Sorry I have not written anything for a few days - I just came back from Las Vegas and had an awesome time! My period finished halfway through my trip and it's still too early to start trying again (one more week until ovulation) so I've had a few fun days without thinking of the whole pregnancy issue. Of course we could have had fun sex in Vegas (this place is always a turn-on for me) but we shared a room with my brother so no chance of getting any action.
I did call my doctor today to schedule an appointment to get checked and was told that the earliest she has is May 10 - almost 3 weeks from today! Since I'm not pregnant and it's not an emergency I guess it's not a priority for them. My doctor works in Georgetown University hospital and they are always very busy so it's hard to get an appointment and that's why I've been thinking of changing doctors. This whole trying to get pregnant issue has been full of anxiety and the last thing I need is to wait for a month before I even see a doctor. So I got the number of one of my friend's doctors - he is part of a big practice of OB/GYNs so I'm going to call him tomorrow and see if I can get anything earlier than May 10. I just don't want to wait that long considering that it's probably going to take weeks of testing to figure out if anything is wrong with me and maybe put me on some pills or what not. So I'll let you know tomorrow if anything works out with the other doctor (I hope so!)
I had a great time in Vegas it was my brother's first time there so me and my husband re-lived our first time by visiting all the sights - the fountains in front of the Bellagio, the volcano in Mirage, the MGM lions and all the things that make Vegas Vegas. It was very windy so the pirate battle in front of Treasure Island was closed as was the rollercoaster in NY/NY. As a matter of fact the winds were so strong that the water from the pools was sprinkling all over so we did not get much time by the pool (too bad as I was hoping for a nice tan...) But we had a great time gambling (I'm a little addicted when it comes to gambling) and actually managed to make some money. Not a lot, just a couple of hundred bucks but my brother made over $600 so overall we're in good shape. While we were there the Treasure Island was hosting the Miss Hawaiian Tropic pageant so we saw all the candidates walking around the hotel, which made my brother very happy Unfortunately looked like most of them were there with their boyfriends who were 20-25 years older than them so it just makes you wonder...
I got back to work today and had my first interview for the Marketing Manager position that we have available. The girl was very interesting, very friendly and had a lot of good marketing experience but just seems a little overqualified. My boos thinks we should make her an offer right away but I'm just worried that she'll stay for a few months and then leave for a better paying job. Our job is fun and a good learning experience for someone 1-2 years out of college but for someone more experienced it may not offer lots of growth opportunities so I have my concerns about this girl. But we'll call her for a second interview next week.
One of the other people I was supposed to interview today cancelled last minute because she got another job offer and I'm interviewing 2 people tomorrow but none of them seems that great so I'm not expecting much. I got several great resumes today and I want to speak with these people as well before I make a decision but my boss thinks that if we don't make this girl an offer early next week she may get snatched by another company. I don't know, I just want to see some more people instead of hiring the first person we meet but we'll see how things work out. I am still upset by the fact that most people that apply for the job are asking for a lot more money than I'm making and some of them call us back to tell us that they got job offers from other companies paying them a higher salary - it just finally hits me how underpaid I am so I may be updating my resume very soon.
Oh, apparently TomKat finally had their baby, baby Suni or something like that, born yesterday in a hospital in LA. So apparently reason won and Katie convinced Tom that she should give birth in a hospital, good for her! Although I think that baby will be rather messed up with a father like Tom, all this Scientology stuff seems very odd to me. And while I was gone Gwyneth gave birth to baby Moses 6 weeks early. Now, only Angelina is left and I won't have to see all these pregnant celebrities everywhere and rive myself crazy wishing I was pregnant too. Well, looks like Angelina will be giving birth in Africa, who would have thought? Stay tuned...
