Sunday. It feels like my body is betraying me every month. I feel like I'm failing Chad.
So I read this book, Taking Charge of Your Fertility, and now have decided to try charting. I'm pretty convinced that I haven't been ovulating for at least the past six months, maybe longer. I've been taking my temp every morning and checking cp and cm every afternoon. There have been some changes in cm, so maybe I will ovulate this month after all. It was kind of nice, knowing for sure that I wasn't fertile last night. I made love with my husband last night, and it was the first time since the miscarriage that I wasn't thinking Will this be the night?
Maybe he wonders too. I'll talk to him tonight and try to help him understand that I'm not fertile right now. If it was better for me, not wondering, maybe it will be better for him, too.
More changes today, both in cm and cp. I'm starting to feel a little optimism. I'm pretty sure that i haven't been ovulating in these past few months. But I've lost some weight now, so maybe this month, even if i don't get preg, at least I will ovulate. Then I at least will know that I can get pregnant again. Optimism? Yes, but a little nervous too. I hate being dissappointed month after month. I tried to talk to hubby about all this, but he just started looking uncomfortable, so I just said, I'll let you know if and when I'm fertile. He got all squirmy and awkward, so we changed the subject. It's funny, I know he likes sex, and I know he wants another baby as much as I do, but any technical talk that goes any farther than, "wonder why we aren't pregnant yet" and he acts like we're talking in detail about...i don't know...something really unpleasent, anyways...I think he's just uninformed, and is uncomfortable with "the unknown" or something.
I'm now on day 18 of my cycle. No sign yet of fertile cm, no temperature rise, no changes at all any more. My confidence is failing. My cycle is usually pretty long, 33 days, so there is still hope, but I don't think I will ovulate this month. That pretty much will confirm that I haven't been for six months at least, maybe even this whole year since the miscarriage. I'm feeling pretty resigned today. I keep reading all these books, and they keep telling me "mucus, cervical position, temperature" but not one of them says what to do if no changes happen, except for all the pills and stuff. There is some hope in me though, because at least in July, I can go to my doctor and say, "look, it's been a year. Help me!"
Anyway, That's all I've got right now.
okay, feeling pretty excited! Today, we have eggwhite, and my fertility predictor tested positive!!! That means I'll probably ovulate in the next couple days, right?? Feeling super hopeful. Wish me babies, guys!
Well, I guess this is another anovulatory cycle. No temperature rise or anything like that. No sign of AF, either. Did you know that the charts on this site only go up to day 33 of your cycle? I am now on day 34, so I think I have to begin a new cycle, even though there isn't one to begin. Went through a couple weeks of pretty bad depression. A friend of mine brought her new 2 month old over, and she was just a doll! She started crying, and her mom handed her over to me, and she smiled and went right to sleep in my arms. I was like, wow that was easy. My little girl was never that easy. She rarely cried, but when she did she was inconsolable.
Anyways, no temperature rise, so even though I had all the signs, it's unlikely that I ovulated this month. I'm a little dissappointed(okay, a lot), but theres still that part of me that is hoping I'm pregnant. That's the part of me whose going to cry her eyes out when I get my period, so I try hard to ignore her.
So today is day 41 of this cycle. I caved and took a hpt just a couple of minutes ago. Gonna wait a few more minutes, but I think I saw 2 lines. I'm so nervous, my hands are shaking as i write this. My heart is pounding and I feel like i might throw up. I think I'll go check again.
So I forgot to mention the other day that I had gone to see the doc. I expained to him about the long cycles and the lack of temperature rise, and he said that I probably wasn't ovulating. I guess I convinced myself that maybe I just hadn't recognized the temperature rise...Anyway. He said that he didn't want to put me on fertility meds right away-his exact words were "You might end up with 3 or 4 babies in your belly!"
So the first step we're taking is to try to regulate my cycles. So I'm going on the pill for a few months. I'm trying to think of it as a break from ttc. It's starting to stress me out a little-ok, a lot- lately. Plus It'll give me a chance to write about something other than baby making.
But before I start the pill, I have to have my period. It's day 43 of this cycle, and still, nothing. but I'm having a little cramping, so maybe in the next few days...
My little girl, who is almost 2 and a half, is almost fully potty trained. YAY. Sometimes I look at her and think, just to have her, I'm so lucky. I don't know, maybe she is my miracle baby. Sometimes, I long for the baby I lost. But there are these moments, these peaceful moments, where I look at her and think, she's enough.
Well it's now day 45 of this wonderful cycle. AF has yet to rear her ugly head. It's so aggravating. It's dragging on and on, I keep thinkin, well another wasted day. I get that I have to regulate my cycle, and to do that I have to take birth control. But so much time is going by. If I never get my period, how will I ever get pregnant!
I dunno...I can handle the time spent, but this waiting is just driving me bonkers!!!