On Wednesday I went to the doctor to have my ovulation tests done. She had told me I needed to have that test on the 3rd day of my period. I'm not sure what the exact name of the test is but it basically checks your supply of eggs and the levels of some hormones in your body. It's just a simple blood test (although no blood test is simple for me since I'm afraid of needles) and I got the results on Thursday. Apparently everything is OK - me levels are fine and I seem to have a good supply of eggs. My OB/GYN said this was the only test she could do, for more specific tests I should call a specialist.
So I called the fertility specialist that she had recommended to me and luckily they had an opening for May 23 so I'm going to see him then. I'm anxious to see him but on the other hand I'm a little scared because I've heard a lot of scary stories about the side effects of hormones and that some of the tests that you taka are pretty painful. But I just have to do it; I cannot keep torturing myself not knowing what's going on. My husband was a little hesitant when I told him that I had made an appointment with a fertility specialist and that most likely he'll have to have his sperm tested. He sees that as some kind of failure, like we are not able to do it the normal way and he is also scared that he may be the reason why we are not pregnant, which is sort of a failure for him but I keep telling him that we just need to find out what it is and hopefully everything will be OK.
Well, it's official! Britney Spears is pregnant again! There have been rumors for a couple of months now and some people kept saying leave her alone, she just has not lost the weight from the first baby while others were sure that she was preggers again but I guess she's finally showing too much and she officially admitted it. This boy Kevin Federline must be some kind of a sperminator. I mean, honestly, within less than 4 years he got 2 women pregnant twice. What's up with that? I can't help but be jealous - how do you get pregnant so quickly? Have to check whether Gwen Stefani already had her baby; I have not been keeping up on my celebrity gossip.
I have been pretty busy at work recently and on top of that my brother is still staying with us (he decided to extend his trip by a few more weeks) so I have not had much time to think about pregnancy and babies. The other day my friend H brought the twins to work - they have grown so much in 2 weeks. They're 6 weeks now and are gaining weight by the minute, especially the girl who was much smaller at birth, now is the same size as her brother. H's paid leave is over this week and she's taking another month off unpaid but I guess the reality of going back to work is looming and she told me that she absolutely does not feel like it. She wants to stay at home with the babies as much as possible and she's scared that once she goes back to work she won't get to see them a lot. But unfortunately they cannot afford to live on one person's salary so she's going to have to go back. But I can totally see how I'd want to stay home with the baby as much as I can. When I was born, my mom got a whole year of paid maternity leave to take care of me (that's Europe though, they don't do that in the US ever.)
We went to Las Vegas again last weekend (lost money but had a really good time and got a bit of a tan) and had to take the redeye flight back and go to work straight from the airport so I've been feeling exhausted this whole week. I feel that because I cannot get what I want (get pregnant) I am obsessed about traveling and shopping. I guess I just need to have something positive to think about so that I don't think about babies and pregnancy all the time.
I was talking to one of my good friends from NY today and she said that all of her girlfriends were having babies or getting pregnant all of a sudden and she was starting to feel the baby fever. Unfortunately for her she is graduating from law school this year and she cannot have a baby now because it will jeopardize her entire career. She has to wait for at least 3-4 years until she makes partner or has a solid enough job to be able to afford to go on maternity. It's weird how in some industries it's so difficult for women to have a family. She's always been very modern and career-oriented and she did not plan to have babies before she was 35 but now she told me she is starting to want a baby and has been kind of sad recently. I told her about us trying to get pregnant and she told me that one of her friends just started trying two months ago and is already prego. Damn it, seems like everyone else can get pregnant in a heartbeat.
I am such a planner in my personal life and this is the one thing I cannot plan or predict or really do anything about so it's been driving me nuts.
I think I'll be ovulation this Sunday or Monday so now is a good time to start TTC heavily, but I've been so tired recently and I almost feel like we've tried so many months and nothing happened that I don't know what I'll do this month. I guess I'll try not to push it and be a crazy wacko woman but it will be hard. Wish me luck!
