TTC after loosing Kassandra (pg ment)

http://www.pregnancy.org/phpBB2/view...b880427140f333

Above is my journal that started after I lost my daughter to a severe heart defect, called Ebstein anomaly. She was just 5days old. With Kassandra I had to have a c-section. Originally I was told that we'd have to wait 1yr before TTC again. But I was also told that if things look really good that we may get clearance to TTC 9m after our loss. During my 6w checkup I was put on the BC patch. It seemed OK at 1st but then I started getting nasty side effects and during a check my cervix actually looked very fertile despite being on the patch. I was having alot of pain so for a day we though I had an ectopic pregnancy or an ovarian cyst. The U/S showed nothing, so I was fine. It could have been a cyst that ruptured, this have happened to me so many times in the past.

This month my AF was very late, I was very scared since it has only been 6m since we had Kassandra. All those bad things that could happen kept playing over and over in my head. I waited 1week to test. By the time I tested I got very excited. I thought for sure I was pregnant and everything would be fine. So I tested and it was a BFN. A few days later I got AF. Despite being a tiny bit relieved I was very sad.

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I posted this on my journal,

Something came over me today, I'm not sure what. But I feel its time to TTC again. I know we were told to wait, but something inside is ticking. DH and I talked about and a feel that if its time God will be with us and, everything will be fine. If its not time, he will be with us and I won't conceive till it is time. So I'm going to write my midwife and email (yes we e-mail alot) I'm going to ask her for clearance. If she says no I won't buck it, but I'm really hoping she will say its OK. I've done a ton of research and I know the earliest would be 6m, risks go down at 1yr. We will get of BCP and if it happens it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't. We do not plan on tempting and charting. I really hope we have made the right decision. I'm sure god will be with us.

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my later response

MY Midwife SAYS EVERY THING IS GOOD IN THAT AREA, AND I CAN GO OFF MY BCP!!!!!!!!!!! I don't have to wait until Sept or Dec. I wasn't planning on charting, but she wants me to, so I can know right away when I am preggo to come on there for an U/S. When I get preggo we need to make sure the baby didn't attach to scar tissue (chances are really low, but it can happen). She has also increased my dose of folic acid. And put me on a ton of restrictions, since we have no idea what caused the heart defect in the 1st place. Even hot showers and hot tubs are out. But I don't care as long as my baby is healthy. Since having Kassandra our chances of another heart baby increases. I'm not timing my ovulation and sex, that is one thing we are going to leave up to god.

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http://www.snugglepie.com/ezb/550003.png
So I guess we are officially TTC!!!!!!!

We haven't really felt "busy" so nothing yet. I do have a question I'm going to ask on the TTCAL board. How long after going off BC can you get preggo? I was on it for 4 1/2 m. Is there a possibility of getting preggo this month? Or would it be more likely a following month?

I guess I should tell you about the rest of my family. Andy and I have been married for 5 1/2yrs. but we've been together for 7yrs. We were young. When I was 16 he was 18 we moved in together. 6months later we got engaged. almost 1yr later we got married. After we got engaged we were not careful at all, we knew we were getting married so it didn't matter to us If I got preggo at the time. At that time in my life, I did somethings that I'm not proud of. I also wasn't very religious at the time. It was Dec of 1999 when we got engaged. and yet by 2003 I still wasn't preggo. I was getting really worried, thinking I'd never have a baby of my own. On our 4th wedding anniversary Nov 18th I found out I was preggo with out son Nick. We were so excited. He is the best thing in our life. After we had him, we had planned on waiting 2yrs or till he was potty trained to have another baby. We were using the contraceptive film, but weren't really worried because the amount of time it took to conceive our son. When Nick was 9m I found out I was pregnant. I was very worried, shocked and excited all at once. So that's how my family came to be. I left out a TON of details, but they wouldn't change anything, just our feelings.

I don't now why Kassandra had those birth defects, sometimes I think god did it to me to punish us for living in sin years ago. I always figured it was OK because we were getting married. But I have to keep reminding my self that he wouldn't hurt an innocent child to punish us, he loves his children too much. I don't know why or how, but Kassandra has really brought me to the lord again. Everyone thinks should be mad at him for taking her away, but I can't be. He let us have her for those 5 days, when he could have taken her a lot sooner. He also is the one who is taking care of her in heaven, why would I be mad at the man who's keeping my baby in the safest place in the world??

I'm not sure if I'm actually cut out for this TTC stuff. I want to so bad but then something comes up and I get terrified!!! Last night I dreamt I was pregnant again. I dreamt I was in the last trimester and the baby stopped moving, then I found out the baby died. Is this a sign telling my body can't handle a baby yet? or is it just my twisted mind going over board???

Before losing Kassandra baby death seemed non existent to me. Now I know sooooo many people who lost their babies so many different ways. There are so many different bad things that can happen, it just really frightens me.