I called my friend's OB/GYN today and they were super nice to me. I told them about my chemical pregnancy and that I've been trying to get pregnant unsuccessfully since then and the receptionist was very understanding and she said she was going to try to fit me in as soon as possible. So I have an appointment with one of their doctors for May 5 - a whole week before my regular doctor was able to see me, which is a long time if you're desperate to get pregnant. So I'm hoping that finally someone can figure out why I'm not getting pregnant or what exactly is going on with my body because I'm tired of trying to figure it our myself.
I had lunch with my friend with the twins today and we were looking at pictures of the babies in Eastern costumes - they are less than a month old but they are sooo cute. My mother-in-law always tells us that we're likely to have twins because there are a lot of twins in my husband’s family and I used to tell her to stop saying that because I was absolutely terrified of the idea of having two babies at once. But now when I look at Holly's babies and they are so sweet and she handles them so well, I can't help but think that I'd be OK with having twins. I really just want to have a baby, one or two doesn't matter, they are adorable and I can't wait to have one or two of my own.
I was reading about Britney Spears last night - apparently her baby fell from the high chair and had a minor scull fracture so everybody is talking about calling the child protection services, possibly taking the baby away from her and what a bad mom she is. I wish they would just leave her alone! I'm not a big fan of hers but I know it's hard to raise a first child and deal with a husband who's not there and on top of that having your every move photographed so I totally feel for her. I'm sure she's doing her best to be a good mom and the paparazzi should just give her some space. There are much worse moms out there and no one is going after them. When I was in college my then boyfriend had a friend who had a baby, maybe 8-9 months old, and when we went to his house once the baby was lying on a blanket on the hardwood floor with the dog lying right next to him and licking one of the baby's toys. It was just awful! So don't waste your time on Britney - she is a better mom than many others!
On a pregnancy note - just when I thought that all the pregnant celebrities (except for Brangelina) have given birth turns out that Fergie is preggers too - looks like less than 3 months. And apparently Christina Aguilera and her hubby are trying to get pregnant. I wonder if celebrities ever deal with the whole TTC issue. It seems like they magically conceive as soon as they decide they want a baby. Even actresses who are in their 40s seem to get pregnant right away, how do they do that? J Lo is the only one that I know has been trying to have a baby but is not pregnant yet. Who knows, maybe me and her will conceive at the same time
I had another interview at work today. I really liked the girl - she was very bubbly and energetic and had a great vibe. She didn't have much marketing experience though so I'm not sure whether my boss will like that, I know she liked the candidate from yesterday a lot. Too bad the girl that I saw today is going away for a week and cannot come back for a 2nd interview until end of next week - I know we need to hire someone ASAP so we may have to make decision before she comes back. I still have a few more people to interview so we'll see how it goes.
"I've been on spinach omellettes for breakfast, spinach salad for lunch and sautéed spinach with every dinner. If the spinach doesn't help me conceive, I'll still end up with Popeye-sized muscles" - this is what J.Lo recently said in an interview. I can't even tell you how good it made me feel when I read this that I'm not the only one doing weird things in the hopes of conceiving. Looks like J. Lo. has been having some trouble in the baby-making department as well, so I'm going to keep checking up on her. This whole process sucks but it probably sucks even more for her being scrutinized in magazines every day. Good luck J.Lo!
By the way - thank you all who left comments on my blog. I never knew that people actually read my blog until I checked my stats this weekend and noticed that almost 300 people have read it. And I read all the comments - you cannot even imagine how good you made me feel. I appreciate all the advice and encouragement and just knowing that there are other people out there in the same situation makes me feel a lot better. So, keep leaving me comments, I really appreciate it. Oh, and thanks to the person who told me to do ovulation tests in the afternoon - I'll try that next month. I did notice that doing them in the morning was not very effective because I seemed to get a positive once ovulation was under way and it was almost too late.
