CD25 - ?DPO
OK, I have no idea where or what is going on with this particular cycle anymore and I give up trying to figure it out. All I know is my cycles are almost always 25 days long and by cycle day 25 I normally have some spotting and by CD 26 Aunt Flo turns up and I'm back on CD1 again.
But despite having expected spotting all day I've had nothing. I mean nothing at all. No cramping, no sickness, no PMS, no spotting. Nothing.
I look at my charts everyday, obviousely, as I have to enter my temps and I've never seen anything like this. My temps are basically flat. They have varied a bit, but there is no decline in them and no real variation. I am so confused. I keep thinking if I Od on or around CD11-13 as fertility friend, pg.org and TCOYF say I did then I'd have had a positive test by now. And if I Od on CD14 as per normal then I haven't had any sign of an implantation dip, but my temps have been really regular and steady.
I'm just so confused. I expect my period will show up tomorrow. I just don't feel pregnant. If Aunt Flo isn't here by the morning then I guess I will test again. I've only got one test left though and don't really want to waste it. It's got an expiration date of 2008 so I could always keep it for when we decide to go ahead.
I am also seriousely considering phoning my GP tomorrow and asking for the Pill. I just don't know what I want right now. Yes I want a girl, but I don't want to get pregnant again. I love being pregnant but the thought just terrifies me as I'm always ill with it. I ALWAYS suffer from pregnancy and the last two/three pregnancies I've suffered from conditions that will never (and I mean NEVER) go away and will only ever get worse. I can't bear the thought of the pain. I just can't. It scares the Hell out of me.
I keep asking myself, do I want a little girl enough that I want to suffer like that again? I just don't think I do... I mean I do, but right now? My youngest is only just 7 months yesterday. And my oldest is only just 5 years. Do I really need the stress right now? Would it be so bad to be pregnant in a few years time. I mean, is 26/27 really that bad? Why do I feel the need to do it now and get it "over and done with"?
I made a conscious decision in my teens that I would never be pregnant once I'd reached 28-30 years old. And to be honest I still feel the same. It's purely selfish but I really don't want to be running around after squacking, whinging toddlers once I hit my 30s. I want to enjoy the extra time, money and other resources I am likely to have in my 30s. Not devote my time to young children. I have always felt that way, and I still do and probably always will.
Don't get me wrong, I know it works for others. But I'm selfish. I don't want the hard work. I want ME time, when I can go travelling, when I can afford to go out shopping and have girlie days out and just enjoy my life and the stuff we've worked hard for, without worrying about stuff. I don't WANT to be worrying about leaving a baby or toddler for the first time. About feeling guilty cos I've gone out shopping and not taken my kids with me. I'm selfish and I admit it. Others preferred and chose to do it the other way around, they enjoyed their late teens and 20s, got heavily in debt and did things they probably couldn't really afford to do. I've spent my 20s raising children, working up to a nice house and doing the heavy "mum" stuff. My 30s I intend to be selfish. My 40s I intend to be 100% selfish and by my 50s I suspect I'll have grandchildren and I'll be back to devoted and spoiling them!
Argh. I'm so fed up with this. Why couldn't I be "normal", and have a mixture of boys and girls????? Everyone else manages it, why not me? What's wrong with me that I can't do it? And you know what's worse? It's the judging.
"I wouldn't go that far just to get a girl."
"I was never bothered about what I had so long as my children were healthy."
"You're obsessed. I think you should consider therapy."
And it is ALWAYS people who have at least one of each who say these stupid hurtful things. They're also the first to open their big gobs and make out like they have the "perfect" family. What? So suddenly my family is a pile of ****e because I don't have a girl in the mixture????! Thanks a bunch.
There's no winning in this situation. You're either selfish to want what you don't have, or pityed and ridicouled for what you do. Usually in the same sentance.
You know what's really sad. Is if I'd have known things would be like this, and people would be so horrible, I'd have saved my children the harsh comments and ignorance and stopped at baby #1. I dread having a 5th boy for what will be said to him.
Anyway, I guess I'll post in the morning with an update of some sort.
