Not that it matters what CD I'm on seeing as we aren't trying for a baby!!! I think I post it more out of habit, from years of journalling and tracking my cycles for birth control reasons!
I was naughty yesterday. We had to stop at Tesco's on the way back from our business meeting, for petrol and so I popped in to get something for dinner and saw they had a clothes sale on... Well, I went to see what they had and saw this gorgeous little denim and pink skirt and a lovely little white and pink top to match.
Yep. I bought it!
Martin is annoying me now with this clinic thing. I thought we'd decided on the Florida clinic and that was that. He's now announced he wants to go to one in California as he could do some business and work stuff out there too.... Grrrr.....
But at any rate the time frames are still the same... And it's all still going ahead. I can't wait to just get started now.
I'm going to ask Martin to take tomorrow off... I'm tired and fed up with working on his stuff, we haven't had a break in ages and we're both suffering from lack of sleep, stress, lack of food (we've been working too much and eating too little) and headaches now...
I have no idea what is up with my temps this cycle. It's odd, usually my temps are low until a day or two after I ovulate, and then they spike, but they're high already and have been climbing each day, so no idea what my body is doing this month. I just really hope it's doing the same as usual and maybe I'm just fighting off a bug or something making my temps do crazy things!
Not that it matters as Martin and I have been talking again.... And because I have some moral issues with going through IVF and PGD without a real need to do it, for the moment we're going to let it go. At least for the next six months, just so we have some real thinking time.
I am desperate for a daughter. Really, really desperate. And it's sad to say, but if someone told me tomorrow that I'd never have a girl (I don't believe I will anyway), that my next baby would definately be a boy, I'd not bother having anymore children. That's really bad isn't it. I just want a daughter so badly I feel like I'll do anything to get one. Martin feels the same but maybe not as strongly, although I know he blames himself for not "providing" me with one, as I tend to get really depressed about it.
Sometimes I think it wouldn't be so bad. Ashton is my baby, I love him with all my heart, so much I can't imagine I ever felt so much animosity towards him. I look into his clear blue eyes as he gazes up at me, and it just makes my whole being melt...... But could I feel that way with a 5th baby boy? I just don't know. There's something about Ashton that doesn't make me depressed. He makes my heart sing every day. But I'm terribly afraid of becoming depressed if we had another boy. Of hating him and wishing he didn't exist. I'm scared that I won't want to touch or hold him, that Martin will be left to care for him because I can't stand to be around him.... All stupid fears I suppose but very realistic to me, as I've been there and done that before.
I found out a "family" member is pregnant. And like I was with James, I just know this baby is going to be a girl. I guess I must be a bad person. I don't deserve a girl, and everyone else I know must be better then me in some way. I must have done something really terrible. Maybe it was my first baby. Maybe he's haunting me, preventing me from having what I most desire because I never gave him the chance.
I always think about him. I should never have had the abortion. Never. And I have got it in writing now, and witnessed, that should I ever be pregnant and it be a question/choice of my life over my baby's I am to be left to die. I know today is just a bad day... But today I am feeling like an evil person, who should be left out to rot in the sun as I deserve to be.
I cry most days over the fact I only have boys, and I torture myself by forever being surrounded by girl things. It's just not going to happen for me, I know it.
And I think I need to come to terms with that, before making hasty decisions to do things that go against my general moral beliefs. So we've decided to give it a rest for at least 6 months and then revisit the subject.
Martin is going to take me to the Maldives to cheer me up and so we can have at least one romantic holiday alone. Been married for almost 6 years, and together for 7 years and never really been on a holiday together alone. I mean, we went on our honeymoon but that doesn't really count as it was a complete flop and neither of us talks about it as it was such a miserable disaster. So yeah, the money we were going to spend on IVF, we're going to the Maldives instead. Martin is going to send me for some serious pampering apparently.
I don't much feel like I deserve it though.
Martin agreed to adoption "if that's what you want" today. I can't though, because I know he really doesn't want too. He'd keep going and keep going, no matter how many children it resulted in... So long as he could provide for them, he'd be happy.
I don't want him to feel guilted into doing something for me. I know in reality he doesn't but I FEEL like that's how it is... So we said we'd give it a rest. Ashton isn't even 7 months old yet, there's plenty of time yet.
