Wanted:- 1 Princess. ~~~ BFP @ 10DPO!!!

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Wanted:- 1 Princess. ~~~ BFP @ 10DPO!!!

Yep, it's true, we're thinking about baby #5!

I feel kind of odd with the title of this journal, but what can I say?! It's true. We both really want a daughter and I never thought I'd see myself typing or saying this, but we're going to do everything we can to try and sway the odds naturally to get a little Princess!

Of course, if we are blessed with a 5th little boy, then that's great too! But a Princess, well that'd be the icing on the cake of our family really.

I've had some pretty nasty comments about this. Usually from women who have at least one of each gender, so they can never really understand what it feels like to want a specific gender and when they felt it before or hoped for it before, they've probably forgotten how they really felt because let's face it, pain and wanting is something that disappears once you've got!

It's not to say boys are a disappointment. That's not true at all. I love all four of my boys and I'd love another one just as much. Infact I wouldn't change my boys for the world. But I really yearn for a daughter. I'm jealous, I admit it, of all the things I see and read of other Mothers doing with their Daughters. The kind of things little boys just don't like; Hair, make-up, nails, shopping, pretty things. Girl things.

DH feels the same way too. He wants a little Daddy's girl really badly.

To be honest, I don't think it's anything serious. We would love a little boy just as much as a little girl - but you always want what you don't have right?!

Anyway, we sat down today and discussed it in some depth. We really thought I was pregnant this past month until AF showed up early. :roll: I must admit it was an accident, neither of us really feels ready for a baby right now, but it did get us talking and we did realise that we both do want more children.

So the plan is this!

Get into better shape. Start eating properly. Start charting again and see what my cycles are doing. Start taking supplements and eating a girlie diet to try and sway the odds a bit and then come October we might start TTC properly.

So, this journal will be about the run up and preperation to TTC and then our TTC journey.

I'm currently on CD2 and am going to start charting again tomorrow.
My chart is here - http://ttc.fertilityfriend.com/home/48b95

Am currently just weighing up the pro's and con's of various methods of natural selection. I've heard taking Cranberry tablets can help, as can different positions, so I'll probably be back tomorrow to write more about what I'm going to try!

Love,

Sarah-Jean

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It's a bad and sad day here today.

Firstly AF is still in the house, as I'm only on CD3. And that just really bugs me - I hate blood!

Secondly I broke my toe/foot yesterday evening - I don't know whether it's just a couple of toes or my foot too as I haven't checked it out, but I can't walk on that foot. So that's bloody annoying.

And thirdly, the family dog, who's been with us for 13 years and a major family member is sadly being put to sleep today as she's in very bad health and it'd be unkind to keep her going in this state. :cry:

Trying to be brave because my Mum needs me as she's devestated, but feel really sad about it. I'm happy though cos she's had a good long life and a very happy, healthy and fulfilling life full of love and good times... But life just won't be the same without her here. :cry:

I don't really feel like posting much about TTC today. It seems so unimportant compared to what else is going on.

I'll be back tomorrow to talk more about that side of things.

SJ

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I feel like a peice of crap. Reading some of the other journals around and I see so many people struggling to concieve and then hear I am, bitching and whining about how much I want to try and sway the odds to have a girl. :shock:

I'm currently on CD5. Don't feel very well either, my stomach is agony right now. Blah.

I've been looking at things we could do to try and sway the odds a bit.. Seems to be all about cranberry, calcium and some other supplements, diet etc etc etc Oh and timing of course!

So, DH wants to buy these PH test strip things to see how acidic or whatever I am. :-? Not sure how I feel about that but I'll do it anyway I suppose if it makes him happy. I guess it'll be good if I do it and see that my "environment" isn't sufficient for girlie sperm, then I suppose I can try and change it...

He's also seen these kits you can buy in the US. They're several hundred dollars and they don't appear, to my untrained eye, to be anything more then the supplements I could buy at Boots and a douche thingie. Now maybe it's just me bein funny but there ain't no way in Hell I am using a douche thingie. He can go take a running jump on that one!!!

Sigh.... I DO really want a girl. I do, I must admit it. I'd be lying to myself and everyone else if I said I didn't. But this is all a bit too formal and almost clinical for my liking.

So I have to pop so many pills over the next few months people will hear me rattling as I walk down the street. I have to test my PH level or whatever. They I have to chart too, and eat food I don't like, and can only BD at certain times..... COME ON!!! Where's the fun in this???????

Babies and children are supposed to be fun. This whole regime isn't sounding like it'll be fun.

I think he's so up on his high horse about it now because I mentioned the A word. It was only a passing comment though. All I said was that if we were blessed with another boy next time then maybe we could think about permenant fostering or adopting a girl.

Actually that's not fair. I don't think it is that. I think it's just he feels like he's let me down by not "giving" me a girl, which isn't true at all. I love all my little boys and I wouldn't mind having another boy. I'm not set on a girl. I'd like a girl at some point because I feel I'm missing out on all the mother/daughter things that women get to do with their daughters as they grow into women... But I'm not so het up about it that I want to do all this....

I think I need to have another word with DH and just say this isn't what I want. I want it to be natural and fun and if we have another boy I want to be happy about it. How will we feel if we go through all this crap stuff and try really hard and spend lots of money trying to sway the odds in favour of a girl, only to find out it's not worked? How will that boy feel when he reads back my journal as a grown man when I've died or whatever and reads that we really wanted a girl but it didn't work and we "ended up" with him???

How awful. Just the thought of it makes me want to cry for this child that hasn't even been concieved yet!!!

Yeah. I'm happy to take supplements, I'm happy to do the timing thing... But I'm not happy to do it in a clinical way. Where's the love and fun in that????

Argh!

Love,

Sarah-Jean

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Well, I'm now on CD6. I can't find my old bloody thermometer to be able to temp. I've been looking for it for 3 days now... I sw it less then 3 weeks ago - where could it have disappeared to in such short a time???!!!

I desperately want to temp and I want to pay for the full FF membership... It's driving me nuts not knowing what's going on. Especially as I have a serious case of pregnancy fever.

We went to a family gathering (there's another one on Sunday too but more about that later) not long ago and they had a family lunch together and apparently were discussing our choices of family. I couldn't believe it. I mean, what business is it of anyones??? So what, I'm 23 and have been pregnant 10 times. So what if I'm 23, married with four boys ("four boys??? Oh no, I shouldn't like that..." :roll: ). And why the fuck is it anyone's business if we want to TTC baby #5 or are considerig adopting in the future???

Why does this awful family think it is there God given right to question and gossip about my lifestyle choices???

We've got another family event to go to on Sunday. But none of us wants to so I doubt we'll go. Sorry but when DH phones you to tell you is Dad died the other day, he doesn't want to get a frigging invitation to your precious daughters christening (never even got a birth announcement for any of these kids,let alone christening invitations) taking place on bloody Fathers Day. He doesn't want to sit politely whilst everyone fawns over these awful bratty children of yours telling us our boys don't count as Grandchildren because they're not female. And he certainely doesn't want you all fishing for information about us that you can use to gossip with over the next family lunch we aren't invited too.

And me? I couldn't bring myself to go. I couldn't sit here and watch as a big show is made of the "Best Daddy and his little Princess". I'm crying just thinking about it.

You know, we're just planninour 10th wedding anniversary. Because everything happened so fast for us, nobody believed we'd make 10 years together and we vowed to each other that for our 10th anniversary we'd have this HUGE renewal of vows, in front of all the family. We'd book out a whole hotel and have the whole weekend celebrating our love.... The really bad thing is I don't want to do it now. My dream, all those years ago, was that on that day I'd have my son/s and daughter (I only wanted one little girl) all dressed in smart suits and my daughter dressed in a lovely little white dress I'd found... It was all that mattered to me. That small detail was all that mattered to me about our 10th wedding anniversary "do". Where we could celebrate our love for each other and our family.

But our family doesn't have a daughter. And that special dress will never be worn on that special day in all probability. And I can't bring myself to organise the event now. I don't consider myself particularly selfish or demanding but that was my dream. And now it probably won't happen and like our wedding day, the whole thing will seem pointless if it doesn't match the dream.

That's really petty isn't it?

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know when to TTC. I've thought of every option from the diets, to the timing, to the supplements, to the kits, to even sperm sorting... But the reality is, I just want it to happen. I don't want to mess around with stuff like this, I just want to be blessed with a daughter. I've been blessed with boys. Four wonderful boys and I just want God to smile on me a little more and give me some pink. I want it to be natural.

I guess the real reason I started this journal is because I need a place to vent these feelings. If I tell my Mum she just says I'll have a girl next time (she said that with DS2, DS3, and DS4) and that I should give my body a few years to recover from my previous pregnancies. DH isn't much help either.

That's irrelevant to me really. I just love being pregnant, I love having children... I'd probably carry on having children until my body can no longer do it anymore if I had the choice. I don't think my Mum really understands that. I don't think many people do. I just love being a mother, I love having kids. I can't help it!

Argh... I'm rambling anyway now... I wonder if Boots sell these PH tester things, I'm going to go look at their website now and see!

Love,

Sarah-Jean

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Double post...

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God... I'm obsessing again. I was working out IF I got pregnant this month I'd be due on the 13th March... Not good seeing as JJs birthday is the 24th March.... But I Soooooo want to go for it anyway! Blum 3

I suppose I should really wait though. Maybe I'll ask DH what he thinks. Or maybe we should just leave it in fate's hand... I'm sure the timing is pretty accurate for gender selection so maybe if we BD on Thursday/Friday then we'd get our girl? I dunno... Probably not. I'm due to O on the 19th, so that would be 4/5 days out. When we've become pregnant before it's always been as a result of BD right on the day of O, or the day before, so it probably wouldn't even happen.

Quite tempting though! Blum 3

According to my chinese gender chart thingie (which I never believe anyway but it's interesting either way!) I'm more likely to concieve a girl next month (July).... So maybe we could wait until then?! But then I'd be due April 6th... And Tristan's birthday is April 18th.... GAH!!!!

I can't have a May, June, July baby...... I have GhostFest every year in June and next year's is going to be massive. I need to be able to function properly for it...

Oh well.... Wait it is I suppose!

I STILL can't find my thermometer. And I can't afford another one. Am really annoyed cos I saw it only a few weeks ago. I had it in my hand!!!

I have decided if we do wait for later in the year then I am going to take Cranberry supplements, eat a bit more of the girl diet and time our BD. That won't seem too unnatural I suspect cos it doesn't actively interfer with things... We've always become pregnant really quickly, within a month or two of TTC but I suspect if we're BD further away from O (like 3/4 days) then it may take some time... I don't know though.... I'm hoping to buy the supplements and stuff in the next month or so and start taking them now. Along with the dreaded folic acid. Blah. I hate folic acid. I never take it during pregnancy anymore, because the times I DID take it I always ended up miscarrying. Same goes for the times I did everything right, no alcohol, proper healthy food, non of this or that or anything else that's fun.... Only times I ever carried to term were the times I just let go and relaxed and did anything that took my fancy!

I feel bit odd today... Very light headed and dizzy and my BBs are tingling.

I realised yesterday that I hadn't had anything to eat in close to 48hours... Sad I thought I'd licked my ED, but I guess relaxing about it and not thinking about it just makes me worse. It's not that I have food issues. I don't mind eating. I just never feel hungry and if food isn't made for me and put in front of me I simply don't eat. Laziness I suppose.... Don't know. I was shocked though when I looked in the mirror today and saw how thin I am now. :-?

Oh well. Martin has been feeding me up since I/he realised....

Love,

Sarah-Jean

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I just went to write down which cycle day I'm on and realised I have no bloody clue. So went to FF (still can't find the damn thermometer) and found out I am CD8 today. Should have known that really.

It does boggle my mind though when I'm sat here trying to figure out how would best describe today's CM! :shock: Never thought I'd be doing that when I was younger!!! I couldn't decide between EW or sticky.... Kind of a bit of both I suppose, so I put sticky down as EW makes it sound like I'm Oing....

I'm going to college today!!!!!!!!!!

My God, that makes me feel young again! Well, I am young, but I never really feel it anymore. I normally just feel tired and drained. I'm supposed to be starting an Access to Higher Education course in September, and they've got like an Open Evening/Taster Session tonight which I've apparently got to go too.... Truth be told, I'm not particularly looking forward to it, apart from the break it gives me to get away from DH and the boys... That sounds awful doesn't it?!

DH just told me yesterday he's got a massive job coming up (he owns his own company) and it'll basically mean we won't have to worry about paying bills for a year or two. Things have been really tough here for quite a few months, and so it'll be nice to not have to worry about paying bills for awhile. I'm kind of hoping he'll send me away for a short break, so I can just get out and unwind a bit. My stress levels are through the roof these days and I'm in constant pain because I just can't relax.

I kind of know already he won't though. He can't accept that he's part of the problem and I want to have a break from both him and the kids. He thinks it's just the kids, even when I tell him otherwise he still denies it....

