TTC Little Pumpkin #1

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TTC Little Pumpkin #1

I decided to make a journal "companion" to my daily pet LiveJournal, because I think my friends are tired of hearing about my uterus and its antics.

So, I've been out of undergrad since August, and became a grad teaching assistant, because the money was better than staying at the Surgical Clinic from Hell for another year, essentially helping people get breast reductions paid for by health insurance. And yeah, that wasn't how I wanted to make a difference in the world.

I basically teach and tutor freshman and senior-level health policy and law, which is nice, since it's my major interest. I hope to go to law school at some point in the near future. I secretly say a prayer for the nice folks at the University of Virginia to think that I'm the bees' knees every single morning, right after I temp and pray for a baby. I'm such a dork.
Then again, I actually threw pennies into every fountain in metro Atlanta before I took the LSAT, and landed a 162 (top 90%). I'm good at wishing.

I got married on January 10th to my best friend and fellow big-dorky-geek, Kohdee. He's a postman, because it suits him well, and actually pays better than most jobs around here. Deep down, he's a film student who realized he'd be happier doing something with his hands. Except for people chasing him for their welfare checks at the beginning of the month, he loves his job.

And since we inherit his grandfather's house at the beginning of the spring, we've officially started TTC. My PCOS is under control, thanks to My New Best Friend (tm), Glucophage, the medicine that makes me pukey and sickly but also makes me ovulate and drop off pounds quicker than you can say "Damn, I'm not hungry!" while puking out the window of a blue VW bug rolling down I-85.

Speaking of my beloved bug, both of his headlights have been out since Christmas Eve. They went out on the way home, 100 miles from our house and my parents', so we had to drive foglights only in the dead of night. Fun! And yet nowhere can fix them, and anytime I call, they're too busy for the day already (at 7am, no less). So tomorrow, I'm going to Columbus to get that taken care of before my birthday, and so I can drive to Birmingham Sunday for my much-awaited California Pizza Kitchen lunch Smile I will pull my birthday-girl hissy fit if I must. I will prove that I am Auburn's answer to Paris Hilton if need be!

I've decided that this is our month, because if I O when I normally do, and account for our first child being a week overdue (like I was), our kid could be born on Halloween, which has always been a lucky day for me anyhow. I met Kohdee on Halloween, dressed up as Wizard of Oz Dorothy, back in 2000.

Plus, I've called Kohdee 'pumpkin' for as long as I can remember. I think he's tired of it, and we need to pass the name on to our kid, quick! We need a little pumpkin baby, darn it!

So here goes nothing. Uterus, watch out! Ovaries, stay like you are! Eggies, get ready! We're gonna make a pumpkin!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I just saw a commercial on TV for a men's store that sells up to size 10XL. I'd love to know what a 10XL looks like! Then again, I'm the kind of person that puts on the biggest size thing she can find in Lane Bryant, just to go "damn, that's too big for me". It's a sad, sick, strange self esteem rush.

I ate what might (read: BETTER BE!) be my last roll of proper sushi for lunch. Kohdee was trying to make me feel better about the arrival of AF (grr!), so he brought me an eel roll (it's raw, and not as icky as it sounds). He said I since I'm not allowed to eat it while pg, it'll be my last sushi for a while!
My hubby, the eternal optimist Smile

Meanwhile, my birthday is tomorrow, and my highly irresponsible friend Jacqui, knowing that tomorrow is my birthday and I will be out of town spending DH's money in an unreasonable fashion this weekend, asked me to feed her flesh-shredding cat, Mikey. Her house is 45 minutes from mine, and 45 from Atlanta. Meaning -- inconvenient, any way you slice it. Plus, she asked at the very last minute possible. I'm kind of irked.

But then again, this is a girl who spent $450 on ugly, trendy clothes last week. I am proud to say I have never owned a pair of $150 Seven jeans. They make your butt look HUGE!

Much to my amazement, I went jogging today. I normally hate anything of the sort, but I am healing my PCOS, dagnabbit, and thus, it's necessary. I've done yoga forever - under my chubby exterior is one amazing ballerina - and I would do more Pilates, if it didn't hurt so bad the next day. I'm trying to lose enough weight so that, when I get pg, I won't hit 200lbs. (I'm at 175 right now, so I'm getting close to my goal).
Perhaps I should start taking these Hello Kitty diet pills.

