Thread: TTC #4- the most difficult journey of my life

Someone suggested journaling as a way to get rid of some of the stress and tension of TTC... and since I've been having way too many sleepless nights, I figured I better give it a try.

I'm on CD17-4dpo and in the always dreaded 2ww. It's amazing to me how slowly this period of time can go by!! I don't know if it's the dragging of time, or the fact that I analyze every last symptom and really get my hopes up during this time, that I hate the most. It really sucks that AF and pregnancy symptoms can be so similar.

I never understood how hard infertility could be until I experienced it myself. Sometimes I think that this is God's way of making me a stronger person, one more able to truly help others going through this, because of my experience. Same with my miscarriage. I honestly had NO IDEA how hard that would be. In fact, about 2 weeks after I miscarried, I called a good friend of mine to apologize. First I told her that I had miscarried recently and then "I wanted to tell you I'm SO sorry for anything I said when you had your miscarriage", I said. She said that she didn't remember anything I said, so it probably wasn't bad. But I remember saying all those "It is probably for the best, there must have been something wrong with the baby... I'm sure you'll get pregnant again soon (which she did, but that's not the point)... You're young, you have plenty of time." I just didn't get how emotionally traumatizing it could be. My experience has definitely made me a better person.

I read somewhere that without pain in our lives, there would be no joy. I'm getting to understand that more and more as each cycle goes by. I know that eventually when I DO get pregnant, I will be filled with a great joy that will make the past months seem like a distant dream.

I just hope it's soon.....

Another hectic day... at least it's kept my mind off the 2ww some! My son Lukas goes to the orthodontist 1 1/2 hrs away... and was in the office for over an HOUR today... to that ate away a big chunk of the day. Then my second son, Jake, had a science fair (which we JUST made it home for) and then a 7pm basketball game! RUN RUN RUN!!!

Tonight, while the kids are in bed, and the house is quiet... my mind of course turns back to TTC. It's so hard during the 2ww because all you can do is hope for the best. And pray a lot. Beyond that, it's all out of my control at this moment.

Maybe I need to figure out that it's ALWAYS out of my control... that might be the answer.

I'm 10dpo today, and am wishing that my temp would go up. It is higher than 2 days ago (97.7) but not much (97.9). I missed a day because we went away overnight and figured that temping in the hotel wouldn't be accurate anyways, and would wake everyone up in the room (my 2 boys, Dh and daughter were all there). Not worth it for an inaccurate temp.

So having missed a day makes me really wonder what my temp would have been yesterday. Was it up? or down lower? Promising or more negative than I'm already feeling?

I'm not having any symptoms at all, so I'm really not thinking this is my cycle for a BFP. I really wish I was wrong, but unless my temps rise SIGNIFICANTLY I'm just biding my time until AF finds me.

4 more days, I'd guess.

sucks

On the 24th I took a HPT which showed a faint line.... at 2pm I went to the lab for a blood test. I called my Dr. at home to get the results- he's a good sport, thankfully. He called me right back and told me it was 18.5- pregnant, but just a little. He wasn't too surprised when I told him that I was only 14dpo.

I went back yesterday- 3/26- and had my levels drawn again. This time an hour didn't even pass before my Dr. called me on his own. They had paged him with my results. 8. My Dr. asked me if I was bleeding yet, and was surprised when I said no. He asked if I was feeling pregnant, and I told him that yesterday I was, but that today I really wasn't as much. He told me that I should start bleeding at any time. He was really sorry and I know that he had a hard time telling me the bad news.

So once again, all my hopes and dreams have been dashed. Once again, this baby that I already welcomed into my life, is gone.

I don't know what to do. I am deeply sad. I am angry. I am lost.

I wanted this so badly. Why can't it just WORK OUT for me?????

At this point, I'm on a TTC break, I just don't think I can continue to survive these losses. I'm going to talk to my Dr. again and see if there is anything that we can do to help me keep a pregnancy.

And for now... I'm going to wait. Wait for the bleeding to come... wait for healing to start....

Wait.

Well I laid down and took a nap yesterday afternoon when Raiya did. I was so tired, emotionally and physically.

I think that trying to pretend that everything is o.k. is one of the most draining things I've ever done. I don't know why I'm so scared of telling anyone here. It's all just so hard.

So as I lay there, sobbing myself to sleep, I prayed to God to either give me an Easter miracle or to just get it over with and let me start bleeding. I just needed to move forward.

When I got up from my nap, AF had found me.

I guess there's no such thing as Easter miracles anymore....

Veine talked to me about TTC again, and he wants to take this cycle off completely, no matter what. Because I started to bleed yesterday, it would make my due date Jan. 1st (or around that, depending on when I ovulate).

I understand his reluctance to have a 'Christmas' baby, and that time of year is always very hectic... but a part of me is afraid of losing ANY chance that this could be 'the egg', the one that would be healthy and stick.

I think there is an equal part of me that is afraid that it could be another 'bad' egg and I could get pregnant and m/c again. That would be really devistating, but at the same time I just have to hold onto the hope that I will be able to actually get pregnant and carry a baby to term.