Now don't get me wrong. My boys are lovely, very well behaved 99% of the time and don't really cause any hassle. I just feel a bit bogged down by it all sometimes. Businesses, work, constant pregnancies, constant childcare, constantly seeing to DH or the kids or someone else.... I NEVER get "me" time. I can't even have a quiet bath, or read a book, or surf the net in peace. As I'm typing this I had DH come down and ask me for something, I've got Raistlin and Ashton here trying to press buttons as I type... I've had Tristan (who is off school today sick) in telling mehe doesn't feel well...... Oh, I had a phone call from my Mum asking me something. I've responded to several work emails.... And I'm planning what tidying needs to be done, and whether I'm going to try walking to pick JJ up (cos I broke my toe/foot last week and still can't put shoes on) or whether I'm going to drive. And this is a "quiet" moment... My life is like this 24hours of the day, 7days of the week. I even work Christmas day.

So, yeah. I'm really hoping he spends some of that money on me. But I don't think he will. Sad

DH is definately in baby-making mode at the moment. He knows today is a "danger" period for me, as I'm 5 days out from O now... And he's trying to coax me to the bedroom every two blinkin' minutes!!! Blum 3 So much for waiting to TTC..... :roll:

Love,

Sarah-Jean

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I'm on CD 12 today. Not that it matters as I'm well and truely out this month as I've been sick the last few days and just couldn't bring myself to BD at all....

Anyway, we weren't really TTC this month at any rate so it's not a problem I'm not upset.

I mentioned to my Mum the other day that Martin wanted another baby... I think her words of "Don't you bloody dare get pregnant again!" said it all... Sad So yet again it looks like I'm going to have to keep this a secret and then live in fear of announcing it when we do get pregnant.

And why is everyone around me suddenly pregnant???!!! Gordon Bennit - everywhere I look there are pregnant bellies. Makes the green eyed moster well and truely appear in me. Sad

Ignore this post. I feel so ill today and am getting no opportunity to rest and relax at all - even yesterday I didn't and it was a Sunday. Plus I think I'm going to O today and I really hate this time of the month because it makes me wonder what a potential baby concieved this month would be like.... :roll:

Argh....

I went to college the other evening. It was great and they announced they're bringing the nursing course I'm considering to MK!!!! So I'll do the access college course and then the year I finish that (This time next year) they're introducing the university course I'm thinking of taking!!! Wooo!!!

If I do get pregnant I will still go ahead with the access course and complete it and I'll just defer the Uni course for a year. That way by the time I started the Uni course Tristan would be 7, Jaeven would be 6, Raistlin would be 4 and probably in full time education too, Ashton would be part time education and then Martin only has to deal with baby when I'm not there! Can't wait!!!!

Love,

Sarah-Jean

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Oh, I meant to say, we didn't go to the Christening yesterday. I couldn't face it, DH didn't want to cos it was Fathers Day and my brother was coming back from Afghanistan for his 2 weeks R&R so we had to pick him up from the base.

Smile

Oh, and I found some long lost family yesterday that none of us knew anything much about and everyone has been searching for - yay go me!!!!!! Lol

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Ok,

So DH and I had something of a disagreement today over this whole TTC thing. We're both agreed we want to go ahead, but I was trying to talk to him a bit about it and he just wasn't event trying to hold a conversation.

Now strangely, in real life, when it comes to long involved conversations I'm not generally a talker and he is ALWAYS on my back about the fact I "never" (!) talk to him about anything. So it was really frustrating when today I was trying my best to air my feelings (something else he claims I never do) and he just couldn't be bothered to listen or discuss.

So from now on I won't bother. I'll just get on with whatever I feel like and if he doesn't like it he can just bloody well put up with it. I tried to talk to him about these things and he wasn't interested. I won't try again.

Anyway, the conclusion we came too, despite not really getting into it very heavily, was that we're all set for December TTC. If I carry on with 25 day cycles then my December cycle should start on the 17th! Woohoo!!! Baby making in time for Christmas! I'll be due, in theory on the 21st September... My brothers birthday is the 19th and MILs is the 20th! So that'd be cool!!!! :twisted: Plus it gives me time to finish my access course, apply for uni but with deferred entry for a year... So I have the first year of babies life without having to leave him/her at all.

And (sigh), we're still going ahead with all the stupid gender selection crap. He still wants to do the whole lot, rather then just a few bits and peices. Although he says he doesn't mind if it doesn't work and we have another boy as he's very proud of his boys, I think I'm going to be more honest and say I'll be really upset. Not with having a boy - all babies are precious. Just that I really will be missing out on all the girl things despite our best efforts to sway the odds.

That's the one thing about TTC a specific gender that really scares me... What if we fail? How will I feel? I'm scared I'll be disappointed or upset. I'm scared I won't love the baby if it's a boy. Or even worse, what if I hate him or regret having him????? Sad

Or even worse than all of that - what if one day he reads this back and thinks we didn't want him or we don't love him because he's the "wrong" gender???

I feel deep down that it doesn't matter what we do anyway. We must be one of those couples who just can't have girls and I don't believe that anything we do will change that. I don't believe I will ever have a daughter. And I'm OK with that. I really am. I'm honest in that I can say that the thought saddens me a lot... But I'm OK. If that's my path, then that's my path. I guess I just write about it alot because I'm really not that comfortable with this whole gender selection thing. I don't know why I just don't believe you can pre-select the gender. I don't believe any of these things really work... And how unromantic is it to put yourself through it in the vague hope you get what YOU want???

"Oh. Wait, no not yet darling.... I need to go douche myself before you can stick THAT in there!"

It reminds me of a military setting! Blum 3

"And here's the plan chaps. At dawn, exactly 4 days and 16 hours before ovulation is to take place, you will be entering the vicinity here. But make sure that you don't go further in than this point here shown on the map. Now, in order to accomplish this you must get into the following positions as demonstrated here and here!

And for Gods sakes men. Don't, whatever else you may do, let the Earth move for her!"

:roll:

Blah.

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I hate not temping this month. I have NO IDEA where in my cycle I Od. I guess if I've changed to a 25day cycle (back to normal then!) again then maybe it was CD12 I Od? Who knows - I didn't notice anything to indicate it happening apart from EWCM but then that had gone too by the time I got to CD12.

Meh.

Yesterday turned out pretty good after our "disagreement". We went out and about for a bit as DH was feeling rough so he didn't do any work yesterday. We somehow ended up in the pub for dinner. We haven't been to this one in about a year cos the service was just so damned bad we never returned but we drove past it at one point and he asked if I fancied giving it another go... It was quite funny. The boys thought we were going home then looked really confused when we went the wrong way at the roundabout and started asking us where we were going. We just said we didn't know. Then we drove into the pub car pak and they were all shouting with excitement asking if we were going to the pub!!! Lol It was funny. Guess you had to be there though. Little Raistlin was shouting so much he scared Ashton and made him cry... Then Raistlin jumped out the car and ran ahead of us to the front door! Very cute, I've not seen him so excited in a long time.

I had Steak and Ale Pie, with chips, peas and gravy. Yum! I want some more now!!! Blum 3 DH had the same, Tristan had Pasta Bolognaise with garlic bread and JJ and Raistlin had a burger and chips!

I have been torturing myself today... Sad I hate going into the guest room sometimes as my desk is right next to the wardrobe where all the girls clothes I've bought with each of the boys pregnancies are kept... I keep getting them out and off the hanger just so I can see and feel the pretty dresses. It sounds really odd but I actually contemplated dressing a doll in them just so I could see what they might look like on a baby. I didn't before you all ring the loony bin, but I did think about it.

DH has been a bit randy the last few days. We did the dirty last night AND this morning and he's already hassling me for more! :roll: Don't know what's come over him, not that I'm complaining of course!!! WinkBlum 3

Anyway... I'm going to go and torture myself some more by looking at nursery furniture for little girls and dreaming, whilst DH blathers on about really giving it a proper go at TTC a girl this time. (I said yesterday that I was happy to have another child even though I will definately end up on crutches if not a wheelchair next time so long as he was happy if we had a boy we could adopt a girl for #6.)

Ho-hum.... I think my ticker says it's only 5months, 3weeks and 5days until we TTC again. Not long!

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CD16

Wooo.... DH just came back from filling the car with petrol with a thermometer for me so I can start temping. OK, it's a bit late in my cycle to just start but I'll do it anyway and then next month I can already be back in the swing from day 1!!!

I'm feeling pretty crummy today. I think I am over the bug I had the other week but I'm so very tired and my stomach hurts quite a lot, so maybe I'm not as over it as I thought I was. Yesterday I didn't wake up until JJ got back from school... :shock: That's never happened before...

Anyway, I have got a whole ton of work to do today and trying to put it off isn't helping me any at all. I've also got a load of housework to do seeing as the boys saw fit to pour cornflakes all over my bedroom carpet this morning... :roll: Lol

And seeing as I'm here I'm going to torture myself by looking at my girls clothes in the closet I'm sat next too... Sad I wanted to get rid of them, give them away to someone who can use them but DH has insisted we keep them even though he knows it upsets me. He also won't let me put them in a box in the attic or anything, they're always hanging there, mocking me. I get kind of upset too because ho now won't let me add to them either. I have a friend who's got three boys and her DH came home one evening with a pair of pink baby socks... She pointed out they didn't have a girl and he pointed out they would one day. I remember hoping the same thing, infact I fully believed that I wouldn't have four boys. My fourth child after 3 boys would definately be a girl.

Now I have no hope.

It also really bugs me when people say to me (as they did yesterday) that they have one boy and one girl, the "perfect" family and won't be having anymore. Yeah. Great. The flags are flying for you, really they are. :roll: So is my family somehow less "perfect" because I've got all boys????

Bastards.

I think today is going to be one of those days for me today. I just feel really emotional and I have absolutely zero hope or belief that all this shite will work when it comes our time to TTC. I've got to face facts. I'll never have a girl.

Sarah-Jean

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CD19

My baby is 6 months old today! Seems to have flown by in one respect and have passed so slowly in another. I can't believe it's been half a year since his birth already. Seems unreal! My special little man! Smile

I don't feel pregnant this month. I know I'm not. I was looking at my history and my old charts from my previous short cycles and although I always Od on CD14 I just don't feel pregnant this month. I'm not even going to bother with testing or anything, I know it hasn't happened. Not that we were trying for this month anyway...

I feel incredibly sad at the moment. I don't know why. I think it's the whole fact that I am now finally beginning to think about our re-affirmation of vows for our 10th wedding anniversary and it's now sunk in that I won't have a beautiful daughter wearing a beautiful dress there. It's just not going to happen. And finding clothes for boys is such a task. And you always feel like you're just putting up with whatever you buy because there's no real selection. I don't know, it just doesn't hold the same appeal to me and I just think this whole thing is beginning to get ontop of me.

There's no point talking to anyone about it. My Mum doesn't understand, she just says "I was never bothered what gender I had"... Hmmm... Maybe the fact that you had a girl and then a boy had something to do with that... :roll: And there's no point talking to DH as I discovered the other day. I tried once, I won't bother trying again. I know that seems so petty but I just can't be bothered. I don't like talking about my feelings anyway so once I've tried and been unsuccessful I'll never try with that person again. And besides he doesn't get it anyway. He just says that we'll keep going until we have a girl. What?! 15 boys later and I've died as a result of pregnancy, but that's OK cos we kept going in the hope we'd one day have a girl.... :roll:

I remember once being in the car and bopping one of my knee's to the music. He took the piss out of me for it and I immediately stopped. I've never bopped to music since then. I doubt he ever noticed anyway, he just doesn't seem to understand the way I work or the things I feel and when I try to make him understand he doesn't bother even listening.

SO I guess I'll do what I'm good at. I'll hide how I feel and just write about it here when I feel like I'm going to burst.

I really wish I had a daughter... :cry:

I know. I'm stupid.

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CD20

I'm feeling really emotional today. I don't know why but I am so completely up and down right now. I guess it's because I woke up in the night with horrible stomach cramps and now I feel sick too. Blah. I guess maybe it's just because I'm tired. I've actually been sleeping better at night the last few nights then I have in a very long time but for some reason I'm even more tired then before.

I can't wait for this cycle to be over now. In theory there should only be another 4/5 days of it before AF shows up.

I hate AF, I hate blood and stuff, if there was a way that I could permanently get rid of AF I swear I'd do it, even if it meant no more children. Sad

Anyway, Raistlin and Ashton are watching Pingu at the moment and the noise is driving my head crazy so I think I'm going to dump the kids on DH and try to get some sleep!

Love,

Sarah-Jean

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I just had the nicest dream. I just this moment woke up. It was so nice it made me cry.

We were shopping with the boys, we got a great parking space right by the entrance of this shop. It was big like Tesco's but I don't think it was Tesco's because the inside was a different colour, the prices were better and it was far more Warehouse style... I was quite obviousely around halfway pregnant too, but I wasn't in any obvious pain, I was walking unaided and I seemed healthy and "glowing". I was pushing Ashton as me and the boys looked at the Christmas decorations. I didn't know the gender of the baby in the dream, but DH did and he was grinning a lot and sugesting we buy this huge stuffed Unicorn toy.