I am now officially 2 days late. Only problem is I ran out of tests the other day cos I got a bit addicted to testing, so I can't even check! Plus I don't really feel pregnant so I'm thinking I'm maybe just having a screwy cycle?
Who knows. I said to Martin though if my period doesn't start by tomorrow I'm sending him out to buy another test for me!
In a way I kind of hope it doesn't now that it's late. But in another way I hope that it does cos Martin's just bought me a new car and I couldn't fit 5 kids into it!!! Yeah... OK, so that bit doesn't really bother me, I'm joking!
Meh, I'm having some cramps and backache but that could be because I did some really heavy physical work yesterday and my muscles aren't used to it... My temps on my chart are down today, but to be honest I didn't even get to bed until around 4am, and then I was late to temp as well by about 2 hours so I don't know if that would affect anything at all?
I guess it's just a waiting game now.
Well my charts all changed today... Oddly enough! :P They now say I Od on CD14 rather then CD11-13. I think that sounds more likely if I'm honest in which case there's not really much chance at all that I'm pregnant.
This has been a long cycle for me though. I'm now 3 days late. Grrr... Hurry up and get here already AF!!!!
I guess we better start planning for our IVF now. I don't know, I really need to talk to Martin more about it all, get a proper feel for what he thinks should be the next step and figure out how I feel about it all.
Just an quick update. Martin and I just had a massive arguement about an hour ago and I went and locked myself in the bathroom and had a bath, by the time I came out I was bleeding lightly, so I guess this is AF.
Oh well... I'm not as disappointed or upset as I thought I might be. I guess miracles don't really happen.
I am going to the Drs tomorrow to go on the pill. I don't want anymore little "accidents" between now and the time we actually start trying for a baby.
Back to our original plan then I suppose. Although I'm not really sure of the timescales, I can't imagine being pregnant again. If truth be told I'd really rather just move straight to adoption, it's only Martin that's holding back. If I was offered a hysterectomy tomorrow I'd take it. That says a lot I think... I'm not just being melodramatic.
I was just watching Malcolm In The Middle on TV and thought how much like that family we are... Four boys, dysfunctional, forever screaming at each other or bickering, but always pulling through when it matters. And then I remembered that in the latest series they had a baby... A 5th boy. I don't want to be the Malcolm In The Middle family. It's all OK for people who don't have that many kids to say "I'd take whatever I get" or "You should never have a baby for it's gender, only cos you want a baby"... I'd like to see those people in my position and hear them saying that, because I can tell you right now I was there, saying the same things, judging people in my current situation, in just the same way as I am now being judged.
And it sucks. Big time.
So yeah, I'm just going to go back on the pill. I hate it, but that's life. And life sucks sometimes.
Not much to report really. I didn't get the pill. I spoke to Martin instead who was convinced I was pregnant last month and seems quite upset that I'm not... He wants to go ahead with whatever we decide to do soon.
Except now he wants to do natural gender selection. I'm sorry but I just can't get excited by this concept. I want a girl, the last four children we've had has shown we sway towards boys... Why take the risk of having a fifth?
I guess if we tried natural gender selection then it wouldn't be so bad, I just get nervous at the idea of having no sure fire way of getting a girl and ending up with another little boy. I just never see me having a girl now.
Martin bought me a unicorn the other day as a good luck charm. It makes me sad to see it, if I'm honest. He made all of us pick out hearts and make a wish to be sewn into the unicorn. Wishes don't come true though, so I'm not holding my breath.
Martin found this kit thing online, it gives you advice and the things you'll need for natural gender selection. I guess it's worth a go if we're going down that road - nothing else will make a difference so if he wants to waste his money then I suppose that's upto him.
I told him I am only willing to have another baby in certain months, so that's given me some time. I refuse to have a baby in Jan, Feb, Mar, Apr, May, Jun, Jul, early Aug, or December. That only leaves September, October and November! :P HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
He's thinking this year, I'm thinking next year... I guess I'll probably go with whatever. Doesn't make much difference to me as such, now I know I won't be having a girl. My body is shot to ribbons anyway, so what does it matter when we have another one. At least if I get it over and done with I might recover and then never have to go through another pregnancy again and then I can get on with my life without all this baby-making stuff and stress!
