Apparently now Brooke Shields is also pregnant and due in a few weeks. Why are they torturing me? Everywhere I turn - celebrities are preggers. I can't help but think that this must be a new trend because I don't remember ever having that many famous women being pregnant or giving birth at the same time. It doesn't matter how old they are - they are all pregnant and looking great on top of that. Even Matt Damon's new wife whom he just married like two months ago is 7 month pregnant.
Well, the good news for me is that according to my calculations I should be ovulation this week (keeping my fingers crossed). After last month's confusion when I either ovulated super late or had another chemical pregnancy, I will be doing the ovulation test to make sure that I ovulate. Tomorrow is day 13 of my cycle so I'm starting with the tests then. I'm not sure how accurate those tests are because I read somewhere that by the time you get a positive result, you may have already ovulated and you really may only have a few hours to conceive. And of course if you're taking the test in the morning (like I am) I can't really attack my husband while he's getting ready for work. Well, I could, but considering how he's always in a hurry in the morning, I don't know if I'll get any results.
So, anyways, because I can't be 100% sure with the ovulation test, I decided to start with the "trying" part this weekend so we've kept busy for the past couple of days, just in case I ovulate early. But we weren't really careful about positions or lifting my legs afterwards because I did not really think I was ovulating, we were just having fun.
Honestly, I don't feel any ovulation symptoms right now, so I'm a little confused. I wish there was an easy way about this; it would make things so much easier. Sometimes, I'm pretty sure that I'm ovulation because I feel cramps (like PMS) on one side of my abdomen and I feel a little nauseous and have a sticky discharge. But sometimes I have no symptoms whatsoever. It's just very hard to play that game.
I was talking to one my co-workers the other day - his wife is pregnant and due in a couple of weeks - and he told me that they had been trying to get pregnant for over a year but his wife has had some "women" problems and one day she was at the lab getting an ultrasound and the doctor said: "I see an egg in your ovary right now so you better run home and get busy." So she called him at work and he rushed home and that month she got pregnant. I wish I could have an ultrasound every day and someone can tell me exactly when I'm ovulating.
I'm just hoping we can have as much sex as possible this month naturally (without pressure) and this way I'll increase my chances. I really don’t want to go to the doctor but if things don’t work out this month, I decided I'm going.
So today is day 14 of my cycle and I took my first ovulation test. I did a lot of online research before I bought the tests a couple of months ago, reading reviews and trying to find the best one, but eventually I ended up buying the CVS one - it's easy to use and not very expensive and comes with 7 test strips. It seemed to work fine the first month I used it so hopefully it works again this time although I've been a little concerned with some comments that by the time you get a positive result it may be too late. I guess you just never know whether these things work until you actually get pregnant
I took the test first thing in the morning and unfortunately nothing. My test line was actually so faint (it's supposed to be dark red when you're ovulating) that I'm a little concerned. On day 14 I should be fairly close to ovulating (normally, my cycle is 28-30 days) but it didn't seem so on the test. I wonder what's going on with my body. I'll continue with the tests though and see what happens.
Just in case, I'm trying to have as much sex as possible even if the results come negative, just to increase my chances. Last night I almost threw myself on my husband... He's been kind of tired recently and not in the mood very often so I feel like I have to be extra sexy to get things going but the thing is that we've been having so much sex since we started trying 8 months ago (compared to before) that it does not feel as exciting anymore. I never thought I'd say this but here it is... Every time we get close to ovulation time we both know that we should be getting busy so the sex feels more like work than like wild abandon. Well, maybe not really work, but it's sort of quick and predictable and we sort of go through the same motions every time and I never seem to be able to get as excited as non-ovulation time sex.
Being in a nice hotel always gets us in the mood very quickly (when we were in college we used to spent the night in a hotel at least once a month and hardly ever left the room during those stays so I think that's how this whole hotel thing started) so I was thinking maybe spending the night outside of home will make us forget it's ovulation time and just get us in a sexy mood. But the thing is, we can't afford to spend several nights in a hotel and how do you know which night is the best for conception? Maybe I'll wait to get a positive result on my ovulation test and the reserve a room for that night... I wish there was a way to know in advance...