It was a weird dream. But nice. And strangely probably just how we would be. Only thing that was different was that I always told DH never buy a unicorn stuffed toy until we have a girl. It's a girls toy and seeing one in the house would upset me, so in reality he wouldn't be buying one...

It was just so nice. I didn't want to wake up from it and now I can't stop crying.

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CD21

My temps are down fairly significantly today. I tested anyway but it was BFN. I so wish I had have been pregnant this month... Sad I know we weren't TTC but one can wish right?

Anyway I'm having a lot of cramps and my mood is so up and down I guess this could be called PMS? I don't know. I just feel very down right now. And despite the bad timing I'm seriousely considering going for it full on next month. I know that would result in another April baby but still.... I guess sensibility tells me I should wait really until December as planned, but I just don't want too!!!

I should think AF will turn up either Saturday or Sunday.

Assuming it's Sunday as it should be if I'm back to 25day cycles then I'd be due on the 6th April. My sister's birthday is the 10th and Tristan's is the 18th, so it'd be bad really as Aprils a busy month for us.... But then April is my cut off... I CAN'T have a baby in May, June or July, it'd ruin my business too badly. I know that sounds terrible to say my business is more important but in some respects it is... It ALL happens in June and I HAVE to be there and able to function properly as I run the whole bloody thing.

Argh... I don't know...

I was checking out the chinese gender calendar... And trying to work out when I'd have concieved the other boys... And my miscarriages, after I turned 18, which would mean that my first three pregnancies were missed out including Tristan... So started from JJ here's what it said:-

DS2 - Chart says BOY!
MC3 - Charts says GIRL!
MC4 - Chart says BOY!
MC5 - Chart says GIRL!
MC6 - Chart says GIRL!
DS3 - Chart says GIRL! *wrong*
DS4 - Chart says GIRL! *wrong*

LOL Blows that theory out the water seeing as it was wrong for 2 out of 3 of the boys!!! Lol Damn cos it says if I got pregnant in either July or December I'd have a girl.... I guess that translates to boy for me then!!!! LolLolLol That's actually quite funny!

Anyway I better be off!

Love,

Sarah-Jean

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CD24

I don't know how much longer I'm going to post here for.... Not because I think I'm pregnant, infact I'm fully expecting AF to make her ugly appearance within the next 24-48hours but because after spending the last month discussing our options on and off, DH and I have decided to go for IUI with Sperm Sorting or IVF with PGD.

Seeing as neither of these procedures are legal in the UK, we're going to have to travel abroad to either America or Belgium for it, and well, probably can't discuss this with any of our friends or family. Not because having the baby in itself is illegal or bad, just because over here high tech methods of gender selection are a big taboo.

I'm really scared to go the IVF route, but I've been told if it's done with PGD then it's basically 100% accurate? I'm scared cos I don't know the IVF process AT ALL, I'm scared cos I hate injections and I've never even had a smear let alone anything invasive like that and well... It's just a very scary and lonely time right now. We can't talk to anyone IRL about it, and I don't feel comfortable really talking to people online about it as I've seen in the past the problems that people have with others judgements over this sort of thing....

So I guess I probably won't be posting very much anymore, if at all. I'm not sure... I'm not ashamed of what we're doing, I just can't be bothered with being judged harshly by other people who know nothing about our situation.

From what I have been told I have three choices in clinics.
Belgium
Microsort
Or London and then Kentucky for the actual procedure

I'm not sure yet which we'll choose.

Anyway girls... Thanks for all the support you showed to me, I'm really keeping all my fingers crossed that you all achieve a happy and healthy pregnancy and lots of beautiful babies very soon and I'll still come in here to check on you all!

Love,

Sarah-Jean

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CD25

I'm really shocked by the overwhelming support I've recieved since yesterday. I can't believe what a wonderful place, full of wonderful people pregnancy.org is...

I'm going to carry on writing here. I'm not ashamed of what we're doing and I don't want to hide it from people - it makes it seem like some sort of dirty little secret when it's not. And I'm so excited and scared now that we've made the decision and are going ahead.

We have decided to go with the IVF with PGD because of my multiple miscarriages. The Drs here refuse to test to see if there's a reason and considering I had two losses, then two boys, then four losses, then two boys... I'm terrified that next time I get pregnant I'll miscarry again. At least with IVF with PGD we know the embryo's put back will be healthy with no chromosomal abnormalities and the fact we can tell the gender too - well that's just the cherry on the top of the cake really.

I have so many concerns though. The cost strangely is not my main worry. If we go through Belgium Microsort as we're planning too, then we're probably looking at a total of £7-8k for the first try, after that I'm not sure how much it is... I'm waiting on proper pricing at the moment.

DH is worried about giving the sample. He wants me to be there, but we don't know if this is allowed or even possible. He never looks at porn, or whatever they have in these rooms so he's worried it'll be difficult for him if I'm not there. He also wants to be there during the retrieval and the transfer - we're not sure this is allowed either.

We have to have a consultation first and we've got so many questions but can't seem to formulate them all. I mean, what do you ask about with a process you know virtually nothing about.

Then I'm worried I'm going to have to inject myself. I've got a phobia of needles.

I'm worried about the retrieval process... Does it hurt? Will they put me out? OMG, will I be awake? Will I get to see what they're doing? I mean, if I have to be awake I wanna see everything that's going on. It's one of the odd things about me, because I am so interested in medicine I want to see everything. I even arranged with my Ob when I was pregnant with DS3 and he was an unstable lie that if I needed a Csection they would not put a barrier there so I could see what was going on, and I could help lift him out!

Will they speak good English? I mean, Belgians generally do, but when it comes to medical stuff???!!! What if we don't understand each other?

Will we have to choose the embryo's if there's more then one or two?! I don't know if I could do that.... And besides, how many do they put back in?! I don't want to end up with 3/4 babies in one go, I really think with all my pregnancy problems that'd end up killing me!

And how on Earth are we going to manage to run our businesses from Belgium for 2 weeks? Where will we stay? How will we get there? Will we take the boys? What will we do with the boys whilst we're doing the procedures? Who will have the boys if we don't take them? Could I stand to be away from them for two weeks? (NO!) But will their school let me take them out for that long?

What if it doesn't work? What if I don't get pregnant first go? What if I then go onto miscarry again? How many times will we try it? How will I cope if it goes wrong?

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

I'm already planning her bedroom! I've decided on a fairies and unicorns theme! Which brings up another question - where do we put our princess? Do we split the boys up and let them be two to a room, or do we keep all four boys in one room still. I don't think it's fair to force them to sleep four boys to one room, whilst their sister gets her own room... In which case where do we move DHs office too? Our bedroom? The garage? Do we build an office at the bottom of the garden for him? Does he go away and rent one? He gave up work and set up on his own so he could always be with us, so that'd kind of be a bit of a bummer if he had to leave...

There's so much more to think of, so many more things to get excited about and worried about then if we were just BDing to get pregnant.

It's such an exciting time, and yet so very, very scary at the same time...

I just want to get started now! I can't wait!

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CD26 or CD1?! Who knows!!!

So yesterday I was so sure I was onto my next cycle as I had some bright red spotting... Go to bed as usual fully expecting AF to be in full force by morning and nothing. Not even some slight spotting?! Can we say confused?!!!!!

I did a HPT yesterday because I was feeling paranoid but that was a BFN so I know I'm not pregnant. Grrrrr... I guess I'll just have to wait and see if she turns up today but I've got no cramping, not PMSing... Nothing.

I so need to book myself in for a smear this next cycle. I've never had one before but I've been worried for awhile that something is wrong... I don't want to start the whole IVF saga only to discover they won't treat me cos I've not had one and then have to wait weeks for my results back, so I guess I should get that out the way now.

We've been discussing names and all sorts these last few days. It's almost like I'm already pregnant and we already know it's a little girl!!! It's such an odd feeling. I know in my heart there's a chance the IVF won't work and we won't get pregnant but I just can't imagine it happening, if that makes sense?! I guess it's one of those things - you never believe it'll happen to you until it does.

DH tried to win this little pink rocking and singing unicorn for our future daughter on Ebay last night. He didn't win and was so upset, but there will be and are others...

We're "debating" (not arguing! LOL) over bedroom layouts. I say we should move two boys into one room, two boys in another and then she can have DHs office and he can move his office into our bedroom. His office is the smallest room in the house though, but I guess if there's only one person in there it won't be so bad... Plus it's right next to our bedroom so we'll always be able to see and hear her at night.

I just want to get this show on the road now we've made the decision to go ahead. We've got to have a consultation in Belgium first and then we can hopefully choose our month/cycle... I would have gone for December IVF but if my cycles are the way I thought they are (25 days long) then it'd mean we'd be away literally smack bam over Christmas. So January 2007 it is then I suppose.

Plus at least Jan 07 would mean that I wouldn't be heavily pregnant at GhostFest. We're trying to work this whole pregnancy around GhostFest as stupid as that sounds because I don't want the event compromised by me being heavily pregnant and sick, or unable to attend because I've got a newborn baby.

Tristan and JJ know about that we're planning another baby. Tristan said to me, "can I have a little girl baby next time", I told him I didn't know but I thought maybe we could. Then yesterday we went out and were looking at play centres for the garden for the boys. We're thinking of getting like a castle/fort thing for them... And Tristan said to me "I like the castle one! You can be queen and our little girl baby can be princess and the big boys can be kings!"

I know it seems odd that we told them (we've not told them about the IVF) but we want them to have a choice in it too because it changes their lives completely. So if they'd said no they didn't want anymore brothers or sisters, I'd have been sad, but I'd have respected that. The children I've got here and now count more to me then any potential child I *could* have.

I guess this whole process has opened my eyes to my children. I was blind for awhile, because my world was just a funk of nothingness and I couldn't see the people I love the most through the fog... Now there's clarity and purpose and I can work towards a goal and I spend a lot more time cherishing the boys and playing with them, have conversations with them, reading them stories etc.

OMG! The doorbell just went! I got my package from Microsort! Wooo!!! OK, so it's not the Belgium clinic, it's the Virginia one but still. So exciting. Strangely no real idea of costs in the package... Hmmm... :-? But I guess I can kind of go on what they said on their website? I don't know... There will probably be hidden costs somewhere, but we don't mind. It's worth the price to get a healthy baby and reduce the risk of MC. They only sent me the information for the IUI treatment though... Oh well!

I guess I'd best be off... I've written a bloody novel here today already!

Sarah-Jean

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CD2

Oh my... This paper work is quite indepth.... Asks all sorts of really probing questions like when my AFs started, my history of infections, my past fertility... It asks me about previous pregnancies. I had to laugh because it only allows upto 5 previous pregnancies. It asks when my last smear was and what the results were, I had to laugh at that too. I've never had a smear and was never interested in having one either. Infact I point blank refused even when people begged me too (DH, Mum, Midwife, GP, Ob)... I guess they're going to be the ones laughing now cos it's obvious I've got to have one done and get the all clear before I can start the treatment. So I'm going to book myself in for one sometime next week unless I can find somewhere private that will let me have a full report quicker, cos I know my GP won't tell me anything in all likelyhood unless there's something wrong. :roll:

We've also got to decide 1/. when we want to go for the consultation. 2/. which country we're going to roll with - Belgium or America. 3/. when we want to do the actual first round of IVF...

I've been trying to figure this out the last hour. And this is what I can come up with so far for timelines.

For my cycle starting November 30th 2006, we'd need to travel out from the 6th-15th December and if we were successful we'd be due 4th September 2007

For my cycle starting December 26th 2006, we'd need to travel out from the 1st-10th January and if we were successful we'd be due 30th September 2007

For my cycle starting January 19th 2007, we'd need to travel out from the 25th Jan-3rd Feb and if we were successful we'd be due 24th October 2007

I don't know which is better of those three. I always said I wanted a Halloween baby, but not sure now... The end of September sounds good. DH won't decide for us either, he just says assuming he gets the work and we've got the money then they all sound good to him and any will do... NOT helpful! I guess the later the better really, but now I know I'm probably going to be having a girl, I just want to get on with it right now! I'm so excited!

Although now the fear of multiples has set in... I mean, the chances of having twins is higher with IVF treatment. And with PGD I believe the chances of having identical twins gets even higher. So say we get 5 good embryo's out, and they transfer 2 good ones back.... OMG.... I could end up with twins, triplets or quads.... :shock: That's scary. Really scary. I'm not so bothered by twins. I mean, it'd push my body to the limit but the reality is my body won't take on more then it can handle even if it means bedrest or hospital stays... But triplets or quads?! I truely believe that would kill me! I mean the chances are pretty slim aren't they? How likely is it that we'd end up with triplets?! Pretty unlikely...