Obviously, not much to report on the actual TTC front, since the evil witch hag is still here.

I'm gonna go get my headlight fixed now! I swear! I will! I am! Smile

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Visuaize adding one candle to this cake -
because it's my birthday!

I feel so damn old, which is ridiculous, because I am all of twenty now. It occurred to me last night that I spent all my time between the ages of 14 and 19 in college.
I think I should get some kind of karmic brownie points for that.

Plus, AF is here during my birthday. How unfair is that?
*I hate you AF! Go away! Take a 9 month hike! Heave ho!!!*

I got two pair of pajamas last night, and a new robe, from the Victoria's Secret clearance line. Best of all, they're the ones I really wanted, from the Pink line, which they only sold in the big store in Atlanta/Lenox - but apparently, it's here for the clearance, and marked down from $70 to $10! Woohoo! And, the print makes me look like the Zebra Stripe Gum zebra. Always a plus Smile

Other than the birthday excitement, I'm just wishing and hoping for AF to go away so we can go back to BDing and the inevitable unfun 2WW.
Can't wait til I get to give our baby a birthday!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

My birthday was so-so, Kohdee forgot to make us a dinner reservation and then got off late, but we ended up going to Mikata in Columbus. It was really nice once we got there and ate, though. He gave me a new Hello Kitty purse that I've wanted for a while, and we're going shopping in B'ham tomorrow, when we meet my family. Hopefully mom and dad will take me shopping Smile My mother is the kind of woman who shops til she drops...and owns pet Louis Vuitton handbags.

AF is letting up, and we have a new gameplan - we're going to BD every night, and definitely every other night, until AF comes again. Kohdee is 23, so I'm not worried about his count or stamina yet. A friend of his on his mail route brought his baby to work yesterday, and Kohdee held the little girl, and he cried. He's such a big sap, but I love him for it. I know he wants a baby so badly - and I can't wait to give it to him and share our lives with a little one.

He thinks our first will be a girl, based on his hard-core Boy Scout-dom (not only is he an Eagle Scout, but he worked at camp as a leader for years- that's how we met. He worked with my best friend's now-husband). He's positive that, since he wants a boy so bad, nature will play a trick on him and give him a girl first.
(I kind of hope he's right Smile - I've already picked out a Hello Kitty crib set).

On a side note, I feel old, because they're showing a CD called "The Buzz" on a TV infomercial - hits of the late 90s - and they're all my favorites. My age-I-feel versus age-I-am is rather messed up.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
Copied from TTC#1

This morning, we went out to brunch with DH's family and told them we were TTC. We hadn't planned on telling my family (they don't do well with major changes), but since Kohdee's family are usually very kind and accepting, we wanted to share the good news. Instead, I got to run out of the restaurant at warp speed, bawling my eyes out.

DH's mom told us she would be unable to love another baby (!), and that we really shouldn't start TTC for another two years, until they get over the "shock" from his SIL's baby and so that our child won't "steal attention" from hers.

DH's sister is two months younger than me, and due in April. Her baby-to-be's father had a one night stand with her - and while I admire her for giving her child a life, she does not have a job, or a stable life at all. She still parties every night, and has had to move back in with DH's parents. She's one of the most irresponsible people I know - when she needs money, she steals things from DH and her parents.

Should we have to put our lives on hold so that they will be happy with our child? I know intrinsically that this is our family and our baby, and ultimately our decision - but I don't want our child to grow up with grandparents that don't like him/her, or prefer another grandchild over them. I wish we hadn't said anything to them at all.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I can't remember to take my Glucophage. I think it's because it makes me so darn sick that my body has created an aversion to even the thought of remembering where the bottle of it is.

Kohdee and I had a huge fight last night, after I stayed up til 5am crying and upset while he slept in the bedroom. It's just impossible for me to deal with him, and his family, and how I/we've been treated lately. With my family, I expect hard judgment and general crappiness. It's just how they are, your average mid-40s executive types who stayed together for the kids.