I had an up and down weekend. On Sunday was the Eastern Orthodox Easter so my husband and I went to church on Saturday night (I only go to church several times a year but this is one of the major holidays). I saw an acquaintance of mine who used to go out with one of our guy friends but they broke up around Christmas because he started going out with some one else so I had not seen her since. Well, imagine my surprise when she showed up in church with him and sporting a big pregnant belly. Turns out that they had sort of "farewell sex" the night when they finally broke up and she got pregnant that night. She said she had always used protection before that and this was the only unprotected sex they had. So she told him about the pregnancy he was super happy and they got back together and now live happily ever after. This was just a little more than I could take! How can she get pregnant after just once especially is this was while they were braking up? And of course everyone was oooh-ing and aaah-ing around her pregnant belly and she was glowing and I just wanted to throw up. I am happy for them; it just hurts too much to see someone get pregnant so quickly without even trying. Well, that was not a good Easter...
On Sunday we want to play paintball, which actually was a lot of fun and made me forget about the whole pregnancy thing. We went to a place called Hogback in Leesburg, VA. I had never played paintball before and I am sort of a girly girl but I had a great time and it felt good to get a little dirty and crawl in the mud (it rained the day before so the grass was very muddy and slippery). I think paintball unleashes some primal instinct in people to be a shooter and a hunter (even though I would never actually shoot a real gun) and I got so into the game that I didn’t even notice when the 3 hours were over. But I have to say it really hurts when the ball hits you. I now have about a dozen bruises all over my body so I'm glad it's still not summer so I can cover up with clothes. Otherwise, people may think I got beat up by my husband
On the TTC front - I decided to take a little break this month from really trying and just have sex when and how we want to. It's not to say that I'm not going to be thinking about conceiving but I just decided that we needed some fun sex for a bit, especially since I'm going to see a doctor next week I might as well just wait and see what he says. So I'm not doing ovulation testing this month (although by my calculation I should be ovulating tomorrow or Wednesday) and I'm trying not to stress. We had sex on Friday and Saturday (nothing yesterday - we were too tired from the paintball) and if we are in the mood today or tomorrow then great. If not, then I'll just try not to think about it and wait for May 5th. I wish I could see the doctor earlier but I guess nothing I can do about it. By the way, thanks to the person who left me a comment about waiting to get checked by a doctor for 5 years and finally being ready to try again. I will send you a personal email and I do wish you all the luck in the world! Keep me posted.
I have a feeling that I'm ovulating today but unfortunately very little chance of having any TTC time. Some months I just feel like I know when I'm ovulating because I get slight cramps, just like before I get my period, and they last for 1-2 days so I'm convinced that's related to ovulation. Besides, I'm 13 days past the start of AF so it's about the right time. As I mentioned, I'm not doing any testing this month so I'll just try to take it easy (I know I'm fine now but in 10 days I'll still be stressing and looking for any symptoms).
My hubby and I had sex on Friday and Saturday but nothing since then - Sunder we were too tired from the paintball and yesterday we both worked late and got home, watched some TV and fell asleep. I tried to wake him up in the middle of the night for some action (that's my favorite time) but he was fast asleep And this morning he had to be at work early so nothing again. I guess tonight is the last chance and then it's over, so I'm not very hopeful about this month. At least I'm going to the doctor next week and hopefully we'll have some answers then because I'm tired of this emotional roller-coaster.
I know lots of people now are adopting babies and I wish I could say that I'd be OK with adopting but I won't. I really want to be pregnant and have my own baby, is that too much to ask? After reading tons of messages and blogs from people who are TTC in their 20s and 30s I am convinced that it's much harder to conceive now than it was 20-30 years ago. I don't really know what it is but there seem to be thousands and thousands of healthy, young women in great relationships who have been TTC for 1-2 years and still nothing. Just makes you wonder what changed...
On a more positive note - I interviewed a girl on Friday that I really liked and she came for a second interview today and everyone really liked her so we are going to make her an offer. I hope she takes it because she seems to have a great personality and good marketing experience and I feel like she will click with all of us here so I hope I made the right decision. Will keep you posted.