On a different note, I've been meaning to get back to yoga for a few months now but every month I keep thinking, maybe I'll get pregnant this month and yoga will be just too much effort, so I keep putting it off but then, of course, I'm not pregnant. A year ago, I used to go to yoga twice a week pretty much every week and, once you get through the first month, it just makes you feel full of energy. There's a lovely yoga studio right next to my office that does lunch-time yoga, which is very convenient since I cannot be bothered to do any exercise before or after work. So I'm thinking maybe I should really start doing yoga again, it may clear my head and make me feel more positive. It's just so hard to get back on track after missing almost a year of classes. I kept saying that I'm not going back because of the possibility of being pregnant, but I never thought that getting pregnant will take so long so I really should just force myself to go back and stop with the excuses.
Yesterday was day 16 of my cycle and when I took the ovulation test in the morning I got a positive result, which was very surprising since the day before I got a very faint line and I thought I will be ovulating late this month. The good news was that we had just had sex earlier that morning. But I've read some posting that say that those ovulation predictors are not super accurate so getting a bright line may mean you just ovulated or you're about t ovulate or you may ovulate up to 48 hours later.
So in any case, I knew it was a good time to conceive so I decided to book a nice hotel to spent that night and have a romantic evening (with lots of action). I spent 2 hours searching through various web sites trying to get a reasonably priced hotel in the Washington DC area for that night but the cheapest I found was $260!!! There was no way we could afford to spend that for 1 night. What a bummer! I got frantic checking out any possible travel web site for last minute discounts and finally gave up and went home in a bad mood.
To make a long story short, I was in a bad mood all evening because I knew that night was a very fertile time for me and that put all the pressure of "it's now or never" but the result was that I could not get myself in a sexy mood the whole night and my husband had a problem with his allergy so he didn't feel very sexy either and finally we both just got so frustrated and I ended up falling asleep on the sofa with no action at all.
Damn it - this thing is not supposed to feel so much like work, all planning and thinking about it and stressing. But I know that if I miss the opportunity this month I'll have to wait for a whole other month and that's making me very frustrated. Knowing that you're only fertile for about 48 hours each month makes me wonder how some people conceive from a one-night stand or when the condom breaks once in 5 years. I'm starting to think there are all myths created by advocates of abstinence. I mean, come on, there are thousands of women every month doing everything they can to conceive with no success and then there's some couples who pretty much had one sexual encounter without a condom and, boom, got pregnant.
This morning I woke up a little restless and took another ovulation test and it came back positive as well (don't really know what it means to have positive results 2 days in a row) so I pretty much forced myself to get in the mood and have a quickie before we went to work. But I had no time to lift my legs or lie still afterwards because I had a meeting at work so I can only hope that it worked. God, sex is so much better and fun when you're not trying to conceive.
Everybody says that you have to stop obsessing about conceiving and just have fun and it will happen but after 9 months of trying it is just impossible. Now I know how people feel when they complain about not having a boyfriend/girlfriend and everyone tells them to just live life and not obsess and it will happen. You can't stop! It's not a switch you can turn off. Even when you tell everybody you've stopped, you still think about it.
Anyways, I'll try to keep positive and hope something happened this month. By the way, if you ever want to read a great book about trying for a baby, read "Inconceivable" by Ben Elton. I read it years ago when I wasn't even thinking about babies and I thought it was hilarious and heart-warming at the same time but now I'm planning to re-read it soon. I'm sure I'll see thing from a different perspective now.
On Friday I took another ovulation test and that one came negative so I knew by then my ovulation was over. We did manage to get some action during the important days so now all I can do is sit and wait and hope I did get pregnant.
