I'm just posting this to remember for the end of this cycle. AF came on Monday, so even on the pill I have a 31 day cycle. Is that weird?
Today I'm feeling a little down. A little pessimistic. In my heart of hearts, I don't really think there will ever be a sibling for Michaela. It's day 6 of this cycle of pills. Feeling a little crampy, boobs are sore. A little blue. Kinda like pms, but that's not right, on day 6 of my cycle. Anyways, whatever, I think I'll go to bed now.
I just reread my last post. I am kind of angry at myself for it. What a whiner! Sorry about that, whoever read it.
There is one lady whose journal I have been following, and she is SUCH a hero. My heart really goes out to her.
I feel so selfish for getting blue about not being able to concieve my second child, when there are so many out there who are struggling to have their first.
Baby dust to all the brave souls out there!
So I have a confession. I haven't been taking the BC pills for about 2 weeks. It was my last cycle, and I kept forgetting to take them. So I just threw them out. No signs of fertility, although I haven't been tracking or temping this cycle at all. I just know. Hopefully, I will get AF this month, and hopefully the next cycle will be a fertile one. On the 19th I have to go for a colposcopy, to make sure they got all the pc cells when they did the LEEP in march. I really hope I'm in the clear and won't need another LEEP, or worse, a cone biopsy.
Anyways, starting next cycle, we will start ttc in earnest again. I figure if I'm not pg by december, I'm gonna go raise a rucus at the dr's office. by then it will be officially a year and 5 months since the mc, a year and 3 months since ttc after that, and a year and 11 months since we started trying to have another baby.
Something's wrong, I think. It's day-what-36 of this cycle and no AF. I am feeling very irritable, and the cramping is just excrutiating. Yesterday I fainted in the bathroom from the pain. Felt like big shards of glass stabbing me. The pain isn't constant, although I feel bloated and a little queasy most of the time. At some point every day,though, It becomes dire and i have to sit and try hard not to faint. I hope it's not endometriosis-or worse...
So still no sign of AF this cycle. I think it's time to start thinking about fertility drugs. Or something. I will never get pregnant if I don't ovulate. I am not getting my period. I quit smoking and have been losing weight, and still no eggies. I'm going to make a drs appt tomorrow, cause this is making me crazy. As to how i feel right now...I've been amazingly moody the past 3 days. No more sign of cramping. I took a pg test today and of course it was neg. I don't know why I even did that- what a waste of money. I am feeling so angry and sad right now. Sometimes I think maybe I'm not being a good enough mom to Michaela, and that's why God isn't letting me have another baby. I try to do right for her. I think I do okay. People are always commenting on how smart she is and how cute. I know that genes have something to do with it, but some of it has to be because of me...doesn't it? My whole life revolves around her. She's always clean, well fed. I spend nearly every waking moment with her. Sometimes I get frustrated with her, but I try not to lose my temper. I love her so much.
But maybe it just isnt good enough. I dunno...
The weirdest thing. Last night I had what appeared to be EWCM, but the o predictor stick was neg. I have never seen EWCM before I don't think, except in really tiny miniscule amounts. This time I am certain that's what it was, but no LH surge??? What the heck! and this morining my temps rose from 36.25 c to 36.37 c. Is that enough of a rise???Whats going on????
I started posting on the message board and there are so many kind and understanding women here!
I wish I had done that months ago. I'm comforted to know that there are people out there who are going through the same things as I am. And it feels really good to have baby hopes for someone other than myself. I'm so glad I found this website!
Anyways, I went to the dr on Friday, and told him what's been going on. He says, "Well how do you know you haven't been ovulating?" All condesending, like I'm completely clueless or something. So I told him, I've been chartingand my temps never go up. So he says(now he knows I know what I'm talking about, so he stops treating me like a dummy) since I've been pg before, It's probably a hormonal problem, not a physical one, and DH probably has a good sperm count, since he got me pg twice. I think that's true. I think That in the 5 years me and DH have been together, I've only o'd like twice. I wish I'd known about charting back then. But since my cycles have always been irregular, I wouldnt be surprised.
He's just a family practitioner, so he referred me to a gyno that comes to our town once a week. So now I'm waiting for that office to call me for an appointment. I am usually out doing errands in the morning, and that is when drs offices usually call, so I even went out and bought myself and answering machine, so I wouldn't miss that important call. It was a smart thing to do because I have been waiting for the pediatrician to call for more then 2 weeks, so maybe I've been missing her calls, too. That's it for now.
Today is day 12 of this improvised cycle. I though I might "o", because cp was a little higher and softer then usual and had more cf than usual. But things seem to be drying up and going back to "normal", whatever that is. My temp is dropping, even though it never rose to begin with. basically I know I'm charting for nothing, but I keep doing it because it makes me at least feel like something is happening to get me to my goal. 2 weeks 2 days since I quit smoking, and the smell, when my friend smokes, and also the smell of it on her, is starting to become unpleasent. Good, because it makes me way less tempted to smoke. Today, I had my mom on one side and friend on the other just puffin away, and I was like, eww.
Still waiting for that gyno to call for an appt. I know, it's only the 3rd day, but this waiting is KILLING ME!
Stupid me, I watched "Birth Stories" last night. Cried my eyes out. Today I'm feeling a little blue.
Anyways, now that I'm pretty sure I won't backslide with the smoking issue, I'm going to focus on my weight.