And of course, then there's the questions of what do we do if we do become pregnant with multiples? I know they would push us to reduce the pregnancy and terminate the lives of one or more of the babies. Even if it was only twins. Especially with my history. I couldn't and wouldn't even consider it... Not because I'm against abortion as such, just because I believe if "he" brings you to it, "he'll" bring you through it. You're never given more then you can handle, right?! I'm so paranoid though having read the statistics I've made DH promise to send me for a private scan at 7 weeks to determine whether we're having a single baby or more then one. Not just because I want a scan, or because I'm worried, but because if there is more then one baby then there are some very serious health concerns I need to be checked for.... Pre-eclampsia will need to be watched very carefully. Plus I was once told that there may be some problem with my heart (just in normal conversation with my midwife) and if I was ever to become pregnant with twins I'd need to be monitored very carefully.

Tristan and JJ mentioned "the little baby girl we're getting" today again. Biggrin It's so sad we have to keep this secret just because the UK doesn't allow you a choice in your own fertility, because we're all so excited. It's all me and DH talk about privately at the moment. And Tristan and JJ mention the "new baby girl" they'll be getting. I don't know where they got the idea we'd have a girl from - we only said baby to them, but now they've cottoned onto the idea it's hard not to get excited with them. I was worried how they'd take to the idea, but they're so excited it's obviousely not going to be a problem.

It's kind of sad in a way. All I want to do is shout it from the rooftops and I can't talk to anyone about it, so all I have is this journal. And DH is obviousely feeling the same way, he keeps talking about how he's going to "do things right this time" (don't know what he means, he's never done anything wrong particularly) and treat her like a princess.

In a sad kind of way this whole thing has bought us all closer. I mean, it's almost like a missing link of our family is soon to be added and we'll be complete. DH is far more involved with the kids now, I do more around the house and more with the kids, we talk more then we have done in months... I don't know why. I think it might be because I felt all hope was gone. I'd never have the mother/daughter relationship everyone always talks about. I'd never do her hair, or fudge her make-up up, or help her pick wedding dresses, or be there at the birth of her first child. I'd never go shopping and get our nails done, or have her pop over just for a chat when she leaves home... My Mum and I are really close now. We speak at least once a day, even when we've not really got anything to say to each other... I thought all hopes of having something like that for me and my daughter were gone.

Don't get me wrong, boys are great too but it's different. They don't call every day or so just "because", they don't pop in for no other reason then a chat and a cup of tea, they don't share things with you once they've got themselves a wife or girlfriend.... Boys only belong to their mothers until they get themselves a wife.

I guess, in some ways, after we found out Ashton was another boy I stopped paying attention to the children I have so much and wallowed in my grief at the "loss" of a daughter that never existed. And with DH, I think he was so disappointed he hadn't given us a girl that he felt he was too blame for the whole situation. Silly really... How can a beautiful little boy like Ashton be something to be sad over?! I AM glad I knew beforehand though... I think I'd have sunk down under the grey blanket of depression if I hadn't had those months to prepare myself and get over my "loss".

Now it's like we're all talking and communicating finally again. And there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

We're quite liking the name Anya at the moment... No middle names as such, just Anya.

I actually feel a little bit sorry for her as well as being overjoyed. I mean, can you imagine bringing your boyfriend home for the first time... I can just see it now! 17 years old, brings her new boyfriend over for dinner, they ring the doorbell, I answer it and stood directly behind me is DH looking very stern, and directly behind him, four big strapping lads with their arms folded looking equally displeased!!!!! LMAO

Blimey, if this works first time I will be 43 when she's 18... DH will be 48, Tristan will be 25, Jaeven will be 24, Raistlin will be 22 and Ashton will be 20! Scary!!!!

Anyway, I'm rambling now! I'll go for now!

Sarah-Jean

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CD3

We got our information pack from the Rainsbury Clinic in London. They also offer IVF with PGD, and do most of the work at their clinic in London and then you just travel abroad for the actual procedure itself. I think they use a clinic in Kentucky, and you're there for 9 days, which isn't so bad. Only problem is they don't give you prices until you have a consultation with them so they can discover exactly what treatment you will need and what course of action to take, and the consultation is £200 straight off. I heard a rumour that the Rainsbury Clinic charge £10k for their services. :shock: No way would we pay that for one cycle, no matter how desperate we were!

We're so unsure of what to do to be honest. Once DHs got this big job out the way, then there's the possibility we may go to the US for a month, in which case we might as well kill two birds with one stone and have the treatment there whilst we're in town, so to speak. But then Belgium is so much more explainable then the USA... I mean, what would we tell people we're going to America for?! It's feasible there may be business there that DH could do, hence the possibility of living there for a month, but it's unlikely unless he goes looking for it specifically. Whereas Belgium is so much easier to explain as he does occasionally have to go there on business trips.

But then going to America could be really good fun!!! I know of two people from the UK who are using/used the Belgium clinic... One was unsuccessful and travelled out to the US for her second round of treatment and the other is just about to start hers...

The other thing is I really, REALLY hate Belgium. I find it so ugly and depressing there. The people are nice enough but the country... I'd almost rather go to France and I hate France too as it's so dirty. :?

Whereas I love America, such a fun country and I find it really amusing that our very obvious traditional middle-upper class English accents make everyone think we're from Australia!!!! Lol

DH thinks we should go for America too... I just don't know. We basically have a choice of one clinic in Belgium (driveable too), one in London that then transfers us to Kentucky for a week (mainly driveable apart from Kentucky part), California, or Virginia.

I might have been tempted to go to Virginia as it's closer and the flight would be shorter. We could fly to New York, hire a car and drive down to Virginia in no time. We do longer drives then that for fun, so it wouldn't bother us at all. Hell, we could even get over there for our consultation rather then doing it over the phone and have a nice romantic weekend together.

Grrr.... You'd have thought that deciding on the clinic would be easy... So far it seems to be the hardest part of the whole process! I got all the facts and figures and medical jargon I need. I think I know exactly how it all works now and what medication I am most likely to have to take etc, and that's all OK. Not too worried about any of that except the needles as I have a massive phobia.... I know there's a chance it may not work too, but have kind of prepared myself mentally for that. I know the finances are kind of an issue although come August they won't be so that's OK too.... But can we decide on WHERE we want to have it done?! NO!

Grrrrrrrrrr......

Thanks to Tammy, I have started making a list of all the questions I want to ask during our consultation. And it doesn't seem so bad now... I even know the answers to some of them I just want to ask them anyway so I can hear them say it! That sounds stupid, I mean I want clarification even though I know the answer really.

Anyway, I have just found out that the units we're currently building and have been building the last day or so.... Well, we were told they needed 6, so we made up 7 and now they've just told us they want 8 - TODAY. :? We haven't even got the parts, let alone the time to build and program more. Plus the kids are really playing up and we keep getting interrupted every two bloody minutes. :roll: This is bespoke design data monitoring devices - do they seriousely expect us to just be able to know a few extra ones up in a few minutes?!!!!! :roll:

Ho-hum... We'll manage I suppose. But better go and get on with it now....

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CD4

I can already tell this whole thing is going to be an emotional rollercoaster ride. DH and I sat down to dinner together last night, for the first time in ages as we've just been too busy and were talking about the IVF. It was actually really good because it made us question a lot of things, and think in more depth about what we were going to do in certain situations.

We're going to probably pay for two cycles right at the beginning. The discounts are better if you pay up front, and obviousely there's no sure way of knowing whether the first cycle will result in a pregnancy or not... So we're thinking we'll definately pay for two cycles up front, and possibly three but we need to find out more about the costs.

If truth be told I hadn't realised that one "cycle" of IVF meant two cycles, not two actual cycles but I had realised that they'd need to shut down my hormone production the month before so that they can switch it back on at double or triple speed for the cycle we actually want to go for.
That makes America very difficult. DH said we could still do it, by basically moving out there for 2-3months, but I'm not sure it's fair to uproot the kids out of school for 2 months and then come back and plonk them back in. I mean, as a child, I'd have loved that and I'm sure it'd be a big adventure to them but I don't know if it's right, as a parent to uproot your children like that? I don't know. It doesn't really sound like a viable option to me at all.

Because one of the main things about the procedure that has been stressed to me right from the start of my research is that I have to be relaxed and not stressed, so although Belgium is not thrown out it has moved down the list. And that really just leaves London, with a 9 day trip to Kentucky. But I heard rumour that the London clinic charge £10k... So today my missio, apart from working on GhostFest, is to find out proper prices from them. LOL

The other thing we talked about was the actual embryo's themselves. I'm not particularly in the way of thinking about them as babies yet, more as potential babies and I'm in a real moral dilemma over what to do with regards to this. I don't think I could just have them destroyed, especially knowing (as we would) that they are healthy little embryo's. DH felt the same way. But I don't know what other options there are. Can we freeze them incase the first cycle of IVF doesn't work? I guess that's something to ask during our consultation... The other option we were thinking of was donating them to a couple who can't have children... But I'm not sure whether I'd feel worse then, then if they were destroyed. Knowing that there was a child/children of ours (genetically) out there somewhere.

DH is very up for the donating thing, but I don't think I can. I couldn't let my embryo's go to someone I don't know. If I knew the person, that'd be fine because then at least I know they'd bring the resulting baby up well, but to just any old stranger....? I don't know... I bet they'd look like our boys as well, with blond hair and blue eyes. The wondering would kill me I think.... And to be honest, it made me slightly cross that DH would happily give away our embryo's to someone he didn't know but he wouldn't consider adoption? I don't really get how it's different? To me it'd feel like I was adopting out my potential child/ren... I guess that's really stupid, but I just can't stand the thought (right now) of someone else bringing up children who are genetically ours. I would never agree to DH donating sperm for this reason - to me it'd feel almost like he'd cheated and got someone else pregnant even though the reality is very different and I know he hasn't.

I guess these are all issues we will have to work through. Especially me with the embryo's thing... After all my miscarriages I just don't know how I will feel with that. But then I don't really even know IF there IS an option other then to destroy them, so I guess there's no point worrying over it right now.

I think DH is going to tell MIL today. He already told her and she was very interested but they didn't have time to chat. She was a little shocked by the timescales we are hoping to do it in, but to be honest Ashton will be 1 and if we do successfully get pregnant he'd be almost 2 by the time the new baby comes along.... That's not a horrifically close gap in my eyes. Well it is, I hate having two year gaps between children but that seems to be how things work for me! LOL

Truth be told I'm terrified of being pregnant again. Not because of any real reason except the pain from SPD. I was told at my last appointment that next time there is a very strong chance I will end up in a wheelchair. But then I don't really see the point in worrying about it. Essentially I am healthy right now, and eating properly and cutting out my wine. It doesn't matter how long I wait to have another baby, that pain will always be an issue now. I could wait ten years and it'd still be as bad. That is the nature of the beast with SPD. It ALWAYS comes back worse then before. I'm happy to go through it once again. But only once. After this next baby I am stopping and will not be having anymore children. I'll have five children and five is enough. Four beautiful boys, and a gorgeous little princess. (Hopefully!)

The only other problem we can think of is the travel abroad. DH is uncomfortable with us going abroad even for only 9 days without the kids. The reality is we can't take them unless we take someone else who will basically babysit them for us for almost the entire time. And if someone is going to do that then they might as well do it here in our home country so the boys can still attend school. We're not sure what to do with regards to the kids. DH is very uncomfortable with leaving them, but not happy for me to go alone, so we're at a bit of a stalemate. I suggested we could leave them for 9 days, get back with armfulls of presents then whisk them off on a holiday for a week... But we're not really sure. Then there's always the question of who has them. My Mum isn't really fit enough, I don't particularly like the idea of MIL having them either... I think we may have to go for MIL staying at our house with the boys, as I think it's probably the only way they can still continue to go to school but I'm just uncomfortable with the idea.

I guess these are all really problems to sort out some other time, later down the line. But we're planners and we like to have an action plan and a backup plan well in advance to us actually doing anything!!!

Anyway, I better go and get in touch with the London clinic! Oh, and I've got to order some Ovulation Predictor Kits off Ebay too!

Love,

Sarah-Jean

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CD5

OMG, We just this minute faxed our paperwork over to GIVF in Virginia.... Scary! :shock: We phoned them first and asked a few questions and they said apparently the Dr will review our history and notes and let us know in 3-5 business (I guess that is the same as working) days!!!! So soon! Aargh!

Lol

I'm nervous now!

We're just looking at flights. Bless her, the lady on the end of the phone sounded really surprised to hear from us. And even more surprised when we asked if we could choose a time and date for our consultation seeing as we'll need to fit our travel around it. She said "we do the consultation over the phone with you" and we pointed out we didn't want over the phone (I have a horrible phobia of phones at the best of times and can only speak to my Mum and DH), we were happy to travel over for the weekend so we could meet and ask our questions in person.

I think it's fair to say she thinks we're mad!!! Lol

So, I guess it's just a waiting game. I'm really stressing already over what we'll do. Do with go with the IVF with PGD, or should we just do the gender thing and go for IUI with Microsort?! At any rate, this clinic offers both, so it's not too bad! I guess I've been thinking about it a lot the last few days and I'm in a real moral dilemma over what to do with any remaining embryo's if we go the IVF route. I really don't think I could adopt them out, I couldn't donate them anon, I couldn't destroy them knowing they were healthy and potentially viable, and DH doesn't like the idea of donating them to research. There's no point us freezing and keeping them if the IVF worked as we don't plan anymore children... So we're kind of stuck.