The first week is OK because I know there really wouldn't be any symptoms right away (implantation supposedly takes 7-10 days) but during week 4 I usually drive myself crazy checking my body for symptoms - touching my breasts to see if they are tender, waiting for any little cramps or feeling of nausea and, the telltale sign of pregnancy, the "feeling tired". Last year, when I had a chemical pregnancy but was pregnant for a little over three weeks, I had some of the other symptoms (including frequent peeing, slight nausea and increased discharge) but I never felt tired like all the other pregnant women. The doctor said probably the chemical pregnancy was due to low progesterone, which also causes the tiredness so I am pretty much desperate to feel tired as a sign of a real pregnancy.
I've been taking pre-natal pretty much from the beginning of this cycle and I also started taking vitamin B6 last week (I've been taking 100 mg but I'm thinking of increasing it to 200 mg because I read on several web sites that B6 is one of the best vitamins to take for fertility. Last night I also started using the progesterone cream again. It's supposed to be a natural way to increase progesterone levels without the side effects of hormone medications. I used it for a few cycles last year but did not get pregnant so I stopped using it but decided to give it one last chance. Basically, I've decided that if I don't have a vital pregnancy this cycle I am going to see a doctor and start checking if everything is OK with me and my husband. So, keep your fingers crossed!
I went out for lunch this weekend with my friend H. who just had twins last week. She had a C-section and was feeling a little rough the first couple of days but a week later she is in great shape and says she's been on her feet since day 4. She said she just feels some tingling and dull pain from time to time but nothing else. She even plans to go back to the gym in another week. The babies are adorable - they are so tiny (the boy was 7 lbs and the girl was 6.3 lbs but they lost some weight right after the birth) and when they were lying in the stroller their little heads were twisted to the side because they have no neck support. They slept through the entire lunch and the girl was even smiling in her sleep. I was scared to hold her because she's so small but just looking at the two of them makes me want a baby of my own even more!
Today is day 7 after ovulation and I'm anxious for any sign of a possible pregnancy. So far - not much. I did feel sleepy the whole day yesterday but that was probably because we lost one hour on Sunday and technically I had to wake up at 6 am instead of 7 am. I also felt a little indigestion and minor cramps a few times yesterday but nothing else. My breasts feel fine (although I was poking them a little this morning hoping they hurt), I am not exhausted, I do not have implantation bleeding and I don't have to pee more than usual. I guess I'll just have to keep waiting.
I ran out of vitamin B6 yesterday and went to CVS to get some more but they did not have it so the pharmacist recommended getting B100 which basically is 100 mg of several types of vitamin B. Some of these I already get through my pre-natals so I'm hoping I don't overdose on vitamins. He said it's not possible... He asked me why I needed so much vitamin B and I mumbled something about needing more energy because there was a line of at least 5 people behind me and I didn't feel like explaining my ovulation issues to all of them
I was riding the metro this morning with my friend V. who had a baby in December. She said her breast milk stopped a few weeks ago and she is now feeding him only formula. Apparently the formula is giving him indigestion and he's been having trouble pooping. She said she never in a million years expected to be closely examining someone's poop. The things you talk about when you have a baby... At this point I don't really care about having to deal with poop, sleeping less, feeling nauseous and all the other stuff - I just want a baby!
On another note, my brother is coming tomorrow. He lives far away and I only get to see him once a year so he's coming to stay with us for 3 weeks. I'm excited because I don't get to spend much time with him. But, we live in a 1-bedroom apartment and it will be a little cramped for a while. I hope we don't have to TTC next month because it will be hard with him seeping just a few feet away from us. Keeping my fingers crossed.
OK, so today is 8 dpo and I still have no pregnancy symptoms. I had stomach cramps yesterday afternoon, nothing major, just like PMS but lighter but they were gone by the evening. I know 8 dpo is still early but I am so desperate to be pregnant that I'm searching for anything. Maybe next time I'll start charting my temperatures, although that will give me one more thing to stress about.
This whole TTC process has been very nerve-wracking. I try to pretend like I don't care that much, that it hasn't even been a year and that it will happened when we don't think about it but it's sooo hard. All this stressing about symptoms and searching for any sign has made me very irritable and snappy. I snapped at my husband a few times yesterday for almost no reason and he got very upset because he said my attitude towards him has changed recently. I know I've been very irritable for the past couple of months and he's the last person I want to be mad at but he is just the one I see most. I'll have to make an effort to be super-nice to him, he doesn't deserve my *****iness.
