TTC after multiple losses

Hello! I'm fairly new to pg.org, but every time I visit the site, I find myself drawn to the TTC journals. I've decided to take it as a sign that I should start my own. I love hearing about you ladies and I can so relate to many of your stories. I hope that sharing this journal will help me deal with the difficulties of TTC our first living child and maybe even help someone else along the way.

A little background on me. I am 35 years old. DH is my 2nd husband and we do not have any living children. I was married the first time very young and we suffered 5 losses. FIVE. Such a big number. 3 were first trimester losses. The fourth was a 2nd trimester loss, at which time I was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix. An incompetent cervix is a condition in which the cervix cannot support the weight of a growing baby and opens too early. The fifth pregnancy, I had a cerclage -- a little stitch in the cervix that prevents it from opening too early. Sadly, my water broke at about 16-17 weeks. I went to the hospital and remained there for another 6 weeks in an effort to save the baby. But she came anyway. When the docs told me that they couldn't stop the labor, they gave her a 10% chance of survival. She didn't make it. She was born, but her little lungs just weren't strong enough and she died later that same day. It's so hard to write about this....

So that was a long time ago. More than 10 years ago, in fact, though in some ways it feels like yesterday. After I lost the baby, I knew that I couldn't face trying to have children. I actually asked the doctor to tie my tubes! He wouldn't do it because I was still in my early 20's. I went back to graduate school and eventually met and married my DH. And here we go again. I knew from the beginning that it would not be easy for me to have a baby. I knew I would likely miscarry again. What I never predicted was that I would have trouble getting pregnant. But here I am, we've been TTC for almost a year and not a pregnancy in sight.

I've had a good basic workup for recurrent miscarriage and infertility. Blood tests to test for clotting disorders, FSH and estradiol, clomid challenge, HSG, DH has had a semen analysis. So far, everything appears 'normal'.

This is the first day of my cycle and this month we are going to try our first IUI (intrauterine insemination) with injectible fertility medications which will hopefully cause my body to produce more than one egg. If it doesn't work, maybe we'll do it again or maybe we'll start thinking IVF. I'm not sure yet, but we'll discuss it when we have to decide, I suppose.

I am terrified of not getting pregnant. I am terrified of getting pregnant with twins (I haven't been able to carry one child yet, so can't imagine carrying two). I am terrified of getting pregnant then having another loss. So that about covers it; I am afraid of any possibility! But what can I do, except keep trying until I can't try anymore.

Peace, FI

Today is CD3. I went into the RE's office this morning for bloodwork and my baseline ultrasound of my ovaries. I didn't think about it until today, but a vaginal ultrasound on CD3 means that I am still bleeding during the exam. I was pretty embarrassed, even though I know that he's a doctor and he's used to seeing that. They have this horrible system where you get undressed in one room, then walk down the hall with a sheet wrapped around to the ultrasound room. I kept worrying that I would leave drops of blood on the carpet. Thank god that didn't happen. I would never be able to tell this without the anonymous internet, that's for sure. Anyway, my ovaries looked 'quiet' and were of normal size. My bloodwork came back ok, so I started the injections tonight.

I am taking 125 units of follistim. DH couldn't make the appt this morning where they showed me how to do it. He's been working so hard, poor sweetie. He went to work at 4 this morning and is still there. Anyway, I was wishing he had come with me because I was worried about doing the injections wrong. But they show you how to do it in the doc's office, they also give a dvd with instructions, and there's also a booklet of instructions. With all that, even I couldn't screw up. It was very easy and didn't hurt a bit.

I am soo excited and so hopeful for this cycle to work. I keep imagining having a big belly and a little baby. Funny, I never imagine labor! :-)

This is the happiest I've been in a really long time. I pray this works and that we finally grow our little family.

It was a pretty quiet weekend, very relaxing. We went to my nephew's 8th birthday party yesterday. Oh my goodness, those kids were rowdy! We had fun, but needed a nap afterwards. We are ready for kids, right? Well, one at a time shouldn't be too bad. Today we slept late and took the dog for a long walk. Then DH went to work. He's been working a lot lately.

It's Sunday night and I just took the 4th dose of the follistim. I go back tomorrow morning for an ultrasound to see what how my body is reacting to the meds. I hope it all goes well. I'm a little worried that my body has over or under-reacted, since that would cancel the cycle. I would hate for all of this to be for nothing.

It actually feels a little strange not to have to worry about when to make love. Right about now is usually when the bd marathon begins. We've tried making love every day and we've tried making love every other day. I'm usually trying to track things with the clear blue easy fertility monitor, taking my temp every day, and OPK's. I also use preseed, I've tried acupuncture and changing my diet to low sugar and low caffeine for 90 days. I've eaten grapefruit juice and pineapples, tried taking mucinex and robitussin. I also took something called FertiliTea and FertilAid pills. Basically, if I thought it couldn't hurt and might help me conceive, I was all over it. I'm hoping this IUI puts an end to all that madness.

The sonogram this morning wasn't great. It wasn't horrible, it just seemed that the doctor expected to see follicles more mature than he did. I have 2 about 10 mm and several others that are very small. Hopefully the 2 that are 10 mm will grow....he said they need to be about 18 mm for an egg to be produced. After my bloodwork is checked, he'll call me back. I may need to increase my medications.