But Kohdee's family, with the hard-working dad and stay-at-home-mom in the lower-middle-class mill town are supposed to be different. They're supposed to have some kind of country-from-the-heart vibe, which they - of course - don't.
Especially since his sister managed to get herself knocked up, which compounds our problems to the Nth degree. We couldn't have our May wedding like we'd wished and hoped for, because she would have just delivered and wouldn't that just be awful (keep in mind - we were planning this well before she even thought about an unprotected one night stand).
So I have a wedding dress I've never worn - it didn't exactly go with our lovely courthouse affair - and now MIL insists that SIL should get to wear it when the time comes! My lovingly picked out, full of hopes dress that I can't get my act together enough to put on Ebay - the dumb dress I had wanted to be a bride in, a real bride. Yeah. That one. I guess I've hung onto it hoping we might get a real wedding someday - but instead, I suppose it'll be altered to fit like a sausage casing around SIL.

I don't really feel married, because we didn't have the ritual wedding. I signed a piece of paper and showed my drivers' license. It was a lot like taking a final exam in college, as far as procedure goes.

The problem is that I wonder how his family will react to a baby. It's my major worry. I can deal with them hating me - fine, so I'm a spoiled accomplished young lady from a town 10 times the size of yours. I'm not sure that qualifies me as evil. Nor does the fact that I've studied out of the country (unpatriotic), enjoy Japanese food (ditto), don't work a minimum wage job ("rich") and graduated from college (spoiled).

But if they hate my child, I will make damn sure that they never, ever see it. Certainly not when it's old enough to feel the tension.

I'm just tired of this big fat rough spot on the journey between where-I-am and where-I-wanna-be.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

CD #10, and my temps are being all funny. I think I might go buy a new thermometer to see if that's the culprit.

Unfortunately our BD plan hasn't worked, because Kohdee keeps falling asleep early. I think I need to remind him that I can't make a baby on my own! I need some :bluesperm: :pinksperm: , especially now when the O fairy is looming over me!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Darn, I wish I would O! I want to go buy an OPK so badly, but with all I've heard about how they don't work with PCOS since we have high LH, I'm scared to get one and have it be falsely positive.

I'm on CD 13 and looks like I'm going into the pre-O dip, I hope. We've been BDing like crazy people, and every time Kohdee asks if I think it "took" this time - like I would know! But it's very sweet.

Dammit, uterus, leggo my eggo! Smile

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Today is a sad day. Not only can my body not seem to get it together and ovulate already (dammit!), but my favorite TV show finally ended syndication (5 years after the show itself ended), and Mystery Science Theater 3000 is gone for good. :cry:

Once I O, I'll be a slightly happier woman. Come on!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

CD 29, 8 DPO...

And, we're having our May wedding after all. My aunt offered us her big Southern mansion on top of the mountain, and we're going to do it the right way, with friends and family, etc. My parents really wanted it, and so did I, and while I know it'll upset Kohdee's sister, since she'll be one month postpartum - I'm not putting my life on hold for her.

I've decided to stop temping/microscoping/etc. until our wedding. Even though we're already married, most of our relatives don't know that yet, so I figure I'm going to let mother nature do her job and relax for a few months. I won't be upset if I do get pregnant, but I'm not going to be sad if I don't (ha! yeah right).

Sometimes I feel like I want a baby so bad, but I've seen what DH's sister's pregnancy has done to their family, and I don't want to cause unnecessary drama. I worry that how all this has happened will affect how they will feel about our little one when it comes.

And to top it off, I get to drag my little PCOS butt to her baby shower on Sunday, and be fake happy, and pretend that I don't wish it were me, or that in any logical situation, it would be me...It's going to be tough.

It's hard enough to see pg women and little babies everywhere - it's a hundred times worse when it's someone you can't avoid.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
THAT kind of mom...

I have a confession.