I finally had my appointment with a fertility specialist this morning and unfortunately things did not work out very well. I had made the appointment a couple of weeks ago, had all of my paperwork filled out and was eager to get some answers. I got to the doctor's office 15 minutes early for my 9 am appointment and was a little shocked to see that the waiting room was full of at least 10 other couples. Apparently the doctor was running late... I signed in and waited...and waited...and waited.
Finally, at 9:45 the doctor came out to get me. He looked over my medical history (no major issues), asked me a few questions about my habits (don't smoke, don't drink, exercise occasionally) and then gave me a pep talk that his success rate is over 60% for women in my situation (under 35, no major health issues) so he's sure that I'll get pregnant quickly. He told me to schedule a semen analysis for my husband and a sonogram and HSG exam for me and that was it. I was out in 15 minutes. He was very positive (although in a very learned manner) so I felt pretty good about him and on top of that I noticed he had been on the cover of the Washingtonian magazine several times as one of the top specialists in the DC area so I walked out of his office in a good mood.
Then I met with the nurse to take care of the details. She gave me a lot of papers to look over and told me to call the office on the first day of my next period. The sonogram is done on a particular day of your cycle and the HSG has to be done after my period is over and before ovulation. I guess the HSG is a little painful because they ask you to take 600 mg of ibuprofen before you go. Bu they say it only hurts a little, like cramps. The semen analysis is the fun part my husband gets to do. As the nurse said - we, women, get to be poked and probed, and the guys just have to masturbate looking at porn magazines, how unfair!
So now on to the bad part - I went to check out and was told that my insurance does not cover this visit so I'll have to pay the full amount in full, approximately $300. Needless to say I was very surprised because I had checked in advance and the doctor was covered by my PPO plan. So I went to the billing department to see what's going on and the woman there told me that my insurance covers exams but not fertility consultations and once you are diagnosed with "infertility" they do not cover anything. I told her I was not aware I was diagnosed with infertility and I was referred to them to have some tests done to find out whether I had infertility. She was very rude and told me that if I have been trying for a year and not gotten pregnant I was considered infertile. I got very upset and asked to see a manager, which wasn't much help at all. I told her that they were supposed to check with my insurance beforehand and inform me if there were nay problems to which she responded that they tried to call the insurance but they must have written their number incorrectly so they could not call them. Considering I made my appointment 2 weeks prior, they had plenty of time to call me and get the correct number, but she said that people are human and make mistakes. By that point I was just outraged by their rudeness, upset that I had to pay over $300 and just generally very emotional so I told her that I do not agree with what they are saying but I will pay the money if I have no other choice. I just wanted to leave! She continued telling me that it was my fault I did not contact my insurance, even though I had already explained to her that I did and I had no way of knowing that I was going to have a "consultation" and not an "exam" which is covered but I was very sad because of the way they were treating me. So in the end, they agreed to try to submit the claim and see what happens but I doubt the insurance will change their mind. So now I'm stuck with a bill for $300 for a 15 minute "consultation" that did not help me any at all.
I am also sad to find out that my insurance has such stupid rules, which means that either I give up the fertility tests or I pay for them myself, which I don't think we have the money for if one 15 minute exam costs $300. I'm thinking of calling the doctor that saw me after my chemical pregnancy - he told me that he could put me on hormones if I wanted to but he would rather wait and he could also do some tests right there in the hospital for me. So maybe the insurance will accept this because it's technically not "fertility treatment". Which reminds me that I have to call the insurance and see what's going on. I'm very bummed out today...not a good day!
I'm a little sad again...trying not to be but I'm not a very patient person and this whole TTC business is just driving me nuts. I knew I was going to ovulate on Sunday or Monday so I was happy that we had sex both on Saturday and on Sunday morning thinking that we can get the momentum going for Monday. Well, last night I noticed lots of clear stretchy discharge and I knew it was ovulation time. I put on my new sexy pink underwear and I jumped into bed, started kissing my hubby, we got sort of hot and heavy and then when we got to the actual action my husband just could not do it. Performance problems, if you catch my drift. It was very awkward and disappointing because I knew the timing was perfect but nothing happened. We tried to get things going for a bit but I did not want to push it and I had to pretend like everything was OK because I did not want my husband to feel bad so I just said that I'm tired and need to go to sleep and that was it.