Another thing. DH really seemed excited about TTC again, now I'm not so sure he is. He never wants to do anything, Maybe he's as tired a he says or maybe its something else.

so now that we are TTC again, DH shows no interest in having sex, he refuses to do it. How are we supposed to get preggo if we don't have sex. He's always coming up with excuses, he's too tired, or we'll do it in the morning...etc I'm not sure what to think at first he was so excited to being able to TTC again, now I'm thinking he's scared. But then again, he might just being lazy, which he has been before in the past. I know were not charting, because we wanna leave it in god's hands, but if he's scared and not ready why doesnt he tell me so??? He has no problem telling me any of his other feelings especially when its something he doesnt wanna do.

you know its not only just the TTC stuff, I just really miss being so close to him. We rarely do anything anymore. I'm just tired of waiting. I know he hates it when I ask or initiate it, but I cannot wait forever.

tried to talk to him about it, and he was still to stubborn. I know he's holding something back, I can tell. He's starting to get back into his old routine, not talking about things and hiding his feelings inside again. He was doing so good till now. I told him that if he's not ready than I'm not either. Because it needs to be when WE are both ready. I offered to go back on birth control for a bit and he said no. So I just don't know what to think.

Well I think we putting everything on hold for a short bit, we agree that we are not totally ready to actively TTC, BUT we are not going to prevent if that makes any sense.

I' still worry though, I worry about pregnancy, but haven't been obsessing over getting pregnant.

I had to have my back molar pulled because it was bad and the wisdom tooth was pushing against the roots. It didn't have the money to get it fixed so I had them pull it instead. Anyways they had talked about x rays and gas. I totally freaked out, thinking about all the "what ifs", beings I'm on my 2WW. i REFUSED the gas, and tried refusing the xrays. They wouldn't go for it though. They kept telling me how bad they needed it and how fast the film was and how it wouldn't affect anything now, because the new safety standards. I argued with them for over 1/2 hr before I let them do it. I had to explain to them about Kassie's problems, and how we don't know what caused them. SO YA I'm a bit over protective of my eggs and future holding baby parts. But can you blame me???? Anyways even after they showed me the new policy stating that they don't "have to use aprons" anymore, they said. We'll we still use them to be on the safe side. I should have walked out there then.,...lol

we'll I really needed it done, and I was in a lot of pain. I was worried about infection, so I allowed ONE xray only if I could be covered with 2 lead aprons. I'm almost positive I'm not preggo, but I'm not taking the chance.

I figured since I was starting to TTC again I'd need HPT so guess what! I just bought 25 test strips, They are the early detection ones that start detection at 20 hCG so I think that's less than 7DPO. I also got a great deal!!! $11 total after shipping it would have been $13 but I got a discount since my SIL also ordered 25 tests

6 days till testing!!!!!!!

:crying: my baby is growing up. My son is 2 now and we are pottytraing all this big boy stuff reminds me how bad I want a baby again. Originally We had planned on TTC # 2 now, but it #3. Without having # 2 with us.
It has been almost 7m since we lost Kassandra.

I went shopping today, it took all my will power to walk away from the OPK. I know if I had this we'd get preggo sooner, but I really wanna leave this pregnancy up to god. I want it to be at the right time. Waiting sucks!!!

I did decide that I definitely want a bumbo with the next baby. I thought about buying one for Kassandra, but decided to wait, because of her health problems. I also looked at the new graco safe seats, I'm really considering this since our snugride was in a minor accident so we need a new one. I'm a planner when it comes to babystuff. That was one thing that really killed me when I was preggo with Kassandra. I couldn't really plan, we just didn't know.

I've been soo hungry lately, could this be a + sign?? Or is it my head just playing games on me?? Only a few more days till testing!! No signs of AF yet!!!!

Well AF showed up today, :( So I'm guess I'm back to day one. Another month of waiting. I wonder how long its going to be till I get preggo. I guess I shouldn't complain, because I know I can get preggo and carry my babies to full term. I feel bad for everyone, who's battling infertility. Sometimes I feel like I don't belong in here.

Here's this months ticker

http://www.snugglepie.com/ezb/584097.png

Last month cycle was 33d, the month before was 45d.

Just some questions I'm posting on TTAL board and also the birth defects board

How do you deal with the scariness of TTC after having a baby with birth defects or a loss??? Do any of you worry or have worried about this?? Please share.

Is there anyone here, that can share a positive story about having a healthy child after having a special needs child? I really need some mental relief.

I'm so excited to finally be able to TTC again, especially 6m early. But at the same time I'm terrified. I'm scared it'll happen again, or something else bad will happen again. With all the researching I've done on various syndromes and heart defect, and meeting so many mothers with babies with other disorders, and hearing of so many pregnancy losses. I can't help but to worry that even though this may not happen again, something else might. I mean what happened to Kassandra was rare, so doesnt that make us more at risk to be special parents again???????