These last 2 miscarriages have felt like a bad nightmare that I'm waiting to wake up from.

My Dr. offered to put me on Clomid to see if that helped me ovulate more effectively. My problem is definitely not that I don't ovulate, actually I seem to be doing that just fine, but that the eggs aren't mature enough, or healthy enough. I just don't know if Clomid would help me or not. Veine is afraid of having twins, but I think I've convinced him that the 5-7% chance is low enough to not have that stop us. I'm going to write to my Dr. today (I have his email) and ask him some questions to see what he thinks. I just feel like I need to do SOMETHING to try to fix this problem.

I want a new baby.... I want Raiya to have a close sibling... I want to get pregnant and have it last....

3 days into miscarriage hell. I'm deeply sad and can't seem to shake myself out of it. If it continues then I will call my Dr., but I think it's just part of the grieving process.

I'm up and about, hanging out with Raiya, playing games, reading books... but a deep feeling of sadness just occupies my heart.

I'm having a hard time going to the boards that I have found so much solice in... I'm having trouble reading posts and feeling happy for those who continue to have healthy pregnancies. I find myself crying over and over again, about anything.

Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy for them. I just feel..... left behind.

I hate this feeling, and I hate that I don't feel like I have anyone who understands what I'm going through. I hate feeling so alone.

Well, what started out as a good day, has turned out to be another stressy one. My sister lost her job that she has been at for 15 years, and is really down. I feel bad for her, but I just can't seem to get upset over anything besides what's going on with me. She showed up while I was on the phone with my Dr., talking about where to go from here, so I also ended up telling her about the miscarriages. It felt good to tell someone else, but at the same time it just brought back that 'flood' of grief.

My Dr. is ordering some bloodwork to see if it's any of the more obscure clotting disorders or other typical miscarriage type stuff. He also said that he would order a progesterone level for me the next time I get pregnant with the beta hCG order. Hopefully I'll have that drawn tomorrow and get some answers soon.

I have a feeling though, that this is going to be one of those 'unexplained recurrent miscarriage' situations. So frustrating.

I found a board on FF of other women who all miscarried in March. It has really helped to have other women that are going through the same feelings as I am right now, to share them with. It's heartbreaking to read their stories and heartache, but it's nice to know I'm not alone.

I went last night with my sister to help her clean out her office. It was odd. The YMCA where she has worked for 15 years has always been somewhere that I have felt welcome and free to come and go from. When I'm behind schedule, I could always call the boys school and have them walk to the Y (which is really close)... it's going to be so strange to not have my sister there anymore. I also volunteer as a Cardiac Rehab nurse on Fridays there, and I'm hoping it won't be too awkward but I think it will be. I hate to quit because I get a free family membership and also some programs like swimming for Raiya and soccer for Jake. I just hope I can stay out of the mess there....

I hate that everything is changing, and I hate that things are so strange and awkward right now. I want things to go back to how they were a month ago. Why can't I just wish time back??

It's been a busy day today so I've kept my mind busy enough to not cry over every little thing. I just have to take one moment at a time.

I called to make an appt. with my Dr. but they couldn't get me in until May. He wants to do some cultures for ureaplasma and mycoplasma, plus a bunch of blood work just to see if there's anything we can do to try to prevent another m/c. My Dr. wrote back to me and is going to make time for me while he's working at the hospital on the 5th, and figure out a way to do cultures there (which is really nice of him to fit me in like that). It's really great to be emailing with my Dr., he's away at a conference in Mass. and is STILL making the time for me. That means so much right now.

Here are the tests that he's planning on running:
-Ureaplasma & Mycoplasma cultures
-Anti-phospholipid Antibodies
-Anti-cardiolipin Antibodies
-Lupus Anticoagulant
-Fasting Blood Sugar
-Fasting Insulin
-TSH (only if I didn't already have one done, but I think I have)

I'm hoping he'll find something, but hoping he won't at the same time. It would be nice to have something to 'fix', but I just hope it's nothing hard.

On another note:

My sister already has an interview for another job, so things there are looking pretty hopeful. I'm really hoping that this change gives her the strength to make other big changes in her life. Sometimes I think while something like this really gives you a punch in the stomach, the kick you get in your *** can be even more motivating and life changing. I hope that this means good things are going to start happening for her.

Why is it always that when things are bad, they just seem to attract other bad things into your life??

Veine's father called today from Sweden and is really sick. Veine is a MESS right now because he is so stressed out about him and being so far away that he can't really do anything to help take care of his father. I tried to find a cheap flight for him to go to Sweden, and finally found one but he would have to leave tomorrow. That wasn't too bad, even though we would have to rush around a lot... and he would be back by the 10th, so hopefully he wouldn't miss my O time. (though admittedly, we haven't really decided if we're going to TTC this cycle or not, so I guess it doesn't *really* matter).

I just hate to see Veine so stressed out. I know how it feels to have the helpless feeling deep inside of you (heck, I think it's got to be a lot like *I* am feeling with this whole miscarriage crap). I want to help and make it better.

Hopefully we'll figure out something... soon.