So unless something happened on Sunday, then we did not accomplish much this month. It totally sucks that you have these two days each month and you're supposed to have as much sex as possible during that time and once they are gone, that's it. You have to wait for a whole other month and worry and check and be anxious. Why did God do that to us??? I know when you're young and you want not to get pregnant it seems like every time you do it you could get pregnant but in reality that's not the case. And with every month gone by I just get a little less positive and a little more anxious. And I want to not pressure my husband into having sex on demand but knowing that tonight is the best night out of the month and not doing anything about it makes me very angry.
Oh, well, nothing I can do about it, we'll just have to wait and see. Another thing that worries me is that most of the time after we have sex the sperm seems to drip out of me right away. We try to do it in positions good for conceiving and I lie down with my legs lifted afterwards but when I stand up I feel like it all just drips on my legs. I wonder if that could be the reason why I'm not getting pregnant. But then what do I do about it?
Today is 10 dpo and unfortunately I have no signs of pregnancy yet again! This is just so disappointing; I'm tired of this waiting month after month for nothing. I feel like God is not allowing me to have any kids yet and I know there must be a reason but I can't help being disappointed and upset every month. I'm almost at a point where I don't care because I can't keep torturing myself. There a lady writing a blog who has been trying for 9 years - I think that is the hardest thing in the world to keep your hopes up after 9 years. I really hope she succeeds and I hope I never get to that point, that would just kill me.
We went to Paramount's Kings Dominion this weekend (I had some free tickets from work). I am scared of roller coasters so me and my husband spent the day at the water park while my brother and my friend went to all the cool and scary rides. I wish I could go on the roller coaters but even the smallest ones make me get panic attacks so I would never dare. I did go on one when I was in high school. We were on a school trip in Austria and went to one of the big theme parks in Vienna, the Prater, so we all decided to go on a roller coaster. I had never even seen a coaster before and thought it would be loads of fun. Well, a few seconds into the ride I felt so sick and scared that I thought I was going to faint. I barely made it to the end of the ride (not that I had a choice) and then stumbled off of it and almost had a breakdown. So I've not dared get on one since then. I even get slightly sick on the Ferris Wheel
While we were in the water park I started feeling tenderness in my breasts so I got excited thinking it was something. But the tenderness subsided by the end of the day and I have not felt any other symptoms so I'm bummed.
I called Georgetown Hospital and made an appointment with the doctor who saw me after my chemical pregnancy. I hope there is some way he can help me without going through a fertility specialist because I just cannot afford one at this time. The earliest appointment they had was June 28 but I'll take whatever I can.
I still have to call my insurance to see what's going on because I read the full coverage details and it says that they cover tests related to infertility but not infertility treatments. You just never know with insurance companies, they always try to rip you off so I need to call them and at least try to have them cover my tests. Ugh, like I don't have enough to worry about.
Well, AF came with a vengeance again yesterday and I've been cramping so badly that I could not sleep at all last night. I sort of knew that I wasn't pregnant because I did not feel any pregnancy symptoms during the past week, but you know, you always hope and think that maybe, just maybe, this month will be the month.
AF was supposed to come Sunday or Monday and I spent both days checking my panties every couple of hours for any signs, but nothing. And then yesterday I felt crappy the whole day, very irritable and headache-y so I knew what's coming, I just didn't want to admit it. Well, last night it came. God, how I wish you would just give me a baby and not make me go through this month after month after month.
It's our 3 year wedding anniversary today but I fell so bloated and very crampy and grumpy. I wish I could spend our anniversary pregnant and hopeful but instead I'll be tired and grumpy. My husband was very cute this morning, he woke me up with kisses and wished me a happy anniversary and told me that everything will be OK. I just think it's so unfair that we love each other so much and we are in a great place in our lives, have our own place, etc. and the thing that I thought would be the easiest piece of the puzzle is just not happening.