I guess what it comes down to is talking through all this with the Dr involved, asking our questions and then making an informed decision.

I'd almost rather do the IUI with a higher "risk" of having another boy, then discarding embryo's who're healthy. And there are some good points for IUI. We were filling out our pregnancy history and looking back at it, we've only ever once not got pregnant the first time we were trying. That time it took two months. Infact one of my miscarriages, I got pregnant despite the fact we only did it once that month using a condom!!! So I suppose, it's fair to say we have a good chance of getting pregnant first time.... And I guess if they've sorted DHs sperm and as best as possible only gathered the "girl" sperm, and artificially inseminate... If we still had a boy, then I suppose it would be fate right?! And I guess I'm just not good enough for a girl.

IUI saves us a lot of money and hassle too... We'd only probably need to go stateside twice, for a couple of days each time. We figure we're going to have a romantic weekend a way for the consultation. And then when we go back for the IUI that'll only be a small matter of days too... I heard someone say they were only there for 3/4 days when they had theirs done. I don't know if I believe it was that little but we'll find out soon enough.

I guess my main fear is how I will feel with not knowing the baby's gender.... I mean, I'll be on tenter hooks then whole 15/16 weeks until we found out via private scan and what if we found out it was another boy? Having spent all that money and effort? Will I hate the baby? Will I regret him? Will I go through yet another pregnancy miserable and depressed because of baby's gender like I did with my last pregnancy.

Hell, I could happily and would happily put up with every horrific, painful complication pregnancy can throw at me for a girl.... But for a boy? I'm not sure I'd be so happy. I remember how I felt when I found out Ashton was another boy. It was the first time I'd actively felt I knew the baby's gender before my scan and so it wasn't a huge shock when the sonographer said boy... But the rest of my pregnancy I hated him. I really hated him. I wished all sorts of horrible things would happen to him. I threatened abortion. I prayed for a late miscarriage. I just didn't care. I was in horrible agony, and took to fighting for the one thing I knew I could, which was my homebirth, despite the fact medically I was putting both mine and his life at risk.

As it turns out I was closer to that risk then I realised. He was born with a true knot in his cord. Something that is normally fatal. I think the real crux of it was that I felt right from the beginning something was wrong with him. I knew he was a he from the moment of conception. I never really kidded myself that he was a she. But I was convinced he'd die. And I guess once I found out I was having a fourth boy I just wanted it over and done with. Strangely I never really thought he'd make it past birth so I didn't want to get close to him at all.

Then he was born, alive. Kicking and screaming and the most beautiful thing I'd ever lain my eyes on. Delivered by my own hands. And nobody touched us for those first few moments and I knew he was special. And I felt guilt. Horrible, horrible amounts of guilt.

I never want to feel that way again. I never want to wish my baby dead and I never want to feel that guilt because I was so horribly, horribly wrong.

Thankfully I discovered shortly afterwards that I wasn't the only one who had those feelings. It seems to be something that a lot of pregnant women go through. Gender disappointment I think they call it. So even though you're in love with your new baby, you kind of mourn the death of a dream that never was. I guess that doesn't make any sense.

I don't think I really make much sense these days! I tend to ramble on because my brain won't sleep! Blum 3 LOL

I have a horrible feeling GIVF are going to come back and say we're not suitable. I just have this horrible gut feeling that won't go away.

So, my list of stuff to get done next week includes:-
Book smear
Start pregnancy vitamins again (a question on the forms and I realised I've never even thought of taking them seeing as I never took them in my previous pregnancies!)
Pay for ovulation predictor kits
Look for nice accomodation and flights.
Quit my wine intake.
Start eating breakfast again

A scary, scary thing I found out today. Apparently all the women in my maternal side go through early menopause. ALL OF THEM.

Not much hope for me in that case is there. Which is just as well seeing as I point blank refuse to have babies past the age of 28. Not because I think you're too old after that age, just because I've got things I always planned and dreamed of doing, and I don't want to be in my 30s running around after a snotty, screaming toddler. I'll be battering my snotty, screaming teenagers around by then instead!!! LOL It does amuse me though, thinking that in ten years time my oldest will be 15, and my youngest will be around 8/9. I'll only be 33!!! How cool is that?!

Anyway, I'm going to stop rambling. I think the further into posts I go the more disjointed it becomes and the harder I find it to stop typing!

Argh! And off I go again!

Ok, I'm gone now!

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CD6

I expect AF to leave the house today sometime. Thank God. I hate bleeding! Yuck!

Sorry for my vent yesterday. I really do love Ashton, he's such a cute, sweet, mild mannered, happy little man. He really adds a shining light to our family and I'd never switch him for a girl in a million years.

I know if we had another boy I would feel the same about him as I do for all my other wonderful little boys. There's no question in my mind.

Besides, with the IUI they say once they've sorted the sperm and seperated it then for girls there is a 88% sort (so 88% of the sperm on average are girlie ones) and of those 91% of babies born will be girls... That's a fairly high rate in my eyes, and sometimes it's higher and sometimes it's lower on the sort. They tell you that at the time. I'll be happy if our sort comes out with 90% girl sperm or more. That way if we still had a boy then at least I know that he is there despite all the odds being against him! Biggrin Actually that's quite a cool thought!!!

We're writing up a list of questions today to ask at our consultation. Should be fun.... It's taking us ages and seems to be mostly silly little questions. I'll write the list up once we've finished!

Better get off now! Really got nothing to say today once DH announced he wants the babies middle name if it's a girl to be Virginia. :shock: :-?

Sarah-Jean

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CD7

Not much to report today. We're just making up a list of questions for our consultation. I really hope we get accepted but I'm not feeling very optomistic about it all. Apparently they phone us to let us know whether we've been accepted. Microsort is a clinical trial at the moment so I heard they're quite picky about who they accept? I don't know if that's true or not. In one way I'd have thought we were good candidates because we almost always get pregnant first time, but in another we're really BAD candidates in that I normally then go on to miscarry.

The problem is they said it's only an hours consultation but we have so many questions I'm worried an hour won't cover it all... :?

Anyway, some practicalities come into play. Do we stay somewhere close by but a bit grotty, or somewhere nice but a bit further out?

Here are our options that I can find close by....

Fairview Park Marriott - http://marriott.com/property/propertypage/WASFP which is 1.7miles from the clinic and they reckon about 3-5minutes drive.

Residence Inn Marriott - http://marriott.com/property/propertypage/iadxm which is 0.9 miles from the clinic and they reckon about 2 minutes drive.

I suppose the Residence Inn is better because it's so close... Not my idea of romantic though. We normally stay in hotel suites with four poster beds and old English charm and these are... Well... Not romantic.

But I suppose it doesn't matter. They're cheap and we'll probably only be there a couple of nights...

Anyway I better be off, I want to sell at least two GhostFest stands this week and we've got so much work on with DHs business I'm not sure how we're going to manage it all... Sad

Sarah-Jean

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CD8

Woooo!!! I got a free five day trial on Fertility Friend!!!! Yippee! I can't wait to pay for full membership again, it was so useful before, whether we were trying for a baby or trying to prevent!

I suppose it's silly that I'm so excited by that! Lol

Not much to report today, just another hectic but boring day. DH and I have so much work to do, I'm not sure how we're going to manage it with the boys. Today isn't too bad, we're just programming I think as the dataloggers are all made up and assembled. Wednesday will be terrible I think... I'm going to have to find someone who will have the boys all day cos I think we have to be on site and I think I need to be there too. I'm not sure though so will have to ask DH what's going on this week!

Not much to report on the baby-making front. I keep dreaming about it. I keep dreaming that we go and it works first time and we get our girl. But in my head I know it won't happen like that, it's not likely too, either that or it does happen and then I miscarry again. LOL And all of this and we don't even know yet if we've been accepted on the trial.

DH hates me calling it a clinical trial. FIL was supposed to be starting one last month to try and battle his cancer and give him a bit longer. He died though before it could even get started. I think the phrase just gets to DH. We want to pretend that this is a baby we're having naturally. Not one we're "manufacturing" because we're not lucky enough to produce a girl ourselves. And besides, I hate to think what people will say to or about her if they ever found out. People are arseholes most of the time, they can't see past their own needs and wants and beliefs.

I found some really lovely furniture for her room. Unfortunately because she'll be the only girl (unless we have multiples! Blum 3 ) she gets the smallest room in the house, which is currently DHs office. I want some really nice furniture for her room but I'm not sure it'll fit in there so as soon as we know we're getting a girl I'm having DH drag his office into our room so I can measure up and see if it will fit! Lol It's so pretty though, stressed white with heart detail! Very girlie!

I hope my little girl is a girlie one! Blum 3 I was never very girlie myself, but my sister is and it was always so much fun buying things for her. Lovely dresses, cute shoes and boots, fiddling with her hair, buying her make-up...

We've been discussing names again. We really like Anya, but others we're tossing up are Caleigh, Serenity, Annabella (not my cup of tea) and Brooke. I really want a pretty, girlie name that's slightly unusual!

Anyway, I better be off and work! I probably won't update here until I have something real to say, as it seems kind of pointless posting about nothing... Especially as I ramble on about it!!!!

My thoughts and prayers are going out to Cazz right now... STICK BABY STICK!!!!

Love,

Sarah-Jean

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:cry: I just had a email from the Microsort office. They didn't even bother to phone to let me know, just emailed over.

I had a bad feeling from the start about it anyway....

Apparently because of my history of miscarriage and epilepsy they can not take me on...

That leaves only one option and that is IVF with PGD.

I can hear the doors closing on my dream of having a girl already. I should have known better then to hope.[/quote]

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CD9?

I can't even remember where I am in my cycle. I'm still pretty upset about the email we got... But I guess looking at it from the bright side that gets rid of a lot of the indecision we had as to whether we should do IUI or IVF with PGD. We have no choice now, it's IVF or nothing.

Only problem is that limits us a bit more. We basically have two choices. Move to America for a month or so or going to the clinic in London who charge well over £10,000 for ONE cycle. :shock:

I don't know what would be better. I couldn't stand to be away from everyone by myself for a month, and I'm not sure how fair it is to pull the boys out of school. I don't actually think when all things are considered that going to America for a month will be any cheaper then paying the extortionate fee's of the London clinic.

DH is pretty set on the London Clinic. He says the money doesn't really matter, it's very convenient and would mean we only need to be out the country for a week during the whole treatment.

I've got intouch with the London clinic at any rate. It's about £200 for a consultation but I've asked for one anyway.

I suppose the other good thing that's come out of all this is that apparently the success rates are higher of getting pregnant, we'll know the embryo's put back are healthy ones and we'll definately get our girl!

We have pretty much decided to freeze any remaining embryo's (assuming there are any) until we really decide what to do with them, but at this point in time we're swaying towards donating them for research purposes unless we can find someone who really needs them and is willing to have a very open adoption and become extended family, so the kids could be like cousins.

Anyway, that's pretty much where we are now. It looks like big bucks at the London Clinic for us. Just waiting for the Dr to call us back and tell us when our consultation with him will be.

Love,

Sarah-Jean

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I am so confused now... I did a search for the London clinic guy and all that comes up is reports about him being sued, how he conned people out of tons of money... I haven't found one good success story yet! Aaaaarrrggghhhh!

However, I have found a number of US based places, so I guess we're going to America for a month or so!

DH is happy as this is what he wanted all along, we have been considering moving over there anyway in a few years when business is established, so this will give us a bit of a taste of things I suppose. We were supposed to have moved to Ohio in 2001, got all our work permits and Visa's through only I was too far pregnant with Tristan and we couldn't get any insurance to cover our medical expenses for the birth. DH refused to go without me and we'd bought our first house and moved in just 3 days before the papers came through (we'd given up and thought it would never happen so bought a house here!).....

I have asked a number of clinics for quotes, just waiting to hear back whether they will do it or not. I'm hoping we can go to the Florida clinic. Villa's are easy to rent out there, and the weather is nice. I'm also wondering whether we can put the boys into a Florida school for a month or so whilst we're out there? I don't know though... Is that fair? I mean, we'll be pulling them out of their school here, flying them halfway across the world, then dumping them in a school in Florida (well not literally dumping but you get the idea!) before uprooting them again in a month or so and dumping them back in their old school. It doesn't seem right to me.

I'm kind of hoping if we get accepted at the US clinic/s then we can do it in December. It's a lot earlier then I planned, but then they'd only be missing a couple of weeks of school. We'd be back here in time for Christmas Day with the families.... It just seems better to do it when we're going to be overlapping school holidays.

Their school won't be happy but I don't much care. I never wanted them to go to school anyway and we warned them when they first enrolled that we would occasionally have business travel that they would HAVE to come with us for as we can't leave them. So far we've been good and not pulled them out for any business travel, so they can hardly complain. They knew we home educated for business and social reasons. They knew we only put the boys in their school because they asked to go and they were warned we'd need to travel abroad on occasions, pulling the boys out of school.

