Hello! I'm fairly new to pg.org, but every time I visit the site, I find myself drawn to the TTC journals. I've decided to take it as a sign that I should start my own. I love hearing about you ladies and I can so relate to many of your stories. I hope that sharing this journal will help me deal with the difficulties of TTC our first living child and maybe even help someone else along the way.
A little background on me. I am 35 years old. DH is my 2nd husband and we do not have any living children. I was married the first time very young and we suffered 5 losses. FIVE. Such a big number. 3 were first trimester losses. The fourth was a 2nd trimester loss, at which time I was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix. An incompetent cervix is a condition in which the cervix cannot support the weight of a growing baby and opens too early. The fifth pregnancy, I had a cerclage -- a little stitch in the cervix that prevents it from opening too early. Sadly, my water broke at about 16-17 weeks. I went to the hospital and remained there for another 6 weeks in an effort to save the baby. But she came anyway. When the docs told me that they couldn't stop the labor, they gave her a 10% chance of survival. She didn't make it. She was born, but her little lungs just weren't strong enough and she died later that same day. It's so hard to write about this....
So that was a long time ago. More than 10 years ago, in fact, though in some ways it feels like yesterday. After I lost the baby, I knew that I couldn't face trying to have children. I actually asked the doctor to tie my tubes! He wouldn't do it because I was still in my early 20's. I went back to graduate school and eventually met and married my DH. And here we go again. I knew from the beginning that it would not be easy for me to have a baby. I knew I would likely miscarry again. What I never predicted was that I would have trouble getting pregnant. But here I am, we've been TTC for almost a year and not a pregnancy in sight.
I've had a good basic workup for recurrent miscarriage and infertility. Blood tests to test for clotting disorders, FSH and estradiol, clomid challenge, HSG, DH has had a semen analysis. So far, everything appears 'normal'.
This is the first day of my cycle and this month we are going to try our first IUI (intrauterine insemination) with injectible fertility medications which will hopefully cause my body to produce more than one egg. If it doesn't work, maybe we'll do it again or maybe we'll start thinking IVF. I'm not sure yet, but we'll discuss it when we have to decide, I suppose.
I am terrified of not getting pregnant. I am terrified of getting pregnant with twins (I haven't been able to carry one child yet, so can't imagine carrying two). I am terrified of getting pregnant then having another loss. So that about covers it; I am afraid of any possibility! But what can I do, except keep trying until I can't try anymore.