My brother is coming in today to stay with us for a few weeks so I hope we don't end up getting on each other's nerves at the end of his visit. I'm so happy he's coming; I need to try to be nice to everyone and not mad at them because I'm not pregnant.
Today is 9 dpo and no pregnancy symptoms in sight. I did have a splitting headache 2 days in a row but doubt that it's related to being pregnant. I'm really disappointed because I truly believed this month was the month. We had lots of action right before and during ovulation, I pinpointed my ovulation with OPK, I've been taking pre-natals and B6, everything was the way it should be.
I was really hoping I won't have to go to the doctor and start the whole "why am I not getting pregnant" saga but looks like I may actually have to do that. Urgh...
Nothing new to report today unfortunately. Every morning I wake up hoping that I've developed some pregnancy symptoms but it's 10 dpo today and nothing. Is it too early to have symptoms? I really have no clue.
When I had my chemical pregnancy I did not develop symptoms until after the day my period was due but then again that pregnancy wasn't viable and maybe that's why I did not have many symptoms. I spent hours reading other people's posts on very early pregnancy signs and of course could not make any conclusions. Half of the people say that they felt nothing at all until their period was about a week late and the other half say that they knew shortly after ovulation (these are probably the people that check their bodies every day, just like me).
My mom said she had no symptoms whatsoever until she was 3 months pregnant, but she was only 22 and she got pregnant on their honeymoon so she wasn't even looking for symptoms. My friend V. who gave birth a few months ago said she started throwing up about a week after she missed her period and my other friend H. conceived after an infertility treatment so she knew she was preggo right away. So no help there - different people, different stories I guess...
I wish we were able to find out right away - it would make life so much easier!
We want to go play paintball this weekend if the weather is nice. I've never gone before and I'm a little scared because one of my friends says it hurts when the ball hits you. But it's supposed to be fun so I'm keeping my fingers crossed for lots of sun on Sunday.
So today is 14 dpo and something weird is happening with my body. I spent the last 3 days holding on to the last shreds of hope that I may be pregnant and waiting for something, anything that could be interpreted as a symptom but, unfortunately...not much. My breast felt a little tender and I had lots of discharge over the weekend but yesterday the discharge was gone and my breast were not nearly as sore as I think they should be if I'm pregnant so it didn't seem like I was pregnant.
This morning when I went to the bathroom I noticed a brownish discharge - not a lot but enough to stain my underwear. My period was not due until tomorrow at the earliest, so this discharge is very weird. It probably is my period, which totally sucks. I'm a little worried though because when I had my chemical pregnancy last year, that's how it started - with some brown discharge for a couple of days and...then all the bad stuff happened.
So I'm worried that the same thing might be happening again although then my period was almost 2 weeks late so I was definitely pregnant and now it's not even time for it to arrive. I know those chemicals pregnancies can come anytime between implantation time and a couple of weeks later - it just means that an embryo was created but it never properly implanted and was expelled from the body. I never even knew about this before it happened to my but the doctor said many women experience this at least once in their lives but if they are not closely monitoring their body they don't even know it. So I'm worried that it may be happening again. May be I should take a pregnancy test tomorrow - I know that during the chemical pregnancy your HCG levels go up slightly for a couple of days and then they fall.
I wish I did an HPT this morning, it would have saved my lots of worries, but by the time the discharge started I was already at work and I don't have a convenient place to go buy one now so I'll just have to sit and wait. Gosh, this whole getting pregnant thing is so nerve-wracking! We did have sex last night and I know that we had sex the night before my chemical pregnancy ended but I just don't see how they could be related. Women have sex way into their pregnancy and it's no risk of the baby, maybe I'm just reading too much into this.