I'm not scared of motherhood, but I am petrified of turning into one of those weird women who gaggle and coo over every move every infant (not their own, but EVERY DAMN BABY ON THE PLANET) makes. I'm petrified of ending up outfitted in pastel gear with crazy 70's Holly Hobbie-style teddy bears all over it. I want to raise a lovely creature who will become an independent adult, not a googly-moogly-bound-for-the-Bates-Motel clingy kid. Somewhere between the spectrum of DH's religious-zealot mother and could-give-a-damn-less-about-her-pregnancy sister, between my workaholic mom and sweet, baking grandmother, there's got to be a happy medium. Someone capable of baby-thought and political awareness. I want to rock our baby to sleep to the Dropkick Murphys, like my dad did with the Stones.

It's one reason I'm taking this temping, etc. break, because the minute statements like "Gimme babydust and BFP!!!!!" come out of my mouth, I know all my protest-marching ideologies will take a hike. First, I will forget that I have a right to choose my doctor (which seems prevalent here?), then I'll forget my career, and ultimately, I'll totally drop myself and Holly will cease to be. Focusing exclusively on TTC seems like it would drive me nutjob, quick. Plus, I really enjoy all the sex. Wink (Deep down, I hate calling it BDing. This is my journal, and thus, it's now sex. Yay for real words, in grownup context).

Kohdee has been bitten badly by the baby bug, more so than me, and I know I'm ready for, and want, a baby. But, I want to stay me. I want to be the cool, punk mom whose kids like the Dead Kennedys as much as Barney. I don't want to shelter them as much as most moms do - it doesn't do any good, anyhow. I want to protect them from the truly eeky while I can, but give them a real life - rats and warts and poison ivy and all. I don't want to be so damn scared of them attending a public school and learning "unGodly things" -- AKA, the facts of life -- that I freak out, like DH's mom, and homeschool them - then go to work and leave them at home to fend for themselves, no knowledge, no social skills, no jack.

Yes, if we have many problems TTCing, if it takes longer than a year, I'll see a doc. I'll go through the motions, hear the grim PCOS statistics again, shove my feet in enough stirrups to stick my legs in that crazy-spread position permanently. But I worry that if this engulfs my whole life,, I'll lose who I really am. Maybe it's the product of a brain jammed full of Gloria Steinem ideology since birth, but I feel like I am obligated to be more than just a mommy. Obviously, it's the biggest goal, but I have so many others. I want to change the world myself - not just spit out a baby and hope it'll do the job for me, while I thrust hopes, dreams, and ridiculous expectations at it like birdseed at a wedding. I also don't want to be one of those people who wants a baby so bad that they neglect the concept of it growing up - becoming a pissed off 2 year old, an independent 6 year old, a 15 year old with a nosering - that they ignore their child past the age of 2.

I guess this is mostly my little rant, because I had to shop for baby shower gear tonight, and deal with a Target full of mommies du jour, complete with too-big strollers and too-dumb kids and parents, all pushing and pulling and grappling for space, like ants in a too-full farm. Right now, I bet their kids are all crying it out in cold rooms, wondering why mommy doesn't give a damn. Ha.

Our kid will wear stuff like this:

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I'm not temping, because I swore I wouldn't and I'm taking a break, but...

AF was due today. The hag is nowhere to be seen. None of that spotting I usually get 2-3 days beforehand, either.

Can't test til at least Monday, because I don't want to budge in on SIL's special day, or feel like crud at it if I get a BFN and be a party pooper.

Sooo... even though I said no til the 22nd, and I'm trying really hard to stick to it...
Kohdee is off Monday, since it's a Fed holiday (so when you don't get your mail, think of him!), and I'm thinking that maybe, just maybe, I'll test then. I just somehow feel weirder than usual, and *TMI* my pee smells funny. One dear friend swears her first sign of pregnancy was a funny pee smell...maybe the hCG?. I wish I could make her smell my pee and tell me...LOL :lol:! Ick.

So, I'm in the ever-so-joyous 2WW limbo. And, I'm making it into a 3WW!
I'm so nice to me these days. Wink

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I discovered last night that I still had a leftover Accu-Clear pg test. Thus, I held my 1st morning pee for a miraculous 3 hours - OUCH! - laying in bed, before I talked myself out of taking it. I have to remember that I absolutely cannot handle the results - either way - until after Kendra's shower.

