My name is Candice and I lost my first pregnancy June 23rd 2004. DH and I are both 29 years old. He has 2 girls from previous relationships but I chose to go to school and wait until I got married before I had a baby of my own. I have wanted children for as long as I can remember. My mom, little brother and Oma (grandmother) died 8 days before my 15th birthday in a car accident which left me as the only survivor. I have lived with different family members and learned a lot about my relatives. Unfortunately, I learned that they are just people and that I would never be a part of a family again the way I was with my own.
Kareem and I met just over 3 years ago. It was not a good time for me. I wasn't exactly in a relationship but I was still thinking that things would work out between me and this guy I had dated, been engaged to but was now on a break from (his choice)...Basically he chickened out of marrying me, claiming he wasn't ready and then met a new girl that didn't require anything of him. Kareem (DH) was great but I met him on the night that I found out Mike's (EX) new girl not only lived in the same 3 floor building right below me but was an acquaintance of a friend of mine.
Anyway....ugly time to meet a new guy. Kareem was the first guy I dated after Mike and part of our relationship was a way for me to get back at Mike. Kareem, himself was in a weird place relationship wise too. Not really with the mother of his youngest daughter but still connected in a way. What a beginning huh!?!?!? Anyway...we dated for about 3 months and after the first date Kareem and I both realized that there was a strong connection between us. Unfortunately, I wasn't quite ready to give up on Mike. I actually wrote in my journal that I wished Mike could be more like Kareem. Kareem made me feel special, like a priority and listened to. I was extremely attracted to him but besides being unsure of what I really wanted, I did know that I wasn't all that interested in dating a guy that had kids never mind 2 of them. Not only that but they were from 2 different women and it just seemed to go against everythign I believed in. Like I mentioned at the beginning, I went to school and wanted to wait until I got married before starting a family.
Anyway, September 11th happened, things weren't changing with Mike and I started having stronger feelings for Kareem. I decided to go back to my home town of Toronto. I rented a house with my cousin and tried to sort things out. After about 8 months I decided to move back to Windsor and begin graduate school. I ended up emailing Kareem about 5 months after I got back to town just to say hi and see how things were going. We ended up calling each other once in a blue moon to b*tch about our relationship troubles (can you believe I was still hung up on the ex!!!) I never thought I would be with Kareem and we honestly spoke no more than once a month...as friends. Eventually, I ended up dating a few other guys and then finally realized that I was tryong to fill a void before dealing with the main cause. I ended up ending the piddly relationship I had with Mike and any other relationship I was in. I decided to focus on school and told myself that when the time was right the right guy would come into my life.
I had seen Kareem twice since I had moved back. Once he stopped by b/c he said he was in the neighbourhood and the other time we happend to be stopped at the Canada/U.S. border beside each other. After finishing my Master's courses I started at the Faculty of Education to get my teaching degree. After my first day of practice teaching and having chaperoned the school dance I felt like going out. I had spent the whole night talking to this handsome yet married police officer and we really shared a lot about our past relationships and where we were at that moment. I had told him that I was not going to get with any man until at least January (this was at the end of September). Anyway, I called Kareem up when I got home and asked him what he was up to and when he said nothing I asked him if he wanted to go out. He was across the border in less than a half hour. We talked and talked and that night was the first day of our new relationship. We were never apart and soon after we knew we would be together for ever.
I don't even really remember talking about marriage. Just that at the end of November he spoke about his plans for my birthday which was January 9th. He really wanted to take me to Niagara Falls and asked me if I might want to get married while we were there. I remember that we thought we would eventually get engaged but probably not until the summer. Well, I said sure, why not and the plans for our wedding got started. When we got back together I had a clear mind no longer confused by any other relationship. I realized that despite having two children, Kareem was everything I had ever wanted in a man. Together we brought out the best in one another. His daughter's were amazing and I told myself that this was in God's plan for me. I had wanted a family for so long and here I was with one that really needed me. We get to see the girls every other weekend and Kareem is everything a loving father should be. I couldn'e ask for better step children.