I was talking to one of my coworkers yesterday; she's the only person at work who knows we've been trying to get pregnant. She told me about one of her friends who married her high school love and were TTC for over 3 years and nothing would happen. She was diagnosed with some problem with her Fallopian Tubes where only one of the tubes is working. So a few years into the marriage she finds out that her husband has been cheating to her and he wants out so they split up, she's devastated, moves back in with her parents. To make a long story short, a few months later she meets a guy, they get married shortly after and she gets pregnant right away and she is due in a few weeks. My friend just went to her baby shower.
So I can't help but think - if God is not letting me get pregnant, there may be a reason for that. What if my husband and I are just not meant to be together? What if something will happen in the future that will explain why we did not have kids? All these thought are racing through my mind today and making me worried. I should really try to think about something happy on our anniversary.
Well, apparently Brad and Angelina are selling the pictures of their baby and donating the money to charity. I wonder why people would pay so much money to see a baby. I mean come on, it's a little baby, you're going to get lots of pictures of her later on, why do you need to have her on every magazine's cover? I'm glad that he baby was finally born - I was tired of reading about it, it seems like this baby's life was chronicled since the time of conception. And Gwen Stefanie had her baby last week as well. I hope this is the end of all the celebrity pregnancies that everyone was talking about for months and months. I have to admit I like torturing myself by reading about them, it's like a sick attraction, but in the end it just makes me feel bad about myself. Oh, well, we still have Britney and her second baby, how could I forget about that. Hopefully she'll drop her excuse for a husband by the time the baby is born and go back to being Britney again. I hate it when women lose themselves after they marry scmucks!
I have not called the fertility doctor to schedule my tests - I don't really know what to do because we just can't afford to pay for all the testing ourselves right now. I've been meaning to call my insurance company and check all the details with them because the policy says that they pay for tests related to fertility but not for consultations and treatments. But I just have not had time to call them (I hate dealing with insurance companies) and frankly I've just been ignoring the whole thing. I was supposed to schedule the tests on the first day of my period (which is today) but I guess we'll have to wait for the next cycle until I resolve the whole insurance issue.
After I got my period this morning, I looked on the calendar and noticed that my next ovulation is due around June 21-22, which is when we'll be on vacation which would have been perfect, except that my brother is coming on vacation with us My brother is 5 years younger than me and still lives with my parents in Europe so we normally only see each other once a year for a couple of weeks so we invited him to come over and stay with us for a bit. Well, it was supposed to be a month, which got extended to two months and then, with summer coming and the opening of our pool, we decided to just have him stay until the end of June. This is great because I get to spend a lot of time with him, but at the same time we live in a one bedroom apartment and we’re sort of starting to get on each other’s nerves sometimes. And it sucks that we probably won't get any TTC opportunities during our vacation because my brother will be there with us. Thinking of this made me really emotional this morning. I have to face it, as much I try to pretend I'm fine, I'm just really really sad that I'm not pregnant yet again.
Sorry I have not written anything recently. I just haven't been in the mood to write and I'm trying not to think about TTC or obsess about it too much. I don't think anything happened this month because we went on vacation the week of my ovulation, which would have been perfect TTC timing but my brother was with us as well so we had very limited opportunities to do anything.
We tried to have sex on a couple of occasions but it was very distracting having my brother sleep in the next bed and trying to be super quiet (very awkward, believe me) so we sort of gave up, it just didn't feel right. Plus, we were in Vegas (one of my favorite places) and we were doing stuff non-stop during the day so by the time we got to our room early in the morning we were happy to go to sleep. I think I'm sort of trying to find excuses why I'm not getting pregnant, but this month I would have to really be pushing it to get enough action while being in the same room as my brother so mentally I gave up.
My brother is going back home today so starting tomorrow it will be just me and my hubby in our apartment again. I know it would be perfect to start TTC again but I'm definitely going to miss my brother. We live far away from each other so I usually only see him for a week every year and it was nice to spend more time and do thing together once in a while. It was a difficult adjustment in the beginning, having a third person live in our 1-bedroom apartment, but by the end of his stay I got so used to having him near me that it will be empty when he leaves. He is flying back in a couple of hours; I couldn't even take him to the airport because I've been out of the office last week so I have tons of work, so I'm a little sad. Just trying not to think about it too much.