I'd better go... I'm just upsetting myself again. I'm going to go and watch Martin booking our holiday.
Something is up with my body. I don't know what or why but something is definately up. I just woke up after a nap, and went to the loo to discover I am spotting. That's really, REALLY seriousely odd for me. I NEVER have mid-cycle bleeding of any kind. I only ever had it once and that was the month I got pregnant with Ashton but that wasn't as heavy as this is.....
I am so confused. My temps are playing up, my moods are everywhere, and now spotting. Odd, really odd.
I'm fairly sure I'm ovulating today as I have all the signs and symptoms but now I'm worried. Very worried. I should have booked that smear this month. I never got round to it because to be honest if something ever was wrong I don't think I'd want to know about it. I know that's stupid.
Anyway I can't book one now as I never have any internals done after I've ovulated and between AF. Mainly it's just a fail safe. Contraception has failed us on a number of occasions, so just "incase" I ever did become pregnant again I'd never forgive myself if I went on to miscarry because I had an internal done, as has happened to me before.
Anyway, I'm just going to carry on tracking my cycles here and tread water until we decide what to do with regards our family and extending it further.
Here's my chart if anyone cares to try and explain what's going on!!!
I'm feeling pretty crummy today. Which is strange as it's actually beena good day!
Tristan had a school friends party to go to today after school... Which was great, I was looking forward to it. He really likes this girl and she's really cute and sweet and everything I'd hope for in a daughter, so I was looking forward to the opportunity to do some shopping for a girl's birthday present. Let's face it unless I fork out thousands of pounds on a gamble, I'll never be buying girls presents for a daughter of my own.
I was really looking forward to it until the moment I stepped into Tesco's. Headed straight for the birthday cards first because I ALWAYS forget the cards!!! And then I saw the "Congratulations on your new baby daughter!" cards, and then came the "Happy Birthday to the best daughter in the world" cards... And I felt kind of fragile but moved away quickly.
Then we got to the girls toy aisle. All going well so far, until I realised everything has changed since my little sister was five and I have NO IDEA what to buy for a 5 year old little girl. The cute teddies. No too baby-ish. The electronic pets. No she's probably already got one. The Bratz dolls. No possibly a bit ****ty for a 5 year old child.... Then I saw what looked like the perfect gift. A decorate your own Jewellery box. But hmmm... She'll need something to put in it though otherwise it's a bit boring right?! So I head upstairs and have to trawl through the girls clothing section to get to the jewellery... By this time I am close to tears. And then I hear the dreaded conversation, bought up by chavs everywhere I go it appears. "Wewl of course, Dave wan'ed a boy like. I was like, wateva. Girwls r sooo much betta ain't they really. Boys just wanna crawl 'bout in the mud like and be disgustin'. Besides, Dave din't know wat hit him like wen she came alon'."
All said with a fag hanging out their mouths, puffing over their children and then no doubt complaining 'cos they got asma (asthma) like an' the doc din't do nuffin fer it.
In the end I opted for a purple 2 child tent with fairies on the sides... I just had no idea what I was doing but by the time I picked the gift wrapping paper I was bawling and just wanted to escape.
And then came the actual party itself. Which was really good, infact Tristan has made us promise to let him have one there for his next birthday!!! But all the cute little girls, in their party outfits. Their mothers clucking round them making sure their hair was just right. All the pink and white just surrounding me at every corner. Whilst I watch the horrible boys as they pick on my precious Tristan. I got so mad at one point I went and gave one of the children, and the woman who was standing their supposedly watching them an earful. My poor beautiful Tristan had lined up for a go on something, only to get to the front of the cue and find out he needed his trainers on. So he'd gone away, lost his place and put his trainers on and got back to the end of the Q, only to get to two places from the front then have two little girls shove him out the way.
He was OK at that point and seemed not too bothered by being shoved out the way until a couple of older boys from his class came along and one of them actually started shoving and kicking him. Grabbed him by the collar of his new shirt and slammed him against the wall, poking him in the head and kicking him. It took all my strength not to kick that little bastards arse right there and then. Little ****e. Nobody treats my kids like that. Especially Tristan. He's such a caring, compassionate person who is rarely even angry.