Oh, and thanks to the person who left me a comment about Brooke Shields not being able to conceive for a long time. I have to admit I have not read her book and I did not know she struggled with infertility so I'd definitely try to read it soon. It's always good to hear how other people deal with things that you are experiencing.
Despite my expectations, we did manage to squeeze in some TTC action last night so who knows, maybe there is a chance. I doubt it, but I have to keep thinking positive thoughts (I hope I don't sound like a motivational speaker). I am pretty sure I ovulated yesterday or today because the timing is right and I had mild cramps yesterday and lots of discharge today. I guess that's as good of an indication as any ovulation kit.
My hubby and I were really tired last night and not really in the mood so I figured I'm not going to push it (and believe me, I have tried to rape my husband before So we just spooned and I dozed off when my husband woke me up and started caressing me out of the blue. I could tell he was ready for some action (we were spooning so I could feel it, if you know what I'm saying) but I was very sleepy so we had a super quick quickie and then I fell asleep. I don't know if that's enough to make me pregnant but one can always hope. Nothing else seems to work...
It's my birthday on Friday so I'm already stressing out what to do. I know birthdays are supposed to be fun and they are but there's always this pressure to do something fun which doesn't always work out. I love to travel so in the past I've always preferred to go somewhere for a long weekend instead of receiving gifts. I have a lot of stuff anyway so I'd rather just see a new place or go to the beach. But this year, my brother is staying with us and we just came back from Las Vegas so I'll be spending my b-day at home. I want to have a BBQ and invite some friends but some of my good friends will not be in town this weekend, so it may be just a small group. So maybe we'll just go bowling or play board games or something - urgh, like I need one more thing to stress about!
It's my birthday today, turning 29, so I'm in a really good mood. Been getting a lot of congratulations from my co-workers and I think they are doing a cake party for me this afternoon so I'm happy. On top of that, the girl that I interviewed on Monday and really liked accepted our offer so she's starting in a week. And, the girl that was my 2nd choice for the job decided to accept another position in our department so I'll still be able to use her for some projects so overall it was a good week!
On the TTC front - we did have some action on Friday, Saturday and Tuesday (which was ovulation day, I thought) and I thought we could maybe have some action on Wednesday but when my husband woke my up on Wednesday morning because he was in the mood, I was sooo tired that I could barely open my eyes so nothing happened. I had decided to have a little break from TTC this month (although I could not help thinking about it anyway) so at least I'm glad that we managed to get in some action. Although I'm not really hopeful since I know it was very little action compared to the previous months (we tried to bd every day when it's around ovulation time). Now, we can just wait - the hardest 2 weeks of every month - looking for symptoms, touching my breasts every 5 minutes, checking my discharge - I become a wacko woman I'm glad this month my brother is staying with us and we're doing lots of things with him so this will take my mind off of the whole waiting game. Besides, I'm seeing a doctor next Friday so hopefully will start getting some answers.
I've been reading some posts from other people who are TTC and one woman mentioned that when you can't conceive for a while it changes your whole perspective on things and it's so true. When we first started trying I had a whole plan in my head - we'd start trying in the summer, get pregnant within 2-3 months and give birth in the spring and be able to take the baby out to the beach this summer. Then I'd take 3 months off work and be back right on time for our biggest conference in September. I was born in the spring and my mom always told me how great it was that she could take me out almost right away and that we were able to spend a lot of time out in the sun and she got me all these little cute outfits for summer and that's how I imagined my baby. I was adamant about not wanting a winter baby because of the weather and all the viruses, etc. I also started checking out pregnancy clothes as soon as we started trying and I was imagining myself in these cute maternity shirts and jeans - I thought I'd be a very trendy pregnant woman, sort of like Gwen Stefani. And when I saw one of my friends balloon up to over 200 pound when she was preggers, I kept thinking that's not going to be me - I'll just gain a little weight but I'll keep it under control and I'll look pretty my whole pregnancy and I won't get sick, maybe just a little. Yeah, right... At this point, I don't even care when I conceive and when the baby it's born - winter, summer, I'll take anything. And I don't even worry about gaining weight or looking pretty anymore - I really just want a healthy baby. So, got to stay positive and keep my fingers crossed that it will happen soon.
