I feel kind of odd with the title of this journal, but what can I say?! It's true. We both really want a daughter and I never thought I'd see myself typing or saying this, but we're going to do everything we can to try and sway the odds naturally to get a little Princess!
Of course, if we are blessed with a 5th little boy, then that's great too! But a Princess, well that'd be the icing on the cake of our family really.
I've had some pretty nasty comments about this. Usually from women who have at least one of each gender, so they can never really understand what it feels like to want a specific gender and when they felt it before or hoped for it before, they've probably forgotten how they really felt because let's face it, pain and wanting is something that disappears once you've got!
It's not to say boys are a disappointment. That's not true at all. I love all four of my boys and I'd love another one just as much. Infact I wouldn't change my boys for the world. But I really yearn for a daughter. I'm jealous, I admit it, of all the things I see and read of other Mothers doing with their Daughters. The kind of things little boys just don't like; Hair, make-up, nails, shopping, pretty things. Girl things.
DH feels the same way too. He wants a little Daddy's girl really badly.
To be honest, I don't think it's anything serious. We would love a little boy just as much as a little girl - but you always want what you don't have right?!
Anyway, we sat down today and discussed it in some depth. We really thought I was pregnant this past month until AF showed up early. I must admit it was an accident, neither of us really feels ready for a baby right now, but it did get us talking and we did realise that we both do want more children.
So the plan is this!
Get into better shape. Start eating properly. Start charting again and see what my cycles are doing. Start taking supplements and eating a girlie diet to try and sway the odds a bit and then come October we might start TTC properly.
So, this journal will be about the run up and preperation to TTC and then our TTC journey.
Am currently just weighing up the pro's and con's of various methods of natural selection. I've heard taking Cranberry tablets can help, as can different positions, so I'll probably be back tomorrow to write more about what I'm going to try!
My Pregnancy.org babies!
Robin (2), Liberty-Hope (3), Lacey-Rose (4), Ashton (6), Raistlin (8 ), Jaeven (10), Tristan (11)
No more babies for us - POF with very low AMH levels, told the only option would be IVF, so am stopping here.
Firstly AF is still in the house, as I'm only on CD3. And that just really bugs me - I hate blood!
Secondly I broke my toe/foot yesterday evening - I don't know whether it's just a couple of toes or my foot too as I haven't checked it out, but I can't walk on that foot. So that's bloody annoying.
And thirdly, the family dog, who's been with us for 13 years and a major family member is sadly being put to sleep today as she's in very bad health and it'd be unkind to keep her going in this state.
Trying to be brave because my Mum needs me as she's devestated, but feel really sad about it. I'm happy though cos she's had a good long life and a very happy, healthy and fulfilling life full of love and good times... But life just won't be the same without her here.
I don't really feel like posting much about TTC today. It seems so unimportant compared to what else is going on.
I'll be back tomorrow to talk more about that side of things.
I feel like a peice of crap. Reading some of the other journals around and I see so many people struggling to concieve and then hear I am, *****ing and whining about how much I want to try and sway the odds to have a girl.
I'm currently on CD5. Don't feel very well either, my stomach is agony right now. Blah.
I've been looking at things we could do to try and sway the odds a bit.. Seems to be all about cranberry, calcium and some other supplements, diet etc etc etc Oh and timing of course!
So, DH wants to buy these PH test strip things to see how acidic or whatever I am. Not sure how I feel about that but I'll do it anyway I suppose if it makes him happy. I guess it'll be good if I do it and see that my "environment" isn't sufficient for girlie sperm, then I suppose I can try and change it...
He's also seen these kits you can buy in the US. They're several hundred dollars and they don't appear, to my untrained eye, to be anything more then the supplements I could buy at Boots and a douche thingie. Now maybe it's just me bein funny but there ain't no way in Hell I am using a douche thingie. He can go take a running jump on that one!!!
Sigh.... I DO really want a girl. I do, I must admit it. I'd be lying to myself and everyone else if I said I didn't. But this is all a bit too formal and almost clinical for my liking.
So I have to pop so many pills over the next few months people will hear me rattling as I walk down the street. I have to test my PH level or whatever. They I have to chart too, and eat food I don't like, and can only BD at certain times..... COME ON!!! Where's the fun in this???????
Babies and children are supposed to be fun. This whole regime isn't sounding like it'll be fun.
I think he's so up on his high horse about it now because I mentioned the A word. It was only a passing comment though. All I said was that if we were blessed with another boy next time then maybe we could think about permenant fostering or adopting a girl.