We went to a picnic this weekend and half of the people there had babies so everyone was playing with them and saying how cute they are and I felt so sad inside. All of the babies were between 1 and 4 months old so if I had had a normal pregnancy in August (instead of a chemical pregnancy) the baby would have been born in March I am so attracted to babies now, especially since we've been having such trouble conceiving, it's almost masochistic. Urgh, I just want to have a baby, is that to much to ask?
On another note, we did not play paintball because it turned out that you have to reserve a field at least a week in advance - this shows you how novice we are So, I'll try to make a reservation for the week after next week, hopefully it works out., The weather has been nice the last few days so hopefully by then it will be warm and sunny and we can get a tan while playing.
I've also been really busy at work - one of my employees is leaving and I'm getting resumes from people that are interested in the job. This is the first time when I have people working for me, so it's very interesting being on the other side of the fence - looking at resumes, choosing candidates, interviewing. I got a lot of resumes but some of them are so far off that it's actually funny. Do people even read the required qualifications? If you graduated from college last year and have been doing nothing but mowing lawns for the past 9 months why on earth do you think we'll pay you $40,000 to start with? Or, another one of my favorites, a woman with 10 years of experience during which time she changed 10 jobs and has been at her last job for only 9 months. That screams problems to me. So, out of the 9 resumes I got yesterday only 3 people are even remotely qualified to come for an interview. Will keep you posted on how that goes.
Turns out nothing weird was happening to me on Tuesday - I was just getting my period. A day early at that! It's a bit of a weird period because I had a day of very slight spotting, which turned into two days of very heavy bleeding with some blood clots and today it's just slight bleeding. God, I never thought I'd pay so much attention to my period, it was always a thing that comes and goes and those were the designated "no sex" days but that's all. Now, I pretty much know all the details...
I will call my doctor to make an appointment to see him about the whole TTC issue because I am now very worried that something is wrong with me. When I had my chemical pregnancy the doctor said that the good news is that at least we can get pregnant but I'm starting to doubt that now. We've been trying for 9 months already and for the last 3 months we've been doing everything we can - lots of sex during the right time, vitamins, testing for my ovulation, etc. and nothing happened so I may need some medical assistance. I just want someone to tell me what's going on. I'll also ask the doctor to schedule a sperm count for my husband - anything and everything until we find out what's happening. I am usually a control freak so not being able to do anything about this drives me crazy.
On a more positive note, my got some good candidates for the job that I'm interviewing for so hopefully I'll be able to find a great person that I like both personally and professionally. Apparently unemployment in the DC area is very low and most people manage to get jobs quickly so there aren't as many good candidates per job as I expected. I was actually rather surprised to get some pretty weak candidates in the beginning but then I went to all the local colleges and universities and posted the job for their alumni and since then we've gotten some better ones. I'm sad that Rebecca, the person who had that job before, left because she was a great employee and we got along perfectly. But she found a job where she'll be making $15,000 more so I can't blame her. Maybe it's time for me to look for some new venues - I've had my job for 3 years now and I love it and love all of my co-workers but I know I could be making a lot more money in another company. I've been hesitant to look because I thought I would be pregnant by now and it's not a good idea to change job which you're pregnant but since nothing is happing on that end, I might as well explore my opportunities. It's so hard to leave when you love your job...but I can't afford to be so underpaid and overused for long. Good thing that my husband is making a lot more money so we can afford to live in DC.
I just got an email that we'll be closing at 3 pm today - great news! I better go back to working because I still have tons of stuff to do and to finish up my mystery shop report from last night. I don't think I've mentioned that before but occasionally I do mystery shops in the DC area which basically means that I get to eat in nice restaurants for free in exchange for writing a complete report of my experience. I started doing that 2 years ago and since then I've had a lot less time to dedicate to it (those reports can take 2-3 hours to write) so now I only go if the restaurant is really nice. Last night my hubby and I went to this very trendy Asian-themes restaurant in Georgetown called Mie N Yu. It's rather pricey but the food is great and all the tables are decorated like something from Arabian Nights so it's very intimate and romantic. But I still have not finished my report so I'd better go.