We got married the day after my birthday in Niagara Falls with our closest family in attendance. By the 26th, I was off b/c and we knew we wanted to try for our first child. I actually got pregnant pretty quickly after being on b/c for 11 years. On my 4th cycle we found out that I was expecting. Words can not express how happy I was. Funny thing is, I always had a feeling that something wasn't right but I didn't know how I was supposed to feel so I just prayed that everything would be ok. Two days before Father's day I started spotting. I stayed in bed the whole weeked. The girls (Taylor-8 and Jasmine-6) were over and they knew that something was up. I went to work on Monday and with standing up the bleeding got heavier and by 10am I knew I had to go to the hospital.
Kareem doesn't leave for work until 2pm so he was home and came to pick me up. He had actually gone to all of my appointments so far and was as excited as I was about our plans to have a homebirth with a midwife. I don't know what I would have done without him. Well, we were at the hospital for almost 8 hours. I was pricked and poked with needles fifteen times b/c they were unable to get any blood out of me. The transvaginal ultrasound showed no fetus in the sac and I was told that I was having a miscarriage. An appointment was made for me the nex day with an OB. We left the hospital and I called my aunt to tell her what had happened. I explained everythign the doctor had told us but when she asked me how I was doing, I brokr down and had to get off the phone. That was really the only time I cried hard. From then on I told myself, much like I did after my mother's death, that all the cry in the world wouldn't change what was happening.
Kareem once again was able to come with me to the doctor. This doctor was amazing unlike the emergency doc. He explained everything, was sensitive and really made me feel like he cared. He gave me three options for the miscarriage and I chose to take some meds that would help to bring it on. On June 22nd, I was at a workshop through my job and near the end I really felt like I had to go to the washroom. I went and when I sat down I noticed that the pad I was wearing was filled with blood. I hadn't brought my purse out with me so I couldn't buy a new pad. As I sat there, I could feel something come out. I finished up and when I stood up with my make shift tp pad to look into the toilet...it flushed automatically and whatever had come out went down unseen.
I thought I had miscarried and I was in a daze. I went to the front desk and asked for a quarter or a pad if they had either. The girl gave me a pad and I got myself back together and went back to hear the end of the workshop. I went back to my job and told the 2 women I work with what had happend and they made me go home. The next day there was a big fireworks show that is put on by both Canada and the U.S. to celebrate July 1st and July 4th. Kareem had taken the day off work so he could watch the show with me. We live right at the river front so we only had to go to the end of the street to find a seat. Earlier we had gone for a walk and I had decided to have a cooler with dinner cause, shoot I wasn't going to be pregnant much longer anyway!!! We got there a little early. Kareem had gotten a little mixed up with the times so we were actually 20 minutes early. That was ok b/c there was a lot of people to look at and things to keep us busy.
Right before the fireworks began I started to cramp. I rocked gently back and forth but it got worse with time. I watch maybe 2 minutes of the show and then stated matter of factly that I had to go. I got up and walked away from my husband. I was halfway home with Kareem struggling with our belongings behind me and I hunched over in pain. I could barely make it. I finally got in the house and made my way to the bathroom. I had a bout of the runs and then went to bed. It was now about 10:30pm and the cramping got a lot worse. It felt what I can only imagine beginning labour pains would feel like. They would come and go at regular intervals and it was horrible. Kareem stayed with me through it all but didn't really know what to do. I could see the firworks outside my window and it seemed fitting somehow.
The cramps lasted about an hour and a half and then were over. I don't remember anything after that. I woke up at about 3:30 am and went to the bathroom. As I started to pull my underwear down I felt something come out onto the pad I was wearing. I sat down and looked at what was left of my pregnancy. Kareem came in to see if I was ok and I showed him. I wrapped it in tp and flushed it down the toilet and went back to bed. The next day, the realization of what had happened hit me. I still went into work, I actually felt fine. I felt unpregnant. The heaviness I had felt pregnant was gone. I felt a void. I did a lot of looking on the internet about miscarriage. I didn't seem to feel the same as many other women seemed to. I really mourned the loss of the pregnancy more than anything. I missed being a pregnant woman. I couldn't exactly mourn the baby b/c with a blighted ovum the baby never really existed. I bled for a few more days and then waited impatiently for AF to arrive. The old hag seemed more like the fairy godmother.
August first marked CD 1 and I started temping and thinking about TTC again. I felt unsure though. I was 30lbs overweight and had not gotten a full time permanent teaching job. I felt selfish for wanting to get pg so soon. Kareem and I had tried to look on the bright side of things when we lost the pregnancy and one of the things we both agreed on was that the timing really hadn't been all the great. The baby would have been born in January and things would have been so hectic. Mind you if the m/c had never happened we would have totally been ok with it.