Actually that's not fair. I don't think it is that. I think it's just he feels like he's let me down by not "giving" me a girl, which isn't true at all. I love all my little boys and I wouldn't mind having another boy. I'm not set on a girl. I'd like a girl at some point because I feel I'm missing out on all the mother/daughter things that women get to do with their daughters as they grow into women... But I'm not so het up about it that I want to do all this....
I think I need to have another word with DH and just say this isn't what I want. I want it to be natural and fun and if we have another boy I want to be happy about it. How will we feel if we go through all this crap stuff and try really hard and spend lots of money trying to sway the odds in favour of a girl, only to find out it's not worked? How will that boy feel when he reads back my journal as a grown man when I've died or whatever and reads that we really wanted a girl but it didn't work and we "ended up" with him???
How awful. Just the thought of it makes me want to cry for this child that hasn't even been concieved yet!!!
Yeah. I'm happy to take supplements, I'm happy to do the timing thing... But I'm not happy to do it in a clinical way. Where's the love and fun in that????
Well, I'm now on CD6. I can't find my old bloody thermometer to be able to temp. I've been looking for it for 3 days now... I sw it less then 3 weeks ago - where could it have disappeared to in such short a time???!!!
I desperately want to temp and I want to pay for the full FF membership... It's driving me nuts not knowing what's going on. Especially as I have a serious case of pregnancy fever.
We went to a family gathering (there's another one on Sunday too but more about that later) not long ago and they had a family lunch together and apparently were discussing our choices of family. I couldn't believe it. I mean, what business is it of anyones??? So what, I'm 23 and have been pregnant 10 times. So what if I'm 23, married with four boys ("four boys??? Oh no, I shouldn't like that..." ). And why the **** is it anyone's business if we want to TTC baby #5 or are considerig adopting in the future???
Why does this awful family think it is there God given right to question and gossip about my lifestyle choices???
We've got another family event to go to on Sunday. But none of us wants to so I doubt we'll go. Sorry but when DH phones you to tell you is Dad died the other day, he doesn't want to get a frigging invitation to your precious daughters christening (never even got a birth announcement for any of these kids,let alone christening invitations) taking place on bloody Fathers Day. He doesn't want to sit politely whilst everyone fawns over these awful bratty children of yours telling us our boys don't count as Grandchildren because they're not female. And he certainely doesn't want you all fishing for information about us that you can use to gossip with over the next family lunch we aren't invited too.
And me? I couldn't bring myself to go. I couldn't sit here and watch as a big show is made of the "Best Daddy and his little Princess". I'm crying just thinking about it.
You know, we're just planninour 10th wedding anniversary. Because everything happened so fast for us, nobody believed we'd make 10 years together and we vowed to each other that for our 10th anniversary we'd have this HUGE renewal of vows, in front of all the family. We'd book out a whole hotel and have the whole weekend celebrating our love.... The really bad thing is I don't want to do it now. My dream, all those years ago, was that on that day I'd have my son/s and daughter (I only wanted one little girl) all dressed in smart suits and my daughter dressed in a lovely little white dress I'd found... It was all that mattered to me. That small detail was all that mattered to me about our 10th wedding anniversary "do". Where we could celebrate our love for each other and our family.
But our family doesn't have a daughter. And that special dress will never be worn on that special day in all probability. And I can't bring myself to organise the event now. I don't consider myself particularly selfish or demanding but that was my dream. And now it probably won't happen and like our wedding day, the whole thing will seem pointless if it doesn't match the dream.
That's really petty isn't it?
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know when to TTC. I've thought of every option from the diets, to the timing, to the supplements, to the kits, to even sperm sorting... But the reality is, I just want it to happen. I don't want to mess around with stuff like this, I just want to be blessed with a daughter. I've been blessed with boys. Four wonderful boys and I just want God to smile on me a little more and give me some pink. I want it to be natural.
I guess the real reason I started this journal is because I need a place to vent these feelings. If I tell my Mum she just says I'll have a girl next time (she said that with DS2, DS3, and DS4) and that I should give my body a few years to recover from my previous pregnancies. DH isn't much help either.
That's irrelevant to me really. I just love being pregnant, I love having children... I'd probably carry on having children until my body can no longer do it anymore if I had the choice. I don't think my Mum really understands that. I don't think many people do. I just love being a mother, I love having kids. I can't help it!
Argh... I'm rambling anyway now... I wonder if Boots sell these PH tester things, I'm going to go look at their website now and see!
God... I'm obsessing again. I was working out IF I got pregnant this month I'd be due on the 13th March... Not good seeing as JJs birthday is the 24th March.... But I Soooooo want to go for it anyway! :P
I suppose I should really wait though. Maybe I'll ask DH what he thinks. Or maybe we should just leave it in fate's hand... I'm sure the timing is pretty accurate for gender selection so maybe if we BD on Thursday/Friday then we'd get our girl? I dunno... Probably not. I'm due to O on the 19th, so that would be 4/5 days out. When we've become pregnant before it's always been as a result of BD right on the day of O, or the day before, so it probably wouldn't even happen.