I don't think I'll make it to the 22nd.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I took a test this morning. Big *insert F word of choice here* Negative. I just couldn't wait anymore. Part of me hopes it was still too early (11 DPO), but I doubt it somehow. And then, of course, I had to face up to SIL's baby shower.

Really, I got through it okay. DH was very supportive, I didn't cry, I smiled and laughed and oohed and ahhed and giggled with the rest of them. I played the role of excited aunt-to-be very well. I was perfectly fine, and happy for Kendra (SIL), until...

When we were cleaning up, someone said "I just love baby showers. I hate bridal showers. They're so greedy and boring!" This is someone who knows I'm having a wedding/shower etc. very soon (we got married with zero hoopla - the hoopla is coming in May). They don't know of my PCOS/TTC/infertility struggle, but still - it's a VERY insensitive thing to say around a bride-to-be, let alone an infertile bride-to-be, right?

And even better, this happened during the 10 minutes DH had to go get his dad's truck to haul his sister's loot in, so I had no one there to defend me or understand. His sister ranted about how she hated being fat from being pg, and how she still can't believe it happened (her pg is unplanned, and her baby's father is still uncertain). I would give ANYTHING to be fat from being pg, and I'm sure all of us would!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

AF = Still Not Here.
Not sure how to feel about that - too nervous to test again, too hopeful to wish for AF. TTC purgatory, as it were.

Bought some Vitex and EPO yesterday, in the hope of shortening my cycles a little bit. Won't take them til the hag comes or all hope of being pg disappears. Along with my prenatal and Met, that brings me up to a staggering number of pills. I still feel like an old lady/crack addict with my box o' meds.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

AF is still not here. And I'm not ashamed to admit that I felt my CP this morning with a white glove on to make sure she wasn't here. No red, pink, brown...nada. My Bloody Valentine, she is not Wink

Today is 14DPO, the event I've been anticipating with equal parts hatred and hope. It's so unsafe, this pesky date. 11DPO is safe...a negative then means nothing, becomes an afterthought. But a negative at 14DPO removes all hope, and...I'm not good with that 'no hope' thing.

And while I write this, John Mayer walks by the ocean on TV, in his latest video. I miss when he was a little secret that us Southern college kids shared, when he played the War Eagle Supper Club and various Charlottesville spots. Back when I was all of 16, and wielded my fake ID like a sword, to cut through lines and get myself and my oddly dressed friends into tiny black rooms that smelled both of beer and fancy perfume.

But now I am twenty, I wear Pink Pepper, and all I wish for in the world is completely different from what I wished for then (although the wardrobe hasn't changed much ;)). It seems...oddly poetic. I suppose.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Testing tomorrow morning! Woohoo!
I just read that your cervix should be somewhat soft in very early pregnancy. That had been worrying me. I'm scared to jinx it and say this could be it, but...hope springs eternal Wink

My non-caffienated Jones Chocolate Fudge Soda, a gift from DH from our new Panera Bread, makes me smile. Smile He may not be very romantic, but at least he's supportive!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I have, somehow, managed to purchase a dud pregnancy test So now, I have to remain in this jittery phase - which feels like what I imagine crack withdrawal would feel like - for another 4 hours. UGH!

Meanwhile, meet my fetus. I hope she's not the only one I ever have.
Cause, heck, she's not even mine. She's adopted.

I adopted a cute lil' fairy fetus
from FetusMart! Hooray fetus!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

2 faint HPTs at home, 2 days apart.

1 doctor's office HPT today, still so faint you have to squint at it.

One beta, with an incredibly low level - 27 - today.

I can't decide whether to be happy or petrified at what will happen next. I keep going from moments of talking to my belly, begging this baby to stay with us, to doing anything and everything to take my mind off what seems to be the inevitable "what if something's wrong".

Once DH gets home tonight, I have to tell him the good/bad news I got today, and get him in on the scariness with me. He's such a weepy boy, and I hate to make him sad, but...I need him.

It feels like we've accomplished something - I AM PREGNANT! - but as if, at the same time, I've stepped into a situation I can't comprehend, filled with the utmost of happiness and complete, unbelievable fear at once.

I need all the sticky vibes that anyone can muster.