I was very disappointed by this news. I have to rid myself of the mindset that I 'deserve' this pregnancy and that there is something 'fair' about what will happen. I know that I'm not any more deserving than anyone else who wants a baby. Nothing makes me special. And I know that whether a person gets pregnant or not, miscarries or not, it doesn't have anything to do with what is fair. But even though I know this intellectually, I think I keep expecting the universe to give me a break, to cut me some slack b/c of my past. But there are others who have suffered far worse than me. Fairness doesn't play a part in the outcome. It's all totally random. In my heart of hearts, there's this expectation that it's my turn now, and at least ONE thing will go according to plan and be easy. I really thought I'd get pregnant right away! And when I didn't get pregnant, I at least thought that this first IUI would work. Now I have to face the possibility, even the probability, that it won't work.

I hope my next ultrasound is better.

It's been too long since I've updated. I've been so tired this whole week. I've had doc appt nearly every morning, then I've gone to work and tried to keep up, then straight home and to bed. I've had such a hard time staying awake all day.

Let's see, last Wed appt. showed that my follicles are growing appropriately. The 2 follicles were up to about 13-14 mm. But there was some bad news. The doc thinks I'm going to ovulate over the weekend. Usually he would come in to do the IUI, even on the weekend, but he can't this weekend. So we may have to rely on sex. I don't really trust just plain old sex, that hasn't worked in the last year. I have another sonogram scheduled for tomorrow, Friday, and we'll see whether my body will hold off until Monday. God, I hope so!

Everything looked great at my Friday morning sonogram. It looks like I will have 2 follicles. All of a sudden, 2 doesn't really seem like enough. Ahh, well, most people get pregnant with one.

I took my HCG trigger Saturday night at 10, and go in Monday morning for the IUI. I pray that it works and we can leave the TTC hell.

On another note, we are experiencing some money problems, which makes me question whether we should even be doing this right now. I know DH worries about the money more than I do, and he's also more convinced that we can have a baby on our own. If I offered, I think he would be perfectly happy to delay this by 6 months or even a year. He hasn't said anything, because he knows how much I want this to happen. I just hope it all works out...

The IUI was this morning. It was pretty easy. There was some severe cramping for a couple of seconds (due to a 'bend' in my uterus, which the RE said doesn't affect fertility or pregnancy, but makes the IUI more challenging). It took a few minutes and then I laid down for 10 minutes.

DH did a great job with his sample. They like to see at least 10 million live, motile sperm, and he gave up 15.5 million. Of course, he's proud of that. I'm having light cramping and a little spotting now, which RE said is normal. DH and I will make love for insurance tonight or tomorrow morning. I'm torn between tonight, because presumably I O'd today, but his sperm is probably nonexistent after this morning vs. tomorrow, which could be after O but he will have had 24 hours to get at least a little sperm together. I guess we'll see how we feel; it probably doesn't matter anyway.

I start my progesterone on Thursday and 2 weeks from today -- unless that ugly red witch shows up beforehand -- we will do a pg test. My luteal phase is usually 11-13 days, so if I don't get AF I will have to remind myself that a) the progesterone can stop her from showing, and b) AF on day 14 is not late. God, I really really hope this works.

If it doesn't -- well, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I'm in the 2WW, so I haven't had too much to say lately. We did make love to seal the deal the day after the IUI. We decided to go for it in the morning, but we were sooo tired. I think we reached a new point in our relationship, though. Usually DH doesn't like quickies. He likes to go through the whole deal, including foreplay, and try to make it last a long time. And usually, this is great for me. But sometimes in the bd marathon, I just wish he'd be willing to get on with it already. Anyway, the other morning he woke me up and said we could be done in 2 minutes and back to sleep! It wasn't quite that quick, but I actually was happy that it was so much quicker than normal. Not sure if this new point is a new high or a new low....

I've been avoiding this journal like the plague. The IUI didn't work. Not only didn't it work, I've had a pretty awful couple of weeks. My mom, who has had major heart surgery, lung cancer and chemo in the last year, may have kidney cancer. We'll find out more next week. Our car needed some major repairs. This just to name a few. I haven't had the heart to come back and update. Somehow seeing it all written makes it seem more real. We decided to forego the IUI this cycle and instead go for a natural cycle while we try to find another RE. I like our current RE, but DH wants to seek a 2nd opinion. The insurance covers 3 IUI's -- we've just used 1 -- so we decided to maybe do some more testing before I get the next one. Also, my blood pressure has been sky high. I'm taking the meds, but you wouldn't know it to see the numbers. I have an appt with a blood pressure specialist, a cardiologist, this month and hopefully we can get that under control before getting pregnant. We will get pregnant, right? It feels so far away right now. The anniversary of my daughter's birth and death are this month. Last year at this time, I had hoped to visit the cemetary either with a baby or at least a pregnancy. Once again, empty arms, empty belly.

We have an RE appt this Friday for a different RE. We'll see if this one gives advice any different than the other one. This is probably the place we'll go to if it comes down to IVF. I hope that doesn't happen, but so far all my hopes have been dashed.

I am feeling better, though, no more woe is me. At least, no more for the moment. It's funny how no matter how disappointing the last cycle was, the next one always brings renewed hope. It's almost like being in an abusive relationship....you think it can't get any worse and you are about to leave, when something happens and you decide to give it one more try. Years can pass like this.

One thing that's weird about this cycle is that I'm CD8, but my temps are low 98's. My pre-O temps are usually 97's, so it's a little odd. Probably means nothing, though. The Friday RE appt will be right before O, so hopefully he'll see signs that the follicle is about to rupture.

That's it for now.