Quite tempting though! :P
According to my chinese gender chart thingie (which I never believe anyway but it's interesting either way!) I'm more likely to concieve a girl next month (July).... So maybe we could wait until then?! But then I'd be due April 6th... And Tristan's birthday is April 18th.... GAH!!!!
I can't have a May, June, July baby...... I have GhostFest every year in June and next year's is going to be massive. I need to be able to function properly for it...
Oh well.... Wait it is I suppose!
I STILL can't find my thermometer. And I can't afford another one. Am really annoyed cos I saw it only a few weeks ago. I had it in my hand!!!
I have decided if we do wait for later in the year then I am going to take Cranberry supplements, eat a bit more of the girl diet and time our BD. That won't seem too unnatural I suspect cos it doesn't actively interfer with things... We've always become pregnant really quickly, within a month or two of TTC but I suspect if we're BD further away from O (like 3/4 days) then it may take some time... I don't know though.... I'm hoping to buy the supplements and stuff in the next month or so and start taking them now. Along with the dreaded folic acid. Blah. I hate folic acid. I never take it during pregnancy anymore, because the times I DID take it I always ended up miscarrying. Same goes for the times I did everything right, no alcohol, proper healthy food, non of this or that or anything else that's fun.... Only times I ever carried to term were the times I just let go and relaxed and did anything that took my fancy!
I feel bit odd today... Very light headed and dizzy and my BBs are tingling.
I realised yesterday that I hadn't had anything to eat in close to 48hours... I thought I'd licked my ED, but I guess relaxing about it and not thinking about it just makes me worse. It's not that I have food issues. I don't mind eating. I just never feel hungry and if food isn't made for me and put in front of me I simply don't eat. Laziness I suppose.... Don't know. I was shocked though when I looked in the mirror today and saw how thin I am now.
Oh well. Martin has been feeding me up since I/he realised....
I just went to write down which cycle day I'm on and realised I have no bloody clue. So went to FF (still can't find the damn thermometer) and found out I am CD8 today. Should have known that really.
It does boggle my mind though when I'm sat here trying to figure out how would best describe today's CM! Never thought I'd be doing that when I was younger!!! I couldn't decide between EW or sticky.... Kind of a bit of both I suppose, so I put sticky down as EW makes it sound like I'm Oing....
I'm going to college today!!!!!!!!!!
My God, that makes me feel young again! Well, I am young, but I never really feel it anymore. I normally just feel tired and drained. I'm supposed to be starting an Access to Higher Education course in September, and they've got like an Open Evening/Taster Session tonight which I've apparently got to go too.... Truth be told, I'm not particularly looking forward to it, apart from the break it gives me to get away from DH and the boys... That sounds awful doesn't it?!
DH just told me yesterday he's got a massive job coming up (he owns his own company) and it'll basically mean we won't have to worry about paying bills for a year or two. Things have been really tough here for quite a few months, and so it'll be nice to not have to worry about paying bills for awhile. I'm kind of hoping he'll send me away for a short break, so I can just get out and unwind a bit. My stress levels are through the roof these days and I'm in constant pain because I just can't relax.
I kind of know already he won't though. He can't accept that he's part of the problem and I want to have a break from both him and the kids. He thinks it's just the kids, even when I tell him otherwise he still denies it....
Now don't get me wrong. My boys are lovely, very well behaved 99% of the time and don't really cause any hassle. I just feel a bit bogged down by it all sometimes. Businesses, work, constant pregnancies, constant childcare, constantly seeing to DH or the kids or someone else.... I NEVER get "me" time. I can't even have a quiet bath, or read a book, or surf the net in peace. As I'm typing this I had DH come down and ask me for something, I've got Raistlin and Ashton here trying to press buttons as I type... I've had Tristan (who is off school today sick) in telling mehe doesn't feel well...... Oh, I had a phone call from my Mum asking me something. I've responded to several work emails.... And I'm planning what tidying needs to be done, and whether I'm going to try walking to pick JJ up (cos I broke my toe/foot last week and still can't put shoes on) or whether I'm going to drive. And this is a "quiet" moment... My life is like this 24hours of the day, 7days of the week. I even work Christmas day.
So, yeah. I'm really hoping he spends some of that money on me. But I don't think he will.
DH is definately in baby-making mode at the moment. He knows today is a "danger" period for me, as I'm 5 days out from O now... And he's trying to coax me to the bedroom every two blinkin' minutes!!! :P So much for waiting to TTC.....
