CD 6 Well, I decided to start using my fertility monitor again, maybe I should wait to see if we have sperm, but oh well. I'm not even sure if the sticks I bought for it will work, I bought them off of ebay and I didn't realize that they expired in 2007, no wonder they were cheap! We were bad on Monday, we were suppose to wait 14 days to BD, but we only made it to day 11. I really didn't want to chance it, but DH was getting very frustrated about it and almost seemed mad (MEN), so I gave in, He was comfortable with doing it, so I figured what the heck. No if something goes wrong I will feel guilty. However, Dr R says they are precautionary measures and that we are not in control.
CD 8 I applied for a job! I have been a SAHM, but I'm youngest will be in school now, so I will be so bored. This job is a secretary at our local school so I will have the same days off as my kids and be home with them at night and in the summer. It would be perfect. Not to mention, it will help us get out of debt. And maybe it will help take my mind off of TTC. I submitted a resume and they emailed me and said I needed to go in for a skills test. Wish I knew what a skill test was so I could prepare, I hate it when I don't know what's coming at me. I don't have very high hopes for getting the job as I have no experience.
CD 9 Well, the other day I decided I would scope and probably not a very good idea this early on. Well, I seen hundreds of dead ones and I was so excited. Well I decided to scope again today and hardly anything. I just about started crying! I cannot go thru this crap again. My dreams crushed! DH said that I shouldn't scope anymore, if it happens, then it happens. I hate it when he says that. But maybe I shouldn't scope anymore or atleast wait a while. Maybe I'm working myself up for nothing, I sure hope so! BLAH!!!
CD 13 Gearing up to O! Although with not much sperm, I don't know why I bother trying! I sure hope things improve. Atleast before the redo we had some motile sperm in which we could have done IVF if we were ever in the financial position to do it. But if things don't improve with this VR we won't even have any motile sperm to work with. I had my skills test yesterday! Over 125 people applied for the job, so basically I have no chance! I knew how to do everything on the skills test except the spreadsheet, I totally messed that up. Oh well, atleast I tried!
CD 17 Well I guess my expired monitor sticks still work. I got peak yesterday and today. I am Oing very late this month, normally it is day 14 or 15.Although last time after the VR it screwed up my cycles, so I guess its doing it again. I can't believe it is August already, the kids go back to school in a few weeks, where does time go? I just want to be pregnant!
CD 20 I'm having a very hard time right now. I scoped again yesterday and pretty much not a whole lot of anything. I seen some dead ones and a couple of swimmers. Not very hopeful for this to work. Some women get pregnant their first cycle after a VR. I can't stand the thought of this not working. But we are a couple days shy of it being 1 month post op. All's I keep thinking is why me, what did I do for this not to work. DH doesn't think anything, just if it happens, then it happens. But me, it takes an emotional toll on and he'll never understand that. I'm just so heartbroken. And nobody understands. I go on two week wait.com alot and i see all of those BFP, and it hurts and I'm jealous and I just sit and think that will never be me. Sorry I'm such a downer today, but I need to let it out somewhere. I hope some miracle happens soon.
CD 21 Not a whole lot going on right now. Thinking I am 8 DPO. Scoped and things are looking a little better. I think I have some sinus thing going on, I have had lots of drainage, so this morning I had the dry heaves. I'm trying not to read into it, I think it's just from my sinuses draining and it probably irritated my tummy. Cuz I'll know soon enough.
CD 3 This TTC is getting so old. My body and mind are so ready to just give up on having a baby, but my heart isn't. I long for a child, a child I may never have. I just don't know how to let go. At the end of my cycle, I am so ready to give up, then when I'm getting close to O time, I have some renewed faith. I don't want it to be like this anymore. I am tired. I wish I could just let it go. Will this feeling ever go away? I want it to. I don't know when I will ever realise that it's not gonna happen. It's been over 2 years that we started trying, and my yearning has only gotten stronger. All that goes thru my head is why didn't these 2 VR's work? Why are we not suppose to have another? What did we do? We are fully capable of raising another child, financially and emotionally, yet we can't have one. Then we have my niece who just found out she's pregnant with her fourth at the age of 22, and she can't even take care of the kids she has and she can't afford another one. It makes me sick and jealous at the same time.
CD 12 gearing up to O. Although I have no faith in getting pregnant anymore. I wish we could afford to do IVF. DH just got a new job and hopefully it's gonna pay pretty well. If we pay off all of our bills, I'm doing it. Until then, I think I'm done TTC. I was watching A Baby Story yesterday and just started crying cuz that's not me! I hate this!