Waiting4ababy

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Waiting4ababy

HI!! This is my new journal, I figured it was about time I started one. I will just introduce myself this entry and some of the stuff that has happened to me in this long road to have a baby.
My name is Jennifer(Jenn) I am 21, and I am married to Kevin who will be 23 May 28. We are currently TTC after loosing triplets last May and June. Their names are McKennah, Lindsey, and Kaleb. I will talk about them a lot probably because, I miss them so much. They meant everything to Kevin and I even though we weren't really planning on getting pregnant. Their were concieve naturally with the help of a condom Smile LOL Smile My pregnancy was awesome with the triplets. The only bad things that happened was at the end of my pregnancy I was starting to retain to much water, and I was just growing to large and I was running out of room.
On May 10, 2002. I delivered my triplets at 11:25. 11:26. amd 11:27 pm. They were so tiny, and they needed so much, but, they didn't give up. They fought every hour they were alive.
McKennah was baby "A" and she weighed 1 lb and 9 ozs, and she was 12 1/4 inches long. Lindsey was baby "B" she weighed 1lb 6 ozs, and she was 12 1/4 inches long. Her and McKennah were identical. It was hard to tell them apart because, they looked so much alike. And then there was my little man, Kaleb he weighed 1lb 8 ozs, and was 12 inches long. He was soo fiesty, I don't know if anyone that reads this has hear a preemie that little cry before but, I did, it was the most quiet sound I have ever heard. It sounded like the faintest cat cry I have ever heard lol Smile (Cat is the closest thing I can think of that it sounds like) Too bad, I would never hear him cry again :bluesad: The next thing that happened was weird. They sewed me back up. And I kept telling Dr Dix to hurry, my babies needed me, but, I still had to go to recovery. That sucked. Sad I wanted to see my babies, I needed to see my babies so bad. All I got to do was here Kaleb cry a little and Lindsey wimper, and McKennah did nothing, I thought she was already passed but, she wasn't. Dr. Dix, and Dr. Sarah Kulhman, requested to talk to Kevin and I before we were allowed to go to the NICU to see our children.. We waited.. later I found out that they took so long because, Lindsey and McKennah had coded and they had to recesitate them... Finally after what seemed to be forever. We talked to the Dr's and they looked at me and said Jennifer and Kevin....the next 72 hours are going to be the worst hours of your life. There is a 50/50 chance that these babies will make it. They then proceeded to tell us that Kaleb is the one that they were worried about the most because, little boys didn't do so well in the NICU. So, we prayed. and prayed and prayed. the next few days were a blur, I don't really remember them, I was in so much pain and the drugs were horrid. I don't really know what happened next. I remember Kevin and I were sleeping, I was getting ready to wake up and go get into the shower and get ready to breast pump my milk...Most of you that have breast fed know that hot water helps the let down....Well, that is what I had to do everytime, I needed to pump because, my body was all screwed up and had no idea what was going on. Also, pumping is nothing like breast feeding. Anyways, I was getting ready to go do my shower and pump and the phone rang....Which wasn't un usual because, we had people calling and coming to the hospital ALL the time. So Kevin grumbled and answered the phone... I don't know what they said to him but, I had the shower water running, and, I could hardly walk mind you, and Kevin came into the bathroom, and grabbed me, and said Jenn, grab the diaper bag(it had my pumping supplies) and told me that we needed to get to NICU. I sobbed, I knew that they had told us. If we were to get a call to come to the NICU it wasn't a good call expecially with the babies only being 3 days old..... We got to the NICU, and Dr. Rose said to me, Jennifer, would you like to hold you baby(Lindsey). I said first I want to know what is going on. They said that they will tell me when I am holding the baby because, she was dieing very quickly. So...They bundled her up, and handed her to me...I didn't really feel like I was holding anything, she was so tiny, and she was so frail...she never opened her eyes, they were fused. But, I knew that she wanted to look at me. They told us that when preemies urinate and they have BM's that they are trying to get toxins out of their system...and that they did some testing and that Lindsey wasn't getting rid of any of her toxins, and that, we needed to take her off life support, I said NO, I will not do that. And they pulled Kevin aside and told Kevin to talk to me, that I was only prolonging death. I cried....I said to wait, that I needed my mom, and Kevins mom and dad, and sister to see her before we took her off life support. They all came, and we all cried, and everyone wanted to hold her...they were passing my baby around like she was some prize or something...So, I took her back and said NO ONE will HOLD HER AGAIN besides her daddy or me. I think everyone understood.

MAN.....this is getting really hard to write. I have never wrote all this before. I will write more later.....I would show pictures here but, I don't know how. I have a album on here the name is waiting4ababy...there are TONS of pics there if you would like to see them.
HUGS~
~Jenn~

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ok, so I was suppost to write the rest of my birth story and the deaths of the triplets but, I don't feel like it. This week is going to break me, I know it is.
Anyways...Today is May 5, 2003 and 1 year ago I was having my baby shower for the triplets. Little did I know that I would be having them before then week was over. I hate thinking about what if I had done this what if I had done that but, I guess that is part of life. Tommorow, May 6th was my last Dr's appointment last year. Why do years have to go so fast? It is like they sneak up on you. It is scary. And Saturday my precious babies would of been 1 year old. That is amazing to me. It seems like yesterday and I was in the hospital having a emergancy C Section. I wish it could be last year and they stopped my labor and I wouldn't be going through this. and my friends and family would be enjoying the babies with me and Kevin.
There isn't much going on in the TTC situation. I am CD 12 and I am not sure if I will even ovulate this month because I was on that birth control. But I did find out that it doesn't even work on large people like me. What was my Dr thinking. What a idiot. I am hoping that it sneaks up on Kevin and I and we do get pregnant this month but, I don't think it is going to happen. Ohh well a February baby will be just fine. I don't care what month it is born as long as it is healthy and it gets to stay with me and Kev for a long time.
I should be cleaning....for this weekend. I am not real excited about this whole thing, But, I have to do it. We ordered their birthday cake from Wal Mart on Saturday. It is going to say Happy 1st Birthday McKennah, Lindsey, and Kaleb, they asked about their little personal cakes and I cried. I don't get to share in that and it makes me so sad. I am in the jealous stage I guess I see all these people looking nasty and they have all the babies and the babies and kids are dirty and I think...Why can't that be me? Why can't I have a baby one that I can care for, keep clean and everything. But, It never happens for the people that want them. I just don't understand why all these people that don't even want babies get them but, people like me can't have them.
Anyways, I think that is enough ranting for now.
TTFN
LOVE and HUGS~
~Jenn~