I'm on CD 12 today. Not that it matters as I'm well and truely out this month as I've been sick the last few days and just couldn't bring myself to BD at all....
Anyway, we weren't really TTC this month at any rate so it's not a problem I'm not upset.
I mentioned to my Mum the other day that Martin wanted another baby... I think her words of "Don't you bloody dare get pregnant again!" said it all... So yet again it looks like I'm going to have to keep this a secret and then live in fear of announcing it when we do get pregnant.
And why is everyone around me suddenly pregnant???!!! Gordon Bennit - everywhere I look there are pregnant bellies. Makes the green eyed moster well and truely appear in me.
Ignore this post. I feel so ill today and am getting no opportunity to rest and relax at all - even yesterday I didn't and it was a Sunday. Plus I think I'm going to O today and I really hate this time of the month because it makes me wonder what a potential baby concieved this month would be like....
I went to college the other evening. It was great and they announced they're bringing the nursing course I'm considering to MK!!!! So I'll do the access college course and then the year I finish that (This time next year) they're introducing the university course I'm thinking of taking!!! Wooo!!!
If I do get pregnant I will still go ahead with the access course and complete it and I'll just defer the Uni course for a year. That way by the time I started the Uni course Tristan would be 7, Jaeven would be 6, Raistlin would be 4 and probably in full time education too, Ashton would be part time education and then Martin only has to deal with baby when I'm not there! Can't wait!!!!
Oh, I meant to say, we didn't go to the Christening yesterday. I couldn't face it, DH didn't want to cos it was Fathers Day and my brother was coming back from Afghanistan for his 2 weeks R&R so we had to pick him up from the base.
Oh, and I found some long lost family yesterday that none of us knew anything much about and everyone has been searching for - yay go me!!!!!!
So DH and I had something of a disagreement today over this whole TTC thing. We're both agreed we want to go ahead, but I was trying to talk to him a bit about it and he just wasn't event trying to hold a conversation.
Now strangely, in real life, when it comes to long involved conversations I'm not generally a talker and he is ALWAYS on my back about the fact I "never" (!) talk to him about anything. So it was really frustrating when today I was trying my best to air my feelings (something else he claims I never do) and he just couldn't be bothered to listen or discuss.
So from now on I won't bother. I'll just get on with whatever I feel like and if he doesn't like it he can just bloody well put up with it. I tried to talk to him about these things and he wasn't interested. I won't try again.
Anyway, the conclusion we came too, despite not really getting into it very heavily, was that we're all set for December TTC. If I carry on with 25 day cycles then my December cycle should start on the 17th! Woohoo!!! Baby making in time for Christmas! I'll be due, in theory on the 21st September... My brothers birthday is the 19th and MILs is the 20th! So that'd be cool!!!! Plus it gives me time to finish my access course, apply for uni but with deferred entry for a year... So I have the first year of babies life without having to leave him/her at all.
And (sigh), we're still going ahead with all the stupid gender selection crap. He still wants to do the whole lot, rather then just a few bits and peices. Although he says he doesn't mind if it doesn't work and we have another boy as he's very proud of his boys, I think I'm going to be more honest and say I'll be really upset. Not with having a boy - all babies are precious. Just that I really will be missing out on all the girl things despite our best efforts to sway the odds.
That's the one thing about TTC a specific gender that really scares me... What if we fail? How will I feel? I'm scared I'll be disappointed or upset. I'm scared I won't love the baby if it's a boy. Or even worse, what if I hate him or regret having him?????
Or even worse than all of that - what if one day he reads this back and thinks we didn't want him or we don't love him because he's the "wrong" gender???
I feel deep down that it doesn't matter what we do anyway. We must be one of those couples who just can't have girls and I don't believe that anything we do will change that. I don't believe I will ever have a daughter. And I'm OK with that. I really am. I'm honest in that I can say that the thought saddens me a lot... But I'm OK. If that's my path, then that's my path. I guess I just write about it alot because I'm really not that comfortable with this whole gender selection thing. I don't know why I just don't believe you can pre-select the gender. I don't believe any of these things really work... And how unromantic is it to put yourself through it in the vague hope you get what YOU want???
"Oh. Wait, no not yet darling.... I need to go douche myself before you can stick THAT in there!"
It reminds me of a military setting! :P
"And here's the plan chaps. At dawn, exactly 4 days and 16 hours before ovulation is to take place, you will be entering the vicinity here. But make sure that you don't go further in than this point here shown on the map. Now, in order to accomplish this you must get into the following positions as demonstrated here and here!
And for Gods sakes men. Don't, whatever else you may do, let the Earth move for her!"