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CD10

I've had a sign and I'm going to grab hold of it and take the ride! For the last week I've had the date August 28th on my mind. Never knew why, or what it meant but it's been there niggling at me. Of course, I ignored it figuring it was nothing just one of those stupid little things that pops into your mind occasionally and bugs you for awhile, like a song you can't get off your mind.

Then yesterday I got an email from the South Florida Institute of Reproductive Medicine, a place I emailed for no real reason, I can't even remember how I stumbled across their website, although I know I wasn't looking for clinics as I had two in mind. I must have looked at about 20 different clinics yesterday and this was the only one that I bothered to email, don't know why just did it really. That's the one I mentioned in my last post.

Anyway I got a response from them within hours. Saying they could and would help me and telling me the dates they had available to start my IVF cycle. I was excited but thought nothing more of it, although I'd be lying if I said I wasn't thinking about the possibility of going there.

Then all day yesterday I saw nothing but the word August and the number 28 everywhere I looked. And I mean EVERYWHERE. Then I have a dream that I gave birth to a little girl on the 28th August, which admittedly could be because the number was playing on my mind although I did say to DH a few days ago that I bet despite being due, should the IVF work, in September/October time that I would give birth at the end of August. I believe my words were “some stupid day, like August the 28th or something!”.

Anyway, just out of curiosity and because I hadn't done it yet and like to have a bit of fore-notice of these things, I went to pregnancy.org and typed in the dates the clinic gave me for starting my IVF cycle. Lo and behold what would my EDD be should I do the November 20th cycle???!!!

August 28th 2007

So that's it. My mind is made up. I am going to do my IVF with PGD cycle at SFIRM starting on November 20th cycle. I guess they're going to have to put me on birth control pills to suppress my cycle and manipulate it to fit that schedule... Not really sure how it all works if I'm honest but that's the only way I can think they'd do it. I do know when my cycle starts in October I have to go over there for CD3 testing and to find out about what drugs/hormones/protocols they want me to do... They said, in all likely hood the egg retrieval would then be scheduled for the 4th December. With the transfer being done 5 days later if all goes to plan.

That means by Christmas I could be pregnant again.... Eep! And by the time GhostFest comes around I'll be 27weeks pregnant... Double eep!

I'm just waiting for the clinic to come back and give me a real price guide of what this is going to cost us.

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CD11

Not that it matters what CD I'm on seeing as we aren't trying for a baby!!! I think I post it more out of habit, from years of journalling and tracking my cycles for birth control reasons!

I was naughty yesterday. We had to stop at Tesco's on the way back from our business meeting, for petrol and so I popped in to get something for dinner and saw they had a clothes sale on... Well, I went to see what they had and saw this gorgeous little denim and pink skirt and a lovely little white and pink top to match.

Yep. I bought it!

Martin is annoying me now with this clinic thing. I thought we'd decided on the Florida clinic and that was that. He's now announced he wants to go to one in California as he could do some business and work stuff out there too.... Grrrr.....

But at any rate the time frames are still the same... And it's all still going ahead. I can't wait to just get started now.

I'm going to ask Martin to take tomorrow off... I'm tired and fed up with working on his stuff, we haven't had a break in ages and we're both suffering from lack of sleep, stress, lack of food (we've been working too much and eating too little) and headaches now...

Love,

Sarah-Jean

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CD13

I have no idea what is up with my temps this cycle. It's odd, usually my temps are low until a day or two after I ovulate, and then they spike, but they're high already and have been climbing each day, so no idea what my body is doing this month. I just really hope it's doing the same as usual and maybe I'm just fighting off a bug or something making my temps do crazy things!

Not that it matters as Martin and I have been talking again.... And because I have some moral issues with going through IVF and PGD without a real need to do it, for the moment we're going to let it go. At least for the next six months, just so we have some real thinking time.

I am desperate for a daughter. Really, really desperate. And it's sad to say, but if someone told me tomorrow that I'd never have a girl (I don't believe I will anyway), that my next baby would definately be a boy, I'd not bother having anymore children. That's really bad isn't it. I just want a daughter so badly I feel like I'll do anything to get one. Martin feels the same but maybe not as strongly, although I know he blames himself for not "providing" me with one, as I tend to get really depressed about it.

Sometimes I think it wouldn't be so bad. Ashton is my baby, I love him with all my heart, so much I can't imagine I ever felt so much animosity towards him. I look into his clear blue eyes as he gazes up at me, and it just makes my whole being melt...... But could I feel that way with a 5th baby boy? I just don't know. There's something about Ashton that doesn't make me depressed. He makes my heart sing every day. But I'm terribly afraid of becoming depressed if we had another boy. Of hating him and wishing he didn't exist. I'm scared that I won't want to touch or hold him, that Martin will be left to care for him because I can't stand to be around him.... All stupid fears I suppose but very realistic to me, as I've been there and done that before.

I found out a "family" member is pregnant. And like I was with James, I just know this baby is going to be a girl. I guess I must be a bad person. I don't deserve a girl, and everyone else I know must be better then me in some way. I must have done something really terrible. Maybe it was my first baby. Maybe he's haunting me, preventing me from having what I most desire because I never gave him the chance.

I always think about him. I should never have had the abortion. Never. And I have got it in writing now, and witnessed, that should I ever be pregnant and it be a question/choice of my life over my baby's I am to be left to die. I know today is just a bad day... But today I am feeling like an evil person, who should be left out to rot in the sun as I deserve to be.

I cry most days over the fact I only have boys, and I torture myself by forever being surrounded by girl things. It's just not going to happen for me, I know it.

And I think I need to come to terms with that, before making hasty decisions to do things that go against my general moral beliefs. So we've decided to give it a rest for at least 6 months and then revisit the subject.

Martin is going to take me to the Maldives to cheer me up and so we can have at least one romantic holiday alone. Been married for almost 6 years, and together for 7 years and never really been on a holiday together alone. I mean, we went on our honeymoon but that doesn't really count as it was a complete flop and neither of us talks about it as it was such a miserable disaster. So yeah, the money we were going to spend on IVF, we're going to the Maldives instead. Martin is going to send me for some serious pampering apparently.

I don't much feel like I deserve it though.

Martin agreed to adoption "if that's what you want" today. I can't though, because I know he really doesn't want too. He'd keep going and keep going, no matter how many children it resulted in... So long as he could provide for them, he'd be happy.

I don't want him to feel guilted into doing something for me. I know in reality he doesn't but I FEEL like that's how it is... So we said we'd give it a rest. Ashton isn't even 7 months old yet, there's plenty of time yet.

I'd better go... I'm just upsetting myself again. I'm going to go and watch Martin booking our holiday.

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CD14

Something is up with my body. I don't know what or why but something is definately up. I just woke up after a nap, and went to the loo to discover I am spotting. That's really, REALLY seriousely odd for me. I NEVER have mid-cycle bleeding of any kind. I only ever had it once and that was the month I got pregnant with Ashton but that wasn't as heavy as this is..... :-?

I am so confused. My temps are playing up, my moods are everywhere, and now spotting. Odd, really odd.

I'm fairly sure I'm ovulating today as I have all the signs and symptoms but now I'm worried. Very worried. I should have booked that smear this month. I never got round to it because to be honest if something ever was wrong I don't think I'd want to know about it. I know that's stupid.

Anyway I can't book one now as I never have any internals done after I've ovulated and between AF. Mainly it's just a fail safe. Contraception has failed us on a number of occasions, so just "incase" I ever did become pregnant again I'd never forgive myself if I went on to miscarry because I had an internal done, as has happened to me before.

Anyway, I'm just going to carry on tracking my cycles here and tread water until we decide what to do with regards our family and extending it further.

Here's my chart if anyone cares to try and explain what's going on!!!

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/48b95

Love,

Sarah-Jean

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CD15

I'm feeling pretty crummy today. Which is strange as it's actually beena good day!

Tristan had a school friends party to go to today after school... Which was great, I was looking forward to it. He really likes this girl and she's really cute and sweet and everything I'd hope for in a daughter, so I was looking forward to the opportunity to do some shopping for a girl's birthday present. Let's face it unless I fork out thousands of pounds on a gamble, I'll never be buying girls presents for a daughter of my own.

I was really looking forward to it until the moment I stepped into Tesco's. Headed straight for the birthday cards first because I ALWAYS forget the cards!!! And then I saw the "Congratulations on your new baby daughter!" cards, and then came the "Happy Birthday to the best daughter in the world" cards... And I felt kind of fragile but moved away quickly.

Then we got to the girls toy aisle. All going well so far, until I realised everything has changed since my little sister was five and I have NO IDEA what to buy for a 5 year old little girl. The cute teddies. No too baby-ish. The electronic pets. No she's probably already got one. The Bratz dolls. No possibly a bit slutty for a 5 year old child.... Then I saw what looked like the perfect gift. A decorate your own Jewellery box. But hmmm... She'll need something to put in it though otherwise it's a bit boring right?! So I head upstairs and have to trawl through the girls clothing section to get to the jewellery... By this time I am close to tears. And then I hear the dreaded conversation, bought up by chavs everywhere I go it appears. "Wewl of course, Dave wan'ed a boy like. I was like, wateva. Girwls r sooo much betta ain't they really. Boys just wanna crawl 'bout in the mud like and be disgustin'. Besides, Dave din't know wat hit him like wen she came alon'."

All said with a fag hanging out their mouths, puffing over their children and then no doubt complaining 'cos they got asma (asthma) like an' the doc din't do nuffin fer it.

In the end I opted for a purple 2 child tent with fairies on the sides... I just had no idea what I was doing but by the time I picked the gift wrapping paper I was bawling and just wanted to escape.

And then came the actual party itself. Which was really good, infact Tristan has made us promise to let him have one there for his next birthday!!! But all the cute little girls, in their party outfits. Their mothers clucking round them making sure their hair was just right. All the pink and white just surrounding me at every corner. Whilst I watch the horrible boys as they pick on my precious Tristan. I got so mad at one point I went and gave one of the children, and the woman who was standing their supposedly watching them an earful. My poor beautiful Tristan had lined up for a go on something, only to get to the front of the cue and find out he needed his trainers on. So he'd gone away, lost his place and put his trainers on and got back to the end of the Q, only to get to two places from the front then have two little girls shove him out the way.

He was OK at that point and seemed not too bothered by being shoved out the way until a couple of older boys from his class came along and one of them actually started shoving and kicking him. Grabbed him by the collar of his new shirt and slammed him against the wall, poking him in the head and kicking him. :shock: It took all my strength not to kick that little bastards arse right there and then. Little shite. Nobody treats my kids like that. Especially Tristan. He's such a caring, compassionate person who is rarely even angry.

I'm so tempted to drag him out of school. The boy across the road told me that Tristan was being picked on and when I asked Tristan he denied it but said he didn't want to go to school anymore. And then AFTER I'D WITNESSED this happening and stalked over. Even after it'd all been sorted and Martin asked him about it he said it never happened. :cry: I just know Tristan is being picked on. He's doing everything I did when I wanted to hide it from the world and pretend it never happened because I didn't want to upset anyone or make anyone angry.

Anyway, yeah.

I'm feeling very down right now. I KNOW my life is good and I have nothing to complain about but I really can feel my depression creeping back. I don't need medical help or anything. I just feel very low right now and despite not being overly emotional I seem to spend most days crying....

Anyway, this is completely off topic. I'm going to go now and either Ebay or freecycle all the girls stuff I have in my house. I can't stand to be around it right now... The outfit I bought the other day I'm going to give to my friend James next time I see him as his little girl will probably fit it...

Love,

Sarah-Jean

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CD17

Aaaarrrggghhhhh!!!!

Why am I always so stupid?! Everything was fine, didn't even consider the fact I might get pregnant this month until I get up this morning and enter my temps into my chart. I stare, I gawp, I don't believe... So I go to the chart they have on Pg.org and enter my details for my whole cycle there. I stare, I gawp, I don't believe, then I cry....

I have no clue what my body is doing anymore. It's always been as regular as clockwork, no deviations, and then this month it goes haywire. Just as we decide not to do anything on the TTC front for a month or two and to just give talking about it a rest for awhile so we can both figure out how we feel.

It appears, according to fertility friend that I Od on CD11. The same day we DTD without protection for the "last" time until we were back in the safe zone. According to pg.org chart it says I Od on CD13. :cry:

I haven't been feeling well for several days now and just assumed it was down to my body fighting off an illness but now I'm not so sure. I'm tired, my stomach hurts like hell, I'm overly emotional and I feel sick a lot so I can't even eat.

This wasn't supposed to be a possibility. I'm so upset. According to fertility friend I am currently 6DPO. I'm hoping that as I enter my temps over the next few days it'll put my O day back, but I just don't think it will. I have this gut feeling that this is not going to work in my favour and we've blown it.

Not that I'm saying it's the end of the world, but I really didn't want to get pregnant this month. It wouldn't even be a possibility if for the first month in as many years as I've been doing this, my body hadn't screwed up on me. I mean, why now? HOW and WHY did my body suddenly decide to change on me? Regular as clockwork in ALL aspects for years and then this ONE MONTH it goes AWOL?????????? Surely that's not possible?