And by the way - looks like Angelina Jolie is not due until late May. Apparently she and Brad and the kids moved to some preserve in Namibia where she wants to give birth so that her baby has international roots just like her other kids. I like her but I really don't get it - she is probably spending millions of dollars to rent the entire villa and to keep a plane on call and to have her doctor on call. She could have given this money to the poor people in if she really wants to help the country. And besides, this baby is going to have Brad Pitt as a father and Angelina as a mom - how the hell do they expect the kid to be humble and normal?
Today is dpo 8 and unfortunately I don't feel anything different. I know we didn't really try this month but still, we did have some action around ovulation time so there was still a chance. I turned on my "pregnancy symptom radar" this weekend because on Saturday night I was extremely tired and went to bed at 11 pm (which never happens - I don't usually go to bed before 12-12:30 am and of course have a really hard time waking up every morning and for a few seconds struggle with my self not to call in sick). But it turned out to be nothing since I did not feel that tired for the next couple of days so it was probably a one-off.
I've been checking my discharge too - it's pretty heavy but nothing abnormal and my breast feel pretty fine, no weird taste in my mouth, no indigestion...so nothing to give me any inclination that I may be pregnant. When I had my chemical pregnancy last year, I started having symptoms as soon as I missed my period (not earlier but then again that pregnancy did not last so it's not an indication). My boobs started feeling on the day after my missed period and by the end of week 5 were very painful. I also had indigestion and I was peeing every 1-2 hours, and had very heavy white discharge. However, I knew that something was wrong because I did not feel tired at all and I knew all my friends who were pregnant felt extremely tired for the first 1-2 months.
Well, I'm seeing a doctor on Friday so hopefully soon I'll know what's going on. I'm a little cared but I'm more anxious to know. I got a call from the doctor's office today asking me whether I could come in today at 11 am instead of Friday. Well, I would have loved to have I had some advance notice but being that I go to work every day I can't just take time off when I please so I had to decline. I thought that was a little weird but maybe they had a cancellation.
I had a party for by birthday on Sunday and some of my friends brought their babies. The baby twins got the most attention from everyone -they were so cute and peaceful and everyone wanted to hold them and to cuddle them. They are only 6 weeks old so still at the stage when they mostly eat and sleep so they just got passed around between all of my girlfriends and even my brother, who is 24 and very far from having babies, wanted to hold them. I have to admit I was a little jealous, I just couldn't help it. But I know my friend H struggled with infertility for a while and she's now so happy to have the twins that I am happy for her. I just want to have a baby of my own that's all.
But overall I had a lot of fun at the party, all of my good friends showed up, I got tons of nice gifts (I got lots of gift cards including $85 to my favorite store Forever 21) so I’m planning some major shopping in the next few weeks. By the way if you have not yet read the Shopaholic series of books – you have to read them. They are the perfect book for anyone who loves to shop and has been known to spend way too much on clothes and shoes. I’ve read all 5 of the books and I can’t wait for the next one to come out. Maybe this time she’ll be pregnant and shopping for maternity clothes
On Friday I went to see the doctor (finally) which was somewhat of a disappointment. I had not been to that practice before and I explained to them that my previous doctor had moved and had a very busy schedule now so that's why I was changing doctors. The doctor was very sweet and she asked me about my medical history, how long we had been trying, etc but she did not seem that concerned about my inability to get pregnant so far.
She said that one year of trying wasn't really that long and was not an indication of anything wrong. She also said that about 30% of pregnancies end of in miscarriages but many people don’t realize it because they don't monitor their bodies that closely so when a very early miscarriage happens they just think they got their period.
