Well, I really think I just need someplace to get it all out, so that's why I started this journal...And today I really need to get it all out!!
Today, a parent whose children used to come to our center came by to say hi. She got remarried in May and is now a SAHM. We were close when her son was in my room and so we spent some time talking today. She's pregnant! And she got pregnant her first cycle off the pill...I wasn't even going to say anything about me TTC after that, but one of my friends spoke up and says, "Oh, Alicia's trying to get PG too!" So when she asks how long I've been off the pill and I say since Oct., so just says, "Wow, that sucks." REALLY?? DOES IT??? UGH! Just tired of that.
Jessie, my best friend since we were 6, kind of ticked me off the other night too ~ I was saying how I just get so upset when AF comes every month and she says, "well, you just need to settle down ~ It'll happen when God means it to happen." Now first of all, she has 2 children- her 2 1/2 year old was conceived while she was on the pill and her 11 month old was conceived while she was BFing and using condoms, so she really has no idea what it feels like to have to TRY! And second of all, I don't like hearing the comment about how God will let it happen when it's right. That sounds horrible and I don't mean it to- Don't get me wrong, I do believe in God, I do trust that He is watching out for me. But lately, I have been having a lot of trouble w/ this notion that he'll let it happen when it's my time. Did he really think it was my 15 year old cousin's time b/c she just had a baby? Did he really think it was my 20 year old cousin's time b/c he and his girlfriend have a 15 month old and he was just charged with drunk driving with his baby in the car? I have really struggled with this a lot lately ~ How they are able to do this and I have not been successful yet. It has led to tears many a night. Just getting discouraged I guess...
OK, now that I'm done *****ing, I guess I should back up and share some background of DH and I.
We have been together since May of 2000. We got engaged on our one year anniversary- May 12, 2001 and we were married on August 24, 2002. We are both so eager to start a family, for all the typical reasons, but also for a more painful one. It's a long story, so bear w/ me....
When we met, DH was divorced and had a 9 month old daughter. She was the most precious thing and he had her every weekend and 1-2 nights a week, so she was part of our relationship from the beginning. I loved it. We had a great time doing things with her. Well, about a month after we started dating, we began to notice bruises on the baby when he would get her from his ex's, her crying way more than ever, just things that didn't sit right. She was also consistently dirty, clothes that didn't fit and weren't appropriate for the season when she came from his ex's. It all came to a head one night when DH picked her up and there was a bruise on the baby's cheek that we come to find out was a bite mark from his ex-wife's BF. She told my DH that her BF was just playing around and hadn't meant to do it so hard. Being the kind of person she is, we did not believe this for a minute. At that point, DH retained a lawyer and began pursuing full custody of the baby. He had no trouble getting a restraining order against this BF of his ex's, yet we knew that they were still living together. We were told to document every little detail- her appearance, behavior, etc. when we picked her up, things his ex. said (we caught her in too many lies to count) all to be used in court.
During the time he was fighting for custody, we had the baby more than ever- (We were basically already living together- more nights than not, I would spend at his place) We had her up to 3 nights a week and every weekend without fail. I still loved it and was relieved that at least we knew she was safe when she was with us. We were also told by our lawyer that this could only help us- How could she argue about how much she wanted full custody if she was allowing the baby to be gone from her so much? After about 4 months of fighting for custody and many many stresses (she would take the baby and disappear for days or a week at a time, etc. etc. etc.), she asks DH if he can meet her for coffee. We were very hopeful that maybe she was going to try and resolve it without continuing to go to court and fight.
Well, when DH got home from meeting her, I immediately knew that something horrible had happened. I could tell he had been crying and he just handed me this paper without saying a word. I opened it up to find that it was a paternity test stating that DH was not the father of the baby. It was the most awful thing I've ever had to watch someone go through. He trashed his place, knocking things off the wall and counters, pounding the walls, before finally just collapsing and crying. This horrible ex of his had taken the baby and the man that she knew all along was the father and had paternity tests done w/o anyone's knowledge but her lawyer. DH then had to decide where to go from there.
After meeting w/ his lawyer numerous times, DH decided and was advised to stop seeking custody and drop all ties. At first he wanted to fight it- He had after all raised this little girl from birth- She was 16 months old when we found out. But after careful thought, he decided against it. Our lawyer cautioned him that continuing to fight would be putting himself at the mercy of his ex and she had proved herself to be a manipulative, evil woman with no mercy. She admitted that if had he not tried to get custody, she never would have done the paternity test b/c hey, she was making out good- free babysitting every weekend... Our lawyer told us it would totally be her calling the shots as far as when he could see her. Ultimately this would have been too much of a roller coaster. He also decided that it would better to be out of the baby's life when she was too young to remember him than to keep fighting until she was old enough to know what was going on and wonder about it. We were also told that virtually no judge would award even visitation to DH b/c they would say she was too young to have really bonded and to need DH around. I won't even say what I think about that.
So, the last time we saw this precious little angel was Dec. 16, 2000. It was the day before we found out about the paternity test. We got her pictures taken w/ Santa that day and I can still remember perfectly the little dress she wore. Having to deal with the aftermath of this was horrible- the hardest thing I have ever had to do and this wasn't even my child. I knew it was too hard for DH, so I took down her crib, got rid of her toys and clothes, stroller, high chair, etc. I was so hard, but I never could have kept it b/c I could never use it again- It was HERS. I did save one of her pacifiers, her teddy, first little bathing suit and the dress we had her 1 year pics taken it. I have a scrapbook with tons of her pics that I still look at. I wish we could talk about her, but I know it's too hard for DH. He goes months without mentioning her. I think about her daily, pray for her constantly, and still shed many tears for her.