Martin is no help at all. He just says "well, it's obviousely meant to be if that's the case" and "it'll be great, it'll be fun! If you are then it's a blessing especially as it wasn't planned!".... Seriousely. HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME BLOODY FEEL BETTER????????!!!!!

:cry: I just have such a sinking feeling about this. Why now? Why did this one time my body decide to screw up and not do what it's done for months?

I was staring at my chart for over 45minutes trying to work it out. I had a massive temp dip on CD14 AND spotting (something else that never happens to me), but I knew 4 days is too short for implantation so even if I did O on CD11 it wouldn't be that surely? I wonder if maybe my temp dip on CD14 had something to do with the alcohol I'd consumed the night before? I keep hoping that the chart is wrong and that was really my O day but I just don't think it was....

I think the thing that scares me most. More then any of this is I really do feel like I could be pregnant. I've just got this feeling.

And if I am, it's going to be a boy. I just know it. Fate wouldn't be kind enough to not only screw my body up so things get messed up and I get pregnant AND let me have a girl. :cry: I can't stop crying today. I know I should be like Martin, be happy either way, but I just can't. My next pregnancy is my last and I'm only willing to go through it because 1/. Martin wants me too and 2/. I thought I'd definately get a daughter next time.... Otherwise I'd have gone straight to adoption.

I'm going to use one of my 10miu tests if my chart doesn't change over the next few days... I'll probably do a test on Sunday if my Ovulation date doesn't move between now and then as in theory I'd be 10 days past ovulation so hopefully it might pick up a yes or a no by then.....

SJ

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CD18 - 7DPO

Well my temps are still high. They've been the same 36.1 for the last three days. At first I thought my thermometer might be broken but I tested it and it's not, so I guess I'm just steady temps right now!

I was talking to my Mum yesterday and she made a comment something along the lines of "you would say that, you're negative"... That kind of smacked me in the face right there and then! Lol She's right of course, as always, I am very negative. I just don't ever believe good things will happen to me!

So, from now on I'm going to try my best to be positive rather then negative.

IF I am pregnant this month then that's great! I'm happy at the thought. I was shocked yesterday because I like the plan things and don't like surprises at all, but now I've slept on the idea I'd really like it if I was! I'm trying not to pin too much on symptoms right now although I have a ton of them. Like the sickness. It never goes away. I've felt sick constantly for the last four days now, eating doesn't help, drinking doesn't help, cooling myself down doesn't help, nothing helps it I just constantly feel sick! I choose to blame this heat rather then hope for pregnancy symptoms though.

My stomach really hurts too.... Sad I don't like it, that's one of the main things I hated about pregnancy, the constant pain. But again, maybe it's not pregnancy?! Who knows.

I really think it could be though! :shock:

And if I am, I don't mind what we have really. I've got four gorgeous little boys, another one wouldn't be sooooo bad. And maybe my Mum is right and I'll be like my Gran! She had four girls and then a boy, maybe I'll have four boys and then a girl like her - but the opposite obviousely! Blum 3

I'm going to try testing on Sunday when I'll be 10DPO... I hope I see two lines!!!

I don't really understand why my body decided to do a no-no or why it happened, but it obviousely did as neither of my charts have changed so far and I don't think they're going too... But I guess if I am pregnant then it's just meant to be.

Love,

Sarah-Jean

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CD19 - 8DPO

I wasted one of my tests today. I just couldn't wait any longer even though I knew it'd come out negative cos it's too early!!! Blum 3 LOL Strangely I actually felt better after I'd done it then if I'd waited for another day or so cos at least I know it's not showing a BFP!!!

I'll do another one on Sunday now and then another on Tuesday or something like that...

I actually feel a little better today... My stomach is still flopping around and making me feel sick but it's coming in waves now rather then all the time, so maybe it's just the heat getting to me or I'm fighting off a bug after all.

I've got to admit I'll be a little upset if I'm not pregnant. But I guess everything happens for a reason right? It'd have never even been a possibility if I hadn't have ovulated early for the first time in the few years I've been doing Natural Family Planning.

Oh I got my pack through from the Florida clinic for IVF with PGD today! It was really interesting reading through it all. They seem to think I'll only really need to make two trips out there. One just to check things over before I start down cycling and the other for 2 weeks during my IVF cycle! That's not too bad if we decide to go for it! It'll cost us about $9000 which isn't too bad either!

So psycho-somatic symptoms for today include:-
Headaches
Fatigue
Stomach Cramps
Tingling BBs
Nausea

All of which could be related to the heat, the fact I didn't get much sleep last night or the fact I'm actually ill after all! Lol Gotta love guess work right?!!!

On a seperate note my temps are confusing me... They've been the same steady 36.1 for the last four days running with no variation. Freaky! Never had that happen before!

Oh and according to the pregnancy calendar on pg.org the spotting I had on the 16th could have been due to the egg implanting as that's when it would have most likely happened apparently... And assuming I was/am pregnant this is what my blastocyst would look like right now...

Yeah. I'm reading way too much into this now and obsessing! I should stop now really or I'll be totally devestated! Blum 3

Love,

Sarah-Jean

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CD20 - 9DPO

Well, I feel much better today! So it must have just been a bug of some sort making me feel sick. I was going to do an early test tomorrow but just not sure it's worth it. I kind of feel now like maybe I'm not.

I hate the dreaded 2 week wait. It's like a bloody rollercoaster. I just want to know now. Get a BFP and move on with being pregnant, or get a BFN and move on with planning my IVF cycle. I hate not knowing.

Martin wants me to test tomorrow. I keep telling him I'll only be 10DPO so probably too early to get a real answer either way. :roll:

I might go and soak in the bath in a moment. Martin is off at the MILs house with the boys until 5:45, so that gives me at least an hour to go and soak!

Love,

Sarah-Jean

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CD21 - 10DPO

Well, I tested again today and it was another Big Fat Negative. I'm not surprised though as I've never had a Positive result this early. The earliest I ever got was with Ashton and that was at 12DPO.

To be honest, I'd be surprised if I did get a +++tive result. I just don't really feel pregnant. I guess I must have just been ill or the heat getting to me.

Argh, I'm going to go cos Martin and the kids are really, REALLY pissing me off now. :roll:

Tammy, I hope your IUI went well, I've been hanging around hoping to hear how it went!

Love,

Sarah-Jean

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CD23 - 12DPO

Two more BFNs later and I know I'm not pregnant. In a way I'm disappointed about it, even though I was upset when things all went a bit odd with my body... In another way I'm glad about it too because it means I can just get on with stuff now.

I'm actually considering going to the Drs today to get on the pill just so this can't happen again but I'm not sure how that would affect the IVF so I guess I should just leave it for now until I find out for sure.

I'm ill today. I have a cold. It came on suddenly yesterday and made me miserable all night. Sad

I'd better get off again!

Love,

Sarah-Jean

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CD25 - ?DPO

OK, I have no idea where or what is going on with this particular cycle anymore and I give up trying to figure it out. All I know is my cycles are almost always 25 days long and by cycle day 25 I normally have some spotting and by CD 26 Aunt Flo turns up and I'm back on CD1 again.

But despite having expected spotting all day I've had nothing. I mean nothing at all. No cramping, no sickness, no PMS, no spotting. Nothing.

I look at my charts everyday, obviousely, as I have to enter my temps and I've never seen anything like this. My temps are basically flat. They have varied a bit, but there is no decline in them and no real variation. I am so confused. I keep thinking if I Od on or around CD11-13 as fertility friend, pg.org and TCOYF say I did then I'd have had a positive test by now. And if I Od on CD14 as per normal then I haven't had any sign of an implantation dip, but my temps have been really regular and steady.

I'm just so confused. I expect my period will show up tomorrow. I just don't feel pregnant. If Aunt Flo isn't here by the morning then I guess I will test again. I've only got one test left though and don't really want to waste it. It's got an expiration date of 2008 so I could always keep it for when we decide to go ahead.

I am also seriousely considering phoning my GP tomorrow and asking for the Pill. I just don't know what I want right now. Yes I want a girl, but I don't want to get pregnant again. I love being pregnant but the thought just terrifies me as I'm always ill with it. I ALWAYS suffer from pregnancy and the last two/three pregnancies I've suffered from conditions that will never (and I mean NEVER) go away and will only ever get worse. I can't bear the thought of the pain. I just can't. It scares the Hell out of me.

I keep asking myself, do I want a little girl enough that I want to suffer like that again? I just don't think I do... I mean I do, but right now? My youngest is only just 7 months yesterday. And my oldest is only just 5 years. Do I really need the stress right now? Would it be so bad to be pregnant in a few years time. I mean, is 26/27 really that bad? Why do I feel the need to do it now and get it "over and done with"?

I made a conscious decision in my teens that I would never be pregnant once I'd reached 28-30 years old. And to be honest I still feel the same. It's purely selfish but I really don't want to be running around after squacking, whinging toddlers once I hit my 30s. I want to enjoy the extra time, money and other resources I am likely to have in my 30s. Not devote my time to young children. I have always felt that way, and I still do and probably always will.

Don't get me wrong, I know it works for others. But I'm selfish. I don't want the hard work. I want ME time, when I can go travelling, when I can afford to go out shopping and have girlie days out and just enjoy my life and the stuff we've worked hard for, without worrying about stuff. I don't WANT to be worrying about leaving a baby or toddler for the first time. About feeling guilty cos I've gone out shopping and not taken my kids with me. I'm selfish and I admit it. Others preferred and chose to do it the other way around, they enjoyed their late teens and 20s, got heavily in debt and did things they probably couldn't really afford to do. I've spent my 20s raising children, working up to a nice house and doing the heavy "mum" stuff. My 30s I intend to be selfish. My 40s I intend to be 100% selfish and by my 50s I suspect I'll have grandchildren and I'll be back to devoted and spoiling them!

Argh. I'm so fed up with this. Why couldn't I be "normal", and have a mixture of boys and girls????? Everyone else manages it, why not me? What's wrong with me that I can't do it? And you know what's worse? It's the judging.

"I wouldn't go that far just to get a girl."
"I was never bothered about what I had so long as my children were healthy."
"You're obsessed. I think you should consider therapy."

:roll: :roll: :roll:

And it is ALWAYS people who have at least one of each who say these stupid hurtful things. They're also the first to open their big gobs and make out like they have the "perfect" family. What? So suddenly my family is a pile of shite because I don't have a girl in the mixture????! Thanks a bunch.

There's no winning in this situation. You're either selfish to want what you don't have, or pityed and ridicouled for what you do. Usually in the same sentance.

You know what's really sad. Is if I'd have known things would be like this, and people would be so horrible, I'd have saved my children the harsh comments and ignorance and stopped at baby #1. I dread having a 5th boy for what will be said to him. :cry:

Anyway, I guess I'll post in the morning with an update of some sort.

Sarah-Jean

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CD27

I am now officially 2 days late. Only problem is I ran out of tests the other day cos I got a bit addicted to testing, so I can't even check! Plus I don't really feel pregnant so I'm thinking I'm maybe just having a screwy cycle?

Who knows. I said to Martin though if my period doesn't start by tomorrow I'm sending him out to buy another test for me!

In a way I kind of hope it doesn't now that it's late. But in another way I hope that it does cos Martin's just bought me a new car and I couldn't fit 5 kids into it!!! Blum 3Lol Yeah... OK, so that bit doesn't really bother me, I'm joking!

Meh, I'm having some cramps and backache but that could be because I did some really heavy physical work yesterday and my muscles aren't used to it... My temps on my chart are down today, but to be honest I didn't even get to bed until around 4am, and then I was late to temp as well by about 2 hours so I don't know if that would affect anything at all?

I guess it's just a waiting game now.

Love,

Sarah-Jean

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CD28

Well my charts all changed today... Oddly enough! Blum 3 They now say I Od on CD14 rather then CD11-13. I think that sounds more likely if I'm honest in which case there's not really much chance at all that I'm pregnant.

This has been a long cycle for me though. I'm now 3 days late. Grrr... Hurry up and get here already AF!!!!

LOL

I guess we better start planning for our IVF now. I don't know, I really need to talk to Martin more about it all, get a proper feel for what he thinks should be the next step and figure out how I feel about it all.

Love,

Sarah-Jean

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Just an quick update. Martin and I just had a massive arguement about an hour ago and I went and locked myself in the bathroom and had a bath, by the time I came out I was bleeding lightly, so I guess this is AF.

Oh well... I'm not as disappointed or upset as I thought I might be. I guess miracles don't really happen.

I am going to the Drs tomorrow to go on the pill. I don't want anymore little "accidents" between now and the time we actually start trying for a baby.

Back to our original plan then I suppose. Although I'm not really sure of the timescales, I can't imagine being pregnant again. If truth be told I'd really rather just move straight to adoption, it's only Martin that's holding back. If I was offered a hysterectomy tomorrow I'd take it. That says a lot I think... I'm not just being melodramatic.