I'm so tempted to drag him out of school. The boy across the road told me that Tristan was being picked on and when I asked Tristan he denied it but said he didn't want to go to school anymore. And then AFTER I'D WITNESSED this happening and stalked over. Even after it'd all been sorted and Martin asked him about it he said it never happened. I just know Tristan is being picked on. He's doing everything I did when I wanted to hide it from the world and pretend it never happened because I didn't want to upset anyone or make anyone angry.
I'm feeling very down right now. I KNOW my life is good and I have nothing to complain about but I really can feel my depression creeping back. I don't need medical help or anything. I just feel very low right now and despite not being overly emotional I seem to spend most days crying....
Anyway, this is completely off topic. I'm going to go now and either Ebay or freecycle all the girls stuff I have in my house. I can't stand to be around it right now... The outfit I bought the other day I'm going to give to my friend James next time I see him as his little girl will probably fit it...
Why am I always so stupid?! Everything was fine, didn't even consider the fact I might get pregnant this month until I get up this morning and enter my temps into my chart. I stare, I gawp, I don't believe... So I go to the chart they have on Pg.org and enter my details for my whole cycle there. I stare, I gawp, I don't believe, then I cry....
I have no clue what my body is doing anymore. It's always been as regular as clockwork, no deviations, and then this month it goes haywire. Just as we decide not to do anything on the TTC front for a month or two and to just give talking about it a rest for awhile so we can both figure out how we feel.
It appears, according to fertility friend that I Od on CD11. The same day we DTD without protection for the "last" time until we were back in the safe zone. According to pg.org chart it says I Od on CD13.
I haven't been feeling well for several days now and just assumed it was down to my body fighting off an illness but now I'm not so sure. I'm tired, my stomach hurts like hell, I'm overly emotional and I feel sick a lot so I can't even eat.
This wasn't supposed to be a possibility. I'm so upset. According to fertility friend I am currently 6DPO. I'm hoping that as I enter my temps over the next few days it'll put my O day back, but I just don't think it will. I have this gut feeling that this is not going to work in my favour and we've blown it.
Not that I'm saying it's the end of the world, but I really didn't want to get pregnant this month. It wouldn't even be a possibility if for the first month in as many years as I've been doing this, my body hadn't screwed up on me. I mean, why now? HOW and WHY did my body suddenly decide to change on me? Regular as clockwork in ALL aspects for years and then this ONE MONTH it goes AWOL?????????? Surely that's not possible?
Martin is no help at all. He just says "well, it's obviousely meant to be if that's the case" and "it'll be great, it'll be fun! If you are then it's a blessing especially as it wasn't planned!".... Seriousely. HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME BLOODY FEEL BETTER????????!!!!!
I just have such a sinking feeling about this. Why now? Why did this one time my body decide to screw up and not do what it's done for months?
I was staring at my chart for over 45minutes trying to work it out. I had a massive temp dip on CD14 AND spotting (something else that never happens to me), but I knew 4 days is too short for implantation so even if I did O on CD11 it wouldn't be that surely? I wonder if maybe my temp dip on CD14 had something to do with the alcohol I'd consumed the night before? I keep hoping that the chart is wrong and that was really my O day but I just don't think it was....
I think the thing that scares me most. More then any of this is I really do feel like I could be pregnant. I've just got this feeling.
And if I am, it's going to be a boy. I just know it. Fate wouldn't be kind enough to not only screw my body up so things get messed up and I get pregnant AND let me have a girl. I can't stop crying today. I know I should be like Martin, be happy either way, but I just can't. My next pregnancy is my last and I'm only willing to go through it because 1/. Martin wants me too and 2/. I thought I'd definately get a daughter next time.... Otherwise I'd have gone straight to adoption.
I'm going to use one of my 10miu tests if my chart doesn't change over the next few days... I'll probably do a test on Sunday if my Ovulation date doesn't move between now and then as in theory I'd be 10 days past ovulation so hopefully it might pick up a yes or a no by then.....
Well my temps are still high. They've been the same 36.1 for the last three days. At first I thought my thermometer might be broken but I tested it and it's not, so I guess I'm just steady temps right now!