This also means no more excuses why I'm not getting pregnant and the pressure will be back full force next month because we should have plenty of time and space to TTC. So I'm a little scared, I hate the waiting to ovulate and the pressure to be in the mood on those specific dates and then the waiting for symptoms and checking your body every second. I know that God will give me a baby when the right time comes but I can't help but wonder why is now not the right time, why do I have to wait for so long, why?
I was reading one of the gossipy magazines on our flight back from Vegas and it was full of celebrity babies and happy moms. And, of course, Britney with her big tummy and her short skirt (you can't take the trailer park out of the person no matter how much money they have). And Angelina, looking so happy - it's difficult to believe she was the same person who said she cuts herself and French-kissed her brother. She just glows talking about her baby. Everyone is wondering whether Nicole Kidman is preggers...like I really need another celebrity that's 10 years older than me to get pregnant so quickly.
By the way, if you ever go to Vegas, do NOT stay at the Caesars Palace!!! We had such a bad experience there. We've stayed at the Palace Tower there before and were pretty satisfied but this time we were put in the Forum Tower, which is just a shame for a hotel of this caliber. Our room was very old, the carpet had a lot of stains and everything smelled of mold. The water pressure was horrible and there wasn't even a desk to put my laptop on. When we complained, we were told that for the price we paid ($195/night) that was what we got. We could upgrade to the new tower (Augustus) but it was going to be $75/night more. No, thanks. Next time we will spend our money in another hotel - there are plenty of good ones around Vegas. It's just not worth paying fore the Caesars name, so overrated!
So I had my appointment at Georgetown University Hospital yesterday with the same doctor who saw me after my chemical pregnancy. I really liked him and I knew he was covered by my insurance so I wanted to see if there was anything he could do before I poured tons of money into fertility treatments (not that I have the money anyway).
His name is Dr. Udwin and he's a young and very upbeat guy so I was looking forward to the appointment. As soon as he saw me he asked me: "Are you getting depressed by all the pregnant women out in the lobby? I know it can get really tough." He totally understood how I feel and told me that I basically have 3 options. I can go the fertility treatment way, but he did not recommend that yet because he said at 29 I still have time to conceive naturally so it's worth trying. Or, I could get a test (forgot the exact name) where they put dye in my tubes and check for blockage. He said the test is pretty painful and there is a very small chance that my tubes are blocked because I did conceive at least once before (my chemical) but most women start with that test.
Or, the third option, is to start taking Clomid for a few cycles and see how that goes, and if nothing happens after 3-4 months I could do the test then. He warned me that there is a risk of ovarian cancer associated with Clomid but it's usually for women who take it for over 12 months and he said he would not recommend me taking it for that long. He left the decision to me and I decided to go with Clomid for 3 cycles and see how it goes. He told me there is a 5%-9% risk of multiple pregnancies with that but I'm ready to take the risk if it works. I'm a little scared about the side effects though because the few times I had takes birth control pills in the past I've had some very strong headaches and bouts of nausea but I really have no choice. So he gave me a prescription for Clomid and asked me to call him after I'm done with the first cycle to report how I'm doing. You take the pills for 5 days starting on the 5th day of your period and, according to the doctor, we're supposed to have sex like crazy for a few days as soon as I'm done with the pills.
I told him that sex is not nearly as fun anymore and he was very understanding. He said this is called medical sex and most couples who are TTC are going through this. Basically, just sex on demand. He told me not to worry and drink some wine before sex to get in the mood if I have to (I don't really drink wine but a strong bloody mary will do He knew it's pretty tough on both partners to have sex under pressure but what can you do...At least he didn't tell me to just relax and it will happen, which I'm tired of hearing.
So I got my prescription for Clomid now and I'm waiting for my period. It's due on Tuesday, July 4. I don't think I'm pregnant this month because I have no symptoms and we really only had sex once during ovulation so I'm not thinking about it much. It's actually kind of liberating, not thinking whether you're pregnant and going crazy checking your symptoms. I'm a little worried about the Clomid and wondering how other people have felt while taking it. Will have to check the boards for stories and keep my finders crossed that everything goes well.