So, if any of you are still with me, one of the biggest reasons we can't wait to start a family is that we got a preview of ourselves as parents, as a family, and it was amazing. DH was an absolutely wonderful father and I can't wait until he is again.
BTW, to make it even worse, my MIL ran into his ex's mother a few months back and we found out that this sweet little girl has been in and out of foster care b/c her day care staff have reported bruises on her- Ex wife is still living w/the BF who bit her (which we found out was done in anger when she wouldn't stop crying). This just broke my heart again. And it goes back to my questions about God. Why would he let this happen to this innocent little girl? Why would he allow DH to be taken out of her life? I can't make sense of it.
Oh my goodness, that was long. Did anyone make it this far?? Guess I just needed to get it all out..
Ok, what is with all the super fertile people around me?? Today a mother comes into the center and we're talking (her child just moved out of my room) and she tells me that she thinks she's pregnant again. Her children at 3 years and 21 months. She's all upset, saying how unplanned this is, how they can't afford it, they already have their hands full, etc. I just couldn't say much. Cuz all I wanted to say was Be glad you don't have any trouble getting pregnant ~ Thank your lucky stars!! UGH! Just frustrating!
Then I go to Target this afternoon and I was looking at clothes ~ For some reason, the maternity clothes are now smack dab in the middle of the women's clothes. It's just dumb ~ There's a section of women's clothes, then maternity clothes, and then back to women's clothes. ??? Not really sure what that's all about b/c it's not been like that. I saw this cute shirt and then I realized that I had drifted into the maternity clothes!!
This whole temp. taking thing is confusing me. I feel stupid for saying that, because it's not that it's hard, but I'm still getting confused. And today I don't think I can even count my temp. as accurate ~ I set the alarm for 4:30, so I could take it at the same time as I do during the week. So I go to take it and after a few seconds, it stops beeping, indicating it isn't in the right position. So I take it out and start over again. (It had only gotten to 96 something the first time) Well it stops beeping again the second time at 97.4. ARGH!! So, I try a third time and it goes until it's done, but it only came out 97.1, so I think re-doing it screwed it up, so I probably won't count it. Not to mention that I don't need DH sighing all loud next to me b/c the beeping is waking him up. GRRR!! I'm so sorry but it's not like you're the one taking and recording temps. every morning, taking the vitamins and the supplements that are supposed to help ~ You can listen to the stupid beeping for 2 minutes!!!
Not too much going on this weekend ~ I have a bridal shower today for a girl I work with and that's really about it. Just started scrapbooking a book for my grandparent's anniversary of the 4 of us grandchildren, so I'll get some more done on that. It's too darn cold here to do much!! I hope some BDing will warm us up, but DH's back is acting up big time and he isn't able to get in with the chiropracter until next week, so we'll see how that goes...
Well, the bridal shower was pretty fun today. It was for a girl at work, so it was with all my friends from work. There was a girl there that used to work w/us, but got married last June and moved. She's pregnant and her EDD is actually their first anniversary. Man, what is with all the pregnant people around me lately?! Or maybe it's just because I'm noticing them more!!
Today is CD 10, so I should be O'ing within the week. I think I will start using my OPK tomorrow. I am totally not getting excited though this month. It was way too hard last month when I got myself all pumped up and thought I was having PG signs and got DH all excited. Then AF showed up 2 days late. So this month, I am really just staying totally low-key. Yeah, we'll see about that once the 2WW starts...
DH wasn't able to get in at the chiropractor's today ~ He did make an appt. for tomorrow. He's in a VERY crappy mood right now, so I am just hanging out here! UGH! I know your back hurts ~ Just lay down, take some pain med., and take it easy. No really, you don't need to describe the pain every 5 minutes. Wow, I sound like a *****! Just a cruddy day~ My kids at school were just bad today!! They ganged up on me and seriously ran wild!! Tomorrow had better be better!!
No more EWCM today. Kind of disappointed about that! Not that it matters b/c I really doubt DH is up to it tonight. He swears he is, but I can just tell that he'll start out fine and then have to stop. And that just ticks me off more than not doing it at all!!
I'm sick and tired of feeling like I HAVE to have sex because it's the right time, not because I want to. I'm sick and tired of totally not being in the mood and knowing I need to do it anyway. And this whole temping thing...I don't feel like I'm doing something right- My temps seem too low to me and I know I've only been doing it for a couple weeks now, but they are just all over the chart- I feel like there's no pattern. I'm beginning to feel quite discouraged and feel like something is wrong with me....
Still feeling quite BLAH right now...I guess it just basically boils down to the fact that so much of this is totally out of my control ~ Yeah, I can chart my temp and monitor CM, CP, take this med. to increase CM, take this herb, etc. etc. etc. Yet, ultimately, I can't MAKE it happen and I just hate feeling so out of control. SIGH...Think chocolate sounds good for dinner tonight.
Well, I think the day has started to improve-I just got 2 dark lines on my OPK!! WHOO-HOO!! I warned DH that his back had better be cooperative!! I am excited, but not too much so- We were both just so crushed last month when AF showed! At this rate, bases on my predicted O, I may be able to test on my b-day (Feb. 15) What an awesome gift that would be!!! DH and I have a fun night planned on my b-day- going to see a comedien (one man show that's gotten rave reviews- "The Male Intellect: An oxymoron?") and out to a nice dinner. I just may have to test that morning if no AF. Yeah right, I'm not getting too excited...
This just sucks ~ Got my 2 OPK lines and we got into a fight last night, so no BDing...The fight was actually over that. How I only want to do it when it's good timing and all that crap. Whatever. And now he just called from work to apologize and I jumped out of bed to get the phone, so I forgot to temp. Really shaping up to be a great day...I guess I should count this month out...