One night I sat in my bed writing in my journal and I felt selfish. Since everything but my relationship was so uncertain, I felt that one reason I wanted to get pg again was so that I would have something to focus my mind on. A pregnancy has an end goal and it is a fairly certain one if things go well. I was angry at myself and so, so sad. I told Kareem when he got home that I felt maybe we should wait until at least Nov. before TTC again. He said he agreed and that was that...for a few days. As my O day approached I began to get anxious. I didn't want to wait!!!! I wanted a baby now!!!! I asked Kareem if we could just see what happens and he could see in my eyes how much I wanted to try for a baby.
I am now only 6 days away from testing and it is killing me. If it doesn't happen this month, which I don't hink it will, I am ok with that. We'll try again next month. I want it so bad though. I want to see two lines and tell Kareem in a much more refined way than I did last time at 6 am. I want to wait until we see the baby before I tell everyone since last time I balbbed immediately. I have been working out regularly and no matter what I am confident that I will be able to work consistently in no time. I have faith that things will work out when they are meant to. I am nervous though and scared. I am scared that it will happen again or that it will take along time to get pregnant this time. I have wanted my own family for so long. It has been almost 15 years since I really had that. Kareem gives me that, don't get me wrong but I want my own baby. My stepdaughters are the greatest but they have their own moms when they go home. I still feel like an outsider. It will come though. I hope sooner rather than later.
Well, I am CD 24 and 8 days past ovulation. I think I will wait until Saturday and yet part of me doesn't want to test at all. I guess I have a feeling that this just isn't my month. I am feeling what could be considered symptoms but then again, early symptoms are so similar to that of PMS. I have been irritable and hot but thankfully no longer naseous.
I hate not having any friends that are in the same boat as me. Sometimes I would just like to talk to someone I am close to about how much I want a baby. Instead, everyone I know thinks that I should wait. I just feel that I have waited so long. It is ironic that I have all this education and yet still no full time permanent position. I am putting all my eggs in one basket for the time being which is teaching high school. I'd really like to see myself working back at the university one day but I think I should get some teaching experience under my belt first.
Today Jackie (Kareem's crazy ex) called his mom to declare that Jasmine had gotten ring worm after being over at our place. What a load of crock. There was a bunch more to it but in the end Kareem decided to call the pharmacy and have them deliver some over the counter topical cream. Jackie is such a wacko and sometimes I really feel like I hate her. It is hard for me not to be mad at Kareem as well, b/c I can't begin to understand what he ever saw in her in the first place. He always tells me that at the time he just loved to party and that was what they had in common. Thank God, Jasmine is a great little girl and a pleasure to have around.
Sometimes, the wait for my own baby is made more difficult by the things the mother's of Kareem's children do or say. They don't realize what a great dad he is to the girls and I can not wait to have him be the father of my kids. As well, I can't help but to think of the *** I had for a father myself and it makes me so angry. My father would stand us up on the weekends he would have visitation, he never paid child support and I can count on one hand how many presents he gave to me growing up. I tried to have a relationship with him after my mother died but after he said really horrible things about her 5 months after her death I just said "enough is enough". These women don't realize how amazing Kareem is in comparison to other dads. Anyway, enough of that ranting.
I am confused about my temps this month. I only took my temps regulary one month and that is the month I got pregnant. I did however, take my temps the last week of the previous cycle and my temps this time around have been so much higher than the last times I have charted. The month I got pregnant my temps continued to go up after I O'd. At the time it was that continuous rise that made me think I could be pregnant. I have looked on fertility friend.com at other pregnancy charts but that isn't necessarily a sign of pregnancy. This month my temps are way above the cover line but are more erratic. I guess I will find out soon enough. I am sure I will be writing in my new TTC journal after this testing period has come and gone...but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I won't.
Wow, that was a short visit. I woke up this morning and decided to take my one and only pregnancy test. At first I saw nothing so I threw it out but decided to check it again just in case. When I pulled it out of the garbage, I noticed a very faint line but it was there. I am pregnant once again and I pray that this one works out ok. Ia m so excited and it is even better to have the due day within a day or so of mother's day. I couldn't possibly ask for anything more!!