I was just watching Malcolm In The Middle on TV and thought how much like that family we are... Four boys, dysfunctional, forever screaming at each other or bickering, but always pulling through when it matters. And then I remembered that in the latest series they had a baby... A 5th boy. I don't want to be the Malcolm In The Middle family. It's all OK for people who don't have that many kids to say "I'd take whatever I get" or "You should never have a baby for it's gender, only cos you want a baby"... I'd like to see those people in my position and hear them saying that, because I can tell you right now I was there, saying the same things, judging people in my current situation, in just the same way as I am now being judged.

And it sucks. Big time.

So yeah, I'm just going to go back on the pill. I hate it, but that's life. And life sucks sometimes.

Sarah-Jean

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CD4

Not much to report really. I didn't get the pill. I spoke to Martin instead who was convinced I was pregnant last month and seems quite upset that I'm not... He wants to go ahead with whatever we decide to do soon.

Except now he wants to do natural gender selection. :roll: I'm sorry but I just can't get excited by this concept. I want a girl, the last four children we've had has shown we sway towards boys... Why take the risk of having a fifth?

I guess if we tried natural gender selection then it wouldn't be so bad, I just get nervous at the idea of having no sure fire way of getting a girl and ending up with another little boy. I just never see me having a girl now.

Martin bought me a unicorn the other day as a good luck charm. It makes me sad to see it, if I'm honest. He made all of us pick out hearts and make a wish to be sewn into the unicorn. Wishes don't come true though, so I'm not holding my breath.

Martin found this kit thing online, it gives you advice and the things you'll need for natural gender selection. I guess it's worth a go if we're going down that road - nothing else will make a difference so if he wants to waste his money then I suppose that's upto him.

I told him I am only willing to have another baby in certain months, so that's given me some time. I refuse to have a baby in Jan, Feb, Mar, Apr, May, Jun, Jul, early Aug, or December. That only leaves September, October and November! Blum 3 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

He's thinking this year, I'm thinking next year... I guess I'll probably go with whatever. Doesn't make much difference to me as such, now I know I won't be having a girl. My body is shot to ribbons anyway, so what does it matter when we have another one. At least if I get it over and done with I might recover and then never have to go through another pregnancy again and then I can get on with my life without all this baby-making stuff and stress!

Martin has now agreed. If we do not have a girl next, we will adopt. He's pretty certain though. He says he has "this feeling". I say :roll: . How many times have I had people say that to me before. And they're ALWAYS wrong.

So yeah. Apparently I've got to carry on charting so we can track when things are likely to happen when we do decide to go for it. Plus I've got to start popping a load of supplements and eating stuff I don't even like.... Martin is going to switch underwear or something stupid like that and start/stop taking hot baths... I don't know. I've kind of lost interest. If it makes Martin happy then it makes me happy, right?!

Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't mind having another boy, which is why I'm not kicking up more fuss. I thought I'd mind with Raistlin and Ashton and that it would affect my feelings for them, but I don't and it doesn't. They're my special little men. I just can't drum up enthusiasm for this idea cos I just know it won't work.

I don't know when we'll be trying. Probably January time or thereabouts as an October baby would be ideal for me. I also wanted a Halloween baby!

So yeah, anyway. That's where we are right now. Can't see much changing now the decision has been made, but you know me - up and down, back and forth.... We'll see I suppose!

Biggrin

Love,

Sarah-Jean

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CD8

Well, that's me depressed... :roll: Apparently, now I'm not only a failure in the child bearing stakes, I'm also ugly.

2 August 2006
Beautiful parents have more girl babies

Parents who are physically attractive are more likely to have daughters than plainer-looking parents, new research suggests.

Katie and Tom, Brad and Angelina and Reese and Ryan – stars celebrated for their looks – all gave birth to first-born daughters, something that professors at the London School of Economics say is no accident.

In a study of 2,972 adults, Dr Satoshi Kanazawa found that better-looking parents were 36 per cent more likely to have daughters, and offered an evolutionary explanation for the reasons behind the difference, saying good looks were more important for women to attract better mates.

Dr Kanazawa said: "We have shown two things. Beautiful parents have more daughters than ugly parents because physical attractiveness is heritable and because daughters benefit from this more than sons."

Less attractive parents had more sons – who are more likely to benefit from 'male' characteristics such as strength, size and aggression – because their evolutionary strategy was more geared towards outwitting competitors and protecting the family line.

The theory suggests that over the years women are becoming more attractive than men, concludes the report, which was published in the Journal of Theoretical Biology.

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CD10

It's really odd and I know it's been a bit up and down, but I think I'm going to wrap up this journal for the moment. There are no babies on the horizon, and I don't feel in the slightest bit broody. Sure I want a little girl, more then anything, but I'm just not sure I want 5 children. I'm not broody, I don't "feel the call" to be pregnant... I don't actually WANT to be pregnant at all.

Yes, Martin's pretty upset about it. He's broody and wants to start TTC again soon, but I just don't think I can be bothered. I hate nappy changing, sleepless nights, feeding solids by hand, the terrible two's, school runs when they're only in Nursery so you end up going to the school three/four times a day.... Yeah. I'm seriousely thinking we should stop here, where we are.

As Martin's Nan always says "You know God truely loves you if he gives you boys".

Besides, my cut off for children is 28 years old. I'm not even 24 yet!!! Although I will be in 10 days! Wooooo!!!!

Somethings make me sad. I told Martin we're not going ahead with our tenth wedding anniversary. It just won't be the same, the way I dreamed it would be, without a little girl twirling in her pretty dress. And what's the point in doing something if it won't live up to the dream?

I am phoning for an appointment to have my smear done tomorrow. I know I've said that numerous times but I never did it before. I just didn't want to get bad news before I had another baby. I figured if I had a problem then I'd rather not know about it beforehand. But now it doesn't matter anyway. I'll also ask for the pill at the same time, so I can start taking it when my next AF comes. I haven't told Martin yet. I probably won't tell him for awhile until I've been taking it for awhile. There's no point, he'll only argue me out of doing it.

For now I'm quite happy with this. I actually don't feel at all bad about it like I did in the past. I like being the Queen of my house as Tristan calls me! "You're our special girl Mummy, and we like you to have nice things!" LOL I don't know where he got that one from, but it was sweet anyway!

I'll come back and write here if I ever have the need. I shouldn't think it'll be for quite awhile though.

Good luck to everyone who is currently TTC and in the 2WW! I'll keep checking in on you all to see how you're doing!

Love,

Sarah-Jean

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CD5

Argh! Coming here always makes me so horribly broody. Not helped by the fact that I'm seeing pregnant women EVERYWHERE right now... Oh and DH is broody too..

Little Ashton is 8 months old now... We were already planning our next baby when JJ and Raisti were his age...

So tempted to just go for it and figure if it happens, it happens... If it doesn't then it's not meant to be...

We were actually talking about this last night. We came to no conclusion obviousely but we did come very close to deciding to leave it in the hands of fate.

I can't believe I've barely been gone from here before I'm back!!!

Argh!

However, I am taking steps to get healthy. I have started eating properly... I'm on 1200 calories a day and hitting that target, sometimes I even get over it. It's not great, I think it's probably the equivalent of a very strict diet but it's a LOT more then I was consuming day by day... I mean it'd have probably taken me at least 3/4 days to hit 1200 before when I wasn't controlling myself.

I've cut down alcohol as well, which is fabby. I exercise now too!

So yeah, doing good stuff to get healthy. My hips aren't even too bad now and rarely hurt unless I really over do it. Of course I know my fate with my hips when I do become pregnant, but it's nice to think I've healed this quickly so far! Smile

Anyway, I'm not actively trying for the moment. Idon't know when we even will be, IF we will be... But seeing as we seem to be working my body up towards proper health for the future.

As for the gender thing... We've not mentioned it at all, except to say we both want to go natural and we love our current boys very, VERY much - so surely it wouldn't be such a bad thing if we had a 5th?

Who knows... Guess we'll see. At any rate we won't be TTC this month because my EDD would be June 1st... The day before GhostFest. Considering the last two pregnancies I gave birth or went into labour on my EDD, that's not a great idea!!!

Don't really know why I'm surprised by all this to-ing and fro-ing on the decision - we've done this everytime. Yes we'll try, no we won't, yes let's go for it, no let's stop... Lol

Love,

Sarah-Jean

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CD11,

Sigh... I want to be pregnant again. It's so annoying. Nothing in my mind is very clear right now, I just have so much going on but I do want to be pregnant again. Just give it one last shot at getting a daughter. I know in reality I'll probably never have a daughter, the odds are stacked seriousely against us, but I want it soooo much.

We went out with our friends who have a little girl aged5 months. She's our Goddaughter and just so cute. I think that's what's bought this on.... She was wearing pink and they were proudly showing off her studio photo's etc... I was so pleased to see her but so sad at the same time.

The problem is, will one last shot really be one last shot? Or will it be the type of last shot the last two shots were!!! Lol

This month isn't good anyway. I'd be due on June 1st! BAD, BAD, BAD! But maybe in the next few months... Who knows....

Love,

Sarah-Jean

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Posted: Mon Oct 23, 2006 5:10 pm Post subject:

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Things are odd round here right now.... I went on the pill a short while ago, then was switched due to health reasons to the mini pill and had a 5 -6 week long period so I threw the pills out last week.

So I guess I'm no longer in the pill. We aren't TTC, but then we aren't preventing it either. Martin is desperate for a little girl now. Probably more so then I am - I kind of think it'd be cool to have five boys now we've come this far... It'd make all the horrid "five a side football team" jokes people think are so funny even more of a larf then they already are.

So yeah. Not trying, not preventing, not even thinking about it. To be honest I'm kind of thinking after the last birth and the horrible infection I got in my womb that went untreated for months and months until it eventually went away by itself has messed up my whole system. Nothing is the same now as it's always been with my cycles. I get a lot of pain, really heavy bleeding... So I'm thinking it's probably affected my fertility in some way, those kinds of infection normally do.

Not that I'm bothered. If I got pregnant tomorrow it'd be OK, and if I didn't get pregnant for a year it'd be OK - I'm quite happy either way, it's mainly Martin that it's bothering right now.

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I promised myself I wouldn't work out dates and the like this time around - just go with whatever comes or doesn't as the case may be.... Couldn't help myself though I reckon if I did get pregnant this month, which let's face it is unlikely considering I just came off the mini-pill I'd be due around the end of July.... :-? That's scary.... For some reason I thought we were later into next year then that. Martin's happy though - he's convinced himself our next baby will be a girl and won't even talk about what may happen if it's a boy.

When it does happen though we've only discussed homebirth again. Martin wants it to be just us next time, he says we've done the big family style birth where everyone and their neighbour is invited to be there and now he wants it to be just us next time - not even anyone there to watch the kids. I can see where he's coming from I suppose. Either way I don't mind, it doesn't really bother me. My last homebirth I didn't really notice anyone there although I talked to the people around me I'd have been just as happy completely alone by myself.

Martin doesn't particularly want to find out the gender beforehand either, and says if we do he doesn't want to tell anyone what the baby is... He (and must admit the same goes for me) is fed up with all the comments people give us when we find out what we're having beforehand. Rather then just being happy for us, we tend to get a lot of stupid comments which are quite hurtful. So either way it goes we either won't know so they can't say anything, or we won't tell anyone so they can't say anything.

Martin is worried about my health though. I keep telling him I'll be fine. When it happens, it happens for a reason I reckon... I don't feel ill, I am eating healthier then I can remember eating in years. I exercise more too and I feel healthy in my mind as well. I do have down days still when all I want to do is lie in bed and die but most of the time I feel great. Really happy. I've even started dressing up, putting on make-up, doing my hair... Martin and the boys think it's great and I enjoy it too!

And our relationship is better then ever at the moment. We're happy in each others company, we talk more and we spend more quality time together. The kids are happy, we spend a lot more time with them too...

Ok, so I AM going to get SPD again. That can't be helped or avoided, but I am going to invest in products the minute I find out I'm expecting to try and minimise the damage. I never really looked after my pregnant self before, and there are a lot of things I could have done to help myself but I didn't. I just ignored them and hoped they'd go away. Next time I will invest in a full body pillow, support props, I won't stress my body so much and I may even be persuaded to try out acupressure as I've heard that's great for SPD!

Anyway, it's all just things to think about.... We've agreed not to stress over it all, or think about it too much. No names, no sex selection, no timing, no tracking.... Just let it happen the way it happens when it does happen.

Tristan is too cute. The boys don't know anything about our plans now, but he found my breast pump today and asked me why we'd kept it seeing as Ashton didn't need it anymore. I said we'd kept it because we'd need it when we have another baby to which he replied "I only want a girl baby next time Mummy. I'm fed up with little brothers!" LolLolLol LMAO

Naturally I told him we didn't get a choice in the matter and we'd get whatever God decided to send to us.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I won't be posting here much probably, as not much to say really seeing as there's no planning to this... Just thoughts and idea's for what we'll do when it does eventually happen and cycle dates so that the midwife can date it when it does happen.

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