I was talking to my Mum yesterday and she made a comment something along the lines of "you would say that, you're negative"... That kind of smacked me in the face right there and then! She's right of course, as always, I am very negative. I just don't ever believe good things will happen to me!
So, from now on I'm going to try my best to be positive rather then negative.
IF I am pregnant this month then that's great! I'm happy at the thought. I was shocked yesterday because I like the plan things and don't like surprises at all, but now I've slept on the idea I'd really like it if I was! I'm trying not to pin too much on symptoms right now although I have a ton of them. Like the sickness. It never goes away. I've felt sick constantly for the last four days now, eating doesn't help, drinking doesn't help, cooling myself down doesn't help, nothing helps it I just constantly feel sick! I choose to blame this heat rather then hope for pregnancy symptoms though.
My stomach really hurts too.... I don't like it, that's one of the main things I hated about pregnancy, the constant pain. But again, maybe it's not pregnancy?! Who knows.
I really think it could be though!
And if I am, I don't mind what we have really. I've got four gorgeous little boys, another one wouldn't be sooooo bad. And maybe my Mum is right and I'll be like my Gran! She had four girls and then a boy, maybe I'll have four boys and then a girl like her - but the opposite obviousely!
I'm going to try testing on Sunday when I'll be 10DPO... I hope I see two lines!!!
I don't really understand why my body decided to do a no-no or why it happened, but it obviousely did as neither of my charts have changed so far and I don't think they're going too... But I guess if I am pregnant then it's just meant to be.
I wasted one of my tests today. I just couldn't wait any longer even though I knew it'd come out negative cos it's too early!!! :P LOL Strangely I actually felt better after I'd done it then if I'd waited for another day or so cos at least I know it's not showing a BFP!!!
I'll do another one on Sunday now and then another on Tuesday or something like that...
I actually feel a little better today... My stomach is still flopping around and making me feel sick but it's coming in waves now rather then all the time, so maybe it's just the heat getting to me or I'm fighting off a bug after all.
I've got to admit I'll be a little upset if I'm not pregnant. But I guess everything happens for a reason right? It'd have never even been a possibility if I hadn't have ovulated early for the first time in the few years I've been doing Natural Family Planning.
Oh I got my pack through from the Florida clinic for IVF with PGD today! It was really interesting reading through it all. They seem to think I'll only really need to make two trips out there. One just to check things over before I start down cycling and the other for 2 weeks during my IVF cycle! That's not too bad if we decide to go for it! It'll cost us about $9000 which isn't too bad either!
So psycho-somatic symptoms for today include:-
All of which could be related to the heat, the fact I didn't get much sleep last night or the fact I'm actually ill after all! Gotta love guess work right?!!!
On a seperate note my temps are confusing me... They've been the same steady 36.1 for the last four days running with no variation. Freaky! Never had that happen before!
Oh and according to the pregnancy calendar on pg.org the spotting I had on the 16th could have been due to the egg implanting as that's when it would have most likely happened apparently... And assuming I was/am pregnant this is what my blastocyst would look like right now...
Yeah. I'm reading way too much into this now and obsessing! I should stop now really or I'll be totally devestated! :P
Well, I feel much better today! So it must have just been a bug of some sort making me feel sick. I was going to do an early test tomorrow but just not sure it's worth it. I kind of feel now like maybe I'm not.
I hate the dreaded 2 week wait. It's like a bloody rollercoaster. I just want to know now. Get a BFP and move on with being pregnant, or get a BFN and move on with planning my IVF cycle. I hate not knowing.
Martin wants me to test tomorrow. I keep telling him I'll only be 10DPO so probably too early to get a real answer either way.
I might go and soak in the bath in a moment. Martin is off at the MILs house with the boys until 5:45, so that gives me at least an hour to go and soak!
Two more BFNs later and I know I'm not pregnant. In a way I'm disappointed about it, even though I was upset when things all went a bit odd with my body... In another way I'm glad about it too because it means I can just get on with stuff now.
I'm actually considering going to the Drs today to get on the pill just so this can't happen again but I'm not sure how that would affect the IVF so I guess I should just leave it for now until I find out for sure.
I'm ill today. I have a cold. It came on suddenly yesterday and made me miserable all night.