Martin has now agreed. If we do not have a girl next, we will adopt. He's pretty certain though. He says he has "this feeling". I say . How many times have I had people say that to me before. And they're ALWAYS wrong.
So yeah. Apparently I've got to carry on charting so we can track when things are likely to happen when we do decide to go for it. Plus I've got to start popping a load of supplements and eating stuff I don't even like.... Martin is going to switch underwear or something stupid like that and start/stop taking hot baths... I don't know. I've kind of lost interest. If it makes Martin happy then it makes me happy, right?!
Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't mind having another boy, which is why I'm not kicking up more fuss. I thought I'd mind with Raistlin and Ashton and that it would affect my feelings for them, but I don't and it doesn't. They're my special little men. I just can't drum up enthusiasm for this idea cos I just know it won't work.
I don't know when we'll be trying. Probably January time or thereabouts as an October baby would be ideal for me. I also wanted a Halloween baby!
So yeah, anyway. That's where we are right now. Can't see much changing now the decision has been made, but you know me - up and down, back and forth.... We'll see I suppose!
Well, that's me depressed... Apparently, now I'm not only a failure in the child bearing stakes, I'm also ugly.
2 August 2006
Beautiful parents have more girl babies
Parents who are physically attractive are more likely to have daughters than plainer-looking parents, new research suggests.
Katie and Tom, Brad and Angelina and Reese and Ryan – stars celebrated for their looks – all gave birth to first-born daughters, something that professors at the London School of Economics say is no accident.
In a study of 2,972 adults, Dr Satoshi Kanazawa found that better-looking parents were 36 per cent more likely to have daughters, and offered an evolutionary explanation for the reasons behind the difference, saying good looks were more important for women to attract better mates.
Dr Kanazawa said: "We have shown two things. Beautiful parents have more daughters than ugly parents because physical attractiveness is heritable and because daughters benefit from this more than sons."
Less attractive parents had more sons – who are more likely to benefit from 'male' characteristics such as strength, size and aggression – because their evolutionary strategy was more geared towards outwitting competitors and protecting the family line.
The theory suggests that over the years women are becoming more attractive than men, concludes the report, which was published in the Journal of Theoretical Biology.
It's really odd and I know it's been a bit up and down, but I think I'm going to wrap up this journal for the moment. There are no babies on the horizon, and I don't feel in the slightest bit broody. Sure I want a little girl, more then anything, but I'm just not sure I want 5 children. I'm not broody, I don't "feel the call" to be pregnant... I don't actually WANT to be pregnant at all.
Yes, Martin's pretty upset about it. He's broody and wants to start TTC again soon, but I just don't think I can be bothered. I hate nappy changing, sleepless nights, feeding solids by hand, the terrible two's, school runs when they're only in Nursery so you end up going to the school three/four times a day.... Yeah. I'm seriousely thinking we should stop here, where we are.
As Martin's Nan always says "You know God truely loves you if he gives you boys".
Besides, my cut off for children is 28 years old. I'm not even 24 yet!!! Although I will be in 10 days! Wooooo!!!!
Somethings make me sad. I told Martin we're not going ahead with our tenth wedding anniversary. It just won't be the same, the way I dreamed it would be, without a little girl twirling in her pretty dress. And what's the point in doing something if it won't live up to the dream?
I am phoning for an appointment to have my smear done tomorrow. I know I've said that numerous times but I never did it before. I just didn't want to get bad news before I had another baby. I figured if I had a problem then I'd rather not know about it beforehand. But now it doesn't matter anyway. I'll also ask for the pill at the same time, so I can start taking it when my next AF comes. I haven't told Martin yet. I probably won't tell him for awhile until I've been taking it for awhile. There's no point, he'll only argue me out of doing it.