By the way, someone on the blog asked me what a "chemical pregnancy" was. It is basically a very early miscarriage where the egg and sperm connect and create an embryo but the embryo never attached to the uterus and is expelled from the body. It could be for many reasons but usually it's because either there is something wrong with the embryo so it's not viable and was never going to become a baby anyway or because there some kind a hormone deficiency in the mother's body (usually progesterone) to sustain the embryo development. Chemical pregnancies usually happen in the 5th or 6th week of the pregnancy and according to my doctor usually don't indicate any future problems conceiving but I'm still worried that if I had it once I may have it again.
Anyway, the doctor did a very quick exam and pap smear (I think this is standard) and told me that since we've been trying for a year, most insurances will cover the cost of infertility treatments if we want to go that route. She suggested we keep trying for a few more months because we did get pregnant once before (the chemical pregnancy) so she thinks that means we can get pregnant again naturally. But she did recommend two infertility specialists to me and said that if I wanted to I could make an appointment with them and start doing some tests. She told me that she can do the first test, which needs to be done on the 3rd day of my period and they test to see what my reserve of eggs is. After that, I can set up an appointment with the fertility specialist so they can test my husband's sperm and if both of these test don't show problems, then they can start doing more tests.
I know she probably sees many people in my situation and one year of trying does not seem like a long time for her but for me it is a lot and I cannot even imagine waiting a few more months so I'll call the fertility doctor this week and schedule an appointment. I know some people out there have been trying to get pregnant for years but I am just getting so tired of this. It's very nerve-wracking and it makes our sex life a little weird because it feels like we have to do it on command and in certain positions only and then I have to lie for 30 minutes afterwards with my legs in the air - it is just too weird. I wish I was one of those people who got pregnant easily!
My sister in law went to see a Native American healer last week. His name is Ted Silverhand, he's fairly well known in the Native American community and he does healings and is also a medium. My sister in law has been suffering from anxiety for a couple of years now and someone recommended to her to try to go to a healer instead of popping pills because they correct your energy levels, recommend meditations, etc. I was a little skeptical at first but definitely curious about what he was going to say. Most of the stuff that he told her was rather personal so I'm not going to mention it but I have to say that I was amazed at how much of the stuff he said was actually true (stuff that happened in the past and he had no way of knowing). But one of the things he mentioned was that we were going to get pregnant soon and have 2 kids in the next 5 years. After all the disappointments and the waiting, at least that makes me feel a little better and more hopeful. Yes, he could be a hoax, but he was right about so many other things so I'm hoping he's right about this as well.
So I spent the entire last weekend checking myself for pregnancy symptoms and driving myself crazy. On Friday I felt soreness in my boobs but not anything major so I kept secretly touching them at work to see whether they felt harder or larger. Good thing no one saw me, otherwise I would have looked like a pervert So I would just pretend that I was adjusting my bra and touch my breasts with my wrist or the back of my hand. Weird, I know, things we pregnancy-obsessed people do.
On Saturday my boobs were back to normal but so I lost any hope of being pregnant but them on Sunday I felt super tired the whole day and felt like I needed a nap the entire day. That got my hopes up and I convinced myself that I was extremely tired and had to go to bed at 10 pm. But I noticed that my discharge had disappeared and I did not have any other symptoms so in the back of my mind I knew it wasn't happening.
So I wasn't too surprised (but still disappointed) when I got my period on Monday. I know we weren’t really trying this month but you can't help but hope for a miracle. Actually, considering I got my period on Monday, means that I ovulated the Monday 2 weeks ago and we did have sex on the Saturday and the Tuesday around that time so I could have gotten pregnant. But no, not this time either. My period came a day early so I guess this means that sometimes I ovulate a little earlier than I think. Anyways, I'm a little tired of this whole ovulation predicting, sex on command thing. I wish I had a magic wand that would make me get pregnant right away.