For now I'm quite happy with this. I actually don't feel at all bad about it like I did in the past. I like being the Queen of my house as Tristan calls me! "You're our special girl Mummy, and we like you to have nice things!" LOL I don't know where he got that one from, but it was sweet anyway!
I'll come back and write here if I ever have the need. I shouldn't think it'll be for quite awhile though.
Good luck to everyone who is currently TTC and in the 2WW! I'll keep checking in on you all to see how you're doing!
Argh! Coming here always makes me so horribly broody. Not helped by the fact that I'm seeing pregnant women EVERYWHERE right now... Oh and DH is broody too..
Little Ashton is 8 months old now... We were already planning our next baby when JJ and Raisti were his age...
So tempted to just go for it and figure if it happens, it happens... If it doesn't then it's not meant to be...
We were actually talking about this last night. We came to no conclusion obviousely but we did come very close to deciding to leave it in the hands of fate.
I can't believe I've barely been gone from here before I'm back!!!
However, I am taking steps to get healthy. I have started eating properly... I'm on 1200 calories a day and hitting that target, sometimes I even get over it. It's not great, I think it's probably the equivalent of a very strict diet but it's a LOT more then I was consuming day by day... I mean it'd have probably taken me at least 3/4 days to hit 1200 before when I wasn't controlling myself.
I've cut down alcohol as well, which is fabby. I exercise now too!
So yeah, doing good stuff to get healthy. My hips aren't even too bad now and rarely hurt unless I really over do it. Of course I know my fate with my hips when I do become pregnant, but it's nice to think I've healed this quickly so far!
Anyway, I'm not actively trying for the moment. Idon't know when we even will be, IF we will be... But seeing as we seem to be working my body up towards proper health for the future.
As for the gender thing... We've not mentioned it at all, except to say we both want to go natural and we love our current boys very, VERY much - so surely it wouldn't be such a bad thing if we had a 5th?
Who knows... Guess we'll see. At any rate we won't be TTC this month because my EDD would be June 1st... The day before GhostFest. Considering the last two pregnancies I gave birth or went into labour on my EDD, that's not a great idea!!!
Don't really know why I'm surprised by all this to-ing and fro-ing on the decision - we've done this everytime. Yes we'll try, no we won't, yes let's go for it, no let's stop...
Sigh... I want to be pregnant again. It's so annoying. Nothing in my mind is very clear right now, I just have so much going on but I do want to be pregnant again. Just give it one last shot at getting a daughter. I know in reality I'll probably never have a daughter, the odds are stacked seriousely against us, but I want it soooo much.
We went out with our friends who have a little girl aged5 months. She's our Goddaughter and just so cute. I think that's what's bought this on.... She was wearing pink and they were proudly showing off her studio photo's etc... I was so pleased to see her but so sad at the same time.
The problem is, will one last shot really be one last shot? Or will it be the type of last shot the last two shots were!!!
This month isn't good anyway. I'd be due on June 1st! BAD, BAD, BAD! But maybe in the next few months... Who knows....
Posted: Mon Oct 23, 2006 5:10 pm Post subject:
Things are odd round here right now.... I went on the pill a short while ago, then was switched due to health reasons to the mini pill and had a 5 -6 week long period so I threw the pills out last week.
So I guess I'm no longer in the pill. We aren't TTC, but then we aren't preventing it either. Martin is desperate for a little girl now. Probably more so then I am - I kind of think it'd be cool to have five boys now we've come this far... It'd make all the horrid "five a side football team" jokes people think are so funny even more of a larf then they already are.
So yeah. Not trying, not preventing, not even thinking about it. To be honest I'm kind of thinking after the last birth and the horrible infection I got in my womb that went untreated for months and months until it eventually went away by itself has messed up my whole system. Nothing is the same now as it's always been with my cycles. I get a lot of pain, really heavy bleeding... So I'm thinking it's probably affected my fertility in some way, those kinds of infection normally do.
Not that I'm bothered. If I got pregnant tomorrow it'd be OK, and if I didn't get pregnant for a year it'd be OK - I'm quite happy either way, it's mainly Martin that it's bothering right now.